


Rewrite the Stars

by agaycabbage



Series: Rewrite the Stars [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, It's literature! Smutty literature!, M/M, Multi, Other, Shakarian - Freeform, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-01-24 16:47:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 189,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21341473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agaycabbage/pseuds/agaycabbage
Summary: A Shakarian romance that goes above & beyond (or at least before & after) what we were given in the games. Some canon, some AU - the characters don't always follow the arc they were given. This is my take on my favorite romance. Enjoy!This story continues in my other works!**MATURE CONTENT WARNING** Title inspired the theme and was inspired by the song from The Greatest Showman.**I own nothing!**
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Series: Rewrite the Stars [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538497
Comments: 174
Kudos: 201





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, a little late, right? This has been a passion project for years and undergone about a million rewrites. I finally decided it was just time. This story, Elle and Garrus's, will continue through ME3 and then even on to Andromeda. I hope you enjoy the ride.

I scan the email on my Omni-Tool for the tenth time today, even though I feel a little childish for being so excited. Screw it. I haven’t seen my oldest and best friend in months, and now he’ll be on the Citadel in an hour. It’s a damn good thing I’m already done work for today or else I might have to stage a walk-out to meet Nihlus at the Docking Bay on time. 

“You outta here, Vakarian?” Orbin calls from his desk directly beside mine. He signed up for a little over-time, but he’s spending that time with his feet kicked up on his deck, filing down his talons. The galaxy-wide stereotype that all any Turian wants to do is work would be dispelled if anyone who said it actually spent time with the Turians of C-Sec. 

“Nihlus will be here in an hour or so.” 

Orbin spins in his chair to smile up at me as I strap my duffel bag across my chest and prepare to leave for the day. I keep a pistol on my hip at all times on the Citadel, but when I’m off-duty, my rifle stays in the bag. A gun that size tends to make people nervous...especially when it’s on someone my size. Besides, it’s just the Citadel, and there’s never any action here. 

“Just like old times. All you’re missing is Saren,” he notes. 

“Saren, more Ryncol than even Krogan could drink, and many more Turian women than we’re ever going to find on this station.” My friend laughs, and I pat his shoulder in farewell for now as I pass him to leave the offices. A few other coworkers call their goodbyes to me, and I spot my boss, Chellick, who waves to me while wrapping up a phone call. The guy is kind of a prick, but that’s mostly just because he’s one of those stereotypical Turians, all by the book. 

I’m what no one would call a good Turian. Which is why being here, on C-Sec, happened only because my father threw a fit after my military service ended. I’ve done alright for myself here, working up through the ranks quickly to run an investigative unit. But I could not possibly be more bored. 

I realize as I head for transit back to my apartment, opting to get a cab instead of walking as I usually would to save time, that Nihlus visiting is the most excitement I’ve had since the last time he was here. Spirits I’m due for a change of pace. 

I push the bitterness out of my head as much as possible because Nihlus will be merciless if he thinks I’m whining. It would get even worse if he told Saren, which he undoubtedly would. I’d much rather just focus on having a good time with my best friend. 

I don’t know what he’s thinking of doing tonight but, since it’s Nihlus, I know I’ll be getting drunk. And since it’s me, I know I’ll be getting laid. 

That’s good enough for me. At least for tonight. 

My apartment is a welcome sight, not much bigger than the rapid transit that brought me here, but more than enough for a bachelor pad. Hell, as long as I have a bed to share with company and a fridge for beer, I’m pretty well kept. Well, that and a shower, which is where I head right away. 

The temperature of the water that counts as ‘hot’ on the Citadel would be laughable back on Palaven; I muse that I’ll probably end up burning in the shower whenever I bother to go home again. It does the trick though, and within half an hour, I’m clean and dressed in civvies instead of the armor I wear to work. 

The closer it gets to the time of his scheduled arrival, the more anxious I get to see Nihlus, so I decide to walk back to the docks for a chance to calm down. Nihlus’ purpose for being on the Citadel tonight crosses my mind on the way, and I think back over the email that he sent.

* I’m reviewing a human female for the Spectres. I was damn shocked when I heard they’re gunning for a Spectre already. Still, I guess if it has to be anyone, the soldier from Akuze and Torfan is my choice. * 

Commander Elle Shepard. 

I don’t know any more about her than anyone else does. She’s an N7 soldier - a huge honor for humans - and she pulled off some pretty amazing things to survive a thresher maw that killed her whole team on Akuze. She also managed to wipe out a massive Batarian pirate operation on Torfan. I’m mostly just jealous of her, someone else getting to join the Spectres when I let my father talk me out of it. 

General Castius Vakarian served with C-Sec, and he’s even more old school Turian than Chellick. It’s bad enough in my dad’s eyes that I’m almost thirty and not married yet, so if I joined the Spectres...I think he’d have a heart attack. 

I figure I’ll pay my dues with another couple of years here, maybe another promotion or two, and then I’m doing it anyway. If the humans can join the Spectres and they’re practically infants in the galaxy - not to mention lacking in any natural armor or weapons - then I most definitely can. 

And there is no way in hell I’m getting married any time soon. 

I arrive at the docks with just minutes to spare, finding the area as crowded as it always is. I should have worn my armor just to make it easier to create space in the crowd. Nihlus is arriving on a shuttle from Palaven, so I head for that area and find four of them docked and disembarking. I’m tall even among Turians, so I’m fairly confident that he’ll be able to spot me. 

Sure enough, I’m only standing there for a minute when I hear a familiar, flanged voice call, “Pup!” 

Nihlus is approaching, distinguishable by his red-plated face and intricate white clan marking that stand in stark contrast to his black and red armor. I’d recognize him anywhere in the galaxy; hell I knew the guy even before those marks were added to his face. 

The crowd of mostly Asari and Salarians coming in from Ilium parts easily for two large Turians, so it only takes a couple of strides for me to reach him. “About time,” I tease even as I let him pull me into him. I feel his hands slip over my waist to embrace me, and I absorb the tingle that touch creates while I hold his back. 

“I never thought I’d be so happy to see someone so ugly,” he quips, our foreheads bumping for a moment. Nihlus releases me only to bring a hand up to my fringe instead, using a grip to pull my head back so that he can examine my throat and look me over. I can tell by the smirk on his face that he really only does this to exercise his right as the older, dominant male - to tease me. 

I allow it instead of challenging him, mostly because I know he worries about me. 

“Skip your workouts this week or something?” he jabs, adding insult to injury in ways only the guy who knows me best can. 

“Me?” I laugh. “How many of your mom’s home-cooked meals did you eat?” Nihlus laughs and pulls, bringing my forehead back against his. I don’t resist the open display of affection from one of the only people in the galaxy with whom this is a mutual feeling. We part after a moment and Nihlus shifts to pick up his bag from our feet. “How long until your new human friend arrives?”

“Any minute, in Hangar Four.” 

I nod and motion for him to walk with me in that direction, not that Nihlus needs directions around the Citadel. 

“So, you have to spend the night with her?”

Nihlus chuckles. “Let’s see what she looks like in person first. But I was asked to play nice before our mission so, yes, we’re going to let her tag along. It won’t be that bad.” 

I know he’s right; we always manage to have a good time, and most of the humans I’ve met on the Citadel have been up for fun if nothing else. Of course, most of them are also at least a little xenophobic and demand respect they haven’t earned. Then again, this Commander Shepard might have actually earned her place. 

“By the way, she doesn’t know about the Spectre thing yet, so don’t mention it.” 

I promise even though I think it’s odd someone decided to keep that information a secret. They probably just want her to perform without putting on a show. I shrug off the thought and change the subject. 

“How’s the family?” We make small talk on the way over as we wait, spending a few minutes to catch up, mostly on his trip back to Palaven before coming here. We talk at least weekly, so there isn’t that much catching up to do, and I like it this way. 

“My sister is still smitten with you,” Nihlus notes, giving me a dark side-eye that I don’t take seriously since he knows I could never be interested in someone who is not just half my age but is basically family. “And Met is doing really well, but our dad is up his ass about getting married.” 

I shake my head at that since his brother Metran is only seventeen - prime marrying age if you ask either of our parents. 

“My dad also asked if you were getting married yet.” 

“Of course he did,” I scoff, my mandibles clicking in light agitation. “You took the easy way out, Nih, I”m telling you.” That makes him laugh, but he doesn’t deny it. 

There aren’t many openly gay or lesbian Turians, but it’s something that we as a species take in stride. It probably has something to do with relaxed views on sex and sexuality overall. Most of us sleep with same-sex partners, even if we don’t have romantic relationships with them. Salarians can be downright brutal to their own kind, and humans have a long record of homophobia, but Nihlus being gay hasn’t prevented him from having a successful military career and happy life. 

It also lets him off the hook from our cultural obsession with bonding and expanding our families. 

“Hey, that’s the human ship,” Nihlus says, drawing me back out of my thoughts when he nudges my arm and motions with his hand. 

I follow his gaze and find one hell of a ship headed through the lanes of traffic into the docks. “Damn.” 

“Sexy, isn’t it? It’s a Turian-human hybrid design, they just finished it recently - first of its kind. Best thing about this whole mission, by far.” 

CABBAGE  
The Citadel is a beautiful station. Massive. It’s hard to believe I’ve never been here before, but the Alliance has kept me pretty busy in other parts of the galaxy. My first visit to the center of galactic civilization and government...and I only get an eighteen-hour leave. Plus, I have to spend the whole time playing nice with some Turian who’s joining the crew for a mission. 

“Did no one ever tell you that your face will stick if you keep it like that long enough?”

I laugh and look over my shoulder at Captain Anderson. “Sorry,” I offer, referring to my scowl even though I know he’s not really upset about it. I’ve known Captain Anderson since I enlisted, more than a decade, and he’s been a mentor in more than just my career. I’m well beyond needing to apologize to him. “I know being here is important if you say it is; that’s good enough for me.” 

“Good.” I don’t miss the smirk as he nods. “We’ll be docked in a moment. I’ll introduce you to Kyrik, and then I have a meeting with Ambassador Udina.” 

I can’t help a laugh at the expression that crosses his weathered features. “Better watch for your face getting stuck too, Sir.” He winks at me, and I turn back to the window as the ship pilot docs beautifully, not even the slightest bit of jerking of turbulence. “I’m looking forward to getting to know the pilot. He’s talented.” 

“Joker is the best - and he knows it,” Anderson responds. “You’ll have a few weeks to get to know the whole crew on the way out to Eden Prime.” 

A big part of me wants to try and ask about what we’re doing all the way out there, on the first human colony in the Traverse, but I know he’ll just shut me down again. Instead of toeing the line with insubordination, I bite my tongue...this time.

“Captain Anderson.” I turn toward the source of the interruption and find Kaidan Alenko, a human Lieutenant and biotic with a dull but flawless Alliance record so far. He’s handsome...like really handsome. We haven’t had much time to talk, but I can’t help giving him a quick once over now. “Commander Shepard, ma’am.” I nod to acknowledge. “Sir, I’ll accompany you to the Ambassador?” 

“Yes, Alenko.” Anderson leaves me to talk about their plans and Alenko dutifully follows him away. 

I take a breath and decide to retrieve my bag from my locker to kill the last couple of minutes before we disembark. Lieutenant Jenkins is at his locker, beside mine, and brightens when he sees me approach. He’s very young and kind of adorable but a little too gung-ho for me. The kid has never seen a battle, and I kind of hope he never does. 

He doesn’t need his outlook darkened the way mine has been. 

“Commander,” he greets me enthusiastically. “Looking forward to your night with the Turian?” 

I have to stifle a laugh at his choice of words; I should probably wait to get to know the crew before making sex jokes. “I don’t know how much there is to look forward to. Strangers stuck together with orders to be nice doesn’t hold a lot of promise.” My lock pops open when I enter the combination. 

“Maybe not, but he’s a Spectre, so the guy is probably at least a little cool,” Jenkins reminds me. “Even if he is a Turian. They have a reputation for being kind of...uptight.” I just make a thoughtful noise for the sake of the conversation, not actually giving that much thought. 

The fact that Nihlus Kyrik is a Spectre might tell us that he’s a great soldier with some sense of adventure and justice, but his being a Turian tells me no more than what he could learn by the color of my hair. 

Jenkins tone is much more sour when he adds, “I’ll be stuck here on inventory duty.” 

“Better than bathroom duty, Jenkins.” I clap his shoulder before throwing my bag over my shoulder and clasping it at the front of my chest. It has everything I’ll need for an overnight stay at a hotel on the Citadel, even though I could always just come back to the ship. 

An excuse to get off board should never be wasted. 

I wonder idly if I’ll be asked to take the pistol off my hip on this station but figure that Anderson will warn me before I get too far. With nothing else to kill time, I head to the airlock just as I feel and hear the ship engine power down. Captain Anderson is already waiting, standing tall in formal blues. 

“Ready?”

“Always.” 

We’re released from the ship, the VI announcing that Navigator Pressly now has command of the deck, and we exit to approach the crowded Docking Bay. I’m not sure exactly who we’re looking for, and there are aliens of every kind here, so I mostly just follow Anderson and assume he can identify our target. Anderson presses through the crowd, and finally, I can spot where he’s headed, leading me toward two Turians who are already watching us from the edge of the crowd. 

Both are much taller than an average human,, broad-shouldered and narrow at the waist with plates of natural armor covering everything visible like all Turians. One has a red color to his dark plates - skin? - and a beautiful white design painted on his face. In military school, I learned that those Turian clan markings are extremely important to a Turian. His armor is black and red, two assault rifles strapped to his back and a pistol at his side. 

I notice him, of course, and suspect that he’s the Spectre who will be joining our crew. But my attention is firmly captured by the other. 

He’s even taller, likely than average for a Turian, with broader shoulders than seems fair while his civilian gear alludes to the muscular build of his body beneath those plates. This Turian has a light brown and gray color to his plates, and his markings are simple in design but stand out for their cobalt blue color. That color perfectly matches the impossible, piercing blue of his eyes...which are already staring at me. 

Damn. He’s kind of...well, he’s gorgeous actually. I’d love to know if a Turian can be made to roll his eyes back in his head and how I could make that happen. 

“Commander Kyrik,” Captain Anderson says, pulling me from that inappropriate reverie as he approaches the black-and-red armored Turian to shake his hand. They go for the universal style, grasping one another’s forearms instead of hands the way two humans would. 

“Captain Anderson, good to see you again,” Kyrik responds. He turns a bit to angle his body toward me and quickly scans me with light green eyes. “You must be Commander Shepard. I’ve heard a lot.” 

“Likewise.” I grasp his forearm, feeling the plates shift under my hand a bit as his talons wrap all the way around my much smaller forearm. 

Kyrik turns to the other Turian and claps his shoulder. “This is C-Sec Officer Garrus Vakarian, a good friend of mine. He knows the Citadel far better than I do, so he’s going to let us tag along this evening.” 

“I appreciate that,” I tell him, mostly just as an excuse to look the hot stranger in the eye. “It’s my first time on the Citadel.” 

“Well, then we’ll have to make sure you get the full experience.” 

Oh, good Lord.

Garrus Vakarian has a deep and flanging voice with a quality that reminds me of melted chocolate. I wonder if he’s considered leaving his cop career to use that voice for porn; he’d make a fortune. 

“Since you’re in good hands now, I’ll leave you to it, Shepard,” Anderson says, again saving me from myself and thoughts that are very unlike me. “I have an appointment with the human Embassy, so I’ll ask you all to excuse me. Try not to get them into too much trouble, Commander.” 

I smirk at him. “I never make promises I can’t keep, Captain. Try not to punch Udina.” 

“Now there’s a bet I won’t take,” he laughs. 

I can see that our Turian audience seems surprised by the casual interaction between a soldier and her commanding officer. I get it since I’d never speak this way to another Alliance captain. Maybe Kyrik will get to know us well enough on the Normandy to understand. But if not, it doesn’t really matter - especially now since Anderson shakes both of their hands again before leaving. 

When he’s gone, I turn back to the two men and find them exchanging a glance I can’t read through unfamiliar facial expressions. It makes me feel oddly self-conscious, and I straighten my shoulders to combat it. I am sure that Kyrik is smirking when he turns back to me, though. 

“Now that the babysitter is gone, we can just be Nihlus and Garrus.” 

“And Shepard works for me.” I’m all too happy to drop my title when we’re off-duty, but virtually no one calls me by my first name. Someone would have to be pretty special for that. 

“You both just got in,” Garrus begins. “Hungry? There’s a place nearby that I’ve seen humans eating at...though I can’t promise the food is any good.” 

I shrug and assure him, “If it’s actually cooked and not just slop heated up on a ship, it’ll be great.” They both laugh, and I don’t miss how nice the dual-toned sound is, especially in Garrus’ voice. 

“I don’t want to eat in my armor, and I’m sure Shepard wouldn’t mind putting down her bag,” Nihlus notes. “Mind if we stop at your place first?” 

“Oh, you’re assuming that you’re staying with me?” Garrus responds even as we start walking and clearly teasing his friend. 

“Actually, I’m assuming that I’ll find a new friend to spend the night with.” I join in on their laughter at that and appreciate the way the joking resolves any remaining tension. Even walking on a foreign station between two people who are virtual walls of muscle and towering over me, and even as the third wheel with these two obviously close friends, I feel surprisingly at ease. Far more at ease than I usually am. 

Garrus leads us toward a rapid transit station, and we don’t have to wait long for a skycar, which they both politely let me enter first. 

“The Normandy is a beautiful ship, Shepard,” Nihlus says as the car takes off. 

I nod and agree. “She’s definitely the sexiest ship I’ve served on. I know the design was a Turian-human collaboration, but I’m too new on board to know which pieces are Turian.” Nihlus asks a couple questions about the ship’s design and performance, which I answer as best I can, but I can feel Garrus’ eyes on me the entire time. I can’t imagine what he finds so fascinating. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but since he’s not leering or being inappropriate, I mostly just want my turn to stare at him. 

We leave the car, and Garrus leads us on a short walk through a busy civilian sector before we board an elevator inside an apartment building. “I forgot that you moved since the last time I was here. How’s Zakera Ward treating you, Pup?” 

Garrus scoffs. “If you and I lay down head to foot, we’re longer than my entire apartment. There’s nothing bigger available around here. I’d rather be on a ship.” 

“If you have a private shower, it automatically wins over living on a ship,” I argue. “Unless sharing showers is your thing.” I’m not sure why I choose to throw in that last part or if I even make a conscious decision to do it before the words spill out, but Garrus’ brow plates shift in what looks like surprise in response. 

Quickly, that blue-eyed gaze changes from what I think is surprise to what I know is flirting. “Depends on who I’m sharing the shower with,” he replies smoothly, his voice dropping to an even lower octave and washing over me warmly. My cheeks instantly start to feel hot, and I know that I’m blushing under his gaze.

Damn human instincts. 

Nihlus lets out a low chuckle, and I look up at him to find that he’s watching his friend with a curious expression. Garrus notices as well and clears his throat, shifting on his feet before the elevator doors open. “This is the other problem with Citadel living. The elevators move slower than sleeping Elcor.” 

I laugh easily with them as Garrus leads us to his apartment and uses his Omni-Tool instead of a key or passcode to manipulate the lock. Whatever he does works and the door opens right away to grant us access. I’d been expecting something depressingly small after his warnings, and I can tell Garrus feels a bit sheepish about having us here - though something tells me that shy feeling doesn’t extend to short-term sexual company. But the place isn’t bad at all. 

“It’s really not as bad as you made it sound,” Nihlus assures him, dropping his bag haphazardly on the floor like he already owns the place. Given that Garrus doesn’t complain or even seem to notice, I have to imagine that it’s par for the course. 

“Anything bigger than crew quarters on a ship is like a mansion at this point,” I tell him honestly, giving the place a quick once over so that he knows I’m not just saying it. Garrus just shrugs and rubs the back of his neck with one hand in a really adorable way. 

“You two can entertain yourselves if I grab a shower, right?” Nihlus asks, the look in his soft green eyes registering with me as something close to mischievous. Maybe Turian facial expressions aren’t as hard to read as they’re rumored to be. Either way, I narrow my eyes at him boldly because I know he’s teasing us for the flirting. 

Garrus laughs it off. “Now you’re helping yourself to my shower? Spectres really do abuse their power, huh?” Nihlus gives a good-natured laugh before starting to open doors at random to find the bathroom instead of just asking the homeowner. I laugh when he discovers the bedroom and then a closet first. 

When he’s gone, the room suddenly feels a lot smaller with just me and Garrus in it. “Would you like a drink, Shepard? I only have beer...cheap beer.” 

“Cheap beer is my favorite, thanks.” He smiles and heads to the kitchen area, opening a fridge to gather our drinks while instructing me to sit on the couch. A cold beer and a comfy could with a new person, potentially a new friend...who is not at all bad for eye candy. 

Maybe this won’t be the worst leave I’ve ever had. 

Having Nihlus around always makes me feel like he never really left. We fall right back into the rhythm we’ve always had. There’s a reason he’s my closest friend. 

I knew it would be like this, that Nih would make himself at home in my apartment and eat food from my plate without asking and make me laugh not stop. What I didn’t anticipate is how intriguing I’d find the human that earlier I thought we’d be stuck with. 

Elle Shepard fascinates me. There’s no denying the woman is beautiful, even if she’s the first human I’ve ever used that word for. Her dark red hair caught my attention from yards out and she’s got ridiculously green eyes that continue pulling me into bad places and dirty thoughts. I’m not even sure I’ve ever noticed the shape of a human woman’s body before, but damn do I like it on Shepard. 

The fact that I can tell she’s strong as hell with a glance only helps my opinion. I keep finding myself staring at her mouth while she talks and I’m certain she’ll break my jaw when she realizes it. 

So, yeah, I’m attracted to her. A lot. 

I could easily ignore that, though. Just brush it off as a fluke since I’ve never felt a damn thing even close to heat for a human before. But it’s not just that I’m attracted to her. 

It’s everything else about Shepard that has me so interested, distracted even. She’s got a sharp wit and a great sense of humor, not at all put off or intimidated by the banter Nihlus and I toss at her. She’s clearly intelligent and she seems far less cautious of us just based on species than most humans, which gets her a lot of points in my mind. 

I can tell she’s been through some shit and I know enough of her service record to imagine there are a few nasty skeletons in her closet, but Shepard seems confident and self-assured without being cocky. She’s out to earn respect. I’m jealous that Nihlus might get to see her in action because something tells me that it’s truly a sight to behold. 

It’s all made worse by the feeling I keep getting that she might be attracted to me, too. I catch her watching me for just a beat too long or hear her heart rate pick up when I slip in a suggestive joke. It’s too hard to tell for sure with humans, though. Their faces have so many muscles and all that skin instead of plates. Turians rely on our subtones - which humans can’t hear - to communicate what words can’t or don’t. Humans do that with their facial expression and I’m quickly realizing that I don’t know nearly enough about those. 

I’m a dominant male and I’m used to being in control of these situations. I don’t like the Shepard already has me at a disadvantage in any way. 

Shepard has unnerved and aroused me all at once, so I can’t help but continue the flirting that started in the elevator. I know that it’s not going anywhere and when I think about, I can’t honestly imagine her being into me, but it’s still fun. 

Dinner turns out to be a good idea if the way Shepard’s face lights up when she looks at the menu is any indication. She orders a foul smelling thing called a cheeseburger that I don’t understand at all, and then laughs when she catches me making a face at it. 

“This,” she tells me, holding the odd chunk of soggy looking food up, “is a prime example of human food and genius.” 

“That thing being an example of your genius explains a lot about humans, Shepard,” I tease her. She laughs and tosses one of the thin, off-white sticks from her plate across the table at me. It hits my chin and then lands on my plate. “What is this?”

“A french fry. Try it; you know you want some.” 

I raise my brow plates at her, wondering exactly what she’s offering. Her cheeks turn an outstanding shade of pink as Nihlus chuckles around a mouth full of food. I kick him under the table and end up hitting Shepard’s foot as she’d started to do the same thing. 

The three of us dissolve into laughter like children at a school lunch table. Like old friends. 

Nihlus catches my gaze and flares his mandibles for my attention, raising his own brow plates to ask a silent question. He knows me well enough to know what’s going on, that I’m attracted to his human. The problem is that he looks just as confused about what damn sure looks like Shepard’s attraction to me. 

“So. A french fry, huh?” I’d rather focus on food than thinking too much into whatever this is or isn’t. 

“A delicacy where I come from,” she informs me with a smile that makes me think she’s telling a joke no one else is privy to. “You don’t have any allergies, right?”

I give her a deadpan look. “Do you really think C-Sec or the Turian Hierarchy for that matter would send us off into the galaxy if a little human blood or spit or food could take us down?”

“Fair enough, we get tested too,” she admits, her laugh a sweet and melodious sound. “What are you so afraid of, then? Eat the damn french fry, Vakarian.” 

Nihlus looks at Shepard for a beat before turning to me with his mandibles spread in a big, shit-eating grin. He definitely likes her. “Yeah, Vakarian, what are you so afraid of?” 

I narrow my eyes at him for challenging me before eying the food item suspiciously. I don’t like that it’s clearly supposed to be straight but has gone soft, flopping over impotently. With a sniff, I find that it smells similar to some of the friend foods I’m familiar with. Mostly because I don’t want Shepard to think I’m scared, I pop it into my mouth. 

The french fry has a crunch on the outside that I wasn’t expecting before giving way to a soft, hot, and mildly flavored center. It tastes like salt and oil and something else I’ve never had before and don’t have a name for. “That’s actually not bad at all,” I confess after finishing it. 

Shepard seems immensely pleased at that and I have to hold back from asking for another just as an excuse to make her look so happy with me. I’m going to be in big trouble with this woman. 

“How long have you guys known each other?” Shepard asks as we continue to eat and chat. 

Nihlus gives me a fond look before he answers. “Our fathers worked together in C-Sec for twenty some years back in their day, so our familiar have always been closer. We’ve known each other all our lives.” 

I’m grateful Shepard can’t hear my affectionate subtones but I don’t mind that Nihlus can. He reaches out and gives my fringe a quick, playful tug that makes me laugh. 

“Adorable,” Shepard teases us as she finishes off her meal. I notice that she ate as much as either of the grown Turian men at the table and just as quickly. Considering her muscle tone and what I’ve learned during my time with C-Sec about the way human bodies can change rapidly, it’s impressive. 

Of course, I might not know much about humans, but I know enough about women not to comment. 

“Now that dinner is settled,” Nihlus announces, slapping his hand down on the table enthusiastically. “Dancing, drinks, hitting on strangers...we’re headed to the club, right?”

“I’m game,” I agree, tossing back the rest of the beer I had with dinner. 

Shepard doesn’t seem immediately sure, but I catch her glance me before she nods. “Yeah, why the hell not? What else is shore leave for?”

“I can think of a few things,” I respond, rising from my chair as they do. 

“You know, I don’t have any trouble believing that.” Shepard quickly closes one eye at me in what I’ve learned is a wink. It’s got a lot of meanings in human culture, but it’s generally used to express a joke or secret between two people. Something about Shepard sharing a secret with me in an intimate, human gesture gets my heart pumping. 

“You two sure you don’t wanna just grab a room?” Nihlus teases, shoving me playfully ahead of him through the doors out of the restaurant. 

I laugh and, fortunately for Nihlus, Shepard does too. He pulls me under his arm to soften the blow - something that was easier for him a decade ago when I was still shorter than him - and we head for the night scene area of the Citadel. The line outside Flux is long and they both hesitate, assuming we’ll wait to get in. 

“Come on.” I motion with my head for them to follow me and push through some of the crowd toward the bouncers by the entrance. A glance back tells me that Shepard isn’t built for making people move on instinct, and she’s just too professional to shove civilians aside. 

Aware that it might cost me a hand, I reach back and clasp my palm around hers. It’s a little bit of a shock, how soft her skin is and how small her hand feels when she grips mine in return. I realize that even with more fingers than I’m used to, it’s not foreign, but feels almost familiar instead. I know that’s impossible, but I go with it for now and tug her along, reaching the doors quickly. 

“How’s it hanging, Cressius?”

The familiar Turian turns and smiles at me. “Vakarian! They finally give you a night off?”

“Finally is right.” He laughs and slaps my shoulder, briefly eyeing the human holding my hand. I note the surprise in his subtones and on his face, but don’t address it. “Some friends in town, just for the night. Can you help me out?”

“Anything for you, my friend.” A chorus of swear words, threats, and boos ring out as Cressius opens the velvet rope to let the three of us through with no further wait. “Enjoy.” I pat his shoulder with my free hand in thanks and lead the other two in, releasing Shepard’s hand somewhat reluctantly. 

Before I can even scan the whole room, an Asari wearing an impressively revealing dress and carrying a tray of drinks stop in front of us. “Need a table, handsome?” she asks me. 

“Yes, please.” I give her a smile that I’m certain will work to get me whatever I want; it always does. “And a couple rounds of shots when you get a second to spare for me.” She smiles, her eyes dropping briefly to check me out, and then motions for us to follow her.

“Is he always like this?” Shepard asks Nihlus from behind me. 

My best friend laughs. “Absolutely. Ever since he hit puberty.” 

I toss a vulgar hand gesture over my shoulder at him and they both laugh. I wonder if Shepard asked just to tease me or because she might be a little jealous, but it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing I know well enough to question...yet. 

The waitress takes us to a hightop table with enough seclusion that we can talk without shouting and still be in full view of the dance floor. Nihlus intentionally and obviously steps around me so I end up with the seat beside Shepard. I might scold him for it, but I’m distracted when the waitress returns with a dozen shot glasses, green and blue liquors shimmering inside them. 

“Holy hell,” Shepard breathes, blinking in surprise at the table now full of liquor. 

I lean toward her and pick up two shot glasses, holding one of them out for her. “What are you afraid of, Shepard?”

I speak low enough and she has to look at me, and I can see surprise flash through brilliant green eyes before they narrow and she accepts the challenge by taking the shot. The three of us clink our glasses in a universal sign for comradery before throwing the liquor back. 

It doesn’t take Nihlus long to abandon us for the dance floor and cruising, but I don’t mind and I don’t think Shepard does either since we fall into easy conversation. I learn that she’s biotic, which explains the appetite, but that she favors her gun. We talk rifles and ammo, the ships we’ve served on, and music preferences. Her taste is crap but she’s funny and engaging so I let it go. 

A couple human men and an Asari stop by to ask Shepard to dance, and a few Asari approach to ask if I’ll buy them a drink. I don’t bother to take much notice of them. We both refuse everyone and choose to stay at the table together, though I’m not sure why Shepard makes that choice. When an Asari propositions both of us, our surprise sends us into a fit of laughter after she leaves.

“Wow. Not sure a stranger has ever asked me to have a three species threesome before,” Shepard notes, downing another shot. Few remain. 

“Does that mean strangers have propositioned you for same-species threesomes? I need to hang out with you more often.” She throws her head back to laugh at my joke and something about seeing a literal war hero laugh that openly makes me feel warmer than any shot. 

“I think every Asari in here has been over to try and get your attention,” she muses when she recovers, not looking at me now and instead running her finger through a ring of condensation on the table. I think it’s intended to look casual, but it fails. “I’d ask if you’re just not interested in Asari, but I think every species is.” 

“Hard to argue with that. Some people just don’t like aliens, though.” She looks up at me, green eyes still clear despite the alcohol, and I know she can see what I’m asking without asking. 

“Some people,” she agrees, shrugging. Again, the casual is forced. I never would have guessed Commander Shepard has a shy side. “Not me.” 

She looks up at me through hooded lids after that, gauging my reaction. If the reaction on my face is going to be half as strong as the one in my pants, I’ve just been exposed. I need to throw down a shot to gather myself. 

“Me neither,” I finally manage. Smooth, Vakarian. It seems to please Shepard though, even if she tries to hide it by turning her head toward the dance floor. 

“Hey there.” A subtone that screams arousal reaches me even before the voice so I’m not surprised when a Turian woman appears at my side. “I feel like I’ve seen you around before.” 

I want her to go away immediately, especially when I see Shepard shrink a little, but I don’t want to be rude. “It’s likely from C-Sec.” 

“Ah, maybe that’s it. Just enjoying a night off then, Officer?” She ends the question by tilting her head back, just a little but enough to expose her throat and her intentions to me. The submissive signal is tied to my instincts and my cock jumps...but the response is miniscule compared to Shepard’s confession that she might be into aliens. 

It makes dismissing the Turian that much easier. 

“I am. With a friend.” To ensure the point is made, I angle my shoulders away from her and slide another shot across the table to Shepard while picking one up myself. As we drink, I can feel the Turian assessing us and hear her substones betray her surprise. I know at least part of that is because she’s been shot down for a human.

Shepard knows it too, and she looks at me with a slight frown when the Turian huffs off. “You can go, you know,” she offers, faking a smile. 

“I know,” I assure her. “I’m good right here.” 

A small sound leaves her throat and she looks away, choosing to watch the glass she’s spinning between her hands rather than look at me. “I think Nihlus was supposed to be babysitting me, not you.” She tries to keep her voice light. 

It makes me frown and I wonder if I’ve done something to make her think I don’t want to be here. Some signal I’m giving off without realizing, something she’s misinterpreting because of a gap in cultural knowledge. I go for words, to be as clear as possible. “I’m not babysitting anyone.” 

She allows a laugh but the sound doesn’t hold any humor. I can’t explain why her outright dismissal of the idea I might want to spend time with her irks me the way that it does. 

“Look at me.” 

I didn’t expect that to work, but the great Commander Shepard follows the order instantly, almost instinctively. That could be so much fun to exploit. 

“I’m having fun,” I tell her honestly. “I’m...enjoying this. Enjoying you.” 

Shepard flashes a grin, her confidence returning. “Enjoying me? And I haven’t even shown you any of my best tricks yet.” 

“I have a feeling I’d be very interested in those.” She might not be able to hear my subtones but I know damn well she can hear how husky my voice has become when her eyes widen. 

It’s not until Shepard gasps that I realize how close we’re sitting now; apparently we’ve been moving toward each other unconsciously. It’d be easy to pass this off as needing to speak over the noise of the club, but I could hear her just find when I was sitting up straight. 

Something else has pulled to this, made me lean on the table so close to her that her scent - an intoxicating mix of citrus and cinnamon - surrounds me. 

Shepard’s eyes flash back and forth between mine. I can tell her mind is racing, that the alcohol hasn’t done enough to keep her from freaking out about this at least a little. I know that I have to ask quickly because if she pulls away now, I’m not sure she’ll ever come back. 

“Do you wanna dance with me?” I blurt out before I can talk myself out of it. 

“Yes.” I can see the answer surprises her as much as the question did, but I don’t give her a chance to back out just yet. I grasp her hand again, this time with the intent to pull her much closer. 

I’ve heard about Turian grace and firepower in combat, learned in training that they’re absolutely potent in hand-to-hand battles. There’s a rhythm in the way they move in all things, something animalistic and predatory about everything I’ve seen Nihlus and Garrus do today. So, I had a feeling going into this that Garrus Vakarian wouldn’t be terrible on the dance floor. 

I never could have guessed that the boy can dance, goddamn him. 

His movements are fluid and graceful, our bodies moving to the rhythm of the music and of one another. It starts out friendly enough, his hands on my hips and my arms over his shoulders. If anyone asks, I’m going to blame Garrus for making the first move to heat things up. 

Part of me knows, just knows, that he grazes my ass at least in part to challenge me. It takes me a second to respond, but once I catch the glint in his eyes, I know I can’t back down - not with this guy. He wants a challenge, I’m gonna give it to him. 

Turning around in his arms, letting him press against me from behind, is either the biggest mistake I’ve made in a long time or one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. As the songs pass and the temperature between us rises, I can feel the air around us spark to life. My skin hums with electricity everywhere that he’s touching me and it makes me feel drunker than any amount of shots. 

Forgetting altogether that we’re practically strangers, that we’re different species, and that we’re not exactly in a private space...maybe in a way forgetting myself, things start to escalate. My hips and ass seem to move of their own volition, rolling into his hips and swaying in his hands. Garrus doesn’t miss a beat, rocking into me while his hands boldly test the waters by sliding over my hips and thighs, up along my waist and brushing my breasts. Before long, the Turian has me breathing hard and sweating - and not just from the effort of dancing in such a confined, hot space. 

Garrus presses his face against my ear and then my neck, nuzzling and brushing his mouth plates over the skin slowly. I can feel his too-hot Turian breath and it sends chills down my spine. I’m not even sure I give my body the command to let my head fall back onto his shoulder and expose my neck to him, but the soft moan Garrus releases makes it hard to complain. 

It stops and his mouth moves away far too suddenly, leaving me instantly bereft. 

“I’m going.” I glance up, confused, at the sound of Nihlus’ voice. We haven’t seen him in a while, but he’s definitely what caught Garrus’ attention. 

“Where?” I can hear the protective tone in Garrus’ voice and look past Nihlus to find another Turian male obviously waiting for our Spectre friend. Oh. 

We’ve stopped dancing but Garrus hasn’t released me and doesn’t seem inclined to do so. He pulls my back flush up against his hard body, not an inch of give on this guy, and keeps me there with one hand pressed low and firm on my stomach. I can feel the muscles deep inside me fluttering under the pressure and I’m sure he can feel it, too.

“With company,” Nihlus responds with an easy laugh. “He’s in far more danger than I am, Pup, and you know it. I’ll call you in the morning.” His green eyes shift to mine, his grin only growing wider. “I hope you don’t mind, Shepard. And I hope you both take the opportunity for what it is.” 

Garrus shoves his friend away playfully and growls. “Goodnight, Nih. Be careful.” 

Nihlus laughs and I manage a chuckle, but I’m entirely distracted by the sound Garrus just made. A growl. He actually growled, like an animal. And it was hot, damn it. 

The temperature inside me spikes with a sudden desire, an almost painful urge, to make him do that again. 

I should be freaked out by the totally not human sound and I wait for my instincts to kick in, to remind me that the man I’m panting for is not built for me...but it never comes. Instead when I feel his face move back to my neck, my head tilts on instinct to give him better access. I think I’d give him just about anything at the moment. 

We still aren’t dancing, still just standing in the middle of the crowd with our bodies pressed together. And I’m half prepared to climb him. 

What is wrong with me? 

“Shepard,” he murmurs in my ear, his deep voice sending heat surging to my core. “Do you want to get out of here with me?” 

I understand the offer; it’s clear enough. Do I want to leave with him, go back to his apartment with him, continue our night alone with him? My body is screaming for me to answer ‘yes’ emphatically, to throw myself around his big body and let him do whatever he will to me. My mind, however, starts spinning rapidly. 

I’m Commander Shepard. I’m a war hero, I’m serving under one of the most highly decorated Captains in the Alliance Navy, I’m a professional. 

Should I really have a one night stand with a stranger on shore leave?

Before I can answer my own question and make a coherent decision, Garrus ups the ante and slowly drags his tongue - rough and searingly hot - up my neck and behind my ear. He nips the skin softly. My knees nearly give out and I sway back into him, my body overcome with a hot need that is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. 

“I want you,” he growls. 

“Yes.”

My answer comes confidently, all the fear and reservation fleeing me. I can feel Garrus’ response, his hands tightening at my hips. He nips at my shoulder, hard enough for a sharp bite of pain to make my heart leap but not enough to break the skin. He grabs my hand and tugs me behind him though the crowd, toward the exit. He’s moving so quickly that I nearly have to start running to keep up but his enthusiasm and eagerness are infectious. 

By the time we finally escape the club, my smile is threatening to split my face. When I laugh, Garrus glances back over his shoulder and chuckles before he slows, using my momentum to guide me in front of him and into his arms. With his arms wrapped around me now, he starts walking slowly while driving me backward. 

My arms wind around his neck, seeking stability but mostly just needing to touch him. 

I watch impossibly blue eyes flash down to my mouth and then he shakes his head, still smiling. “I wouldn’t have a clue to do with a human mouth, but I can’t stop thinking about yours,” he admits, his voice in a deep octave that betrays his arousal and makes my core clench. 

“I can show you what to do with it,” I offer, letting one hand slide up the back of his head so that I can pull him down to me while the alcohol and arousal sweeps away any remaining hesitation. 

Garrus stops walking and doesn’t resist, our mouths meeting in a soft brush of leather on flesh. I expected his mouth plates to be hard but they really aren’t and they don’t taste as metallic as they appear. He brushes my lips again, revealing the plates are pliant enough if not quite like a human mouth. 

The fact that it’s not a human mouth doesn’t make me want to kiss him any less. So when Garrus nips at my bottom lip, I let myself get lost in sensation and kiss him properly. 

I feel his hands tense against my hips for barely a second when my tongue touches his mouth in what I imagine is his first kiss of this kind, my lips molding to his mouth and my tongue teasing his. His hesitation only lasts for that instant and then he responds, licking into my mouth with an urgency that makes my legs shake. 

It may not be exactly a human kiss but it’s damn close and it certainly gets the point across. 

“Get a room!” someone nearby shouts, startling me enough that we part and eliciting a round of cheers from the people still waiting in line to enter Flux. I’d totally forgotten we had an audience. 

Garrus chuckles softly against my jaw but releases me from the kiss and his arms, leaving me feeling hollow and cold again. Why do I like his touch so much? Fortunately, he grabs my hand and seems even more eager now as we approach a rapid transit station. 

“I do not want to waste time walking,” he growls, sliding behind me and pulling my ass back into him again. I lose my breath and my head falls back against his shoulder, pheromones and alcohol and the blatant sex appeal of the man behind me combining to make me feel flush and heady. 

By the time the car arrives, I’m prepared to climb him and I take the opportunity as soon as we’re safely inside the vehicle. Garrus dives at me simultaneously, our bodies colliding in the middle of the seat. Strong hands grasp at my waist before sliding lower over my hips and down to my ass. The moan that he lets out is one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard and it drives the heat inside me to a fever pitch. I’ve had my fair share of fun, but never felt quite so crazed, so reckless. 

I don’t know where he wants to be touched but when my hand slides under his fringe, massaging the soft spot I find at the back of his head, Garrus’ entire big body shudders. 

“Stop that,” he warns, breaking the kiss and telling me to stop even as he moves his mouth to my neck. “Unless you want to be fucked in a rapid transit.” 

“Jesus Christ,” is the only intelligent response I can manage to that threat. 

The part of me that wants him badly enough to let him do just that is not small or quiet, but since I don’t know how this is going to work, I really don’t need the added pressure of navigating the backseat. That thought brings some clarity to the situation. “First human?” 

His body, his kisses, and the heat between us don’t feel foreign at all but that doesn’t mean issues won’t come up as we progress. 

Garrus slides his tongue along my jaw, drawing a moan from me, and responds softly, “Yes.” I don’t know why I like that answer so much. “First Turian?” 

“Yes.” He doesn’t need to know that he’s my first alien of any kind, especially since I don’t think that’s true for him. 

He pulls back just a little, enough to look at me with bright blue eyes that are searching mine. “You sure you wanna do this?” 

I have to stop and blink, taken aback by the gesture and extremely grateful for it. He’s unlike the other guys I’ve been with in more ways than one, I guess. But considering the ache and wet heat between my thighs, the question makes me laugh. “Vakarian, even a human has never turned me on like this. I want to do this, yes. Are you sure?” 

“Spirits, yes,” he groans, shaking his head and looking at me like he wants to devour me. His hands flex against my ass. “I know Turians who have been with humans so I know...you know, it’ll work.” 

“Good enough for me.” 

Already over even having this much physical distance, I move back in to kiss him deeply. Garrus growls and pulls me up against his hard chest. It would be so easy to straddle him now and I’m grateful the transit finally steps to prevent me from taking him right here. He releases me to scramble from the skycar and I follow, our hands meeting again immediately like it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

Garrus lives in a lively part of the Citadel so we’re forced to maintain our composure in the crowd this time, though I’m acutely aware that I’m holding his hand in public. Another first. 

The elevator arrives and I step in ahead of him, the air in the space around us sparking to life with an energy all its own. I can barely breathe, waiting for the damn doors to slide closed and praying no one else comes on. A Turian couple steps forward to join us and I curse my luck, just as Garrus steps forward and pulls a badge up on his Omni-Tool. “Get the next car,” he tells them plainly. 

The couple exchanges a shocked glance but doesn’t proceed. 

“That has got to be an abuse of power,” I tease him while the doors start to shut at a glacial pace. 

“Complaining, Shepard?”

He doesn’t give me time to answer, exploding into motion and directly into me when the doors shut. Garrus grips my hips in strong hands and drives me into the wall, hard enough to knock the breath from my lungs without hurting me. He grinds his hips skillfully against mine to pin me there and I gasp at the evidence of his arousal throbbing against me. 

It’s all I can do to hang onto him while he assaults all of my senses. I feel his hands squeeze, the sharp pinch of talons threatening to break through my pants and skin making me gasp again. “Shit, sorry,” he mumbles against my mouth, immediately pulling away. 

I reach out without letting him break our kiss completely and catch his hands, pulling them back to their rightful place on my hips. “Don’t forget who you’re messing with here,” I tell him, not about to be scared off or underestimated. I trail my mouth over his jaw and down his neck, noting that while his plates and skin look hard, they don’t grate on my lips at all. I can feel his pulse thrumming hard and fast under my tongue. “I am not made of glass.” 

“Spirits,” he breathes, flexing his hands as I can feel his shaft twitch against my stomach. “You’re trouble. I can’t wait to make you cum.”

Well, shit. I nearly melt right there but I’m saved when the elevator doors open and Garrus grabs my hand again to yank me down the hallway. 

We’re practically running and the thrill of it surges through me as adrenaline throughout my whole body, every inch of me absolutely certain that this is going to be really good. We finally reach his door and there’s barely any delay with it opening when Garrus waves his Omni-Tool. “Nifty trick.” 

“I’m good at what I do, Shepard.” 

With that, Garrus tugs me inside his apartment and sweeps me into his arms. Now that we’re here - alone and actually about to do this - the nerves start to hit me hard and I feel my hands shaking while they travel up over his chest. A long, taloned finger slips under my chin and he tilts my face upward so I’m pinned by gorgeous blue eyes. 

The heat in his gaze turns me on madly but it’s the hesitation for my sake, the compassion and genuine caring I can see that compels me to lean forward and kiss him - hard - before shoving him away by the shoulders. 

“Get naked...now.” 

He flashes an unbearable sexy grin and replies, “Yes, ma’am.” 

I watch, captivated, as Garrus does that sexy as hell thing guys do where they pull their shirts off by reaching back over their heads, the wide collar accommodating his fringe as it comes over his head. The tattoos on his face extend below his collar to explode over his carapace and waist in thick, swirling lines of cobalt blue. His plates meet in intricate patterns but when they shift with his movements, I can see how sculpted he is despite missing the lines of muscle I’m used to seeing. 

I think part of me expected to be turned off once he started to strip but when Garrus unbuckles his belt and kicks out of his boots, not wavering or hesitating under my gaze at all, my mouth goes dry. 

“I don’t wanna complain, but am I the only one taking my clothes off tonight?” 

“Challenging me is not smart,” I tell him, pulling my hair down and unable to keep from smiling. I take a breath for courage and yank my shirt off before I talk myself out of it, leaving me in just a bra from the waist up. It’s just a standard issue black bra - since I had no intention of getting naked with someone tonight when I left the Normandy - but I watch Garrus’ eyes widen appreciatively. 

A low growl starts deep in his chest while he scans me and his attraction would be clear even if not for the impressive bulge in his civilian gear pants. 

“I feel like challenging you worked out pretty well for me, actually,” he responds, definitely smirking now. I roll my eyes while unbuttoning my pants and he shoves his own down to his ankles before kicking them off. In just a moment, we’re standing two feet apart and staring at each other in nothing more than our underwear. 

I’m acutely aware of how not scared I am, despite my limited experience with casual sex and absolute lack of experience with Turian sex. Hell, I don’t even know what exactly is in his pants...but I know I want to find out. 

The air in the room is alive with electricity, pushing and pulling at the small space left between us. 

“Come here,” Garrus breathes, catching me by the hand and pulling me into his arms so that I come flush up against him. 

His body is hot like a human who has been sunbathing and he smells like sun-warmed metal. I press my hands to his chest and then slide up to his shoulders, noting that the plates are textured but not rough and the edges are smooth so I don’t think I’ll be injured by friction at least. Garrus is touching me with the same trepidation and something that feels oddly like awe, his hands carding through my hair and gliding over my back, then up my sides before coming to the front of my shoulders. 

When I feel him hesitate, I offer my mouth and Garrus flashes a beautiful smile before leaning down to kiss me. One big hand curves around the back of my neck and the other slides slowly down to cup my breast. I smile when I can feel his frustration with the fabric he finds there and he pulls away to frown at me, flicking the strap against my shoulder. 

“Is this armor of some kind?” he muses. 

I laugh so hard that I have to tilt my head back to let the sound out, affection for this guy I barely know and am getting naked with threatening to choke me. “It’s...clothing. And Asari have breasts, you can’t make me believe you’ve never seen them before.” 

“They don’t wear anything like this - not that I’ve seen anyway.” 

“Lucky them. It’s an unfortunate necessity,” I tell him, still feeling playful about it. Garrus does not seem to share my opinion. 

“It’s ridiculous. How do I get it off you?” He tugs at the strap between my breasts which does nothing but make them bounce, at least drawing an appreciative growl from him. 

“A question that has stumped men, both human and alien, for centuries I assure you.” 

Garrus realizes now that I’m teasing him and narrows his eyes at me. “Take it off,” he growls, speaking in a low tone that can only be described as dangerous. “Or I’ll just shred it.” 

“Hmm, eager are we?” Even as I tease him, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp because I’m pretty sure he’ll follow through on the threat and I don’t want to have to go back to the ship without a bra in the morning. Garrus takes over from there, using one talon to pull it off my arms and toss it aside haphazardly. 

He hums with something that sounds like curiosity when his hand lowers slowly to my breast again, this time the slightly rough feel of the soldier’s palm actually reaching the sensitive skin. My eyes close so that I don’t have to watch him staring at me but my body betrays my desire, my back arching as his fingers sweep over my nipple to press further into his hand. 

“You’re sensitive everywhere,” he murmurs, his free hand dragging talons lightly down my spine to make the point. 

I open my eyes to meet his and drag my nails down his chest, wondering if he’s just as sensitive, but I get no response. Damn. “Where are you sensitive?”

He makes a soft sound deep in his throat and leans forward, bringing his mouth to my neck where he licks softly just at the base of my throat. HIs tongue is long and textured; I can’t help imagining how that would feel in other places. 

“You already found one spot,” he reminds me, guiding one of my hands by the wrist to the back of his head. 

I find that soft hide under his fringe with my fingers again and commit the spot to memory as he moans into my skin. Garrus pulls my hand lower and his mouth follows suit, his teeth nipping at my collarbone while he rolls my nipple between his fingers. I might be ashamed to moan so loudly if I had any shame left. 

“Here,” he whispers breathlessly while guiding my hand over his mandible and down his throat. His hot mouth covers my nipple, sharp teeth gently scoring the sensitive skin and I gasp out his name...his first name, out loud for the first time. I feel Garrus shudder in response but he doesn’t miss a beat, leading my hand over his chest and to his waist. 

“Here.” The word sounds almost choked out and I can feel his body trembling under the sensation of my hand on his waist. 

Oh I could have fun with that. And I need all the edge I can get since it’s pretty clear the human similarities to Asari are giving Garrus a huge advantage here. Damn him, he knows what he’s doing. 

Instead of letting me gain some ground, he licks over my nipple and then drags his tongue slowly up between my breasts, over my sternum, and along the length of my throat. I nearly pass out from the sensation by the time he’s done, leaning heavily into the arm supporting my back. 

Garrus is still focused somehow, damn him, and I feel the fabric of his shorts under my fingers. My head snaps up to find his already trained on me while he slowly guides my hand lower, giving me every opportunity to stop him. When I don’t, he presses my hand against his erection and whispers, “And here.” 

Whatever reservations I had left snap and I all but throw myself at him, tossing both of my arms around his neck and meeting his mouth in a kiss that shows just how desperate I feel. I’m powerless to hide it anymore so I don’t bother trying, pouring everything into the kiss. Garrus growls even deeper in his chest, topping his own record for sexiest sound I’ve ever heard, and slides his hands under my thighs. I barely have to jump at all because he’s strong enough to lift me and guide my legs around him. His narrow waist makes holding on like this easy and I can’t help but wonder if that’s by design. 

My weight is nothing to him and our kiss doesn’t seem to prevent his movement at all since he makes quick, confident strides into his bedroom. The door shuts behind him and Garrus’ devilish grin against my mouth makes me cling tighter just before he dives onto the bed, managing to land on top of me without hurting or crushing me. 

I laugh at his enthusiasm, at my arousal and general happiness, and just because it’s so damn refreshing to be able to laugh with a lover. Garrus uses the break in our kiss to taste my other breast. 

My hands travel his cowl and his shoulders eagerly, pressing to test the feel of his plates and finding that his body against mine isn’t at all unpleasant despite the obvious differences. He feels warm and solid, strong arms around me creating an aura of safety that I could easily get lost in. 

Now isn’t the time for getting lost, though. 

I tangle my legs with his and use the hold with a quick twist of my hips to flip us. Garrus lets out a surprised huff when he realizes that I’ve gotten him onto his back. I chuckle and he narrows his gaze at me playfully but doesn’t resist when I kiss him before using his chest to push myself up so that I’m sitting, straddling his hips. 

“Hell of a view, Shepard,” he breathes, soft leather hands gliding softly over my thighs and waist while his eyes blaze heat all over me. 

I wanted to be up here, but now that I realize how much of me he can see, I’m feeling exposed and vulnerable. The urge to hide myself is nearly unbearable but when I lift my arms to try it, Garrus catches my wrists. “Hey, now” he murmurs, sitting up and bringing one of my wrists to his mouth. “Why are you hiding from me?” His tongue traces my pulse point and makes me shiver. 

“Mostly because you’re staring at me,” I confess. 

Garrus chuckles, his blue eyes sparkling even in the dim light. Well, the eye not hidden by the visor he wears. 

“This thing isn’t helping. I feel like you have enough of an advantage.” I reach behind his head and unsnap it before tossing it aside, letting me have his whole face. 

“Trust me, Shepard, I’m feeling a huge disadvantage here,” he breathes, still kissing my free wrist while his other hand rubs my back slowly. His tongue is doing something incredible on a spot I never would have considered erotic before and then he drags it up my palm, the feeling somehow tied right to my core. “How can I help?” 

“That’s helping.” My voice is all breathy and I’m already panting. He hums and then nips the tip of my middle finger, the jolt of pain making me rock my hips on instinct. It brings me right up against his erection, raging now, and we both moan at the contact. Garrus’ hand slips down to cup my ass and yank me into him again, rubbing me against him right where I need him. 

“Garrus, please.” A minute ago I didn’t want him to look at me, now I’m grinding against his hard on and begging him. How did he do this to me?

“You can have anything you want from me, baby.” 

“Oh, God.” I know exactly what I want and it’s well past time to take it. I keep my eyes on his while sliding back off of him and slipping my fingers under the waistband of his shorts. He leans back onto his elbows, lifts his hips, and doesn’t resist as I remove the final piece of his clothing to toss it aside. I might wonder how the hell he got so confident but then I get a look at his cock, proudly standing between us in the dim, flickering lights from the busy space station outside his window. 

I’m a little surprised at how familiar it actually is. The general idea is what I’m used to. There are some pretty distinct differences, too though. Garrus’ cock is very hard and very blue and...frankly the thing is huge. It’s just bordering on oh-shit-where-is-that-going-to fit and firmly inside the range of oh-I’m-gonna-be-sore-in-the-morning. 

I swallow hard through a dry mouth. “Jesus, Garrus. That all yours?” 

“Right now, it’s all yours.” 

“Smooth.” 

He laughs and lifts one shoulder in what looks like a Turian shrug. “I do what I can.” 

I can’t help but smile, grateful that he’s making this all so damn easy. It makes me certain that he does this - bring home women he barely knows - very regularly, but it also makes me feel calm and confident that I can do this. I want to do this. 

Garrus jumps and gasps, losing his control for the first time when my hand wraps firmly around the base of his shaft. It’s shaped a lot like a human penis but with a gentle upward curve, a more defined head, and ridges all down the length. It’s also lubricated. Interesting. 

I get nervous when my thumb doesn’t quite meet my fingers again when I fist him, and Garrus notices. “Come here,” he breathes softly, holding a hand out to me again. 

“Wait.” There’s one thing left to do and I want to get it over with, so I stand beside the bed and remove my panties with shaking hands. 

Am I like the other women he’s been with? Will he like how I feel?

Garrus follows me, turning to sit at the side of the bed with his feet on the floor. When he reaches out to pull me between his legs, I don’t resist. 

His sharp eyes scan me quickly before raising back to my face. “You’re beautiful,” he says in a tone that suggests it surprises him to feel that way. Whether he’s surprised or not, it makes me blush and I hide it by kissing him. Our tongues tangle in a smooth and slow dance that he’s already mastered while his hands travel my back, my ass, my thighs like he’s trying to touch all of me at once. The touch is soothing in a way, easing my nerves, but every inch of me becomes charged and hot under his hands.

I tense and lean into him all at once when one hand starts to trail up the inside of my thigh. When he drags a talon very lightly along my core, my entire body trembles against him in a mix of anxious anticipation and intense arousal. Garrus moans and grips my hip with his other hand so hard it almost hurts but I don’t mind at all. 

He drops his mouth back to my breasts, licking and nibbling while his finger slips slowly inside me. I have split second of fear that he might spear me in the worst possible place with his talon but it subsides in a wave of pleasure. “You’re wet,” he moans, nuzzling my chest with his face. 

“Is that bad?” 

“Unexpected. And incredible.” 

It certainly is. His finger is magical, slowly massaging and exploring me. At the same time, his wicked tongue and teeth tease my nipples into hard points. I cry out, insanely aroused, when his knuckle bumps my clit and Garrus’ head pops up to watch my reaction when he does it again intentionally. 

“You like that?” His voice is low and husky which might turn me on even more than his thumb now rubbing slow, fantastic circles over my clit. 

“Yes,” I manage to respond somehow, my head falling back and my hips rocking against his hand. 

Garrus hums a distinctly happy sound and drags his teeth gently down my throat while continuing his ministrations between my legs. As good as it feels, I need more. So much more. 

“Garrus,” I groan, tugging on his fringe because I’m well past rational thought to wonder if that’s a good thing. I really only have one thought at the moment and I share it: “I need you inside me.”

The sound that he makes then gives away how hard he’s been working to control himself and I hate it, instantly desperate to watch him lose it. He removes his hand from between my legs and uses it instead to guide my knee onto the bed. Holding onto his shoulders and letting him bear my weight in strong arms, I bring my other leg up as well and straddle him. 

“Do I need protection?” he asks, his voice so deep now that it’s hard to hear over the growl. “I’m clean.” 

“Me, too. Pretty sure getting pregnant isn’t an issue.” He laughs at that and presses a hard, fast kiss to my lips. 

We’re both panting now, a combination of anticipation and anxiety, I know. I can feel the massive Turian in my arms shaking just as much as I am. “Spirits,” he whispers, nuzzling into my neck and tickling the skin lightly with a flutter of his mandibles. “I’ve never wanted anyone so badly.” 

I can hear the fear in his voice and I understand it, unsure why I’m feeling so damn fond of the stranger in my arms right now. I pull his face up to mine and kiss him hard, feeling the last of his tension melt away when our tongues meet. My body tenses in exchange when I feel the head of his cock brush right where I need him most. 

“We can go slow,” he promises, speaking against my mouth. “I won’t hurt you.” 

“I know.” 

And I do, that’s the really crazy thing about all this. 

I raise his hips enough to accommodate his length and reach between us, aiming his shaft where I want it. My body sucks the thick head in greedily and it makes me feel desperate, so I release my inhibitions and take a chance, dropping my hips down. Scorching hot and almost unbearably thick, I feel impaled and cry out with a mix of pain and pleasure. 

“Ah, Shepard! Oh, fuck,” he groans loudly, gripping my ass with one hand and digging his talons into my shoulders with the other. “Oh, I didn’t know you’d feel...Spirits, you’re so tight.” 

His body shudders and I can feel the muscles in his thighs flexing with need, but Garrus doesn’t move, letting me adjust. He’s big, almost too big, and while I know that it’ll feel amazing, there’s a part of me that’s terrified to move at all. 

Garrus nuzzles his face against mine and I lean into it, the slight shift in angle opening me up a little more so the pain eases. “Are you OK?” he asks, voice soft and cautious now while the growl is still rumbling loudly. As the pain slips away, it’s replaced with an intense pleasure the likes of which I’ve only read about in romance novels. 

“So good.” I find his mouth for a kiss, letting my lips remain against his when I breathe, “Move.” 

Another groan and then Garrus shifts, pulling me back up his shaft slowly so that I can feel all those ridges clinging to the soft flesh inside me. This time, he enters me much more gently and with a strong hold on my hips. 

Oh. Oh. 

He feels incredible. It takes a few strokes for my body to welcome all of him, and when it happens the feeling is nearly overwhelming; I’ve never been so...full. 

My hips start moving on their own to rock back and forth against him, Garrus lending the strength of his arms to my movements. He pulls me all the way down, sheathing completing inside me, and rolls his hips upward to hit spots I didn’t even know I had. His name escapes me on a moan and I grip his shoulder, just trying not to cry because it feels so goddamn good. 

My body soaring on sensation, I feel myself start to clench around him and Garrus shudders with a low growl. “How are you doing that?” he pants against my neck. “Squeezing me...so tight...Spirits.” 

“Can’t help it,” I whisper, fighting for control while the ridges make my muscles quake and his shaft hits everywhere that I need it on each deep thrust inside me. “You feel...God, this is so good.” 

“Damnit, Shepard. I need...I have to fuck you,” he growls, voice flanging wildly and taking on a hint of desperation. “I need it, need to be deeper inside you...as deep as I can get.” That sexy voice saying things that no one else ever has before nearly sends me right over the edge but I manage to grant him the permission he needs. 

I lose my breath when Garrus moves, suddenly surging to his feet and bringing me to the bed under him. He traps my arms down at my hips, a firm grip on my wrists and his body covering mine, so that I’m totally immobile. Powerless. All I can do is take it, Garrus pumping into me hard and fast. 

If having him inside me at all was incredible, then having him fuck me is heaven, his shaft testing all my limits and drilling inside me with power and precision while his balls slap heavily against my ass. It’s all I can do to lift my hips and meet his thrusts while Garrus uses pretty damn impressive reach and that ridiculously sexy voice of his to drive me wild. He growls and murmurs how good I feel, how good I make him feel, and I can tell he’s getting wild right along with me. 

Before long, our combined moans are loud and reckless enough to drown out the noise of the Citadel - and probably for his neighbors to hear. 

I can feel a delicious heat unfolding inside me, the orgasm I need so badly need cresting, and urge him on with my feet at his lower back. Garrus doesn’t need more direction than that and I find out exactly where my breaking point is when he slams into me, pounding at me hard. I can’t keep up with his thrusts anymore, lost and arching off the bed with desperate need. 

“I can feel that, feel you tightening,” he breathes again my throat, hot breath making me shiver and sweat all at once. “I wanna feel you cum for me.” 

“Yes...Garrus, please.” I don’t care that I’m begging. “Let me touch you.” 

He releases my wrists and I grip him, clawing down his back and reveling in the way he arches his spine which only manages to push him deeper inside me. Being able to feel his muscles flex and plates shift with every thrust of his cock and twist of his hips only makes it all more erotic and I’m quickly clutching him just to keep hold of my sense of reality. 

Garrus’ mouth shifts to my ear and he nips the lobe. “Need you with me. Cum for me.” 

That damned voice combined with what’s so clearly an order is more than I can take and the dam breaks, tears spilling from my eyes as the most powerful orgasm of my life rocks through me. Garrus snarls and quakes as he continues to thrust through his own orgasm, moaning my name and other things that my translator doesn’t pick up. 

He finally starts to slow as I come down from an amazing high, both of us gasping for air and clinging to one another. He’s not sweating, making me wonder if Turians are capable of sweat, but I note that his scent has changed into something spicier and the plates on his shoulder taste sweet when I kiss him. Garrus exhales softly and presses his face into my neck, letting himself rest more heavily on top of me without crushing me. 

I can feel my muscles trying to relax but realize that Garrus is still very much inside me and still hard. 

“Are you…” I laugh through the shock. “Christ, could you go again?” 

“Hell yes,” he answers firmly. There’s a frown on his handsome features when he lifts his head to look at me. “Why is that surprising?” 

“It’s just, uh...not what I’m used to. Human men need a while after before they can go again.” 

Garrus seems to consider that for a beat and then smiles before he leans down and licks slowly from my collarbone all the way to my ear, my core clenching around him fantastically. “I am nowhere near done with you,” he growls. 

I close my eyes and thank whatever gods are listening for Turian stamina. If this will be the only time I have what’s certain to remain the best sex ever, I am not stopping anytime soon. 

Waking up with someone in my arms is a bit of a revelation for me. It’s the first time in probably twenty years that I’ve let a girl sleep in my bed, and the last time was when my little sister was afraid during a storm on Palaven. This time, the girl is much more of a woman and somehow more familiar to me. Her human body is soft and flexible, letting her align with all of my parts that shouldn’t work with hers but they do...Spirits, they work so well. 

Shepard is sleeping soundly on her stomach beside me, the sheets pooled at the small of her back. Her soft skin is marred in red scratch marks, shallow punctures, and marks from my teeth as evidence of my excitement. Her dark red hair is gathered over one shoulder and the other is covered in an N7 tattoo, a black and red mark of pride for her military talents. 

It surprises me that I don’t mind having her here, that I’m not cursing her or myself for this clear breach in my normal procedure. Maybe it’s because I respect her so much as a person, just because of what I know from her record, that I couldn’t throw her out. Maybe I just didn’t want to. I like having her here. 

It probably helps that she was so damn good. Spirits know I don’t lack for stamina but I had no idea that I was capable of that, rising to the occasion over and over again for hours. I love sex and adore women, but usually at some point, I finish for the last time. With Shepard, every time she so much as looked at me with those gem-colored eyes, I couldn’t think of anything but getting back inside her hot little body. 

My legs and back are still sore now. I can feel where her blunt nails dug into the softer hide between my plates, on my waist and ass. Everywhere that she should reach to pull me even deeper.

It amazes me that this soft, squishy human with her breakable skin and tiny frame could handle everything that I gave her and give it all right back. She liked it. I liked it, too...so damn much. So much, apparently, that I was drawn to her even in my sleep and continued to hold her after we passed out, my legs tangled between hers and my arm draped over her waist. 

Nihlus is never, ever going to let me live this down. 

The thought makes me smile and I disentangle myself slowly from the sleeping human Commander, slipping out of bed without disturbing her. Her cinnamon and citrus scent is all over me, now combined with the smell of our sex, and I almost don’t want to wash any of it off. That’s just going to give my best friend too much ammo at breakfast though, so I climb into my shower and wash quickly. 

I planned to be out before Shepard got up, but I can hear her moving around as I start to rinse off so I grab a towel. I’ve learned from the few humans at C-Sec that they prefer modestly when you’re not actively having sex, so I wrap the towel around my waist before leaving the bathroom. Shepard is hopping around my living room on one foot, apparently trying to get her shoe on while standing with one hand while the other hand is clutching her shirt to her bare breasts. 

She doesn’t hear me coming out of the bathroom with her dulled human senses and because she’s so obviously distracted, spinning in circles while looking for something. 

I almost wish I had my visor to record this for future blackmail and the idea makes me laugh, giving away my position. “Jesus, you scared me!” That seems like an understatement considering how high she jumped. 

I move away from the wall and toward her. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“No, I…” She takes a deep breath and runs her hand back over her hair, which is already back up in a neat ponytail. “I can’t find my bra and - “ 

“And you were trying escape before I came out,” I finish for her with a smirk, crossing the room to where I remember throwing that damn thing last night. Shepard sighs like she didn’t want me to know what she was doing but I can’t blame her; I’d be doing the same thing if we were at her place. 

No one likes the awkward morning after. 

“Thanks,” she mutters when I hand it to her, taking it from me but not moving the shirt covering her chest. She’s also not running away anymore at the moment...and Spirits, the woman is even more gorgeous first thing in the morning. 

I press my luck, stepping closer to her and sliding one hand gently down her arm. “Before you hurt yourself jumping around like this,” I tease, earning a playful scowl that makes me smile. “Let me tell you how I see this morning going. You can grab a private shower, get dressed, and then have breakfast with me before we meet up with Nihlus - who is going to have a lot to say, by the way.” 

“I can imagine,” she laughs, her cheeks turning a fantastic pink color. 

“Your other option is to continue hopping around, I can pretend we never crossed paths this morning, and you can go.” 

The second option has another part to it that I know she heard without me having to say it. If she goes now, we’ll likely never speak again. Why does that bother me so much?

Shepard hesitates for a moment, her eyes leaving me and seeming to look at anything but me. I hate how anxious I feel during the long pause. Finally, she takes a breath and I watch the tension melt from her shoulders. “Sorry. I’m...being ridiculous. This whole thing is just...so not my style.” 

“It does comfort me a little to know that you don’t go home with random Turians every shore leave.” 

“Only for holidays and every other Wednesday.” 

A hard laugh escapes me and Shepard rolls her eyes while laughing. She shakes her head like she’s trying to clear it out and then rewards me with a smile, pressing her soft little hand into my chest. 

“Thank you. I’d love to have breakfast with you. And I’m not stupid enough to refuse a private shower.” 

“Feel free,” I tell her, motioning toward the bathroom with my arm. “You already smell like me so there’s really no harm in taking that further at this point.” 

Nihlus and the rest of the Turians who have ever met me on this station will know the moment Shepard is within fifty hards of them that I spent the night inside her, but I’m far from ashamed. Just look at her. The idea of a claim on her, even a small one, makes me proud.

Shepard laughs but there’s a dark gleam to her eyes that my body is already trained to recognize, the air between us sparking to life in recognition. “Is that so? Because, you know, when I said private shower...I didn’t necessarily mean alone.” 

She takes a slow step back, away from me, a mischievous gleam in her eye before she turns toward the bathroom. I watch her extend her arm to drop her bra and the shirt that was covering her breasts. I don’t have enough pride not to give chase and she giggles when I catch her, hauling her body into mine and dropping my towel. 

I take her against the wall in the shower, her strong arms and toned legs wrapped around me with our mouths locked together as we climax in perfect unison. The inside of his woman is almost unbearably tight, hot and wet. The muscles deep in her core cling to me and squeeze like a fist, drawing every ounce of pleasure she can from me. She comes a second time just from the feeling of me exploding inside her and it’s almost enough to make me pass out. 

Shepard is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before and I already feel addicted to it. To her. She’s ruined me, I know that, and I don’t care very much. 

We release each other when the water starts to run cold. She kisses me again before we get out of the shower. Kissing is new and kind of another revelation; the first time I saw two humans doing this, I thought they were trying to devour each other. Now I know exactly why they’re so crazy about it and I can’t believe I’ll have to stop when she leaves. 

Shepard is decidedly more modest now while putting her clothes on then she was when we were taking them off, so her back is to me while she pulls on her pants. “I have Medi-Gel, if you want some for your back,” I offer, hoping it doesn’t come off weird. “I, uh...might have gotten a little enthusiastic and I don’t think you want to scar.” 

She laughs while reaching her hands behind her at an angle that would dislocate both of my shoulders to refasten that bra thing in place. I still hate that thing. “I happen to be proud of all my battle wounds,” she quips, looking at me over her shoulder with unmistakable heat but something comfortably happy, too. “And I didn’t mind your enthusiasm at all, Officer Vakarian.” 

Oh, good Spirits. She makes my mouth go dry and she knows it.

“That place I took you for dinner is my entire repertoire for human food on the Citadel,” I confess as we head for the elevator now that we’re dressed. “We can chance somewhere else or go there.” 

“That place was good and I’d rather not risk it when I’m hungry,” she responds, smiling up at me. “My biotics take up a lot of energy so I don’t usually go this long without eating when I’m going to be...well, working out with such a handsome wall of solid muscle.” 

I laugh, my head tilting back as the sound escapes me and the joy I felt all night returns in a flood. She makes me feel happy, whether or not that makes any sense to me. “I’ll have to remember that one.” We step into the elevator and I can’t resist the urge to tease her. “Handsome, am I?”

“You’re alright.” She gives me a once over with an exaggerated look of disdain. “Clearly impotent and lacking in bed, though.” I laugh again and she leans against the opposite wall of the elevator, her arms crossed over her chest. It drives me crazy that she can be so casual and so sexy all at once. 

I’m drawn to her and I don’t resist it, crossing slowly to her side of the elevator and not stopping until I’m close enough to press my hands against the wall at either side of her head but not to touch her. “Your disappointment might be a little easier to believe if you could stop checking me out.” 

“Are you saying that you mind me checking you out?” she counters, a smile full of mischief forming. 

Damn, she is trouble. Shepard presses one hand against my chest and tilts her face up toward mine. I take the invitation for what is and lean down, inhaling the citrus and cinnamon scent of her skin while I kiss her soft lips. She meets the kiss but this time neither of us tries to deepen it or move our hands. I can be content with this for now. 

We part slowly when we can feel the elevator coming to a stop and I brush my mouth against hers once before straightening and dropping my hands. “You know, for someone who didn’t know what to do with a human mouth, you’ve sure picked up kissing quickly.” 

“I had a lot of incentive.” She really likes that if the brilliant smile and spark in her green eyes is any indication but I can’t find out because the doors open and release us. 

“Tell me something I don’t know about you,” she says suddenly. I frown down at her and dodge an Asari trying to wrangle three children. Shepard laughs at my expression. “Come on! It’s weird to want to know a little about your life now?” 

“Fair enough. What do you want to know?” 

She makes a thoughtful sound with a playful expression on her face but doesn’t have a chance to ask right away when we reach the restaurant and get seated. When the Asari waitress leaves us, Shepard pins me with a gaze. “How old are you?”

“Twenty six.” 

“Me, too! When is your birthday?”

I laugh at her excitement over something so small as the waitress arrives with two cups of coffee. “Turians don’t celebrate their birthdays.” 

“That doesn’t mean you don’t know when it is,” she returns with a grin. 

I laugh and cave; I’m not sure I could manage to deny this woman a damn thing and it scares the crap out of me. I tell her my birthdate Palaven time and Shepard uses her Omni Tool to figure out when it would be on Earth’s calendar. She lights up. “April first. Hey, mine is the tenth. You’re just a few days older than me.” 

I have no idea why that makes her so happy but it’s becoming contagious. 

“Wow, you’re just a kid,” That earns me a playful kick to my leg under the table and the Asari comes back to take our order, eyeing us suspiciously because now we’re smiling like fools. “My turn - fair is fair. Tell me your most embarrassing memory.” 

“Oh, what, that’s not the same at all!” I just shrug and sip my coffee, doing my best to intimidate her with my gaze. Shepard laughs and rolls her eyes but gives in; maybe she can’t deny me either. “Once during N7 training, we were in the gym. So I’m surrounded by men who are all older than me and mostly much higher ranked. And my pants ripped, right along my ass.” 

I almost choke on my coffee when a laugh bubbles up and it sends us both right back into a fit of laughter. 

“You were not supposed to laugh at me!” she protests even while she’s laughing too. 

“I never promised that but I’ll make it up to you by giving you a free question.” 

She smirks. “Damn, and I can’t think of anything good. All I was thinking to ask was whether you have any brothers or sisters?”

“At least the answer is yes. I have two older brothers - who are both married with their own children - and a baby sister.” I can’t fight the smile off my face when I think about my sister. 

Shepard notices and smiles in turn. “You’re close to your sister. How old is she?” 

“Solana and yes, we’re very close. She’s four years younger than me - well, younger than us.” 

“And you called her a baby!” 

I shrug and shamelessly admit, “She’s my baby girl still. I don’t care how old she is.” Shepard laughs and rolls her eyes but her gaze is warm and fond. “Do you have a big family.” 

The warm smile drops so fast I half expect to hear it hit the table. “No.” Her answer is clipped and terse, making it clear that she does not want to go down that road. 

“OK. Well, that was your free question. So what’s the real one?” 

She’s looking at me over her coffee up, eyes showing me her gratitude for not pushing her on the question about her family. “Hmm. Is there anything that you’re proud of?” 

“Good one. But...no, I don’t really think so. I’m not sure I’ve done anything to be proud of yet.” Shepard waits and I feel like it’s not good enough. “I guess...well, I was accepted into sniper school early. Usually we can’t specialize until after military school graduation at eighteen, and I was selected at sixteen.” 

“You’re a sniper?” she confirms. “Any good?”

I just smile at that. “You’ll have to find out someday. Maybe next time you’re on the Citadel we’ll hit the gun range.” She’s not dense enough to miss what I’m doing. The moment the words are out of my mouth though, I regret it and feel self-conscious so I scramble to recover. “You know, if...if you’re not too busy.” 

“I won’t be too busy. It’s a date.” I dare a glance up to find her already watching me and I can’t help looking down at her mouth. She notices and her smile grows but she shakes her head just a little, almost in a challenge. 

I’m distracted - and probably saved - by my Omni-Tool dinging with a voice message from Nihlus. I tell her and she nods for me to play it. 

“Good morning, Pup! If you’re still inside Commander Shepard, finish up and call me. If you’re awake and you threw her out, go find her because even I knew she was sexy. If you’re awake and with her - good morning, Shepard! I’m on my way to your place for a shower and then I’ll meet you wherever.” 

“Spirits, what a dick,” I groan, even as I laugh at Nihlus who was laughing by the end of his own message. “I should have known that wouldn’t be safe to open in public. You’d think more than two decades with the guy would be enough to learn my lesson.” I quickly send him a message to tell him where to meet us and hope Shepard isn’t mortified. 

Fortunately, she seems to think the whole thing was pretty funny. “He seems like a good guy. A lot of fun to have around.” I can’t disagree as the waitress brings our breakfast to the table. “Why does Nihlus call you Pup?” 

“Oh, I don’t think so. You’ve had more than your share of questions this morning, kid.” She laughs and rolls her green eyes dramatically at me and at the nickname. “Favorite movie?”

“Don’t laugh again. I love the Blasto movies.” 

I ignore her rule and laugh. “OK, well that should have been your embarrassing thing.” 

“Shut up! Those movies are classics.” 

“First of all, they can’t be classics if they keep making new ones. Isn’t the one coming out this year something like the fifteenth? Second...Shepard, they suck.” 

She laughs and turns her knife on me, flaring at me with bright green eyes that hold no heat. “Watch it, Vakarian. I might miss during our shooting range date.” 

I toss my head back and laugh with her, our conversation and comradery coming just as naturally as the sexual attraction...which I can still feel crackling across the table between us. This is what’s newest about Shepard; not having sex with a human but how easily friendship is coming with her after sex. 

Shepard doesn’t notice I’m lost in thought and is still protecting her horrible media choice. “You just haven’t watched them with the right person. We’ll do that on our date, too.” 

“Watch Blasto is what you want to do at my apartment on a date?” I ask, not bothering to hide the challenge. Shepard has the grace to flush, her face even more beautiful when it’s pink. I end one of my legs and boldly nudge hers under the table. She jumps just a little and then smiles, hooking her ankle around mine. “I’m a question behind. What are you most proud of?” 

She shakes her head a little. “I’m not sure there’s anything yet, really. I know it sounds weird since I have medals and there are things the Alliance is proud of but...I don’t know, I don’t really feel it yet. You get it.” 

“I do.” A sense of pride swells in my chest at being able to understand something so personal and private about her. It does surprise me coming from someone well known as a war hero, though. 

She’s humble. That’s new. 

She smiles at me and we both turn to our meals for the moment. I allow myself to bask in the taste of actual Turian food, not the fast-food I usually deal with which is Asari and also dextro-friendly. I recall the french fry from last night and wonder if I should be trying more human foods. 

The most recent human things I’ve tried have turned out pretty great. 

“You know, I think it’s your turn to try a new food,” I tell her, lifting a piece of caritas from my plate and extending it to her. 

“What is it?” she asks, not touching it and giving me a skeptical look. 

“Baby Salarian feet.” She balks but recovers quickly when she realizes I’m joking and smacks my arm. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. It’s just a cured meat that we fry. One of my favorite breakfast foods but you can eat it anytime.” 

She makes a sound in the back of her throat and then extends her hand to take it from mine. I expect her to nibble a little the way my sister used to when we were kids and she didn’t want to try something new, but Shepard takes a genuine bite. No fear. 

After chewing a couple times, her face lights up like the Citadel from space. “Oh, my God...it’s just like bacon! You have bacon.” 

“You can keep saying that word but I don’t understand it,” I note, laughing at her enthusiasm. 

“Here.” She picks up a thin reddish strip of something shiny with grease and hands it over. “That is bacon. Try it.” I pop the small piece she gave me into my mouth and blink when I realize she’s right; it takes almost identical to charitas except this human version is crispier and a little saltier. “How weird is it that both of our species have and adore bacon? Humans go crazy for this shit.” 

“I can see why. I think your version is better,” I admit. 

Shepard shakes her head and shoves her almost empty plate toward me. “Then let’s trade because I like yours more.” 

“There’s a dirty joke about human men in there somewhere, but I’m too hungry to find it.” 

She laughs while we swap out pieces of meat from one another’s plates and Shepard flashes me a stunning smile before digging back into her meal. I don’t think there’s much I wouldn’t do or agree to just to bring that smile back to her face and keep it there. 

“More food sharing?” Nihlus’ voice rings out as he strolls up to the table. “You two are so cute I might throw up.” We laugh at him as he grabs an empty chair from another table, swings it around, and straddles the back of it to sit with us. He reaches out without asking and takes my coffee, swallowing what was left in a couple gulps. 

“Very nice,” I mutter when he puts the cup back down in front of me like it’s of any use to me now. I catch the waitress’ attention and she nods with a promise to come back with more. 

Nihlus look a little drained and it worries me immediately, my appetite slowing significantly so I guide my plate closer to him. I know that Nihlus can handle himself but since I’m also a Turian man, I know what we’re capable of and I worry about him. 

Shepard is watching him too and seems to notice that he’s off. “Rough night? No sex jokes, please.” 

He jerks one shoulder in a shrug. “The sex was alright, nothing to write home about,” he tells us, never one to be shy about his sex life no matter who is around. “The guy let me fall asleep there, I left this morning and sent you that message. Then he comes outside of his place and freaks out that I was still around. Apparently, he’s supposed to be committed to his Asari girlfriend who was coming home. Didn’t want me to get caught smelling like him.” 

“Asshole,” Shepard spits from the other side of the table. “You want me to go back and kick his ass? He’d never see it coming from a human.” 

I laugh and give her a grateful nod. It helps my opinion of her immensely that she’s good to Nihlus. 

He manages a laugh as well and then just shrugs again. “It’s not a big deal, really. Being called a faggot just really isn’t my favorite activity first thing in the morning.”

I reach out on instinct and curve my hand around the back of his fringe, pressing gently in an affectionate gesture. Turians might be better with fluid sexuality than other species but we aren’t perfect and my heart hurts whenever Nihlus deals with it. Nihlus smiles for real finally and leans into my touch as he reaches out takes a bit of the bacon from my plate. 

He frowns after taking a bite and then looks down at his hand, realizing just then that he’s eating something familiar. “This is not charitas.” 

“No, it’s bacon - human food. And it’s even better,” I inform him, plucking the remaining piece from his fingers and eating it before I have to share any more. 

Shepard laughs at me and then has to swat Nihlus’ hand away from her plate before he can steal from it. We share the rest of the meal in easy company, Nihlus quickly coming back to life and forgetting about this morning. 

I let the whole thing go but only because I can’t remember what the Turian from last night looked like, so I can’t hunt him down. I could check the security cameras. 

“Don’t let him give you a hard time about anything embarrassing,” Nihlus tells Shepard after she recounts our earlier conversation. “He took a head dive down the stairs at primary school graduation, sprawled out on the floor in front of everyone and their mother - literally. How you ever got laid after that is beyond me, Pup.” 

I smirk and tell him, “I happen to be a handsome wall of solid muscle.” 

Shepard throws her head back and laughs harder than I’ve heard from her before while Nihlus gives me a confused but happy glance. I just shrug, unable to explain what’s going on here between us. I just like her company, find her really easy to get along with. 

Want desperately to get back inside her body. 

“I need to head back to your apartment and grab my bag,” Shepard announces after draining a third cup of coffee. I’ve learned from C-Sec that humans really like their caffeine but Shepard seems to take that to a whole new level. Or maybe she just had a long night. “I’m happy to run back there myself if you don’t mind. It’ll give you guys a few minutes to catch up. I crashed your entire night.” 

“He didn’t mind that,” Nihlus quips, muttering into his cup. 

I smack his arm but ignore him. “You sure you can find your way there?”

She assures me and I send the code for my apartment door to her Omni-Tool. With another smile and patting Nihlus’ shoulder on her way past him, Shepard heads out of the restaurant. Nihlus and I both turn in our seats to watch her go; her ass really is perfect and there’s definitely something to be said for the soft sway of her hips even as she strides with military grace and purpose. 

“Well shit, Vakarian,” Nihlus breathes, bringing my attention back to him. He’s already gaping at me. “Not only did you fuck her, but you loved it...and you like her!” 

“Hey, keep it down,” I scold him, my eyes darting around quickly to make sure he didn’t offend anyone with that language in a place with kids. “Crap, I’m becoming a cop.” 

Nihlus laughs. “Don’t ever let Saren find out about this; he’d never let you live it down.” 

I try not to grimace at that thought. We may not talk daily anymore but Saren Arterius has been my mentor for over a decade, so I don’t love hiding things from him. The thought of having to sit through another of the Spectre’s useless anti-human lectures is enough reason to keep my mouth shut about Shepard next time I see him. 

He’s so angry now…

Nihlus distracts me when he swats my arm and asks, “So...how was it?” 

I can’t help the smile on my face when I think about last night; Shepard’s body writhing underneath me, the way she looked riding me, how tight her body got when she climaxed over and over and...I have to shake off the thought because I’m about to start drawing attention to myself very inappropriately. 

“Wow, that good huh? Maybe I should start checking out humans.” 

I laugh but shake my head at him. “I don’t know, she looked surprised when I got naked. I’m pretty sure humans aren’t, uh...packing the same heat.” 

Nihlus frowns and makes a disappointed face that I laugh at. The frown dissolves quickly and his mandible flare on a grin. “The guy I drilled for an hour turns out to be a homophobe but my best friend warns me that a human might not be hung well enough for my tastes. My love life has become really weird.” 

“You? You know, I turned down a Turian woman last night for Shepard. I can’t even tell you the last time I saw one on the Citadel; it’s been months since I’ve had a Turian.” I shake my head at myself and note, “I thought I had a type.”

Nihlus laughs and shakes his head at me playfully. “I wish I was staying longer,” he admits, running a talon absentmindedly around the rim of his coffee mug - his own now that the waitress was kind enough to bring him one. 

I laugh and confess, “I wish I was going with you.” 

He offers me a sympathetic smile, as aware as I am that I’m stuck for now if I don’t want to face the wrath of Castius Vakarian. If I want to be allowed to visit my family’s home ever again, I need to stick it out with C-Sec for a little while. That doesn’t make it easier, especially when my best friend is a Spectre who gets to travel the galaxy...with Shepard.

“I’ll be back next month and I’ll bring Shepard with me,” he offers, reading my mind. “She can hang out for one night but I’m taking a long weekend, so use your vacation time.” 

I agree without hesitation, already looking forward to it. Grown men or not, it’s nice to spend a weekend drinking and bullshitting with my closest friend. And having Shepard around doesn’t sound too bad at all. 

“Hey, while we have a minute…” Nihlus glances toward the entrance. “What do you think of her outside of the bedroom?” 

“Like as a Spectre?” I ask, catching on that he’s asking for a personal opinion. “I think humanity would have to work pretty hard to earn someone like her as a representative of their species.” Nihlus blinks at me and I try not to balk, realizing just how damn smitten that made me sound. “Shut up.” He chuckles, still shaking his head at me just as Shepard returns. 

Her presence reminds Nihlus of the time and it effectively puts an end to the visit. We head back toward the docks together and I nudge Shepard while she walks between me and Nihlus. 

I nearly lose my train of thought under the gaze of those damn green eyes of her. “Watch after this guy for me, OK? He’s an idiot.” 

Shepard laughs and nods. “I’ll try to keep him in line. We’ve all heard how Spectres can get.” 

Nihlus laughs at us and catches my eye, raising his brow plates at me. He motions toward Shepard with his hand, trying to send a message that I don’t want to translate. 

We reach the docking bay where the Normandy SR-1 is waiting in all her glory. Captain Anderson is already there and greets the three of us. I notice a bounce in Shepard’s step the moment that she sees him and the fond smile that he gives her; it’s clear the two of them are close. 

Anderson is all business right now, though. “Commander Kyrik, I’d like to speak with you before we take off - when you have a moment.” 

“I’ll join you,” he promises, nodding to the human Captain who turns and heads back toward the ship so Nihlus can have a moment to say goodbye. My stomach always feels a little queasy when I watch Nihlus leave, not allowed to know what exactly his missions entail and never knowing where he’ll end up. Of course, that edge of danger is what’s drawn both of us to the Spectres. 

“Alright, Pup.” Nihlus grabs my carapace and uses it to yank me into a hug, our foreheads bumping briefly as he holds the back of my head. “See you next month?”

“I’ll be here. Watch your six, Nih...and hers,” I add more softly so that only Nihlus hears it. When he pulls away, he’s beaming at me but just pats my shoulder and then turns to board the ship. 

It takes me a beat to realize that he’s left me alone with Shepard in the awkward position of having to say goodbye. “Don’t let him give you too much shit,” I joke, hoping the moment won’t be too weird. 

She laughs, easing my tension in an instant. “Is that actually possible?” 

I’m fairly certain that Shepard and Nihlus are going to end up lifelong friends by the time they get back here. Pure trouble, both of them. 

Shepard turns to face me, cocking her head to the side and giving me a smirk that is downright sexy. “What will it do to your ego if I tell you that this is the best shore leave I’ve had...maybe ever?” 

“Oh, Shepard,” I drawl, shaking my head. “You are never going to live that down.” 

“Ah, damn. I should have known better.” She mocks a frown and shakes her head at me. My hands itch to touch her, run my talons through that silky hair, and tilt her head back so I can take her mouth. “Anyway...I should go.” 

“Right. I’ll see you around, Shepard.” 

“It’s Elle. And don’t forget about our date when I get back next month, Garrus,” she calls, starting to walk backward slowly, much like she did this morning before drawing me into the shower with her. 

“Don’t you forget that you have my Omni-Tool info...and you should call me.” It takes more for me to say that out loud - to ask her for that - than I’ll ever admit but Shepard’s quick flash of surprise suggests she knows that. 

Shepard gives me a beautiful smile and rewards me with a wink before she disappears, leaving me behind.


	2. Squad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’re getting two-for-one since it’s the eve of N7 day and the story’s debut, but after this, it’ll be one chapter a week. I hope you actually like it enough to want to know that…..

There’s always the most action on a bridge when we’re making a jump through a relay. 

Everyone on this ship knows that the pilot can handle it. Hell, I’ve only been on the ship a couple weeks, and I can’t imagine there’s much of anything that this pilot can’t handle. But the whole crew runs around like they’re busy when we’re jumping. I think most of it is the rush, the way gravity gets a little weird for a couple seconds, and it feels like your feet might actually lift from the ground before that dropping feeling sets in, like the one you’d get on a roller coaster. 

Damn, when’s the last time I was a roller coaster?

A little busy for that these days. 

I make my way through the bridge and toward the cockpit where Jeff “Joker” Moreau is guiding us out of Faster-than-Light flight from the relay and back down toward normal speed and our destination. I recognize Nihlus by his silhouette as I approach, tall with the broad shoulders and tapered waist that all Turians have. 

It’s made me wonder idly if part of the animosity that so many human men feel toward Turians, even now that the war is behind us, is that humans have to work so hard for the same shape. 

“Shepard,” Nihlus calls as I arrive from behind him. I’ll never get used to the fact that he can smell me coming. He knows that, of course, which is why he makes a show of it. 

I tilt my head to flash a smirk and a wink, the Turian giving me a brief smile before putting his stern face back on. I know him too well to take it seriously. 

Kaidan Alenko is sitting in the co-pilot seat, mostly just because Captain Anderson wants the crew tight on protocol because of our Spectre guest. He glances back over his shoulder to give me a small smile. A very cute smile. 

“How are we doing?” 

“Your pilot minimized drift to under fifteen hundred kilometers,” Nihlus answers for Joker. I don’t argue that he’s not actually my pilot. “Good. The Captain will be pleased.” With that, Nihlus turns on his heels and leaves us. 

“I hate that guy,” Joker grumbles almost immediately when he’s gone, probably unaware that the Turian can definitely still hear him. 

I can’t help a smirk at the comment. I asked Nihlus after his first few nights onboard why he was so serious and distant with the crew when I know him as warm, funny, and charming. Joker would probably like him in another setting - they might even be friends. When I told Nihlus that, he said that was the point; he doesn’t like forming attachments anymore because his Spectre status means that he’s moving from crew to crew, ship to ship. 

I would hate not knowing one crew as mine and always starting over. 

Kaidan laughs at Joker. “Nihlus just gave you a compliment...so you hate him?” The Lieutenant has a point, and I feel my spine straighten at the faint smell of xenophobia in the room. There are few things I hate more. 

“That was not a compliment,” Joker argues. “You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That’s good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that’s incredible. Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don’t like having him on board. Call me paranoid.” 

This time I laugh, mostly with relief that it’s ego and not racism on a ship that was created as a measure of goodwill between the Turian Hierarchy and the Alliance Navy. Having a Spectre on board has had most of the crew on edge, though. I have to admit that even I don’t know how to feel about the elite and secretive Council force. 

It was different before when he was just Nihlus. Spectre Kyrik is a little intimidating and has the service record to back that up. 

It doesn’t help around here that the Spectres still haven’t accepted a human into their ranks despite the successes we’ve had in the short time since joining the greater galactic community. Yet. 

I might have a little ego of my own to add to the crew. 

“You’re paranoid,” Kaidan responds, chuckling at the pilot. “The Council helped fund the Normandy project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.” 

Joker scoffs again. I’m starting to wonder if he can begin a sentence without that sound. “Yeah, that is the official story. But only a chump believes the official story.” 

“Joker.” Captain Anderson’s voice over the comm straightens every spine in the room. “Status report.” Joker gives him a quick rundown that I don’t pay a lot of attention to. “Excellent. Have Shepard meet me in the comm room in twenty minutes.” 

“Aye, aye Captain. You may want to brace yourself, sir. Nihlus is headed your way,” Joker warns him. 

There’s a pause before the Captain speaks again, his voice distinctly grumpier. “He’s already here.” 

Joker at least has the grace to facepalm at his own mistake. “Great. You pissed him off, and now I get to go deal with it,” I tease. 

The pilot spins his chair around to face me, a smirk appearing under his very much non-regulation beard. “Just flash your service record at him, and you can get away with anything, Commander.” 

I laugh and throw him a wink for good measure before I turn and head back down the bridge in the direction Nihlus went a few minutes ago. I plan on heading for the crew quarters to check emails on my personal terminal, but Navigator Pressly is having a loud discussion with Engineer Adams over the comms, and the mention of Nihlus’ name catches my attention. 

He spots me and straightens away from his task, so I slow with the intention of greeting him. “Commander.” 

Most of the crews I’ve worked with know that I’m not much for titles or fanfare and just prefer ‘Shepard.’ It wouldn’t fly with many of the other Commanders or Captains in the Alliance Navy, but I mostly just think they’re all too stiff. Pressly and this crew might not know me well enough for that yet, but at least he shakes my hand instead of saluting me. 

“You heading down to see the Captain?”

“Shortly, yes.” 

“With all due respect, ma’am…” I try not to cringe at that from a man twice my age. The veteran could have retired happily with honors years ago, but few can do his job better, and he knows it. “The Captain likes you. Maybe he’ll tell you what we’re really doing out here.” 

I frown at him, surprised that Joker’s conspiracy theories have reached the rest of the crew. “You think Alliance brass is holding out on us?”

Pressly takes a quick glance around. “If all we’re supposed to do is test out the stealth systems, why is Captain Anderson in charge? You’re more than capable of that. And then there’s Nihlus. Spectres are elite operatives, top covert agents. Why send a Spectre - a Turian Spectre - on a shakedown run? It doesn’t add up.” 

“You don’t trust Nihlus.” I try to keep any sign of protectiveness for Nihlus out of my tone. I’m also just about praying that Pressly proves me wrong like Joker did, and this isn’t about his species. 

“I don’t like Turians in general. Runs in my family.” I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes at the suggestion xenophobia and hatred are inbred. “My grandfather fought in the First Contact War, lost a lot of friends when the Turians hit us.” 

“Come on, Pressly. That was nearly thirty years ago. Nihlus wasn’t anywhere near that war.” I manage to control myself enough not to also remind him that the humans ‘hit’ the Turians first in that war. 

Pressly nods, but he doesn’t look convinced. “I know, I know. Old habits die hard, I suppose. It’d be easier if they were a little more personable.” 

I hide a smirk and just shrug. He’d probably shit himself if I told him that Nihlus is one of the funniest, most charming people I’ve ever met of any species. 

“Hey, we don’t know all Turians are like that. After all...I know some humans who can be a tough nut to crack.” With my eyebrows raised, Pressly gets the message and chuckles while his cheeks turn red. I pat his shoulder with a laugh of my own. “I have to meet up with our Spectre guest and Anderson. Keep up the good work, Pressly.” 

“Appreciate the chat, Shepard,” he calls after me, making my smile stick around a little longer than it might have otherwise. 

“Commander!” 

The enthusiastic shout that greets me just as I step into the crew quarters startles me a little and stops me dead in my tracks. Corporal Jenkins and Dr. Chakwas - who looks just as startled as I feel - are sitting at a table that is far too close to have required such a loud greeting. I’ve only been briefly introduced to the young soldier, but the body language between the two of them suggests they’ve served together for a while. 

“Jenkins, Dr. Chakwas,” I greet them at a normal volume level, approaching the table but not sitting. I still have some time before meeting up with Captain Anderson, and Karin Chakwas happens to be one of my most favorite people in the galaxy. I’ve known her just as long as I’ve known Anderson, the two of them a big part of my recovery and enlistment. I’ll always have time for her. 

“Just got my orders to go with you when we disembark, Commander,” Jenkins announces, quickly saluting me even though the smile threatening to split his face in half isn’t quite regulation. 

I appreciate an excited soldier, but this kid looks barely old enough to serve, and his enthusiasm seems misspent. Chakwas feels the same, I can tell with a glance. 

“It’s just a shakedown, Jenkins. Nothing to get excited about.” 

Jenkins waves that off. “There’s a Spectre onboard - a Turian Spectre! Those guys don’t answer to anyone, so he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for something big.” He beams, looking back and forth between Dr. Chakwas and I expectantly. “We’re finally going to see some real action!” 

“I sincerely hope you’re kidding, Corporal,” Dr. Chakwas scolds him. Her gaze is stern, but she manages to make it feel more parental than soldier. It’s always worked on me. “Your ‘real action’ almost always ends with me patching up Marines in the Med Bay.” 

I nod and agree. “She’s right, Jenkins. We never hope for a chance to get hurt, and you should remain focused on whatever the mission is. And the mission just a shakedown.” I emphasize the last part and hold his gaze. 

“Whatever you say, Commander,” he responds casually, clearly not affected by being reprimanded by the good doctor or myself. Dr. Chakwas gives me an exaggerated sigh, and I can read her thoughts in her expression. Boys. 

I excuse myself and head into the back of the room for some privacy at my terminal, pulling up my email for a quick scan. There’s nothing interesting, of course. I note the four unsent and unfinished drafts in my outbox with no small amount of disdain. The longest is a paragraph of rambling, and the shortest just says, “I don’t know what to say.” 

All four are addressed to Garrus Vakarian. He’s crossed my mind more than once since our one-night stand and not just because I met him through Nihlus. Actually, when he crossed my mind last night, it was because of my vibrator...which really isn’t doing it for me now. 

That jerk Turian ruined me.

I frown at the thought, wondering where I could find a good lay just to get over him since emailing Garrus clearly isn’t going to work out. I really did want to keep in touch. Garrus is funny, charming, smart, and so easy to talk to...but I just feel so weird whenever I try. 

How do you keep in touch with the one-night stand you can’t stop daydreaming about without sounding completely lame or desperate? And why did he even ask me to keep in touch with him? He probably knew exactly what it would do to me since that was clearly not his first casual rodeo. Whatever. 

I log out with a little more force than is necessary and decide to head to the Comm Room to meet Anderson, even if I’m early. It’s for the best since I know what happens if I spend too much time thinking about Garrus Vakarian...good God, what a night. 

I’m still scolding myself for thinking about Garrus when the doors to the Comm Room open, and I’m greeted by his instantly familiar, melted chocolate voice. I nearly trip over my own feet. 

Nihlus is laughing at whatever Garrus said just before I entered, the two of them in a video chat. I feel my face flush instantly and turn, desperate to leave before I actually have to face him - even electronically. “Shepard,” Nihlus calls, catching me with those damn Turian super senses. “You don’t want to come say hi?” 

“Nihlus,” I hear Garrus mumble softly through this video chat, his voice gently scolding. 

“I didn’t want to interrupt,” I lie, turning back around and heading down the platform and into the circular center of the room where we’re surrounded by screens of various sizes and purposes. If I run now, I’ll look like a coward, and that’s just not going to happen. 

Nihlus has his terminal up on a screen that projects Garrus from the chest up. I feel my heart skip awkwardly because I’d forgotten just how impossibly blue his eyes are. 

The memory of how those eyes looked when he was inside me - so, so deep inside me - comes unbidden, and I swallow hard. “Hey, Garrus.” 

“Shepard,” he responds, practically purring. He’s swaying side to side a little like he’s sitting in a chair that spins. “How are you?” 

“Good, thanks. You?” 

It’s awkward. I’m awkward. I hate awkward, especially when the time that we actually spent together was so easy, so natural. Nihlus makes a soft, growling sound from beside me, and I laugh at him, reading his annoyance. It helps me relax, so I decide just to be honest. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t emailed you. I’ve been...really stupid, actually.” 

Garrus laughs and does that thing I’ve seen both Turians do now, jerking one shoulder in a kind of shrug. “I make allowances for intelligence from humans,” he quips. 

“Oh, really now? I think we might have to go combat style on the gun range date,” I inform him, resting my hands on the railing in front of the screen. “You need your ass kicked by a human.” 

“Mmhmm, and since combat is Turian code for foreplay, I’m sure he won’t mind the ass kicking,” Nihlus teases, nudging me playfully with his elbow. 

Garrus laughs with us, but I don’t miss that he gazes at my face for just a beat too long to be casual. He’s thinking about that night, too. 

“We need to meet with the Captain, but she’ll message you when she’s done. Right, Shepard?” 

“Yes, Dad.” 

Nihlus doesn’t miss a beat, casually replying, “Actually, I prefer when they call me ‘Daddy.’” 

“Oh, wow. On that note, I’m gonna go throw up. Thanks, Nih.” I can’t help but laugh at Garrus, who is making such a disgusted face that it’s easily recognized. Still, I shove Nihlus away from me as punishment for implanting the thought of some grown man naked, sweaty, and calling him Daddy. 

I wince. “Oh, God, I’m getting a mental image.” 

“Stop!” Garrus barks, his tone pained, as Nihlus explodes in laughter and leans on the railing to hold himself up. We can’t help laughing with him, and I’m transported back to shore leave and how much I enjoyed every moment of hanging out with two total strangers of a different species. 

It makes me even more annoyed that I have needed to have conversations like the one with Pressly so often. Why can’t it all be like this, the way that it is with the three of us?

Hell, if more human women saw Turian men naked, we’d all get along much better. 

The idea brings heat to my face and tightens my core, drawing my eyes back to Garrus. His deep voice is even better when he’s laughing, and I love how the light dances in his eyes even on screen...though I absolutely hate how cheesy that sounded in my head. 

“We really do have to meet with the Captain,” Nihlus reminds us after everyone has caught their breath. “I’ll let you know how it goes.” 

“You better,” Garrus responds. “Be safe, both of you. I’ll be here...bored and useless.” 

“You have your uses.” The words leave my mouth before I realize I’m going to say them. Garrus blinks, and his brow plates shift even as a smirk breaks across his face. “And now I’m going to pretend I never said that. 

“I have a witness. And you should actually email me this time.” 

I wish I could even pretend to have the power to deny that damn smile of his. I promise and mean it. He says bye to both of us for now, and Nihlus closes down the terminal. 

The screen that had been on prior to the video chat pops back up, and I recognize it from vids and mission briefs as Eden Prime, the planet we’re approaching now. “I’ve heard it’s beautiful,” Nihlus says, also looking at the planet. 

“I’ve heard the same, but I can’t say from personal experience,” I admit. “This will be my first visit.” 

He makes a kind of thoughtful noise, though I’m not sure why something simple and simply fact warrants additional thought. Nihlus turns his back to the railing and leans on it so that he’s facing me, arms crossed over his broad chest, and a thoughtful expression on his face. Well, at least I think it’s thoughtful. He’s definitely harder to read than Garrus, and I don’t know if it’s the clan markings that distract from his face or the Spectre thing. 

Still watching me, he tilts his head to the side and stares me down with light green eyes that look almost yellow in some lights. “Shepard, it really doesn’t bother you at all, does it? Spending time with Turians - with aliens?”

I laugh, mostly from surprise at the turn in the conversation. “I think I’ve made that pretty clear,” I note, making him chuckle too. “But no, it doesn’t. I mean, I notice the differences. I’m not going to tell you that I don’t see species. But...I kind of like the differences. Minus your super senses, I hate that.” 

Nihlus throws his head back to laugh at that. When he recovers, he continues, “It’s different though, Shepard. Most of your kind, most humans still hold tension at best and all-out xenophobia more often than not. You’re certainly not the only species guilty of that, Spirits know that we do it, but it’s really unusual to find a human so...above it.” 

I stay silent while I consider my reply. He hasn’t outright asked why, but the question is implied, and it’s a valid one. I hear it pretty often, but usually from humans who want to know why I’m not more loyal to our side. That gets a lot of sarcasm and some swearing from me, but this deserves more. Still, no matter how much I like Nihlus, I’m not about to spill my life story to a new friend with a very high military rank - and not even my military. 

“I’ve seen a lot of hatred and bloodshed - even before getting into the military,” I tell him, settling for what’s mostly true. “So much of it came from people not even trying to understand each other, just lashing out for their differences. I might not be able to stop it, but I’m sure as hell not about to be a part of it.” 

“Well, Commander Shepard,” he drawls, straightening away from the railing and playfully tapping the end of my nose with a talon. “That was the right answer.” 

I blink at him, surprised - both by the excitement in his tone and his use of my full title - but the doors opening interrupts us. Captain Anderson marches in to join us, right on time, and Nihlus stiffens. I can feel him putting on his mask of strict professionalism; I need to master that. 

“Captain,” Nihlus greets him. “I think it’s about time we tell Shepard what’s going on.” 

Anderson joins us, and I look to him, appreciative that he looks at least a little sheepish. “I’m sure she’s figured something out.” 

“When you go out of your way to pick up a Spectre for a simple mission, the whole crew thinks something else is going on. I appreciate being brought into the loop...finally.” With a different Captain or with the crew present, I may not have thrown in the sass. But Anderson knows me better than just about anyone. I toe the line, I speak my mind, but I get my job done. 

Nihlus moves first, starting a slow walk to the other side of the room. “The Council has charged me, as part of the Normandy team, with making a covert pick-up on Eden Prime.” 

I may not understand much of interstellar politics, but I know the Council doesn’t make a practice of taking an interest in what Alliance ships pick up. The ship rocks a bit, signaling that we’re entering Eden Prime’s atmosphere. 

“Scientists on Eden Prime have discovered an ancient beacon of some kind,” Anderson explains. “We’ve been asked to move in and recover it. The Normandy’s stealth systems make our crew the perfect fit for this mission.” 

“Eden Prime being so close to the Traverse makes it a target, sure, but is this beacon so important that we need stealth?” I clarify. “And not that I don’t love you, Nih, but we need a Spectre?”

Nihlus turns to face me again and replies, “The beacon is Prothean.” 

The ship rocks again, and this time I think it might just be a reflection of my own surprise. Between military school and everything I’ve read, I know my fair share about the ancient and long-extinct race of beings that created the Citadel and Mass Relays our entire galaxy relies on still today. They’ve been gone for nearly fifty thousand years, and we’re still using their technology. 

“There hasn’t been a discovery of this magnitude for humanity since we round relay technology on Mars,” Anderson continues. “This is - “ 

“Captain.” Joker’s voice rings through the intercom. “We’ve received a transmission from a team on Eden Prime. I’ve patched it through to the Comm Room, and I think you’re gonna wanna see this.” 

I’m immediately on alert when Joker sounds serious. There’s no way that can be a good sign. 

He fires up a vid on one of the larger screens, and we all turn toward it. I assess as I watch, multiple unknown enemies firing on Alliance squads. The enemy must be using high powered weapons or biotics given all the explosions we can hear and debris flying on screen. 

A young soldier scrambles into view, first at something, and then turns back to face the screen. He’s out of breath, and the transmission is bad, so we’re only able to catch pieces of it. “...under attack...we’re...heavy casualties taken...beacon.” 

I feel Nihlus shift a bit beside me in response to mention of the beacon, his concern escalating. 

The soldier on screen takes a hit and falls to the side, giving us a view of the rest of his unit shooting and being shot at. The sky is clouded by storms when this morning, Joker gave us a sunny weather report on the planet. A loud mechanical groan takes over the sounds of gunfire, and the soldiers freeze, staring with wide mouths and eyes at something we can’t see with awe and what I recognize as shitting-your-pants terror. An explosion sounds and causes the camera to fall, giving us just a few more quick flashes of action before going dead. 

“Comms went dead after that,” Joker tells us. “We can’t reach anyone.” 

My adrenaline is pumping, knowing that now an enemy awaits us on the ground, but there’s something else. “Joker, can you back the video up? Slowly.” He complies, and I watch the camera fall again before calling, “Right there, hold it.” 

Whatever is on the screen only serves to confuse and concern me more. The thing, surrounded by biotic and kinetic shields, must be a ship since it’s clearly taking off, but it looks something like a giant set of claws. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. 

“What is that?” Anderson asks, his voice just as bewildered as I feel. 

“Status report, Joker,” I command, exploding into movement. I know the other two follow me as Joker confirms we’re ten minutes from the landing zone, and the next closest Alliance vessel is thirty minutes out. We’re going in blind and alone. 

“Land as close to that transmission point as possible,” Anderson tells me. 

“We go as a group, and we’ll be walking into a massacre,” Nihlus notes as we reach the bridge. I know that he’s right but turn to face him anyway, and the Turian laughs at the look on my face. “It’s OK, Shepard. I work better on my own anyway.” 

“We can split into two teams,” I offer, but Nihlus just cocks his head to the side, and I know he’s not going to give in. And he outranks me. We haven’t been friendly in front of the crew yet, but now doesn’t seem like the time to care about who is watching or listening. “Damn it. Just don’t do anything stupid. I can’t think of a very large Turian who is going to be pissed if you get hurt on my watch.” 

Nihlus laughs and extends a hand toward me. “You’d miss me, and you know it.” 

“Damn right I would.” I accept his gesture and grasp his forearm in my hand, giving him another nod before releasing my friend. I take a breath, preparing to let him go. “Joker, get Nihlus down on Landing Zone B. You can approach from there, Nih, and I’ll take a small squad with me.” 

Nihlus and Anderson both nod, not arguing with me despite their high command - and this being Anderson’s ship. 

“There is one more thing, Shepard,” Nihlus calls as he steps away and presses a hand to the elevator call pad. I wait while he steps inside. “If you prove yourself here...there just might be two Spectres taking the beacon back to the Council.” I blink, stunned when what he’s saying hits me, and Nihlus gives me a grin that’s become familiar. “Show me what you’ve got. See ya on the other side.” 

The doors of the elevator close, taking him from my view. 

Anderson opens his mouth to say something, but I hold up a hand to cut him off. “Not now. I need to focus on the mission.” I can tell he approves of that, and he says nothing. “Jenkins, gear up - five minutes. Grab Alenko, tell him that he’s with us.” 

I ignore the thrilled little whoop that Jenkins allows before running - actually running - up the bridge to the cockpit. I move in the other direction, slapping my hand against the pad for an elevator to the Cargo Hold. I hit the thing harder than I need to and can feel Anderson watching me still. 

A few minutes ago, we were on a simple shakedown mission. Now Nihlus is going alone into enemy fire. And I might end up a Spectre?

I take a deep breath and step into the elevator for the ride down. You’d think one floor would be a short ride, but this elevator is as bad as those on the Citadel. I manage to escape and gear up, already fitting my chest plates when Kaidan and Jenkins show up. They hurry to match my pace and finish up shortly after I finish strapping no less than four guns to my back and a pistol to my hip. 

I keep it on my left and pull from my right, something every single commanding officer I’ve served us has commented and frowned on. They all learn pretty quickly that I do what I want, dancing that line with insubordination, and I do it damn well. 

“Shepard.” The voice is Nihlus’, inside my helmet, where he’s speaking to me via a comm link. His voice is a little distant and crackly, but I can hear him say, “The situation is...kind of shitty, actually.” 

“Professional opinion, Spectre?” 

He gives one low laugh. “You know me. Anyway, get down here, and make your way toward the dig site, get eyes on that beacon. I’ll be in touch.” 

“Aye, aye. Be careful out there, Nihlus.” 

“You too, Commander. That large Turian will be even more pissed if you don’t make it back.” I can’t hide my smile at that, even knowing Jenkins and Kaidan heard. Nihlus clicks off, gone for now. 

Joker can get low and slow here, so the drop to the ground is simple, even with an assault rifle in hand. Jenkins and Kaidan land on either side of me, their breathing rhythmically plugging my ears inside my helmet. I assume it’s the over-excited kid who is panting. 

“Take it easy, Jenkins. This is just like any other mission.” 

I can’t help scanning the email again, even if I know it won’t do anything. It won’t change anything. 

He’s gone. Nihlus is gone. 

The email reached me over a week ago...the night before he died, hours before he was betrayed with a bullet in the back of his skull. Most of my childhood and military memories include Nihlus; memories of more carefree times when it was all so damn romantic. Now he’s dead, and my ass is here, up to my fringe in red tape and bureaucratic bullshit preventing me from bringing his killer to justice. 

Your human is something else. It’s one thing to see her as a civilian, but as a leader, a soldier? She’s like wildfire...dangerous, but you can’t help being in awe as it rages past you. She’ll be a Spectre in no time, killing some bad fuckers the moment we let her off the leash. No wonder you loved leashing this one, Pup.

I smirk at my best friend’s brash style, familiar and comforting right now even if it’s gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion. 

The human he’s talking about, Commander Elle Shepard, is arriving back on the Citadel today. All of C-Sec has heard she’s on the warpath; she wants Saren’s head for Nihlus’ murder and the Geth ambush that followed. Knowing someone cares about this is the only thing giving me life right now. 

A human is determined to bring down a traitor to our species, and Executor Pallin can’t even be bothered to give me the resources I need to complete my investigation into Saren.

A wildfire. It feels like fire will be needed to get anything done. 

On my part, I’m not quite done beating my head against this particular wall. My father’s favorite complaint about his youngest son: I don’t know when to quit or give up a fight. It’s something that feels horrible and sick and ironic to me right now since that same tenacity was one of Saren’s favorite things about me when he trained me. I just can’t give up on this one. 

Nihlus messaged me two weeks ago, we spoke and laughed that morning...and now, he’s gone. I’ll be damned if I quit at the first roadblocks I come up against in the battle to get him justice. 

Pallin already looks annoyed when he sees me coming, quickly dismissing the human Citadel employee he’s been talking to. Wordlessly, the grizzled Turian veteran holds out a hand similar to mine, and I give him a datapad with all the sad scraps and open leads I was able to gather. 

He’s from the same region of Palaven that Nihlus was born in, given away by the color of his clan markings. “Sir, I know there’s more,” I press him, swallowing the urge to shake the man and remind him where he came from, where my best friend came from.   
What we fucking stand for, as Turians. 

“Did you find anything, Vakarian?” He uses the tone of his voice to suggest that I’m not the best damn detective on C-Sec and my fists clench. 

The first time in a year anything is actually happening, something huge and personal, and I’m stuck. “Sir, I have a couple leads. If I had more time and the access, I could - “ 

“You don’t have more time. It’s over,” he snaps, cutting me off. He glances past me and immediately tenses, so I follow his gaze to find the source. 

My body responds in a totally different way than Pallin’s when I spot Commander Shepard headed toward us, easily recognized by dark red hair and an absolutely fascinating curve to her hips. She looks different in full armor, definitely more like the badass her record suggests she is, but I’d know her anywhere. Even flanked by two humans, a man and a woman, all I can see is her. 

“It’s over, Vakarian. Stand down.” 

I turn to watch the man practically run away as Shepard approaches, the smell of sweet citrus with a spicy hint of cinnamon preceding her. She watches Pallin’s retreat as well, probably feeling a little slighted by the Executor’s sudden departure. I feel a need to step in that I can’t really explain. 

“Commander Shepard.” It feels weird to be so formal with her. I offer a nod and rack my brain for the way humans greet each other; she solves the problem for me, offering her hand and a gentle smile like she understands. I accept it, feeling a familiar thrum of energy. 

I knew the moment I met Shepard that she was different, and now Nihlus’ appraisal of her is running through my mind. That night we had together as civilians is burned firmly in my memories, but with stories that I’ve heard, her service record, and the fact that Nihlus thought enough of her to sponsor her for the Spectres, I’m not about to disrespect her. 

Shepard eyes me as our hands part, bright green eyes trained on my face, and I’m aware that her Alliance counterparts are staring at me when the Commander’s stance relaxes. There’s a beat before her face falls into an expression I recognize as sympathy. 

“How are you holding up, Garrus?” she asks kindly, throwing regulation out the window and definitely surprising her squad with the familiarity. 

“I’m…” I’ve had a white lie practiced for weeks. I’ve told dozens of people that I’m fine since Nihlus died. But with Shepard, it’s just too hard to lie. Instead, I shake my head. “I really appreciate your emails and you calling me. Honestly...it’s keeping me sane, which is really saying something.” 

“I know.” And I think she really does. 

Shepard called me from the Normandy and told me what happened personally instead of forcing me to hear it through C-Sec channels with a delay. It wasn’t only incredibly thoughtful, but it let me call Nihlus’ family and give them the same courtesy. She’s emailed me several times in the week since to check in and called last night to make sure I was OK. 

Shepard didn’t have to do a damn bit of it for me, and it pisses me off that I couldn’t do enough for her or for Nihlus. 

“My focus is on justice now,” I tell her.

“I’d heard you were heading the investigation,” she responds, giving me a nod like that pleases her. 

“Trying.” The word comes out as more of a growl than I really intended. 

Shepard crosses her arms over her chest and sinks back into her left hip. It creates an insanely confident aura around her...not cocky, just assured. I like it. “I know you really want to catch the bastard, Vakarian.” She motions with her head in the direction that Pallin just marched off in, clearly interpreting the situation correctly. 

“Damn right. Saren is hiding something. I couldn’t find enough evidence in time, and he’s a Spectre, so everything he touches is classified.” Her face tightens so slightly I’m not sure anyone else could catch it, but that’s the benefit of being Turian. “He’s dirty, Shepard, I know it.” 

The words don’t feel right. Part of me hates talking about Saren this way. It’s the image I’ve created in my head of Nihlus dead that fuels me. 

“I think they’re ready for us, Commander,” the man behind her says. I give him a quick once over, his brown eyes hardening when they meet mine. I don’t need more than a glance to know for certain that he wants a piece of Shepard. 

Shepard sighs hard and nods briefly to him. “I should get this over with.” 

“Good luck. Maybe they’ll listen to you.” The look that she gives me suggests that she knows just as well as I do that the Council isn’t going to believe a thing she has to say about what happened. 

“Can I call you after and let you know how it went?” 

That makes me smile. “You mean, can you call me after and check up on me?” She gives a short laugh but doesn’t deny it, and I wouldn’t turn her down anyway. “Of course, yeah. Please do.” 

Shepard smiles and tightens in preparation to walk away. I can see the wheels turning in her head, and then very suddenly she’s closed the distance between us. My heart thuds almost painfully when her soft little hand rests on the center of my chest, and I swear I can feel the touch right down to my plates even through my armor. 

I cover her hand with mine, mostly as a way to anchor myself when Shepard has made me feel intensely vulnerable...in public. 

“We’re going to get him, Garrus. I need you to trust me on that, OK?” 

I know I have to behave differently with Shepard the soldier than the civilian, especially in front of her crew, but this thing for Nihlus is personal for both of us. Whether or not I respect her, it’s the fact that she’s so concerned for me that threatens to overwhelm me. “I trust you, Elle.” 

Part of me expects reproach for using her first name, and the woman behind her has to force a cough to cover up the sound of shock she makes. The man just turns red. Shepard’s eyes never leave mine as her smile returns, and she nods. I drop my hand when she moves, and she pounds the side of her fist lightly against my chest before her hand falls as well. 

I stay there to watch the three of them go, Shepard immediately focused again while her teammates can’t help glancing back at me over their shoulders. I’m sure they’re trying to figure out what the hell makes her care so much about a Turian - and whether that Turian in question is Nihlus or me, I’m wondering the same damn thing. 

I know one thing for sure: Shepard is right, and we’re going to get Saren. 

And I’m not going to sit on my hands while it happens. 

Just moments, barely a few minutes, with Garrus goddamn Vakarian, and I’m shaken. 

I have no idea how someone who is virtually a stranger has had such an impact on me. Seeing Nihlus dead was horrible, but I was immediately more heartbroken for Garrus. It wasn’t regulation or even really appropriate to tell him myself, but I never stopped to give that a second thought. My only concern that day, in the week since, and primarily today is how Garrus would handle the death of his best friend. 

I felt relief when I heard he was running the investigation with C-Sec and was sure to give him my statement about Saren and the Geth. Not only did Garrus’ leadership mean someone capable and dedicated was in charge, but it meant Garrus could keep busy. I know firsthand how important that is when you’re broken. 

All of my relief disappeared today when I learned he’s been stonewalled at every turn. And not just because it doesn’t bode well for my meeting with the Council. 

The way Ambassador Udina is yelling when I approach the Council doesn’t bode well for me either. 

“This is an outrage,” the short and balding man I have heard nothing good about shouts as I walk onto the platform to join him and Captain Anderson. “The Council would step in if the Geth attacked a Turian colony.” 

The Salarian Councilor, Valern, doesn’t even blink before he responds cooly, “Turians don’t form colonies on the borders of the Terminus Systems, Ambassador.” 

Councilor Tevos, an elegant-looking Asari, chimes in, “Humanity knew the risks when you went into the Traverse.” 

Anderson catches my eye, and I have to fight off a smile at the disdainful look he gives me. 

“What about Saren?” Udina snaps, still shouting. 

I cast my eyes up at the larger-than-life hologram of Saren looming over us. He doesn’t look particularly interested in being here, and since he’s not watching me, I take in his form while Udina continues to rant. His fringe and mandibles are much longer than Garrus,’ extending way back past his face. He looks far more menacing than either Nihlus or Garrus - definitely not as handsome - though I wonder if my opinion on him as a person is coloring that. 

“You can’t just ignore a rogue Spectre. I demand action!” Udina presses. 

I can almost hear a scoff from Councilor Sparatus, the Turian of the trio. “You don’t get to make demands of the Council, Ambassador.” 

I mostly zone out while Udina, Saren, and the Council go back and forth about whether they should be concerned with a Geth attack and if there is anything proving Saren killed Nihlus. They keep referring to him as “the other Turian,” and it takes everything for me not to tell them off. It gets worse when Saren calls Nihlus his friend. 

I’m forced to listen when Saren draws me into the conversation. “Captain Anderson. And this must be your protege, Commander Shepard. The girl who let the beacon get destroyed.” 

I don’t miss that he chose the word ‘girl’ instead of referring to me as a soldier or even a woman. It makes me hate him even more. “The mission to Eden Prime was Top Secret,” I remind them all. “The only way you could know about the beacon is if you were there.” 

“With Nihlus dead, his files passed on to me,” Saren replies cooly, none of the pain in his voice I’d expect if Nihlus had actually been his friend. None of the devastation I heard in Garrus’ voice. “I read the Eden Prime report. I was unimpressed, but...what can we really expect from a human?” 

I see red and barely contain myself from shouting, though I point up at the hologram when I snap, “Saren despises humanity. That’s why he attacked Eden Prime.” 

Saren scoffs and glares down at me. “Your species needs to learn its place, Shepard. You’re not ready to join the Council. You’re not even ready to join the Spectres.” 

“He has no right to say that!” Udina all but screams. “That is not his decision.” 

“Shepard’s admission into the Spectres is not the purpose of this meeting.” The Asari Councilor might finally be reprimanding Saren for something, but she doesn’t even have the courage to look up at him.

“This meeting has no purpose,” Saren argues. “The humans are wasting your time, Councilors. And mine.” 

I can feel the dismissal coming, almost able to see this whole thing slipping right through my fingers. I’m standing here failing Nihlus, failing Garrus, failing all of humanity if this does, in fact, hurt my chances of getting into the Spectres.

Damn it, I do not fail. 

“Saren is hiding behind his position as Spectre. You need to open your eyes.” 

“What we need is evidence,” Valern argues. “So far, we have seen nothing.” 

Captain Anderson steps forward. “There is still one outstanding issue: Commander Shepard’s vision. It may have been triggered by the beacon.” I fight not to shudder at the memory of the vision, one I’ve had to repeat in my nightmares several times since then.

“Are we allowing dreams into evidence now?” Saren demands clearly faking his ire. “How can I defend my innocence against this kind of testimony?”

Councilor Sparatus nods and says, “Our judgment must be based on facts and evidence, not wild imaginings and reckless speculation. Do you have anything else to add, Commander Shepard?” 

I might have more if he didn’t sound done with me already. “You’ve made your decision. I won’t waste my breath.” 

We wait barely seconds while the Asari and Turian Councilors exchange a glance. “The Council has found no evidence of any connection between Saren and the Geth. Ambassador, your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied.” 

“I’m glad to see justice was served,” Saren says smugly. 

“This meeting is adjourned.” The words are barely out of the Asari Councilor’s mouth when the hologram for Saren shuts down, and the Councilors start to turn away from us. 

I follow Anderson and Udina back off the platform, Kaidan and Ashley watching us with crestfallen expressions. They can go ahead and forget being sad; I am not done. 

“Every colony we have is at risk,” Anderson presses as we gather at the base of the stairs, also apparently not done. I can’t help scanning the area for Garrus, but he’s gone, and I wish that didn’t bother me so much. “Every world we control is in danger. Even Earth isn’t safe.” 

“The Council isn’t going to help us. We need to deal with Saren ourselves,” I urge him. He nods firmly, and that eases me a little, knowing he’s on my side. 

Udina crosses his arms and shakes his head slowly. “As a Spectre, he’s virtually untouchable. We need to find some way to expose him.” 

“Garrus.” The word is out of my mouth before I even realize the thought crossed my mind, the other four all staring at me. “The C-Sec Investigator who ran the case, Garrus Vakarian. He didn’t seem happy with the way his investigation was forced to end.” 

“That’s right!” Ashley chimes in eagerly. “He was asking for more time to finish his report. It seemed like he was close to finding something on Saren.” 

I make a mental note to thank her later. At least with another member of my team on board, I don’t look weird or desperate going to find a Turian cop. 

“I have a contact in C-Sec who can help us track him down,” Udina offers. I’m not about to tell them all that I have Garrus’ Omni-Tool contact. That will raise questions I just do not need to deal with today. “His name is Harkin.” 

Anderson scoffs. “Forget it. They suspended Harkin last month for drinking on the job. I won’t waste my time with that loser.” 

Udina turns to face the Captain. “You won’t have to. I don’t want the Council using your history with Saren as an excuse to ignore anything we turn up. Shepard will handle this.” 

It feels like a smack across the face, and I scowl at the Ambassador. Just from stories, he’s always irked me, but now I could hit him. “You can’t just cut Captain Anderson out of this investigation.” 

“No, Shepard, the Ambassador is right. I need to step aside,” Anderson assures me. I can see in his eyes that he’s genuine, but I still don’t love the idea of kicking my mentor and Captain off the team. I’ve also never had command of a ship before, only on missions - even if they were big ones. I wouldn’t dare argue with him though, so I drop it for now and just nod. 

“I need to take care of some business,” Udina announces. “Captain, meet me in my office when you’re done here.” Without bothering to say a word to me or my squad, he marches off. 

Now I really don’t like that self-important little prick. 

Anderson is right back on track. “Harkin is probably getting drunk at Chora’s Den, in the lower wards.” 

“Captain.” I take his arm and pull him aside, leaving Kaidan and Ashley waiting. I catch his brown-eyed gaze, one intensely familiar to me. “Are you sure you’re OK with this? It feels weird.” 

He smiles. “I appreciate the concern, Elle. There are other things to keep me busy, and I’m all too happy to give you a real shot. I know you’ve got it in you.” Anderson moves to hug me, and I don’t resist it, taking the opportunity to settle myself. “Be cautious with Harkin,” he advises when he takes a step back. “And be careful with Saren.” 

“Aye, Captain.” The moment he’s gone, I’m itching to call Garrus - even if it’s just to see him again. I pull his information up on my Omni-Tool and try to call him, dismayed when I find that his Tool has been shut off. “Damn it. Alright. I guess we’re off to talk to the drunk cop.” 

This promises to be fun. I just have to hope I don’t screw it all up.

The moment I enter Chora’s Den, I hate it. 

The air is pungent with stale alcohol, smoke, and something else that I don’t want to think about while the music pumps so loudly I can barely think. I hear Ashley clear her throat uncomfortably and then mutter to Kaidan that he should stop staring at the strippers, which he doesn’t deny, as we make our way past the bar. I inwardly curse Garrus again for not answering his Omni-Tool, so I’m forced to deal with this place and a suspended C-Sec officer. 

It also makes me worried about Garrus, but I’m trying not to think about that. 

Harkin is sitting at a table at the back of the club that looks inconspicuous enough, but any soldier could tell you that he’s got the best view in the house. The ass of every dancer is visible from where he’s sitting. I know immediately that I hate him just as much as the club, and the smirk that appears among the wrinkles on his face as we approach only solidifies that. 

“Hey there, sweetheart,” he calls to me, slouching further in his chair to drape one arm over the back. I imagine the pose is supposed to be sexy. 

It might have more of a positive effect if he weren’t slurring his words and leering at me. Who doesn’t love a creepy old drunk? 

“You looking for some fun?” Harkin continues boldly. “‘Cause I gotta say, that soldier get-up looks real good on that body of yours.” He looks me over, obviously undressing me in his head, and I have to fight the urge to shudder or gag. “Why don’t you sit your sweet little ass down here next to me, and we’ll have a drink? See where this goes?”

As badly as I want to punch him, I want to find Garrus more. Still, that doesn’t mean I have to be nice to this prick. “I’d rather drunk a cup of acid after chewing on a razor blade,” I inform him, keeping a super sweet smile on my face. 

“You trying to hurt my feelings?” he asks with a casual laugh. “You’re gonna have to do better than that, Princess. After twenty years with C-Sec, I’ve been called every name in the book.” 

I laugh as well, mocking his casual tone, and step a little closer, so I don’t attract the attention of the Krogan bouncers nearby. “Call me ‘Princess’ again, and you’ll be picking your teeth up off the floor. Now tell me where I can find Garrus Vakarian so that we can both move on with our lives.” 

“Sheesh, OK, OK!” His hands go up in a sign for surrender, and the movement nearly knocks him out of the chair before he catches himself. My eyes roll toward the ceiling, but he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. Probably both. “Garrus, huh? That bastard always has pretty girls running around after him. Don’t know what you all see in the big dinosaur. He must be hung like a horse.” 

“He is.” 

The shock on Harkin’s face is worth it even if Kaidan’s scandalized gasp from behind me assures that finding Garrus is going to be awkward now. It doesn’t change how much incentive I have. 

“Just tell me where he is,” I press, really uninterested in sharing another moment with this disgusting excuse for a cop and a man. 

He sighs as if I’m a burden. “Garrus was sniffing around Dr. Michel’s office. She’s a hot little number too, runs the Med Clinic on the other side of the Wards. Last I heard, he was going back there.” 

If Harkin was trying to make me jealous by mentioning that the doctor is hot...it worked. 

I cross my arms over my chest and, before I can help myself, I snap at him. “See? That wasn’t so hard. Now, why don’t you clean up and get your sorry ass back to work?”

“What work? That bastard Pallin suspended me - without pay!” He spits on the floor, and I hear Kaidan gag from behind me. “C-Sec had some kind of file on me. Every little thing - get rough with a suspect, have a couple drinks on the job...it all went into the file!” 

Ashley laughs, and I nearly join her. “You got off easy, Harkin.” 

“What the hell do you know? Working for C-Sec is nothing like being a Marine,” he whines, slurring his words and swaying in the chair. “Investigations, inquiries, rules, regulations. Every day I plow through enough red tape to choke a Krogan. So don’t talk to me about right and wrong, You,” he says, pointing at me. “You soldiers have it easy.” 

“You need to look in a mirror, Harkin,” I retort, pointing a finger right back at him. I’ve got what I need from this scumbag, and I’m done being nice. “Sober up and take some responsibility for yourself.” 

“Save your sermon. This ain’t no church!” Harkin waves his arm in a dismissive manner but does it too dramatically for his own good and nearly falls from the chair again. He’s in no state to take good advice when he hears it, and this day has gone well beyond awful, so I spin on my heel and get the hell out of the damn bar. I’m not sure I’ll ever get this smell off me. 

I consider it a stroke of luck that the Medical Ward is nearby. “Dr. Chloe Michel,” Ashley reads from a datapad on the little bit of information we have on her. “Human.” 

I narrow my eyes even though she’s behind me, unsure why she felt the need to add species. Anderson asked for my opinion, and I opted to keep Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on the Normandy after we saved her ass on Eden Prime because she proved herself in battle that day...and because I know what it feels like to be the last surviving member of your squad. 

Still, there is no such thing as an indispensable asset. I don’t need to make the day weirder or worse by confronting her about what sounds like xenophobia, though. I ignore it for now and pause long enough for the doors to the Medical Ward to whoosh open in front of me. 

The scene inside freezes, allowing me ample time to take it all in, but I only need a split second. One, two...four thugs, armed. Human woman, a doctor judging by her outfit, crying and trying to push away from one of them. Garrus Vakarian is...wait, what? He came ready for action in blue and silver armor - and he looks pretty damn good doing it. 

As the scene moves into real-time, my assault rifle comes smoothly into my hand. 

“Don’t move.” I’m giving the command before I even mean to, my brain already moving three steps ahead and calculating how many guns are about to be pointing in each direction. The doctor is the objective; I need her safe to get the information she has on Saren, to learn whatever lead Garrus was following up on with her. 

One of the thugs moves, yanking the doctor into his chest and leveling his gun at me. Before I could even begin to register taking a shot, I watch the man’s eyes go wide and then blank in the instant a bullet pierces his forehead. 

I sprint through the room and place my hand on the counter to vault over it, grabbing Dr. Michel as I land and pulling her with me behind a stack of medical crates. “Your six, Shepard!” Garrus calls. 

Without looking first - just trusting him - I whirl and fire a few rounds into the asshole who was prepared to shoot me in the back. A couple of shotgun blasts, two quick rifle pops, and then...silence. I stand and find Kaidan and Ashley still looking shell-shocked at the door while Garrus casually pops his heat sink after having taken out all three of his targets with one headshot each. 

Damn, he wasn’t kidding about being a sniper. 

“Perfect timing, Shepard,” Garrus notes. “You gave me a clear shot at that bastard.” 

“You took him down clean, but that was a pretty big risk.” I cross my arms over my chest and motion toward the doctor. “There was an innocent hostage right there.” 

I set my shoulders, prepared for Garrus to take the route that most human men would and assure me of his talents. Instead, Garrus shakes his head like he hadn’t thought about the consequences since he knew he’d make the shot. “There wasn’t time, I...damn. Dr. Michel, are you hurt?” 

“No, no, Garrus, I’m fine. Thanks to you. Both of you.” She includes me, but the pretty doctor with the even prettier accent rests a hand on Garrus’ forearm, betraying a familiarity. Harkin’s suggestion about girls chasing Garrus runs through my head. He doesn’t even seem to notice the touch, so I wonder if it’s not just that the doctor is hoping to get familiar with him. 

And who can blame her? 

I shake my head and focus. 

Once we promise Dr. Michel that we can protect her, she tells us everything she knows about a Quarian girl who came here to be treated for a gunshot wound - a Quarian girl who has information that can connect Saren to the Geth. She gives me a lead to some local crime boss named Fist who runs Chora’s Den and is rumored to be in trouble with the Shadow Broker. He’s hired a Krogan mercenary Garrus knows called Wrex to take Fist out. 

I need to get to the guy before the infamous information broker has him dealt with, and I lose the only lead we’ve had on all this. 

I can see that Garrus is invigorated at the idea we might be onto evidence - real, solid evidence that I can shove right down that condescending Salarian Councilor’s throat. It doesn’t surprise me at all when he stops me from leaving right away, but I’m definitely surprised at how badly I want to lean up on my toes and kiss him. 

It only gets worse when the Turian steps close enough that I have to tilt my head back to look up at him. Damn, I love how big he is. 

“This is your show, Shepard, but I want to catch Saren as badly as you do. Let me come with you.” 

It’s not a question, not a request. I don’t think he’s pushing because of the lines we’ve already crossed; it’s just that, like me, Garrus knows exactly how to dance the line to get what he wants. Instantly, my inclination is to accept the offer and work with him. I’m not going to find many people who can shoot like that, have sexy voices, and want to come play Chase the Rogue Spectre. 

Still, it’s a big consideration. Garrus works for C-Sec, clearly he’s a bit of a rogue himself, and...there’s our history. 

“I know you want justice for Nihlus,” I assure him. “But make me believe you want to bring Saren down.” It’s a challenge, and I watch the apex predator in front of me accept it. 

“Remember when I told you that I was recruited for Special Forces early? It was Saren who recruited me, and then he trained me as a sniper. I’ve always considered him my mentor and a friend.” I’m surprised by the news, but not the heat in his tone. “He and Nihlus were even closer, they worked together a lot. They even lived together for a while. And Saren shot him in the back, Shepard.” 

His voice breaks with emotion on that last bit, and so does my heart. “I know.” 

Bright blue eyes flash. “Saren betrayed the Council, he murdered my best friend, and he is a disgrace to my people.” I watch Garrus take a breath to calm himself as he started to get close to shouting. His pain makes me itch to comfort him. “I couldn’t prove what’s really going on. If I don’t get a chance to bring him down and Saren gets away with whatever he’s planning, that’s on my head. That’s my failure.” 

The kindred spirit I see in him excites and scares me all at once. I can tell that Garrus didn’t mean to sound so angry and maybe didn’t even want to say all that in front of our audience. I pretend to think it over even though I’m already sold in seeing what else he can do with that rifle. 

Besides, Nihlus would want this...he deserves it. 

Clear, sharp blue eyes never leave mine as he waits for my answer, but I never lose awareness of the way the air between us crackles with energy. It reminds me of my final concern. “You gonna be OK following my orders?” 

I watch him blink at me, the visor he’s wearing over one of his eyes quickly scrolling information I can’t read and don’t want to. I know that he understands what I’m really asking - can he respect me as his commanding officer regardless of our history? 

“Hell yes,” Garrus answers with confidence and a sexy as all hell smirk. “So long as you can keep up, kid.” 

“Ha!” The playful jab makes me feel entirely confident that Garrus will be a perfect addition to my team, especially after spending all day with the Alliance sap and stiff. “Welcome to the team, Vakarian. What do you say we nail this son of a bitch for Nihlus?” 

“Yes, ma’am. I’m on your six.” 

Damn, I like the sound of that. 

I strap my rifle to my back, now feeling reenergized myself. “Alright, Alenko, head back to the ship. I don’t need to attract a bunch of attention with a big team.” 

Big brown eyes blink twice at me like Kaidan needs to decide if he heard me correctly. “You’re...dismissing me, ma’am?” he asks. 

“I am, yes, but I’m not killing your dog, so get that look off your face. Plenty of fights to be a part of later.” This time, Kaidan pulls himself together and gives me a respectful salute before turning and leaving us there. “Officer Garrus Vakarian, this is Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. Ash, meet Garrus. He’s an old friend.” 

“I can see that,” she mutters under her breath.

Garrus extends a hand to her, but Ashley just nods to him and then turns her body away, angling toward me to wait for her next orders. I feel heat bloom in my chest, and part of me wants to rip into her for being an ass, but Garrus’ soft chuckle, clearly not offended, settles me. I nod to him so that the Turian knows I didn’t miss what happened, but he just shrugs it off. 

I wonder if anything actually gets the sniper totally riled up...other than Saren. I can’t help but wonder how much fun it would be to find out what it takes.

I shake that off and give the command for them to follow me out. We have work to do, and I get right to it by having Garrus lead us to the C-Sec officers where Wrex is being held. It seems like we get there just in time; the massive, grizzled Krogan appears to be squaring off to a human C-Sec officer. “Witnesses saw you making threats in Fist’s bar,” the officer is saying. “Stay away from him.” 

“I don’t take orders from you,” Wrex informs him simply. 

“This is your only warning, Wrex.” 

The Krogan leans in closer to the human; to his credit, the human doesn’t back down. “You should warn Fist. I will kill him.” 

“I’ve got this, Carl,” Garrus says, smoothly stepping in front of me. I’d just been wondering how I could make C-Sec give me the murderous Krogan, but it looks like my Turian is solving the problem for me. 

Stop that. He is not yours.

The officer seems all too happy to leave Garrus to deal with Wrex. “You’ve been back on the station for like four minutes, and you’re already causing problems, huh?”

“Someone needs to keep you in shape, Vakarian,” the other massive alien teases him. They greet each other like old friends, grasping one another’s forearms, and then the Krogan pulls Garrus in to pat his back. “I’d love to catch up, pretty boy, but I have a job.” 

“Yeah, but this time we have the same job, Battle Turtle.” Garrus wraps an arm around Wrex’s massive carapace, reminding me again just how massive he is when standing beside a three-ton Krogan doesn’t make him look tiny. “Wrex, this is Commander Shepard. She’s leading an investigation against Saren on behalf of the Alliance.” 

Wrex grunts at that but accepts my forearm when I extend my hand toward him. “We’re going after Fist and heard that you might want to come along,” I offer. 

“Shepard,” Wrex repeats, his voice low and gravely. He says it like he’s recognized my name. “We’re both warriors, Shepard. So out of respect, I’ll give you fair warning: I’m going to kill Fist.” 

“Fist knows you’re coming. We’ll have a better chance if we all work together,” Garrus tells him. 

Wrex considers that for a moment, staring at Garrus before he turns back to me. “My people have a saying. Seek the enemy of your enemy, and you will find a friend.” 

“Then we’re bound to be friends, Wrex. Glad to have you on the team.” 

I can almost smell the utter disdain from Ashley; if she were standing any further away, she’d be back in the elevator. 

Wrex, however, seems confident. “Let’s go. I hate to keep Fist waiting.” 

With that, he starts marching away, and we all pause for a minute to watch him go, the C-Sec officers in his path moving quickly and trying to pretend they aren’t practically running from him. 

“Nice work, Vakarian,” I offer, grateful that he could make the C-Sec transition smooth and get the Krogan on our squad. 

“No problem, Shepard. Some advice?” I nod, and the Turian smirks at me. “Always take Wrex at his word. He will kill Fist before you can question him if he gets there first.”


	3. Ground Rules

Commander Elle Shepard has got to be the sexiest woman in the galaxy. I can’t keep my eyes off of her, Spirits damn me. 

It’s not until I realize that she keeps glancing at me too while we fight through Fist’s thugs in Chora’s Den that I manage to focus on the battle...and even then, it’s mostly because I’m not above trying to impress her. It helps a little that the thugs give us a good fight. They’ve already got every possible vantage point in the club when we arrive, so it’s like walking through a funnel of gunfire. 

I take a little extra pleasure in shooting down the asshole who thought he was smart and positioned himself on the light fixtures above the bar. 

“You know, I think it actually looks better this way,” Williams - the human woman on Shepard’s squad who wouldn’t shake my hand - quips about the seedy club once it’s wrecked and covered in dead mercenaries. I hate that it’s funny when she’s been so rude. 

We press on through the back door into Fist’s office, taking out a few more thugs on the way. Through the next set of doors, we’re all stopped short by the presence of two more people inside. They’re armed, but instead of just opening fire, like everyone else has, one of them shouts, “Stop right there! Don’t come any closer!” 

Shepard catches my eye and frowns a little, sensing the same thing - these guys aren’t mercs, just civilians with guns. I know at a glance that Shepard doesn’t want to shoot them, but we need to get past them and can’t waste a lot of time. 

“On your six,” I promise her, giving a nod. I lean around the wall and take aim so that with one bullet, I could end both of them. Even with the shot prepared, I’m still surprised by how confidently Shepard strides into the room with her hands raised, unarmed. 

“See that Turian? Yeah, he doesn’t miss,” she informs the two human men inside, nothing in her voice suggesting she believes that is anything other than absolute fact. These guys aren’t even wearing armor, and I’m pretty sure one is missing a heat sink on his rifle, so I’m not surprised they look damn scared now. “Do you two really wanna do this?”

I watch them exchange a glance through my scope, still prepared to take a shot if one of them so much as looks at the redheaded Commander wrong. It’s unnecessary since they evidently have more than half a brain between them and take off, muttering about Fist not paying them enough.

Shepard turns back to us and winks at me before arming herself again and motioning for all of us to follow her. Before she moves, she gives me an approving nod, and warmth blooms in my chest. 

I kind of hate how happy it makes me feel that she trusted me, like she’s proud of me now...and I don’t know why I care. 

“Oh, pretty boy,” Wrex chuckles, punching my shoulder as he walks past me. “You’re in big trouble.” I scowl at him, which only makes the Krogan laugh. 

Any happiness he’s feeling fades immediately when Fist’s voice rings out from the next room, apparently having taken cover in his office. “Why do I have to do everything myself?” the human shouts. “Time to die, little soldiers.” 

I hear a high-pitched whine I recognize all too well as Shepard starts to enter the room. I react purely on instinct, catching her around the waist and slamming her back into the wall. It’s just in time to keep the high-powered turrets from riddling her with bullets. 

“Son of a…” Shepard swears when she realizes that Fist is well defended and might have taken her out if I hadn’t heard that sound. “Shoot for the turrets, take them out. Without them, he’s down four to one, and a bitch like that always surrenders.” 

I glance at Wrex, wondering if he’ll obey the Commander or if I should worry that he’s a risk to her. 

“Gonna let me off the wall here, big guy?” Shepard teases, still pinned. She doesn’t seem to mind if the light in her eyes is any sign. 

“I’m kind of enjoying it,” I tease back even as I step away to let her move.

She smiles at me and then takes position at the edge of the wall. I watch as she turns to signal Williams, doing something with five dexterous fingers that I couldn’t manage. The other human understands, and with one more signal from Shepard, the brown-haired human rolls forward and lands behind the couch a few feet in front of us. 

Positioned where she wants us, Shepard gives the command, and we all start firing on the turrets. Wrex is either obeying or agrees that this is the right plan, and with our combined firepower, we’re able to take out the turrets pretty quickly. 

Again, Shepard’s instincts were spot on, and without his defense, Fist gives up. He starts pleading immediately, scrambling out from behind his desk and falling right to his ass. 

“Wait! Don’t kill me, please, I surrender!” 

Shepard marches up to him, and we follow; I keep my rifle ready just in case even when she draws a pistol which she aims right at his face. “Where’s the Quarian?” 

“She’s not here, I don’t know where she is!” Fist stammers. “That’s the truth.” 

Wrex ambles up beside her, standing on the opposite side of Shepard from me. Fist’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head when he realizes that Shepard isn’t just going to shoot him in the face but that she’s flanked by giant aliens. “He’s of no use to you now,” Wrex growls. “Let me kill him.” 

“No! No, wait, please!” Fist seems to at least have enough sense not to take that threat lightly. “I don’t know where the Quarian is, but I know how you might find her.” He takes a shaky breath, still not looking up at Shepard so that he doesn’t have to face the barrel of her gun directly. “The Quarian got here and said that she’d only deal with the Shadow Broker himself.” 

“Nobody meets the Shadow Broker,” I argue, not exactly an expert but well-versed enough to know.

“He’s right, it’s impossible,” Wrex chimes in. “Even I was hired through an agent.” 

“It’s true, I know that - even I don’t know his true identity,” Fist agrees. “But she didn’t know that. I told her I’d set up a meeting, but when she shows, it’ll be Saren’s men waiting for her.” 

My stomach twists at the idea of Saren working with this asshole, setting up an assassination for some innocent Quarian girl. 

Shepard puts her pistol on her hip - the wrong hip for her shooting hand, I note - and for a moment, I think she’s done. Then the human steps forward and grabs Fist by the collar, yanking the grown man right to his feet. My hands tighten around my rifle when he’s standing in front of her, wary of any moves he might make even while Shepard has a hold on him.

“Give me the location of the meeting. Now!” 

The way she terrifies this grown man turns me on more than a little. 

“Here, on the wards! Back alley by the markets.” Fist glances toward a console on the wall that displays the current Citadel time. “She’s supposed to be meeting them right now. You can still make it if you hurry.” He’s likely just trying to get us away as soon as possible, but we have to rush there anyway. 

I hate the idea of more blood on Saren’s hands.

Shepard no sooner releases Fist than a shotgun blast rings out, making me and Shepard jump while Williams swears loudly from behind us. Wrex casually pops his heat sink and stares down at where Fist lays in a puddle of crimson blood, his chest a mangled mess from the short-range blast. 

“What the hell are you doing?” I demand, furious he fired with Shepard so close.

“The Shadow Broker paid me to kill him. I don’t leave jobs unfinished.” I know the Krogan well enough to know he has a quad the size of an Elcor, but I wouldn’t have let him anywhere near Shepard if I thought he was going to be trouble. “Besides...don’t we have something bigger to worry about?”

Before I can tell him off, Shepard turns toward the Krogan and shoves him boldly - hard enough that Wrex stumbles back, and the closest thing I’ve ever seen to shock passes over his grizzled features. 

“I am in charge here, and we do not kill unarmed hostages,” she informs him, voice hard. “You ever pull a stunt like that again, and I will shove that shotgun barrel down your throat. Are we clear?” 

I tense in the second that passes before Wrex speaks, prepared for just about anything. “It was the only contract I had left. I had to see it through.” 

Shepard seems to accept that, for now at least, and steps away from him again. It surprises me that she got so impassioned over the death of a mercenary, a criminal, instead of about her own safety. I’ve been in service, either the military or the police, for nearly half my life, so I’ve seen situations like this before. I know officers who would have approved of the shot Wrex took, others who wouldn’t, even some who would have taken the shot themselves. 

I start to wonder what I would do, how I’d feel if this was my squad and one of my men made the shot, but Wrex’s reminder runs through my mind. “Commander, the Quarian. We need to get to her, or she’s dead.” 

Shepard nods to me and gives the command to move out, Wrex sticking with us. 

We have to fight our way back out of the club, just like on the way in. I can’t help but wonder how Saren even got this many mercenaries to work for him. Spectres make a pretty nice salary, but I didn’t think they were this kind of loaded. 

Once they’re all dead, we’re in a race against time, and since I’m most familiar with the station, I lead the team toward the back alley Fist talked about. 

We slow down on approach, watching several people at the end of the alley, and wait behind some crates where we can listen. 

The Quarian is there, along with a Turian and multiple others. “Did you bring it?” the Turian asks. 

“No clan markings?” Shepard breathes from her hiding spot beside me, also seeing the Turian. 

“Barefaced. Our worst criminals and traitors are stripped of their clan markings so they can’t live, work, or be buried on Palaven,” I tell her. My throat gets tight when I finish, “If he goes back, Saren will be stripped of his marks.” 

I can feel Shepard’s eyes on me, and I don’t want to see her pity, so I focus on the scene in front of us instead. 

“Where’s the Shadow Broker? Where’s Fist?” the Quarian demands, her accent lilting and her voice suggesting that she’s pretty damn young - and pretty damn bold. 

The Turian saunters up to her and raises one hand, running it suggestively down the hood of the Quarian’s uniform and to her shoulder. “They’ll be here,” he lies, subtones announcing his arousal loud and clear. At least to me. “Where’s the evidence?”

The Quarian smacks his hand away. She’s definitely brave for something even smaller than Shepard. “No way. The deal’s off.” 

On her word, the armored Salarians who have just been guarding the space until now turn toward the Quarian with their weapons raised. Before we can move to defend her, she does something on her Omni-Tool that sets off a ringing blast and launches all of them several feet away from her. With the distraction she provided, it takes just seconds for us to eliminate all of them. 

When it’s over, the Quarian kicks the dead Turian in the face and swears in a language that my translator doesn’t pick up. “Fist set me up!” she shouts indignantly, to no one in particular. I’m fairly certain she would have shouted it even if we weren’t standing here. “I knew I couldn’t trust him.” 

“Were you hurt?” I can see my surprise reflected on Williams and Wrex, even the Quarian turning around so quickly I assume she’s shocked. Shepard seems genuinely concerned about this stranger instead of just worried about the evidence she needs so badly. 

My stomach knots in shame, knowing immediately that my concern has been selfish. She’s a much better person than I am. 

“I know how to look after myself,” the Quarian informs her. She softens almost immediately and lowers her head a bit to add, “Not that I don’t appreciate the help. Who are you?”

“Commander Shepard.” They grasp forearms in greeting. “I’m looking for evidence to prove that Saren is a traitor and get him disbarred from the Spectres.” 

“Then I have a chance to repay you for saving my life...but not here. I don’t feel safe.” No one could blame her for that. 

“We can take her to the human Embassy,” I suggest. “Your Ambassador is going to want to see the evidence anyway.” Shepard agrees and asks the Quarian to come with us so everyone heads for the end of the alley where we can grab a rapid transit. 

Shepard glances at me before she slows, and I follow suit so that we get some distance from the group. It’s the first bit of privacy we’ve had all day, even if it’s not actually private. 

“I’m kind of hoping I’m not the only of us thinking about the last time we were in a rapid transit,” she says softly, walking close enough now that her armor is brushing mine with a soft clang of metal. 

“Spirits, Shepard. You know, I try not to think about things that are going to make my armor tight in really bad places,” I groan at her, honestly trying to manage my insta-erection without outright grabbing my crotch. It’s just as much the memory of our last ride in a rapid transit as it is the fact that she remembers that turns me on. 

Shepard laughs, seemingly oblivious to my pain even if I’d love to show her. I catch her hand for just a second and squeeze. “Maybe when we’re done here, we could recreate that.” 

“Maybe.” I don’t have a chance to push my luck further than that when we escape the alley and have to join the others to get a skycar. 

I’m definitely going to push it later. I thought I was attracted to her before, that Shepard turned me on in the club. But seeing her in battle? Damn. 

Wrex was right. I am so screwed. 

Ambassador Udina is a vile little man. I’ve spent maybe an hour with him today today and I detest him. I’m not sure what I expected when bringing him the evidence that he sent me looking for, but being scolded was definitely not it. 

“You are not making my life easy today, Shepard,” he informs me as soon as we walk through the doors, shaking his head with his back to us. 

He hasn’t actually bothered to look at us since I led my squad in here. 

“Firefights in the halls, an all-out assault on Chora’s Den.” 

“I would argue it was an assault on us,” I hear Garrus mutter softly from beside me. I have to bite my tongue to keep from letting out a very rude snort of laughter. 

Udina finally starts to turn to grace us with eye contact while he continues, “Do you know how many - “ He stops short at the sites of the mixed species squad standing in his office. “What is all this? What are you up to now, Shepard?”

“I’m making your day, Ambassador,” I inform him. Anderson looks curious now and approaches, standing beside Udina instead of intentionally keeping his distance. I motion to the Quarian and tell him, “She has the information we need to link Saren to the Geth.” 

“Really? Maybe you’d better start at the beginning, Miss…?” 

The Quarian girl who held her own against a squad of Saren’s hitmen steps forward, still just as confident. I like her. 

“My name is Tali. Tali’Zorah nar Rayya.” She goes on to explain that she’s on a pilgrimage, the traditional rite of passage for her people when they reach adulthood. The goal is to find something of value they can bring back to the Migrant Fleet’s flotilla of ships. I wish I could ask her more about it but I know we need to focus. 

“During my travels, I began hearing reports of Geth,” Tali explains. “Since they drove my people into exile, the Geth have never ventured behind veil. Curious, I tracked a patrol of Geth to an uncharted world, waited for one to get separated from its unit, and disabled it to remove its memory core.” 

“Wow.” I try not to feel jealous at Garrus clearly being just as impressed by the woman as I am. He shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear his thoughts, and then notes, “I thought Geth fried their memory cores when they died. A defense mechanism.” 

I can almost see the nerd gears turning in his head and make a note to tease him for it later. 

“My people created the Geth,” Tali reminds him with a casual shrug. “If you’re quick, careful, and...well, lucky, you can grab small caches of data. I managed to get something from its audio banks.” She looks to me from behind a mask that prevents me from seeing her face, which I hate. 

I give her a nod and she uses her Omni-Tool to pull up the recording. I recognize Saren’s voice immediately. “Eden Prime was a major victory. The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit.” 

“That’s Saren’s voice!” Anderson confirms, his tone excited. “This proves he was involved in the attack.” 

Garrus, on the other hand, turns away from all of us and takes a few steps away. I itch to go to him, comfort him. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to hear a friend call the day that he murdered your best friend a victory. 

If it were me, I would have been holding onto some small measure of hope...and that was just crushed for him. 

And I have to pay attention to things other than Garrus. 

“He said Eden Prime brought him closer to the Conduit. Any idea what that means?” I ask the room. 

“The Conduit must have something to do with the beacon,” Anderson surmises. “Maybe some kind of Prothean technology. Considering what’s happened so far, we can’t rule it out as a weapon.” 

“Wait, there’s more,” Tali tells us. “Saren wasn’t working alone.” 

She plays the rest of the recording and after Saren, a woman speaks. “And one step closer to the return of the Reapers.” 

“I don’t recognize the other voice,” Garrus tells us. I wonder if the others in the room can tell how torn, how hurt he looks right now. 

“The Reapers?” Udina responds. “Are they some kind of new alien species?”

Tali shakes her head and then drops the biggest bomb yet, still going through the information on her Omni-Tool. “According to the memory core, the Reapers were a hyper-advanced machine race that existed fifty thousand years ago. They hunted the Protheans to total extinction and then they vanished.” She shrugs one shoulder and adds, “At least that’s what the Geth believe.” 

As she speaks, I feel all the pieces start to click together in my head...everything that I saw when the beacon grabbed me on Eden Prime. It’s all there. 

“It sounds a little far-fetched,” Udina mutters, but I only half hear him. 

“I understand it now,” I tell them. “The vision on Eden Prime. I was seeing the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers.” I can feel Garrus watching me closely and I recall he was concerned about the vision when I told him. Of course, I think that was mostly because it made me pass out. 

“The Geth revere the Reapers as gods,” Tali tells us. “The pinnacle of non-organic life. And they believe that Saren knows how to bring the Reapers back.” 

There’s pindrop silence for a moment and it hits me that all this actually makes sense. It’s the only way to explain how Saren got the Geth to come out from behind the veil and to fight on his side. 

And it’s seriously bad news for all of us. 

Udina scowls and crosses his arms, managing to look even more sour than normal. “The Council is just going to love this.” 

I scowl back at him, pretty much done with the little asshole and his obsession with human reputation. “The Reapers are a threat to every species in Citadel space. We have to tell them.” 

“No matter what they think about the rest of this, those audio files prove Saren is a traitor,” Garrus reminds us. “They’ll have to throw him off the Spectres which limits his power a lot.” 

“Your Turian is right.” I force myself not to respond viscerally to the suggestion from the human Ambassador that Garrus Vakarian is my Turian. “We need to present this to the Council right away.” 

Wrex motions to Tali and asks, “What about her? The Quarian?”

“My name is Tali,” she snaps back at the Krogan. She turns to look back at me. “You saw me in the alley, Commander. You know what I can do. Let me come with you to take down Saren, to bring down the Geth.” 

I’m immediately intrigued, but I can’t let her knows that right away. “I thought you were on your pilgrimage. Shouldn’t that be your focus?”

“The pilgrimage proves we are willing to give of ourselves for the greater good. What does it say about me if I turn my back on this? Saren and the Geth are a danger to the whole galaxy, every species - like you said. My pilgrimage can wait.” 

The Quarian’s impassioned tone makes me smile and I hold out my hand. “I’ll take all the help I can get.” She accepts my hand and thanks me earnestly; something makes me think she’s beaming behind the mask. Tali tells us that she’ll meet us at the Presidium and then leaves, Anderson and Udina following her out to prepare for the Council meeting as well. 

I turn to the remaining three, taking a deep breath and counting down the minutes until I can sit down. Or get Garrus alone. “Listen, Ash, go ahead back to the Normandy. I want the crew well rested since this is clearly just the beginning.” 

“I...well, who are you going to bring with you, Commander?” Ashley asks in response, immediately floundering at her dismissal. “I shouldn’t leave you alone.” 

“I’m a big girl, thanks. And I have these two,” I tell her, motioning to Wrex and Garrus. The two men exchange a glance and look just as surprised as Ashley does. When the human continues to stare at me for another beat, I have to swallow my temper. “I don’t like to repeat myself, Williams.” 

“Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am.” She salutes me and then marches briskly from the room, not missing a chance to throw daggers in her glare at the two who get to stay. 

“Now that I have the weirdest squad on the Citadel...let’s go get Saren kicked out of the Spectres.” 

The second meeting with the Council ends up being the highlight of my day. In preparation and so that he could prepare his own defense, Saren was sent a copy of the evidence against him. It surprises no one at all when he doesn’t show up for the trial this time; the Council reports that they can no longer reach him at all and they have no idea where he is or where he’s going. 

That’s probably part of the reason they decide to make me a Spectre, but I don’t much care. I’m going to need credentials if I’m supposed to track down a rogue Spectre, stop the Geth, and figure out what the Reapers want. 

It doesn’t bode well for me that the Council doesn't want to hear a damn thing about the Reapers. They don’t even seem particularly concerned that Saren is working with Matriarch Benezia, a powerful Asari and the woman we heard on the voice recording that Tali has. At the very least, I get some leads and permission to do whatever it takes to stop Saren. 

It’s all the permission I need to leave this station and put an end to that asshole Turian. I’m going to kick him once extra just for calling me girl earlier today when I finally get a hold of him. With the Normandy under my command, I have what I need to make it happen. 

I leave the Council meeting with Wrex and Garrus, my thoughts already racing about what happens next. Wrex said that Fist was his last contract, so I’m well on my way to recruiting the Krogan for my squad. A badass like that with biotics and a shotgun is too hard to turn down. 

Garrus, however, leads in investigative unit for C-Sec here on the Citadel. It’s not like I have any right to ask him to leave his whole life and career here to run around the galaxy with me...no matter how badly I want to. As we reach the bottom of the stairs on the Presidium, I realize that I should probably figure out where Garrus stands on all this. 

“Hey, Wrex, will you head toward the docks and meet me at the Normandy?” I ask, stopping Garrus with a hand on his forearm. I swear I can feel how warm he is even through his armor and my gloves. “I, uh...we need a minute. Bay D-24.” 

The Krogan glances at us, his eye focused for a beat on where I’m touching Garrus, and then barks out a laugh before walking away. Garrus seems mildly amused by the reaction when I turn to face him. The sexy little smirk on his face does nothing to help clear my thoughts. 

“Commander Shepard?” 

I turn away from Garrus again at the sound of an unfamiliar man’s voice. I don’t recognize him but salute on instinct when I recognize his uniform and insignia that mark him as an Alliance Navy Admiral. I’m grateful Garrus has the good sense and respect to do the same beside me. 

“At ease. I’m Admiral Kohoku. Congratulations on your promotion, Shepard. We’ve all come to expect big things from you.” 

“Thank you, sir.” I drop my arm but keep my shoulders tight. 

“I need to ask you for a favor that requires someone with credentials that allow for...unique tactics,” Kahoku tells me. I’m intrigued right away and Garrus’ slight shift beside me signals that he’s listening. “A unit of my men has disappeared and I’m being stonewalled by Alliance command when I ask for details. They shouldn’t have been anywhere near danger and I’m concerned. I want to give closure to their families, Shepard.” 

“I understand,” I assure him with genuine empathy. I feel bile rising in my throat at the thought of Akuze, surrounded by my dead squad members and making a last ditch effort to collect their tags before the thresher maw killed me. I needed to give their families closure. “How can I help?”

“If I send you their last coordinates, will you investigate? I know that you’re busy - “ 

“It’s not a problem, sir. I’ll make it a priority and figure out what happened. The truth.” 

Garrus clears his throat like he’s unsure about interrupting but when Kahoku looks up at him, he says, “Barla Von is an agent for the Shadow Broker. When C-Sec needs leads that don’t exist, we go to him.” 

“I can start there. Will you introduce me?” If Garrus realizes that I’m excited about staying with him, he doesn’t show it and just gives me a nod in confirmation. Kahoku seems relieved already and thanks us before leaving.

“You have no idea how hard it was to stop myself from saying something entirely inappropriate about all the things I’d like to introduce you to in front of an Admiral,” Garrus announces at the same time that he starts walking away from me. 

“Hey, you can’t say something like that and leave!” I call, chasing him and laughing. I ignore the Salarian who scoffs at me because Garrus picked up his pace so that I’m forced to chase him. 

“How did you become a Spectre when you can barely walk?” 

“How did you become a cop when you’re so ugly it should be illegal?” 

His rich laugh echoes around the Presidium, attracking more than a little attention just as he ducks through the doors into the elevator. I have to practically dive through after him to avoid missing it. “Smooth, Elle.” 

“Solid excuse for using my first name, Vakarian.” 

“And now I’m using that as an excuse to kiss you.” 

I barely have time to process that he said it before Garrus sweeps me into his arms and up against his chest. He pauses, blue eyes blazing with a lust that calls to me. And it turns me on even more than he’s waiting for permission. 

I’ve been waiting for this all damn day.

I push onto my toes and kiss him first, well past any need for hesitation. Garrus kisses me like he absolutely couldn’t wait another second and his kiss is exactly how I remembered, his mouth warm and soft and his touch setting me on fire. I’ve never been more grateful that the Citadel elevators are unbearably slow; I don’t want this descent to end. 

Garrus groans with need and steps forward to slam my back into the wall, his hand flexing restlessly against my armored hips. I know that he wants to pick me up, to wrap my legs around his waist, and I hate how badly I want him to. 

“Any chance C-Sec taught you the code to stop this thing for a while?”

“I really might just rip the wires out of the panel,” he growls against my lips. The growl changes to something much more frustrated when we can feel the box slowing. 

Even still, we take our time parting. Garrus catches my bottom lip in his teeth, amazingly gentle for having such sharp teeth, and I can’t help a whimper. 

“So glad you’re back,” he breathes after finally releasing me. 

“So not ready to leave again,” I confess. 

He smiles a little and kisses me once more, far too briefly, before stepping away as the doors open. I can’t bring myself to make eye contact with the Asari standing on the other side as we dodge out of her way. 

If we weren’t wearing armor, I would probably do something really stupid and hold his hand again. 

I hold onto some self control instead and manage to walk like a professional with my squadmate across the Citadel and into the Finance District. “Is there like special protocol for talking to an agent of the Shadow Broker?”

“I’m sure that there is...in spy movies. You’re such a nerd, Shepard,” he teases in that carefree way that makes me feel just as carefree. 

“The guy calls himself an agent!” 

“He doesn’t call himself anything, actually. It’s supposed to be a secret, of sorts.” Garrus jerks one shoulder in a shrug. “Worst kept secret on the Citadel, but still. He’ll have what you need to help Admiral Kahoku.” 

Garrus is right and meeting Barla Von, while not nearly as exciting as I might have built it up in my mind, is very useful. The Volus is apparently pleased that we helped Wrex kill Fist since he hired the Krogan for the job in the first place; I choose not to tell him that I would have stopped Fist from being killed if I was given the option. 

Still, I’m promised an email with the real coordinates of where Kahoku’s men went down and I don’t ask how. 

“That went well. Maybe the first thing to go right all day!” 

Garrus laughs at me but can’t hide his discomfort...now that we actually have to part. The thought makes me feel kind of cold in my gut, erasing the butterflies I’ve had fluttering around gloriously since he kissed me on the elevator. 

Butterflies. I’m a grown ass woman, a decorated soldier, and now a Spectre. I don’t have any business getting butterflies over some guy. 

“So, what’s next for you Officer Vakarian?” I hate myself for saying it even when I know I have to. 

“Back to C-Sec in the morning.” Garrus doesn’t try to hide that he’s not happy about that in his voice. I can’t blame him; I might not have known the guy long, but I’ve learned enough to know that he’s not a rules and regulations kind of a Turian. “And you’re off to start trouble. Another Spectre with too much power.” 

I laugh and have to fist my hands to fight the urge to touch him. “You were pretty impressive today. We couldn’t have done this without you.” 

“Yeah, well, I told you. I’m good at what I do, Commander.” 

I know exactly what he’s doing, why he chose that phase. He’s made a reference to something he said during our one night stand to see if I’ll react. 

I couldn’t hide my reactions to him even if I wanted to, a fantastic heat blooming deep in my core. His response becomes just as obvious and a dangerous light sparks in his eyes before he asks, “When are you leaving?”

“First thing in the morning. And I’m an idiot, so...I didn’t schedule any shore leave.” 

I want to kick myself but Garrus keeps it together, takes a deep breath, and smiles when he nods. He’s not going to push me. 

He’s not going to push me? Well, that’s new. 

“Just don’t forget that we have a date planned on your next visit to the Citadel. And maybe don’t forget my Omni-Tool info this time.” 

I laugh easily, still amazed at how easy laughing with him really is. “I’ll be in touch, big guy. Behave.” 

“Absolutely not. Be safe, kid.” 

“Not my style.” 

I hold his gaze, impossibly blue eyes shimmering happily at me for a beat too long before I step forward and rap the side of my fist against his chest twice. Before I can talk myself out of it, I march away and head for the Normandy. 

We both have jobs. I have a mission. 

It’s not the right time to fall for gorgeous C-Sec officers who happen to be of a different species. No matter how badly I might want to. 

I’d give just about anything to be able to call Nihlus and tell him about today. 

He’d laugh at me for chasing around some human like a smitten fledgling. He would also be just as scared for Saren as I am, and he’d understand why that concern is so conflicting for me. Nihlus would get it. He always did, he was always…

I have to swallow hard around a lump in my throat. I refuse to break down and cry in the shower. I refuse to break down at all, instead finishing methodically. Leaving Shepard today only to return to my depressingly small apartment has been tough on me. It’s the worst I’ve felt since the day I heard Nihlus died. 

It’s bad enough that Shepard is heading out to do justice I can’t deliver, that I won’t see her again for Spirits know how long, and that Saren might get a shot at her. 

But Nihlus not being here is…

My Omni-Tools beeps softly with an alert that someone other than me opened the door to my apartment but I don’t need the warning when the soft woosh of the doors carries through the silent apartment and into the bathroom. I discard the shirt I’d been changing into and move quickly into the living area, unarmed but more than prepared to take the intruder on. 

The sight of a redhead with legs for days and incredible curves standing next to my couch nearly knocks the wind out of me. 

“Hey, you,” Shepard breathes, smiling sheepishly with her hands tucked into the pockets of a zip-up N7 sweatshirt. “I hope you don’t mind too much. And that I don’t look like a total creep. I realize that this is impulsive and maybe even rude, but I - “ 

I cross the room while she’s speaking and shut her up with my mouth on hers, taking advantage of her surprise to slip my tongue into her mouth. Shepard melts into me, her hands clinging to my neck while she kisses me back. 

I can’t believe she’s here, can’t believe she came back for me. 

Shepard lets me pull her body flush against mine and slip my hands under her jacket and shirt, already desperate to be in contact with more of her soft, warm skin. 

“I thought you didn’t schedule shore leave,” I manage to growl out around all the ridiculous panting while walking her backward to my couch. 

“I didn’t,” she responds, just as breathless. “What’s the fun of being in charge if you can’t break the rules sometimes?”

I laugh but the sound is lost in a moan when she pulls my mouth back to hers. This kissing thing is so much more than I expected...damn, she turns me on. I keep her close when I sit on the couch and pull her onto my lap, her knees straddling my thighs. 

Shepard pulls her mouth from mine and I melt when that soft tongue runs over my mandible. Clearly she was paying attention to the tour of my sensitive areas and I’m so very grateful. “Something is wrong,” she breathes. 

I freeze, my heart stuttering with fear, and pull my hands from her hips. “Am I hurting you?”

“Please, you’re not that tough,” she teases, pressing her hands into my chest as she sits up enough to look down at me. “Something is wrong with you. I know you think you’ve distracted me from noticing, but you’re wrong.” 

My stomach clenches again, this time in a bad way, and I drop my gaze from hers. It’s the first time that feeling naked in front of her hasn’t made me happy. 

“You don’t have to talk to me about it, Garrus. I don’t mean to intrude.” 

“No, no, it’s not you. I…” 

I look up at where she sits on top of me, flickering lights from the Citadel outside my window flashing neon colors over her skin and hair. My hands come to rest on her thighs and I absorb the kindness I can see in her eyes. The familiarity. Like we’re old friends. 

“Rough day,” I admit. It’s only most of the truth, but I think it’s simple enough that Shepard will probably accept it and move on. 

Instead, she smiles softly and takes my face in her hands. My heart skips when she angles my head up, exposing my throat. If she were Turian, the move would suggest that she wants me to submit and I’d have to show her just how not submissive I am. Part of me damn well wants to anyway. 

But she’s not Turian and from a human...I really don’t know how to respond. 

Her eyes are gentle, the green no longer blazing but soft. They still pierce right through me just as effectively. Something in her gaze tells me that this isn’t a challenge for dominance. It’s concern, caring. The way her thumbs graze down my jaw softly does more than it should to soothe the lingering ache inside me. 

“You said that Saren was a friend, too. I can’t imagine having to hunt down one friend to get justice for another.” 

“It’s not easy,” I admit, a harsh sounding laugh escaping me. “Saren was my mentor but Nihlus was my best friend, and I…” I scoff and shake my head, my hands flexing into her thighs as my agitation grows. “Knowing that I want Saren’s head for this, that he deserves to pay for what he did…” 

“It doesn’t make hearing all of these things about him any easier,” Shepard murmurs to finish when I trail off, nimble fingers still caressing my jaw line. “It doesn’t totally change who he was to you.” 

I nod but eye her cautiously. “I’m not sure how I feel about how well you read me, Shepard.” 

“Get used to it, Vakarian,” she breathes with a laugh. I lose my breath when she leans forward to kiss the end of one mandible and then the other gently. My eyes flutter closed when her breath gusts over my mouth. “I’m going to be doing it a lot.” 

“Is that so? I thought you were leaving.” 

I’m surprised I manage to make words at all with incredibly soft, warm mouth sucking on the end of my mandible. It’s an entirely foreign sensation, Turians incapable of sucking, but I’ll be damned if it’s not fantastic. It’s making my body tingle from the tip of my fringe straight down through my cock which is stirring to life with vigor. 

“I am,” she murmurs, moving to the other mandible and dragging her mouth across mine slowly on the way. I lean forward to catch her lips but she never lets me and I hate how much that bothers me, how badly I want to do something that should be totally foreign to me. 

That incredible tongue of hers slides slowly down the entire length of one mandible and I swear I can feel it as if she licked my dick. I shudder and grip her ass, reveling in the sound of her gasp when I tug her against my now emerged and very erect cock. “Stop teasing me. I don’t like it.” 

“You’re lying and your cock proves it.” 

I blink, surprised by her boldness, and she laughs at my reaction. I can’t let her keep all the advantage so I roll my hips up into her, feeling the heat of her body through her pants and wanting nothing more than to sink into her. 

Shepard’s head falls back on a moan and she rocks her hips into me, our bodies grinding slowly together like no one ever told us that we shouldn’t fit. It amazes me that this woman can move like an Asari dancer when I know that she’s probably the most capable soldier I’ve ever met. 

When she grinds down hard against my cock, I can’t help a growl. “Damn it.” My hips buck up into her without any permission from the brain in my head. “I want to cum inside you, Elle, not in my pants.” She gasps out my name in the most fantastic ways and I take it as permission, moving for the zipper on her jacket and yanking it down roughly. 

She finally kisses me, her mouth frantic and rough against mine. I match her pace and have no problem matching her level of need, more desperate by the moment as we strip one another. When she’s naked and back in my lap, I take the opportunity to explore. 

“You’re even more sensitive tonight.” I wonder if I could make her cum just by playing with her breasts as she moans and gasps loudly. “You’ve been thinking about this all day, haven’t you?”

“Garrus,” she whispers. “Yes.”

“Thinking about me touching you, licking you. Thinking about my cock inside you. Is that you what you want?” She moans and grips the back of my fringe, her body shuddering when my cock meets her clit on a grind. “Take what you need, Elle.” 

Another moan and she leans forward to kiss me, but then it’s me whimpering helplessly when her hand grips my cock with all the strength I would expect from a soldier. 

I let her guide me inside her incredible little body and then I take her onto the coffee table and drill her for all that I’m worth. I drag three orgasms from her before she begs me for mercy and I spill all that I have into her body right there on my living room floor. When the orgasm finally releases me, I roll onto my back because I don’t trust myself not to crush her, and we lay there for a long moment, panting and sweating. 

I hadn’t realized how much stress I was carrying from the day, but I feel about ten times lighter now. 

“Well, shit Vakarian. You are...really something. It’s going to be a lot of fun keeping you around.” 

I laugh but note that it’s the second time she’s said something like that since coming into my apartment unannounced. “Are you transferring to C-Sec from the Alliance and just didn’t tell me? Or is there something I should know?”

Shepard laughs at that, her breasts bouncing with the movement and almost enough to distract me. “No, I’m not transferring to C-Sec. You’re transferring out.” I turn my head toward her and find her already watching me and smiling. “I want you to come with me. Finish this out.” 

My heart leaps so hard that it drags me up and I sit up straight, turning toward her. Shepard laughs again and follows me up, shifting so she can sit between my legs with her thighs draped over mine. 

“You want me on your team? On your ship?” I clarify. 

“Hell yes.” She says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I’ve done my research. Special Forces Sniper, top ranked sharpshooter, and hand-to-hand combat specialist. Well hung and rather generous in bed.” 

I laugh at the last part and pinch her side gently as punishment. “Shepard, seriously. You said goodbye a couple hours ago. What changed your mind?” 

“Captain Anderson, actually. When we were talking about what happened today, he said that it sounded like we made a great team. And we did! Like...really great.” 

“I agree,” I assure her, lost in green eyes wide and glowing. We flowed together easier, even with Wrex and Williams. I didn’t need Shepard’s commands to know where she would want me, and I trusted her to make the right decisions. Even if this mission sucks, today was kind of fun. 

Shepard takes a breath and puts her hands on my shoulders, nimble little fingers massaging gently. “I realize that asking you to put your career on hold is a big deal, but I want you out there with me. I already had it cleared with C-Sec and the Alliance; you report to the Normandy in the morning.” She shrugs and I assume it’s supposed to look casual when she adds, “As long as you want to.” 

I dive forward and crash into her, loving the sound of the squeal she releases as I take her back to the floor and nuzzle into her neck. “Do I want to finally get off this station for some real action? Do I want to see this thing through and get real justice? Are you kidding? Spirits, Shepard, yes.” 

“I was hoping you might say that,” she replies, laughing while she accepts my kiss. When I pull away just slightly I can see her eyes darken and she shifts, pushing me away by the chest until we’re both sitting up again. “We do need to talk about one thing though, Garrus.” 

She motions between us, but it wasn’t hard to figure out what she meant anyway. 

I watch her for a moment, finding the woman who sits in front of me absolutely gorgeous. Before I can think better of it, I reach out and tuck a stay curl behind her ear. As my hand falls away, I tug on the lobe gently. It makes her smile, and somehow that makes her even more beautiful. 

I swallow to get the words out, begging some blood back into the head at the top of my body. 

“You know how much I respect you and your command, Shepard. I can serve with you, under you.” 

She doesn’t meet my gaze when she asks softly, “If we were Turians or serving on a Turian ship...what would happen between us now?”

The question makes me nervous in a way that makes it feel like there are bubbles in my stomach. I haven’t felt that since I was a kid and had to confess to breaking a vase in my mom’s house. 

“Turians...we, uh, don’t take sex among crew as seriously as humans seem to. We get that soldiers need the stress relief so it’s not uncommon.” I throw in a shrug to try and look casual, hoping that the raging difference between our species and cultures don’t turn her off completely. “As long as it’s consensual and no one is getting pregnant or diseases, it doesn’t really matter.” 

“Even between a Commanding Officer and a subordinate?” 

I smirk at her because I can’t help it and pull her a little closer, brushing my mouth against hers as she settles into my lap willingly once more. “Rank doesn’t determine dominance in bed, Elle. It’s a little more complicated, but as long as there’s no insubordination on missions...and that’s really unheard of for Turians anyway. Most of us follows order - even bad ones.” 

Now Shepard laughs. “I can’t imagine you blindly following orders.” 

“I’ve never pretended to be a good Turian.” She laughs at that while rolling her pretty green eyes. I get serious for a second and assure her, “I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize this mission, Shepard.” 

“I know you wouldn’t.” She exhales slowly and for a long time. 

I wait patiently and consider what’s happening here, between us. I really would miss this. I would miss her, being like this. I’ve never in my life sat naked on the floor with a woman, but I already want to do it again. 

The problem is that I can’t imagine doing it with any woman except for her.

“I’ve been conflicted about this since we started working together today. I haven’t made it a secret that I want you, but Alliance regs are pretty strict about fraternization.” 

“I - “ 

“Hush or I might never get this out.” She presses a finger to my mouth to stop my words, and I nip the pad softly but nod for her to continue, earning a stunning smile in response. “The Alliance takes it seriously. I could lose my rank, and you being Turian means that any xenophobes with rank could ruin my reputation.” 

I can see her have to brush off frustration at that. Then she takes a deep breath and continues, “It’s also not technically an Alliance ship or crew anymore. I work for the Council and they don’t seem to take any interest in the personal lives of Spectres.” 

I can’t help but wonder if she can hear or feel the way my heart is starting to pound. My body is instantly eager and aroused at the idea of getting to continue this regularly. If she can hear it, she doesn’t react or call me out on it - too distracted by her own thoughts. 

“I don’t want to distract my crew,” she adds. “It’ll be enough that we’re bringing so many new and different people together. And I…” She takes another deep breath, looking up at me warily now. “I don’t really do relationships.” 

“I’m not going to ask you to marry me, Shepard,” I offer with a grin. She laughs but smacks my arm for it. I catch her hand and tangle my fingers through hers. “So, we need ground rules.” 

She seems to consider that for a moment. “Actually, yeah, I think ground rules would help me a lot. First rule is that this stays between us, no talking about it or making out in front of crowded clubs.” 

I laugh and agree, “Works for me. Rule two is mine. You’ve been an exception for me in terms of protection since you’re a human.” I can’t get her pregnant and that was really my only concern our first night together since I know our military’s require regular testing. “But I think we should be honest if we decide to, uh...take on other partners.” 

Shepard blinks at me and I can see the wheels turning in her head, taking my ground rule and turning it into me asking to have sex with other people. 

“Hey, quit that.” I pull her to me by her hair and kiss her lips firmly. “I don’t want anyone else. I said it in case you do.” 

“Hmm.” She kisses me, hard and quick. “Keep this up and I promise to be far too distracted to be worried about anyone else.” 

“I don’t hate the sound of that at all.” I find her lips once again and this time, I keep them. All I want now is to get back inside her, more than ready to go if she’ll let me. 

Shepard leans heavily into the kiss, her arms wrapping around me. She doesn’t pull away completely when she murmurs, “One more rule. No falling in love.” 

I nearly laugh. “Deal.” 

We seal it with a kiss that lasts until dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	4. Mako Rides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell you how much the comments and kudos mean to me. This has been a passion project for YEARS and it's literally a piece of my soul, so knowing you enjoy it is everything. Thank you for reading!

I honestly believed I’d get him out of my system. Even when I told Garrus that we could continue our little fling, enjoy one another on the ship when we needed it, I figured that once I got busy, I’d forget about him. 

In the last week, I’ve been busy as hell. It’s taken a lot of effort trying to get a crew involving a Krogan, a Quarian, and a Turian settled. We’ve had multiple short missions to get everyone acquainted and do a couple favors for the N7 squad, which there always seem to be more of. I haven’t had time to settle in with Garrus, and I keep waiting to forget about it. 

Instead, I’ve had a week of fitful nights and almost no sleep. My vibrator, my hand, and the little porn I’ve dared to look up on the ship’s extranet have been virtually useless. More than once, I’ve almost invited Garrus up to my quarters, but I feel like this ship has eyes and ears everywhere. I’m not quite so desperate that I want to risk getting caught...yet.

Garrus has only made things worse because he hasn’t said one damn word about our little arrangement. If he’s over this thing and I’m still pining...I’m gonna be pissed. 

We talk every night when I make rounds. I have to leave him for last because we end up chatting for hours, about everything and nothing. We jab and flirt, of course, and I really enjoy it. Garrus is funny and intelligent and genuinely good company. We have a lot of common interests and even more to learn about each other. Very quickly, I come to see him as much a friend as a casual sex partner. 

But, damn it, that doesn’t mean I don’t need to get laid. 

Tonight, I have enough tension and wound up energy that I could explode. I decide to skip the paperwork I’ve been doing every night instead of eating dinner and join the crew in Mess Hall. If nothing else, maybe the idle chit chat and jokes will help me relax. 

I step out of my quarters and find a much rowdier scene then I was expecting. Ashley Williams is standing on a chair in the middle of a crowd - it looks like the whole crew is here - gathering bets on her datapad. 

“Anyone who doesn’t take a Krogan for the win in hand-to-hand combat is an idiot,” one of the engineers shouts from the table. 

Sure enough, my own Krogan is standing on one side of the table, and he gruffs out a laugh at that. 

“No way,” Joker argues confidently. “You ever seen a Turian throw down? Krogan are big, but these guys are built to kill.” The pilot is standing opposite Wrex and shoulder-to-shoulder with Garrus. The Turian has his arms crossed over his chest and is sinking back into one hip, the stance relaxed and confident. 

And sexy as hell. 

It’s Kaidan who notices me first, everyone else too focused on the action here, but when he clears his throat, there’s a pretty hilarious scurrying to pretend they’re busy. 

“No one leaves,” I announce, keeping my voice calm. “What is going on here?” When no one answers me for a long moment, Wrex and Garrus not even looking away from each other, I turn to Tali who is leaning against the wall at the side of the room. “Tali?” 

The Quarian makes a little squeak of surprise like she didn’t even think I’d see her there. Even through her helmet, I can tell she’s looking back and forth between Garrus and me. I’ve spent a good amount of time getting to know Tali down in Engineering, but so has Garrus. 

I’m going to try and pretend that something feeling a whole helluva lot like jealousy doesn’t settle in my gut, knowing that they’re close. 

“You can tell her, Tali. It’s OK,” Garrus assures her. 

“Wrex and Garrus are going to spar in the Cargo Hold,” she explains, the words exploding from her. “The rest of the crew are taking bets on who will win, who will draw first blood...that sort of thing.” 

“Oh. Well, then what’s the under over on whether or not the two of you rip right through the hull of my ship?” I ask the offenders, sinking back into my own hip now. 

Wrex laughs at that. “Your Turian isn’t that big, Shepard.” 

“And the Krogan isn’t as tough as he thinks he is, Commander,” Garrus returns calmly. 

I frown, a little torn here. I know that things are different on ships for other species and that sparring is pretty common, but this isn’t one of those ships. The Alliance is not a military that condones sparring matches between crew. I don’t want to start a circus, and I definitely don’t want the most dangerous members of my crew beating the crap out of each other. 

“It’s all good, Shep. It’s a friendly thing,” Joker assures me.

“Friendly?” I scoff at him, still unsure. 

Garrus laughs a little this time. “He’s right. I have nothing against Wrex. You’d know if I did.” 

Wrex grunts in what I think is agreement. “You put two alpha males in a small space, Shepard, we have to blow off the steam somehow. Better with established rules, right?” 

“Hey! There are more than two alpha males on this ship!” Joker protests indignantly. I watch Kaidan and a few guys from engineering puff up a little only to make Garrus and Wrex actually laugh out loud at them, and some of the women have to hide laughter behind their hands. Joker shoves Garrus playfully, but I can see Kaidan get red instead, so I fight off my own laugh. 

“There’s an alternative, Shepard,” Wrex informs me, finally taking his eyes off Garrus to cock his head at me. “Maybe you’d rather I spar with you.” 

It would be impossible to miss Garrus’ response to that. He unfolds from the casual stance and leans toward Wrex just a little, baring his teeth briefly. I can feel my eyes widen even while a heat blooms in my core. 

Since when am I into the whole protective guy thing?

Especially in public. Ashley and Kaidan exchange a glance from where they stand near me, but I choose to ignore them. 

Wrex just chuckles and shrugs. “I won’t touch your human, Turian.” 

“Oh, I know,” Garrus answers, his voice in that low register I like so much but sounding far more deadly than I’ve ever heard him before. 

I don’t miss that Wrex has now called Garrus my Turian and referred to me as his human. Maybe the Krogan has noticed or knows more than he’s letting on. Not that there’s been any action to notice. 

Maybe trying to keep these two from killing each other should be my priority. 

I take a breath. “Fine. What are these established rules?”

“Stay away from my throat with your teeth,” Wrex tells Garrus firmly. 

“No biotics,” Garrus replies. “Are we wearing gloves?”

“Probably should. Armor?”

“Definitely not.” 

“Fine, but I’m wearing a cup, and you don’t come near my quad.” 

Garrus laughs. “I want nothing to do with your quad, trust me.” That gets a laugh from the entire crew, and I can’t help joining in. Wrex laughs as well and it does something to ease my concerns. They really do seem to have a handle on this, and they’re thinking about it rationally, even if the idea seems crazy. 

“I think that’s it, pretty boy,” Wrex teases him. 

“Anything you want to add, Shepard?” Garrus asks, finally turning toward me and getting my OK. I hate that he’s smiling at me because I like it - a lot. 

“Yeah. It stops the moment that I say it stops, or I’ll kick both your asses.” 

“There’s a bet I’d take!” someone from the crew shouts, riling up the others. 

Defeated and maybe even a little into the idea now, though I’ll never admit it, I end up in the Cargo Hold with the rest of the crew ten minutes later. I send my bet to Ashley privately, and she gives me a proud thumbs up when it’s received; I’m not stupid enough to miss out on a sure thing. 

I try my best to be aware of the whole fight. I want to take in both of their styles fully and be able to engage in talks about the fight after. Instead, I can’t tear my eyes off Garrus Vakarian.

He fights like a true predator, fast and graceful. He doesn’t make a single move that isn’t calculated, and I can see how aware he is of his opponent - so much that he predicts most of Wrex’s moves before they’re made. His body is strong and lithe, the way his muscles move through the intricate pattern of his plates makes me grateful that he decided to spar shirtless. 

His body is beautiful, and within moments, I’m itching to get my hands on him. And I want my mouth on him even worse. 

The Krogan gets in some hard blows; someone who weighs almost half a ton is bound to. Garrus gets in just as many and dodges many more. They’re far more evenly matched than I think anyone could have predicted. Garrus draws first blood when he launches a fist into the Krogan’s nose, but Wrex gets him back with a headbutt to the face. 

I register how close that came to my sniper’s eye and the very last thing I need is to have him impaired so, much to the disappointment of the crowd, I put an end to the action. 

“Yeah, yeah, cry all you want,” I wave off the complaints. 

The crew disperses slowly, talking and laughing casually among themselves. Garrus and Wrex are easily included in the conversation and laughter, which makes me smile; I was worried about bringing such a blended crew together, but it’s been working out so far. 

A little violence goes a long way to promoting comradery, I guess. 

I roll my eyes at the two warriors, still laughing and playfully shoving each other when most of the others are gone. “You both need to get upstairs and have Chakwas take a look at you.” I expect them to tell me no, so I’m prepared when they both just laugh. 

“Not a chance, Shepard. I’m getting a shower and getting to bed.” With that settled, Wrex slaps Garrus hard on the back before walking past both of us and heading for the elevator. 

“I don’t need the doctor. I’m not even bleeding,” Garrus assures me, motioning to his face. 

It’s true that he’s not, but I watched him get hit hard a few times, so I’d rather see him get checked out. He can read the concern on my face, but instead of agreeing, Garrus glances around to make sure we’re alone. 

He moves toward me, sliding closer until I could touch him just by lifting my hand. I can barely breathe when the air between us sparks to life, pushing and pulling with palpable energy. My breath catches in my throat, and I have to swallow, awareness of him rushing in hard and hot. 

“I wouldn’t say no to an examination if you want to prove that to yourself,” he murmurs in that damn deep voice of his. 

I manage a laugh around my heart racing and press my hands into his chest. Garrus closes the distance between us boldly, and I want nothing more than to kiss him right there. So I throw caution to the wind and kiss my Turian right there in the middle of my ship’s Cargo Hold. 

I can feel his surprise, but he doesn’t hesitate for long, hauling me up against him and kissing me properly for the first time in far too long. It ends far too soon, though. “I really don’t want a hard-on when I go take a shower,” he growls against my mouth. 

“Screw the shower,” I respond, still up on my tiptoes and leaning into him for balance when I kiss the end of his mandible gently. “Come upstairs.” 

Garrus chuckles softly at my eagerness and drops his head to my throat, tracing his tongue over the sensitive skin. His tongue is different than mine or what I’m used to, a little rougher in texture and definitely longer. Like the rest of his body, it’s also scorching hot. 

I can’t help but think about how that tongue would feel in other places, and it makes me shudder. 

“We’ll get caught going upstairs. Everyone's upstairs right now.” 

“Then let’s go somewhere else,” I breathe, annoyed that he can tease me with rational thought while turning me on wildly. “It’s been too long and a stressful week. I want you.” 

Garrus growls and kisses me hard enough to bruise my lips; I love it. “You drive me crazy.” 

The way his talons dig into my ass makes me feel like the crazy one, and my head is spinning when he shifts to grab my hands, tugging me along behind him. I expect him to move for the elevator, but my excitement soars when I realize he’s taking me to the Mako instead. 

I never realized before this moment how badly I’ve always wanted to be fucked in a tank. 

“Couldn’t have me in that rapid transit, so you’re settling for the Mako?”

He laughs at my teasing but yanks me by the hand as he pulls open the backdoor so that I slam into his chest. Garrus might have just been laughing, but now he’s dead serious, blue eyes piercing me and his whole body exuding danger. 

“Being with you is the furthest thing from settling I have ever done,” he informs me plainly. “And I will take absolutely any opportunity you give me to get inside you.” 

I yank him down by the front of his carapace and press my mouth to his, taking a moment to revel in the way he tastes. “I really need to find more opportunities for you to do that.” 

He smiles and motions for me to climb in ahead of him, which I do. Once inside, with the door shut, all the light and mechanical sound of the Cargo Hold is shut out so that we’re cocooned in what would be peace if it wasn’t raging with sexual tension, electricity surging between us. 

Acting like he doesn’t even notice it, Garrus leans against the door with one leg pulled up onto the seat between us. He drapes one arm over the back of the seat and reaches up to hold the handlebar with the other. With his shirt still off and probably because of my raging hormones, the man looks sexier right now than I have ever seen him before. 

For once, I manage to catch him off guard when I dive back across the seat and onto him. I go for his throat, and Garrus groans, his hands fisting in my shirt and probably ripping through the fabric. 

“Damn, Shepard. That mouth,” he moans, lifting his hips to try and grind against me. 

“Like it?” I press his hips back down with my hands and hold him against the seat, though he doesn’t fight me. 

“Yes. Especially when you’re doing that - ah, Shepard.” He kicks out restlessly when I nip the edge of a plate on his chest. 

“I did some research,” I inform him, moving my body slowly down his while I continue kissing over him. He shudders when my hand shifts to his waist and then throws his head back with a deep moan, a growl starting to rumble through him when my mouth joins my hands on that sensitive skin. “I found something Turian women can’t do, and that most Asari women don’t.” 

“Trust me,” he pants, constantly squirming now. It’s pretty damn heady to know I can make a man that just took on a Krogan squirm helplessly. “You do a lot of things for me that other women can’t.” I look up to catch his gaze while sliding my hand between us to grip his cock through his BDUs. “Yeah, like make me that hard. Spirits, you’re killing me. Are you going to let me touch you?” 

“No.” 

My answer is simple, but I feel him tense with confusion. He doesn’t stop me from sliding my hands into the waistband of his pants and lift his hips to let me guide them down even though he’s watching me warily now. 

“You’re going to need to be quiet. Ash, Wrex, or Tali could come back,” I warn him. 

“You wouldn’t like it if I was quiet, and you know it.” 

I laugh, and he groans in relief as his cock springs free. I got a good look at his tool the last time we were together, but I’m a little sad it’s so dark now that I plan on getting even closer acquainted. The ridges stand out, and I run my fingers over them very gently, the shaft twitching in response. 

Garrus moves suddenly to grab my wrist and turns to look over his shoulder. “The elevator is descending...Williams, I think. You should get low.” 

I almost laugh but decide to keep it all a surprise instead. Garrus thinks I’m just complying when I slide off the seat and onto the floor of the Mako so that I can rest on my knees. His whole body jumps so hard when I grip his cock while he’s not looking - and apparently not prepared - that I’m surprised the entire tank doesn’t rock. 

“Listen to me.” I have to whisper, just in case, but I know Garrus can hear me with no problem. He doesn’t dare to take his eyes off of me now. “You have to tell me if I do something that you don’t like. It’s OK. Just tell me.” 

“I’m...what? You’re making me a little nervous here, Shepard,” he admits, glancing quickly back over his shoulder through the tinted window. “She’s leaving.” 

“Good.” 

I lean forward and keep my eyes on his while bringing my mouth down to kiss the head of his cock very gently. It might have been gentle, but Garrus nearly leaps off the seat entirely. His chest heaves for air, but he doesn’t move away from me, so I test the waters and kiss it again. A loud growl erupts and then continues rumbling deep inside him. “Never had a blowjob, Vakarian?” 

“A...what?” 

I just smile and let him off the hook, running my tongue up the entire length and then swirling slowly around the head. Garrus practically whimpers as his hips leave the bench. I learned from the extranet and from the last time that Turian men do the lubricating, but I didn’t expect that it would taste...kind of nice, actually. Sweet. Not unlike the rock candy I remember from my childhood. 

I already wanted this desperately, but now I feel like I could devour him. So I do, letting my lips flow over the wide crest of his cock. 

“Oh, fuck! Elle, damn it.” His words flow into something my translator doesn’t pick up, but I assume it’s good since his entire body has gone slack. 

I’d love to take my time, taste and tease him, but considering the lack of privacy, I settle for driving him wild and jerk his shaft with a tight grip while sucking and mouthing him. I catch movement out of the corner of my eye and find that Garrus had started to reach toward me but pulled back. I reach out and catch his wrist, guiding his hand to the back of my head. 

He growls again, fisting my hair and catching on quickly as he uses the hold to adjust my pace until I recognize his breathing growing frantic. 

“Fuck, that feels...you’re amazing. Spirits, help me.” I can’t help a moan, turned on just by knowing how much I’ve turned him on, and his big body shudders. “Oh, do that again.” I obey, and Garrus growls, hips jerking toward my mouth involuntarily. 

I can’t tell he’s getting close when I feel him start to swell even more, but the way Garrus starts to shift his legs and hips restlessly is enough of a clue. “Shepard, I’m gonna...fuck, I need to cum. Please.” 

I want to earn his first orgasm from oral more than anything, so I jerk his shaft faster and cup his balls with my free hand to roll them gently. Four...interesting. 

He lets out a stream of words I’m certain are swear words when he realizes I’m not stopping. His hand tightens in my hair, and I think he might try to pull me away, so I hollow my cheeks and suck - hard. 

Garrus all but roars, calling out my name before he somehow swells even more and then explodes. The first burst of his cum is so thick that I almost choke, but I manage to hold out and swallow all of him. He moans softly and pants for air, looking intensely satisfied and so damn fine. 

It’s hard not to feel a little satisfied myself. 

“You are a beautiful man,” I tell him, kissing his hips before shifting forward to climb back up him. Garrus only moves to slip his arms around me and drop one hand to my ass when I straddle him.

“That was...totally absurd.” 

I laugh, but he cuts it off by kissing me. It’s a little hot that he doesn’t care I just swallowed his seed. I hold his face between my hands and return his passion. I can feel his cock throbbing between us still, as hard as if he hadn’t just had an explosive orgasm. 

What’s more, the electricity between us is still thrumming, like no tension was relieved at all. Maybe that isn’t what we’re doing here together. Maybe we’re building more need, more tension, instead of taking any away. I’m not going to survive him if that’s true.

“You had your turn,” Garrus growls. “I’m touching you now.” To prove his point, Garrus shoves his hands up under my shirt. I feel my bra snap with almost violence and gasp, making him chuckle. “I should have clarified. I’m going to touch you everywhere.” 

“Garrus.” 

With another man, one who I didn’t know shared my fondness and desperation or didn’t consider a friend, I might be ashamed of the weak way I gasp out his name. I might reject or at least resist his dominance. I might feel less safe, less cared for, just less in general. With Garrus, the only thing I can think about is how badly I want him and bask in knowing he wants me just as much. 

His tongue drags me from my thoughts as it drags over my skin, over my throat, and up to my ear, which he nips. “Turn around.” 

My surprise lasts for all of a second before I eagerly push off of him and stand as much as I can to obey. I still have to bend almost in half, but he gives me room before moving me between his legs. I feel him shift behind me and grasp my thighs to keep me from sitting back down. 

I have to reach out to hold the back of the seats in front of me for some stability when I feel his mouth brush across my lower back. One hand sneaks around my hips and deftly releases the button of my pants. “Ready for me?” he asks, voice somehow even huskier than usual while guiding my pants down. 

“God, yes. From the moment I met you,” I admit. 

Garrus rewards me for that with a deep, beautiful growl that sends heat surging through my core. Still, he takes no chances and tests me with taloned fingers while my pants rest just below my knees. “So wet,” he murmurs, sweeping slowly before slipping one finger through my folds. “One of these days, Elle, I’m really gonna take my time and drive you wild. Make you beg.” 

I don’t hide my laugh. “Can you actually see me begging?”

“Oh, baby,” he laughs in response, apparently unaware of what hearing him call me baby in that voice does to me. “I can see you doing and wanting a lot of things you’ve never dared to.” 

I bite my lip to stifle a moan, unwilling to let him know how good his finger fucking me slowly feels or what his words are doing to me. It feels like he’s issuing a challenge, and I’m not about to back down. “You’re assuming you’re my first man in a Mako?”

His growl shifts somewhere lower in his chest, and the hand on my hip tightens, a signal that he did not like that. Garrus jerks me back so suddenly that I lose my breath and land hard on his lap with his cock against my back and his mouth at my ear. 

“I will be the only man you remember when you think of this,” he promises, voice dangerous and deadly again like it was when he thought Wrex as threatening me. 

A shiver of something that feels kind of like fear rushes down my spine, but it’s followed so quickly by anticipation and arousal that I barely recognize it. I want whatever Garrus has to give, whatever he wants or needs from me.

Before I can give that too much thought, Garrus pushes me back off of him by the hips only to hold me in place while I can feel his cock taking aim, the thick head nestling just inside me. I spare a moment to be grateful that he tested my readiness when even lowering slowly, he stretches me to the point of pain. When my thighs rest on his and I’m completely full, I can barely breathe at all. 

God, I’ve needed this. 

Garrus hooks his feet around mine and pulls his legs apart, spreading me. He slides one hand from my waist to rest on my stomach and pulls, guiding me to lean back against his chest. I can’t help but gasp and clench his arm with my hand when the new angle presses his cock up against the sensitive spot at the front of my body. It makes me feel even fuller, and I nearly see stars when he rolls his hips up into me. 

“There you go. Let me in, baby.” 

I don’t know when he started calling me baby, but as long as he keeps doing whatever he’s doing with his hips to make his cock move like that, I can’t care. With a couple rolls, my body opens and lets all of him in. We moan in unison at the sensation. 

“That’s my girl,” Garrus breathes softly into my ear, sharp teeth incredibly gentle when he nips the lobe. 

Something in my stomach clenches oddly at his words. I recognize his next growl as frustrated, his forehead on my shoulder, and can tell that he caught my reaction to the possessive endearment. 

“Don’t.” 

I reach back to hold the back of his head, lifting my hips as much as I can to grind down on him. Garrus is the one who gasps this time, and he bites down on my shoulder, hard enough to break the skin and make me cry out for him. My fingers dig into the sensitive hide beneath his fringe, and Garrus slides one strong, rough hand up to cup my breasts. His other hand, wicked man that he is, moves to where are bodies are joined so that deft fingers can find my clit. 

“You feel so good, so tight,” he purrs into my ear. I don’t have a lot of leverage to move in this position - or room to move in the tank - but I don’t need it with Garrus’ dick and hands in the perfect places to make me crazy. We grind slowly instead of thrusting so that he’s rubbing me inside and out, right where I need him...just like he always is. 

Combined with that damn melted chocolate voice whispering how good I made him feel, I’m lost. 

“Is that how you want me, Elle? Can you cum for me like this?” 

“Yes, Garrus, please. I need you with me.” 

“Spirits, I am, I’m with you.” Garrus accentuates the point by giving me a shallow thrust and increasing the pressure on my clit. He guides me that way to climax until it’s all I can do not to thrash around on him. “Kiss me.” 

I turn my head to meet his mouth, kissing him as deeply as I can so that he can swallow my screams. It’s quickly followed by his deep moans and the hot explosion of his seed inside me. 

It feels like the pleasure goes on long enough to kill me before we both slump heavily, breathing hard, and his arms come around me. I don’t move my hand from the back of his head, although my fingers are gentler now, and I continue to kiss the side of his face that I can reach while we fight for air and our senses. “We need to do this more often.” 

He laughs and turns his head to kiss me quickly before dropping his head back to the seat. I do the same, into his chest, and cover his arms with mine. He’s so warm, so comfortable. I could stay here...forever.

“I never dreamed of a woman who could be better tension relief than sparring with a Krogan. You really are something else, Shepard.” 

“Well, while we’re being honest...this is my first time in a Mako. Or any sort of vehicle, actually.” Garrus gives a happy little hum at that, and I feel his arms tighten around me. “Oh, and you, Officer Vakarian, are the first man who has ever inspired a wet dream.” 

This time his groan is pained, and it makes me laugh since torture was the primary reason I told him that last part...even though it’s true. 

“You need to not say things like that if you want me to ever let you out of this tank.” 

I laugh with him, and I love that he still wants me after we’re done, but it makes me remember the time as well as our location, so I start to climb carefully off of him. Garrus lends his hands to stabilize me in the small space and then shifts over on the seat so that I can collapse back down beside him. We sit there for another moment, both still quiet while basking in the afterglow. 

“I should get back upstairs before someone notices.” I know I’ve failed at masking how disappointed I sound about that. I don’t want to leave - not the tank, not this moment, not Garrus. 

“Yeah, I know.” It surprises me that he sounds just as disappointed, but not to find blue eyes already watching me when I turn my head. He leans down to kiss me, and I let him, holding his jaw while returning it. We part slowly after a long moment and then go about getting ourselves put back together. It’s all a lot less awkward than it could be. 

I’m grateful that we’re still alone when we climb out of the truck, but even more that Garrus checked before letting me out. “Getting back to work?”

“You know me,” he responds with a laugh and a shrug. “Heading to bed?”

“After a shower, yeah.” 

“Don’t tease me, Shepard. And get out of here before anyone else on the crew figures out how crazy you are about me.” I’ll never stop loving how easily he makes me laugh. “Night, kid.” 

“Goodnight, Garrus.” 

I don’t reach the elevator before he calls, “Oh, hey wait. I saw you place a bet with Williams. Who did you give the odds to?”

I laugh and roll my eyes, not turning around when I answer, “Always on the sure thing, big guy.” 

Shepard has put together quite the weird operation here. 

I wasn’t surprised when I got to the Normandy on my first day and found out that Shepard had recruited the Quarian girl, Tali, for her mission. I could tell the two of them liked each other right away, and I’ve seen them giggling together since; Shepard seems light around her. Tali is sweet, a little quiet until you get her going, and a brilliant engineer - an interest we share. We get along, and I like having her around. 

A surprise came when I realized she’d also recruited Wrex, the Krogan mercenary. I’ve known him for years, and though we’ve never spent a lot of time together, the rapport comes easy, and we find ourselves choosing to share space down in the Cargo Hold. Sleeping in the human crew quarters is tough when you’re quite a bit bigger than the normal human, so Shepard commandeered us cots. 

Much the opposite of the Quarian, Wrex is more shut-off than I’ve known him to be, which tells me that he’s a little anxious with the rest of the crew. It’s hard to blame him for it with people like Ashley Williams around. The Gunnery Chief is a raging xenophobe and racist; she does nothing to hide her opinions, especially about me and especially when Shepard isn’t around. 

Unfortunately, her work station is also in the Cargo Hold, which means that she spends hours every day scoffing and scowling at Wrex and me. It pisses the Krogan off, but I don’t pay it much mind. I know for certain that Shepard doesn’t share her beliefs, and at least the other humans on the crew aren’t nearly as bad. Pressly might hold a bit of a grudge, but he’s polite to me, at least.

Joker, the pilot with the strange-sounding voice and a frail body, is sarcastic and moody...which is probably a big reason why we click immediately. His sour style doesn’t put me off, and I think he appreciates that I can be sarcastic right back instead of letting him offend me. We crack jokes over meals and exchange media files through our Omni-Tools, competing with our individual and cultural tastes in music and movies. 

The other human on Shepard’s crew, Kaidan Alenko, would likely become a friend of mine if he wasn’t interested in Shepard as much more than a Commander. He’s a Lieutenant and a biotic who seems capable enough. The way that Ashley Williams responds to him is enough to tell me that Kaidan is considered handsome by human standards. So it annoys me that he so obviously wants Shepard, pining after her without bothering to hide the flirting or pouting every time he doesn’t get all of her attention. 

And it drives Alenko crazy right back that Shepard doesn’t hide giving me her attention, instead of him.

She makes the rounds at the end of every day and checks in with every single crew member. It’s not something I’ve ever seen on a ship or with another commanding officer, but it seems to be working, even Wrex opening up to her after she persists for a few weeks. Shepard leaves me for last on those rounds, and at first, I thought that was a slight, but I’ve come to realize it’s because we end up talking for hours. Just last night, she was down here for almost three hours shooting the shit. 

Shepard is busy as hell and focused on the mission - a focus I appreciate immensely - so I’m trying to be understanding that we’ve only had one chance for alone time. She’s still showing interest, flirting hard, and I catch her eye lingering on me a little too long around the ship. But before the night in the Mako, I was worried she was getting over me. I hate how much that freaked me out. 

I should have had her out of my system long ago; instead, I can’t even climax on my own anymore without thinking about the way Shepard feels inside or how she looks when I’m inside her. Or that mouth. Damn human really did ruin me. 

And I’m still not entirely sure that it matters to her. 

I shake off the thought and focus on my task. Shepard asked me to make sure the Mako is ready for the mission today. She admitted to me last night in private that she’s a little anxious about this mission since it’s the first really important one, everything else mostly just Alliance errands even if they did give us good practice as a squad. She seemed to relax a little when I assured her that I have all the confidence in the world in her, but I want the Mako at optimal performance anyway. 

The mission today will take us to a Prothean dig site on Therum. We’re supposed to find and question Liara T’Soni, an Asari expert on the Protheans and their culture. She also happens to be Matriarch Benezia’s daughter, and if that woman is working as Saren’s right hand, the daughter might know something that can help us. 

The Cargo Hold is busy while we all wait for Shepard to give orders after Joker announces we’re approaching Therum. I want to be chosen for the ground team on the mission as much as anyone else; getting chosen for the first big mission means Shepard trusts us and our abilities. 

Williams and Alenko are down here in the Cargo Bay, the biotic making a rare trip away from his station or wherever he happens to be drooling over Shepard’s ass, and both of them preparing their armor. They don’t have the gall to dress already, but we can all see that they’ve assumed they’ll be on Shepard’s ground squad. Even I can admit it’s an easy assumption to make, just given that they’re Alliance, but it pisses me off anyway...both being left behind and their cocky attitudes. 

“I’m going to piss her helmet one day,” Wrex growls from beside me, cleaning his shotgun. I laugh at him but don’t doubt for a second that he’d do it if Williams said the wrong thing. “You were up late, Vakarian. And not alone.” 

I scowl at him and dart a glance toward the humans, hoping they don’t hear and get curious about what I was doing last night. 

“Their hearing is crap, and they’re too dense to realize that’s going on with you and Shepard.” 

“There is nothing going on with Shepard and me.” 

Wrex barks out a laugh. “Try that with a species who can’t smell the pheromones on both of you when you’re in the same room. And she doesn’t stay up halfway through the night cycle giggling with anyone else.” 

“Go ahead and let Shepard hear you accuse her of giggling. You’ll be peeing through a stump.” 

We laugh together at that, but the sound of the elevator descending distracts us. The thing moves almost as slowly as the infamous ones on the Citadel, so even on a small ship, it ends up being a long ride. I try not to watch when Shepard emerges. 

I try...but I fail, hard. 

Shepard is a damn vision, even in head to toe armor. And even standing next to Tali, who could attract any blue-blooded Turian. Shepard captures all of my attention. I have to take a deep breath to try and stem the flow of blood to my cock, so I divert my eyes instead of watching her walk. 

Most of the issue is that I’m decidedly not used to only getting laid once every few weeks, I know that, but knowing doesn’t actually help me. 

“Vakarian.” 

I love the way she says my name, even when it’s all business. I turn toward her immediately, not about to disrespect her command. Especially not for a hard-on. “Commander?”

“Gear up. You’re with Tali and me.” 

I feel my surprise register hard enough that I’m sure she can see it. Me and Tali on the mission means that she’s not taking any of the human Alliance squad. She’s taking me instead of a human. 

She trusts me. 

“Aye, Commander.” I offer her a quick half-smile that I hope she catches and then cut across the room to the lockers where my armor waits. Williams and Alenko are both standing at the lockers with their mouths gaping open like the fish in the fountain on the Presidium. 

It takes a lot of effort not to rub it in their faces, but I ignore them and move to my locker. 

“Commander, I...are you sure?” Alenko asks, with Williams on his heels. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Kaidan Alenko, it’s that he has absolutely no idea how to take a hint. 

“Am I sure?” Shepard repeats, her voice slow and dangerous. 

The warning is clear in her tone - he needs to shut up. Unfortunately for them, Williams is just as bad at picking up signals. “We thought you’d want to have some of the Alliance crew with you.” 

“You’re not Alliance crew anymore, Williams, you’re mine. And I am always sure, Alenko.” 

I hear Wrex’s low chuckle, the Krogan brave enough not to bother hiding his amusement. I try not to laugh but can’t help turning to watch in the hope that Shepard will tear into them while I start strapping my armor on. 

“We know Saren is involved with the Reapers, and our only connection to them is the Protheans. This professor, T’Soni, is an expert on Protheans and Benezia’s daughter; we need to assume Saren is going after her, and that could mean Geth. Tali is better than any of us at taking the Geth out. Hell, she can make them fight against each other!” 

It is an impressive little trick, and I’m sure that if her face wasn’t hidden, we’d see Tali beaming under the praise. 

“OK, but what about Vakarian?”

Shepard laughs at that, surprising all of us, I think. “Are you serious? The guy can make shots before the rest of us ever even see them. And he takes out Geth through the flashlight at meters. Can either of you do that?” 

Now I have to fight not to look proud, grateful I’m already dressed so that armor around my carapace and throat will prevent anyone from seeing the blue tinge of a blush as my plates each up. Open praise is new for me, especially from someone so...good.

She’s not done with the humans, though, and I find myself completely rapt when she unfolds her arms from her cocky, casual stance to step toward them. She’s all business now. 

“Before either of you get any closer to insubordination, let me make it clear that I will choose my squad however I see fit. You two are not different, separate, or above anyone else on the crew just because you’re wearing Alliance insignia. Are we clear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” they both respond reflexively and immediately. 

Fuck. Shepard in charge could totally get me off. She challenges my dominant instincts in everything she does, in just being herself, and it’s part of the reason I’m always hot for her. 

Those hips don’t hurt either. 

“Good. You’ve both just been reassigned to Mess duty for the day. Go.” I watch Williams and Alenko scramble for the elevator, no longer hiding my amusement with the whole thing. “Try not to let your ego get too big over there, Vakarian.” 

“Oh, it’s always big, Shepard,” I quip before I can think better of it. 

Tali claps a hand over her mask, which doesn’t stop the sound of her giggle, and Shepard’s cheeks turn that wonderful pink color. She elbows her Quarian friend, and the two of them laugh even as the human narrows her eyes at me. I just shrug innocently, grateful she’s not mad for the public slip. 

I can’t help but wonder if her reaction would be different if the Alliance crew were still here. 

“I’ll meet you both at the airlock,” Shepard says, nodding to Tali to get her armor on. Wrex joins her in the elevator, probably going to eat for the third time today. 

“So...I’m not the only one of us who’s surprised that Shepard is taking us, right?” Tali asks when she approaches the lockers. I can’t help but enjoy the lilt of her voice, that unique accent. “I mean, clearly the humans are.” 

I laugh and shake my head, finishing the seals on my gear. “No, I’m surprised, too. Shepard...kind of seems to be full of surprises.” I didn’t actually mean to say that when I started and I have to hope Tali doesn’t make a big deal out of it; the way that she’s watching me makes me certain the Quarian is smiling at me. “Shut up, Tali.” 

“Oh, come on! She’s into you, Garrus.” 

“Yeah, and the whole galaxy is into her. Also - shut up.” 

That only makes her laugh harder, tilting her head back and obviously enjoying teasing me. I flick her hood playfully and dodge her swatting arm before I leave her alone to finish dressing, heading for the elevator on my own while checking the heat sinks for my rifle and pistols. 

Shepard’s words to the other humans make me wonder what we’ll be facing on Therum. Tali’s words make me wonder who else has figured out how I feel about our Commander. 

The raspy sound of her laugh as I approach the airlock is not helping my situation. Shepard is standing in the cockpit, leaning against a wall and talking to Joker, who has turned his seat around to face her. It lets him see me coming, and Shepard follows his gaze to me. 

I take more than a little pleasure in the blaze of heat that erupts in green eyes when she spots me.

“Hey, super nerd,” the pilot calls, smirking at me. “You have got to stop leaving the stick from your ass lying around. Kaidan keeps finding it and sitting on the thing.” 

“Please - please - do not make references to Alenko sitting on anything attached to me.” That sends both Shepard and Joker into hysterics. I just roll my eyes and join them in the cockpit. 

I choose to lean on the wall just behind Shepard. I hope it just looks like I’m waiting near the airlock but here, close to her...I can smell her. When she’s wearing armor, the woman’s natural citrus and cinnamon scent swirls with the gun oil and metal scent of the soldier. I’ve never found a scent so sexy in my whole life...someday, I’m going to fuck her senseless while she’s wearing it. 

And that’s easily the most inappropriate thought I’ve ever had. Get a grip, Vakarian. 

“You know, I’m kind of looking forward to having an Asari onboard,” Joker informs us. I know enough about human expressions to know he’s about to say something dirty. “So far, the only available women on board are either in an enviro-suit or could probably break me.” 

“Hey, if they want to try, never say no,” I advise him with a wink. Joker laughs, and Shepard tries not to while she throws an elbow back into me. 

The Normandy alerts Joker that we’re nearing the landing zone he programmed, so he turns his back to us, and I can’t pass up the opportunity to step even closer to Shepard. 

“Careful, Vakarian. Joker thinks I could break a guy,” she whispers, tilting her head back to look up at me with wide eyes. 

“Hmm.” I take a glance at Joker to make sure we have a minute of privacy and then lift my hand to her throat, all that skin just begging for me. She has no idea what this submissive stance does to me. Her eyes grow even wider when my armored hand covers the front of her neck, but she doesn’t pull away. “That sounds like a challenge I might have to accept.” 

“Is there any challenge you don’t accept?”

“Never.” The bright smile that flashes across her face makes my heart skip. I’d do just about anything keep her smiling like this.

“We’ve got trouble.” I drop my hand immediately and try to ignore the way Shepard almost falls forward like she needed the contact. “The planet is volcanic, and it’s unstable. We can’t land the Normandy, you’ll have to drop in the Mako,” Joker tells us. 

“It’s ready,” I promise Shepard before she has to ask. 

She nods, fully recovered now, and pounds her fist twice against my armor. “Let’s move.” 

“Tali, I swear, if you gasp like that one more time, I will eject you from the tank.” 

There are few things I hate more than backseat drivers, and the aliens in the Mako with me now are worse than any humans, groaning and gasping like their lives are in danger. 

“Shepard, can you blame her? I’m pretty sure you got a sear on the undercarriage with that last turn. You know - the one near the flowing river of lava!” Garrus snaps from the seat beside me. He’s gripping the handle above him and the dashboard so hard that I’m certain his knuckles would be white if he had skin. As it is, I think he might break something. 

“The turns are sharp!” 

“Then stop taking them so wide!” 

I can’t help but laugh at how high his voice is managing to get, especially while I continue to accelerate to navigate Therum’s winding landscape. It’s kind of a pain, but at least we barely need any navigational aid at all with all the machinery leading to the dig site. 

Well, that and all the Geth dropships leaving us with enemies trying to block our path. 

“You think you could quit whining and take out some Geth?” I tease my sniper as he leans his rifle out the window again. In response - and probably to show me up - Garrus uses four bullets to take out five Geth, including a Rocket Trooper armed with a grenade launcher. 

The damned cocky look on his face when he leans back in is trouble for my focus...almost as bad as his hand around my throat earlier was. 

Really not the time or place to get turned on. 

We reach the gates, and I have to park the Mako to help my crew eliminate the squadron of Geth in front of us, leaving us with a very much closed gate. “Vakarian, clear out the building to the right of gates, I’ll take the left. If the controls are in there, open it. Tali, stay here in case more drones show up or if we need the cannons for whatever is on the other side.” 

They both confirm immediately, and Garrus gets out of the Mako even before I do. After being challenged and questioned by members of my crew this morning, it’s nice to be trusted. 

I end up only having to take out one Geth and hear a single shot from Garrus’ building before I hear the gates opening. I haul ass back out, but the other side of the gate is clear, and Tali never has to fire.

“Mine was dead first. Some sniper you are.” 

Garrus laughs and shakes his head at me, probably entirely unaware that he looks downright edible in all of his armor. “I’ve taken out sixteen Geth. You did, what, three? Come on, kid. Keep up.” 

I should probably be concerned that he’s using what amounts to a pet name for me on a public comm channel that anyone on the ship could tap into, that Joker and Tali are listening on, that will be recorded. But I like it too damn much to care.

The rest of our journey in the Mako ends quickly and we’re forced to leave it where Joker can retrieve it before continuing on foot through a narrow pass with just about everything the Geth can throw at us - including a couple new and fun sons of bitches who can climb walls and flash around at light speed. It’s not an easy fight, but we handle it about as well as I could have hoped. 

Garrus’ shots are all but flawless, and he somehow anticipates what I’m going to say before I have to say it, so we’re moving with fluidity, and I don’t have to give him a single command. Tali is exceptional in taking out Geth, as always. I honestly think she’s enjoying finding new ways to piss them off or blow them up. I don’t know if that’s about the history of her people or a very interesting piece of the sweet little Quarian’s personality that we need to learn more about.

Finally, we clear out the Geth Armature with its massive cannon and can continue into the ruins. At this point, I just have to hope that Dr. Liara T’Soni is still alive since it’s clear that Saren has located her and wants her something fierce. 

Inside, we find a structure that looks like it should be filled with scientists at work, rounded rooms of sterile white tile built into the ruins, and stacked on top of each other. The harsh glow of the floodlights down here is muted by the soft blue glow of barriers preventing access to any of the rooms on this level.

The elevator seems like a sweet deal at first, but, of course, the thing breaks halfway through our ride down. Garrus growls in frustration and straps his rifle to his back so that he can step forward and break the doors open with a swift kick. I would have shot it, but considering the doors are solid steel, his way seems safer. 

“The thing is broken and still more efficient than the elevator on the Normandy,” he grumbles. 

“Yeah, that must have been the Turian part of the design,” I quip. 

He laughs as the door breaks open with a crash when he kicks a heavy boot backed up by an even heavier body through it. “Yeah, if it were human, we’d know. Poor thing would come way too fast.” 

“Oh, my God! You are goddamn incorrigible today,” I mock-snap even though it carries no heat through my laughter and Tali’s. 

“Oh, Keelah. You two are so much fun...and in so much trouble,” Tali teases us in a singsong voice before she leaves the elevator first, jumping to the platform smoothly. Garrus laughs and flashes a wink, motioning for me to follow her. I scan the area for Geth quickly before taking a moment to pause beside him. 

I wonder if it’s just my imagination that Garrus leans forward just slightly until his armor scrapes against mine, sending a tingle shooting right down my spine. My mind immediately goes to thinking about the noise our gear would make if I straddled him while we were wearing it. 

I make the jump mostly to get away from him for a second to clear my thoughts and focus. He follows, and we continue our way down, easily wiping out the rest of the Shock Troopers waiting for us. At ground level is another room with barriers up, but this one contains an Asari...floating?

“Well, that’s not something you see every day,” Tali mutters as we approach. 

When we get closer, I can hear that the Asari is calling to us. “Can you hear me out there? I’m trapped, I need help!” She gives us a second look, making the same face most people do when they see three aliens with guns, and then makes a sound like she’s going to cry. “By the Goddess, I’m hallucinating.” 

I note that she almost sounds like she’s scolding himself for hallucinating and wonder just how long she’s been trapped in the air. 

The Asari - T’Soni, I assume - laughs and is clearly on a roll now. “And talking to yourself, oh, Liara. You’re going to die in here.” 

“She might if she doesn’t shut up,” Garrus mutters, forcing me to hide a laugh. 

The last thing we need is to get caught from behind because the professor can’t get her shit together, but I can tell the poor thing has been traumatized. “Are you OK? We’re here to save you.” 

Liara takes a deep breath, and I hear her mumbling something else to the Goddess. She must decide that we’re real. “Listen. This thing I’m in is a Prothean security device. I cannot move, so I need you to get me out of it, right?”

Tali steps a little closer to it, obviously curious, and asks, “How did you end up in there anyway?” It’s a valid question, all things considered. 

“I was exploring the ruins when the Geth showed up,” she explains. “So, I hid in here. Can you believe that? Geth - beyond the Veil?” This girl has definitely been in underground ruins for far too long. “I activated the tower defenses; I knew the barrier curtains would keep them out. But when I turned it on, I must have hit something I wasn’t supposed to. Please get me out of here.” 

“We need your help,” I tell the Asari, wanting to feel her out on the whole thing before we go to the trouble of rescuing her. “Your mother is working with a rogue Spectre named Saren and is controlling the Geth. Frankly, I need to know what side you’re on in all this.” 

She blinks repeatedly at me. “What?” The shock in her voice strikes me immediately as genuine. “I am not on anybody’s side! I may be Benezia’s daughter, but I’m nothing like her, and I haven’t spoken to her at all in years. Please, I don’t want anything to do with this Saren or his Geth. Just get me out of here!” 

I hold my hands up and hope it’s reassuring. “OK, we’ll find some way to get past the energy curtain and help you. Just stay calm.” 

“There is a control in here that should deactivate this thing. Getting in...that’s the tricky part. The defenses cannot be shut off from the outside,” she informs us. “I don’t know how you’ll get in here, but...please, be careful. There was a Krogan with the Geth. They’ve been trying to find different ways to get past the barrier.” 

“Shepard.” I hadn’t even noticed Garrus walking away, but I turn to find him standing beyond the platform near an extremely large machine. “This is a drilling laser. I can probably figure out how to turn it on, and it’s pointing under that room. We could use it to get through to the other side.” 

“Nice find, figure it out,” I tell him. “Tali, be prepared for anything. It’s not going to be quiet, and we can expect that the Geth - and that Krogan - will come looking.” I turn back to the Asari and tell her, “Hang tight. We’re coming for you.” 

“I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a joke.” 

It takes me a moment to realize how insensitive it was, but I don’t really have time to worry about it now since Garrus already has the laser whirring to life. With a blast strong enough to rattle even the ground under our feet, the beam goes off and rips a hole right under the area where Liara is trapped. 

I lead the others through the hold and then into a lift, which takes us around behind Liara, where she’s trapped and floating in the Prothean barrier. “Alright. We need to get you out of there before more Geth show up.” 

“I’ve certainly seen enough of them to last a lifetime,” Liara notes. “The button should shut down my containment field,” she tells me, motioning as much as she can toward a console. 

“Shepard.” I turn back to Tali, who looks like she feels guilty, wringing her hands on her shotgun. “Are we sure she’s on our side? Her mother is working with Saren.” 

I know that Tali feels like she has a personal stake in this mission, both since Saren tried to kill her and because it involves the Geth. I also know that right now, Tali is worried she’s challenging me like Ash and Kaidan did this morning. 

“I am not my mother!” Liara exclaims, her voice rising much like Garrus’ did when he was terrified in the Mako. “I don’t know why Benezia joined a Spectre, and I don’t want anything to do with Geth!” 

I turn back to Liara and consider everything we know about her, about Saren. “If she was with Saren, the Geth probably wouldn’t be trying to kill her.” I give Garrus a nod, and he either trusts my judgment or thinks the same because he goes right to the console for the controls. 

It doesn’t release her gently, Liara slamming to the ground on all fours. She’ll survive. 

“And idea how we get out of this place?” 

“The elevator. It should take us out of here.” We let Liara lead us through the back of the ruins and onto a platform that appears to be stable enough to carry us up. It’s not going to be as simple as jumping off if this thing breaks. 

Liara is pacing, anxious. “I...I still can’t believe all of this. Why would the Geth come after me? Do you think Benezia is involved?”

I have to wince at the question and glance at Garrus, who looks just as uncomfortable with the thought of having to tell this person that her mother likely helped Saren find her. “Saren is looking for the Conduit, which he believes has something to do with the Protheans,” I explain. “You’re a Prothean expert...he probably wants your help.” 

“The Conduit...but, I don’t know - “ She’s cut off by a loud boom that rattles the floor under us. 

“What the hell was that?” Garrus demands. 

I don’t know if he steps closer to me because he’s concerned or just from instinct. Either way, it makes me feel a little safer. But I’ll never admit that. 

“These ruins aren’t stable,” Liara tells us. “That mining laser must have triggered a seismic event. This whole place is caving in.” 

“Oh. Good.” Garrus chuckles softly at the sarcasm in my tone, but I can tell he’s anxious. “Joker! Get the Normandy airborne and lock in on my signal - on the double!” 

Joker responds right away. “Aye, aye, Commander. Secure and away. ETA eight minutes.” 

“That is not a big margin of error,” Tali says softly.

The Turian takes a much more direct route and talks to the pilot through our comms. “Joker, if I die in here, I will kill you.”

Joker just laughs as Liara gets the elevator moving, and I say a quick thanks to whatever entities might be listening that it moves faster than the one on the Normandy. Another boom and quake have my nerves on edge. 

It reaches the top level and stops...just as a huge Krogan marches toward us with three well-equipped Geth. I have to hold up a hand to stop Garrus from immediately advancing on them. 

“Surrender,” the Krogan calls to us as they fan out to prevent our exit. “Or don’t. That would be more fun.” 

I have half a mind to try and talk him down until there’s another loud bang, this one sending rocks crumbling down around us. This is not how I go down...I’m far too sexually frustrated to die right now, that would just be unfair. “I don’t have time for this. Get him.” 

“I like your attitude,” the Krogan laughs. He shouts an order for his Geth troopers to attack, and we launch into a firefight. Garrus and Tali get right down to business, but even while her hands glow with biotic power, the Asari professor just freezes in terror - while multiple people are shooting at her. 

“Shepard, the Asari!” Garrus shouts. 

“I know, I need you to cover me - I have to get her.” 

“Are you nuts?” 

Instead of just responding to the question, I hope that it’s rhetorical and throw a biotic blast toward the Geth closing in on Liara. He goes flying, and Garrus steps up, firing on the Krogan, who has spotted me. I focus only on grabbing Liara, and she’s easy to drag behind cover since she’s in total shock. 

Just before I can maneuver her around a console for some safety, my shields take a hard enough hit to launch me forward. I hit the ground on my shoulder and hear a crunch, stars exploding behind my eyes with the pain. 

“Son of a bitch!” I hear Garrus growl as I shake it off. 

“Garrus!” 

The way Tali shouts his name terrifies me, and I whirl around with my heart in my throat just in time to see the Turian hurl himself at the Krogan. Using his size and speed as an advantage against a two-ton, heavily armored enemy, Garrus manages to take his opponent to the ground and then unloads his pistol right into the Krogan’s face. The Krogan has no shot at regeneration now, effectively ending the fight. 

“Shepard, are you OK?” Garrus calls like he didn’t just risk his life. 

“Who’s nuts now, Vakarian?” I demand, dragging the Asari to her feet. For some reason, the quiet seems to have made her panic worse, and one look in her eyes tells me that the lucid professor is gone for now. “OK, you’ve gotta grab her, big guy. We need to run like hell.” 

My shoulder is throbbing from the fall, but I shove Liara toward Garrus; he slings the woman over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I stay behind the three of them, Tali in the lead, and we run as fast as we can over the scaffolding and toward the entrance we used to get in here. 

The ruins are crumbling down around us, huge chunks of rock falling everywhere, and the roar of collapse almost deafening. I see Tali exit, and then Garrus pauses at the door to look back for me. I’m only a few steps behind, but the scaffolding gives way very suddenly, and I can feel it collapsing under me. I watch Garrus shove Liara through the door and then run back for me, extending an arm long enough that I can grab hold and jump with him. 

We bolt the second I land and cross outside as a violent blast sends everything sideways. My feet go out from under me, and I hit something hard, tumbling down the ramp like I used to roll down grassy hills as a kid, and moving so fast I can’t see anything at all. 

When it stops, I need a full second to realize that I’ve landed underneath Garrus. 

And then I need at least a couple more seconds to get my heart beating again when I register his body on top of mine, impossibly blue eyes staring down at me...flicking toward my mouth. I can’t even begin to explain how just knowing he wants me can set fire in my veins, heat building down through my core. 

What he wants is pretty obvious in his gaze, and I’m confident that if I let him, Garrus would take me right here. The problem is that I want to let him. I want so very much to let him. 

“Keelah, I was worried you weren’t going to make it.” Tali’s voice snaps both of us out of the trance, and Garrus shifts off of me quickly. It’s not like I could feel the heat of his body through our armor, but without him, I feel cold somehow. 

He extends a hand down to help me up, and I accept it with the uninjured arm. We still have to rush onto the Normandy, but once inside with Joker taking off and away from the volcano erupting, all four us pretty much collapse in the airlock. I catch my breath while telling Joker to have the crew assemble in the comm room, Tali guiding Liara there already. 

“Shepard, you were hurt,” Garrus notes, choosing to wait for me instead. 

“Just popped my shoulder, it’s not a big deal,” I assure him. I’m certain of the injury now that I can feel a little more, my adrenaline slowing. We reach the doors to the Comm Room, but Garrus doesn’t let me go in, catching my uninjured arm instead. 

“Let me see it.” His tone is firm but not pushy. The guy is definitely my equal in walking that line with insubordination...and I like it. When Garrus notices my narrowed eyes, he smirks and reaches out to tuck a curl behind my ear. He tugs the lobe gently as his hand falls away, and just like that, I melt. “Please? We both know it’ll feel better if I put it back in.” 

“OK.” 

Pathetic. I wonder just how much Garrus could get me to agree to with that touch, that voice, and that damned smile of his. I kind of want to find out. 

Garrus quickly works through the seals on my chest plates and arms, leaning them against the wall with all the care I’d expect a soldier to take with armor. I try to hide my wince when I have to shift my shoulder to get out of the armor completely, and Garrus’ mandibles press tight to his face on a frown. “His shields regenerated faster than I thought they wouldn’t,” he murmurs. “I should have been able to take him down faster.” 

It takes me a second to realize that he’s scolding himself while very gently examining my shoulder, and the notion makes me laugh. 

“Garrus. You took on a Krogan hand-to-hand because he knocked me down - and you kicked his ass. I think you did more than enough.” 

“You still got hurt.” 

I open my mouth to respond, but all the air leaves me when Garrus snaps my shoulder into place, wisely not giving me any warning or opportunity to tense. After the initial sharpness, I’m flooded with relief from almost all pain. 

“And now you’ve fixed me,” I assure him, finally getting him to meet my gaze while I rotate the joint. “A couple analgesics and it’ll be like nothing ever happened. Except that, again, you kicked a Krogan’s ass to defend me. So. Thanks.” 

I can tell he would prefer to beat himself up, but Garrus allows a small smile and then nods. “Anytime, Elle.” 

A throat clearing makes us both jump - which I didn’t know could happen to a Turian with super senses - and my heart sinks when our audience makes itself known. Kaidan looks like he might cry while I think Ashley would punch Garrus if she wasn’t afraid he’d airlock her. Behind them, Wrex is smiling like the cat who caught the canary. 

“I’m sorry, were you ordered to the hallway or the Comm Room? Get in there!” I snap at them, pointing through the doors where any damn one of them could have walked without watching. I hate knowing that my face is red while they walk past us, the Krogan laughing the whole way, and I hate even more that I can’t bring myself to look at Garrus again when I follow them. 

I hate that the Asari is so useless in a firefight more than anything. 

My opinion of her doesn’t improve despite her clear expertise with the Reapers after she joins with me. It’s entirely uncomfortable; I’m seeing the vision from the Prothean beacon enough in my nightmares, I don’t need to be dragged back through it while conscious. It doesn’t help, only exhausts her, and I dismiss the whole squad mostly just to get some quiet in my head. 

The effort is useless since they haven’t even left the room before Joker tells me that the Council is waiting for me to check-in and brief them on the mission. I’d like to tell the Council to shove it or at least make them wait, but since this is the first major mission I’ve completed as a Spectre, it would probably make a bad impression. 

“Patch them through, Joker, And then have someone pour me a drink.” 

“I like your style, Shep. Incoming.” 

A hologram of the three Councilors appears, the Asari again flanked on either side by her Turian and Salarian counterparts. She is the first to speak. “We’ve received your report, Commander. I understand Dr. T’Soni is on the Normandy.” 

“I assume you’re taking the necessary security precautions?” Sparatus checks. His dual-tone carries even over the comms, but I don’t enjoy his voice nearly as much as a certain blue-eyed Turian. Good to know I’m not just developing a fetish, I suppose. 

“Liara’s on our side,” I assure them. “The Geth were trying to kill her.” 

Tevos seems shocked and almost even offended by that. “Benezia would never allow Saren to kill her daughter.” As an Asari, she seems to have some knowledge of their Matriarchs in general, but I can’t help but wonder if her association with Benezia is more personal. 

“Maybe she doesn’t know,” Valern suggests, blinking huge wet Salarian eyes at Tevos. 

Sparatus isn’t quite as kind and definitely more blunt when he suggestions, “Or maybe we don’t know her. We never expected Saren could become a traitor, either.” 

“At least the mission was a success.” It’s the first time Valerns has ever said anything close to praise for me, so I’m pleasantly surprised by it. 

“Apart from the utter destruction of a major Prothean ruin,” Sparatus chimes in, seriously the spoilsport today. “Was that really necessary, Shepard?” 

I blink at him. “That place was crawling with Geth, and my team barely made it out alive. And it was, you know, sitting on a volcano. It’s not my fault the Protheans were shit at real estate development.” 

“Of course, Commander,” Valern interjects. If I thought any of them was capable of laughing, I might think he was actually chuckling a little. “The mission must always take priority.” 

Tevos nods. “Good luck, Commander. Remember: we’re all counting on you.” 

With that, they end the connection, and I’m left staring through the window and wearing all the pressure of the Council - and the galaxy - counting on me. 

I have half a mind to call Anderson and tell him to take his ship back. 

It’s damn easy to feel alone in this, standing in the empty and almost hollow space of the Comm Room. Without the comms running, it’s dark in here, and I can almost feel that darkness creeping in on me. This sort of cold loneliness reminds me of how I felt on Akuze after watching my whole team get ripped apart, how every day felt in the hands of the slavers that kidnapped me and killed my family. 

Alone and unsure rescue was ever coming, surviving felt like a responsibility instead of...well, instead of a good thing. 

The realization hits me hard and fast. I don’t need whiskey. 

I need a friend.


	5. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments and kudos are feeding my soul. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading.

I wrestle with myself over messaging Shepard for all of thirty seconds after leaving the Comm Room, and then I send the message anyway. 

I hated watching her get hurt today, hated how scared it made me feel. I considered Shepard important and a friend before joining her crew; back then, I had no choice but to let her go and hope she’d make it back so I could see her again. Now she’s on the same ship, and I have no excuse to hide. 

I’m no good at putting myself out there, but Shepard looked totally drained after joining with our Asari rescue during the debrief earlier. It’s a look I’ve seen on others before. It’s a look that said she’s starting to feel the weight of the burden she’s bearing. 

Everyone deserves to be reminded that they have friends to hold some of that burden. 

**I’m not just coming onto you...but I thought you’d want to know I have all the Blasto movies on my Tool.**

Shepard’s quick response makes me laugh.

**Not JUST coming on to me...so you’re coming onto me at least a little, right? My quarters, half an hour.**  
**Please.**

The invitation to her quarters unnerves me a little. We’ve spent enough time around each other in the last few weeks that at least some of the crew is talking about it. She even waited to have dinner the other day until I was available to join her, long after the rest of the crew had finished. Of course, Kaidan crashed the meal and ended up taking over the conversation by whining about his biotic implant and headaches.

Shepard hasn’t made it a secret she likes my company, but going to her quarters alone with her feels...different. Public. 

I’m not about to deny her, so I leave the diagnostics system to run on the Mako and gather what I need to take a shower upstairs. On a Turian ship, I wouldn’t bother with bringing clothes or a towel with me, but I learned in C-Sec how prudish humans are about nudity. With what I need, I head for the elevators and meet Ashley Williams at the doors. 

She’s carrying a small bag as well, and her hair is down. I note that her hair is dark brown and straight, almost thin in appearance, and very different from Shepard’s thick red waves. Turian men have different lengths to our fringes, but it’s all basically the same idea. Humans vary so much. 

“Oh. Are you heading up to the showers?” 

“I am,” I respond, noting her discomfort immediately. 

It’s a ship, and she’s definitely served on them before. Communal showers are a pretty common thing, and I know I’ve seen her in there with at least Alenko after missions...but maybe just Alenko and the other humans on the crew, now that I think about it. I quickly rack my brain for an instance when Ashley has ever showered with the alien crew after a mission or at the end of the day. I come up empty. 

“Williams. You do realize that there are walls; I can’t see anything. And...don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to.” 

She narrows her eyes at me. “Not interested in humans, Vakarian?”

“I didn’t say that. I’m just not interested in people who are so disgusted by alien bodies that they can’t maintain normal ship operations.” Her mouth snaps shut at the same moment that the elevator doors open, and I step on ahead of her, pretty sure that she’s not going to be following me. 

“Hold the door,” Wrex’s gravelly voice calls. I do, and he joins me a second later, also aiming for the showers by the looks of him. Ashley’s face pales now, and I know why; Wrex doesn’t care whether it makes the humans nervous. The Krogan will come back down here naked and proud. 

Ashley has to respond to what she knows damn well was a challenge or run like a coward...and I have to admit my surprise when she jumps onto the elevator with us just before the doors close. 

The human is entirely silent in the showers and finishes so quickly I’m surprised she even managed to get wet before casting me a cocky look and practically running from the room. “Humans are so strange,” I muse out loud to Wrex. 

Shepard is clearly attracted to me and invited me to her quarters while Ashley can barely stand to be in the same space. Turians may have cultural reservations about sleeping with humans, but all of the Turian men I know generally agree on what makes a mate attractive, regardless of species. I’ve seen the way Turian men on the Citadel look at Shepard. 

Which reminds me to keep Shepard the hell away from all of them if we ever go back to Palaven or to the Citadel. 

“The Asari had eyes for you in the debriefing,” Wrex informs me. I frown and glance over at him, skeptical and a little weirded out. “You would have noticed if you could see anything but Shepard.” 

That makes me laugh. “Watch it, Wrex. People might start to suspect that you’re jealous.” 

Wrex barks out his laughter, and it’s immediately contagious. I appreciate the relaxation before having to walk into Shepard’s quarters when other people might see me. The last thing I want is to appear nervous when I show up, not in front of her. 

I change into the civvies I brought with me and use a temporary locker to store my things for now so that I can head right for Shepard’s quarters. It’s just my luck that almost the whole crew is in Mess Hall...or it’s dinner time, and I’d totally forgotten that with my thoughts focused around the gorgeous redhead now smiling at me. 

“I like that you’re early, Vakarian,” she teases me. 

“Now there’s a compliment I don’t hear often.” She chuckles but rolls her eyes at me, and I hope I look casual when I walk across Mess Hall to her. 

“Early? Early for what?” It takes all of my self-control not to roll my eyes at Alenko. The guy acts like a lost varren pup, fawning all over Shepard like he’d do anything for a pat on the head or a treat. 

I don’t answer him, mostly because I want to see if Shepard does. I didn’t miss how red her face got earlier when we were caught talking after I fixed her shoulder. It’s a big contrast from that to inviting me to her quarters in front of the crew, so I’m half expecting her to lie. 

Once again, Shepard doesn’t disappoint. “Garrus and I are marathoning quality cinema tonight,” she informs them like hanging out with a Turian is perfectly natural for a human commanding officer. 

“She finally roped you into watching Blasto with her, huh?” Joker quips. 

“I’ll have you know that movie choice was all him!” Shepard protests, holding a knife out to threaten the pilot with. 

I notice then that she has two trays in front of her loaded with various snack foods - both dextro and levo-friendly. At my raised brow plate, Shepard explains, “It’s not all for me. I thought we’d eat dinner in my quarters...and by eat dinner, I mean binge on snacks, and you can try peanut butter.” 

Ashley Williams clears her throat awkwardly, almost painfully, like she might be choking on her water. “You’re, uh...watching movies in your quarters? Like a...date?”

My hands flex instinctively, and I have to hold my breath to try and quell the blush I can feel rising in my throat. 

This is exactly what Shepard didn’t want. It was ground rule number one; we’re supposed to keep this between us. I don’t want her to reject me now. 

Instead of getting flustered, Shepard just laughs and shrugs it off. “Garrus and I have been friends for a while, and I had a shit day. We’re hanging out. You can do with that what you will, Ash.” Holding one tray in each hand, Shepard turns toward me. “Ready, big guy?”

I take one of the trays from her and nod, giving the rest of the crew a brief wave before following Shepard down the hall to her quarters. It feels odd having so many suspicious eyes at my back, but the sight of Shepard’s ass in form-fitting civilian pants is an excellent distraction. I force my eyes away from that because an erection is going to be impossible to hide without armor, and my intention for reaching out tonight was because I thought she needed a friend. 

I want her to know I can be that person. 

So I need to control the urge to fuck her.

“Pretty surprised you suggested your quarters, Shepard,” I tell her honestly when we’re out of earshot. “You know that this is going to start talk around the ship, right?”

Shepard just shrugs her shoulders and enters the code to open her doors as she tells me, “You’re my friend, and I need that now. Frankly, you’ve been a pretty great friend. So...let them talk about that.” 

“Just about that?” I step through the doors behind her and pause, taking in the space when I realize this is my first time inside. It would have been Captain Anderson’s before it was Shepard’s and seems much more his style, very utilitarian. Almost Turian, except we have bigger beds...though this one is still big enough for two. 

I force my eyes from the bed and note the two chairs and table that make up the seating area as well as the desk, which is the only messy space in the entire room. She has a model ship sitting on the table, which she moves to replace with her tray and then motions for me to take the other chair. 

“Just about that. Anything else is more than they need to know.” She gives me an impish wink and settles down into the chair opposite me. With the agreement made that we’re allowed to be good friends in public and the understanding that the rest is just for us, I fire up the movies on her screen. 

Shepard is so damn easy to spend time with. She’s funny and easy-going, even if her taste in moves is shit, and she matches me on every single level. That’s something I’ve never found in a woman before, something I didn’t even know I was looking for. She seems to delight in the fact that I find peanut butter delicious, and I’m pretty thrilled myself when she admits the Palaven Ale she brought me is better than human beer.

It’s like hanging out with one of my friends, simple and fun, with no pleasure. Except that we’re accidentally-on-purpose brushing hands, and every time she looks at me, the air sparks to life between us. 

“OK, that’s enough,” Shepard snaps when her terminal dings with an email for what feels like the hundredth time in the last couple of hours. She passes in front of me to reach the desk and trails that intoxicating scent of hers as she goes. 

“Enough?” I repeat, deciding to test the waters before getting rejected. “I thought we hadn’t even gotten started.” 

Shepard laughs softly and glances back at me with a smile before reaching her desk. When she leans onto the desk - which is totally unnecessary for reaching the terminal or the keyboard - I know that her purpose is giving me a view of her ass. And it’s a damn good view. 

I’m on my feet, answering the siren call of her body before I realize I’d decided to move. 

She gasps when my hands slide over her hips from behind, and when she doesn’t pull away, I step closer so that her ass meets the cradle of my hips. Heat floods me instantly at the sight of her bent in front of me, even fully clothed. Just the memory of her body is enough to make me feel crazed. 

“Is this you getting started?” she asks, trying to sound casual even though her voice is already husky with lust. It’s a heady feeling to know that I can bring the same response in her that she has on me. 

I guide her to straighten when the terminal clicks off so that her back is flush against me and slide my hands slowly around her waist, dragging my talons gently along the inch of separation between her shirt and pants. It’s not nearly enough contact with her soft, warm skin, and I know Shepard feels the same when she slumps heavily back into me. 

“This is me...reacquainting us. I’ve missed you. One week since the Mako - “ She giggles at my mention of our last time together, “ - and I’m losing my mind. And now you’re teasing me.” 

“What? I am not!” 

“Really? So you didn’t walk over here and lean down in front of me to make me drool over your ass?” I lick slowly up her neck, savoring the sweet taste of her skin. I can’t wait to make her sweat and taste the way her skin changes. 

I want to taste every inch of this woman, I have desperately from the first time I touched her. And tonight I intend to do just that. 

Shepard giggles softly, the sound so unlike the woman who was destroying Geth on an alien planet earlier today that it makes me feel honored that I get to hear it. 

“Yeah, well. Maybe I missed you, too.” 

I hate the way her confession makes my hands shake. 

She turns her head and catches my mandibles in her mouth, licking over the end. I capture her mouth with mine, and Shepard returns all the heat I give her in the kiss, her hand slipping under my fringe to massage a spot she knows drives me wild. 

“Mmm. I like the taste of peanut butter even more this way.” 

Shepard whimpers against my mouth, and I have to tense my arm to keep her knees from buckling. I slip one hand between us and undo her bra deftly, getting that damn thing keeping me from her breasts out of my way. When they’re free, I shove both hands up her shirt and grope her chest just as roughly as I’m kissing her mouth. Shepard arches into the touch, rewarding me with even more of her. 

I tease her nipples with one hand and drag the talons of the other down her stomach, feeling the muscles under her soft skin tense and bunch under the touch. She shudders and whispers my name at the same time her hand tugs on my fringe, and I go from very aroused to extremely hard, all in a rush. My cock surges from behind my plates with desperation. 

Shepard notices, feeling it suddenly pressed against her ass, and tortures me by rolling her hips back into me. That incredible ass rounding on my hard-on makes it throb almost painfully. 

I nip gently at the skin on her neck and bask in the sound of her soft moan. The button on her pants pops open easily, and she thrusts her hips forward into my hand before I even touch her. “Eager, are we? You really did miss me.” 

“Don’t get cocky when I can feel just how badly you missed me.” It would be more forceful if her head wasn’t lolling back on my shoulder while I kiss over her neck and play with her breasts. 

“Oh, Shepard. I can’t wait to feel how badly you missed me.” I punctuate the promise by pushing my hand further into the front of her pants, and she grips the back of my head harder when my fingers graze her heat. Fuck. “Ah you’re so wet, so ready for me. Tell me what you want.” 

“Garrus…” I can hear and smell her arousal, but she tenses just enough for me to feel it, to get a sense that talking isn’t something she’s used to. 

“It’s OK,” I breathe into her ear, nuzzling her face with mine and dragging my mouth along hers. “Just relax, listen to me. I’ve got you.” 

She makes a sound almost like a whimper and nods. “Christ, Garrus. You could get me off with just your voice, I swear.” 

I laugh and nip her ear softly. “We’ll give that a try someday. I have something else new in mind tonight, though.” I slide my hand lower so that I can press the tip of my finger gently against her clit, and Shepard’s legs shake. “I’m gonna need you to tell me that I’m doing it right, though.” 

“I think it’s pretty clear you know what you’re doing,” she pants, actually growling a little when I start to pull my hand away. I think the only reason she doesn’t bite me is that I guide her to turn around. I wanted to kiss her, but I’m caught off guard by the sight of her, eyes bright and cheeks flushed. 

I’ve never met a woman so beautiful.

“Is staring at me the new thing?” she asks, cocking her head a little and giving me a playful scowl. 

“No,” I laugh. “I’m just counting my blessings for a moment. Stop ruining it by talking.” 

Shepard’s laugh is cut off when I yank her up onto her toes so that I can kiss her properly, her lips parting eagerly for me. She runs her tongue along the bottom of my mouth plate, and I feel my talons dig into her arms when I fight for control. 

“You’re holding back on me tonight, Vakarian,” she murmurs between kisses, hand still playing behind my fringe. 

“I want to slam you down on the desk and make you scream so loud that the whole damn crew hears you say my fucking name, so you should be grateful I’m holding back.” 

Shepard balks a little at that, and I try not to panic since I didn’t really mean to say it. For a second, I think she’s going to scold me, give me a lecture about keeping us private, but then she throws her arms around my neck and kisses me even harder. 

I didn’t realize I was nervous until she said it. I have been holding back - and I haven’t been scared of something sexual since I was twelve. Shepard, however, has no reserve tonight, and it’s driving me nuts. 

It makes me so much more intent on making her fall apart for me, making sure she never forgets tonight or how I make her feel.

“Elle. Do you trust me?” Shepard pulls back just a little, looking up at me with apprehension now. I laugh and kiss her quickly. “Don’t think about it, just answer. Do you trust me?”

“With my life.” 

When she’s not overthinking, the answer comes fast and sure. So much that it surprises me...for about a second and then I shake it off, grow the hell up, and yank her up against me. 

Shepard comes willingly, moaning against my mouth when I lift her by the thighs to pull her legs around my hips. She seems surprised when I put her back down on the desk instead of carrying her to the bed. That’ll come later. For now, I step between her legs and tug her hips to the very edge of the desk where she can feel my arousal. 

The damned little human goes right for my pants and tries again after I push her hands away. “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be really mean and tease me?” 

“Is this the great Commander Shepard whining?” I pin her hands to the desk at either side of her hips and lean forward, running my tongue slowly over her throat. “It’s kind of making me wanna hear you beg for me.” 

“That makes me wanna kick you in the quad.” 

“That would sound a lot more threatening if you weren’t panting, baby.” I’m grateful her skin is within reach of my mouth so that I have something to bite down on instead of cursing myself for the pet name that slips me when I’m with her. I feel Shepard’s hands tense under mine on the desk, and I release them because if she wants to shove me away, I won’t stop her. 

Instead of moving me away because I’m an idiot and I say stupid things when she’s got me going, Shepard tears off her shirt and tosses it aside before grabbing my shoulders and tilting her head to give me more access. That small sign of submission drives me wild, especially from such a strong woman...but I need more. 

“Put your hands on the desk shelf behind you.” Shepard tenses a little but doesn’t move immediately, and I push her hands away to step back. 

“What are you - “ 

“Put your hands on the desk shelf behind you.” I enunciate every word clearly when I repeat it, making it clear that this is an order. “Now.” I add the last part because I’m dying to see how she responds to a real challenge.

Shepard watches me for a moment, trying to figure out if I’m serious or not. I’m trying to figure out if she’ll do it. 

Green eyes narrow at me so quickly I almost miss it, and then I swear I can feel the whole galaxy click into place for me when the Commander Shepard follows my command and extends her arms behind her. With her ass on the edge of the desk, where I put her, the position creates a magnificent curve to her spine. 

“Spirits, you’re unbelievable.” 

“Please just don’t leave me like this now.” 

I manage to drag my eyes up from the perfectly smooth skin on her waist and the swell of her breasts, only to find something that looks like fear on Shepard’s face. It occurs to me that I put her into the vulnerable position intentionally and didn’t realize it would, in fact, make her feel...vulnerable. 

I step close to her again and capture her face between my hands before kissing her. “I’m right here,” I promise. I bump her nose with mine. “I’ve got you.” 

Shepard flashes a gorgeous smile and meets my next kiss, then her head falls back on a moan when I move my hands and mouth to her breasts. I’m not actually sure she realizes I’m taking her pants off until they’re gone, and she has to rest her ass back down on the cold desk. 

“Don’t move.” I give the command while speaking into her skin, dragging my mouth over her stomach and then down to her hips while I kneel in front of her. I hear her gasp, but my heart has started pounding in my throat, and I realize I’m nervous at the worst possible moment...the very moment when I have to take action. 

I might back out, do something I know I’m good at instead of trying something new, but then the scent of her arousal reaches me. Fuck. She smells incredible, and every bit of me knows for certain at that moment that she’s going to taste even better. I lick and nip over her leg, my best imitation of a kiss, starting at her knee and slowly moving toward the center of her thighs. 

“Garrus, oh God,” she gasps out when I let my mouth plates brush her core before moving to her other leg and kissing in reverse. Her breathing is getting even faster, and her hips are starting to churn even though I can tell she’s trying hard to obey me and not move. 

“Don’t move...and don’t be afraid to tell me if it feels good.”

My voice has gone to some deep place I don’t even recognize, my subtones are flanging wildly, and my pants are going to rip if my cock gets any harder, but I force myself to move slowly back up her leg. It’s just too much fun to play with her. 

And maybe Shepard isn’t the only one feeling vulnerable.

The way Shepard keeps moaning and gasping my name is one hell of an ego boost, so I go for it and run my tongue up her slit slowly. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but the taste of this woman is unlike anything I’ve ever had before. 

Fear and vulnerability leave me in a flood, replaced by an intense need to devour her. 

Garrus Vakarian does a lot of things really well. 

He’s a hell of a shot, a born strategist in battle. He’s a kick-ass engineer and mechanic - he’d have to be to repair the shit I do to the Mako. He can throw down with a Krogan without batting an eye and come out on the other side, smiling. God knows he’s ridiculously good in bed. 

Garrus has many talents, but it’s impossible that Garrus is better at anything than he is at this. 

The man seemed nervous when he first knelt between my legs, so much it scared me a little, and I’m not sure what changed but...holy crap. The Turian sniper eats me like a man starved, his tongue long and flexible and so...fucking...perfect. I feel like I’ve totally lost my mind when he starts to fuck me on his tongue, that rough texture massaging exactly where I need him. 

I’m desperate to stay still just because he told me to, even though normally an order is nothing more than a challenge for me, but I can’t help grinding my hips against his mouth plates. His growls vibrate through me, his hunger evident in every sound, and it only turns me on more. The first orgasm crashes down on me almost violently, everything inside me exploding with a glorious heat with Garrus on his knees in front of me, lapping it all up. 

I expect him to stop, but he doesn’t seem to have any interest in that. One hand slides up to grope my breast while he dips a finger from his free hand inside me. 

His strong and flexible tongue swirls and flicks my clit while his hand pumps slowly inside me, and it’ll be a miracle if the entire ship doesn’t hear me. My world narrows to Garrus and how he’s making me feel, which is probably for the best because God knows what I’m saying, what I’m begging him for when I’d let this man do literally anything to me right now. 

The second orgasm is even more intense, and I beg him to stop when I’m certain that another one will kill me. When he doesn’t stop, I try pushing him away weakly. “I can’t - I can’t, Garrus, please.” 

“Oh, you can, baby,” he growls without pulling his mouth away from my body. “Give me one more, Elle, let me taste one more. And then I’ll fuck you all night.” 

Actual, real-life tears escape me when the third orgasm builds, soft but somehow no less intense, and Garrus guides me over the edge with his tongue swiping slowly back and forth. I find my hands fisted around the spikes of his fringe when I start to come back down, and I don’t even remember moving them off the shelf behind me. 

I can feel Garrus smiling against my thigh, where he’s softly nipping the sensitive skin. “Don’t be smug,” I manage to gasp out. 

“I’m not smug,” he argues, now kissing back up my body over my hips and stomach. “I think I might literally be high on you.” His mouth brushes over mine, and I seek him eagerly, not caring that I can taste myself on him. “Also, just so we’re clear...next time you move when I tell you not to, I will punish you for it.” 

“P-punish?” I stammer. My heart has leaped very suddenly into my throat and is making it hard to breathe. It’s either that or the sudden death force clench that my core is practicing. 

“Mmhmm,” he breathes, running his nose softly along my jaw. “And I promise you’ll enjoy it.” My whole body shudders when he rocks his erection into me. 

I kind of love that he’s still completely dressed and intensely turned on while I’m in front of him, naked and nearly melted. It means all of his focus was on me. Everything about what just happened was about my pleasure, my enjoyment. It was all about Garrus lifting the entire burden of today and even the mission as a whole from my shoulders, letting me focus on nothing but feeling amazing. 

“Garrus, I…” I have no idea what I started to say, what I even want to say. 

What do you say to someone this amazing?

When I pause, Garrus lifts his head and raises blue eyes to meet mine. Anything that I have decided to say seems irrelevant, so I kiss him instead. He doesn’t resist, his hands sliding around my back and pulling me up against him. I want to feel the warmth of his body, the unique texture of his plates against my hypersensitive skin. I think I’ll have to start giving him orders if Garrus keeps me from stripping him this time, but he doesn’t resist. 

I tear through his clothing with a fervor that surprises even me, and he helps, raising his arms so that I can yank his shirt off and toss it aside. When I get his pants down, still kissing him because I can’t stand the thought of not kissing him right now, Garrus helps me shove them down. I manage to get them caught on his leg spurs because fucking leg spurs and can’t help laughing when I feel him smile against my mouth before he has to lean down to untangle. 

“What the hell do you even have those for?” I demand. 

“Same reasons Turians have everything, Shepard,” he returns, yanking his pants off and tossing them aside haphazardly. “Fucking and fighting.” 

I blink but don’t have time for anything else before he’s back at my mouth, kissing me hard. The entire body of the man in my arms, this man who is wrapped up in me and so fantastically proved his devotion to me, is built for bringing me to my knees. 

Instead of doing just that, Garrus suddenly lifts me from the desk and pulls my legs around his waist. I think he’s going for the bed, and my stomach flops at the intimacy of that right now, but he moves to the wall. With my back pressed into it, Garrus rolls his hips into mine and his erection throbs. 

“God. That really turned you on, didn’t it?”

“Watching you fall apart for me? Spirits, yes.” He kisses me again, hard, and I hold tight while sliding my hands around his head to the spot under his fringe that makes his whole body heat up. 

“Come apart with me this time,” I whisper into his ear, my legs shaking with anticipation and need to have him inside me. 

Garrus moans but then shifts, pressing me harder into the wall and moving his left arm under my leg. I have to hold onto his neck tighter when he does the same with the right arm, holding my knees over his elbows with my ass resting on his hands. 

He steps away from the wall, now holding all of my weight and me in a very precarious position, and my stomach flops for a whole new reason. 

“Garrus! What are you doing?” 

“Hush,” he murmurs, brushing over my lips and using that deeper register of his voice that he knows I like so much. “I’ve got you.” 

Using only his arms, Garrus pulls my body forward - toward his - until I can feel the head of his cock against me. He doesn’t stop, bringing our bodies together slowly. The angle is intense, and the pressure inside me is exquisite, nearly bent in half and stretched wide around Garrus’ cock deep inside me. I feel my head fall back when the room spins a little with the sensation. I think I might be screaming, but I can’t really tell. 

Garrus takes a moment, growling and panting hard. “Ready?” he asks. 

“Ready...for what?” I gasp out, eyeing him. 

The smile full of promise and danger that Garrus flashes is my only warning. 

Instead of answering, he pulls my hips back up the length of his shaft and then yanks me back down until our hips meet with a loud smack. Smart man that he is, Garrus kisses me just in time to swallow my scream - one I’m certain escapes me this time as his cock impales me. He doesn’t quit, doesn’t slow, fucking me right there in the air while I’m totally helpless. 

Garrus thrusts his hips forward every time he pulls me down and drills into the perfect spot, exactly where I need him...where I didn’t know I needed to be touched and now where I so desperately need this man all the time. 

“Fuck, Shepard, I can feel you starting to cum. Oh, Spirits, you squeeze me so tight.” 

He buries his face in my throat, not stopping or slowing, but I can feel that he’s trying his best not to let go just yet. It amazes me to share pleasure this way with someone, that it feels so much like his body was meant for mine. That thought scares me, so I drown it and focus on nothing but the sensation, the orgasm building inside me, begging him to give it to me with his name on my lips. 

“I’m gonna cum so hard for you, Elle,” he whispers against my neck, his body shaking slightly. “Come on, baby, cum with me. Now.” 

I have no way to explain why my body has become so attuned to his demands of it, but I don’t care, a blissful and intense release washing over me. Garrus shudders violently and snarls before holding himself inside me, our bodies flush and his cock pulsing his release deep inside me. 

When I start to come down from the high, I can feel the evidence of what we’ve done dripping down my thighs, and something about that makes me feel absolutely ravished in the best possible way. 

Now that he’s spent, Garrus’ strength seems to fade quickly, and he makes rapid strides to my bed before falling onto it with me in his arms so that we’re both resting on our sides. I refuse to be empty during the aftershocks or miss out on his, so I keep a hold on his neck and rest one leg over his hips so that we can stay completely connected. 

I couldn’t possibly let go of him right now. I’m not sure I ever want to. 

“Yeah, once a week is not going to work for me anymore,” Shepard mutters, eyes closed, and her face still glowing in post-orgasm bliss. 

I laugh and push the hair back from her forehead. I could touch my forehead to hers easily from his angle...I shake the thought off quickly. Inappropriate and ridiculous. It’s not like that between us. And Shepard wouldn’t even know what it meant, that’s unfair. 

I’m only thinking this way because of the incredible sex because she makes me feel...everything. It’s just sex, Vakarian. 

I slowly pull out of her and then roll onto my back, where I can catch my breath and clear my head. Shepard stretches out beside me, making me smile with her happy moan. “God, I needed that.” 

“Oh, you’re welcome. Leave the money on the table and go.” 

She laughs, that hard and free laugh I like so much, but elbows my side as punishment. I’m always amazed that the laughter, our friendship, is just easy after. I’ve never been able to maintain a friendship with a woman I’m sleeping with - I’ve never actually wanted to. 

I’m not sure what so different about or...or if it’s good for me. 

“I mean it, though,” Shepard says, taking me from my thoughts. She rests her hand on top of mine and then tangles our fingers together, turning her head to meet my gaze. “It was a tough day, and the Council really didn’t make it any better. I was getting really stressed out, and now I just…” 

She trails off in a shrug, and I don’t make her say any more about it. 

“You couldn’t do this without me, Elle, I know.” Another laugh, and she rolls pretty green eyes before leaning forward to kiss me again. I follow her to sit up after a moment, enjoying that loose feeling only fantastic sex can give me. “Can I use your bathroom?” 

“Of course. Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“You just did,” I call back over my shoulder on the way to clean myself up. 

“Hilarious. Is there a purpose to being designed that way. With it hidden behind plates until you’re...ready?” I chuckle to myself at her inability to actually use the words. I’ve learned that humans aren’t nearly as comfortable discussing sex and sexuality as Turians. 

“There are lots of purposes. What happens when you kick a human guy between the legs, Shepard? Turians don’t get taken down that easily.” She laughs from the other room. “We spar almost constantly, we basically use it to determine our relationship with each other. So, we don’t want it hanging out near claws and teeth.” 

“Those are actually excellent reasons,” she muses. 

“Honestly, they might be more benefit than anything else; evolution took care of most of the work. Palaven has some of the highest radiation levels anywhere in the galaxy. Exposure to such a sensitive part of us could cause a lot of problems.” 

She laughs again as I head back out of the bedroom, now safely tucked away and teases, “Explains all the impotence.” I laugh with her but get distracted quickly by her body. She’s standing at the foot of the bed now, just wearing panties and stretching her arms over her head. 

Her body is...damn. When she’s in armor, and when she’s naked, I get to truly appreciate just how strong she is. For a tiny thing, Shepard is nothing but lean muscle, long lines, and sweeping curves. I don’t know what I want to bite more, her shoulders or her ass. 

I slide up behind her and wrap an arm around her waist, taking the opportunity to soothe a wound from my talons on her shoulder. She moans softly like it feels good and then leans back into me, so I have to stop. “I’m fine. The places that I’m going to be sore have nothing to do with your teeth or talons.” 

That makes me laugh, easing some of the pressure, and I shift to press a kiss to her hair instead. 

Shepard glances toward the clock beside her bed, and I follow her gaze, shocked to find out that it’s well into the overnight cycle. I wonder how long the crew waiting in Mess to see if I came back out; it wouldn’t surprise me if Alenko was still out there. 

When I tell Shepard that she just shrugs, “I told them that we were marathoning.” 

“Ah, thinking ahead. Smart move, Commander.” 

She laughs and tugs on a t-shirt. I’m a little sad that she’s covered now but find something intimate about watching her dress, too. I find my own shirt and then redress before she comes back in front of me, throws her arms around my neck, and kisses me deeply. 

“Stop that. I need to get out of here if we’re going to be able to keep this between us.” 

“I know,” she murmurs. I try not to acknowledge that I think she sounds kind of sad about me going. “I’m just trying to make up for lost time when I can’t kiss you.” 

“I have absolutely no problem with that.” I make the point by kissing her again, our lips lingering for a long moment before we part. “Get some rest. You were hurt today...because you took a needless risk.” 

She barks out a laugh and shoves me away playfully. “Says the guy who went after a Krogan!” 

“I believe that guy also came out alive so...doesn’t count.” I wink at her this time and note that she seems to absolutely delight in the very human move. Shepard helps me gather our trays to take back to Mess Hall and then walks me to the door. “Usually I sneak out in the middle of the night while the other person is still sleeping,” I confess. “This is kind of nice.” 

“Oh, no! Is Garrus Vakarian settling down from his wicked, naughty, playboys ways?” She fakes a pout. “Women the galaxy over are mourning.” 

“That is...not fair.” She just laughs and takes that intensely sexy stance when she crosses her arms over her chest and sinks back into one hip. “Besides, are you really complaining if all my wicked and naughty ways are focused on finding new and exciting ways to make you cum now?”

The flush that comes instantly to her face is enough to make me want to drag her right back to bed. “Well. When you put it that way.” 

I laugh and reach out to tuck a curl behind her ear, catching the lobe as my hand falls away. Her green eyes are bright and clear, none of the stress I saw on them earlier. It’s a heady feeling, knowing that I brought her this relief - and that was even before the sex. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be here. The Mako is going to need a ton of work to fix all your damage to it.” She laughs as I step close enough to the door to open it. “Night, Kid.” 

I hear her murmur goodnight and count my blessings that Mess is empty. I’m in enough trouble with how that woman is making me feel. I don’t need other people knowing about it, too.


	6. Boundaries

I don’t think I’ve ever gone a whole day sore before. OK, well maybe sore from running or from battle, but not this kind of sore - the deep and really wonderful sort that sends images of last night running through my mind almost every time I move. 

All. Damn. Day. 

Of course, I’ve also never had a man pick me up and take me so roughly. Or use his mouth with quite so much talent or enthusiasm. A shudder runs down my spine, and I force the thoughts away, trying my best to focus on Liara’s words. 

The Asari professor is actually really interesting, and she’s clearly torn up over her mom being on the side of a madman. I’ve agreed to let her join us on Noveria tomorrow; if anyone should get to face Benezia, it’s her. I’m also holding onto just a sliver of hope that her daughter might be able to get her Matriarch mother back out of Saren’s service, and then we have a significant ally. 

“Anyway, I should probably try to get some rest before dinner. Thanks for talking with me, Shepard.” 

“Anytime, Liara.” I feel a little guilty for being grateful she’s done talking, but the girl can be a little long-winded. 

Girl. She’s almost twice my age but still a baby by Asari standards. She is most definitely not a soldier, though, and that makes me feel like she’s young, even naive. 

I might not be this grateful that the conversation is over if Liara wasn’t my last stop on rounds today. Well, second to last. Garrus always last, simply because of logistics. We spend hours talking about whatever comes to mind, and I’d feel bad missing whoever was supposed to get in with me after. I’ve also pulled all my rounds a little early today, before dinner, ostensibly because I didn’t do them last night while marathoning but really because I’m hoping for more alone time tonight. 

It’ll be nice to just wind down with him too since everyone else today has been teasing me or whining at me...or both. Tali, Wrex, and Joker are suspicious about something going on with Garrus and me, but they aren’t being assholes. It just unnerves me a little to think the crew might know, might be talking about this. That is not what I wanted from this...even if I want Garrus so much it hurts sometimes. 

Liara was just whining in general - that I can handle. Ashley and Kaidan made me want to slam my head against the wall. Ashley wanted to plead her case about getting all the aliens off the ship. Kaidan especially can’t seem to understand why I’d choose to spend my nights not just with Garrus but, in general, with someone who isn’t Kaidan. 

The day was spent fantastically sore inside and confused on the outside, lying about my attraction to and interest in probably the best person I’ve ever known. Definitely the best friend I’ve ever had. 

As the elevator descends toward the Cargo Bay, where I know I’ll find the Turian, that confusion comes back on strong. Almost as strong as last night when I almost asked him to spend the night with me. 

Obviously, I’m confusing great sex and a solid friendship with something more, but it’s not a weakness I can afford. Especially not with a member of my crew. 

The elevator doors open, and I find the bay empty, save for the sound of music I recognize as Turian rock and two long legs sticking out from under the Mako. It makes me smile when I realize Garrus is tapping his two-toed feet along with the beat of the music. I wonder if he can sing, and considering how much I enjoy the sound of his voice, I kind of want to hear it. 

“People are going to start thinking you’re a good Turian if you don’t quit this work ethic thing,” I tease him. “Have you even come up for air today?”

I hear him laugh and then he grips the edge of the tank with one hand, pulling to wheel himself out until he’s smiling up at me from the floor. “You should talk to my Commander,” he quips. “She demanded the Mako be ready for our mission tomorrow.” 

“My hero.” 

Garrus chuckles and pulls himself to his feet, still smiling. For a moment, I think he’ll approach and kiss me, at least touch me, but he goes for a towel to clean his hands off instead. 

Why am I so disappointed that he didn’t publicly kiss me?

“What brings you down into the slums? It’s a little early for rounds.” 

I narrow my eyes at him. “Think you know my schedule, do you?” He raises his brow plates, waiting, and I laugh. “Yeah, OK, it’s early for rounds. Maybe I’m hoping to be busy after dinner.” 

“Really? Because I’m planning on being free after dinner.” 

Our gazes lock for a moment, and the understanding is there in the heat behind his impossibly blue eyes. I feel a little more settled when I know we’ve agreed, planned to be together again tonight. 

“How was your day?” 

The question always comes, and it always brings relief. He’s the only person on the ship who asks me that. Actually, he might be the only person in my adult life who has regularly asked me that and then listened to the answer. Garrus lets me vent about the Council and whatever mission Admiral Hackett and the N7 squad decide to throw my way, lets me complain about the crew, lets me get everything off my chest. And he actually cares about what I have to say. 

It sets him apart from the rest of the crew, what makes him my friend and not just teammates. 

It’s what makes me…

“Hello? Normandy to Shepard...you still with me?” 

I startle when I snap back to reality and find Garrus waving his hand in my face. Apparently, I’d gotten lost in my thoughts for so long it worried him. 

“Sorry, sorry. Lost in thought.” 

I give him a rundown of the day, including a brief on the fact that most of the crew suspects we’re sleeping together. Garrus just laughs it off, which helps me to relax about it a little. “I’m also pretty sure Liara was making a pass at me at some point when I made a mistake and asked about Asari culture.” 

Garrus chuckles at that. “You realize she’s probably confused because you joined with her, right?” My blank stare makes him laugh harder even though he rubs the back of his head - something I’ve learned he does when he’s uncomfortable. “Shepard, the joining is extremely intimate. It’s effectively sex. In fact, it’s well known that most Asari don’t like actual sex, and they only join with their partners.” 

Halfway through the sentence, my mouth has popped open and can’t seem to manage closing it again. “Are you telling me that I...I basically had sex with Liara in front of the whole crew?”

“Well, when you put it that way, I picture something much different.” I reach out and smack his chest playfully for that, even though I’m glad he’s broken the tension. Garrus catches my hand before it falls, and my heart thumps when I think he’s going to pull me in for a kiss. 

Right here, in a public part of the ship, I want him to so badly I can already feel the soft leather of his lips in my mind. It’s a problem I’m disappointed when he smiles softly and then drops my hand.

I shake my head to snap myself out of it and lean against one of the toolboxes for a little distance. “So, are you really this passionate about mechanics, or what?”

He laughs. “I honestly do enjoy it - engineering, mechanics, that kind of thing.” He jerks one shoulder in a Turian-style shrug. “I might also be avoiding my father and didn’t want ‘I’m busy’ to be a total lie.” 

“Uh oh. Family drama?” 

“Not so much drama as more of the same old crap.” Garrus doesn’t usually grumble about anything, so his bitter tone concerns me. 

I move to a wheeled stool and take a seat, cross my legs, and lean my chin on my elbow. His smile tells me that he knows I mean it to show I’m listening, I’m invested. 

“My father’s greatest disappointment in his life is that his youngest son is almost thirty and not married. He tries to remedy that every chance he gets.”

“First of all, I didn’t know that Turians got married, too,” I admit, always surprised at how much our cultures have in common. “And also, how could he remedy it? You kind of have to be involved in that process, don’t you?”

Garrus sighs and walks around to the front of the Mako, popping open the hood. I would need to stand on his stool to see into the engine, but Garrus can lean in and reach whatever he needs. “Turians live in a meritocracy. For better or worse, that means your actions and choices reflect on and impact your family and loved ones. And vice versa.” 

“Ah, so who you marry is an even bigger decision that in other cultures.” I can see how that would be both positive and negative. 

“Honestly, it means that our marriages are often little more than contracts - arrangements between two well-respected families,” he explains. “And my father has a nasty habit of springing potential contracts on me.” 

“Contracted marriages. So do Turians not…” I can’t explain why my throat gets thick, but I have to clear it to finish the question. “fall in love?”

Garrus lifts his head to meet my eyes. “We fall in love. Marriages are usually contracts, but sometimes they involve what we call bonding. That...that one he can’t force on me.” Intense eyes fall away from mine. “Bonding is like falling in love, but next level and a Turian can only bond once in their lifetime. Castius Vakarian sees it as a weakness, a chance to throw away my future.” 

“Does that mean his marriage to your mother was arranged?” Right after the extremely personal question comes out, I balk at myself. “God, I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer all my questions.” 

“No, it’s OK. I like talking to you.” He says it so casually, without even looking up. Like it’s not special. “My parent's marriage was arranged, but they got lucky and later bonded. That happens sometimes; actually happened to my oldest brother, too.” 

“I see. So your dad is calling with another potential candidate for Mrs. Garrus Vakarian.” He laughs at that, making me smile. “And you’re avoiding it because...you don’t want to get married?”

Garrus straightens up quickly and shakes his head, appearing almost awkward for a split second if that’s possible for him. “No, uh...that’s not it at all. I do want it, I want to be married and have a family, the whole thing. I just don’t want it for the wrong reasons - like because I’m almost thirty or because her father is high ranking.” 

“Hmm. I gotta say, it’s hard to imagine the badass Turian playboy and sniper settling down.” 

“I said nothing about settling down. And that, Elle Shepard, is why the right woman is so important.” He throws me a wink and adds, “She has to be able to keep up.” 

I roll my eyes dramatically at him, even as we laugh. I hate that he can make me blush, but at least he hasn’t called me out on it. 

“Anyway. What about you?”

“What about me?” 

He smirks and comes back around to the side of the Mako closest to me, leaning against the tank. “What about you...all of it. Humans marry, so what about your parents?”

“No.” The word may be small, but I blurt it out so hard and fast that Garrus startles a little. “I mean…” I force a laugh. “You can learn all that from my public record.” 

He blinks at me, hands freezing, and asks, “Are you serious?” I frown at him, and this time, Garrus is the one who forces a laugh. “Shepard, I don’t want your dossier. I want to get to know you.” 

“You do know me. Better than...most.” I almost tell him that I feel like he knows me better than anyone else - he certainly gets me better than anyone else - but that just makes me feel too open. Much like this line of questioning. “I don’t have a family.” 

“OK, fine. Do you want a family someday? Marriage, kids, all that?” 

I know why he’s asking. It’s perfectly reasonable that he should ask these questions now since I just drilled him for personal information. That doesn’t mean I have to bare my soul to the guy. 

I laugh again and shake my head. “What’s that matter? I’m gonna be busy for a while anyway, first human Spectre and all.” 

I’m trying to infuse some humor back into the situation, but it would be impossible to miss that Garrus isn’t amused. He looks almost...hurt. I hate being the reason he looks like that. 

I take a deep breath and uncross my legs, grounding myself. “Look, I...I’m just not really someone who shares personal things with my crew.” 

Garrus’ mandibles flare, and I immediately know where I went wrong, guilt sinking into my gut. I start to speak, but he cuts me off. “No, don’t. It’s fine - you’re absolutely right. This conversation isn’t appropriate with my commanding officer, and I apologize.” 

“Garrus, come on. You know I didn’t mean it like that. I like hearing about you, your life,” I assure him genuinely. It means a lot that he opens up to me. 

Probably as much as it would mean to him if I did. 

“Shepard.” He sighs heavily. “I don’t know how it works for humans, but my friendships go in both directions. I refuse to be the idiot who thinks we have something if we don’t. If all you want is to fuck me and have me shoot geth on command, say so, and we can make that happen.” 

“That is not fair!” 

I want to tell him off at least a little, but I stop when the intercom chimes with a sound to tell us that dinner is being served in Mess Hall. I don’t move from the chair, feeling like it would hurt physically to leave the conversation like this. 

Garrus exhales harshly and runs a hand back over his fringe, signaling that he’s uncomfortable again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have - “ 

“No, damn it. You’re right, and you are my friend,” I assure him. “I’m just...I’m not honestly all that used to having friends.” He doesn’t respond or look at me, and I know it’s time to be a goddamn adult, intimacy issues or not. “I haven’t ever really given any thought to whether I want...marriage, kids, all that stuff. It’s always seemed...impossible.”

Garrus looks surprised for a beat, and then a soft, sweet smile I haven’t seen before almost takes my breath away. He steps closer and reaches out, tucking a hair behind my ear and tugging the lobe gently before letting his hand fall away. 

It’s just a small gesture, but every time he does it, I feel cherished.

“Thank you,” he breathes, voice soft. “I promise not to use your secrets against you except in bed.” 

The tension I’d been feeling snaps, and I laugh easily, shoving him away from me. I’m grateful that he’s gotten us back to normal so quickly, but the mention of bed takes my mind to all kinds of dark places. “Speaking of secrets in bed...you mentioned something about punishment last night.” 

Garrus’ smile goes from sweet to damn dangerous in a flash. “I knew you’d still be thinking about that.” 

I immediately regret bringing it up while we’re not in private, my throat going dry just from the look on his face. I’m saved from having to talk about all the ways I’ve pictured Garrus punishing me since last night - all the hot, fantastic ways - when we hear the doors from Engineering open. 

“Hey, guys!” Tali chirps, bounding in and heading for the elevator. “Are you coming up?” We agree and join her in the waiting elevator. 

He seems normal again in the elevator, joking with Tali as we head up to Mess Hall, where the rest of the crew is already dining. Garrus leans casually against the other side of the elevator, his long legs extended, and his arms crossed over his chest. Damn. He’s gorgeous. 

I feel weird about divulging any of myself, about exposing something personal when it feels like that crosses the lines we set. I also don’t feel like Garrus was trying to cross lines or change our relationship. He’s been such a great friend to me, and I get his point; friends share with each other - it’s not one way.

It’s hard enough getting used to having someone care about the menial points of my day. I don’t know how to react to someone I’m sleeping with wanting to get to know me on a deeper level, for purposes other than sex. 

I shake off the thoughts for now as we get to Mess Hall. Grabbing a tray, I end up beside Kaidan at the table, with Liara on my other side and Garrus a little further down the table. 

“Are you actually reading that trash?” Joker asks Ashley, pulling a datapad from her hands. He makes a face and then clears his throat, putting on a deep and dramatic voice when he reads, “His manhood throbbed in her hands, and she yearned to pleasure him.” 

“Oh, Ash, that is a big step down from Walden and Thoreau,” I tease her as the human snatches back her erotica indignantly. 

“Hey! We all need a little...release every now and then. This is my guilty pleasure.” She scowls at both Joker and me when she adds, “And it’s not trash!” 

“His manhood?” Tali repeats, the phrase sounding even worse from the innocent young Quarian. “Is that really what humans call a…” 

She flounders on the word, and Garrus laughs at her. “I don’t like manhood, but it’s better than apparently not having a word for it at all, Tali.” I can’t help but laugh with him, and Garrus glances up, catching my gaze with a smile. He looks more at ease now, and it gives me hope that we’re better. 

“Those books are all the same,” Joker grumbles. “Tall, dark, and handsome, yadda yadda yadda.” 

Kaidan straightens up a little and asks, “What’s wrong with tall, dark, and handsome?”

I turn in my seat to look him over playfully before I respond, “Not a damn thing.” 

It has the desired effect, and Kaidan turns bright red. I laugh with everyone else and pat his shoulder; he’s a little too serious for my liking, so I take whatever opportunity I can get to make him loosen up a little. Even his flirting is relatively stiff...unlike the charming Turian who also happens to be tall, dark, and handsome. 

My laughter dies the moment I glance back toward Garrus. He doesn’t look at ease any longer, poking around at his meal with his mandibles pulled tight to his face. I don’t realize that Tali is speaking softly to him until she rests his hand over his forearm. 

I can’t explain why I want to smack her hand away so badly, but I pull my eyes away instead. It’s none of my business if they’re friends. 

I made what we’re not going to be clear to Garrus, I even told him that he could sleep with other people if he told me about it. I can’t go and get weird about it now. I have no right getting nauseous at even the thought of him with another woman. 

I hate feeling confused, especially about something that was supposed to be fun and casual. It’s been amazing so far, and I was genuine last night when I said I wanted to make our secret arrangement a more regular thing. Maybe it’s because we went so long without that last night felt so intense and everything today feels a little more...real. 

“Shepard?” I start when I realize that Kaidan has said my name at least twice now. “You OK?” 

“Yeah, sorry, just...thinking.” I shake my head and try to pay attention to soft brown eyes, a strong jaw. It shouldn’t be so hard to listen to him. 

“Who are you taking to Noveria tomorrow?” Ashley interjects. I don’t think it’s what Kaidan wanted to say since he seems surprised by her interruption. 

I almost roll my eyes at the question, at her impassioned tone about it. I know she wants the answer to be her, but I’m not going to change the plans I’ve already made for her to feel better. Ashley is a hothead and a xenophobe - not the kind of person I need on an alien planet and facing down an Asari Matriarch. “Liara and Garrus.” 

“Liara?” Kaidan repeats. He falters when my eyes snap to his. “I just, uh...no offense, Liara. You’re not exactly a soldier, that’s all.” 

I open my mouth and very nearly respond for her, but the Asari professor speaks for herself. “I may not be a soldier, Lieutenant Alenko, but I am a capable biotic. And Benezia is my mother.” 

“Exactly. If anyone deserves to face her, it’s Liara,” I chime in, nodding at her to ensure she knows I mean that before turning back to Kaidan and Ashley. “And I don’t think you need me to explain why I’m bringing Garrus.” 

Neither of them dares to respond to that. They can be smart when they want to. 

Quickly, everyone dissolves back into their previous conversations, but Kaidan nudges my arm for attention. “That’s not actually what I wanted to ask you,” he says softly. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight. Maybe watch a movie?” The request surprises me, and I can tell he notices, but he persists. “I just thought we could spend some time together...alone.” 

I can hear what he’s saying, and I’ve heard it from him before. Given a chance, Kaidan would warm my bed. Its flattering and sweet. If he weren’t serving under me, if we were in a different scenario, I might even consider it. He’s a good soldier, a good man, attractive...and not at all the man I want.

“It’s really nice of you to think of me, Kaidan, and maybe another night. We’re just still in the middle of the Blasto marathon.” I don’t say Garrus’ name; he already knows who I’ll be with tonight instead of him, even if he doesn’t know the details. I’m not out to hurt Kaidan.

His brown eyes harden just a little. “You know...people are talking. You spend a lot of time with him, and now it’s alone.” 

“I spend a lot of time with Tali, too. Do they talk about that? Garrus spends tons of time with Joker, just the two of them. Are there rumors that the pilot is banging our sniper, Kaidan?” 

I hear Joker snort into his drink from across the table, and Ashley jumps when he nearly spits it everywhere, but I ignore them and don’t let Kaidan drop my gaze. He backs down almost immediately and shrinks away, no challenge or instinct to dominate in him. 

“Sorry, ma’am. I should know better than to listen to scuttlebutt,” he mutters, poking at his food aimlessly. “I just...worry about you, that’s all.” 

I take a breath, trying not to be angry while he blushes. “I don’t need anyone to worry about me, Kaidan, and certainly not about Garrus. It should be a good thing that I have such a good friend.” I leave it singular and choose to leave it there, letting Kaidan decide what to do with it. 

“Shepard.” I’m saved from anything else by Garrus, now standing on the other side of the table. I smile just because he makes me smile, even if he doesn’t return it; I wonder how much of the exchange with Kaidan he heard. 

“Ready for more cinematic genius, big guy?” I know we’ll both feel better once we’re alone again. He has a knack for relieving my stress, and I like to think I can do the same for him. I stand, discard my tray, and lead him again toward my quarters. I hear the doors just behind him and ask, “Do you even remember which movie we were on?”

“Did you remember that I was in the room at dinner?” 

The question confuses me, but the bitter tone of his melted chocolate voice surprises me enough to make me turn around. I find him leaning back against the doors, which he’s locked; I thought that was for a good reason, but now I’m not sure. His arms are crossed over his chest, and the stance looks casual enough, but there’s something in his gaze that feels...dangerous.

He shrugs one shoulder and continues, “Because if you’d prefer someone tall, dark, and handsome in here, I can go.” 

I laugh and roll my eyes at him. “I’m pretty sure I have someone tall, dark, and handsome in here.” 

Garrus just shakes his head and pushes off the door but doesn’t come any further into the room. Now that he’s standing straight, his shoulders seem lower than usual, and I hate it...knowing that he’s genuinely hurt and it’s my fault. 

“It didn’t mean anything, Garrus. I was joking around with Kaidan.” 

“Yeah, I know. The problem is that...it bothered me.” He shakes his head, almost to himself, and my stomach sinks when I realize what he’s saying. He felt the same way that I did when Tali touched him - a way that neither of us has any business feeling. 

Exactly the way we promised not to feel. The Alliance is serious about fraternization. And the last thing I need on a mission like this is to be distracted by...feelings. 

“Why does it bother me, Shepard?” he asks. The simple question hangs heavily in the air. 

“I...don’t know. I wish I did.” I sit down on the edge of my desk and cross my arms, trying not to feel so exposed even when I know being honest with him is important. “I think...I’m worried that sex is confusing our friendship. Or confusing because of our friendship. I don’t know which.” 

And I don’t know which would be worse. 

Garrus crosses the room, moving slowly enough that I could stop him from standing in front of me if I wanted to. I choose to watch him move instead, appreciating all his grace for something so big. 

“You know how much I enjoy what we have. But if I have to pick between our friendship and sex, I don’t want the sex. I value this, Shepard,” he insists, motioning between us, “not that,” he adds, motioning instead toward my bed. 

Anything that I might have said flies right out of my head, and all I can do is stare at him. I don’t think anyone else has ever said that to me before, that they’d rather be my friend than in bed with me. 

I swallow hard, forcing myself to find the words. “I want both.” 

“Me, too. But I also don’t want you flirting with Kaidan or sleeping with Liara,” he admits, shaking his head. I feel pinned under the gaze of his bright blue eyes. “I don’t want to feel like I’m opening up to you, letting you in, while you have me at a distance.” 

“I don’t want Kaidan...or Liara,” I add with a scoff that finally makes him smile. “If we’re being honest, I didn’t expect to get close to you like this. In any way.” 

“I know.” He reaches out and tucks a hair behind my ear, and I lean into the touch when he holds the lobe between his fingers. The look in his eyes has me mesmerized and terrified all at once. “Shepard, if we want both...let’s have it.” 

Cold drops into my gut, and I straighten away from him, my heart thumping hard. I can feel the butterflies trying to come to life, but the ice won’t let them. I can’t be excited that he wants that, because I can’t have that. 

Garrus can see the answer on my face before I say anything, and he pulls away, taking a step back from me. “That was stupid,” he mutters, forcing a laugh and rubbing the back of his fringe. “Sorry.” 

I have to swallow to push down the lump in my throat. “Garrus, you understand why I can’t, right? It’s not…” I sigh, trying to force out some of the frustrating building in me. I hate all of this, hate that we’re having this conversation. 

I hate the conversation that it means we have to have. I take another deep breath and focus, pulling forward soldier and Spectre me that has a job to do and a ship to run instead of the woman who wants to be thrilled that a guy like Garrus Vakarian wants me. 

“I think...maybe this is going in a different direction than I was prepared for. Maybe we need to cool things off a little.” 

This time both hands run over his fringe, and Garrus turns away from me, something that feels bad and oddly final. My heart thumps, and I want nothing more than to go to him, throw my arms around him. I want him to know how much this and he means to me...but I can’t. 

I set rules for a reason. I have boundaries for a reason, and Garrus has been changing or challenging those boundaries for me from day one. 

I can’t let him in more than I have already. Even if it weren’t for my career standing in the way, a real relationship with Garrus would change everything. When it fell apart, I’d lost him. I can’t...can’t risk it. 

“OK.” 

I don’t look up at Garrus’ soft words. If I look at him, I just might break. There are things I can’t say. 

“Like I said, I value you and your friendship more than anything else. As long as we can keep being friends, nothing else means anything to me.” When he looks up at me, I meet his gaze, force a smile, and nod. He shifts uncomfortably between his feet. 

“Did you wanna...stay?” Even before I finish the question, I know he’s going to reject me, and I hug myself tighter, trying to keep the pain away. 

“I, uh...I actually have some more work to do downstairs. Maybe we should put this off for tonight.” 

I look away to hide the wince. I knew that this would create distance, but...I didn’t expect it to hurt. “Probably smart,” I lie. I won’t feel bad about that since he’s doing the same thing. 

“You know where I am if you need me, kid.” 

I close my eyes at the nickname, at the pain that lances through me. I’ve loved his little nickname for me since the first time I heard it, it’s always made me feel special. Now, it’s...almost too much. I know he’ll be a couple floors away, I’ll see him on the mission tomorrow. He’s still here, I haven’t lost him. 

So when the doors slide shut behind him, leaving me alone, I can’t understand why the room feels so empty and even cold. I can’t explain the ache that forms hot and heavy in my chest. I feel like I lost my best friend even though I know logically that he’s still here, he’s right there...so close that I could go and fix all of this. 

But I can’t fix it without sacrificing all the boundaries I’ve already set. Those boundaries have kept me safe; they’re a big part of the reason that my career has been so successful - because I’m focused on that and that alone. Because I don’t get confused by hormones or my heart broken. 

The rules I’ve set are for a reason, and I can’t afford the risks that come along with breaking them, especially not with Garrus. If we get distracted from the mission, it’s bad. But if a relationship ruins things between us, I could lose something that I think might be really special.

Of course, I’m also actively preventing it from getting special by not letting him get close. 

Damn it. 

None of this should even matter. He’s my subordinate, I’m the Commander of this ship. I’m a Spectre - the first human Spectre, and that puts even more responsibility on me. I have far too much riding on me to risk any of the issues that could, that would come with feeling any of the things that Garrus makes me want to feel. 

It’s for the best. Even if it hurts. 

I’m an idiot for going to Noveria without sleeping. If I had any sense, I’d tell Shepard that I’m exhausted because I spent the whole night pacing the Cargo Bay and trying to rationalize my issues with her. My senses are dulled from the lack of sleep and being tired means my body temperature is already lower than usual, so going to a world that is covered in snow year round is unwise. I know this. 

But I also know if I bow out of the mission, Shepard might take Kaidan, and I’m too ridiculously jealous and territorial to let that happen. Especially now. 

I want her. I hated spending the night without her, I hate thinking that we might not be friends anymore. I hate more than anything that I asked her to be with me, and she flat out rejected me - a first for me all around. 

I hate all the feelings I have for her - the totally inexcusable, unacceptable feelings. She is human. It’s bad enough that I’m an almost thirty-year-old Turian and unmarried, as much as I pretend that doesn’t bother me. I know the shame it can bring my family. But a relationship with a human could disgrace me, disgrace every Vakarian. 

And I am a Vakarian. Garrus Vakarian is at the top of his game, always. I don’t get distracted, I definitely don’t get heartbroken. Men and women fall for me; it’s never the other way around, and I have no reason to change that. It’s too big a risk. It’s too damn stupid. 

So in the morning, instead of stepping out of the mission, I eat before the rest of the crew and then gear up for Port Hanshan on Noveria. 

“I can say with almost certainly that Saren is not on this planet,” I tell Joker as we approach Noveria, trying to distract myself. 

“Yeah? Why’s that?” 

“Because Turians are cold blooded, and this place is our personal hell.” Joker just laughs at me and continuous our approach. Even from here, Noveria looks frozen. 

This is not going to be a good day. 

“Hey.” Shepard’s voice charges me immediately, my blood suddenly feeling much hotter. I can’t help myself, and I’m a glutton for punishment, so I turn to watch her walking toward us on the bridge. 

Damn. I never did get a chance to fuck her while she was wearing her armor. 

Bright green eyes meet mine, and instantly the air around us sparks to life. “Hi,” she breathes. 

“Hey.” 

“You OK?” 

I manage a nod in response and force a small smile. She steps closer and pounds her fist twice against my chest. I nearly reach for her, press her hand against my chest for at least a second, even though I won’t be able to feel the warmth of her touch through my armor. 

At the same time, I want to shove her hand away because she seems fine. Why isn’t it bothering her? Why do I feel broken, and she looks all business...all gorgeous, unbearably sexy business?

“What’s our status, Joker?” 

The pilot glances back over his shoulder to respond to her. “Making contact now. Approach Control, this is the SSV Normandy. Requesting a vector and a berth.” 

There’s barely a moment’s pause before someone on the other end responds stiffly, “Normandy, your arrival was not scheduled. Our defense grid is armed and tracking you. State your business.” 

My interest piqued, I push off the wall and stand beside Shepard. It’s not like I could defend her or the Normandy on my own against the port’s defenses, but I’m damn well gonna try. 

Her shoulders are squared, but Shepard keeps her cool and lets Joker handle it. “Citadel business,” he responds, only just not snapping. “We’ve got a Council Spectre on board.” 

The delay is a little longer this time while we wait for them to respond. “Landing access granted, Normandy. Be advised: we will be confirming identification on arrival. If confirmation cannot be established, your ship will be impounded.” 

“What a fun bunch,” Joker scoffs, cutting off the radio with more force than necessary. “I think I’ll take my next leave here.” 

“If Shepard manages to leave anyone alive,” I tease.

She laughs and smirks up at me. I love the smile as much as I hate how at ease she seems. She’s distracted when Liara arrives just as Joker finishes docking the ship, and we can access the airlock. Joker gives us the all-clear, and I join the two of them. 

Liara seems appropriately geared up, wearing armor that likely didn’t belong to her before she arrived here. I wonder if it’s an extra set of Shepard’s or Tali’s since they’re relatively the same build. There’s a pistol and an assault rifle strapped to her, but I’m almost eager to see the biotics Liara mentioned at dinner last night. 

Once Shepard takes her place in front of me, my attention is solely for the human. She has two pistols, including a Carnifex that I love, strapped to her hips, and an assault rifle on her back. I’ve already seen some of her biotics, and they’re truly impressive. 

I shake it off as the ship VI confirms that Pressly has the deck and the doors open to release us. Even here, there’s a chill in the air. I stick close to Shepard as we head toward the docks since I can see three armed people waiting for us over there. The two humans and Turian aren’t wearing any insignia, and they all have on black armor, each of them holding a gun in their hands. 

One holds up a hand as we approach and says, “That’s far enough.” 

“We’re not here to cause problems,” Shepard assures them, holding both of her hands up in a peaceful motion. I’m on edge, probably from my own mood as much as the situation, but knowing they already have their weapons out doesn’t make me feel better. 

The woman doesn’t address that. “This is an unscheduled arrival.” Apparently, they really dislike those on Noveria. “I need your credentials.” 

I can’t help a little flare of excitement when Shepard’s shoulders stiffen, and I know she’s already done playing nice. “You first,” she challenges the guards. 

“We’re the law here. Show some respect,” one of the other human women, a blonde, says sternly. 

Shepard barks out a laugh at that, mild considering the treatment we’ve had here already. She’s a Council Spectre; the woman does not need to answer to a couple paid guards on a private dock. 

They must decide that she means business because the first woman finally bothers to introduce herself. “I’m Captain Maeko Matsuo, Elanus Risk Control Services.” 

“I’m a Spectre. My name is Shepard.” 

The blonde scoffs and announces, “Load of horse crap, ma’am.” 

I don’t even know what a horse is, and my hand itches to grab my weapon. I just want to smack her with the butt of the rifle, of course - I wouldn’t shoot someone just for being mean to Shepard. 

Not today, anyway.

“We will need to confirm that,” Matsuo responds, giving her counterpart a stern look. “Also, I must advise you that firearms are not permitted on Noveria. Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons.” 

Maybe it’s because the blonde has already been such a bitch or because she’s armed - or because I got no sleep and I’m in a shit mood - but when the Sergeant steps forward I move on instinct, and before anyone else can even blink, she has my rifle in her face. 

Liara and Shepard respond to the movement and pull out their weapons as well, just before Matsuo and her guards point their guns at us. “Citadel authority supersedes yours,” I inform the bitchy blonde human. “And my gun is bigger.” 

“Nobody takes my weapon,” Shepard informs them plainly. “I’m happy to cooperate while you check my credentials, but I won’t tell him not to shoot the mouthy one.” 

“We are authorized to use lethal force,” Matsuo informs us. “You have to the count of three to surrender your weapons.” 

“Shepard,” Liara breathes, her voice anxious. 

“Shepard,” I repeat, a growl building my chest without permission. “I’m not waiting ‘til three.” I’ll be damned if I’m going to let them shoot her. 

“One...two…” I start to squeeze, prepared to take a non-lethal shot, but make sure Sergeant Stirling no longer has use of her firing hand. 

A voice rings out clear over the intercom, a woman who sounds a little frantic announcing, “Captain Matsuo! Stand down!” Matsuo falters but looks torn; apparently, she was pretty set on shooting. “We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here.”

“And so are Spectres teams,” Shepard informs them, a cocky smirk forming on her face now. 

I have a feeling Captain Matsuo thinks that the voice from the intercom is still listening, and it’s the only reason, but she signals her team to lower their weapons. Only once they’re unarmed does Shepard lower her pistol and signal for us to do the same. 

“You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational.” 

“Well, there’s no need to be rude.” I can’t help feeling proud when Shepard laughs at my dumb joke. 

Matsuo narrows her eyes at me but doesn’t respond more than to say, “Parasini-san will meet you upstairs.” 

Without sparing another world for any of them, Shepard leads us through a revolving door and into a huge, open lobby. On either side of a waterfall flowing over a smooth wall of what looks like marble, staircases lead up to what looks like a reception area as we approach. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Shepard groans when a screeching alarm begins as soon as we approach the desk. 

“Weapons detectors.” We turn toward a dark-haired human woman rushing to a console. I like the way the deep red color of her dress stands out against her dark skin. “Don’t mind them. I’m Gianna Parasini, assistant to Port Hanshan Administrator Anoleis. We apologize for the incident in the docking bay.” 

“I appreciate you stepping in and helping us out,” Shepard responds politely. 

Gianna nods. “You’re welcome. You understand that our Security Chief was only doing her job.” I don’t even try to hide a scoff at that, and Shepard gives me a signal to stand down even though she catches my eye and I note the twinkle of a smile. 

“This is pretty heavy security for such a small port.” 

I mostly zone out while Gianna explains that the corporations working here expect a good amount of privacy. It sounds pretty suspicious to me, but Shepard just makes sure that our investigation won’t be interfered with by security or anyone else. 

“Has anyone unusual passed through here recently?” 

“An Asari Matriarch passed through here a few days ago. Lady Benezia.” That’s more than enough to get my attention back from the waterfall. 

“Benezia. So she is here,” Liara breathes. Her voice is a little softer than usual, but she sounds almost indignant - like she’s insulted her mother dared to come here. Gianna explains that the Matriarch left the port for the Peak 15 Research Complex and hasn’t returned yet, so she’s likely still there. I can tell Shepard likes having a specific direction since we’ve just been chasing Saren around until now. 

Of course, because nothing is ever simple, Gianna also tells us that we’re going to need clearance from her boss to leave the port. We get directions to Administrator Anoleis’ office before parting ways with the human. 

“She is here,” Liara breathes, not moving away from the desk when Shepard and I do. She seems almost dazed, but then she blinks and looks at Shepard. “I imagine you want to talk to me, Shepard.” 

I start to ask if they want privacy, but Shepard shakes her head. “We talked about her before, Liara, and I know how you feel about what she’s doing. I trust you to make the right decisions when you face her.” 

“I do want to see her,” Liara tells us. “Maybe I can persuade her to come peacefully.” 

“I hope so.” 

I share none of their optimism; they don’t know Saren like I do. The guy gets what he wants almost without fail, and that’s especially true where women are involved. How he got an Asari Matriarch on his side is still beyond me, but I’m certain his talons are in deep. 

I keep my mouth shut, though. It’s not my job to question Shepard...especially not now. 

The day that started like crap only gets worse when we meet the Salarian Administrator. The stick up his ass makes my father look laid back, and his ego could give even Saren a run for his money. When he refuses to stand up to greet Shepard, I want to jump across the table and throttle him. 

I’ll never know how Shepard manages to keep her cool with all the assholes she has to deal with. 

“Do you do business with Saren?” 

Anoleis looks genuinely confused, whether or not he is. “Agent Saren, the Spectre? He is a major investor in Binary Helix corporation, which is one of Noveria’s backers.” 

“Investor?” I repeat, surprised by the news. “Saren isn’t a corporate investor...not as far as I know anyway,” I tell Shepard. “Though, clearly, I don’t know much.” 

Her face softens sympathetically, and I hate how badly I want her to touch me. Instead of doing that, she gets back on track. “Is Binary Helix developing weapons for him?”

“It’s possible, given his interests. What our clients do in their labs is their business,” Anoleis says, his tone dismissive. 

“Fine. I’ve also heard that an Asari Matriarch is here. Benezia?”

The Salarian tells us the same thing that his administrator did, that Benezia showed up a few days ago and has been at Peak 15 ever since. He does add that Benezia brought large cargo and that she was attended by Asari Commando bodyguards. 

“Commandos?” I repeat, letting my agitation show more than I mean to. “You didn’t think that was odd?” The whole idea of this place where corporations can go and do whatever they want with no questions asked puts me off. I hated the excess red tape on the Citadel, but I have too strong a sense of justice for this place. 

“They followed all of our regulations. I had no reason to forbid Lady Benezia from taking them.” His tone is really starting to piss me off. 

“Do you happen to know why she’s here?” Liara presses. 

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t be at liberty to say. She came as Agent Saren’s executor and is here on business for Binary Helix. There were issues at Peak 15 that required attention.” 

Shepard notes and crosses her arms over her chest, grounding herself like she knows in advance Anoleis is going to argue with her. “We need to see her. Immediately.” 

“I’m afraid that you cannot,” Anoleis replies cooly, folding his hands in front of him. “Peak 15 is a private facility in the Skadi Mountains. Even if you had permission, there is a blizzard in the area. Shuttles are grounded, and surface access has been cut off.” The Salarian decides the conversation is over there and turns back to one of his consoles. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ve received a dozen urgent messages while you dithered about.” 

Shepard rolls her eyes but signals for us to leave the room with her. “You know, Shepard, there was no security in that room. I could make it look like an accident,” I offer, only half kidding. 

“God, that’s tempting,” she groans, running a hand back over her hair. 

Human hair confuses me. When Shepard doesn’t tie it back, it’s wavy and seems untamed. But with one small elastic band, it looks as smooth as glass sometimes and does exactly what it’s told. It changes color when it’s wet, too...like when she’s in the shower. 

Focus, Vakarian. 

“You’ve never worked in the corporate world, have you, Commander?” Gianna calls as we pass her desk again. “You cannot bludgeon your way through bureaucracy. But Administrator Anoleis is not the only person who can give you a pass to get to Peak 15.” 

“You have an alternative?” 

Ginna looks quickly, making sure that the door to the Administrator’s office is closed to prevent him from overhearing us. “I’d start with Lorik Qui’in. You can find him in the hotel bar.” 

“Lorik Qui’in is here?” I repeat dumbly, something stirring deep inside me with recognition at the name. The way that Shepard glances up at me suggests that I might have sounded a little more excited than I meant to. 

“Yes. He’s the manager of the Noveria branch of Synthetic Insights. His office was closed.” She glances around toward the office door again, like she needs to make sure Anoleis isn’t listening. “The reasons are suspicious, and Lorik knows it. He has a pass, and he had some need for help.” 

Screw the pass; I know exactly how I’d like Lorik to repay me for any help. 

It might help that I had to watch Shepard flirt with that damn wide-eyed Alenko last night. Now I can make her watch the same.

We leave the Administrator’s office and head across the port, which has far too many gardens for my liking. Places like this are clearly trying to hide something. The hotel is lavish, all marble and polished chrome in the style of excess that Asari prefer when they’re showing off their money. The port has a diverse clientele, clearly, but a Turian sitting at a table along the wall of the bar draws my attention. 

Lorik Qui’in is one of the few people almost as tall as I am, though I still have a couple inches on him. And I like a physical challenge. He’s handsome, not hard to notice from a distance, and I’ve always liked the markings from his region of Palaven. It makes him an excellent wingman, but the dark plates and dark green eyes highlighted by short white lines moving out from the center of his face made him my target when we were teenagers. 

It was one of the few times when I actually had to put up a fight while sparring for dominance, which has made dominating him every time in the years since more fun. We don’t see each other very often, but every time we do, it ends the same way. My plates start to ease a little at just the thought. 

This is what I needed today. 

As we approach, I watch Lorik glance up quickly and notice Shepard, who is walking in front of me. I’m already smiling by the time he does a double-take and straightens when he spots me. Lorik’s mandibles spread wide on a grin, and he stands from the table. I notice Shepard move to greet him, so I can’t help but preen a little when Lorik doesn’t notice her at all, moving right for me instead. 

“And they say nothing hot ever comes to Noveria,” he quips, still grinning that grin as I reach him. 

I laugh at his joke and pull the other man in for a hug, my hands instinctively finding and staying on his waist. I feel his muscles react to it and couldn’t possibly miss it when he grazes a hand under my fringe, the movement tied to something deep inside my core. We part after a moment, Lorik’s hands moving to my biceps while mine don’t move from his waist. 

“You look good,” I offer, openly appraising him. 

“You, too. But that’s always been true. What the hell are you doing on Noveria?” 

I feel Lorik jump a little when someone clears their throat, both of us only remembering our audience then. The look on Shepard’s face when I turn toward them, one hand still on Lorik, feels like redemption. She’s been so at ease today, totally fine while I’m in pain and missing her, but now she looks...hurt? I can’t recognize that, but she is definitely pissed off, and I kind of love it.

“Lorik Qui’in, this is Commander Shepard and Dr. Liara T’Soni.” 

“Ah, I’d heard something about this. Nice to meet you.” 

I watch both women notice him viscerally, Liara’s eyes widening, and Shepard shifting her stance just a little more subtly. She accepts his outreached hand, and I don’t miss that they hold onto each other just a beat longer than they should. It doesn’t bother me, probably because Lorik is leaning into my side now. 

“Always nice to meet a friend of Garrus’,” Shepard returns, her smile easy though I can see the tightness in her eyes. “We actually heard you might be able to help us.” 

Lorik glances up at me, looking for my feedback on trusting her, I know. I nod and motion toward the table, finally releasing him so that we can all sit down together. A waitress appears with a round immediately, shameless ensuring that her breasts wind up in my face. 

Shepard like that even less than the hug with Lorik. 

“You’re a Spectre,” Lorik notes, revealing that he really has heard a lot about this. “What is there that I could help you with?” 

“We need to get into the garage. We have places to be,” Shepard informs him. 

I can hear Lorik’s heart skip a beat, so I know Gianna’s information was good. “You need a pass. That might be fortuitous for both of us.” He leans back in his chair, and I have to resist the urge to touch him. Shepard shifts beside me, and her leg brushes mine; the need to touch grows even stronger. “I’m the manager of the local Synthetic Insights office. At least for now.” 

“What happened?” 

“Mr. Anoleis closed my office. He claims to be investigating reports of my corruption,” Lorik explains, his tone bitter and rough. 

It surprises me to hear, and I glance at Shepard, giving her a small shake of my head to let her know that Lorik is not corrupt. I’m sure of it. 

“You’ve met Anoleis, I’m assuming?” Lorik confirms. 

“Unfortunately,” I groan. 

Shepard scoffs and adds, “He’s a Krogan-sized dick, huh?” 

Lorik laughs at that. “An interesting man, for sure. He has become rather wealthy since he took direct control of rents on the port. So I got evidence of his corruption.” Lorik scowls again. “And now his hired goons are ransacking my office to find it.” The Turian takes a deep breath and looks between Shepard and me. “Mr. Anoleis isn’t going to let you wander. I can give you my garage pass, but I could use the help recovering that evidence from my office. I’d even throw in some credits for the effort.” 

“Works for me,” Shepard agrees. “You got a plan?” 

Lorik looks surprises and glances over at me. His expression makes me laugh, and I assure him, “Yeah, she’s serious. It’s that simple.” 

“OK, then. Yeah, I have a plan. But there is one other...what’s the human expression? Fly in the lotion?” 

“Get your mind out of the gutter and tell us what’s going on.” Shepard laughs and then immediately seems like she didn’t want to give me that much. 

It takes that to make me realize how uncomfortable I’ve made her, and immediately I feel guilty. Maybe I’m not as ready to hurt her as I thought. 

“The only thing is that violence against Mr. Anoleis’ thugs might be necessary,” Lorik tells us. “He has members of Hanshan’s security team searching my offices. He’s paying them under the table - their Commander, Matsuo, is unaware of their extracurricular employment.” 

Shepard takes a breath, and I know she doesn’t love the idea of having a showdown with a civilian group, but she’s torn because we really need the pass. “Alright,” she says finally. “We’ll focus on finding the evidence and try for the best. If we’re lucky, we won’t have to fight anymore.” 

Lorik gives us a pass into his office so that we can access the elevator. He catches my forearm before we part, though when my eyes fall to his hold on my wrist, the other man drops his hand and tilts his head just enough to expose his throat to me. It’s a signal that he’s not trying to assert his dominance, that he’s still accepting his submission to me. 

And it turns me on. 

I know Lorik can hear that in my subtones when he smiles. “You around for a while?” he asks. 

I’m aware that Shepard has noticed I’m not following, and she’s waiting now. “Yeah, definitely. I’ll make time for you.” Lorik seems pleased at that, so I leave him to join the squad again. “Sorry for the delay.” 

“Scheduling a date?” Shepard asks, definitely trying to sound like she’s just teasing me, but I can hear how tight her tone is. 

I don’t want to hurt her, but I do want to see her reaction. She’s been so normal so far, I need to know if what happened last night bothers her at all - even if that’s petty. “Yes. Is that a problem?” 

Shepard whirls around so fast on her heel that I almost crash into her. “No. But schedule make-out sessions with your boyfriends off the clock.” 

I’m annoyed by the obstinate look in her eye, and I kind of hate being told what to do because I’m the worst Turian ever. “Oh, Shepard, you know me better than that. I don’t make out. I fuck.” I push past her, letting my shoulder brush hers hard enough that she has to step back to absorb the blow. 

I leave her to consider that and move to the elevator. I’ll deal with the blowback for my attitude and insubordination later. For now, I’m feeling a little vulnerable, and I need to take it out on the source. 

I knew Shepard was wildfire, but I don’t have to let her burn me. 

I’m almost grateful that the rogue security agents put up such a good fight. As a rule, I’m averse to killing civilians, but I really needed something to shoot today. It’s been hard enough to pretend things are normal with Garrus all day; having security up my ass since we got to this planet isn’t helping and watching the Turian blatantly flirt with someone else made me feel pretty murderous. 

Taking out the mouthy blonde ERCS Sergeant - who ends up being a pretty talented biotic - gives me a couple seconds of relief. Until I remember we have to go back to Garrus’ boy toy to deliver the evidence that started all this. 

For a moment, when Gianna Parasini stops us, I have a vain hope that she’ll deliver the evidence for us or find a conscious and just hand over a pass. Instead, it seems like she’s going to scold me. “Commander. I’ve gotten reports about a lot of noise from the Synthetic Insights office. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“Must have been your boss’ thugs,” I counter, crossing my arms over my chest. She’s been helpful, sure, but I’m still not sure whether or not she’s corrupt. 

“Perhaps it’s time that I introduce myself correctly.” The woman holds a hand out to me, only confusing me further. “Gianna Parasini. Internal Affairs.” 

Garrus cocks his head to the side and asks, “Why is an Internal Affairs agent working directly under Administrator Anoleis?”

Why does he have to look so adorable today?

“The Executive Board is aware of Anoleis’ corruption. I’ve been undercover for about six months,” she informs us. “I need your help. Convince Qui’in to testify before the board. With his evidence, we can run this planet profitably again.” 

I fail to hide a scoff at that, and Garrus glances down at me, most definitely aware of my distaste for having to talk to the Turian again now. 

“Why don’t you just talk to Qui’in directly?” I ask. It’s a lot nicer than the question I really want to ask: why do people always need me to do basic shit for them?

“As far as he knows, I’m Anoleis’ secretary. Do you really think he’d believe me, meet me in some dark alley with his evidence?” 

“You know, I’ve always thought corruption was the rule on Noveria,” Garrus charges. He’s got a point; we’ve seen nothing but foul play today, especially from the people who seem to be in charge. 

Gianna shakes her head. “The rule is don’t rock the boat. Self-interest is tolerated if it doesn’t interfere with business. Anoleis is driving customers away - including really valuable ones like Lorik Qui’in and Synthetic Insights.” 

“Look, whoever you are or really work for, the fact is that I need Qui’in to give me his garage pass. We have a mission to complete, and Hanshan’s profitability is not relevant to that mission.” I could give a shit less whether this Executive Board is losing money with Saren on the loose. 

“You help me out here, Shepard, and I’ll provide whatever you need.” I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. Everyone wants something from me. At least here, it means I can get what I need from them. 

I sink back into my hip and eye the woman. “You gave me the company line about Peak 15. You want my help, I need to know the truth.” 

Parasini glances around, and motions for us to move with her away from a few people likely aren’t close enough to hear anyway. “Before the weather closed in, Hanshan received a Code Omega from Peak 15. That means there was a terminal breach of safety protocol. No one goes up until the crew sends an all clear.” She puts her hands up defensively. “I swear, that’s all I’ve got. No one knows what’s going on up there.” 

“And what happens if the crew never sends an all-clear?” Liara asks, managing to keep her voice calm when obviously the information is not good. 

“The Executive Board will vote to decide whether or not to destroy the facility,” Parasini answers casually. “One antimatter warhead from the battle station vaporizes all contaminants.” 

“So this Code Omega is why Matriarch Benezia went up to Peak 15, the matter that she needed to look into on Saren’s behalf?” Garrus clarifies. 

Parasini confirms, and I sigh, realizing that this is already a major issue - one involving Asari commandos, and God only knows what kind of contaminants that caused the code. Not only do we have to face the Asaris and like Geth if Saren is involved, but something triggered the alarm in the first place. Something serious enough to make Saren send in an Asari Matriarch to deal with it. 

“I’m pretty sure you could convince him if you wanted to, Shepard. Lorik is the kind of guy who wants to do the right thing.” 

I don’t particularly love Garrus telling me all the wonderful things about the person he’s likely going to sleep with tonight when that person is not me, but it’s good information to have. 

“Alright. We’ll convince him to testify with the evidence.” 

“Thank you. You know where I work; come find me when you know he’ll play ball.” 

We part from Gianna and head back for the bar where Lorik Qui’in is supposed to be waiting for us. “I must confess that I am surprised by the depths of the corruption here,” Liara tells us on the way. “This is not something I see often working with other scientists.” 

“If you aren’t seeing corruption, it’s because you’re naive,” Garrus informs her plainly. “People who have money are corrupt, it’s that simple.” 

“Does that include your friend since he works here?” I challenge him. Garrus narrows his eyes at me but doesn’t say a word as we approach Lorik. I watch the other man recognize the Turian at my back on a visceral level and recall the way Garrus embraced him earlier. 

It’s not hard to see the appeal. Lorik Qui’in is extremely handsome, nearly as big as Garrus, and has a rumbly voice I really enjoy. 

I should probably be worried that all of a sudden, I’m finding multiple aliens so attractive, but then Lorik smiles up at me, and I really don’t care. When his eyes drop to scan me for just a second, I realize that I am anything but helpless in this situation.

This time, I take the seat beside Lorik at the table and leave Garrus on my other side. Lorik looks surprised but then smiles at me. “Always a pleasure, Commander. Any news?”

“Yeah, we finished the job...and then we were contacted by an Internal Affairs agent. She wants you to testify against Anoleis.” 

Lorik blinks rapidly at me and then looks to Garrus like he’s hoping for the ‘gotcha.’ “So now you have my property, and you want me to dictate how I use it?” I’m surprised at the sudden hostility in his tone, and then Garrus growls beside me, his mandibles clicking lightly. 

Is he threatening his friend to protest me?

Lorik takes a breath, visibly calming. “Sorry. You get tired of being coerced around here. I just...I don’t want to create a public spectacle. It could cost me my job.” 

“Lorik.” I reach out and place my hand over his, nothing his surprise but that he doesn’t move away. “Everyone on this station is chafing under Anoleis. You might end up a hero.” 

He laughs a bit and leans forward just slightly when he asks, “So heroes are your thing, Shepard?” 

I can feel Garrus tense beside me, but the opportunity is far too good to pass up, so I lean back toward Lorik. “You might just have to find out.” 

Liara clears her throat, and I ignore her, not looking away from the Turian’s deep green eyes. 

After a beat, he makes a soft noise in the back of his throat and straightens, so I do the same. “Exceptionally temping, Shepard, I assure you. But my employers rely on the goodwill of the Executive Board to work here.” 

“There is no way the Executive Board won’t blame Anoleis for all this in the first place,” Garrus notes. 

“You’re pushing me, too? Well, together, you’re definitely too much to say no to.” 

I force a laugh because I’m sure that he’s kidding and to hide the totally inappropriate rush of heat at the suggestion. Glancing up at Garrus doesn’t help at all since it’s impossible to tell from the look on his face whether he wants to devour or destroy both me and Lorik.

I get out of it all simply because we need to go back to Anoleis’ office to give Parasini the evidence. Garrus stays behind for a moment to share a few whispers with Lorik again before catching up, and I can’t help but think about it at least for a moment...they look so damn fine standing next to each other that it seems unfair. 

Fortunately, we aren’t held up for too long, and I get to fix the crappy day at least a little by watching Anoleis be arrested and dragged from his office for theft. 

There’s no time to worry about any of it now, though. With the pass in hand, we’re free to take a drive up the mountain in a blizzard to the Peak 15 site where an Asari Matriarch is waiting with her commandos. And that’s not even considering that there is some catastrophic event happening at the labs, bad enough that the Executive Board may consider just destroying the whole thing. 

Maybe I’ll get really lucky, and they’ll vote while we’re up there. 

I have more than enough on my plate, and I don’t need to be distracted by worrying about Garrus. 

I do need to worry about Liara, though. She’s tense and fidgeting on our way to the garage, so I slow down a little, which forces the Asari to do the same. “You holding up OK?” I ask. 

“Me? Oh, yes. Yes, I am fine.” I just give her a look, and the Asari smiles a little. “I’m not more anxious than I would expect. What about you?” 

“Me?” 

Liara smiles and glances toward Garrus, who is walking in front of us. “He might be right in calling me naive, but I am not blind. You two have been very tense with each other. It’s unusual.” 

I hate that she’s noticed something is off. Yet another reason not to get emotionally or otherwise involved with a crew member. “There’s nothing going on.” 

It’s a lie I’ve told repeatedly over the last couple weeks, and it makes me feel sick every time. Garrus doesn’t deserve to be hidden. He’s the only man who has ever told me that they value what I have to offer outside of sex, and I’m lying about him...probably within earshot. 

“Garrus and I are very close friends. Sometimes, that creates tension.” 

I know the Turian heard because he straightens so slightly I don’t think Liara noticed. 

“That I can understand,” Liara offers. “On archaeological digs, we are often with the same people for long periods of time. It makes for strong relationships but also big fights. Though, for what it’s worth, I’m not sure I’ve ever met two people who seem to complement each other as well as you and Garrus.” 

“Oh, well.” I just laugh that off and pray that she doesn’t notice my face heating up. I may not love people noticing how close I’ve gotten to Garrus, but it’s nice to know that some of the views are so positive. We reach the garage, and Garrus pauses to let the two of us through the doors into the security area ahead of him. 

I start to pass him behind Liara, but he catches my wrist gently, and I don’t fight him, stopping and looking up at him. 

He just starts at me while his mandibles twitch. The Turian says nothing, but he doesn’t have to. Truce. We’re OK. I reach up and pound my fist twice against his chest armor before opening my palm and letting my hand rest over his heart for just a moment. That makes him smile, and his happiness re-energizes me, so I approach the ERCS guard at the entrance to the garage confidently. 

This guard stops us, too, but at least she’s respectful. “Sorry, ma’am. Access to the garage is restricted.” 

“I have authorization.” Garrus is still holding the pass from Lorik, and he allows the woman to review it now. She confirms that we’re OK to pass through and offers a warning about the bad weather on the drive up before we leave her to move through the revolving doors. 

The garage is huge, and there are a few other vehicles here, including the Mako, which Joker already had delivered for us - probably before had actually had authorization to, if I know him. 

“Let’s go,” I direct them, aiming for the tank. 

“Shepard!” I jump at Garrus’ shout but barely have time for my feet to get back to the ground before the Turian has me slammed up against a different vehicle. Two quick rifle blasts and then a Geth drops straight down from the ceiling, landing hard on the roof of the truck with its flashlight face a foot from mine. “I figured out what Benezia had in those crates.” 

“There are more!” Liara calls. 

I try not to notice the lack of warmth when Garrus’ body moves away from mine, and I’m not prepared to think about the fact that he moved so fast to protect me. It’s not like I don’t have other things to worry about now, while three Geth Destroyers advance on us. 

“Shepard, your six,” Garrus calls, this time through our comms as we’ve spread out for the fight. “We’ve got another one above us.” 

“Can you get it?” 

“Of course, I can get it.” His tone is only a little cocky and a whole lot sexy. “But I can’t get it and keep the shield down in the Destroyers. T’Soni, it’s time to step up.” 

I glance over in their direction, finding Liara with her pistol out though it doesn’t look like she’s fired a shot yet. We have things under control without her, but Garrus is right - I can’t manage the last Destroyer alone, and he needs to get the Ghost on the ceiling. There are three people on this squad, and I need all of them right now. 

“Liara. Liara, look at me.” The Asari looks nervous about taking her eyes off of the Geth firing at us, but after a beat, her wide-eyed gaze is trained on me. “You can do this. Forget the gun and go with your biotics. Go with what you know. OK?” 

“Shepard...I don’t - “ 

“No time!” Garrus snaps. 

“Liara, we are moments from facing your mother and her Asari Commandos. You have to be able to do this. Hit that damned Geth, now!” I think the thought of being bested by her mother is the final straw, and finally, we see some action from the meek professor. One blow, and she has the Destroyer’s shield failing. “Vakarian, get that thing down from the ceiling.” 

“On it, Commander,” he confirms. I kind of love that he uses my title while we’re working and not just because it speaks to the level of respect that he has for my command.

Working with Liara, we get the shields down, and then I use my shotgun for a couple hard blasts. When the machine collapses, my first thought is to turn to Garrus and make sure he’s OK. A laugh escapes me when I find the Turian sniper leaning calmly against the tank and wiping down the scope of his rifle. “Oh, are you two finally finished?”

“By the Goddess, is he always like this?” Liara asks. 

I laugh at that too, shaking my head at impossibly blue eyes. “Yes, he is. And it’s fantastic.” Garrus flashes one hell of a smile and then straightens away from the Mako so that we can get back to work. 

It’s just in time since we need the entire day to deal with everything else that Noveria has to throw at us. The Rachni are an especially disturbing surprise, but the upside is that killing a Geth in the garage did something for Liara’s confidence, and she’s much better the rest of the day than we’ve ever seen her. Garrus, of course, is at the top of his game even in the face of all the battles for a station that is dealing with an epic clusterfuck. 

“Think she’s ready?” Garrus asks softly when we have some space from Liara while checking our ammo before finally facing Matriarch Benezia. We’ve made it through the lockdown, and she’s just through another set of doors, waiting with God knows what. Considering we’ve already faced Geth, Krogan, Asari, and Rachni...I’m not looking forward to it. Liara has to be dreading this even more.

“She’s done pretty well today,” I answer. “I think she’s ready to get some answers from her mother, one way or another. Can’t blame her for the stress.” 

Garrus smirks as he slips a heat sink into his rifle. “You could offer her another joining - for stress relief, of course.” 

“Very funny.” He laughs at my drawl. I eye him and wonder if I can push it, considering we were barely speaking this morning. He did start this, after all. “I suppose you think it’s fair that you be the only one blowing off steam tonight, is that it?” 

“Assuming the Asari Matriarch and her squad of commandos don’t kill us, I think I’ve earned some relief.” Garrus’ voice is harder than usual, even if he’s smirking, and I know that he’s not completely fine. He’s been distant all day, and I’m only trying to be normal for both of us.

“You know, I’m pretty sure Lorik wasn’t totally kidding earlier,” I note, watching his face closely for a reaction. “Maybe we can both get some relief.” 

Garrus’ eyes widen, and he takes a step away from me, totally the opposite of the reaction I wanted or expected. “What are you doing?” he demands, his voice soft but in a way that screams danger. “You can’t be with me and cool us off, Shepard, and you’re the one who said you wanted that.” 

“Actually...I said I wanted both.” I don’t know why I said that, but I regret it immediately. 

Garrus growls, and then in a flash, he’s totally invading my space. When I back into the wall for some breathing room, the massive Turian only follows and traps me with a dangerous glare. “You can’t say that and mean that you want to be able to fuck me regularly. I have some self-worth left, thanks. Figure your shit out, Shepard, or back off.” 

I can only blink at his back when he turns away, his words echoing in my head and sickness gripping my stomach. I never wanted to challenge his self-worth. My issues are why we’re at this place, standing at what feels like a crossroads, it’s not because of him. 

It didn’t even occur to me that Garrus might feel like I’m jerking his chain when, in reality, he’s got me so worked up that I don’t know how to feel anymore. 

I’m considering breaking all of my rules, and Garrus thinks I don’t really want him. 

Damn. It’s proof of how much I’ve screwed up by staying silent, by not telling him how I feel or why I’m confused. He’s been so open with me, and I’ve given him nothing in return. 

I push away from the wall and steel my resolve, determined that I can return the gesture and be open too. He’s worth a shot, even if it’s just for the sake of our friendship. Even if I’ve already ruined the possibility of anything else. I’ll figure my shit out. 

Right after we take down an Asari Matriarch.


	7. Breaking the Rules

The ironic thing is that if Saren were here right now, he’d be pissed at me for not having my head in the battle. That was one of his biggest lessons, especially since he trained me as a sniper. 

Focus. 

At the risk of everything else, focus on your target and your mission. 

My brain just can’t seem to remember that Shepard is not my target or my mission. She just takes up every thought in my waking hours...and some of the fun thoughts in my dreaming hours, too. 

Damn human. 

Now she’s got me walking into what promises to end in a firefight with an Asari Matriarch while I’m pissed off and at least a little turned on. I can’t believe she had the nerve to tell me that she’s thinking about taking Lorik up on his not-so-subtle offer to be with both of us. 

Before we parted with him on Port Hanshan, Lorik basically asked me to consider bringing her along. It’s not that the idea is a bad one...the thought of claiming both of them is enough to get me off alone. The problem is that we’re less than 24 hours out of Shepard saying we need to back off, that we have to cool down, and now she’s talking about a threesome with me. 

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

It’s obvious that the fiery human Spectre wants me. I can see it every time she looks at me and certainly in everything that we’ve done. I just didn’t think she wanted me in only the way that everyone else does. I could find a dozen women interested in my body. Hell, it’s how my father keeps managing new bonding contracts. Those women know I will never love them, and they’ll never love me; they don’t care - they get the parts of me they want. 

I thought my friendship with Shepard took us beyond that. Finding out I was wrong hurts like hell. 

I force myself to focus as Shepard gives the command and follow both women through the doors where we know Matriarch Benezia is waiting. The room is built in a square with a central platform accessible only by half of the walkway, the rest circling around behind. There is a huge tank at the top of the stairs, parked at the end of the platform, but I can’t see what might be inside it from this angle. 

At the moment, there is only one other person in this room with us. Matriarch Benezia is tall and elegant in appearance. Considering she works with Saren, I’m not surprised that her gown displays most of her breasts. She doesn’t move as we approach the bottom of the stairs slowly, just staring at the tank; my rifle is already in my hands, but until Shepard gives the word, I’ll keep it down. 

Movement inside the tank catches my attention, and I can’t help my gasp of surprise when I realize that it contains a massive Rachni - bigger than any of the ‘babies’ we saw today. This is definitely an adult Rachni and the first one I’ve ever seen live or in person. I know when Shepard sees it because she startles just a tiny bit, but we all keep our attention on Benezia as she speaks. 

“You do not know the privilege of being a mother,” the Asari informs us in a husky voice. “There is power in creation. To shape a life. Turn it toward happiness or despair.” She motions toward the tank and the Rachni inside. “Her children were to be ours. Raised to hunt and slay Saren’s enemies.” 

Shit. I don’t know a lot about Rachni, but we learned enough in school that I can deduce the thing in the tank is a queen, the creator of all the other Rachni here. 

Benezia turns toward us and approaches, taking slow and measured steps to the top of the stairs as she says, “I won’t be moved by sympathy. No matter who you bring into this confrontation.” 

“Liara is here because she’s a member of my crew,” Shepard informs the other woman simply. It’s true, even if it’s not the whole truth. Liara straightens her shoulders confidently and eyes her mother. 

“Indeed?” Benezia actually seems a little surprised by that. Maybe she didn’t expect that her daughter would work against her. “What have you told her about me, Liara?”

Even while Benezia addresses her daughter, she doesn’t look at her. She’s only watching Shepard, and I don’t like the look in her eyes at all. I shift my grip on my rifle so that my finger is rested on the trigger, but I don’t make a move yet. 

“What could I say, Mother? That you’re insane? Evil?” Liara demands, her voice rising in pitch already. She’s not going to be able to stay calm, but considering her hands are already glowing with blue biotic energy, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. At least she won’t freeze again. “Should I explain how to kill you? Tell me, what could I say?”

Matriarch Benezia takes a slow breath in, and the heads-up display on my visor records the increase in her pulse at her daughter’s words. Liara has some effect on her mother, whatever the woman may want us to believe. 

“Have you ever faced an Asari Commando unit before, Commander?” Benezia asks calmly. “Few humans have.” 

“Few humans are anything like me,” Shepard returns, her voice just as calm. Damn, she makes me hot. “I have to admit, even with everything I know, I’m surprised you’d kill your own daughter.” 

Benezia finally looks at Liara. “I now realize I should have been stricter with her. I’ll take care of it all now.” She shifts just enough for me to realize that a hit is coming, and I raise my rifle, the signal forcing Benezia to move instead of hitting us with her biotics. 

A door at the other end of the room flies open, and multiple armed Asari comes in. They have guns and biotics, but so do we.

We use the shape of the room to our advantage, moving around the space strategically while we take out multiple waves of powerful Asari and more than just a few Geth. The battle is tough, but with Liara on her game and Shepard the warrior that she is, we manage it pretty well. Benezia manages to force us into cover a few times when we get to an angle that she can fire her biotics at us from; she’s extremely powerful, and I note that neither Shepard nor Liara tries their own biotics against her. 

It doesn’t make me feel great when we ascend the steps to the central platform after wiping out the Asari commandos to face the Matriarch. She’s crouched down, facing the Rachni tank with her back to us, but I keep my crosshairs trained on the back of her head, fully prepared to take her down before I let her hurt Shepard. 

Or any of us, not just Shepard. Shit.

“This is not over,” Benezia informs us, voice just as calm as it was when we came in. She rises slowly but doesn’t turn to face us. “Saren is unstoppable. My head is filling with his light. Everything is clear.” 

“No harm is talking then, right? What is Saren’s next move?” Shepard asks. 

The Asari only spares a glance over her shoulder. “I will not betray him. You will…” She stops suddenly, and her heart rate spikes. “You…” 

Her voice becomes strained, and I glance at Shepard to see if she’s causing this, but both Shepard and Liara look confused. Benezia groans and leans forward, her hands meeting the glass of the tank, and I can see her body tremble. 

I nearly fire when Benezia whirls around suddenly, but the look in her eye gives me pause as she finally starts to approach us. 

“You must listen,” she insists, almost whispering like she thinks someone else is here to listen when she knows that we’re alone. “Saren still whispers in my mind. I can fight his compulsions, but only briefly. The indoctrination is strong.”

Liara falters, her hands and pistol lowering. 

“Why are you able to break free of his control now?” Shepard asks, cautious but not suspicious. 

“I was able to seal a part of my mind away from the indoctrination,” Benezia informs us. “I’ve been saving it for a moment when I could help destroy him. It will not last long.” 

“Indoctrination,” I repeat, disturbed and confused. “Are you saying that he brainwashed you? Saren is charming, sure, but brainwashing seems a little far-fetched.” 

Shepard seems to take that in, glancing at me, and I try not to let myself be swept up just because she values my thoughts and abilities in a fight.

Benezia shakes her head. “People...are not themselves around Saren. You come to idolize him, you would do anything for him.” 

My stomach knots, making me feel colder than even the weather here does. Something has changed drastically about a man that I’ve known so well and for so long.

“The key to this is Sovereign, his flagship,” Benezia tells us. “It’s a dreadnought of incredible siz,e and its power is extraordinary.” 

“The ship that attacked Eden Prime?” Shepard clarifies. I watch her shake her head a little and can tell she’s recalling the memories. “I didn’t think anything that size could land on a planet ‘til I saw it.” 

“It has a very powerful mass effect drive. But that is not Sovereign’s true power.” The Asari wrings her hands in exactly the same way I’ve seen on her daughter. “The longer you stay aboard the ship, the more Saren’s will seems correct. You sit at his feet and smile as his words pour into you. It’s so subtle at first that I thought I was strong enough to resist; instead...I became a willing tool.” 

The disgusted look on the Asari’s face makes me wonder exactly what Saren used the indoctrination to talk her into.

“He sent me here to find the location of the Mu Relay,” Benezia continues, her voice urgent now. “Its position was lost thousands of years ago.” 

“How does something the size of a relay go missing?”

I blink at Shepard’s question and then remember just how new humans are to the galaxy. “A few thousand years ago, a star near the relay went supernova. The shockwave sent the relay out of its systems,” I explain. “Most races learn about it in school.” 

“But the relay was not destroyed,” Benezia insists. “It’s precise vector and speed are impossible to determine. As millennia passed, the nebula created by the nova enveloped the relay. It is difficult to find any cold object in interstellar space. Particularly something swathed in hot dust and radiation.”

“Someone on Noveria found it?” 

“Two thousand years ago, the Rachni inhabited that part of the galaxy,” Benezia explains. “They discovered the relay.” 

I haven’t heard any of this, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. I’m not exactly an expert in interstellar intelligence - I just kill what I’m told to. And fuck human Commanders when they want it. 

Benezia turns to look back at the caged Rachni. “The Rachni share memories across generations. Queens inherit the knowledge of their mothers. I took the location of the relay from the Queen’s mind...I was not gentle.” 

She adds that last part sadly. 

“What does Saren want with the Mu Relay?” Liara asks, speaking to her mother now that her mind is clear for the first time. Liara’s voice has not changed, has not softened. 

“He believes that it will lead him to the Conduit,” she explains - the second time we’ve heard reference to this thing that we have no information or history on. “I would tell you more if I could, but Saren did not share his counsel with me. I was merely a servant to his cause.” 

Shepard takes a step forward and urges the woman, “You can still make things right. Give me the location of the relay, tell me what you learned.” 

“I transcribed the data onto an OSD. Take it, please,” Benezia urges, rushing forward suddenly. 

Shepard takes the disk but shakes her head. “The location of the relay isn’t enough to help us. Do you know where he plans to go from there?”

“No, Saren never shared his destination with me - or anything else as far as I know. But you must find out quickly,” she implores us. “I transmitted the coordinates to him before you arrived. You have to…” She cuts off in a groan, raising a hand to her forehead. “Oh, I can’t...his teeth are at my ear.” 

She gives a pained moan, and Liara starts to move toward her, but I catch her wrist to stop her and give a slight shake of my head; we can’t risk it. 

“You should...ugh, please, you should - “ 

Benezia spins away from us, holding her head, and Liara grips my arms. I think she needs it to ground herself. “Mother, I - don’t leave!” she shouts. “Fight him!” 

“You have always made me proud,” Benezia whispers. I feel Liara tremble and want to comfort her, but suddenly, the Matriarch whirls around to face us again. There’s a glow all the way around her, a true testament to her biotic power, and pure hatred in her eyes. Before I can react or prepare, she shouts, “Die!” 

A blast radiates from her and throws all of us back into the railing. Shepard hits the rail beside me and rolls smoothly to her knees, already firing. I manage to catch myself instead of falling and get a few shots off while Liara scrambles for cover, shooting as well. 

It’s a blast from her daughter that finally takes the Matriarch down. 

“I cannot go on,” she groans from the floor, holding her stomach. Blood seeps between her fingers from a close-range blast. “You will have to stop him, Shepard.” 

Shepard kneels in front of the woman as if she wasn’t shooting at us a second ago. I want nothing more than to keep my rifle up, but it would be pointed too closely at Shepard; I can’t stand the sight of her in my crosshairs. “Hold on, we’ve got Medi-Gel. Maybe we can - “ 

“No!” Benezia pushes Shepard’s hand, her Omni-Tool already keyed up, away. “He is still in my mind. I am not entirely myself. I never will be again. 

Liara bends down to her mother as the older Asari collapses back into the wall behind her. Benezia looks up at her and lifts a hand to Liara’s check. “Goodnight, Little Wing. I will see you again with the dawn.” Her eyes close, and then her hand falls away. 

Shepard reaches out for Liara right away, holding her shoulder in a comforting gesture. I feel for the girl, my chest tight with her grief and memories of my own. I’ve come too close to losing a parent. Liara takes a moment and then nods to Shepard before they climb to their feet. 

“You OK?” I ask Liara gently as Shepard walks toward the Rachni tank. I keep an eye trained on her the whole time, uncomfortable with a Rachni being here even if it’s behind thick glass. 

“I am, thank you. I think she is grateful that she is no longer under Saren’s control.” She has a point, and I would imagine she’s right. 

It takes a lot for me to think about Saren this way, as someone who indoctrinates other people to enslave them for his mission. I worked under the man, I was mentored by him and considered him a friend. He was a hard ass, he had a nasty temper and some ideals I didn’t agree with, but I can’t imagine this sort of behavior from him. 

“By the Goddess!” Liara shouts suddenly, snapping me out of those thoughts and making Shepard spin around. 

An Asari Commando, who was definitely dead moments ago, is now up, on her feet, and moving toward Shepard. Without a second thought, I fire a shot and nail it in the head...and the thing doesn’t stop or fall. Liara turns away and grabs my shoulder while she gags. 

With a bang that rattles the platform and startles Shepard, the Rachni is up against the glass, and the dead Asari goes stiff as a board...still on her feet. 

I leave Liara to gag and move to Shepard’s side; if the Asari can’t get shot dead, I can at least throw her across the room. 

The Asari zombie is moving again, its eyes still closed, and the Rachni pushes a long tentacle up against the glass. Shepard grabs my shoulder and pulls me to step backward with her even as she reaches around me to hold my rifle arm. 

“Something is happening,” she breathes as an explanation. I trust her and wait while the dead Asari continues until it reaches the glass, turns around, and presses its back to it. Suddenly, dead eyes fly open with irises black and hollow, just like during a joining. A noise like a low growl leaves it. 

“This one serves as our voice.” We both jump, the dead body speaking in a voice that clearly does not belong to it. 

“Spirits, is that the Rachni?” I demand, more than just a little freaked out. 

“Hands down the worst twenty-four hours ever,” Shepard mutters. I try to ignore the way that makes my gut clench, knowing she’s including our fight. 

“We cannot sing,” the Rachni Queen speaks. “Not in these low spaces. Your musics are colorless.” 

Shepard steps forward, looking between the Rachni and Asari with an expression that’s half horrified and half curious. I maneuver as well to keep her behind me, especially since she’s not armed. “Who exactly am I speaking to here?” she asks. 

“We are the mother. We sing for those left behind. The children you thought silenced.” 

Shepard glances toward me, and I can read what she wants from me. She moves closer to glass, standing beside the Asari and facing the tank so that she’s looking at the Queen. I stick behind her now, rifle ready to hit either the creature talking or the one that its voice is coming out of. 

“Please ask how it’s controlling the dead person,” I request. Shepard flashes me a smirk but lets the Rachni continue. 

“You are not in harmony with those who hoped to control us. What will you sing? Will you release us. Are we to fade away once more?”

“Release her?” Liara repeats. “Shepard, the Rachni are extremely dangerous.” 

“I have to agree. And considering millions of Krogan died during the Rachni Wars, I think Wrex might take personal offense to it,” I warn her. “There are acid tanks rigged up on here. You can take it out if you want to.” I wouldn’t dare tell her what to do, and she knows that. 

Shepard shakes her head. “The Salarians made a mistake, and everyone let the Krogan go too far. It’s never OK to eradicate a species; if anyone should understand that genocide is wrong, it’s Wrex.” That’s a very hard point to argue. “This is a chance for Rachni to atone. And she hasn’t done anything to us.” 

“You and your companions hear the truth,” the Rachni notes, apparently not mad at Liara or me for not being on her side. “You have the power to free us or return our people to the silence of memory.” 

“I need to make sure this isn’t a mistake. If I let you live, will you attack other races and planets again? Or encourage your children to do so?” Shepard presses. 

“No,” the Rachni Queen answers firmly. “We...I do not know what happened in the war. We only heard discordance, songs the color of oily shadows. We would seek a hidden place to teach our children history. If they understand, perhaps we would return.” 

Shepard is silent for a moment, no readable expression on her face. I know exactly what she’s going to do before she speaks and something that feels like pride builds in my chest. “I won’t be responsible for the destruction of an entire race. You’ll go free.” 

“You will give us a chance to compose anew?” The Rachni sounds almost genuinely surprised. “We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children.” 

Shepard motions toward me, and I don’t hesitate to approach the console, to follow her command. I’m sure that there will be consequences for this, and I’m not sure whether it’s the right decision, but I trust Shepard, and I want her to know that I respect her command. When I take over the console and access the controls, the tank lifts and rotates away from us. As soon as the Rachni moves away from the glass, the Asari, who was already dead, collapses. 

The Rachni turns to look at us one more time before it exits through the door of the tank, sending it off to Spirits only know where. 

“God, let’s get the hell out of here.” Shepard leads us out quickly, calling for a shuttle from the Normandy to get us back down to Port Hanshan and back onto our ship. 

It’s not a moment too soon for me. I’m agitated enough with everything happening with Shepard, but I still feel like all of those little Rachni babies are crawling all over me. I strip from my armor and shower as quickly as I can. The hot water temperature on the ship is even worse than on the Citadel, but it lasts longer, so I consider it a balance, and at least I feel clean. 

Wrex is leaning on the Mako when I get back downstairs, waiting for me. “Shepard wants us upstairs in five for debrief,” the Krogan grumbles. “Convince me I shouldn’t headbutt her when I get up there.” 

“I’d actually love to watch her kick your ass,” I admit. It makes the Krogan huff, which I’ve learned is almost as good as a chuckle from him. “I’m guessing you heard about the Rachni thing.” 

“Rachni thing? Those bugs nearly decimated the galaxy.” 

“Yeah, so did the Krogan. You a big fan of the response to that?” 

He’s aware that it’s a challenge, and I’m aware that it’s a risk. Wrex is close enough to bite me at least, and the genophage might deserve a bite or two, especially considering my people dispersed the toxin that the Salarians created. 

Wrex studies me for a moment and then huffs again. “You have a point, pretty boy. Shepard doesn’t want to cause genocide. Says a lot about her. Fine. I won’t kill your girlfriend today.” 

“Could you quit with the girlfriend thing?”

“Grow a quad and man up, Turian.” 

“Bite me, battle turtle,” I snap in response even if it totally lacks heat while the Krogan marches away and laughs at me. 

He heads for the elevator, and I need to follow him, but before I get a chance, my Omni-Tool alerts me to a call. If it was anyone but Lorik Qui’in, I’d probably ignore it. Lorik, however, is a potential escape for me from any mentions of girlfriends and women who can’t make up their minds. 

We’re going to be on Port Hanshan at least until the morning to refuel and restock. There’s no sense wasting this opportunity to pull myself together. Mindless sex, no feelings, is exactly what I need. 

I can’t get into a shower fast enough after getting off of Noveria. I might have chosen to save the Rachni Queen, but that doesn’t mean the bugs don’t skeeve me out magnificently. It was a long day altogether, and not just because of the battles we faced. 

With everything we dealt with today - the Rachni, the Matriarch and her death, the Queen - my mind is on Garrus. 

He’s not wrong about anything he said, and the guilt is plaguing me. I thought I’d made the right decision last night in pulling back from him. Neither of us has any business feeling jealous or territorial about the other. That wasn’t the deal we made; this was supposed to be casual and simple. 

As if the look on his face when I rejected him last night wasn’t bad enough, I had to make it a hundred times worse today by getting so jealous at the thought of Garrus alone with someone else that I basically invited myself along. Or did Lorik invite me? I don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know if I could go through with something like that. 

All I did was succeed in pushing my friend further away. Garrus feels cheap and used, and like I don’t care about him. And I don’t have it in me to tell him the truth. 

I’m not just losing a lover, but my confidant on the mission. I’d like to be able to debrief with him before the crew, get some perspective on what our next moves should be. After our last major mission, Garrus was there for me when I needed a friend. Even after I messed up today, he stood by my side and respected my command. He also stepped right in front of me when a zombie Asari was on the move. Garrus Vakarian is a good soldier and a great man. 

One who deserves a hell of a lot more than I’ve been giving him. 

My Omni-Tool beeps with the alarm that I set, warning me that I need to get into the debrief, so I head right for the Comm Room where the team is assembling as well. I’ll have to wait until after to talk to Garrus...if he’ll talk to me. 

“What’s our next move, Commander?” Ashley asks, taking a seat beside Kaidan. They should all have read the mission reports by now. “Mu Relay?” 

“The Mu Relay could link to dozens of systems. Unless we know exactly where Saren is heading, we’d be wasting our time,” I remind her, all of them. 

“The Commander is right,” Liara chimes in. “And I think Garrus would agree as well that if we learned anything at all from what we saw today, it is that we still need to learn more about Saren.” 

He affirms with a nod, though he’s staring at nothing on the floor. 

Ashley just scoffs. “Who put you in charge? Did the Commander resign when I wasn’t looking?” 

“We are all on the same team here, Williams. Liara is just trying to help.” Ashley falters under my gaze and mumbles an apology to the Asari. I exhale hard and stand, less prepared to deal with this than I thought. “We aren’t going after the Mu Relay, not yet. I need to figure some things out. And I need to report to the Council.”

“They’re ready when you are Commander,” Joker announces over the comms. 

“Good, patch them through. Crew dismissed.” I approach a terminal while the crew files out of the room behind me, mumbling to themselves and probably annoyed that the meeting lasted all of thirty seconds. They’ll just have to understand it; it’s all I have in me right now. 

Unfortunately, I have to find something for the Council. 

“Is this report accurate, Commander?” Tevos asks the moment the hologram comes through. “You found Rachni on Noveria?”

“And then released the Queen?” Sparatus adds, his tone tight and stance almost aggressive. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? How many generations until they’ve overrun the galaxy?” He looks angry, and I’ve never really seen any emotion on any of them. 

If he’s going to get pissed about my decisions, the Turian Councilor can come down off his throne and run the damn mission himself. 

“This Queen is different,” I tell them, trying to maintain my cool. “She understands why her kind had to be wiped out last time around.” 

Sparatus shakes his head. “I hope you’re right, Shepard. Our children’s children will pay the price if not.” 

Tevos sighs. “We’ll be waiting for your next report, Commander.” 

When the Council is gone, I just have to blink at the wall for a moment. I stopped Saren’s strongest ally, took on a whole bunch of Rachni, and ended corruption on a major galactic port. And all they want to do is yell at me. 

Why on Earth did I think being a Spectre was a good thing?

I’m on my own now, until I decide to give Joker the command to leave Port Hanshan...which we’re not scheduled to do until tomorrow. I gave shore leave as of a little while ago, so most of the crew is already gone. It’s not until then that I realize just how tense the day has made me. 

It’s not the fighting, it’s not what we learned about Saren and his plans. I cannot stand being on uneven ground with Garrus. The one person I want to turn to for stress relief and just for a friend, and he’s unavailable because I can’t manage to function without six-foot walls around my emotions. 

“You OK?” The unexpected voice makes me jump, but the fact that it belongs to the one person I need most right now makes me laugh. 

“How’d you know i was thinking of you?” I turn to face him and lean against one of the chairs with my arms crossed. 

“Got lucky for once.” He rubs his hand back over his fringe, signaling discomfort, and it makes me feel terribly guilty. “I just wanted to talk about earlier. What I said...the way that I talked to you was totally inappropriate. It’s not acceptable, and...I’m sorry.” 

I let out a harsh breath that I hadn’t even realized I was holding. There’s a lot that he could have said, but an apology feels like a good start. 

“I’m sorry, too. I’ve been...weird. Ridiculous. Probably making things more complicated than they need to be - and now I’m rambling.” Garrus doesn’t laugh at that or tease me the way I expect him too, only making me feel more awkward. “Look, can we just start over? Just hang out and finish our marathon?”

“Tonight?” I, uh…” He clears his throat. That simple thing is the single most awkward move I’ve ever seen from the Turian. “I can’t tonight. I...have plans.” 

“Oh, what - “ I stop myself when the answer to the question I didn’t ask hits me, but Garrus heard, and I can’t stand the sympathy on his face. He’s got the nerve to be pitying me because he’s leaving the spend the night with someone else. “Right. You’re spending the night with Lorik Qui’in.” 

Garrus hesitates for a moment and then comes further into the room, checking once over his shoulder to make sure we’re alone. “Shepard, I don’t know what you expect from me. I’m not trying to hurt you, I just...I don’t know what to do here.” 

“You could…” I take a deep breath to try and get myself to calm down enough to get the words out. “Cancel on him. We can spend the night together instead, try and figure things out.” 

It’s a lie. There’s no figuring things out, and I don’t want to talk. I just don’t want him with anyone else, and I don’t care how irrational, how selfish that is right now. 

“You want to sleep with me,” he notes, catching me on the lie because, of course, he does. “I can’t do that, Shepard. It’s…” 

“What?” I demand. I can feel him slipping through my fingers, and it scares me. “It’s better with a Turian, it’s a pain to sneak around, it’s - “ 

“Shepard, it’s too fucking hard. I’m breaking the rules, OK?” Garrus almost shouts, his voice raising enough that I might be worried someone else could hear him. I might be worried except that all I can focus on at the moment is Garrus. 

I scoff at him and shake my head. “You are not breaking the rules, actually. The rule was that we tell each other if we’re sleeping with someone else.” 

“That’s...that’s not the rule I’m talking about.” I frown up at him, but Garrus won’t look at me now. The shirt that he’s wearing has a low enough collar that I can see a blue tint creeping up his neck and can’t help but wonder if that’s a Turian blush. I’m not even sure I think Garrus is capable of blushing. 

It takes me a moment to remember the other rules, and then the rule that he must be talking about hits me like a charging Krogan. 

“Oh.” 

The reaction is pathetic, meek, not half of what I want to say, and absolutely none of what I’m feeling when this man has just confessed he’s falling in love with me. Instantly my heart starts racing, and my face feels hot. I can feel my hands shaking, and I have never wanted to touch anyone so badly. 

“Yeah.” Garrus gives a short, harsh laugh and still doesn’t look at me. “So I need to go and...I don’t know. Feel something for someone else. Or feel nothing. I need that.” 

I know that I should stop him, but my feet feel stuck in cement, and my mouth is totally dry. 

Garrus stops just before leaving the room and turns halfway back. “I’m sorry, Elle. For everything.” 

With that, he’s gone. I hear him released from the ship altogether a moment later and know that it’s all over. Garrus is the best person I’ve met and the best friend I’ve had in...maybe ever. Now, he’s gone. 

It should have been a great night. 

Lorik Qui’in is an excellent fuck, just the right side of insubordinate to make punishing him fun for it without it being a chore. I’m not exactly a slacker in bed and I know Lorik got what he needed from me, both of us climaxing multiple times - once before we even got our clothes off because I was so desperate to feel something when I walked in the door that I fucked him right there on the floor when his pants down around his knees.

The cause of that desperation ruined what would otherwise have been a great night. 

Last night was awful. 

I fucked Lorik to punish both of us, angry at myself for being here and at him for not being Shepard. I don’t want anyone else, and I hate myself for that. It’s weak and pathetic. Especially because Shepard is keeping me at such a firm distance. 

She said that we could be friends, but she wanted a booty call, and I can’t give that to her when my whole being is full of her. 

Spirits, I barely know her. She won’t let me in. She doesn’t want me. So instead of facing that reality, I fucked Lorik and myself senseless last night. And I haven’t gotten out of his bed yet because I’m terrified of going back to that ship and facing her. 

I did this to punish myself, not her. I’d never hurt her if I could avoid it. So, I need to believe that last night was the final shove to make Elle Shepard keep her distance from me. 

I have to push her away if I’m going to stop her from breaking me. 

“So when are you going to tell her?” 

Lorik’s voice from beside me startles me a bit since I hadn’t realized he was awake yet; I really must have been deep in thought. I turn my head, grateful to have spent a night comfortable on a bed built for my species at least, and frown at the man lying naked beside me. 

“Come on, Vakarian. We both know I’m not who you were thinking about last night.” 

“Fuck.” I drag my hand down my face, guilt feeling like ice in my gut, and roll toward him. “I’m sorry, Lorik. That’s really unfair to you.” 

I hate knowing I was distracted enough that my partner knew I wasn’t focused on them. This and killing things from impressive distances is really all I have going for me - I need to not screw either one of those up. 

“We both also know that I enjoyed the hell out of last night,” Lorik amends, lifting his brow plates to eye me. “I’m not complaining. I’m worried about a good friend.” 

“Ah. I think I’d prefer the complaining, can we go back to that?” He laughs at me and then moves before I see him coming so that very suddenly, he’s straddling my hips, and I’m staring up at him. “I do not like being topped, Qui’in.” 

Unless you have bright red hair and fantastic breasts.

“I know so listen close, and then I’ll let you punish me for it.” That gets attention behind my groin plates, and my hands move to his waist on instinct. Lorik flashes a smirk at me, but I can see his interest too, and I kind of hope he’ll forget what he wanted to talk about. “Pup. I saw that human with you. She wants you. What the hell are you doing here?” 

I try not to wince at his words, the truth still raw. “She doesn’t want me. Not...not the way I want her.” I don’t know what makes me confess that to him; maybe it’s just because I need to say it to someone. 

I need to make it real so I can quit hanging on.

Lorik blinks green eyes at me. The wrong shade of green. “Wow. Have you...have you ever been in love before, Garrus?”

I scoff and quickly slip one arm under his thigh, using the leverage to toss him off of me and back onto the other side of the bed where he can stop looking at me like that. 

“I don’t want to talk about this, and I’m not in love.” There’s still some hope for me if I can get some distance from her. And that’s why I came here last night; I need Shepard to be the one who walks away because I can’t say no to her. 

I get out of bed and start searching for my pants, idly hoping that we didn’t rip them since I’m too big to fit into Lorik’s clothes, and I don’t think the management on Port Hanshan will appreciate me walking back to the docks naked. Fortunately, they’re in one piece, and with my shorts as well, I start to yank my clothes on. 

Lorik stays on the bed, hands behind his head and just watching me...looking damn fine while he does it, especially with the sheets pooled low on his hips. The look on his face makes me feel hot. 

“Something else you wanted to say?” I ask him, aware that he’ll know it’s a challenge. 

Ever ready, Lorik grins. “Just taking in a sight many assumed impossible.” When I frown, his smile grows, and he clarifies, “Garrus Vakarian in love.” 

“Keep it up, and you’ll get that punishment,” I promise him, a growl already building in my chest and interest stirring with heat behind my plates. 

“Really?” he purrs while climbing out of bed himself. “Because I thought you had to be at the ship early.” When he approaches and stands too close for normal conversation, I scan him briefly. His heart is already racing, according to my visor - which we never bothered to take off last night. “But if you have time...I have a shower. 

The invitation feels painfully familiar. It sounds a lot like what I said to Shepard the morning after what was supposed to be our only one nightstand. The memory of the only time I showered with her is a powerful one, and I can think of no better way to get rid of it than to create a new one. 

I grip Lorik’s fringe and yank him against me, dragging my teeth down his throat and basking in his whimper. He quickly gathers himself and grips my arms to fight against me because he knows I like a little struggle for dominance, but I hold him tighter. 

“We don’t have time,” I growl into his ear, yanking his head back to expose his throat to me - Lorik doesn’t dare resist that. “You want me to fuck you, you’ll have to let me.” 

“Then grab a condom and take your pants off.” I meet his gaze, and his eyes flash with mirth before he obediently adds, “Sir.” I drop my hand to smack his ass, my cock jumping behind my plates in response to his yelp. “Don’t tease me if you don’t have time.” 

“There will be no teasing, don’t worry,” I promise him. “Get the shower started.” Lorik flashes a grin and pauses only to lick the tip of my mandible before he heads right for the bathroom. 

I tear through my belt and glance around to find the box of condoms I brought with me, all while my mind drifts to what Shepard might be doing at his moment. I wonder what she did last night...if she watched the rest of the Blasto movies without me. 

Fuck this. 

There’s a sexy, willing man waiting for me in the shower right now. Lorik will let me do whatever I want with his body and still give a shit about me after. I know his family, he asked about my sister by name, and we didn’t get any of it from each other’s dossier. I have plenty of friends I sleep with casually, and not a single one of them treats me as just a booty call. 

Clearly, Shepard doesn’t like or respect me enough for that. 

It’s half knowing that Lorik is waiting for me in the shower and half rage that Shepard could think so little of me that gets my erection going with gusto. Condom in hand, I head for the bathroom, already steamed up. 

“Shit, you have actual hot water,” I mutter, stripping out of my pants again. 

“The true value of living on Noveria,” Lorik calls from inside the shower. He pops open the glass door and ogles me blatantly, sneaking his tongue out to lick his mandible with his eyes trained on my cock. He’s hard and ready and waiting for me. “So, something is wrong with the human Spectre, right? I mean, who in their right mind would give you up?”

His gaze lifts to meet mine when he says it, making the point that he’s not just talking about what’s in my pants...or what’s very much out in the open right now. 

No more hesitation, I back Lorik into the far wall of the shower when I enter and pin him with my hands and either side of his head. He starts panting almost immediately, his heart rate spiking when I press the condom into his hand. His eyes meet mine, looking for permission. 

“Get me ready to take you.” 

I hold his gaze while he tears the foil with his teeth and a breath hisses out of me when his hand grips my cock. I look down to watch him stroke slowly, a strong hand and dangerous talons squeezing the head hard. He rolls the condom on me efficiently, and then I smack his hand away, needing release much harder than his hands can deliver. 

“Turn around.” I grab a bottle of oil he has on a shelf in use some on my fingers while making room for him to maneuver. 

He doesn’t do anything other than what I’ve told him to, only turning around and waiting because he’s used to his role even if we’ve spent years apart. I wrap my other hand around his throat and pull him back into me, his pulse pounding under my hand while he gives a soft growl of arousal. His subtones are flanging wildly, and they escalate when I nip his throat hard. 

“Bend down and spread yourself for me,” I order when I release him. He obeys immediately, and that’s just as hot as the sight of him folding in front of me. “Further. Crouch.” 

“Fuck,” he moans softly, aware that the position means I’m going to take him hard. 

“No talking, not if you want to be allowed to cum.” He gives a fantastic sounding groan, and I make short work of testing him with my fingers; he doesn’t need a lot of work to spread since I spent most of the night here. The sight of his ass makes my cock twitch violently, and I hold his hips firmly to position myself above him. 

From this angle, surrounded by the heat and steam of the shower with hot water pounding my back, I can take him hard and fast - and I do just that, thrusting my hips hard to sink in up to the hilt. 

Lorik starts to cry out before snapping his mouth shut, so the sound becomes muffled. He has to stop himself from falling completely with his forearm on the floor, and I feel him panic about breaking the position I put him in. “It’s OK, brace yourself,” I assure him. 

I give him a second to do just that, and then I pound in, slamming myself home with force. He stifles the next cry and moans, the sound and tight hold of his ass making me do the same. 

Lorik’s body feels great - hot and tight and literally made for me - but he was right; my mind isn’t on him at all. If I wish Shepard was here, it’s mostly because I want her to watch and know she doesn’t own me. I don’t need to let her jerk me around when I can have anyone else; maybe I should show her the list of marriage contracts my father has for me. 

OK, well, that thought isn’t going to help me get there at all.

I focus on the body in front of me and redouble my efforts, pounding relentlessly into him at a punishing pace. I can tell Lorik wants to scream my name, but he holds onto his direction not to talk, pounding the floor of the shower with his fist, and his throat flushed blue with the effort to hold back. 

I reward him with mercy. “Go ahead.” 

“Fuck, Garrus,” he cries out, his body shuddering violently. “I need more, please, please, Garrus.” The moan is mine this time, and I roll my hips against him on the next thrust, rubbing a spot I know well deep inside him. “Yes - fuck!” 

He trails off into an unintelligible string of mostly just sounds and subtones while he cums hard. Normally I drag more than one from my partners, but I really am in a rush and need to finish, so I close my eyes and let go before burying myself inside him and exploding on one final thrust. 

I hold myself inside him for a moment while I catch my breath and then hold him steady before pulling out slowly. The little whimper Lorik releases is definitely enough to make me want to go again, but I’m at least a little nervous Shepard will leave without me if I’m not at the ship on time. 

Lorik pulls himself up on shaky legs, and I let him lean back against me to gather himself, wrapping my arms around his waist. “You OK?”

“Really fucking good,” he responds with a sated laugh. “But damn Vakarian, you’ve got it bad.” 

“Go back to not talking,” I growl back at him. I push him away but not hard enough to risk hurting him, and Lorik only laughs. He has the sense to keep quiet while he cleans up quickly, but he’s smiling at me again by the time we put our clothes back on. 

“Shame you’re leaving. You could invite Commander Shepard over,” he suggests playfully, wisely waiting until I’m pulling on my boots. 

He just laughs at my growl, the threat of punishment gone now that he knows I really do have to leave. 

When I stand, fully dressed, Lorik’s smile fades, and he grows serious for a moment. “You’re being careful out there, right? This shit sounds pretty serious, and we know Saren is no one to fuck with.”

It really is nice to have someone care about you after you make them cum. 

“Don’t worry about me. We’re gonna put an end to all of it soon.” Lorik seems to accept that, and he’s smiling again when I hug him. 

We part of his door, and I make the walk back to the Normandy on my own, taking each step slowly because it feels like walking into a varren den. Shepard was pretty upset when I left last night, even though I didn’t intend to hurt her then. 

I didn’t intend to tell her that I’m falling for her either - further proof that it’s too dangerous for me to spend time with her. 

Everything is going to be different on that little ship now. Now...I’ve lost my best friend again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so grateful for all of your hits, kudos, and comments. This has been a passion project for me for YEARS, and sharing it with you is like baring my soul. Thank you <3


	8. Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay in responding to comments this past week; I've been sick. Your comments mean SO much to me. Please don't stop. <3

I'm well aware that I’m being petty, and I really don’t care. It’s not like I’m doing anything to compromise the mission or my team. We’ll be just fine on Feros. 

We will be just fine without Garrus on the squad for the first time since he joined the crew. 

The decision has caused a bit of a ruckus on the ship, I know. No one has questioned me on it directly since they’ve all learned better - and probably since Garrus has barely been speaking to me at all - but talk is there. I wish it wasn’t so obvious something is off, but I’m only human and can’t help how I feel. 

And how I feel is pretty irritated. Jealous, yes, Pissed. I feel played. 

Garrus told me he had serious feelings for me, turned down my offer to spend the night together, and then went out to fuck someone else all at once. Then he came sauntering back onto the ship while the rest of us were having breakfast the next morning, smelling of sex and looking damn satisfied. I’m not too big to admit I can’t stand knowing someone other than me put that look on him. 

Worse, I feel like he flaunted reminders that the sex we had isn’t what he’s used to just because I can’t put the scratches and marks that we all saw on him during a sparring round with Wrex the next day. Garrus and his friend clearly had the sort of sex I stumbled across on the extranet while trying to figure out if there was a way I could convince him to want me more than Lorik.

It hurts more than a little to know that the answer might have been be Turian. 

OK, fine, maybe I rejected his offer of more, of having both our friendship and the sex. But I never wanted all of it to end. And I didn’t want him in someone else’s arms. I know I’m being irrational and petty, but I’m only human.

So today, as we reach Feros, where we’re following up on a lead about Geth at a human colony called Zhu’s Hope, I’m not bringing Garrus on the mission with me. 

Ashley and Kaidan will be on my squad instead. The Alliance crew members are eager for a chance to prove themselves, especially Kaidan, who has been even more insistent since I stopped spending time with Garrus at night. Flirting with him has been the only bright point of the last two days when I’ve otherwise been either working or moping. I might be using him a little, and maybe that’s part of the reason why he makes the squad, but Kaidan doesn’t seem to mind either way. 

I can’t take the decision back now anyhow, and I don’t really want to. Garrus doesn’t get to see the action on Feros today, and he certainly doesn’t get to believe that I need him. 

Of course, the decision doesn’t stop part of me from waiting for Garrus to come see me all day as we prepare for the mission. He finished breakfast early and hasn’t emerged from the garage again, just down there working away on the Mako. I know he had lunch with Tali, and I know the Quarian is fretting pretty heavily over the rift between us. Tali likes her friendship with each of us and now feels like she has to choose. 

I feel guilty for putting her in that place, and I also feel like she should choose Garrus. I want them to have each other. 

I can only do so much prepping and polishing of my armor before heading down to the garage, where I know I’ll have to face Garrus. My gear needs to be prepped as well, so when Joker signals our approach, I finally take the elevator down. 

Still on my petty streak, I intend to avoid looking to my right where Garrus is certain to be working on the tank. Instead, I find him with Wrex near the weapons lockers. They’re both laughing, though I watch the smile drop quickly from the Turian’s face when they spot me. 

I hate that I still get butterflies at the sight of the tall, gorgeous man when he’s so obviously unhappy to see me. I hate that I’ve made such a good friend unhappy to see me, too. 

“Shepard. If you’re taking the humans to leave one behind, I vote for the xenophobe,” Wrex grumbles, leaning against the wall like nothing in the world bothers him. 

Garrus chuckles softly at that. “You’ll have to be more specific there, Wrex,” he advises. 

It’s not directed at me, but the fact that I’m involved in the conversation makes it the most he’s said to me in three days. On a small ship, avoiding someone takes effort, and Garrus is doing a damn good job of it. 

“I’ll take that into consideration, guys, thanks.” 

I head for my locker and find it in a surprising state. I have to stop and think for a moment, trying to remember if I did come down here and prepare earlier. All of my weapons are cleaned, loaded, primed, and waiting for me to collect them; even my favorite assault rifle was chosen correctly. 

“You know, Shepard, I wouldn’t do that for a female unless I knew for certain I was getting laid. And even then, I wouldn’t,” Wrex informs me plainly, eyeing me sideways like he knew I was confused. I just blink at him for a moment, still lost. 

Then it occurs to me that only one person knows the combination to my locker - my birthday - and knows what weapons I prefer for Geth. 

I turn to find Garrus standing near the Mako with his back to us, typing away on the console. I need to thank him. I should thank him. It was really thoughtful...Wrex isn’t wrong, no one else would think to do this for me just to make my day a little easier.

I kind of hate what a good friend he is, considering I don’t think we’re actually friends right now.

“I’m not a female, Wrex,” I inform him as I walk away, sucking up my prideful pettiness and crossing the garage to the Turian. “I am a woman. Learning the difference will get you a long way.” 

“I am four hundred years old and a Krogan. I don’t change.” 

That makes me laugh, and I’m grateful for the release of tension as I approach Garrus’ back. And his cute butt. “Hey, Garrus.” 

“Commander.” His response comes quickly, polite and professional. It knocks the smile right off my face, and any momentum I might have had disappears. He might have done something nice for me, but it apparently wasn’t in an effort to start a conversation or reconcile; he doesn’t even turn to face me, so I’m forced to thank his back. 

My voice is quieter when I try to speak again. “I just wanted to say thanks for my locker.” He stops typing and turns slowly. It’s worse to have to talk to impossibly blue eyes than his back, that’s for sure. “It was really nice of you.” 

“Just trying to be helpful, Commander. Mako is all ready to go for you, too. Good luck on Feros.” The Turian gives nothing away in his voice, his face, or his stance. He’s not hard, just...professional. He feels like he’s miles from me, and the image of his back and shoulders covered in scratches that someone else put on him in the throes of passion crosses my mind. 

I force a nod and spin on my heel, moving back to my weapons locker to stock up. I can feel his eyes on me from behind for at least part of the walk, but I never look back. For once, I’m grateful when Ashley and Kaidan arrive so that I can push any thoughts of Garrus and his distant behavior and our wrecked friendship out of my mind. 

“The Geth reports are still active on Zhu’s Hope, Skipper?” Ashley asks. 

“They were until about twelve hours ago when the Alliance lost all contact with the colony,” I tell them. “No idea what we’re walking into, so be prepared for anything.” 

“Always am, Commander.” Kaidan uses my title just like Garrus did, but his tone is less professional. I offer him a smile and wish I had more to give; if nothing else, Kaidan might be a welcome distraction for me today. 

Besides, there are colonists in danger with Geth to kill and a nutjob Turian to stop. 

Focus is easy to come by when we arrive on Feros because the situation is obviously pretty grave. The colony is no longer thriving the way Admiral Hackett described it to me a few days ago; their numbers have been violently slashed and they’re without food, water, or a power source. On top of all that, the Geth are attacking them almost constantly if the way everyone is on edge is any sign. These people needed help from the Alliance way before now, and I’m annoyed that Geth presence meant they had to wait for the Normandy specifically; I’ll have to talk to Hackett about that policy, but I get my team to work right away. 

The Geth are attacking through a tower that leads up to a walkway and connects the entire colony. They’re accessing it from drop ships above the colony and are relentless in sending wave after wave down here. I take Kaidan and Ashley up into the stairwell to face them head-on instead, and we work as a unit to take them out. 

“Commander, one of those Ghost guys are up on the wall,” Ashley advises, ducking another shot from above us. 

She’s right, the damn thing has us almost trapped in cover. “Garrus, can you - “ I stop myself, the mistake obvious. My sniper would have had the thing down already. 

“I’ve got it, Commander.” Before I can stop him, Kaidan breaks cover and sends a biotic blast toward the Geth just as it hops to another wall. I roll my eyes even as I watch Kaidan run for new cover with concern; if I thought biotics could do it, I would have taken the thing out that way myself. 

“You two keep their attention and cover me,” I command them. “I’ll do it.” 

I draw my pistol from my hip and manage to take it out with a few more shots - and without getting shot by any of the others. I have to help Ashley and Kaidan finish off the rest of the squadron after...because none of us can take them out with one shot through the flashlight every time. 

Frustration with myself builds quickly. I’m on edge; I have my shields up much more than usual, and I’m being more conservative because I don’t feel as safe as I’m used to feeling on missions now. I’d like to lie to myself and say that maybe it’s because we’re shooting in an unfamiliar and awkward place or that it’s because these Geth are particularly good. 

The truth sucks much more. I feel unsafe because Garrus isn’t here. Not only am I missing his talent, but the Turian doesn’t hide his efforts to protect me. He’d walk right into the line of fire if needed. 

I don’t doubt that Ashley and Kaidan care about me or that they’re dedicated to the mission, but they’re more worried about dodging and making their own shots. I get that, and I commend it; in fact, I scold Garrus for taking his position on my six so seriously that it puts him at extra risk. Now that I don’t have what feels like an assurance of safety with nearly seven feet and three hundred pounds of Turian sharpshooter behind me, I hate that I feel exposed and vulnerable. 

We finally manage to defeat the Geth and take down a transmitter that was drawing the dropships to get some stability, even if it’s temporary. I lead the squad back to the colony, only a little dustier and mildly winded for the moment. It’s hot here without power but not unbearably so. Still, I’m hoping we can get through this whole thing and back onto the ship quickly...even if there is nothing waiting for me there. 

We meet the colony leader, Fai Dan, a short man who comes off pretty jumpy and tense. “The tower is secure,” he says by way of greeting when we approach him. “Thank you, Commander.” 

“I’m just glad your people are safe.” 

He nods rapidly, his eyes darting around; it seems like he’s expecting more Geth to pop out of nowhere at any second. I remember living on edge like that. “I appreciate your concern,” he assures us. “And your efforts against the Geth.” 

“You might have slowed them down, but they’ll be back,” the woman beside him snaps, her hands clenched tight around her rifle. “They always come back.” 

“The Geth don’t just show up for nothing - they’re on a specific mission, which means that they’re looking for something specific here,” I tell them both. I offer a shrug, trying to appear calm to get them to calm down a little. “Help me figure out what the Geth want, and you’ll all make it out of this.”

Fai Dan shakes his head, and before he even opens his mouth, I know that he’s about to lie to me. “We don’t know what they’re after. They came, and they attacked us. That’s all we know.” I look to his companion, but she doesn’t offer anything else. 

Why these people would choose to lie when I’m here to save their lives is beyond me. I might feel for what they’re going through, but I don’t have much tolerance for bullshit. 

Fai Dan seems to waver a little under my gaze, and he sighs after a bit, shifting uncomfortably between his feet. “Look, most of their focus has been at ExoGeni headquarters. A good place to start looking for...answers.” 

We press them to find out that ExoGeni is the company funding this colony and where most of the colonists are employed. The skyway at the top of the stairwell we just fought in will take us directly to take a section of the settlement, and we don’t waste time getting there since the colonists aren’t going to offer any more help. 

It certainly seems like the Geth want to keep us out of the headquarters and away from whatever is in there, but we manage to get across in the Mako. 

I’m trying not to be annoyed with Ashley and Kaidan. It’s my fault that they haven’t been on many missions, not theirs. But it means that I don’t have the synchronicity with the two of them that I can rely on with Wrex or Tali or even that I think I could develop with Liara. I have to give orders constantly instead of having people on the squad who know from experience what I want them to do. 

And I don’t have Garrus to read my mind, for banter to keep my stress down, or to make the shots I need. 

In any case, Ashley and Kaidan are least keeping up when I lead them down into a bunker where we’re picking up static from live radio communication. We have our weapons drawn on approach, just in case, but when I realize the room is full of people - no Geth - I give the order to put them away. There are two armed guards with ExoGeni insignia on their armor, but they don’t look inclined to shoot. 

The man who approaches us, however, looks damn alarmed at our arrival. His expression has his face pulled so tight I’m worried for his safety. “That’s close enough!” he almost shouts when I’m still about thirty feet from him. 

I can feel Kaidan’s footsteps falter behind me like he thought I might actually follow that order and stop. He really doesn’t know me very well. 

A woman approaches as well just as I reach the little man, and she’s much calmer in appearance and tone though I can see heavy bags under her eyes. “Relax, Jeong,” she advises. “They’re pretty obviously not Geth.” 

“Get back, Juliana!” Jeong snaps like he’s not totally sure we aren’t alien robots. 

I must have gotten even less sleep last night than I realized if I’m looking to look like a Geth. 

“I’m Commander Shepard,” I tell them both. I need to get to work, not deal with his panic attack. “I’m here to remove your Geth problem.” 

Juliana scoffs at her coworker or whatever he is, patting his shoulder. “See? You worry too much.” 

“And you trust too easily!” He says it in almost a stage whisper, and I can’t help but roll my eyes. Garrus would definitely enjoy messing with this guy; Ashley and Kaidan are silent on either side of me, ever the by-the-book Alliance professionals. Boring. 

I shake my head to force out the errant thoughts and focus. 

“I’m just glad to see a friendly face,” Juliana assures us. “I thought we were the only ones left on this planet.” I frown at that and feel Ashley’s eyes on me with a frown of her own. They might be separate from the colony but not so far removed that they shouldn’t know the colonists are still there. “What?” Juliana asks, reading our expressions. 

“Fai Dan and some members of Zhu’s Hope colony are still here.” 

Juliana’s mouth drops open and then promptly snaps it shut again so hard I can hear her teeth clench. She whirls on Jeong, who already looks guilty. “You said they were all dead!” 

“I said they were probably all dead.” 

“Well, they’re not dead. But the Geth are really pounding them,” Ashley chimes in. 

“We know what that’s like. Those damn synthetics are relentless.” Juliana shudders slightly after she says it, and both of them glance past us, still on edge and expecting more attacks even while they’re hidden down here. 

It bothers me to see fear on the face of innocent civilians, but desperation is something I can use to our advantage. “I can keep them away from you, but I need some information.” 

Jeong is back to eyeing us suspiciously when he asks, “What kind of information?”

“Ignore him,” Juliana interrupts. “The Geth are up in the ExoGeni Headquarters. You’re close, they’re in the tower a bit further up the skyway.” 

“Those headquarters are private property, Commander!” Jeong takes a bold step toward me and points a long finger. “Remove the Geth and nothing else!” 

I take a step right back toward him, and the man cowers instantly. “I’m a Spectre, and I don’t need your permission to take whatever I damn well, please. Lucky for you, I have no interest in your company secrets. Just, you know, saving your asses.” 

He blinks rapidly at me and then gives a weak nod. 

Juliana looks at him with barely contained disdain. “What else do you need to know, Commander?”

“I need to know why the Geth are here in the first place,” I urge her. “What are they after?”

Juliana glances at Jeong, who is profusely shaking his head, telling her to lie right to my face. I consider holding him at gunpoint for information - or just for fun - but Juliana makes the right move and decides talking is a good idea. 

Unfortunately for us, that means learning about the Thorian. 

At first, I think she has to be screwing with us about an ancient plant with mind-control capabilities. I mostly just assume they’re exhausted and sleep-deprived, or maybe she’s speaking in code. There’s just no way this Thorian is real. 

Or at least I don’t believe her until the colonists go all zombie and start shooting at us. 

I almost shoot Kaidan and Ashley myself when they argue with my command not to harm a single colonist but to use nerve gas grenades instead to know them out. They don’t continue their argument, and none of the colonists are so much as injured, but I make it clear it’s not something I’ll forget. 

It only takes fighting through about a hundred more Geth on the skyway and in Exogeni’s headquarters before we see the damn Thorian for ourselves. It’s unlike any plant I’ve ever seen or imagined, especially considering it spits out a talking Asari Commando clone and is defended violently by husks that spit acid. 

Kaidan proves his worth to the squad, using pretty damn impressive biotics to keep those things at a distance until we can disconnect enough of the plant’s tendrils to disable it. 

The weird doesn’t stop when we’re back on the ground level and find the Asari again. Only now she’s blue instead of an unnatural green and...crawling out of a node on the wall like she’s being birthed. Yuck. I keep my gun leveled at the Asari as she climbs to her feet much more unsteadily than we’ve seen from the fighter before. 

The moment she looks up at us, I lower my gun and feel more concern than anger. Her eyes are clear, no longer black. This isn’t a clone, but possibly the original.

“I’m free,” she breathes. “I’m...free. Thank you. Thank you for releasing me.” 

I can tell she’s a little dazed, but we aren’t going to be able to find a better source for information on what the hell is going on here. Still, I want to make sure the Asari isn’t too badly injured before I question her. “Are you hurt?”

“No, I am fine. Or...I think I will be in time.” She takes a breath and steadies herself. “My name is Shiala. I serve...well, served Matriarch Benezia. When she allied herself with Saren, so did I. Benezia foresaw the influence Saren would have, and she joined him to guide him down a gentler path. But Saren is compelling, and Benezia lost her way.” 

“I met Matriarch Benezia recently. She was trying to battle the indoctrination, and I believe she had good intentions,” I admit. I find myself wishing Liara was here for this. 

“The strength of his influence is truly troubling.” Shiala looks honestly disturbed and even a little confused talking about it now like she’s not sure when things started to change. I saw the same look on Matriarch Benezia; it tells me that Saren and his ship, Sovereign, are extremely dangerous. 

People don’t even know they’re being indoctrinated until it’s too late. The thought makes me feel sick, the implications of that sinking in hard and heavy. 

Shiala walks away a bit, toward the center of the tower where the Thorian was hanging recently. It’s somewhere at the bottom now. “I was a willing slave when Saren brought me to this world,” she tells us. “He needed my biotics to communicate with the Thorian, to learn its secrets. Saren offered me in trade. I was sacrificed to secure an alliance between Saren and the Thorian.” 

“Saren is pretty quick to betrayal,” I growl, feeling a stab of pain in my heart at the memory of Nihlus and how Garrus sounded on the call when I told him about Eden Prime.

“He was quick to betray the Thorian, too,” Shiala continues. “After he got what he wanted, Saren ordered the Geth to destroy all evidence of its existence.” 

I take a breath and nod to myself, feeling the pieces click in my mind. “So the Thorian was using the colonists and its control over them to protect itself from the Geth. And the Geth were just killing everything in sight, no surprise there.” 

It makes me even more grateful that we didn’t hurt any of the colonists, that I didn’t listen to Kaidan or Ashley when they argued for safety and efficiency. 

“You were right, Commander,” Kaidan offers. “Every colonist who fired at us was an innocent victim.” I nod to him, grateful that he’s able to concede that now. 

Shiala isn’t done dropping bombshells. “Saren knows you’re after the conduit.” I snap my head up, focused again on the Asari. “He knows you are following his steps. He attacked the Thorian so that you could not gain the Cipher.” 

“Cipher?”

“The beacon on Eden Prime gave you visions, but the visions are unclear and confusing, right?” 

I feel my spine stiffen at her knowledge, especially in front of Ashley and Kaidan, who don’t know I’m still having the visions. Liara and Dr. Chakwas know about the visions because they need to, but I’ve only really shared any of it with Garrus. I don’t trust anyone else, and right now, I feel exposed. “Those beacons were meant for a Prothean mind; to truly comprehend the visions, you must think like and understand a Prothean.” 

Again, Shiala looks toward the dead plant thing. She seems...not quite sad but almost lost. “The Thorian was here long before the Protheans built this city. It watched them, studied them. When they died, it consumed them. The Protheans became part of it. 

“So the Thorian taught Saren to think like a Prothean?” This all sounds too weird to believe. 

“The Cipher is the very existence of the Protheans,” Shiala explains. “It cannot be described or explained. It would be like trying to describe color to a creature without eyes.” 

Ashley scoffs. “Maybe we could cut the poetry and get right to the point?”

“Knock it off.” She blinks at my tone but nods immediately and keeps her mouth shut. “Go on,” I urge Shiala. I’m not going to let Ashley’s xenophobia annoy a potential ally. 

“To understand, you must have access to endemic ancestral memory. A viewpoint spanning thousands of Prothean generations.” Shiala crosses her arms like the memory is unpleasant. “I sensed this ancestral memory when I melded with the Thorian.” 

“I need that knowledge to stop Saren.” Now I’m the one looking down the hole and maybe wishing I had let the Thorian live. 

Shiala is quiet for a beat, and then her voice is softer, almost hesitant, when she says, “There is a way. I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren.” 

“Commander, I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Kaidan interrupts. “She did work for Saren, we can’t entirely trust her.” 

“I understand,” Shiala assures me when I look at her. 

Kaidan has a point. I don’t know this person and her clones were trying to kill us not ten minutes ago. All of this could have been fed to her by Saren, and if I let her into my mind...what if she can start the indoctrination on me? If that’s as powerful as it sounds, I could destroy everything. 

I could hurt people I care about. 

Garrus crosses my mind yet again, and I find myself desperate for his council. I can’t ask Kaidan or Ashley, they can’t be objective - not when it comes to aliens or to me. “Stay here; I’ll be right back.” I say it to all three of them but have to give Kaidan a hard look to keep him from following me like a stray dog. 

With a little privacy, I use my Omni-Tool to establish comms directly with Garrus, and he answers quickly. “Shepard? Are you OK?”

I curse myself and should have realized he would panic knowing I’m on a mission.

“Yes, yeah, we’re fine. I just...I need some advice.” Garrus is quiet, and I know it’s to listen with no judgment that I need help - a rare thing in men, and especially soldiers. I give him a brief rundown of the day and the situation, explain the Thorian, and that an Asari who popped out of the dead plant might actually be able to help me understand the beacon. I don’t have to explain the risks. 

“The Geth attacks on the colony started almost two weeks ago, right? And the Asari didn’t know Benezia was dead?” 

“Yes, and I don’t think so. Not from the way she’s talking about her.” 

“So, she’s been with the plant for at least those two weeks - since before Saren sent the Geth after it. It’s unlikely Saren could have prepared her for this eventuality, Shepard. He wasn’t prepared for anything that’s happened the last two weeks; Saren expected to win quickly.” 

“True,” I concede, remembering how cocky Saren has always been. 

“But you’re anxious he’ll indoctrinate you directly, and you won’t even notice it.” I hate that he can read my mind as much as I love it. “Benezia said it was the ship, not Saren - remember? Saren is just a Turian, he has no mind control skills. He’s not even biotic.” 

“Also true. He probably can’t indoctrinate me indirectly and definitely not through an Asari. Damn, you’re right. I can’t miss this opportunity.” 

“You won’t have to. Although you can tell me that I’m right again if you want.” I laugh without meaning to and take in the warm feeling that I get when his melted chocolate voice washes over me. 

“I...thank you, Garrus. I needed advice from someone I trust.” 

I hear the Turian’s breath catch on the other end, and it pains me to think that it surprises me. He should know that I trust him, I adore him, I…

He’d know all of that if I just told him. 

“Glad to help. We’ll see you back on the Normandy soon, Commander.” With another professional brush-off, Garrus is gone. 

I can’t deal with my guilt right now, so I head back to the squad and Shiala to finish up our work. The joining to get the Cipher is extremely odd. It’s not nearly as rough feeling in my head as the beacon vision, more like someone flipping through an album of pictures than smashing clips of vids into my head by force. 

When it’s done, I know everything that I’ve seen, but I find myself unable to think of anything specific or talk about them yet. I can’t ask questions or even conjure an image, though I know they’re there.

“Are you alright, Shepard?” Ashley asks, drawing me from a haze. “What did she do?”

“I saw...something. I’m still not sure it makes any sense,” I admit. 

“You have been given a great gift - the experience of an entire people,” Shiala notes, looking a little pale herself. “It will take time for your mind to process this information.” 

Kaidan steps close and rests a hand on my shoulder. Part of me wants to move it, and the other part wishes I wanted to lean into him. “You look a little queasy, Shepard. We should get you back to the ship.” I nod, definitely eager to lie down. 

“I am sorry if you have suffered,” Shiala offers kindly. “There was just no other way. Saren must be stopped, so you needed the Cipher. In time, it will help you understand the beacon’s vision.” 

I thank her for helping us, grateful that we’ve finally come across someone with facts and tools to help us fight Saren. “Shepard...what are we gonna do with her?” Ashley asks. 

“If you allow it, I would like to stay here and help the colonists.” I think she can see my surprise at her answer on my face. After what she’s been through, I thought she’d want to get the hell away from here. “They have suffered greatly, and I played a role in that suffering. I would like to make amends.” 

I nod, impressed with her. “The colonists will need all the help they can get; they’ll be grateful to have you on their side.” 

We say our goodbyes and finally head back toward the Normandy, off this planet now that Geth are gone and the colonists are free. It’s been a long day, and I don’t miss that Ashley and Kaidan are walking closer to me than normal like they think I might pass out. 

I’m fighting a rapidly building headache, but the day isn’t over yet, so I call the crew to the Comm Room for a debrief and get there first, still in my armor. Garrus arrives pretty quickly, and I avoid his eyes when I know that he’s giving me a once over for injuries. He doesn’t say anything and doesn’t sit close to me. 

God, I so badly want to go to sleep and forget today.

“Commander.” Liara’s lilting voice draws my attention. “You look pale. Are you suffering any ill effects from the Cipher?” 

“It shook me up a bit,” I admit, rubbing my forehead. Frankly, I feel like I could vomit or pass out right here, but I’m not about to tell everyone that.

“I know that you have been through a lot today, but I might be able to help,” the Asari presses. “I have a great deal of Prothean knowledge. If I join my consciousness to yours, maybe we make some sense of it - faster than might happen normally.” 

I take a breath, not looking forward to yet another mind fuck today but aware that we’re already low on time. “Do it,” I tell her, standing and meeting her in the middle of the room. 

It feels weird to have everyone watching now that I know this is basically Asari sex, even if we’re clothed, and it’s for a purpose.

I do notice that Garrus isn’t watching very intentionally just before we begin. 

Images flash rapidly through my mind, the same images I’ve seen over and over since the beacon. So much death, pain, and horror in what I can feel more than what I can see. I’m released from it suddenly and have to reach out to catch Liara as she sways in front of me. 

“That was...incredible,” she breathes. “All this time, all my research, I never dreamed…” She looks up at me in awe; I hate that expression. “I’m sorry. The images were so vivid. I never imagined the experience would be so intense.” 

“Yeah, I don’t recommend it twice,” I drawl, my head outright pounding now. 

“Commander, you are remarkably strong-willed,” Liara informs me, surprising me. “What you have been through, what you’ve seen would have destroyed a lesser mind.” It kind of feels like my mind is being destroyed as we speak, but I don’t tell her that. 

“Let’s just get to the point. Did you see anything that could help us?” I feel bad rushing her, but I also feel sicker by the second, and I don’t want to pass out right here.

“The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged,” she tells all of us. “Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into your mind is incomplete.” 

I take a breath through my nose and try not to get frustrated. “Are you sure you didn’t come across anything that could help - a clue or hint, even something small?”

Liara shakes her head and looks sad. “Everything I saw you already know. You were right about the Reapers; the Protheans were destroyed by a race of sentient machines.” It honestly feels like a small win just to hear someone say that I’m right about that instead of calling me crazy. “I think it’s obvious that there is a connection between the Reapers, the Protheans, and the Conduit. But I didn’t see anything that would help us find it.” 

“Well, let’s just hope that Saren doesn’t have the missing information either.” There’s not much more to say, and Liara looks pretty exhausted now, too, so I release them all. 

“I’ve sent off the Feros report, Commander,” Joker tells me. “You want me to patch you through to the Council now or later?”

“Let’s get it over with, Joker.” 

He confirms, and then the three Councilors appear in hologram form in front of me. “Commander,” Tevos begins, her voice pretty upbeat all things considered. “ExoGeni should have told us about the Thorian. It would have made your job much easier.” 

“There are many things that could make my job easier,” I inform them, keeping my voice dry because I don’t care if they notice right now. I’m exhausted. 

“Yes, well. You might have been able to capture it for study instead of destroying it,” Valern adds, blinking wet Salarian eyes at me. 

“The Thorian was enslaving people’s minds. Chances are that anyone who studied it would have ended up in its thrall,” I remind them. 

Tevos nods. “Perhaps it is for the best then. At least the colony is safe.” 

“Of course, it is.” Sparatus could give me a run for my money in dry tones. “Shepard would go to any lengths to help a human colony.” 

I roll my eyes and try not to wince when the movement hurts like hell in my skull. “As much as I enjoy your Saren impression, Councilor, the colonists being human had nothing to do with it. I was asked to help them and I did.” 

“Admirable - both your actions and your ideals,” Valern allows. I’m instantly waiting for the ‘but’, and I don’t have to wait very long at all. “But sometimes Spectres have to make sacrifices. I hope you’re willing to do that when the time comes.” 

I think that Tevos can sense my urge to dive through the comms and kill them because she quickly ends the call, and I’m free to get some quiet, some privacy. All I want is to lay down. 

“Hey, Commander, did you still want to head back to the Citadel?” Joker calls in over the comms. 

“Yes. We need to touch base with Admiral Kahoku,” I confirm with him. I hate the thought of the news I have to deliver about his crew and wonder how many of the details I can leave out. Part of me still wishes I didn’t know what happened to the rest of my crew on Akuze. A cold chill runs through me at the thought, and my head continues to pound violently as I go back to my quarters. 

As much as I want some sleep, my thoughts are full of Garrus. I wouldn’t have been able to make the choice to join with Shiala and get the Cipher today without going absolutely crazy if he hadn’t helped. He knew what I needed to hear...honestly, what I needed to hear might have just been his voice. 

I hated not having him on the squad today, both as a sniper and my friend. And more than anything, I hate feeling like I don’t have him as a friend. Especially for such a stupid reason. The best person I know, probably my best friend, and he’s falling for me...and I use that to keep him away. 

I know the rule I added to our list about not falling in love was done for the sake of both of us and the mission. We can’t afford the distraction.

Of course, I’m much more distracted now than I was when we were sleeping together. Probably because I’m completely crazy about him, and it makes me feel empty to think of losing him at all. 

It’s not enough for me to just be his friend; I miss everything else too much. I’ve never had the sort of trust and intimacy with anyone else that I do with Garrus, and I’ve known him for such a short period of time. When I think about the way things could evolve between us if they’ve been this good already...I’m half freaked out and half excited. 

A ding at my door makes me jump a little, especially since I’m not even changed out of my armor yet. What could someone possibly need from me already? Kaidan seems almost shy as he comes into my quarters, and I realize that he’s never actually been up here before. 

“Hey, Kaidan. What’s up?” 

Kaidan is freshly showered, his hair still a little wet. I like his cologne and find that right now, it’s kind of soothing my head. “I just wanted to come and check on you. You didn’t look so good.” He winces at his own words. “I mean, you looked good...just...you know.” 

I chuckle softly and assure him, “I know. And I appreciate it. I just need a shower and some rest.” 

“OK.” Kaidan doesn’t leave then, the way I anticipated he would. Instead, he comes closer and after a beat, takes my hands. He’s never touched me outside of battle before, so I’m mostly too shocked to pull away. “Shepard...I like whatever is happening here. Between us. And I think you do, too.” 

Something knots in my gut, and not in a good way. “Oh. Oh, Kaidan, I - “ 

“Just let me say this, please.” I really think it’s better if he doesn’t say any more, for both of us, but Kaidan barrels right on ahead. “In a different time and place, things could change between us. I want them to. But I think for the sake of the mission, we should be professional.” 

I open my mouth to speak but find that I’m too surprised and frankly a little too confused to find the words. I have no idea what Kaidan seems so convinced is happening between us. I’m suddenly hyper-aware that he’s holding my hands and move to pull them away. “No, don’t be upset,” he begs. 

“I’m...not. I just - “ 

There’s no warning, no signal, I don’t even see him coming. Very suddenly, Kaidan’s lips are on mine. I consider pushing him away and then...then…

The smell of his cologne envelopes me, and my headache disappears, leaving me only with the cold ache in my chest from thoughts of Garrus. That and Kaidan’s soft, warm lips against mine. He parts just a little and then kisses me again, gentler. 

The second time, I let my lips meet his because I need to know if I can respond to him...to anyone else. I’m so lost in thought of forcing myself to feel for Kaidan and his lips that I don’t have time to move away from him when I register the doors opening. 

So that’s how Garrus finds me, holding Kaidan’s hands and kissing him. 

My name dies in the Turian’s mouth while something inside me dies at the look on his face. For an instant, Garrus’ shoulders fall, and his mandibles drop slightly. It would be impossible to misinterpret the alien expression as one of pain. 

It only lasts a second before he recovers. “Oh, I...sorry. Just...yeah.” I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Garrus awkward before, but this hasty exit would be hard to call anything else. 

I stare at the door for a moment after, my heart hurting with the knowledge that Garrus now knows how I felt when he left for Lorik’s place. It’s not good revenge. I hate hurting him. 

Kaidan seems surprised when I pull my hands from his and step back. “Kaidan, that was a mistake. I think you should go.” 

“Right, that’s what I was saying,” he nods, even as I turn my back to him. I barely hear him go; I want him gone, I want to be alone, and I want Garrus all at the same time. It’s all too much right now, especially with the headache from the visions and the weight of our mission. 

Which is exactly why I didn’t want anything to happen with Garrus and me anyway. It’s too complicated. Too much at risk. 

Every good thing in my life gets ruined. Garrus had the potential to be the best thing. 

Maybe it’s better to end it now before I...before I love him any more than I already do. Right now, I feel sick. If things go on...I’m not sure I could survive the ending. 

“Garrus Vakarian.” 

I jump so hard that my hand spasms around the wrench, and it slips from my hand, smacking me right in the face. “Tali’Zorah, how did you learn to imitate my mother so effectively?” 

The Quarian chucks a bit, but I don’t think she’s smiling by the time I pull myself out from under the Mako, rubbing the rapidly forming bruise on my forehead. “What are you doing down here?”

“Injuring myself, obviously.” It hurts even more when I sit up, but I pull myself to my feet. 

Tali has herself built up to her entire just-barely-five-feet in length, hands planted firmly on her hips. I’m sure she’s glaring at me from behind the helmet. “What did I do?” I ask her. 

“It’s what you haven’t done - what you’re not doing. Why are you tinkering with this stupid vehicle instead of going upstairs to see Shepard?”

I mock offense and reach a hand back to caress the side of the Mako. “She can hear you, Tali!” 

Wrex snorts in laughter from the other side of the garage, and Tali whirls around to give him a masked glare, too. “Don’t look at me like that, Quarian. I’m on your side. Vakarian is an ass.” 

“Enough.” I glance around to double-check that Ashley Williams isn’t down here. “I’m not going up to see Shepard. She’s a big girl, and I wasn’t even on the damn mission.” 

“Oh, please,” Tali scoffs. “Try not to sound like such a child when you whine.” Wrex explodes in laughter, and even though I know it is childish, I turn my back to them. “Garrus, it was a long day and a tough mission. Shepard would want you up there; she debriefs with you after every mission.” 

“Hey, pretty boy, don’t Turians have a quad?” Wrex demands, still choosing to shout from across the garage. “Use at least one of your balls to get the hell upstairs and claim your female.” 

“Wrex!” Tali snaps, saving me from having to respond to either of them when they start to argue about whether women should be claimed. 

I escape at least to the other side of the Mako and lean against it, trying to pretend that my stomach isn’t in knots. 

I’ve been dying to go upstairs and check on Shepard since the ground squad returned to the Normandy. I read the mission report, and I hate not knowing for myself how she is now. They watched colonists get turned into zombies by a mind-controlling plant that was lashing out because Saren betrayed it. I didn’t hear her conversation with the Council after, but based on recent history, they were assholes and made Shepard feel even worse. 

I want to support her. Shepard’s my friend. I know that after missions, she likes to get out of her armor as quickly as possible. I know that she’ll get into the smallest position she can, sitting with her feet curled up under her on one of her chairs. She listens to music, she reads, she snacks...she talks to me.

Damn it. I should be up there. If she needs a friend, I should be a friend. 

Shepard called me on the mission when she needed a little advice. I was planning on keeping my distance from her, but it scared the hell out of me to get that call when she was off-ship; a million possible scenarios rushed through my mind, and I was halfway to my rifle when I answered. 

Even though I’ve been keeping my distance and I know that it’s been annoying her, that she kind of wanted to smack me this morning, she reached out. And I should do the same. 

“Where are you going?” Tali calls from behind me when she spots me headed for the elevator. 

“I’m either going to Shepard’s quarters to talk to her,” I begin, grateful the damn thing is already here so that I don’t have to wait a century for it to arrive. “Or I’m going to get told off, in which case I’ll be back with a bottle of Ryncol, and I expect both of you to get hammered with me.” 

“Done,” Wrex promises. 

“Deal,” Tali offers, bouncing happily on the balls of her feet. I really hope I don’t need to get them drunk; I’m not sure there’s enough liquor on the ship to get Wrex trashed. 

Mess Hall is empty, and Shepard’s doors are closed but unlocked. I feel a pang of guilt when I wonder if she’s been expecting me, and I’ve kept her waiting. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.

Maybe I should just find my quad and walk through the damn door. 

I step forward, and the doors swish open, welcoming me to the familiar space while I quickly try to come up with an apology or an excuse or something. She knows I’ve been a dick because I’m falling in love with her; it can’t get much worse from here.

I’m damn glad that I walk in with my head up so that I don’t get far enough inside to risk vomiting on the floor when my stomach plummets right into my shoes. Shepard and Alenko turn their heads toward me at the same time, hands still entwined, and his lips little a little wet from hers. 

I have to look away from his mouth before they can see the knife twisting in my chest. 

“Oh, I...sorry. Just...yeah.” 

Fuck. I hate being awkward, but there’s really no good way to leave after watching Shepard kiss someone else. 

The elevator crawls back down to the garage, and my chest aches more and more by the moment. My heart thumps, and my throat feels so tight I can barely breathe. Tali and Wrex are still here, Ashley now too. Wrex is cleaning his rifle...it’s a nightly ritual, something comforting that he picked up from me and that we’ve done together almost every night. They’re both obviously waiting for me. 

“Oh, Garrus.” Tali’s voice is low, and the pity in her tone makes me want to airlock myself. 

“Ryncol?” Wrex asks. It’s a kind gesture, I know, but company is the last thing I want. 

“Not worth it.” 

Shepard kissed Alenko. I fucked Lorik. There are at least two nails in this coffin, and clearly, whatever happened between us before is over now. All I can do is hope that there’s a friendship to salvage. 

Yeah, because I really want to be friends with Kaidan Alenkos’ girlfriend. 

I screwed all of this up. Falling in love with Elle Shepard has been probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. It cost me one of the best friendships I’ve ever had...and now it’s cost me all of my dignity. 

I get back to work, under the Mako. It’s the one thing that I have to offer Shepard at this point.


	9. Best Friend

It’s a long trip back to the Citadel to deliver the news about his men to Admiral Kahoku in person. The trip ends up being more than worth it when I get to speak to him in person; I can tell how much he appreciates the effort. I’m genuine in my offer to help him investigate what happened, however he needs, and I hope he reaches out. 

It’s not the end result that makes the trip to the Citadel suck, but the three days we’re stuck on the Normandy. Garrus is avoiding me, and I’m actively avoiding Kaidan. It’s a mess. 

I’m grateful just to get a little time off the ship, so I give everyone a full day of shore leave and decide we’ll spend the night here. It gives me a chance to find a new scope, too. Acid from one of the Thorian’s husks on Feron screwed the other one up; I don’t use my sniper rifle all that often, but not having Garrus on a mission recently makes me feel like I should be better prepared. 

It’s been a long time since I went scope shopping, though. Actually, the one I use now was standard issue, so I’ve never shopped for my own sniper rifle. I can admit all the options in this shop on the Citadel is a little intimidating.

“That one is too long.” 

I almost jump all the way out of my skin, not just because I wasn’t expecting a voice but because the voice is deep, dual-toned, and feels like melted chocolate when it washes over me. 

Garrus steps slowly up beside me at the counter, almost shy about it. “Unless you’re planning to snipe targets at a couple hundred yards...that one is no good for you. Too long.” He motions to the one in my hand. 

“Oh. Yeah, I’m good but not a couple hundred yards good.” 

“You’re not all that good, actually.” A laugh escapes me and instantly feels good, warming the spot in my chest that’s been hollow and cold for days. Garrus smirks too, but he doesn’t look at me. He plucks another scope off the shelf and holds it out to me. “Here. You’ll like this one.” 

It’s not a question; he’s confident. He knows me well enough to know exactly what I need. 

I try not to think about his hands when I accept the equipment. “Thanks.” 

“Sure.” 

I’m going to need to go to the sales counter if I want to purchase this thing, but I’m finding it impossible to walk away from the Turian. I don’t know what brought on this sudden change - actually speaking to me - but I don’t want to waste it. And maybe it’s just nice to be standing close to him again. 

Garrus shifts, and I feel my heart skip awkwardly when I think he might walk away. 

“Plans for your shore leave?” I’m grasping at straws, but at least I get to talk to him. 

Garrus turns to face me finally and cocks his hip to lean against the display case, apparently content to stay. Before he can say a word, my Omni-Tool starts to ring. “Go ahead,” he assures me when I glance up to check. 

“Just...don’t leave. OK?” 

I feel a little pathetic asking, but it doesn’t feel like I have much left to lose here. Garrus’ shy smile makes it worth it, and, lucky for me, he nods. 

“Shepard here,” I answer. I don’t walk away from him to take the call in private because it doesn’t even occur to me. I trust him. 

“Commander Shepard, I’m sorry to bother you.” The voice is a man’s, heavily accented in what sounds French, so I assume he’s human. I definitely don’t recognize it. “This is Lieutenant Girard with C-Sec. I am down in the Docking Bay, and there is a woman here. She was rescued from Batarian Slavers a few weeks ago. She is from Mindoir. We assume she was taken in the raid on your town.”

My throat tightens a bit as my interest piques. I don’t fly into panic at the mention of Batarians or slavers or both anymore, but there’s still a noticeable increase in my heart rate. I know that Garrus can hear my reaction and that he knows enough of my service record to know why, but he doesn’t react or move. He just watches me with impossibly blue eyes. 

His calm presence soothes me while my mind races through questions so that I can focus. 

“She’s been a slave for the past thirteen years? Is she alright?” I ask Girard. It doesn’t seem possible that she would be, especially since C-Sec is calling me. 

“Not really. She’s a little...messed up.” I wince at his choice of words and watch Garrus do the same. “She got free somehow, grabbed a gun from one of my guys. Now she’s holed up here in the Docking Bay. She, uh...she says she wants to die.” 

I don’t give the command to my body, but my hand shoots out and lands on top of Garrus’ on the counter. The scope is still in my fist, and Garrus pulls it from my fingers to discard it before capturing my hand in his, engulfing my much smaller palm. 

I can’t explain why watching my hand all but disappear inside his makes me feel safe, but right now, I don’t want to question it much. 

“What are you doing for her?” I have to hope that C-Sec has something of a plan. 

“I hoped that you would talk to her. It’s a long shot, but you went through the same thing. I figured that maybe you could talk her out of it,” he explains, the man’s tone growing desperate. 

It’s enough for me. “I’m on my way, Lieutenant. Don’t do anything until I get there.” 

It’s not a choice, not a decision. This isn’t just another civilian who needs help; it feels personal already. 

“Anything you can do would be great, Commander Shepard,” Girard assures me. “The protocol is...I don’t want to…” He sighs. “She’s been through enough. My men will be on standby for you.” 

Scope purchase forgotten, I end the call and look back up at Garrus. 

Before I can open my mouth, before I have to decide how to ask him for help, the Turian squeezes my hand and says, “On your six, Commander.” 

I nod to him now, too scared of what will come out if I actually speak. Garrus lets go of my hand but stays close by my side while we go back through the Citadel and C-Sec Academy toward the docks. An officer there directs us to the right one, the whole force apparently on edge for us to arrive. 

Of course, because this is the Milky Way galaxy and the same damn designer must have built every elevator here, it takes forever to actually reach the Docking Bay. I’m restless the moment the doors close, feeling powerless until we get down there. 

“You OK?” Garrus asks, leaning against the back wall. 

“Yes. Just…” 

I want to blow him off, say something professional and distant like I would to anyone else instead of showing my emotions. I want to do exactly what I’ve always done with him. I swallow hard to get the words out, preparing to confess. 

“I can’t help but wonder if I’ll get down there and recognize her. I know that she couldn’t have been...you know, in the same operation I was. She would have been rescued with me, too. But maybe I knew her on Mindoir.” 

It’s by far the most I’ve ever said about a time in my life that I don’t like to remember. No one would. And this girl lived it for ten years longer than I did. 

“Three years in captivity and I was a disaster. Thirteen years, Garrus. This girl…” I just shake my head, unable to find the words. 

“You’ll do everything you can, Elle, just like you always do.” 

Hearing him use my first name catches me off guard but in a good way. I take a breath and nod to him just as the doors open. It makes me feel immediately more confident knowing that now I can take some sort of action. 

We can spot the crowd of C-Sec officers easily enough when we step off the elevator, all of them by the Normandy as luck would have it. The crew must have heard the commotion because they’re all standing off to the side. Kaidan and Ashley start toward me, but I quickly wave them off, grateful Garrus understands I want him to stay with me without making me say it. 

I can see someone among the crates a few yards down the dock, but I head for the officers to get information. “Lieutenant Girard?”

A tall and lean human turns toward me, relief flooding his features. “Commander.” He salutes me, and I return it quickly. “Glad to see you. Thank you for coming so quickly.” 

“I wish we were meeting under better circumstances. Where is she?” 

“Behind those shipping containers,” he confirms, motioning down the docks. “I’ve got a sniper in position, but I don’t think we’ll need it. She’s only a danger to herself. We do have a sedative to calm her down, but we can’t get close to her. Every step we take gets her more wound up.” 

“You’re scaring the crap out of her.” I reach for my pistol and pull it from my belt, turning to Garrus, who understands and takes it from me without question. “Give me the sedative, just in case.” Girard obeys quickly, and I accept the pill even though I don’t want to need it. “Tell your men to stand down unless Garrus gives the order to shoot.” 

“How will he know?” Girard asks as I start to walk away, giving the Turian a skeptical look. 

“He’ll know. Got it, Garrus?” 

“Aye, Shepard. And you’ve got this.” I look up at him and find his gaze piercing but steady, calm, and sure. I give myself a second to soak that in and nod for both of us, letting him give me some strength.

I leave all of them behind, my comms on so that Garrus can hear us, and walk slowly toward the shipping containers where I can see someone hiding. 

“Stop!” a girl’s voice screams as I approach. She’s cowering behind the crates, the arm that’s pointing a pistol at me shaking violently. 

My heart snaps at the sight of her, shaved head and rail-thin with bruises all over her bare arms. She can’t be more than twenty now, which means she was no more than a child when Mindoir was raided, and she was kidnapped. I can’t help but wonder if this is how I looked when I was rescued, if this was how Captain Anderson felt the first time he saw me. 

“What do you...what are you?” she asks, her voice as shaky as her hand. 

“My name is Shepard,” I tell her, keeping my voice slow and calm. “Lieutenant Girard asked me to help. He wants me to talk to you. What’s your name?”

“Animals don’t get names.” I force myself not to respond physically while bile starts to creep up my throat at a phrase I only hear in my nightmares now. “The Masters put their symbols on her. Hot metal all over her back. She screams when they do it.” 

I want to scream and run away, my hands growing sweaty, and I feel sick. It doesn’t matter; I won’t abandon this girl. “You are not an animal. What about your parents, what did they call you? Do you remember them?”

“She remembers,” the girl whispers. “She remembers a lot of things.” After a beat, she slowly lowers the pistol to her side, hands still shaking. “Talitha. They called her Talitha. She...she doesn’t remember the rest. Leave her alone!” 

“Talitha, what’s the last thing you remember from Mindoir?” 

“Fires. Smell of smoke and burning meat. Animals screaming when the Masters caged them. They put the metal to their backs, put the wires in their brains.” Talitha shakes her head and wipes her brow with the hand holding the pistol. 

I know that she’s confused because the slavers I was with didn’t brand us, and they wouldn’t have down on the surface of Mindoir; that had to come later. 

Talitha continues, her voice breaking while tears stream down her face. “She pretends to be dead. If she’s dead, she can’t work. But they know! She hopes they’ll leave, but they put her in the pen.” Talitha shakes her head, tears dripping onto her brown overalls now and her words broken by sobs. “She didn’t fight. She was already broken when they put the wires in.” 

“Talitha.” I’m surprised my voice sounds so steady consider the way my heart is racing. “With everything that happened to you, no one can blame you for hoping they would just go away.” 

“She can!” Talitha shouts. “She can blame her. Stupid! She’s stupid and she deserves to die!” Talitha screams, and grabs her head with both hands, the sound of the metal pistol cracking against her skull piercing through me even more than the high-pitched wailing. 

I know that I have to intervene soon, or C-Sec will ignore Garrus and make a decision for me. This girl needs help, she deserves it. I have to do something. 

“Talitha, I’m going to take a step toward you. OK?”

She just watches me, doesn’t move or react, and lets me step toward her. Suddenly, it’s like a switch flips, and she’s yelling again. “No, she’s no good! Don’t want to be handled again!” 

“Talitha, talk to me. Let’s just talk.” I’m doing my best to remember what the first few counseling sessions were like for me, the stark hospital room, and the doctor asking me hundreds of questions. I hated him. “What happened to your parents?”

“There’s...she sees them. They’re yelling. Go! Run! Hide!” Talitha is looking at nothing above my head, and I know that she can see, hear, and smell that day as clearly now as if it were still happening. As clearly as I can. “They hit the Masters, but the Masters...they have lights and hoses. Daddy is…” She brings her hands to cover her face, white knuckle grip on the pistol. “He’s melting!”

I remember. The Batarians came at night, they had flame throwers and acid in hoses. Their guns lit up the night like fireworks. 

Talitha shakes her head rapidly and snaps, “Shh! She doesn’t want to see that! Don’t make her look!” 

“OK, Talitha, it’s OK.” She looks at me every time I speak. “I know it hurts, Talitha. I’m sorry.” 

“When she thinks...water comes out of her eyes. The Masters beat her when she wastes water.” Talitha shakes her head slowly, still appearing like a child. “Mommy and Daddy...they’re dead, Shepard. They try to save her, and the Masters burn them. Can she stop remembering now?”

I take a deep breath and remember that Garrus can hear everything I say. For some reason, that empowers me. “I was on Mindoir. My parents died in the raid. My brother, too.”

“Lying!” Talitha shrieks. “You get hit for lying.” She takes a step toward me, but I don’t move. “Why are you alive? Why aren’t you like her, broken - only fit to…” She trails off, and I don’t ask either of us to remember what comes next, to remember all that we were told human girls were fit for. 

“For a while...I was broken,” I confess. “I lost my whole family, Talitha. My friends, my childhood. I had to pull myself up and keep going. I had to ask for help to be able to do that. I needed help.” 

“You stand up,” Talitha breathes. “She wishes she could stand up.” I watch the girl wrap her arms around herself, almost folding in. “She doesn’t want them to see her. If they see her, it’s real. She doesn’t want it to be real.” 

The urge to hold her is almost painful, but I know she’ll hate it. She needs to be ready for that, to initiate it. “I’m going to take a step toward you now, Talitha.” I do it again, slowly, just like the last time. 

“Please don’t touch her,” she begs me. “She’s dirty. You’ll catch it.” 

“Talitha.” I show her the pill in my hand. “This is going to make you sleep. While you’re asleep, good people will take you to a hospital. You’ll get help, the help you need. The help that people like you and me deserve, Talitha.” 

She blinks slowly at me. “She wants to get better. Will she have bad dreams?”

I hold my hand out to her, and Talitha takes the pill but then grasps my hand. When I see her shudder from head to toe, I step a little closer, and she breaks on a sob, moving into my chest. My arms go around the girl instinctively, and I hold on, trying not to notice her ribs and spine against my hand. “You’ll dream of a warm, safe place. And when you wake up, you’ll be in that place.” 

“She’d like that,” she whispers. “It hurts when she remembers. But she...I...I want to.” 

I release her enough to take the pill, and I watch her swallow before her taking her hand and guiding her slowly back down the docks with me. A medical transport has arrived. Chakwas is standing beside Garrus, and she signals to a group of EMTs who approach us carefully. The girl is so emaciated that I’m sure the sedative will hit her with force, and Talitha lets them guide her to a stretcher for evac. 

“It’s over, Commander?” Girard asks me, almost sounding shell shocked. 

“She took the sedative,” I confirm. “She wants to get better, Lieutenant.” 

“Thank you, Commander. I didn’t want to hurt her.” He shakes his head, and we both look at the medical team, loading her into a transport. “She was only six when they took her. Why the hell are we out here if we can’t even keep one little girl safe?” 

A heavy, comforting hand lands on my shoulder. “Bad things happen to good people, Lieutenant,” Garrus tells him. “That’s why people like you and Shepard are here.” 

“Don’t wring your hands over her,” I chime in. “Help her.” 

“Yes, ma’am. She’ll be taken to a counseling center, and they’ll help her get better. I’ll do what I can.” I accept his handshake, and then we part ways, the C-Sec officers going back to work except for Girard who gets into the transport. 

Dr. Chakwas approaches us after she speaks to the medics, and Garrus removes his hand from my shoulder, though I didn’t want him to. “She’s going to an excellent facility, Commander. You did well,” the doctor assures me. 

I thank her, feeling the weight of what happened hit me now that it’s over. I can feel my own hands starting to tremble and want nothing more than to get back on my ship. 

I head that way but get surrounded quickly, Tali throwing her arms around my neck for a hug. Kaidan keeps a hand pressed to my lower back, and I don’t have the energy to move him away. 

I can feel myself slipping into a shell, moving into a familiar and protective space that I created years ago when I didn’t want to remember. When I didn’t want to feel. It’s like autopilot for my brain, and it’s comforting...but for the first time, it feels hollow. It’s not the comfort I need. 

The crew lets me escape to my quarters, but I can’t even get my boots off before the doors open, and, once again, Kaidan enters. “Shepard, I - “ 

“Kaidan now is not a good time,” I interrupt firmly, holding up a hand to stop him from coming any further into my room. “I’m getting a shower and going to sleep. You’re still on shore leave, go.” 

“I really don’t think it’s best to be alone right now,” he argues. I blink, realizing that he might be right. Maybe I don’t want to be alone either. Kaidan misunderstands my pause and steps closer, reaching for my hand. “Let me be here for you, Elle.” 

“Whoa, that’s not OK.” It comes out a little harsher than I intended, but I’m shocked Kaidan would move so far outside regulations as to call me by my first name. It’s exceptionally unlike him. He looks kind of shocked that I’ve corrected him, and I don’t have the energy to unbox that right now. “Kaidan...you should go.” 

“Oh. OK.” He gives me a polite nod and then, thankfully, leaves to do just that. 

I exhale hard, grateful for peace, only to have it interrupted again. This time, it’s by a message on my Omni-Tool, and I only pull it up because the message is from Garrus.

** I’m here if you need me. **

I stare at the message for a second, the words sinking in. He really is here, and not like Kaidan was - not for his own benefit. Hell, I’ve done nothing but hurt Garrus. And he’s still here. 

Kaidan is only a couple feet from the door when they open again behind him, and he startles a little, turning back to me with a frown. The rest of the crew is still in Mess Hall and staring at me too, Garrus Vakarian included. He’s standing at the counter in the kitchen, watching me. 

For once, I let my heart talk to him. 

“I do need you.” 

*****

The mood among the crew is heavy and intense when we walk back onto the ship. I don’t bother Shepard, especially after Tali hugs her, and can’t blame her for escaping into her quarters quickly. 

“I should go talk to her,” Alenko mutters, staring at the door. 

“I think she wants space,” I argue.

He whirls around and blinks at me. Apparently, having my advice is a bad thing for the human biotic because he marches right through the door to invade the Commander’s privacy. 

“Boshtet,” Tali mutters from beside me in the kitchen. I couldn’t agree more. I’d like to drag the guy out of there. Almost as much as I’d like to be the one in there myself. Instead, I send Shepard a quick message from my Omni-Tool; it’s enough for me if she knows I care.

The crew sits around the table, muttering about the shitshow that was this afternoon. How Shepard managed to keep it together after what I heard...I feel sick, and it had nothing to do with me. 

The room falls silent when Alenko emerges again. I can’t help feeling a little smug at how dejected he looks. Apparently, my advice wasn’t so bad, after all. 

“What happened?” Any answer to Ashley’s question dies when the doors open again behind Alenko, this time Shepard emerging. 

Her green eyes find me immediately, and I can’t look away from her. She looks almost small, her shoulders low and her face pale. She looks right past Alenko like he’s not standing two feet in front of her and breathes, “I do need you.” 

I don’t question it, don’t even consider hesitating. I abandon my glass of water on the counter and don’t spare Kaidan a glance as I pass him, moving directly into Shepard. She meets me on the last step, her arms moving around my waist to hug me while I press her against my chest. I really wish we weren’t in our armor, but I don’t care that the crew can see us if she doesn’t. 

Once she’s in my arms, I don’t stop walking and continue into her quarters, only pausing to lock the door behind us. Shepard moves willingly with me, but then I don’t know where to go, feeling kind of lost. I can’t hold her comfortably while we’re both in armor. 

“Do you want to get out of your armor?” 

“Yes.” 

She doesn’t move to release me, and I don’t ask her to, don’t move more than to lift a hand and run my talons through her hair. I know she likes it, but I’ve missed the silky feel of it too. It’s enough for me just to be holding her. If she just wants to stand in the middle of the room, that’s fine with me. 

“My brother isn’t in my file,” she mutters softly after a few minutes. “It just says...that my family died. People assume parents, but...I had a little brother.” 

Her voice is strained, and I know that’s as much from the emotional strain of the day and the memories as it is from actually sharing something personal. She’s made it perfectly clear that’s not a normal thing for her. And I have to push anyway. “What was his name?”

“Jake,” she responds, honestly surprising me. I half expected her to shut me down. “He was twelve. Four years younger...like you and Solana.” She remembered.

“I remember when Sol was twelve, and I was sixteen. I could not get any privacy.” 

She laughs, the movement shaking both of us. “Yeah, that’s exactly what it was like with Jake. I loved spending time with him at the house, but when my friends were around, I wanted him gone.” She takes a shaky breath, and I feel her arms tighten. “He would have loved you. You’re both nerds.” 

Now I laugh and tug her hair gently as punishment, wishing again that we weren’t in our armor so I could feel the warmth of her up against me. 

No. We’re not going there again. 

“I’m sure you want to get out of your armor and take a shower, Shepard.” 

“Yeah. But I don’t want you to go.” 

I take a breath and try not to tense, so I don’t scare her off. The offer is right on my tongue, more than a little of me desperate to join her. I know she’d accept if I ask, and if she asks, I’m fairly certain I can’t deny her a damn thing. 

I want to be here for her. I haven’t been lately; we both know that. Instead of being a good friend to her, I let my pride after she rejected me keep me away. Losing her friendship has been breaking my heart, and it’s already a relief to have her near me again. 

I don’t know if I’m ready to jump back into a shower with her yet, though. 

“I, uh...I can come back. I’ll grab a shower and change, then come back in a bit.” I let my fingers drift through her hair again. “Maybe I’ll even bring back some peanut butter. That’s comfort food, right?” 

She laughs and sniffs a little, pulling back just enough to look up at me. It lightens me a little to see her green eyes are bright again. “Yeah, it’s great comfort food. Thank you.” 

“Anything, kid.” 

I force myself not to look at her mouth because the urge to kiss her is already killing me and tug her earlobe gently instead before we part. Knowing that she’s watching me go, I can barely breathe until I leave the room. 

It’s really sad that I turn into some inexperienced fledgling around her. Sad and entirely unacceptable.

I manage to avoid everyone - or, in the case of the humans, they avoid me - while getting a quick shower and then changing into casual gear. I do stop for peanut butter, grabbing the unopened jar that was purchased today and two spoons before going back to Shepard’s quarters. The door is unlocked, but I’m still a little nervous that I’ll catch her naked or in a towel. 

I don’t have the kind of self-control I would need not to take her. Damn, I want her. 

Shepard was incredible today. I’ve seen Crisis Squads at work before, and even trained professionals don’t handle those situations as well as she did. She was totally in control when she had to be raw and vulnerable. A woman like that can bring the world to its knees. 

When I think about all the power she holds, the only thing I want more than to reign every bit of it in underneath me is to be the person she relies on to hold her up when it becomes too much. 

And now it might be too late. Now she kisses Kaidan Alenko. 

But she did come to me when she was hurting, and that means so much more to me than being the man sharing her bed. Earning her friendship and trust is an honor. She spends time with everyone on the ship, she grows closer to Tali every day. But I’m the only person Shepard needs when she’s hurting. I’m the only one she trusts to see her vulnerable. 

She’s trying to open up, so she really heard me when we talked. I’m sure it wasn’t easy or natural for her to tell me about Jake; Shepard made it pretty clear that she doesn’t talk about personal things. Last time, she tried to direct me to her service record. Tonight she shared something that I never could have found in there. 

She’s making an effort, and even though the image of her kissing Kaidan comes to my mind every damn time I close my eyes, I’m going to make an effort too. I’m going to be a better friend to her. 

In her quarters, I find Shepard sitting in the middle of her bed wearing sweatpants and a tank top. I’m sure she thinks the look is casual, but my cock responds almost violently to all of that soft, warm skin on her shoulders, neck, and throat. 

She would look so fucking good with my mark on her neck. 

I nearly stumble when the errant thought catches me off guard. I’ve never wanted to mark anyone. I’m not even sure I really want to mark Shepard. Shit. 

“You OK there, big guy?” she teases, catching my misstep with a laugh. She looks lighter already though I can still see that she’s tense and tired. I laugh and motion for her to come to me, standing near the chairs where we usually sit. 

Shepard seems to think on that for a moment and then pats the mattress next to her. My heart catches in my throat. 

I want to be here for her, but I know I can’t be on that bed with her...but she’s so damn hard to deny. 

I come up with a compromise and head toward her, snagging the chair from in front of her desk to put it beside her bed. She looks amused instead of hurt when she watches me sit down there and kick off my boots before resting my feet on her bed. I hold out the peanut butter jar and one spoon. 

“Olive branch?” she asks, accepting both. I just frown, unfamiliar with the term - or what an olive is. “Right, sorry. It’s a human tradition...well, it was, but now it’s just a saying. It means extending something as a truce. An offer of peace.” 

“Ah. Then, yes.” I grab a spoonful of the salty treat when she offers the jar to me. “What kind of branch do I need to apologize for being a prideful ass?”

She puts on a thoughtful expression that I can tell is playful. “Probably oak. And then I need a whole willow tree for being a selfish bitch.” 

I laugh but stake my head at her. “You were not selfish or a bitch. I knew the deal going in, and I acted like a child when you wouldn’t change.” 

Shepard shakes her head, and I try not to notice how soft her hair looks. I try not to be jealous of the spoon in her mouth, too, but I fail at both. “You don’t need to apologize. I get it.” She looks up at me, her eyes liquid and large. “It’s enough that you’re here.” 

I smile even though a pang of guilt since I’ve been avoiding the hell out of her. Shepard smiles sweetly, though, and doesn’t seem to be mad at me. At the very least, she offers me another scoop from the jar, and I accept it happily. 

“Do you think she’ll be OK?” For a moment, I’m not sure what we’re talking about, but then I realize. Talitha. Shepard might feel like forgetting today, but she clearly needs to talk about it. 

“Chakwas seemed pretty sure she was going to get good care,” I remind her. “Maybe you can ask the doc to check in on her sometimes, too. Updates might help.” 

“That’s a good idea. They might not let me visit her, but maybe they can tell Chakwas how things are going.” She smiles at me, and my heart thumps almost painfully. 

I have to look away before I tell her just how gorgeous I think she is. 

“Are there things you miss from home, Garrus? From Palaven?”

I take a breathe and think about it. “The sun. It’s very strong on Palaven, so even the synthetic light on the Citadel doesn’t compare. I miss that bone-deep warmth.” 

“It sounds painfully hot on Palaven,” she notes. 

“Well, yeah, that too,” I admit with a laugh. “We stick to the shade or indoors during its height, but some sunbathing is good for us.” 

“Do non-Turian species live on Palaven, then?” I glance up, and she shrinks a little, blush creeping across her cheeks. “I mean, not all Turians marry other Turians...right?” 

I don’t want to think about why that question is making her blush. I can’t let myself wonder if she’s thinking about Turian marriage for a particular reason. There’s a painful lump in my throat, but I force myself to speak around it. “Turian pretty commonly marry Asari and Quarian, but they don’t often live on Palaven, no. Why...planning some long vacation?” 

It works to make her laugh. “Well, someday I just have to meet this infamous father of yours.” 

“That is a terrible idea,” I advise, making her laugh again. I love that sound. “But what about you? What do you miss from home?” 

She takes a breath, and I think for a moment that she’s going to shut me down instead of sharing like I did. It wouldn’t be the first time; I know that it’s her go-to defense mechanism. 

“Mindoir had amazing sunsets,” she confesses, surprising me with the sadness in her voice. Shepard tries pretty hard to hide her emotions even if she knows that I can hear the changes in her heart rate, and my visor alerts me to other, more private changes inside her. “Humans visited the planet from all over, even Earth, to see them. I don’t know what exactly made them special and…” She gives a soft, sad laugh. “I can’t honestly remember what they looked like. But I know I miss them.” 

“Think you’d ever go back to see one again?” 

Shepard takes a slow, deep breath. “I don’t know. Maybe someday.” 

When she’s quiet and tense for another moment, I decide to give her a break from sharing. “My mom’s cooking,” I add. “I really miss my mom’s cooking.” 

“Does she cook for you when you go home?” Something must show on my face with the surge of pain in my chest because she quickly backpedals. “Sorry. Just tell me if I should mind my business.” 

“No, it’s not…” My hand runs back over my fringe in an effort to settle my mind and rising anxiety. 

I like Shepard. She’s easy to talk to, and she gets me. It scares me to get close to her, though. I already care so much about her, and letting her in isn’t going to help me get away when the mission is over. Another lance of pain hits me at the thought of leaving her. 

The fact that even the thought hurts should probably tell me everything that I need to know. 

“My mom is sick,” I confess, maybe just to keep myself from going down bad roads in my mind. “She has a degenerative neurological disease that they don’t have a cure for yet. Eventually, she’ll go blind, forget herself and all of us, and then…” 

I can’t say what happens next out loud. I just shake my head and let it trail off. 

“The only treatment is to suppress the immune system, but Turians can’t live in enviro-suits like Quarians; contact is a necessity for us, it’s how we communicate and part of who we are. So sometimes she gets...really, really sick.” 

“Garrus,” Shepard breathes, shifting onto her knees so that she can catch one of my hands in hers. 

“I missed my graduation from sniper training because I was in the hospital, unsure my mom would survive.” I’m not even sure why I’m telling her all of this, it’s all just coming out now. “My family has had to watch that even more when I’m not around. It’s tough on all of us.” 

Shepard squeezes my hand. “You said that your dad is bonded with her, right? Not just married?”

I can’t help but appreciate that she was listening when we talked about that. “Yeah, they were arranged to marry and then bonded. So when...when she passes, my dad won’t ever be able to find love again.” The thought makes my heart feel heavy even for a man I’m not close to at all. 

“Hmm. Do you think that’s part of why your dad is so hard on you about just marrying and makes falling in love sound like a weakness?” 

I blink and look at her. “Honestly? I never thought of that. Mostly my dad is just a dick, and him pushing me to get married upsets my mom, so…” 

Shepard smiles a little and nods like she gets what I’m trying to say. I don’t doubt that she does. Green eyes meet mine, and I want nothing more than to kiss her, take her under me and say everything I don’t have words for with our bodies. 

“You were incredible today,” I tell her, the words escaping me before I realize they were going to. Shepard rolls her eyes, but I squeeze her hand and keep her attention. “Don’t. I mean that. You saved that girl’s life by being really vulnerable with her. Most people couldn’t have done it.” 

“Yeah, well. I just did what had to be done.” 

“No, you did the right thing.” 

I want to move closer, touch more of her than just her hand. It takes just about everything I have to keep myself in the chair and not climb on top of her, especially when she looks up at me with just a smile. I don’t give her more than my hand, don’t allow myself anything else. 

Just this touch and my blood is singing, my whole body filled with an intense craving for her. 

Shepard shakes her head, and my visor signals that her breathing rate has picked up dramatically. I can hear her heart doing the same. “Can you stay for a while?” She sounds almost shy about asking. 

“Of course, Shepard. I’m right where I want to be.” 

And I’ve missed you...so much. 

The smile she flashes in response is worth my confession, and I stand from the chair, keeping her hand in mind for now. “How about some horrible media to keep your mind off things?”

She laughs, and she climbs from the bed. “Stop talking shit on my media choices, or I’ll make you start the whole series over.”

I fake a pained groan, and it seems to delight her. We set up the movie and then settle ourselves in the chairs, taking our usual seats. I catch her glancing at me, and I know she wants to sit closer. I do too, but I still don’t know how much I can handle. 

As a compromise for both of us, I pull her feet up from the floor and place them in my lap. I’d do just about anything to keep that beaming smile on her face. We stay there for the rest of the night, and I only realize she’s fallen asleep when she doesn’t respond to one of my comments. It’s tempting just to watch her sleep, the fiery Commander at peace for once, but I lower her legs only to lift her into my arms. 

The moment Shepard’s little body is against my chest, she cuddles into me and murmurs something that I can’t pick up. I love the way she fits here and that she doesn’t seem to mind that my body is hard and unyielding against her. 

I hate that I can only hold her in secret or when she’s unconscious. But at least it’s something. Pathetic.

She doesn’t stir when I tuck her into bed, but this time she clearly mumbles my name, and one of her hands flexes like her mind is reaching for me. It makes me feel warm inside, and I’m not sure that it’s a conscious decision I make to lean down and press my forehead against hers. 

“Goodnight, Shepard,” I whisper before finally dragging myself away from her and out of the room. 

In the hall, my legs all but give out, and I have to lean against the wall to give from falling. My head spins, and my heart aches already, just seconds without her taking a toll on me. 

I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep hiding that I’m already a lost cause, already gone...already in love with her. 

*****

I wake up so late the next day that I miss breakfast and about a dozen new emails that came in early. I almost care until I realize that Garrus must have put me to bed, tucked me in and everything. Badass Turian sniper or not, he can be really sweet when he wants to. 

Part of me is still keenly aware that he rejected me, wouldn’t even sit on my bed, and barely touched me, but the other part is just grateful he’s spending time with me again. After he caught me with Kaidan and I reacted so poorly to Lorik, I thought our friendship might have been ruined completely. But when we were talking last night, it felt like we got closer than ever.

That’s probably because I finally actually talked to him instead of just keeping him on the outside of all my walls. It felt better than I could have expected. 

I dress in casuals since it’s still a shore leave day and head out to the ship, prepared to pick up my rounds that I missed last night, even if I know I deserved the break. And at some point, I need to figure out how to set ground rules with Kaidan...rules that will actually be kept, unlike the last time I set those with someone. 

In the hall, I pull up my Omni-Tool and send my favorite rule-breaker a quick message. 

** Thank you for last night. You’re always there when I need you. **

It doesn’t feel like enough. It doesn’t even come close to saying everything that I want or need to convey with Garrus. That seems impossible at this point. But it’s all I can give him right now. 

His response comes quickly. 

** And I always will be, kid. My honor to be on your six. **

I was beating myself up for the message not being enough, but I should have realized that Garrus wouldn’t feel the same way. I don’t deserve him. 

I probably at least deserve breakfast, so I head for Mess Hall. Most of the crew is already off the ship since they have the day to themselves, but I find Tali and Liara sitting together. “Good morning, Shepard,” Tali greets me, always bubbly. 

“Good morning. You guys didn’t want to get off the ship at all today?”

“We spend all day yesterday off ship,” Liara explains. “With all the quiet around here, it’s actually more peaceful on board.” I laugh and can’t argue with that. “Are you hiding out here today, too?”

My thoughts immediately go to what Garrus might be doing today and whether I could spend some time with him, but I don’t dare say that to them. Especially since I’m mostly picturing naked time. 

“Probably. Every time I go out there or near a terminal, someone asks me for a favor.” They both laugh at that, and I grab a yogurt from the kitchen before taking a seat at the head of the table, sitting between them. 

“Going to spend time with anyone specific today?” Tali asks, leaning the bottom of her mask on her hand. I’m absolutely certain that she’s smirking at me, and I narrow my eyes at her for it. She knows me too well to be intimidated by it. “Maybe someone tall, a little spiky?”

“A lot attractive?” Liara chimes in. She giggles for the first time when I turn my glare on her; that stare works much better on humans, apparently. “Shepard, I’m not great with humans, and I haven’t spent much time around Turians either...but you two couldn’t be more obvious.”

“No, don’t say that - they’ll only be more awkward and more obvious,” Tali teases, shaking her head at me like she’s disappointed. “At least you made the point clear with Kaidan last night.” 

I shake my head. “I wasn’t thinking about Kaidan or trying to make any point at all. How Kaidan takes this is up to him.” 

She laughs at that. “Which, of course, means that he won’t take anything at all.” 

I try not to laugh with her and Liara at that, but I fail miserably. People might speculate about Garrus and me, but no one has to wonder how Kaidan feels. 

I’m grateful the girls quiet when I hear the elevator ding, no matter who might be on there, but even more so when it’s the Turian in question who steps out. He flashes a smile at the three of us and then shifts his gaze just to me, his eyes impossibly blue even from across the room. 

“Hey, Garrus! What are you up to?”

“He wants to get his ass kicked at virtual racing,” Joker answers Tali instead, coming slowly into the room while Garrus laughs at him. 

I feel Garrus approach me from behind and feel that draw to him, the very air between us tugging. I can’t help but lean back in my chair to get closer to him, and he doesn’t disappoint, resting his hand on my shoulder. 

I tilt my head back to look at him upside down, and his mandibles flare on a grin. “Hi.” 

“Hey, big guy. Date day with Joker? That’s cute.” 

“Hilarious.” He glances up toward the others in the room with us, and I can feel his hand stiffen. My stomach sinks when I think he’s going to pull away even when I should be telling him to do just that, even though he only would because he thinks it’s what I want. Instead, he looks back down at me. “I have something for you,” he tells me, something almost shy about his voice. 

“That’s a dirty joke waiting to happen,” Joker quips, making all of us laugh even as I roll my eyes. 

Garrus just shakes his head and does pull his hand from my shoulder, but only to go into his pocket and produce the scope that he picked out for me yesterday. “I wasn’t sure if you’d feel up to going out again today, and I didn’t want you to have to order it. Delivery charges are kind of a bitch.” 

His rambling is almost too adorable to stop, but I decide to save him and take the scope from his palm. “Thank you, Garrus. This was really thoughtful.” 

“No problem. Can’t have you missing even more shots out there, Shepard.” 

palm. “Thank you, Garrus. This was really thoughtful.” 

“No problem. Can’t have you missing even more shots out there, Shepard.” 

“Oh ha ha ha,” I tease, narrowing my eyes at him. “You know, I wasn’t sure of my plans today, but now I’m remembering that someone promised me a date on the gun range next time we were both on the Citadel.” 

Shock flashes over Garrus’ features, probably at the somewhat open display, but it’s the nervous-bordering-on terrified look that comes next I’m struck by. I immediately wish I hadn’t opened my mouth at all, guilt swamping me with the knowledge that I’m sending mixed signals to him yet again. 

Before I can cover my tracks, Garrus recovers and shakes his head quickly. “Yeah, I can do that,” he agrees, starting to walk backward to catch up with Joker. His eyes are still on me. “I’ll call you when we’re done racing. It’s a...date.” 

I don’t miss that he stumbles over the word, but I let it go because of the adorably shy smile that comes with it. And because I really want to spend the time with him. 

Joker gagging ruins any potential of this being a moment, though. “You guys sure you don’t just want to meet at a hotel?” the pilot teases as he walks toward the airlock beside Garrus now. “Because we can reschedule.” 

“You understand that I could literally break you in half, right?” Garrus asks, no heat in his voice. The three of us are left laughing when the guys disappear.

I hate that I immediately want him to come back. Something is seriously wrong with me. 

Tali is definitely smiling now when she practically coos, “Now you have dates with him? This gets sweeter by the moment.” 

“I do not have dates with him. It’s not that kind of thing.” Lying about it is a knee jerk reaction, both to keep what I am doing with Garrus a secret and to keep Tali at a distance, like everyone else. I don’t like the way either of those feels anymore. 

Liara gives me a curious look. “I think I’m confused, Shepard. You don’t have feelings for Garrus?”

“I…” 

I want to tell her that I don’t. I want to be professional enough to tell the crew, starting with these two, that the rumors and teasing need to stop. It would be easy enough to tell the lie...if it involved anyone other than Garrus. 

He deserves better. He’s given me a hell of a lot better. The guy tucked me into bed last night for fuck’s sake. 

“Of course, I have feelings for him.” The moment the words leave me, I feel a weight go with them, and a laugh bubbles up. “Of course I do. He’s loyal, brilliant, funny...gorgeous.” The relief at finally saying it out loud is quickly replaced by pain in knowing I can’t have him. “But it doesn’t matter. He’s...off-limits.” 

“Wow. And here I thought Commander Elle Shepard was the kind of woman who doesn’t care about the limits other people set for her.” Tali doesn’t turn away or back down, holding my gaze when I look up at her. 

“I thought I liked you, Tali.” They both laugh at that, and I use it as an opportunity to move on, pushing to my feet. “Please tell me that we’re day-drinking now that you two have destroyed my perfect, unsullied, good girl reputation. No more talk of hot Turians until I have whiskey.”

Part of me doesn’t expect them to get on board - especially not Liara, who seems so shy and scholarly all the time. They both agree, though, and Liara is biotic, meaning that the two of us metabolize liquor quickly. Tali, however, is asleep by early afternoon. 

I’m enjoying a buzz until my mistake smacks me in the form of a message on my Omni-Tool. I have a date with Garrus. And now I’m going to be buzzed for at least some of it. 

I have enough trouble controlling my mouth around him. Not to mention the trouble my hands get me into. Or what happens when my mouth gets on him. 

I agree to meet him at the gun range anyway and grab a cup of coffee before going in the hopes that it helps. There isn’t enough liquor in the world to dull the way I respond to seeing him, though. 

I see Garrus before he spots me approaching, standing outside the gun range. He’s leaning one shoulder against a wall with his left leg bent in front of his right. I can see him casually watching the crowd as it passes him, offering an occasional polite smile when someone does a double-take up at him. 

I’m the first human Spectre, an N7 Special Forces Commander, and a goddamn soldier...but shit if I don’t get butterflies just looking at that damned Turian. 

Why the hell can’t I have him?

Even if I wasn’t looking at him, I’d know the moment Garrus finds me in the crowd. The air between us, even from a couple hundred feet, sparks to life. I can feel currents of energy rippling over my skin, and there’s a tangible pull. It happens near him when I’m sober, too, so I can’t even blame the alcohol for making me sappy and weird. 

Garrus smiles and pushes away from the wall, moving to meet me where my feet have stalled. “Thought you might decide to bail on me,” he admits when he reaches me, pulling me by the arm to step away and away from the crowds. I have no instinct to resist him. 

“Now, why would I bail when seven feet of handsome asks me out on a date?” I tease him, hoping to see the blue blush creeping up from under his collar. 

“Hmm,” he breathes, eyeing me with an expression I can’t read. “I’m not sure you know what you’re asking for. You only met the Garrus Vakarian who dates once, and you seemed to have a pretty strong reaction to him.” 

“I remember. And I remember really liking that Garrus Vakarian.” 

“Well, then.” My heart stalls completely when he leans down and brushes his mouth over my cheek, so gently I can barely feel it, and yet the touch explodes in a shockwave down my spine. “He’s very sorry that he hasn’t been here for you,” he murmurs before straightening again. 

I haven't caught my breath yet when Garrus snags my hand and tangles his fingers with mine, making the incorrect number of fingers between us work somehow. He pulls me with him toward the range, and I follow happily; I’m pretty sure the Council and the entire Alliance Admiralty Board could walk up to us right now, and I wouldn’t drop his hand. 

I’m in so much trouble. 

“Come on. Maybe we can teach you to actually get some range on that sniper rifle.” 

The joke breaks my internal tension enough that I manage to do something other than gape at him or sweat. “Do we really want to get into a conversation about people lacking in range?” 

“Humans are such deviants,” he teases dramatically, rolling in eyes in a move that I know he learned from me. It’s damn cute on him. “If I were a lesser man, you’d bruise my ego.” I laugh and let him lead me, trying not to notice the people who are glancing at our joined hands. 

It’s a big change for me...and a big change from Garrus avoiding me entirely just a couple days ago. 

“I don’t want to push my luck but - “ 

Garrus laughs. “Kid, when aren’t you pushing your luck?”

“Shut up. I have to know what changed your mind.” He frowns down at me, and I wonder how closely the people around us are listening. “We haven’t even really talked much since...you know. And I realize some of that was my fault, but still. Last night was you comforting me, but I didn’t expect you’d want to hang out.” 

“Did you call this a date to try and scare me off?” he asks, raising his brow plates at me. 

“No! But I kinda panicked immediately after because I thought it would,” I admit. 

Garrus laughs but doesn’t get to respond before we’re distracted by a boisterous voice calling, “Vakarian! I know you didn’t drag your ass back to the Citadel and not call me.” 

I turn to follow the voice and find a Turian in a C-Sec uniform approaching us with a big smile. For a moment, I have flashbacks to Ilium, and part of me wants to run instead of watching this again. Garrus gives a carefree laugh and releases me to step toward his friend, the two of them embracing. 

“I heard you were on vacation,” Garrus informs him as they part. I slink back, just trying to stay out of the way. Maybe he’ll at least still have a date with me...before he hooks up with some other Turian guy. Instead of letting me escape, Garrus turns back to me and reaches out to catch my hand just like he’d been holding it before. 

Like his friend can’t see, and his eyes don’t go wide. 

“Shepard, this is an old friend of mine and former squadmate, Orbin.” He tugs me against his side and pulls my arm to bend behind my back, his knuckles grazing over my spine gently. “Orb, please meet Commander Shepard.” 

Orbin falters for a second, eyeing Garrus with nothing short of shock all over his face, but he recovers and smiles at me. “It’s an honor, Commander. You have quite a reputation around here...and not just for sweeping this guy off C-Sec.” His grin shifts into something more playful when he looks up at Garrus and adds, “And off his feet, apparently.” 

“Oh, now I remember why I didn’t call you,” Garrus drawls even though he doesn’t release me. 

I feel just as shocked as Orbin looks, standing in the middle of a crowded area of the Citadel with Garrus’ arm around me. It actually feels like...well, like a date. Or at least I think it does; it’s been a long time since I did anything like this. 

“Hey, I gotta get back to it - I was in the middle of something when I spotted you. But tell your family I said hi, OK?” Orbin asks, clapping Garrus on the shoulder. 

“I will. Give Thera a hug from me.” 

“Will do. It was a pleasure, Commander. Stay safe out there, both of you.” 

I say goodbye with Garrus, grateful that I’ve met one of his friends that didn’t want to sleep with him. Something tells me that’s going to be rare if we spend much time together. “You ready?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts and toward the door. 

I lead him in when he motions for me to do so, holding the doors open for me. The range is quiet today, only a few others here, and Garrus leads me away from all of them. “I didn’t change my mind,” he tells me on the way; I was just getting ready to repeat the question. “I just...got some clarity.” 

“OK, you’re going to have to be clearer than that.” 

He sighs and stops, turning back to me. I can see him tense now, and he looks around, checking to make sure we’re alone. That makes me really nervous about what he’s going to say. “I didn’t change my mind,” he repeats. “I’ve always wanted this. You changed your mind.” 

“What? No, I - “ 

“You asked me out on a date. And you held my hand on the Citadel just now.” He jerks one shoulder in a shrug, and I try not to blush. “You and I want the same things. But you got scared, and I let it go because I had too much pride and was too scared that you’d hurt me. And then...well, that ended up happening anyway.” 

I can tell that last confession makes him as uncomfortable as it makes me. My hands itch to touch him, but something tells me he’s not done yet, so I wait. 

“And then today - after you asked me out, mind you - Alenko sought me out.” 

“Oh, no.” 

“Oh, yes. He felt that he needed to make his intentions with you clear to me.” 

I grimace at that - both at Kaidan having intentions with me at all and his feeling the need to mark his non-existent, imaginary territory by telling Garrus instead of me. “I don’t think I want to know what his intentions are.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

He motions for me to continue with him into one of the small private ranges and then uses his Omni-Tool to gain entry. I want to check out the range, I want to ask him how he has access, but I want nothing more than to know where this is going, so I lead him in and then turn to face him. 

Garrus looks almost shy now. As sexy as he can be, I think this is the most attractive look on him. It melts me every damn time I see it. “It doesn’t matter what Alenko thinks there is between the two of you because...I know what there is between us.” 

He meets my gaze, and I feel my face flush while my throat goes tight. I know what he’s talking about, of course. Apparently, everyone around us knows what he’s talking about. Garrus and I have...a thing. Something. 

“I’m gonna do better,” he informs me, saying it like a vow and nodding to himself. “I’m gonna put my pride aside and be there for you, the way you deserve from your friend.” 

“My best friend,” I correct him, reaching out to catch his hand this time. His smile makes my heart leap right back into action, slamming around in my chest. I feel like everything is clicking back together for me, all the parts that were loose without Garrus consistently around finding their rightful places again. “So...we’re OK?” 

“Yeah, kid. We’re OK. Now, come on. Let’s have a date.” 

*****

If today is any example, dating Shepard is fantastic. I can’t think of a better way to spend my day off than with her in general, but something about knowing this is a date makes me feel better. Of course, I know that it’s a secret date, and she would lie about it if most of the crew asked, which is doing a pretty solid job of ruining any semblance of a hard-on I would have likely had otherwise. 

It should be enough to know that she wants me, even if she only wants me in private. I can make this work, that’s what matters.

“Listen, Vakarian, if you’re gonna keep stealing my shots, we might need to change the game.” 

I laugh at the frustration in the redhead’s tone even while I make another clean headshot that I know she was lining up. “What’s wrong with the game, Elle?” I ask playfully. “Feeling self-conscious about your range, kid?”

Shepard tries not to laugh and falls, though she quickly covers it with sarcasm. “Of course you’re beating me at a shooting game. At least you have one rifle that can perform.” 

The shot that I was preparing to take misses wildly, and Shepard shouts in victory when she hits it instead, taking advantage of my shock after her jab. 

“Keep it up, Shepard,” I respond, resettling into position and feeling my competitive nature creep up. I could take a target on the opposite side of the room, but instead, I take aim at an automated target directly behind Shepard. If I was less confident in my own skills, I’d be worried about hurting her. Actually, if we were using live rounds, I wouldn’t risk it. But if she wants to up the game, I’m not going to back down.

The shot is fired with a quick squeeze, and the target disappears, recording my hit successfully. In the instant after the shot hits, Shepard realizes how close the concussive round came to the back of her head, and she whirls around to glare at me. 

“You should close the mouth, Shepard,” I advise, swapping out my heat sink. “Someone might be tempted to find something to fill it with.” 

“Oh, Garrus. Didn’t I warn you about challenging me once?” 

Shepard lifts her rifle to aim at me, and I’m fully aware there is no target behind me. I dive out of the way just in time, and the crate behind me explodes. The Normandy is going to have to pay for that since we’re not really supposed to damage the equipment on the range. 

But if Shepard wants to play, I’m always up for it. She’ll learn soon enough that I’m not going to back down - ever. 

I use my new position to slide behind a low wall that’s closer to her. The human very nearly nails me with her biotics, and I can’t help but be impressed by the size of her quad if she actually wants to throw down with me. 

Never to be outdone, I let the heads up display on my visor signal her movement and then lean up over the wall to shoot down directly behind her. Shepard bolts forward, as expected, and I discard my rifle to tackle her right to the ground. She yelps in surprise but doesn’t miss a beat, trying to get the pistol from her waist to replace the rifle she dropped with impact on the floor. 

“You’ll have to do better than that.” I get the pistol first and slide it away. “You don’t have the reach.” 

“Maybe so.” Suddenly, Shepard shifts and contorts herself into an angle that seems impossible - would be impossible for a Turian - to hook one of her legs around my neck. With a twist, I’m on my back, and she’s straddling my chest. “But I’ve got the flexibility.” 

“Spirits.” 

Shepard laughs and sits back a bit instead of attacking me again, shaking her head to get loose hairs out of her face. I might not like being topped, but this woman is damned stunning from this angle. Especially while she’s a little sweaty and flushed. 

Beautiful, and more than a little fuckable. 

I close my eyes to try and deal with the pressure building inside my armor, my erection begging for release from the brutal metal. I promised myself that I wasn’t having sex with Shepard again, that I wouldn’t fall back into that pattern with her. Sex we can brush off in the morning, and I need her to know I’m serious about her; when my dick is in charge, I don’t prove that. 

I’m also not having sex with her while she’s kissing Kaidan Alenko.

That thought and the memory of what I saw while I’m in a position that makes me feel vulnerable sends a chill rushing down my spine. I roll quickly, using the rounded shape of my carapace to dislodge Shepard with no grace. She hits the ground beside me with a clang of her armor, and I shove quickly to my feet. 

“Ow! What the hell, Garrus?” 

“I, uh...sorry.” I didn’t mean to throw her, not like that. I definitely didn’t mean to panic. I’m supposed to be showing her that she doesn’t need Alenko, but I’m behaving like a tool. I take a breath and hold a hand out to help her up. 

Shepard looks a little suspicious but accepts my hand eventually and lets me pull her up to her feet. When she’s standing, I move back for space and can watch her suspicion grow. 

“So...we’re just getting turned on and then we’re done? That’s the game now?” 

I manage a laugh and turn away from her, grabbing my rifle from the floor. “Maybe I don’t put out on a first date.” I’m hoping that a joke will help break the tension, but when Shepard doesn’t respond from behind me, I know it failed. 

“Why don’t you want to sleep with me?” The question comes as a demand, as a command. She fully expects an answer, but I can’t help laughing. It’s easily the most absurd thing I’ve heard in a while. 

“Shepard, if I wasn’t wearing armor, you’d know just how badly I want to sleep with you.” 

I catch her throwing up her hands in frustration out of the corner of my eye, still not ready to look back her at. “So why am I over here, wet and alone?”

My hands fist around my rifle so hard I half expect the thing to crack, just the thought of her wet and ready and wanting me is enough to make me wild. Damn, I miss her. 

“Garrus, you haven’t fucked me since you were with Lorik Qui’in.” I frown and turn to her, mostly concerned by the sudden change in the pitch of her voice. Shepard’s face is red, the way it looks when she’s embarrassed or scandalized, and now she’s not looking at me. “So if this has something to do with me not being a Turian, I need you to tell me that sex is off the table.” 

The rifle I nearly broke a second ago, the gun I’ve spent several months of my salary on updating and optimizing, hits the floor with a bang I barely hear. “What did you just say to me?” 

Shepard registers the slow step that I take toward her, and I watch her throat work on a swallow, my visor recording a spike in her heart rate and temperature. She’s a little nervous, and she probably should be. 

“I did some...research. I know that what we’ve done wasn’t...it’s not what you’re used to. Not what you’d have done with a Turian.”

“Research.” 

It’s all I can manage to repeat, my mouth dry and my cock throbbing with an ache I’ve never felt before. Shepard has the good sense to mirror my next step backward, a glimmer of fear now appearing in her eyes and turning me on even more. 

“You did an extranet search and decided that you’re not what I want, what I need. Is that what you’re telling me?”

“I - “ 

“Because if you’re standing here insulting me, we aren’t going to be playing games any longer, Elle.” She startles herself when she bumps into the wall after following my step backward again. “What have I done to suggest to you that I don’t want you?” 

I have to spit out the last three words because I hate them, infuriated that she could convince herself of something so ridiculous.

“You...damn it,” I can tell she’s trying hard to regain equal footing, and I refuse to let her have it. “You were with someone else.” 

“So were you.” 

She scoffs at that, a different shade of red coming to her face now. “Please. I barely kissed Kaidan. You fucked Lorik.” 

“That was just sex, Shepard.” I see her eyes start to move, and my entire body tenses, an instinct to dominate anything that challenges me surging forward. “Do not roll your eyes at me right now, I can promise you that neither of us wants to see my reaction to that.” 

Her eyes widen at the threat instead of rolling, and I walk even closer, itching to touch her with every part of my being. 

“Listen to me.” I want until she closes her mouth again. “That was sex. It’s meaningless to me. Do you hear what I’m saying? I have never even attempted dating someone that I was sleeping with. I’ve never put myself out there, never told them how I was feeling. I fuck, Shepard. I’m good at it, and I generally don’t need to care about the other person beyond them getting off.” 

Another step closer and she presses into the wall like she wants to disappear through it, her eyes going even wider, which seems impossible. 

“I’m not having sex with you because you mean too damn much to me to throw it away for a fling. And you…” I shake my head and struggle to find the right words. “You don’t want me.” 

“That is not true.” 

“Go back to the Normandy and tell them about me, about us.” Shepard blinks at the challenge and then diverts her eyes, my heart ready to dive out of my chest and find the rifle itself. 

She won’t do that. Because it’s true. 

“You don’t want me,” I repeat, the words hitting me this time as well. I step away from her and then turn, going back to gather my rifle again. “I told you that I want to be here for you, be around you...be a better friend. And I meant that. But if you need sex to spend time with me, I…” I have to trail off, my throat threatening to close around the words. “I can’t do that.” 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been on Shepard’s side of this, sending away some Turian or Asari who thought we had something special. Men who wanted exclusivity, women who wanted to marry me. They were all just sex to me, and when they gave me ultimatums or wanted to hang out without sex, I turned them down. Cut them off. 

I’ve never been the asshole on this side of it. And I hate it. 

By the time I collect my things, Shepard still hasn’t moved from the wall. I hate that I feel guilty when I’m not sure I did anything wrong. I just can’t stand the thought of hurting her. I head for the doors before I apologize and do whatever she wants. 

“Garrus, please don’t go.” 

I pause mostly out of surprise that she’s actually saying anything. And then she starts talking, rapidly and her words tumbling out in a rush. 

“I can’t risk my career, not right now. And I know that’s a shit reason to put you at a distance, but it’s what I have to do for me. I know that you’ll respect that if I ask you to, I know that you’ll keep away, and I know that we can just be friends.”

Her voice cracks, and I turn back to find her slumped against the wall, her eyes red and the muscles in her throat straining. I can tell she’s not done, so I don’t speak and don’t move. 

“But I also know that you’re beautiful and wonderful and the best friend ever and that...you’re going to find someone else. I know it’s not fair I’m asking you to stay with me when I won’t take risks for you, but I’m doing it because...because I’m not ready to lose you. I can’t be with you, but I can’t let you go.” 

Shepard’s head falls forward like it’s grown suddenly heavy, and I hear her whisper, “I’m sorry.” 

I feel sick. I want to get the hell away from her and go console her all at once. Part of me wants to go get my job back at C-SEc, never have to be around her again. And the other part of me...gets it. Gets all of it.

And I could never abandon her.

“If being your best friend is the only honor I have right now, it’s still an honor. I won’t give that up.” Her head lifts, and the human sniffles, the scent of her salty tears reaching me. I have to swallow to move the lump in my throat before I can keep speaking. “But, I...I can’t do more than that. Damn it, Shepard, I fall for you every time you kiss me. And I can’t keep doing that to myself. I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s…” She shakes her head and sniffs again before straightening and making an attempt to wipe her eyes with gauntlets on. “It’s OK. I understand. God, Garrus, someone like you deserves a partner who screams it from the rooftops.” 

“I don’t want anyone else.” 

She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “You will.” 

“You first.” That makes her bark out a laugh, and she rolls her eyes without fear now. “I’m sorry that I made you cry on our date.” 

“Yeah. I’m sorry I’m not ready to keep dating.” 

I offer her a smile and shake my head, unwilling to let her feel bad about what she needs. Shepard opens her mouth and then closes it again before restarting, whatever she wants to say clearly weighing on her. “Is it OK if I still need you?” 

“Spirits, Shepard, of course. I’m still here, I’m right here.” C-Sec could give me Pallen’s job, and I know I couldn’t leave her. I don’t want to...I like that she needs me. 

Shepard finally smiles genuinely, and the horrible pain in my chest lifts at least a little, just knowing she needs me for something. 

“I respect your career, Elle. I think you’re amazing, and I can’t wait to be a small part, any part of the things you’re going to do.” 

Shepard shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest, gaining some of her confidence back. “I couldn’t do a bit of it without you, big guy.” 

“I know.” I motion with my head toward the door. “Come on. Let me buy you dinner before we have to get back to work.” She smiles and heads for her locker to gather her things, and I watch her. 

I know that nothing has really changed, but it feels like everything has. At least now I know why she’s rejected me, that it’s not because she doesn’t want me. And now she knows why I can’t be casual with her. We’ve found new ground, and I’m OK with it. 

I meant what I said to her. If all I get to be is Elle Shepard’s best friend, it’s the best thing I’ve ever been.


	10. Choices

“Tali, when you talk that fast about the drive core, I can’t understand a single thing you say.” I cock my head, considering it, and add, “Actually, even when you talk slowly about the drive core, I can’t understand a damn thing. You have picked the wrong audience for this.” 

The Quarian sighs at me and continues to tap away things I couldn’t even begin to read on her console. “Come on, Shepard. It’s your ship. You should learn how it works.” 

“Absolutely not. Then you and Engineer Adams would be out of a job.” She laughs at that, and I can tell she’s rolling her eyes at me. “Seriously. If none of the updates are mission-critical, I trust you and the team down here. Go nuts.” 

“Go nuts?” she repeats. 

“Human idiom. It means do whatever you want - something I never say to Joker.” She laughs again and nods, thanking me for the approval to do things I don’t understand. 

“So, humans are only trained in one area?”

I shrug. “It depends. I mean, technically, as a kid, I was trained to be a farmer. Later, it was combat and my biotics. Weapons, first contact, exploration; those are more the realm I live in. Plus, leadership training and things like that.” 

“But what if you did want to be an engineer? Or a pilot?”

“That’s specialized, usually. It’s why Joker could be an Alliance pilot,” I explain, leaning against the console that she’s working on without hindering her space. I like coming down to Engineering to visit Tali, but I kind of hate that there’s nowhere for me to sit. “He didn’t have to train for combat, so his illness isn’t a problem. Is it different on the Flotilla?”

“Yes. We’re all expected to have a wide range of knowledge, in case a different vessel needs us for a different role.” She shrugs, something I’m sure she learned from me. “We have our preferences and strong suits, of course. I have also received training in piloting, and what I have learned is that it would be unwise to let me pilot anything.” 

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind, Tali, thanks. I’m gonna go finish rounds, OK?” 

“Of course, Shepard. Thanks for spending some time here.” She thanks me every night when she’s one of the nightly stops that make my days easier instead of making me roll my eyes on my way out. I definitely don’t need thanks from Tali, and she knows it. 

“Thanks for being you, Tali.” 

I leave her with that and say goodnight to the rest of the Engineering crew on my way out. My next goal had been Wrex, but before I even get up the short corridor to the Cargo Hold from Engineering, I can hear the tank-like rumble of the Krogan snoring. Sure enough, he’s spread eagle over his special order cot and completely passed out. Even if I wanted to wake him up just to chat, I don’t think I could accomplish that without a weapon. 

I have to keep myself from getting too excited when I run through a mental checklist of the crew and realize this means I’m down to my last stop for the evening. 

Garrus. 

Unfortunately, his station by the Mako is empty, and there is no Turian to be found anywhere else in the Cargo Hold, either. 

At least now I know that he’s not avoiding me. It took a blow out in the shooting range on the Citadel and more tears than I’m ever going to confess to, but things are finally OK between us again. We’re keeping more physical distance than we used to - Garrus still hasn’t brought up finishing our movie marathon, and I’m frankly too nervous to bring it up myself - but in the three days since our fight, we’ve at least been friends again. 

I head upstairs in the elevator and aim for Mess Hall since Garrus is unlikely to be on the Crew Floor. Besides, if he’s not there, I can grab a shower and shoot him a message to meet me. 

I really need to stop setting myself up for the flood of mental images when I think about Garrus and the shower in the same sentence. The only way that we can continue being friends is with sex off the table, at least while Garrus and I are in different places about us, but it’s a full-time job not to think about him that way. 

“OK, so maybe not having actual sex with a Hanar. But all those tentacles have to be good for something.” Joker’s voice carries from the cockpit and rewards me with absolutely the strangest out of context sentence I have ever heard, followed by Garrus’ unmistakable chocolately laugh. 

“Did you just hear yourself?” the Turian counters as I head through the otherwise empty Mess Hall. I can see the two of them in the pilot and navigator’s seats, respectively, neither one facing me. “They are tentacles, man. I don’t want tentacles on my dick.” 

Joker heaves out a dramatic sigh. “We can’t all look like you, big guy. Sometimes I’d take just about anything on my dick.” 

I have to cover my mouth to stifle my laugh and avoid getting caught with that one. 

“For shit’s sake, Joker. I came up here to ask if you knew where Shepard was, how did we get here?”

“I’m honestly afraid to know the answer to that,” I tell them, officially announcing my presence as I walk over the bridge toward them. 

Both chairs spin toward me at the same time, two men who couldn’t be much more different and have quickly become close friends smirking up at me. I try my best not to notice the huge effort Garrus puts into not checking me out even while I can see his hands fist around the arms of the chair. 

“Can we pretend you heard none of that, Commander?” Joker asks, having the grace to look at least a little embarrassed. 

“Joker, if I never have to discuss or hear your Hanar sex fantasies again, it’ll be too soon.” 

“You’re the best, Shepard.” 

“I know it.” I turn to Garrus. Shit, I love his smile. “I was just down in the Cargo Hold looking for you.” 

“Good timing then. There’s something I need to talk to you about.” I motion for him to follow me, and we both say goodnight to Joker before leaving the bridge. “How were your rounds?” 

“Oh, just wonderful. Ashley made another plea to have all of you scary aliens thrown off the ship, Kaidan tried to brush my hair back from my face and poked me in the eye, I think I offended Liara when I asked if a single-gendered species could actually be male or female, and Tali talks too fast about the engine for me to understand a damn word. Oh, and Wrex fell asleep.” 

Garrus’ laugh surrounds us in the hallway to my quarters, the hard and free laugh which makes me feel more confident walking back into my quarters beside him. I’ve missed laughing with him. “And don’t forget the Hanar fantasies. Really the highlight of otherwise perfect rounds.” 

“Yes, can’t leave those out. I have to say I’m pretty damn relieved you don’t share those fantasies, Vakarian. I don’t know if we could be friends.” 

“My fantasies would terrify you, kid,” he quips, running a talon aimlessly along one of the display cases for my model ship collection. He stopped here when we came in, probably strategic in keeping himself near the door. 

I want to at least appear calm, so I move further into the room and sit down in the chair I’ve always taken when we’re here together. 

“I hate to say these words to you, Shepard...but I have to ask you for a favor.” 

It catches me off guard. “Really? You never do that...which makes me a little nervous it’s serious.” 

“It is serious.” 

I motion for the other chair, and Garrus eyes me for a moment before his shoulders relax like he decided I’m not going to try and seduce him, before crosses the room and sits beside me. I make sure that he knows he has all of my attention, resting my elbows on my knees and waiting for the story. 

He tells me about a Salarian geneticist that he was investigating a while back when he was still with C-Sec, a guy that they suspected was harvesting and selling body parts on the black market. Garrus got enough evidence to catch him, but C-Sec regulations and red tape prevented him from getting the doctor into custody. 

“Quick question - a little off-topic. Why the hell would anyone pay for Krogan testicles?” 

Garrus gives me a sideways glance and smirks. “I forget how little time you’ve spent among the other species of the galaxy. Some Krogan believe that testicle transplants can increase their virility, counteract the effects of the genophage. It’s all crap, it doesn’t work, but that doesn’t stop them from buying. I’ve seen Krogan pay up to ten thousand credits each.” 

I balk at him. “Forty thousand for a whole set? Shit, Garrus, we’re in the wrong line of work!” Garrus laughs and shakes his head at me. “Anyway, you have me sufficiently convinced that this doctor is disgusting. I’m assuming you know where he is now?” 

“Remember that friend of mine I introduced you to on the Citadel? He picked up a lead. It looks like Dr. Saleon changed ships and changed his name - to Dr. Heart.” 

“Ugh, a freak with a sense of humor.” 

“Exactly. Orbin is a pretty safe bet on things like this, so I’m willing to trust the lead. It wouldn’t take us more than a day to reach him from our current location.” 

“So, the favor is to help you go after him?” I clarify. 

Garrus sighs and sits back in his seat. “It’s always bothered me, what happened that day. I went to Pallen right after they let him get away, and I damn near quit the force right then. I get why they weren’t willing to risk civilian lives, but we could have disabled the ship. Instead, those people are dead anyway, and he’s still out there.” 

“I see your point.” It’s true, I get why letting him go was tough for Garrus - it would have been tough for me, too. Part of me doesn’t want to argue with him because we’ve had such a rough patch lately, but Garrus deserves more respect from me than that. “You have to care about the civilian lives, Garrus, they have to come first. If not, you’re no better than that doctor. Just a terrorist with a badge.” 

“I’m like Saren,” Garrus notes with a harsh laugh, looking down at his hands. “Yeah...yeah, I know.” 

“But,” I add, getting his attention and pulling him back from his thoughts. “He also has to be stopped. So if there’s any opportunity for that, we need to take it. Send Joker the coordinates from Orbin, and you can come with me tomorrow to put an end to this.” 

I can see the relief wash over him instantly and wonder if it’s because I’m agreeing to the mission or because I didn’t belittle him for thinking differently than C-Sec told him to. I can see the rebel streak in Garrus that probably scares the hell out of his parents, his previous commanders, and definitely the cops that he worked for. 

I also see an exceptionally capable soldier, a brilliant strategist, and a passionate leader. I’m not going to let anyone put the fire inside Garrus out. Not even Garrus. 

“You know, I haven’t gotten a chance to yell at you about Feron yet.” His brow plates raise, and his impossibly blue eyes feel like they’re going to pierce right through me. “Why would you ever leave this ship without me? And especially with the Varren puppy twins instead?” 

“I...OK, fine. I was being petty, and I’m not going to apologize for it.” Garrus laughs even while he shakes his head at me like he’s disappointed. I’m not about to take that shit from him. “Really? Wanna talk about your night with Lorik Qui’in?” 

Garrus barks out a harsh laugh. “Absolutely. How are things with Kaidan?” I scoff, but it only makes him laugh for real. “I can lend you my safety goggles for when you sleep with him. Hate to think what he might poke you in the eye with then.” 

Laughter explodes from me, all the way up from my toes, even while I want to be upset with the damn Turian. I can tell that Garrus tries to hold out but ends up fading into laughter with me until we’re both gasping for air, and I have to wipe tears from my eyes. 

“God, Vakarian. You are such a dick.” 

“Yeah,” he breathes, nodding slowly and letting his eyes fall away from me. “I know it.” 

He’s still smiling, but something tugs at me, like he might have become sad, and I can’t stand it. “What?” 

Garrus runs a hand back over his head and then scratches his fringe, making me curious and maybe a little nervous about whatever he’s going to say. After a beat, he looks up at me. “Shepard, do you ever worry that we’re not gonna get Saren?” 

That’s definitely not what I was expecting. 

“No, not really. We’re closing in on him,” I remind him. “And Saren knows it, that’s why he turned on the Thorian and had Benezia go wild on that Rachni.” Garrus nods slowly, but I can tell his mind is already moving ahead of me. “Are you worried we’re not going to get him?”

“I know you’ll get him,” Garrus responds, his mandibles flaring on a grin. “I’m not sure there’s anything you can’t do once you’ve set your mind to it, Elle Shepard. And I’m damn sure I never want to be the one you’re hunting down.” 

My head falls back on a laugh, and I can feel myself falling back into the relaxed rhythm with him that I missed so much, that I was worried we wouldn’t find in this room ever again. I pull my legs up onto the chair under me and rest my chin on my hand again. “So then what are you worried about?”

He turns toward me, resting his elbows on his knees with his legs shoulder-width apart. “I can’t help but think about how much work the Council did to protect him. He’s an investment to them, he was an asset. What if they protect him again when we do bring him in?” 

“The Council has also invested a lot in use getting him back,” I remind him. “And we made them realize he’s a threat to the galaxy. They’re not going to let him get away.” 

“Maybe we shouldn’t give them a chance, Shepard,” Garrus urges me, his tone impassioned all of a sudden and his blue eyes blazing at him. “I just...I think we need to eliminate Saren as a problem when we do get him, instead of taking any risks.” 

“If he gives me reason, if he puts anyone on this crew at risk, I’ll take Saren down in a heartbeat,” I assure him. It’s not something I even have to consider. “But if we have the opportunity to follow the appropriate channels, we’re taking it. Saren needs to face judgment and justice.” 

“Shepard. If the Council finds him guilty, they’ll send him back to Palaven. He’ll have his clan markings stripped, he’ll lose all of his assets, and then he’ll be sent off-world. Shamed and broke, yeah, but still Saren. And that should scare the hell out of you.” 

“What scares the hell out of me is the idea of people taking the law into their own hands because they don’t like the way the system works,” I retort, eyeing him with my eyebrows raised. I have no doubt that Garrus will come to the same conclusion when he thinks things through instead of thinking with his anger and his heart first. 

“Damn it,” he growls, straightening so that he can lean back into the seat again. “You’re right. I know you’re right. It just...it makes me so damn mad to think about how many bad people have gotten away with horrible shit. It’s one of the reasons I hated being at C-Sec so much, having to wade through all that red tape just to do the right thing.” 

I try my hardest not to smile or gawk at him, but I’m fairly certain I fail. Garrus is damn fine anyway, but when he gets passionate, it’s enough to melt me. 

Garrus does a double-take when he catches me staring. “What are you staring at like that?” 

“Nothing. I just...I really admire you. Your spirit and sense of justice.” 

“Really? You argued with everything I said - and you were right to argue,” he notes, frowning at me even though I can tell he’s not upset. 

“So, you still have things to learn and a temper to manage. But you’re starting from the right place, Garrus,” I assure him, reaching out and putting my hand on his knee. His hand comes over mine almost absently, like it’s just natural. “You have heart, you care. There’s nothing wrong with that. And even if I argue the methods with you, don’t forget that. Promise me you’ll stay passionate.” 

He finally relaxes, and I watch his gentle smile return. “I promise. Thank you.” 

I nod and squeeze his leg gently, also just because it feels natural. It’s not until I feel the muscles under my hand bunch and tense that I realize I’m touching him in a way that I wouldn’t touch anyone else on the crew. Garrus looks down at my hand and seems to realize the same. 

I start to pull away, but Garrus keeps his hand on top of mine, trapping it. My heart thumps instantly, and I find his eyes on mine, still blazing. Before he speaks, I can tell that he’s trying to implore me. “You make me a better person, Shepard. With you...I want to be a better person.” 

My face heats quickly, and I try to pull away from him again, but Garrus keeps my hand, this time shifting to hold it between both of his hands. 

“Don’t. I mean it,” he presses. “Joining your team is the best decision I’ve ever made. I hate asking you for a favor, but it means the world to me that you’ll help me get it done.” 

“I would do anything for you, Garrus.” It’s entirely honest and just spilled out without real thought, but the smile on Garrus’ face makes me feel less scared of it. He lifts my hand to his mouth and brushes the soft plates across the back of my knuckles, electricity shooting right up my arm from the touch. 

Before I have any chance to act on it, Garrus stands. “It’s late. I should probably go.” 

I hate how badly I want him to stay. 

“Yeah, it’s probably about that time,” I lie. “Give those coordinates to Joker so we can get on the way.” 

“Will do, Commander, and thanks again.” I force myself to stay in place while Garrus stands and heads for the door, choosing to walk backward so that he’s torturing me with that damn sweet smile I like so much. “Goodnight, Elle.” 

I love the way my first name sounds in his deep, dual-toned voice; my body still reacts viscerally to it, no matter how many times I’ve heard it. As much as I want him to stay, I need him to go before I combust or go crazy.

“Night, big guy.” 

I stare at the door far longer than I should after he’s gone and can’t help but be a little melancholy while getting myself ready for bed. Sometimes I feel so removed from the crew in here, which is why I spend so much time elsewhere even if the quiet in my quarters is better for work. Of course, even then, I end up trying to be near Garrus. 

Maybe I’m not lonely so much as I am missing him. 

I’ve been trying to convince myself to back off from the handsome, charming Turian before it’s too late, before I want more than sex and friendship from him. The harder I try, the clearer the truth becomes. But there’s not going to be any denying it for much longer - not even I am that good at lying to myself. 

I’m in love with Garrus Vakarian. 

*******

“This was not optional, Garrus.” 

My father’s voice has always grated on my nerves, but it’s much worse now that he’s stopped bothering to hide how disappointed he is in me. 

“Seems like I pretty much took the option not to go, Dad.” 

It probably doesn’t help that I’ve stopped bothering to hide that I don’t give a crap what he wants. 

“You disrespected her family, Garrus, there is no possibility that they will allow us to build another contract for you!” I roll my eyes even though my father is only on voice call and can’t see it. He wouldn’t understand the gesture anyway since it’s a decidedly human move. “You aren’t going to have many options left if you don’t stop this.” 

“I don’t want these options!” I tell him for what feels like the hundredth time. “I am never going to be interested in accepting a marriage contract.” 

“How do you plan to get married, then?” 

I laugh at him, dropping my wrench onto the bench because I know it’ll echo obnoxiously over my Omni-Tool speaker. “I don’t plan to get married and definitely not to someone you select because it’ll look good for our families. I don’t care about any of that.” 

“You are too old for this shit anymore,” he groans. I can picture him rubbing a hand over his face from behind his desk.

“I’m too young to tie myself down,” I argue. 

“So you plan is just to continue following the human around and - “

“Is Mom home?” I cut him off right there like I do anytime he mentions the human whose crew I am serving on right now. I’m too scared to talk about Shepard with him because I know that as much a pain as he is about my life right now, if my father learns that I’m in love with a human Spectre, my life will get infinitely worse. 

I wonder if his head would just explode altogether if he knew that she might be falling for me, too. 

The thought makes me smile, which is pretty damn rare when I’m speaking to my Dad. Before last night, I thought I was losing my touch or at least my senses. I’d been so sure Shepard felt something more than lust for me, but she’s continued to deny it. The truth is in her face when she talks about me, though. Shepard can keep denying it; we both know the truth. 

“She’s resting at the moment, but I’ll tell her you’re well and asked for her.” I’m sure that my father will also complain to her about me, but I thank him for this part anyway. “You could come visit your mother. She would like that.” 

“Dad. I visit as often as I can.” 

“You’ve been on the human’s mission for coming up on a year now, and Saren is - “ 

“We’re not talking about Saren,” I snap at him. As much as my father annoys me, I rarely take this particular tone with him. But if I were to start a war over anything, it would be this. I have too much going on about Saren internally for my father’s opinions. “Just...tell Mom that I love her. I’ll call when I can.” 

I disconnect without pausing to tell my dad that I love him. He wouldn’t say it back anyway, and I’ve had more than enough of that shit lately. 

“Saren sounds like a sore topic for you.” 

I curse myself for not noticing the elevator descending or hearing Ashley Williams return to the Cargo Bay. It only gets worse when I smell Alenko’s musky cologne. Tali thinks that he smells like Elcor sweat, and I refuse to ask how she knows what that smells like, but I know human women like the smell.

My console whines in protest when I remember that Shepard likes the smell, and I grip it too tight. 

“I wouldn’t have had a private conversation if I knew there was an audience.” I hope it’s enough of a signal to make the humans stop talking to me, but I never get quite that lucky - especially not with these two. 

“I remember when Shepard signed you onto the team, back on the Citadel. You said something about him being your friend,” Alenko notes. I don’t answer him because it wasn’t a question and turn to open up a program on my console instead. Maybe that will get them gone. Instead, Kaidan pushes on and asks, “Is that still true?”

The program closes when my hand comes down in a fist on the console. “What did you just say?” 

I turn to face Alenko, finding the two of them standing in the middle of the Cargo Hold. Ashley has her arms crossed over her chest and a pissed-off sneer on her face - or that’s just her face. I don’t like the way they’re positioned; it makes me feel like I’m being challenged, and I’ve never handled that well. 

“Are you still friends with Saren?” Ashley demands boldly. 

A harsh laugh escapes me. “You have some kind of quad on you, Williams, to ask me if I’m still friends with a traitor and a murderer.” 

“Saren hates humans, doesn’t he?” she presses. “Makes sense his friends would have a similar outlook on life.”

“So then all of your friends are xenophobes with big mouths and daddy complexes?” The human female does not like that, her face instantly going red while her hands drop into fists. “You can flex those fists at me all you want, Williams. Being a Turian means I respect women enough not to take it easy on them. Any time you wanna go a few rounds, you just let me know.” 

“No,” Alenko inserts firmly, grabbing Ashley’s arm even though she didn’t make a move. “We aren’t going to start a fight. We have a right to protect this mission - and Shepard.” 

He pisses me off so much more than Ashley’s racist shit could. I can’t look at him without seeing Shepard in his arms, and it makes me want to rip him to pieces. “You do not need to protect Shepard from me, Alenko.” 

“Though you might need to protect yourself.” 

Again, I get caught off guard - this time by Shepard herself coming in from Engineering with Tali. My heart and cock jump with equal amounts of excitement at the sight of her, especially when I can tell she’s pissed. Shepard takes the stance I like so much, arms crossed and sunk back into one hip while she looks between the three of us. 

“Why does this look like an interrogation?” she asks the room. 

“Oh, it’s all good, Commander. Williams and Alenko just wanted to make sure that I’m not going to betray you - and Nihlus, actually - for Saren’s sake.” 

The humans shrink back immediately when Shepard turns to unleash an emerald-colored glare at them. She’s obviously a lot more intimidating than I am, and I really can’t blame them for feeling that way. “Please tell me he’s kidding.” 

“You put a lot of faith in him when we know that he had a relationship with someone who hates humans, Skipper, that’s all we’re saying,” Williams notes, putting her hands up defensively as if she’s not the problem here.

If all the humans who came through Relay 314 for first contact with Turians were like Ashley Williams, I’m not at all surprised we went to war. 

“You hate Turians, Williams. Why is that?” I ask her. 

She scoffs, and I can tell she wants to blow off my question before she glances at Shepard again. “My grandfather fought in the First Contact War, or whatever you call it.” Williams knows damn well what we call it, but I don’t grace that with a response. “So did a few of his brothers and one of my uncles. A lot of them died.” 

“A lot of people died on both sides of that war,” Shepard adds. 

“You know why Saren hates humans?” I can tell the question surprises all of them, and Shepard turns to look at me, her eyebrows raised. 

I have to brace myself to prepare for telling the story, and I buy a moment by finding a specific file that’s been saved on my Omni-Tool forever. “Turians have something called a bond-mate,” I explain. “It’s like a husband or wife, it’s like falling in love but more...so much that we undergo physiological changes. That person, your bond-mate, becomes intricately a part of you.” 

I can feel Shepard’s eyes burning into me now, and I avoid her gaze. 

I find the picture that I wanted, and I pull it up for display. The smiling Turians in the image make my heart hurt now. “This is Saren and his bond-mate, Cai. I was probably sixteen when this was taken, and the year after, Saren became a Spectre. They moved to the Citadel, and one night, Cai was walking home alone when she got jumped by a group of human thugs.” 

My voice cracks around her name, and Tali whispers my first name. 

“They demanded whatever she had on her and Cai, being the proud woman that she was, refused them. So the humans attacked her. Cai died...and so did the baby.” I bring up a second picture, this one of a much younger me and Cai. I remember the day so well, when she pressed my hand to her swollen belly so that I could feel the unborn Turian kick. 

“Oh, God. Garrus.” Shepard’s voice is soft and sad. 

“Shit,” Alenko growls. 

I nod and close the pictures because I can’t look at them anymore. “Saren hates humans, and he doesn’t make a secret of it. He’s made mistakes because of that hatred before this, and how he treats them is inexcusable. But at least Saren has a reason, not just a racist grudge passed down to him, Williams. I’m not on his side, I don’t much care for most of this universe at all most days, but I do have Shepard’s back. And you aren’t any better than Saren if you don’t see past my plates.” 

The room goes so silent for an instant that I’m certain we could hear a pin drop, and for a moment, I wonder if the ship went dead. 

“Chief Williams.” Ashley tears her eyes from me for the first time to look at our Commander. “The next time you intentionally start an altercation with a non-human member of this crew, you will be relieved from duty on board this ship. Consider this a formal warning and expect to see it added into your file by tomorrow.” 

Williams closes her eyes briefly but pulls it together. “Yes, ma’am.” 

“Lieutenant Alenko, I heard enough of the discussion to know that you played a role here. You are no longer on the roster for the mission tonight. I don’t trust you.” 

Even I have to blink at that, the punishment much worse than what Ashley received even if it doesn’t look that way on paper. Alenko looks like he might burst into tears, and all he can manage in response is a nod and a whisper of confirmation. 

“Tali, gear up. You can come up with us instead - we should dock at the enemy ship in an hour.” The Quarian confirms immediately and then heads back to Engineering to prepare.

Finally, for the first time since coming down here, Shepard turns to look at me. I brace myself, aware that it’ll hurt like hell if she scolds me in front of Alenko and Williams. Instead, the look in her eyes changes to one that is instantly familiar to me and decidedly not scolding. “Come with me.” 

The words tug at my very damn core, my entire body drawn to this woman. It only gets worse when she turns around; even if I could deny her, that perfect ass makes me weak. I follow her into the elevator, trying to pretend that I don’t think Alenko and Williams are staring at me. 

My chest hurts from spilling like that to the two of them, in such a public way. I’ll take whatever comfort I can get from Shepard right now. 

I can’t breathe the second the elevator doors close behind us, the air inside the little metal deathtrap sparking to life. I close my eyes to try and block it out. “Spirits, this is a bad idea.” 

“What?” Shepard hits the touchpad to stop it from leaving the Cargo Bay. 

“Being alone with you right now,” I confess, running a hand back over my fringe and pulling to try and get a more literal grip on myself. The smell of this woman is going to get me hard, and it’s not going to be easy to hide in casual pants. “Turians...all kind of tension creates the same reaction in us, and we need to release it in the same ways. Angry, sad, stressed...whatever. It all makes me wanna…” 

I open my eyes and find Shepard leaning against the other wall. She’s watching me with bright green eyes and more than a little heat in the flush on her cheeks. 

Her voice is low, betraying her arousal, when she asks, “Makes you wanna what, Garrus?” 

“Nothing,” I assert, shaking my head firmly and forcing my eyes away from her. “I don’t...just forget it. I’m sorry for engaging them, I should know better and just walk away from Williams.” 

Shepard scoffs. “Williams deserved it, and I don’t want to forget it. Garrus...you can take what you need from me.” The words hit me hard enough to send a surge down my spine and I shudder, almost overcome with need. I know what happens after, though, and I can’t deal with that; I’m not ready for her to hurt me again. “I want to be here for you like you always are for me.” 

“Elle, you are here for me,” I promise her. I hate that she looks almost guilty when I believe in my heart that all she wants is to be the best friend to me that she can be. 

“Not the way…” She clears her throat. “Not the way that either of us wants me to be.” 

I can’t help a little frown and shake my head at her, a little lost. I clear my throat as well. “I’m sorry, Shepard, you’re gonna have to be a little clearer. Frankly, the ways that I want you to be here for me right now are considered illegal for some species.” That makes her laugh even while she blushes. 

Shepard takes a deep breath and then shakes her head. “This is not a good time for this, I’m sorry. I just want you to have a clear head going into the mission tonight. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. Actually, not true - the last thing I want is for you to think that I share Kaidan and Ashley’s concerns about your loyalty.” 

“I appreciate you making a point of saying it, but I know. Except for leaving me behind on Feron, you’ve proven over and over that you trust me.” 

“Oh, my God. Are you ever going to let that go?”

I cock my head at her. “Well, it’s that or kissing Alenko. I’m choosing the one that makes me feel a little less insane with rage.” 

“Fair,” she breathes, looking up at me with wide green eyes. “But, I do trust you. Honestly...more than I’ve trusted anyone since losing my family.” 

The words soften me, but it’s the vulnerable look on her face that really hits me hard, the weight behind the words. Instead of responding or teasing her anymore, and as much as it might hurt me, I close the distance between us. Her heart rate spikes immediately, and I hate knowing how badly she wants me when I can’t do anything about us. 

“Thanks for talking me down, kid.” I tug her hair to make her look up at me, something that always makes her heart skip, and lean forward to press my mouth plates to her forehead. It’s the closest I can get to a human kiss, and I hope the sentiment is at least appreciated. “I’ll be on my game for the mission. We’ll see if you can keep up.” 

She barks out a laugh and shoves me away playfully. “You’re on, big guy. Hope the good Dr. Strange has some merc power for us to have fun with.” 

“The perfect woman,” I tell her with a wink while tapping the code to open the elevator doors again. 

I can hear her gasp, but I choose not to wait for her reaction to my honest announcement, leaving to get ready instead. No matter what else is going on, I do need to be at the top of my game for her. Alenko around or no, I have everything to prove where the perfect woman is concerned. 

Shepard leaves in the elevator behind me, and I head back out into the Cargo Bay to prepare myself for the mission tonight. Dr. Saleon has been one of those cases that has haunted me, and I have very few - I finish my work. His despicable work needs to end, and it needs to be tonight. 

At the moment, thinking about Saren feels a little too raw. So I’m focusing on a clearer enemy with no gray area whatsoever. 

*******

Tali was the right choice for this mission. 

I was originally going to let Kaidan come because he did well on Feron, and I wanted to boost his confidence. Then he got stupid and helped Ashley Williams attack my best friend. I wouldn’t tolerate that from anyone, I don’t know why those two thought it would be OK. 

At the moment, I don’t totally know why I’m allowing Ashley to continue serving on the Normandy. I can see a good person, a good soldier inside her...I just can’t figure out how to bring it out. 

But I’m grateful to have Tali with us tonight. Garrus is more on edge than I’ve ever really seen him. I know that it’s partially because he’s trying to control his need for vengeance with Saleon, but also because of what happened in the garage earlier. It’s understandable; Saren is a tough topic for him anyway, and Garrus shared some really personal shit today. Plus, his loyalty was questioned, and I’ve seen how that gets to him. 

Tali’s presence, her every-bubbly personality, is helping distract and calm him while we gear up, and I’ve never been so grateful for the Quarian. 

They start rambling on about couplings or some other such thing I don’t understand while I fit my rifle with my new scope. I can’t help smiling when I think about Garrus presenting it to me. I’ve never had a lover surprise me with a gift just for the sake of being thoughtful. 

I’ve never had a lover who was anything like Garrus, in any way.

“Hello? Normandy to Shepard?”

I startle when I realize Tali is waving her hand in my face, caught daydreaming about my dreamy ass sniper...who is laughing at me right now. “Distracted, Shepard?” he teases. 

“My shiny new scope deserves my attention, thank you very much.” 

“Hmm. Lucky scope.” Something in the way Garrus says it, his voice slipping into that deep register, makes me look up at him. I catch him just in time to watch blue eyes slide down my whole body, his tongue sliding absently over his mouth plates and making my skin erupt with heat. I can’t imagine what he likes enough to look at me in such a blatantly erotic and predatory way, but I love it. 

And, damn, that tongue….

Garrus pulls his eyes back up to my face and startles when he realizes I’ve been watching, turning away quickly to gather himself and going back to his gear. I shake off the heat blooming in my core as much as possible to do the same, both of us choosing to ignore Tali giggling after she witnessed the whole exchange. 

“We’re coming up on the MSV Fedele, Commander,” Joker calls over the intercom. “Want me to radio through and let the freaky doctor guy know we’re landing?” 

“Nah, let’s take the shuttle and surprise him.” 

“Definitely sounds like the kind of guy we should be surprising,” Tali drawls, priming her shotgun. It surprised the hell out of me to find out that her favorite weapon is the same as the Krogan’s, but she’s actually a great shot, so I don’t question it. 

The ride is short, and the Turian is calming down, now that he has something to focus on. 

Everyone is focused as we come up on the conveyor, our shuttle pilot docking smoothly, although he alerts us that the ship locks down immediately after we dock. With Tali around, it’s no problem. She hacks the doors onto the ship, and we all stay locked and loaded as we enter, Garrus in his rightful spot on my right-hand side. 

We’re greeted by an empty hallway, so when we head into a room that looks like it’s just for storage, I assume it will also be empty. The sick groan unmistakable to the husk-like things that have been haunting me at every turn lately suggests otherwise. 

“Guess Saleon stepped up his game from just cloning organs,” Garrus rumbles as we take cover to assess the situation. There’s probably a dozen of them, humanoid zombies rather similar to what the Geth are making, but our team wipes through them quickly. 

Now that I’ve seen first hand what he’s doing, I’m just as eager as Garrus to bring this doctor to justice. It’s with a renewed purpose that I lead them through the room and beyond, where we find a Salarian cowering in a lab. 

“Thank you!” he gushes, evidently unperturbed by our weapons in his face. “Thank you for saving me from those - those things!” 

“Commander, that’s him,” Garrus confirms. “That’s Dr. Saleon.” 

“What? My name is Heart. Dr. Heart!” he protests, feigning offense. “Please, just get me out of here.” 

“You know, making my squadmates and friends out to be liars is not going to help you here,” I tell him, putting my pistol back on my hip so that I’m free to approach him for restraints when the time comes. He’s unarmed, and we aren’t, so I’m still feeling confident. 

“There’s no escape today, Doctor,” Garrus tells him, not bothering to hide the cocky gloat in his tone. “I’d harvest your organs first, for old time’s sake, but we don’t have the time.” 

I nod. “We’ll take him and drop him off with the military. He committed his crimes in Council space, they can decide what to do with him. 

“Shepard - we have him!” I balk at Garrus’ protest, the outburst, and argument totally unlike him. “We can’t let this freak get away, not again.” 

“We are not letting him get away, Vakarian, we’re turning him in.” 

Garrus shakes his head and looks away from me, clearly unhappy. 

If this were another member of the team, I’d rip them a new one for insubordination on a mission. But it’s Garrus...and I can’t treat him like just another person on the team. 

“Hey.” I step forward and grab him by the armored carapace, pulling him to face me. The expression on his face tells that he’s expecting the chewing out. “Think this through. If he dies, we’ll never know what he’s been up to all this time. The families of his victims get no closure. We take him in, interrogate him, then he serves his time.” 

“We could put an end to his shit right now,” Garrus growls. “You don’t know C-Sec like I do, sometimes things slip through the cracks.” 

“That’s the system, Garrus, and we can’t always just blow through it for results. We’re soldiers, we have honor.” I shake him a little and assert, “You’re better than that. You are better than Saren.” 

Garrus’ eyes go wide, and something flashes through them that I think is anger for a second. Then he exhales so harshly that I feel his breath across my face. “You’re right, Shepard. OK.” I can see that he means it, so I release him, and Garrus sighs again, clearly not thrilled still, before looking back to Dr. Whatever-He’s-Calling-Himself. “You’re a very lucky Salarian. You owe the Commander your life.” 

“Come on, Doctor,” I breathe, stepping forward and ready to be done. “Let’s - “ 

“Shepard!” I realize at the same time that Garrus and Tali do that the Salarian has decided he’s not going down quietly. His hands and body glow with a blue I recognize from biotics before the energy force surges at me. 

Something happens very quickly, before I can prepare or anticipate it, and the next thing I know, I’m hitting the ground instead of flying through the air from a biotic blast without my shields up. It’s my Turian sniper that goes flying instead, shooting straight back out of the room and cracking against the metal hull of the ship with a sickening thud. 

Cold runs through my veins at the sight of Garrus slumping heavily to the floor, and then it’s instantly replaced with the hot roar of my own biotics surging to life. 

“Big mistake,” I snarl at the Salarian, jumping to my feet. He got in a good hit when we weren’t ready, but the doctor is definitely more scientist than soldier. It takes minimal effort for me to kill him with the power that runs through my body.

The shaking in my hands, sweating, and pounding heart have nothing to do with the effort from the short battle. All that matters at the moment is that Garrus is hurt, and the second Saleon is down I rush back to him. 

Tali is already in the hallway with him, doing her best to help the Turian that is three times her size sit up. I grab his other side and help, propping Garrus up against the wall that he dented with the force of his body. He groans and winces but seems conscious and leans against me when I move closer. 

“It knocked him out, Shepard,” Tali advises, using her Omni-Tool to scan him quickly. “But he woke up pretty quickly, and his stats are OK.” 

“Radio back to the ship, please, Tali. Let Chakwas know she’s going to need to examine him.” She confirms and stands, hurrying back to the shuttle to make the call and alert the Normandy. 

“I’m fine,” Garrus argues even while his head sways, and he has to blink multiple times to get his eyes open. It scares the hell out of me. 

I shift to kneel in front of him for a better look. “I’ll be the judge of that, big guy. Look at me.” I catch his face between my hands and pull him to make eye contact. For a moment, he looks hazed like he’s seeing double or he’s dizzy. I watch focus come back into sharp blue eyes. “Think you can walk back to the shuttle?” 

“No. Carry me.” I laugh and release his head to smack his shoulder lightly, relieved that he’s still with me enough to make jokes. Garrus lets me help him up, though I know he has to do most of the work so that I don’t end up squished on the floor underneath him. He’s three times bigger than me, too. 

He’s a little wobbly at first but then steadies himself and leans against me, his arm around my shoulders so that he can lean on me. I’m avoiding his waist but can’t miss how damn good he smells. The shuttle is already running, and Tali tells me that Joker has a local military police squad on the way while Chakwas is ready for Garrus. 

He argues again on the shuttle that he’s fine, but then stumbles when he has to stand back at the Normandy. “You hit a metal wall hard enough to dent it, and it knocked you out. You’re getting a medical examination, and that’s an order, Vakarian.” 

“Shepard, don’t try to distract me by getting me turned on,” he grumbles, rubbing his head absently with probably no clue how damn adorable he looks doing it. Tali giggles at his joke, trying to hide it, and stays close by while Garrus gets out of the shuttle. 

“What happened?” Ashley Williams asks, down here ostensibly to be by her station. I’m sure Garrus is not thrilled that she and Kaidan are seeing him even mildly injured. 

“Garrus dove in front of Shepard, took a biotic hit with his shield down to protect her,” Tali answers. 

I was there, I’m well aware of what happened, but until the Quarian says it that way I don’t realize that she’s right. Garrus is hurt because he took that hit for me - because he saved me from it. I’ve said before that I think Garrus would jump into the line of fire for me. Today he proved it. 

“Wow. Glad you were there tonight, Vakarian,” Kaidan mutters. 

I don’t have time to dissect his tone of voice because Garrus goddamn Vakarian got himself a concussion while trying to save my life, and I can barely breathe around the pounding of my heart. 

Garrus is steady on his feet now, but when he reaches up to rub the back of his head, I watch him grimace in pain and check his hand like he expects blood. “Come on,” I reach for him, slipping my arm around him again. He doesn’t hesitate to return it, holding my shoulder and leaning on me a little, while we walk to the elevator. 

“You know they can see us, right?” he mutters, referring to the crew. 

“I know,” I assure him. “I really just don’t care at all.” I can feel his gaze on me, but Garrus doesn’t comment on it before we get into the elevator. Inside, I choose not to release him. If he asks, I’ll say that I’m just afraid he’ll pass out. 

Of course, if he did pass out, I’d just fall down and get trapped under him. 

“Shepard. He died anyway.” I look up at him, Garrus’ expression serious and thoughtful. “What was the point of all that if he died anyway?”

“You can’t predict how people will act, Garrus,” I tell him, resting my head on his chest. The Turian’s arms come around me. I missed having him hold me, but I focus. “We can’t control anyone else. All we can control is how we respond to them. That’s what makes you who you are.” 

He’s quiet for a moment and then holds me tighter. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you, Elle.” 

“I could say the same to you, you know.” I incline my neck to look up at him. Before I can figure out what the hell to say to him, the doors open and release us into Mess Hall. 

“This really is unnecessary, Shepard,” he argues again when I pull him out with me. “I don’t need a doctor to tell me that I hit my head.” 

“I like to think I’m capable of more than that, Officer Vakarian.” He jumps at the sound of Chakwas’ voice, clearly not on his game if he didn’t notice her, and I can’t help but laugh at him. “I’ll take it from here, Commander.” 

I stumble a little when I realize that she’s dismissing me, even though I realize it’s the right thing to do. I don’t need or deserve to be present for Garrus’ examination. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Garrus asks, grabbing my arm as soon as I release him. Warmth blooms in my stomach. He doesn’t want me to leave him either. 

I catch that Chakwas is giving us a sideways glance, and I know how it’ll look if I stay. The Med Bay is in full view of Mess Hall, where everyone passes at some point. If I go in there with Garrus, it’ll start even more talk about us. And for the first time, maybe ever, I really don’t give a shit if people think I’m not being professional enough - or just not being enough in general. 

Garrus saved my life. 

“If you don’t mind, Dr. Chakwas...I’ll stay with him.”


	11. More

I hate doctor’s offices. I hate hospitals, too. A Med Bay is like both. I think anyone with a sick parent probably feels the same way; these places remind me of my mom sick and my sister crying. 

It’s especially terrible if I know there’s no Turian doctor around. The Med Clinic on the Citadel is staffed mostly by human and Asari women, and Huerta Memorial Hospital is harder to get into. When you know they’re aware of Turian erotic zones and they touch your waist for no reason...it’s hard to trust your doctor. 

Dr. Chakwas is absolutely nothing like those doctors. She actually asked where and how to touch my fringe without essentially assaulting me. And she listened. She even raised the temperature in the Med Bay when I took my armor off for an X-Ray. I answer her questions about the mission and get the feeling from the way she responds that this doctor is knowledgeable about tactical operations, too, so I can also respect her as a soldier in a way. 

She reminds me of my mom. It makes me glad to be on the Normandy and miss home all at once. 

Nothing makes me happier to be on the Normandy than Shepard. Having her here even makes being in the Med Bay seem better, since she chose to stay with me. She’s keeping a distance to be out of the way for Chakwas, but I can tell that she’s worried about me...and I like it. 

“Do I remember something about an allergy in your medical records, Garrus?” Chakwas asks, pulling me from distracting thoughts. I’m grateful she quit calling me Officer Vakarian, too. 

“Good memory, but it’s just an antibiotic. Not usually anything to worry about.”

“I’ll give you a mild painkiller for the headache then. You have a slight concussion but there’s no fracture on your carapace, and you’re very alert. So, you should be fine.” She places two small blue pills in my hand and then crosses her arms. “I do want you to be monitored overnight, though.” 

I balk at her. “You just said it’s only a slight concussion. Now you’re saying I have to say here?”

“Concussions are serious, even if they are mild, and especially for the first few hours,” she counters, using a patient but firm tone that I would appreciate if she wasn’t trapping me in a pseudo-hospital for an entire night. “You sleep in the Cargo Bay with no one but a Krogan around - and nothing wakes him. It’s unsafe.” 

“But, I - “ 

“What if he stays with me?”

Chakwas and I turn toward Shepard simultaneously, and I’m sure the doctor is just as surprised by the offer. It must show on our faces because the unshakeable Spectre gives a nervous laugh and runs a hand back over her hair; I guess she does that when she’s nervous, too. 

I don’t want to make her nervous, though. 

“Shepard, that’s a really nice offer, but it’s fine. I’ll get Wrex drunk and make him stay up with me.” Chakwas gives me the exact same look I think my mom might if she heard me say something that stupid. I would laugh if I didn’t think she’d smack me. 

“You cannot go drink, Garrus,” Shepard responds, her tone as dry as the doctor’s gaze. “I’m serious, you can stay in my quarters. With mission reports and whatever, I’ll be up for a while anyway.” I open my mouth with every intent to argue, but green eyes harden at me, and I shut it again quickly. “Does this work for you, Dr. Chakwas?”

“Of course, Commander,” she agrees. “Make sure that he stays awake for at least the next few hours and call me right away if he loses consciousness or starts vomiting. Garrus, you come back here in the morning for a recheck.” 

We both agree, and Shepard straightens away from where she’s been leaning on Chakwas’ desk while I take the pills. I get to my feet a little slower than usual, still unsure I’m not going to get dizzy again but even more unsure about going to Shepard’s quarters for the night. It breaks a bunch of my rules and considering I made her cry the other day…

“You comin’ big guy?”

Spirits damn me, I cannot say no to her.

I thank Chakwas for the examination - and for the painkillers - and then follow my Commander to her quarters. I catch her elbow just before she presses the button to unlock the door, guilt pushing me to get out of this. “Shepard, you don’t have to do this. If this is some weird thing where you feel like you owe me - “ 

“Wow, and here I was gonna blow you because you held a door open for me once,” she quips. 

My dick jumps to attention at even the sarcastic suggestion, and it comes with a surge of pain to the bruise on the back of my head. “Ouch,” I groan, reaching up to rub my fringe. “Don’t turn me on right now, it hurts.” 

Shepard barks out a laugh. “I wasn’t trying to turn you on, jerk. I’m saying that I’m not doing anything because I feel like I owe you. I’m grateful, obviously, but…” She trails off and then scowls at me. “For shit’s sake, Vakarian, get inside.” 

She smacks her hand down on the panel and the doors whoosh open, but I hold my ground.

“Yeah, you getting all flustered isn’t helping me feel better about this,” I admit. “What about in the morning when the whole crew sees me coming out of here? We both know what they’ll assume.” 

“What about if you hadn’t been there tonight because I was an idiot, and I’ve been keeping you at a distance?” she demands, throwing her hands up. “If that hit knocked you out with that hard-ass head of yours, it probably would have cracked my skull. So I don’t really care if the crew thinks we were bumping uglies all night. Screw them.” 

“Damn it, Shepard, didn’t I ask you not to turn me on?”

The joke works, and she throws her head back in a hard laugh even while trying to frown at me. I needed to break the tension, but it feels really good to hear her say that she wants me here - and not just on missions, but here with her right now. Shepard’s been lying to herself about the way she feels about me, and we both know it. But this feels like a pretty significant gesture. 

It feels worth the concussion, though I’m not going to tell her that. Or Chakwas. 

She smiles when I finally follow her direction and lead her inside. “I’m supposed to be watching you, but...we, uh, both need showers.” 

My throat all but closes when I think she might be inviting me into the shower with her; it’s already been proven tonight that I have no capacity to refuse her. And in this case, I really don’t want to even if I know I should. 

“It’s not an invite, big guy, calm down.” 

“You...calm down.” Her eyebrows shoot up, and I scowl. “Listen, I have a concussion. The witty part of my brain has been bruised.” 

“Oh, we both know your lack of wit has nothing to do with the concussion. Now get in the shower, so I know you’re steady on your feet before I get one.” 

It’s hard to argue, especially now that my headache is starting to spread down into my shoulders and neck. I regret putting my armor on again after the x-ray; it feels like it weighs about ten tons, and I don’t know that my boots have ever been quite this heavy. 

“Mind if I take my armor off out here?”

“Go for it.” 

Shepard motions toward one of the chairs, and I take it gratefully, immediately going for the latches on my armor to relieve some of the pressure. I pile it neatly beside the chair along with my boots and hope I don’t look as exhausted as I feel in front of her. Fortunately, she stays by the desk and doesn’t watch me, so I also unzip the top half of my BDUs and push them down to hips, leaving me naked from the waist up. 

Of course, that’s also how Shepard catches me when she turns around as I stand up. I hate that damn flush that comes to her cheeks when she scans me as much as I love it. Instead of backing myself into a corner by saying or doing something stupid, I turn around and head right for the shower...which is not much better considering it leaves just a door separating us while I’m naked. 

There are about a million things I could do to prove to Shepard how she feels about me. I know dozens of ways to break down those walls of hers and have her ready to beg for me. Hell, I’ve done that with other lovers just for fun. I don’t know why it’s different with Shepard, but I don’t want to have to fight to make her realize she loves me. I want her to get there on her own and, more importantly, I don’t want her to be ashamed of me. 

If she’s ever going to think of me as more than her sniper or her fuck buddy, I can’t just be physical. No matter how badly I want to ask for help that I don’t need just to get her in here with me. I want more with her. I have to be more for her. 

I remember Lorik teasing me the night that we were together about being in love for the first time, and it makes me smile now. I feel like a child, lovestruck and pathetic. My father as waited almost thirty years for me to feel this way and now...there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Not until Shepard figures out what she wants from both of us. 

Well, except keep Kaidan Alenko the hell away from her. That much I can do. 

I get through my shower quickly and wrap a towel around my waist before stepping out of the bathroom. I’m confused when I realize that I’m alone until Shepard comes back in. “I went downstairs to grab something for you to sleep in,” she explains, holding up a pair of my shorts and a t-shirt. “I made Joker come downstairs to go through your stuff for me., though I felt weird doing it.”

“Really?” I laugh. “I’ve been a hell of a lot more intimate with you than I have with Joker.” 

“Well, shit, I should hope so!” She throws my clothes at me with a laugh and then excuses herself before going into the bathroom for her own shower. 

An ache starts lower in my core immediately when I think about her naked in there, right here where all I’d have to do is walk through the door. I busy myself with getting dressed and get as far from the bathroom door as I can manage. It doesn’t work, not even a little. 

Spirits, just the thought of that woman naked is painful. She’s the single most beautiful person I’ve ever known, and she only gets sexier every time I see her on a mission. Tonight it wasn’t even Shepard in action that got me hot, but that she taught me something. I’ve never had a Commander make me want to stop and think beyond the immediate consequences of a moment or decision. 

If I’d shot Saleon tonight instead of letting justice run its course, I’d be no better than Saren has become. Or maybe no better than Saren always was, it’s hard to remember. 

In any case...Shepard thinks I’m better than that. And I will be, for her. 

“You OK, big guy?” I startle a little at Shepard’s voice, surprised I didn’t hear her come out. One look, and I startle again. 

She must have changed in the bathroom, probably thinking that she was doing the nice thing by not torturing me with a towel. I wonder if she realizes just how perfect she looks in loose shorts and a fitted tank top. When did I start to find cleavage so arousing? 

“OK, now you’re freaking me out. Garrus, are you alright?” 

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I just…” I consider censoring myself, but can’t help it. Besides, she deserves to know. “You look amazing like that. It’s kind of a nice distraction from the head pounding.” 

Shepard looks down at her herself and then gives me a skeptical gaze. “You really need higher standards.” 

That makes me laugh. “Yeah, first human Spectre, N7 soldier, best person I’ve ever known. I’m really shooting low here.” Shepard just rolls her eyes at that, but I see her cheeks flush pink again and know that she appreciates it. “So.” I sit back in the chair and try not to stare. “You have a plan for keeping me awake for a couple hours?”

“I have many plans for you, but now doesn’t seem like the right time.” Shepard throws me a wink, and I have to clench my hands around the arms of the chair to stifle a growl. Her little giggle when she folds her legs under her in the other chair is just mean. 

“You know exactly what you’re doing, don’t you?”

“No idea what you’re talking about. Wanna watch a movie?” I laugh and agree, hoping that some explosions will distract me from the pounding in my head and the bare legs a few feet away. 

It’s going to take some seriously epic explosions.

*****

“It’s really a romance when you think about it,” I muse to Garrus, munching on the popcorn we chose as a snack after the first movie. 

“A romance for who? That guy and his rifle?” Garrus quips in response. His words are a little muffled because his head has been resting more and more heavily on his hand over the last half hour. I’m only talking now to keep him awake for as long as I can. 

“Please! Don’t act like you wouldn’t marry your rifle if you could get away with it.” 

Garrus chuckles. “She’s warm and never mean to me. You’re not invited to the wedding.” 

“I’m devastated. Hey, do Turians really have weddings?”

“Mhm. Whole big party thing.” 

It makes me smile that he’s starting to slur his words now, my always on point sniper absolutely wiped out from a concussion and painkillers. It’s been at least three hours, so I decide to take pity on him and put the bowl of popcorn on the table when I stand. 

“Where are you going?” he asks, finally lifting his head. 

I open my mouth to speak, but my words get stuck at the sight of him. His muscular build is even more evident in loose, casual wear. But it’s the adorable, sleepy look that gets my attention. “It’s unfair that you only get more attractive as the night goes on, Garrus. And I’m taking you to bed. Come on.” 

“Shepard.” Garrus straightens when I reach for him, suddenly much more awake. “I’m not sleeping in your bed. I’m fine right here - I can sleep anywhere.” 

“So can I, but you were hurt, so you’re taking the bed,” I argue, taking his hand to try and tug him from the chair. We both know I can’t lift him, but the effort is worth it. 

Garrus shakes his head and doesn’t budge. “I’m not putting you out of your bed, Elle.” 

We realize at the same time that he said my first name and blue eyes snap up to meet mine, wide and cautious. If only he knew that I love the sound of my name in his voice. I also love knowing that it’s still his natural inclination, doing something as intimate as calling me something no one else can. 

It softens me, so I change tactics and flip my wrist to tangle my fingers with his like I’ve wanted to all night. I also go for something else I’ve wanted all night, throwing caution and professionalism to the wind. “Then...let’s share it. Don’t look at me like that - no funny business. Just sleep. We need it.” 

I hate the anxiety that sinks into my stomach when I wait for his answer, fearful he may reject me. 

Whether he can see that on my face or not, Garrus stands and keeps a hold on my hand. “OK.” 

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look so...unmoored. It’s adorable and kind of funny, but I don’t want to make things worse for him right now. I squeeze his hand and pull him toward my bed. 

“Are you gonna be able to get comfortable here? It’s different than a Turian bed.” Garrus’ bed worked fine for me, but I remember that the mattress at his apartment dipped low before the head to accommodate his carapace. His sheets also felt different and must have been made out of something firmer than cotton since his leg spurs didn’t rip right through them. 

“I’ll make it work. Hey, wait. Come here.” Garrus catches me off guard with a tug on my hand, pulling me backward so that I stumble into his chest. I can barely breathe when his hand comes up to tuck a hair behind my hair. He lingers with his fingers on my ear lobe, and I can’t help leaning into the touch. “You scared me tonight, kid. I saw that damn Salarian ready to hit you and…” 

He trails off like even the words are painful. I know how he feels. 

“I scared you?! That damn Salarian did hit you! When I saw you down and thought about you being seriously hurt, I…” 

I can’t finish the sentence either, pain choking me. 

“Yeah, I know.” His hand slips around to the back of my neck, and he holds tightly, his hand so big that his thumb can trace my throat. It should probably scare me to have a talon on my neck, but fear doesn’t even begin to strike me. I trust Garrus with my life. “I’d never let anything happen to you, Shepard. I couldn’t lose you. Even just the distance we’ve had...I really miss you.” 

My heart leaps into my throat, and I press into him, my hands on his cheek. “I miss you. Garrus…” 

I have to swallow hard around the lump in my throat that always seems to form when I think about opening up. He’s worth it. 

“I haven’t had a home in a really long time. But when I’m here…” I slide my hands up to his shoulders, and I hold onto him. “I remember how home felt. You feel like home, and it makes me just as scared to lose you as it makes me…” 

The last of it dies on my tongue, not enough bravado left to finish and tell him how I really feel. 

Garrus just whispers my name and closes his eyes like he’s in pain or overwhelmed or both. 

“Come to bed with me,” I manage, this time much more a request than an order due to his injury. He agrees much faster this time, too, and parts from me only so that we can both climb in. I roll to my side, facing him, and watch Garrus arrange himself. He folds one of my pillows in half so that he can lay comfortably facing me as well. 

Something about this simple thing, knowing that he can use my bed, makes me much happier than I think could be considered normal. 

Our hands meet between us, and Garrus lets me tangle my fingers with his, just watching me. 

It occurs to me that he’s going to see me sleeping, and not when I’ve been drinking or passed out from exhaustion. There are things he’s going to learn about me; my stomach knots with anxiety. “Garrus?” He makes a soft noise, and I don’t look away from impossibly blue eyes when I speak. I let them ground me. “I have...nightmares. Mindoir and Akuze. The vision from the beacon, too.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me the beacon gave you nightmares?” he asks, raising his other hand to brush the hair back from my face and frowning at me. I can see that it’s concern, not that he’s scolding me. 

“What would you have done?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. He shifts closer, using the hand in my hair to drag his talons gently over my scalp, the sensation drawing my eyes closed and my walls down. “But I’m glad I’m here now.” 

“Me, too.” He flashes a smile, and I can’t help but return it. Watching him close his eyes is relaxing as all hell...except for the information still flashing over his visor. “Garrus?” 

He makes another soft noise, this time without opening his eyes. 

“I know that you fuck with it on...but please tell me that you don’t actually sleep wearing your visor. That’s just new level workaholic.” 

“I forget it about it all the time,” he admits with a chuckle and a slight shrug. His hand leaves my hair only to fall down to my hip. “So, yeah, I honestly sleep with it on more often than not.” 

“Not with me, big guy.” I reach behind his head to undo the clip and release the metal band before easing it out from under his fringe, careful not to bump the bruised spikes. I lean over him to put it on the table on his side, pushing Garrus onto his back so that I can reach. 

“Damn, Shepard,” he growls, hand shifting up from my hip to my waist. I look down at him to find that I inadvertently put my breasts right in his face, and the tank top isn’t doing a lot to conceal what Garrus is noticing in a visceral way. “You can take the visor off me any time you want.” 

“Pig,” I laugh, dropping the visor and shifting back to lay down again. 

“No idea what that is, but don’t take them away,” he whines playfully, though he doesn’t stop me from moving. I just laugh at him and fall back to the bed beside him. We’re closer now, his hand low on my back, and I reach up to hold his neck. 

He’s so warm, it’s like curling up with my personal space heater. Even though I know he’s covered in hard plates, his body feels soft and comfortable to me. There’s something about his arms that feels like the perfect fit. 

Usually, I toss and turn for hours at night before I can finally fall asleep, but I feel myself drifting quickly with Garrus wrapped around me. He falls asleep almost instantly, and soft snores that sound almost like a purr lull me under. 

The nightmares never come. When I start to stir, I can feel that it’s been hours, but there’s no sweating from the images of Reaper attacks, no gasping for air, or fear that I’ll find the bars of a cage around me when I wake. At first, I don’t know what woke me up, but then Garrus shifts again; I’m so used to sleeping alone that another body moving must have disturbed me...though I find that I really don’t mind. 

He’s fallen back asleep, but I can’t help touching him, running my hand lightly down his chest. I turned out the lights just before falling asleep, so I can’t really see him, but I can feel his plates shifting just slightly with deep breaths, and I like the way the movement feels under my hand. I avoid his waist because that feels too much like assaulting him while he sleeps and move back up to his shoulder instead, lightly squeezing the muscles I can feel under the plates. 

He feels good everywhere, and I press closer, needing more...a hell of a lot more. 

I let my legs tangle with his and Garrus’ hand tightens in the shirt at my back, though his breathing only shifts a tiny bit. A soft moan escapes him, and he tugs me closer so that I’m pressed into him, an erection hot and heavy between us. My breath escapes me in a rush, and the gasp wakes Garrus with a jump. 

I shush him gently, moving my hand to the back of his neck for slow and soothing strokes. 

“Shepard,” he whispers, tightening his arm around me and pressing his palm flat against my spine. Just that touch charges me instantly when I’ve been without it far too long. Beyond trying to resist, I pull myself closer by his neck, close enough now that I could kiss him. 

Damn, I want to kiss him. 

Garrus’ breath gusts over my mouth, and I nearly melt, a whimper escaping me. He groans, and I feel talons scrape hard down my back before his hand cups my ass, squeezing and pulling my hips against his. I half expected him to push me away or at least to slow us down, so I’m nearly floored by a rush of adrenaline when I realize that he’s not, that he wants me right now. 

The evidence of exactly what he wants is impossible to ignore, searing hot even inside his shorts and throbbing against my stomach. Something inside me snaps, and any inhibition or worry I might have felt dissolves into a hot, pounding need.

I press my mouth to the soft skin on his throat and let my tongue trail slowly. This time he whimpers, and it only encourages me, so I keep kissing him. His skin tastes incredible, and the feel of both his hands traveling my back and over my ass, now slipping under my shirt, gets my core aching. When I let my teeth scrape his throat, Garrus shoves his hand into my shorts and pulls me closer so that his cock rubs exactly where I need him to relieve the ache. 

My head swims, an overload of sensations I love and emotions I kind of hate hitting me all at once. 

Garrus’ free hand shifts and fists in my hair, tugging hard and sharp to pull my lips from his neck and expose my throat. He growls when he dives in with sharp teeth and a wicked tongue, sending a hot shudder down my spine. 

I love when he reminds me how dangerous he can be, that he could rip my throat out or break me so easily. He can take me right to the brink of fear and leave me desperate for more. 

Licking and nipping my throat, rocking his hips against me, his talons digging ever so slightly into my ass, Garrus drives me wild. A slave to sensation, my hips grind against him, and he groans. He gives it right back, circling slowly so that I can feel the heat of his cock pressing into my clit, displaying absolute mastery of the map that is my body. 

Garrus swallows my moan, finally kissing me. His tongue slips into my mouth, and he licks slowly, almost leisurely. It’s short-lived only because we’re both panting, and Garrus presses his forehead against mine while guiding my leg around his waist for a better angle. I move for his mouth again, but all of a sudden, Garrus jerks away and mutters, “Shit. Sorry.” 

“What? Why? What happened?” He’s holding my shoulders back now, and he moves away, so I’m kept at a distance, missing his heat and panting pathetically. 

“I...Spirits, it’s worse that you don’t even know,” he mutters. In the dim light remaining from where his visor rests on the nightstand, I can tell that he looks almost ashamed. “That, uh, it means something to us. To Turians. The...the forehead bump, I mean.”

It takes a moment for me to register what he’s talking about since I was pretty distracted by other things bumping. “Oh. Well...what does it mean?”

“A lot,” he answers, simply and vaguely. When I wait for me, he sighs and confesses, “It’s something you do with family or…” 

“Lovers?”

“No. Not unless they’re more than just a lover.” He’s not looking at me anymore, but he’s definitely still holding me back from him. I don’t like that. When I move to wiggle closer, Garrus doesn’t resist me and almost seems relieved when his arms come back around me - warm and safe and strong.

I shift in the wrong way, and my knee meets his quad, bringing a soft, pained groan, and a laugh escapes me. “Sorry, big guy. And...little guy.” 

“Whoa, excuse you, Elle Shepard. That is not a little guy.” 

“I mean, it’s little compared to the rest of you.” 

“Shepard, ouch!” he exclaims. I get a poke in the side as punishment for the teasing, and it makes the laughter I can’t control even worse. “You can’t wound my pride when it’s hard and wanting.” 

“Wanting, hmm?” He tenses, and I know that he wasn’t thinking with the same head he’s using now when he said that. I pull away from him a little, feeling that cold rock of anxiety and fear of rejection I hate so much sinking into my gut. “Maybe not so much.” 

Garrus frowns and pulls me closer again, my chest pressing into his. “Don’t do that. We both know how badly I want you. The little guy makes it clear.” I laugh again at that, and he manages a smile, though it’s kind of sad. “I get carried away with you, Shepard.” 

I remember the forehead bump and grow warm when I think that he instinctively does something with me that he’d do with a partner, with a girlfriend, with…

With all the things that I can’t be for him.

“And we agreed not to, so…” I take a deep breath, trying to calm some of the ache inside me. For once, I wish he wasn’t here so I could at least take care of myself. “I’m sorry, Garrus, I shouldn’t have started that. Do you want me to roll over or something?”

“Oh, Spirits, more than you know,” he growls, his hands slipping up to my waist again. I can feel his eyes drop to my chest, and his hands continue up, nearly brushing them. The way that he’s looking at me is enough to make my mouth water, and the limited control I do have is threatening to snap.

“Don’t look at me like that, Garrus. I can’t say no to you.” 

His growl only deepens, and I can feel him edge closer, my throat going totally dry when I catch the hungry look on his face. “Remind me why I need to say no?”

“I, uh…” I genuinely have to wrack my brain when my whole body, every cell in my being, is craving him. It doesn’t help that I can barely breathe under his hot gaze; he’s looking at me like he wants to devour me...and I’m going to remind him why not? “You want more with me. And I…” 

The words fail me. Not because of my arousal. Not because of his stare. Because...because…

Garrus notices, and his eyes snap to mine, sparkling in the dark. “Say it,” he breathes, his voice low and the words clearly an order. Both his hands move to my neck, his thumbs tilting my head back so that I look up at him - so that I’m in a submissive pose. “Tell me that you don’t want more, Shepard.” 

Now the growl has changed into something softer, something less frustrated and more intended to drive me crazy. 

He leans down and rubs his nose against mine, my lungs forgetting how to do their job. “Tell me you don’t want to be mine.” 

My mouth opens, and nothing comes out. Just like before, the words fail. Because I don’t want to say them. Because they’re not true.

“I can’t,” I admit, my voice barely loud enough for me to hear it. “I can’t.” 

“I know.” 

Garrus doesn’t make me say anymore, instead meeting my mouth with bruising passion and tightening his hands around my throat just enough to make me grab onto him for dear life. It ends far too quickly, and I’m left reeling when he pulls away. 

“What...why?” 

He loosens his grip and then wraps one arm around me, carding the fingers of his other hand back through my hair. “Because I do want more with you,” he answers, his voice and growl both soft now. “And I’ve never shared a bed with someone I hadn’t just fucked. Just being here, falling asleep with you...that’s more, for me.” 

“Garrus.” He’s taken my breath away all over again. 

“Besides, you called my dick little, and now I really don’t want you to see it.” 

A laugh explodes from me, and I smack his shoulder playfully, my hand lingering after the smack. He catches it and brings my fingers to his mouth, nipping the pad of my middle finger lightly. The feeling of rejection never comes; he’s not rejecting me, he’s...going for more.

And for once, I love more. 

I snuggle in when he hugs me and rest my head on his chest. His mouth presses to the top of my head, and his fingers graze my back lightly. “Sleep,” he orders, his voice soft. 

I fall asleep before him this time, slipping into a deep level of comfort that I almost never find without a lot of liquor. Or sex with Garrus. Or maybe just Garrus in general since tonight I drift off with nothing to alter my consciousness and still find peace. 

The only time I stir is when I roll over in my sleep. Garrus cuddles up behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist and tucking his other arm under my pillow. He’s so much bigger than me that it totally cocoons me in warmth. I’ve never been so comfortable in my life. I fall right back to sleep. 

I wake up in the same position, Garrus curled around me from behind, but this time it’s not quite as pleasant. I have to blink a few times to figure out what the buzzing sound is until I realize Joker is pinging my Omni-Tool. 

“What?” I demand, my voice scratchy. “And why the hell aren’t you using the comms?”

“Well, because I know you didn’t go to bed alone last night, and I was trying to be considerate.” Just as he says it, the body behind me starts to move. It’s even harder than usual to focus on Joker when Garrus is sliding his hand under my shirt, and his morning wood is poking at my back. 

“Who knew that was universal?” I mutter, unable to keep a giggle out of my voice. It fades quickly when Garrus’ hold turns into a grip, and he pulls me closer, burying his face into the back of my neck. “Are you OK?” I ask him over my shoulder. 

“Hurts,” Garrus groans, almost a growl but not of a hot variety. 

Joker doesn’t give me a chance to worry about him or figure out what’s wrong. “Shepard, you have the Council waiting for you. Garrus, Chakwas wants to know when you’re coming down for your check-up.” 

“Damn it. They’re unpleasant enough without me making them wait.” I sit up and turn slowly, Garrus immediately burrowing himself under the blankets. “Joker, please tell the Council I’ll be with them in a moment and then transfer them to the Comm Room. Then ask Chakwas to come up here and check on Garrus, I don’t think he should get up just yet.”

“Yeah, you got it, Commander. No problem.” I know he can read my anxiety when he uses my title. 

When he clicks off, I kneel on the bed and pull the blankets up so that I can look under them to see Garrus’ face. “What’s going on, big guy?”

“Hurts,” he repeats. “My whole body. My head...so bad.” 

“Chakwas is coming up, she’ll probably bring something for the pain. You stay here and rest today.” 

That gets him moving, though he doesn’t go far; he barely sits up at all before he wavers and then collapses back onto the pillows with a groan. “We have...missions,” he manages. He’s talking almost like he’s dealing with a hangover, and I even think he might be pale. 

“We have small things, Garrus. You hit a steel wall hard enough dent it - you’re off duty for a day.” I lean forward before he can argue and shut him up with a kiss to his forehead. This time the sound he makes is a happy little one. “You get to spend the day in my bed. Don’t complain too much.” 

I have to leave him there, and I yank on my casuals as quickly as possible. Chakwas passes me in the hallway, and I brief her on the groaning Turian in my bed before darting to the Comm Room. “Joker, patch them in - voice only!” 

Part of me wants to see the three of them have to react to my bed head and sweats, but today doesn’t seem like the best day for it. 

The Councilors don’t seem to care much that I’ve chosen just to answer their call by voice, but they tell me about a group of spies - an infiltration team, I guess that’s the professional word - that has been trying to track Saren, too. The message they got had no information, but it came from a planet called Virmire and on a mission-critical channel. They make it sound like I have a choice to check it out, and they aren’t really ordering me, but we all know that if there’s a possibility something happened to the spies involving Saren, I have to go figure it out. 

I end the call and take a breath. Virmire will take us at least a week to reach, and I want to follow up on a really weird message from Admiral Kahoku to won’t delay us too much, but will give Garrus some time to recover. I’m going to want Garrus for a mission like Virmire. It’s with that in mind that I give Joker our first coordinates for the day and head back to my quarters. 

Chakways has Garrus sitting up in bed and is shining a light in his eyes. 

“What’s the verdict, doc?” 

“All is normal, Commander, nothing to worry about. Pain after an injury like that is to be expected; he needs rest, and I’ve already given him some analgesics.” 

Garrus shifts away from the penlight the moment the doctor releases him and slumps back onto his side on my bed, only to moan in pain from the rapid movement. I’ve never seen him complain about anything, so it’s quite a shock and has me really concerned about his pain levels. 

Chakwas much see the concern on my face because she holds my shoulder when she approaches, speaking softer now. “He’s OK. It was a hard hit, and Turian bodies aren’t as hard as they seem. Knowing Garrus, I imagine he’ll be fine and itching for a fight by dinner.” 

I laugh and can’t imagine she’s wrong. By tonight, he’ll be mad that I left him behind for our missions today. “Thank you, Dr. Chakwas.” I find gray eyes, so she knows I mean it. “We’re really grateful to have you on board.” 

“Well...just doing my job.” I don’t push since I can tell she doesn’t want to get emotional, but I offer a smile when she squeezes my shoulder and then leaves. 

Garrus is still and quiet, so I leave him alone for now and get dressed, suiting up in my armor and grabbing my helmet. After tying my boots, I sit in front of him on the side of the bed. One blue eye peeks open at me, and Garrus extends his hand, reaching for me. “Don’t like you going without me,” he mutters, his words slurred from the drugs. 

“I know. I’m bringing your Krogan buddy all day today. He’ll keep me safe.” 

“I could take him.” I laugh, pretty sure the Turian isn’t entirely aware of what he’s saying at this point. “Don’t...don’t take Alenko. He kisses you.” 

Now I’m certain he doesn’t know what he’s saying, because he’d never be that vulnerable with me about Kaidan if he were coherent. It still threatens to break my heart. 

“I won’t take Alenko,” I promise. “And I won’t kiss him.” That’s a promise, too.

Garrus nods just a little, and then his body goes slack all at once, the pain medicine pulling him under. It’s tempting just to watch him sleep for a while, peace washing over him already, but I have things to do today. And the day without him will pass faster if I keep busy. 

I press my forehead to his gently, not daring to disturb him, and then kiss his forehead too before pulling away. If only I could manage to show him that much of how I feel when he’s awake and will remember it, most of my problems would go away. 

I grab my helmet and head for the door. The problems of the galaxy seem far easier to deal with. 

*****

I wake up reaching for Shepard. 

She fits more perfectly in my arms than I ever could have imagined. I’ve never slept as well I did after she rolled over and let me pull her against me. That ass of hers sat just right in the cradle of my hips, her body was perfectly warm and soft. Lately, my sleep has been poor, but with Shepard, it was deep and solid. 

I loved falling asleep with the smell of her hair in my face and the steady thump of her heart filling the room like a calm ambiance. 

The annoying beep of her Omni-Tool greeted me first, but it took seconds before I was wracked with pain. My whole body hurt so badly it was hard to think or breathe this morning. I vaguely remember Shepard leaving, and Chakwas coming in to give me medicine. And then I passed out hard. 

When I wake up, I’m aware enough to know that this is Shepard’s bed and so I reach for her...but I’m alone now. I check the time, and since it’s only mid-day, I assume they’re still on missions. At least after another six or so hours of sleep, I’m not in pain anymore. It probably helps that I did that sleeping in a much more comfortable bed than the one I’ve gotten used to.

A hot shower is calling to me to get rid of the remaining stiffness in my neck and shoulders, and I don’t resist the call. It’s not until after getting out that I find someone left a set of my casual wear up here for me, which I change into gratefully. My stomach is rumbling by the time I’m dressed, so I head into the Mess Hall. 

There are enough rations and snacks that I can make do, excusing the bad choices because I’m still supposed to be recovering from an injury. I also assume that I can because no one else is here to witness it until I hear the elevator arrive, and Ashley Williams steps out. 

She nearly hesitates and probably considers just going back downstairs when she realizes I’m the only other person in the room. I turn back to my meal, and Ashley heads for the kitchen. I try to ignore her when I realize she’s stopped at the end of the table, especially since she’s just staring at the elevator, and I can’t begin to know what she’s thinking about. 

When Ashley turns back to face me, I can’t ignore my honor and ingrained need to respect other soldiers, so I look up at her. I can at least offer my attention. “Hey,” she says, like greeting me is normal. 

“Hey.” 

Ashley nods absently like she’s trying to convince herself of something. “Joker said that you weren’t on the mission today because you were really hurting from last night. You...doing OK now?” 

“Uh...yeah. Yeah, I feel better. Thanks.” I know I sound awkward, but the question was a total shock. Since when does she care how I’m doing?

“What you did for Shepard last night...I don’t know a lot of people who would sacrifice themselves like that.” She shakes her head; her hair doesn’t move at all when she does that, unlike Shepard’s hair that always seems to be trying to escape. “It’s pretty amazing. We’re all amazed. And grateful.” 

I shrug and then try not to wince from the lingering pain in my shoulders. “I didn’t do anything except act on instinct.” The instinct to protect the woman I’m crazy about. 

“Yeah, well. Damn good instincts, Vakarian. I’m really glad you were there.” 

“OK. Well...thank you.” Awkward, again, but I need Ashley to stop surprising me. I wonder if I’m just hallucinating, and this is a symptom of the concussion. If I’m still sleeping, I really hope this dream turns into the usual ones I have about Shepard...though I need Ashley to get far, far away. 

Ashley lifts her hands, showing me a bottle of inter-species ale and a glass. “It’s Armistice Day,” she announces as if it explains everything. At my blank stare, Ashley explains, “The end of the First Contact War. We - my family - have always marked it with a drink.” 

“Ah, right. There were always a lot of protestors on the Citadel for Armistice Day,” I tell her. “They do a lot of screaming that the Alliance is going soft on Turians, and need to get independent from aliens. Is that what you’re here to do, Williams?”

“No. It’s really not.” She says it intently like she really needs me to believe her. “I actually...I wanted to see if you wanted to have that drink with me. I mean...the war ended for both of our species today so.” She shrugs and looks away, the first time I’ve ever seen her avoid eye contact. 

There’s a petty piece of me that wants to tell her to go away, or worse, just because I can. I mean, it can’t be often that Ashley Williams lets herself get into a vulnerable position. Even if I didn’t know I’d only feel crappy about it after, I couldn’t behave that way because it would disappoint Shepard immensely. It’s important to her that we’re all a team. I have to do my part in that. 

“I think Chakwas might actually spank me if I drank so soon after a concussion, but...you’re welcome to sit with me.” I motion to the chair across the table from me. “I’ll have to toast with tisane.” 

“We’ll take a raincheck on the ale then,” she agrees, slipping into the chair and surprising me again, even if it was her idea. 

We’re both tense at first, trying to figure out what we can even talk about and since we’ve never spoken when it wasn’t tactical or to be mean to each other. It eventually starts to feel something closer to normal, though, when we find common ground on guns and ammo and killing Geth. She’s not as bad to talk to as I feared, and we even get a few laughs out of the whole thing. 

I can’t imagine we’re ever going to be best friends or spend hours on end talking about anything, but it feels good to know that we can at least talk without it being an argument. 

After we eat, I have to go back to Shepard’s quarters for my armor, and Ashley doesn’t make any nasty comments or faces about it, which I also appreciate. Maybe it’ll keep Shepard from freaking out any further about whatever the hell it is that we have going on - especially after last night - if she learns that even Ashley Williams can manage to be OK with us spending time together. 

“Thanks for sharing that drink with me, Vakarian,” she offers before climbing into the elevator again. “Here’s to no more wars between us - our people, or the two of us. Yeah?” 

“I would be more than happy to drink to that.” She gives me a genuine smile and then disappears, ending what was the most unexpected lunch of my life. 

Maybe it’s knowing that I managed to create peace with Ashley that is giving me courage, but I decide to wait for Shepard to get back from the missions in her quarters instead of collecting my armor and leaving. I’m exhausted, much more than I should be considering I slept all day, and the headache is coming back, so I’ll use my pain as an excuse if I need it. 

I decide to take the remaining pills that Chakwas left for me to chase away the bit of my headache that’s threatening to come back and rest on Shepard’s bed, sitting against the headboard. I don’t know when I fall asleep, and it washes over me far too quickly to resist. 

I wake up a little disoriented and don’t have to reach for Shepard this time, because she’s right in front of me. Her smile is enough to take my breath away; hell of a way to wake up. 

“Hey, big guy,” she murmurs, her voice soft and kind. “How ya feeling?” 

“Better now,” I admit. I don’t know how I ended up lying down on her bed again, but I take advantage of it and tug Shepard down onto the mattress quickly. 

She lets out an amazing little giggle that sends my heart leaping right into my throat. “Garrus! I have my armor on still.” 

“I can help with that.” I let her smack my hands away playfully and then prop myself up onto my elbows when she stands and starts removing her armor. “How’d it go today?”

“We ended up getting some family armor back for Wrex, that was kind of a cool thing. I’ve never really seen him get emotional or sentimental before,” she recalls with a smile. It fades pretty quickly. “That Cerberus group we followed up on for Admiral Kahoku? We found their base. Rachni, baby Rachni, and creepers from the Thorian.”

“The mind control plant on Feros?” 

“Yeah. I’ll never know how they got those, not sure I want to. Plus...Kahoku is dead.” 

“What? What happened?”

“Not totally sure, the Alliance recovered the body. It was in a tank with a Rachni, but he wasn’t wrecked. Needle marks, though? The whole thing was horrible.” She shudders and, since she’s out of her armor, I pat her mattress in front of me as an invitation. It gets her to smile again, and she climbs in, moving much closer to me than she actually has to just to fit on the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” I recount my lunch to her, and Shepard seems every bit as surprised as I was. 

“I’m really proud of you.” Her hand rests gently on my chest, and her emerald eyes sparkle at me. 

“If I’m being honest, part of the reason I agreed to it was to make you proud of me.” I shrug one shoulder and cover my hand with hers, our fingers tangling easily. “That or the concussion is worse than we thought, and my personality has been altered.” 

Shepard laughs hard and free. I want nothing more than to kiss her, especially right now, when all of this feels so...domestic. It’s not something I ever thought I’d want; after a day of work at C-Sec, I either enjoyed the peace at my apartment or brought someone home from a club. Or both. But the idea of debriefing with Shepard at the end of the day makes me happier than just about any other dream I’ve ever had. 

I’m just preparing to talk myself out of kissing her when she looks at me again and instantly derails all my thoughts and plans. 

I’m entirely powerless to resist this woman. 

If I don’t get out of here right now, I’m going to end up kissing her and much more, breaking all of my promises last night. I want more with Shepard, and I finally got her to admit that she does want more with me. I can’t screw up the path we’re on now, the long game is too important. 

“I, uh...I really am feeling better. Which means I should probably get back to my own bed.” I roll away before she can argue or question it and climb out on the other side. 

I can see her start to argue, but then she takes a breath, sitting up. “Yeah, I know. Busy day so I have a lot of mission reports to file. Probably the responsible thing not to let you distract me.” 

“Commander! Really weird call - I think you should take it right away,” Joker announces over the comms. “I can redirect it in there.” 

“Go ahead, Joker,” Shepard answers right away, standing even though the person on the line won’t see her to care if she’s in bed. She doesn’t give thought to accepting the call, whoever it may be from, with me in the room. She doesn’t let me give thought to it either, holding up a hand to ask me to stay. 

Her faith and trust in me are worth more than any romp on her mattress. 

I nod to let her know I’m not leaving and cross my arms, waiting for this really weird call to come through. It occurs to me that Joker might be pranking us with a sex call or something until a very serious sounding man comes over the speaker. 

“Greetings, Commander Shepard. I represent a party interested in obtaining information on Cerberus activities.” I can see Shepard perk up immediately at that. The human-first group that Kahoku referred to as terrorists has gained a lot of attention, it seems. 

Shepard is all business right away, of course. “Who are you? And who exactly do you represent?” 

“Who I am is inconsequential. Suffice it to say I am an agent for the Shadow Broker.” And now my interest is piqued, too. “You see, Admiral Kahoku contacted my employer looking for information on the location of any Cerberus facilities. We provided that information on the promise that he would turn over copies of all files gathered from the Cerberus systems to us.” 

The moment I heard the Shadow Broker was involved, I assumed it would be some kind of backdoor deal. We saw a lot of this on the Citadel. It tells me just how desperate for information and revenge Kahoku must have been if he went this route. 

Shepard’s arms cross over her chest, and she sinks back into one hip. Her face is calm, but her gaze is hard. Commander mask, on. “Did you have anything to do with Admiral Kahoku ending up dead?”

“We had no reason to harm him,” the agent responds. The tone of his voice makes me inclined to believe him, and Shepard glances toward me, looking for an opinion on just that. I nod, and she returns it, deciding to trust me again. “He was going to provide us with information about Cerberus. Information that is now in your possession.” 

It’s not hard to see where he’s going with this, and I can already tell that Shepard does not like it. She really has never struck me as the kind to be a fan of treason, so I’m not surprised. I am eager to see how she shuts the agent down, though. Eager and already a little turned on in anticipation. 

“These are classified Alliance files,” Shepard informs him, her voice betraying that she’s insulted someone would even ask this of her. “I am not handing them over to you.” 

“Be reasonable, Commander. Cerberus was operating outside Alliance jurisdiction; you don’t owe them any loyalty. The Alliance is just going to file this information away in some archive. And no secret stays hidden forever. Eventually, someone somewhere will deliver it into our hands. It might as well be you. Transmit the files to us, and you will be well compensated.” 

I watch Shepard’s face, curious now. In my heart, I know what she’ll do. Shepard always does the right thing. But I wonder if she’s even considering it, knowing that the Shadow Broker might be more equipped to get justice for Kahoku than the Alliance with all their red tape. The money won’t matter to her; they missed the mark with that offer. But justice…

She never even flinches. 

“My loyalty is to the Alliance. Not the Shadow Broker.” 

For the first time, the agent hesitates. I’m sure he’s not used to being refused. “That is unfortunate, Commander. My employer will remember this, the next time you need something from us.” With that, he’s gone, and the speakers fall quiet. 

“Gross,” Shepard mutters, unfolding from her power stance and shaking her head like she’s trying to shake the conversation away. 

“I have so much to learn from you, Commander Shepard.” She looks at me in surprise, but I don’t explain or give her time to ask. Instead, I cross the room to her - swallowing down my nerves on the way - and lean down only to press my mouth against her cheek in the closest thing I can manage to a kiss. 

She leans her face against me, but we don’t touch in any other way. I hear her give a happy little sigh just before I pull away and straighten again. “You know, I was thinking today. It’s been a long time since I had a guardian angel,” she muses, looking me over with an odd smile. 

“A guardian what now?” 

“They’re...similar to your spirits, I think? The idea is that it’s someone who is watching over you,” she offers as an explanation though I’m certain it’s extremely simplified. “My dad traveled a lot, and my mom gave him a guardian angel pin that he wore every time he left. Although...you’re probably more of an archangel.” 

I laugh. “Yet another word I don’t understand, Shepard.” 

“Right, sorry. Well, it’s basically the same idea except archangels are giant and super scary warriors. A guardian angel with a sniper rifle is definitely an archangel.” 

I’m still not sure I understand what exactly she’s talking about, but the smile on Shepard’s face and the light in her eyes is enough. 

“I’ll be whatever you need for me to be,” I promise, tucking her hair behind her ear and tugging gently. She leans into my touch, and I’m far too tempted just to throw her back onto the bed. “I’ll get out of your way, but I’m just downstairs if you need me,” I offer, backing toward the doors. 

“OK. Glad you’re still in one piece, big guy.”

I’d kill to keep that smile on her face. A concussion was definitely worth it. “Me, too. Goodnight, kid.”


	12. Want

Chapter Eleven

Things go back to normal right before my eyes. Actual normal, not the sort of normal we had when Garrus and I were barely talking and only pretending to be friendly. Garrus spent a night and then most of the following day in my bed, all of which the crew was well aware of, and nothing has changed. I don’t really know what I was so worried about. 

Sure, Kaidan looks like he might cry, and he’s been all over me with the flirting in the few days since Garrus recovered. But everything else is exactly the way things should be. Even Ashley hasn’t had anything nasty to say, and she’s started joining Wrex and Garrus in their nightly gun cleaning ritual. 

Garrus has forgiven me. He’s back to the guy I fell so hard for in the first place, though it seems to surprise him whenever I say something even a little flirtatious in front of the crew. We jab and joke like normal, but I kind of like being able to show him some favoritism when we’re in a casual setting. I’m just not sure he’s forgiven me completely since there’s been nothing more than friendship and flirting between us. 

Part of me can’t help but wonder if it’s because he’s been with a Turian since; maybe he remembered why he never bothered with humans before. It makes me feel sick, so I try not to think about it too much, but spending time with Garrus again means all I can think about is having his hands on me. And with the stress of Virmir rapidly approaching tomorrow, that’s getting even worse. 

“Where did your head go, kid?” I jump a little when Garrus taps a talon on the back of my hand. He’s sitting next to me at a table playing some complicated nerd game with Tali and Joker that I don’t want to be able to understand. 

“Dirty places, I hope,” Joker quips, winking at me from under his hat.

“Do you ever think about anything other than sex?” Tali scoffs at him. 

“I really do not want to hear the answer to that one,” Garrus announces, rolling his eyes dramatically and then turning to face me, leaving Tali and Joker with the game. “What in the galaxy are you eating that smells so horrible?”

The question catches me off guard, but I have to laugh when I look down at my plate, my meal of a sandwich and pickles almost gone now. “Yeah, since they have a distinct smell to humans, I bet it probably is really strong to you, huh?”

“Putrid. It’s disturbing that you can put that in your mouth.” 

“Hmm, and here I thought you liked the things I put in my mouth.” I might say it quietly, but I’m feeling brave enough to meet his gaze while I take a bite of the spear. Garrus’ blue eyes flash with a heat that I have missed desperately but can’t seem to get to really ignite. “Try it.” 

He grimaces as much as a Turian can grimace and leans away from me when I hold the pickle toward him. “I don’t want to.” 

“Oh, did we finally find something that the big bad Turian sniper is afraid of? A little green vegetable?” I tease. “Well...I actually don’t know if it counts as a vegetable, but that’s not the point. Be a Turian and take a bite.” 

“Don’t tempt me.” The growl in his voice does fantastic things to the muscles in my core. He hasn’t been super suggestive lately, even playfully, so it surprises me, and I can see him read that on my voice. In what I can see is an effort to distract me from noticing, Garrus snags the pickle from my hand and bravely takes a bite. 

I can see the regret all over him instantly. 

“Oh, for Spirit’s sake!” he snaps, shoving back from the table and closing his eyes shut in a burst of movement that I can’t help but laugh at. It’s the most upset I’ve ever seen him, and it’s over a pickle. “What did you just give me? And why?” 

“They’re delicious!” I argue, still laughing at him and enjoying the ache in my ribs. 

“That’s not even edible, Shepard. Something is seriously wrong with humans, you know that?” He finally manages to open his eyes and look at me, a smile breaking out across his handsome features immediately though I can tell he doesn’t want to laugh. “The Alliance would win more wars if you used those things for torture devices.” 

“I’ll alert the Alliance that we’ve discovered the secret to taking down the Turian fleet immediately.” 

Garrus laughs and gets his revenge by throwing the remainder of the pickle at me, the slimy thing smacking off my cheek because, of course, his aim is perfect.

“Wow, you two are just disgusting these days,” Joker grumbles while I wipe off my face. “Also, are there more pickles? Because now I really want one.”

“Here, have the rest of mine,” I offer, shoving my tray and the remainder of my dinner at him. The pilot grumbles his thanks and then makes some excuse about mining planets before heading back toward his hideout in the cockpit, just as he disappears. Liara and Ashley join us, and instantly I can tell that Garrus wants to leave. I’m not ready to just let him go. “What are you up to tonight, big guy?” 

“Just last-minute prepping. Sparring Wrex. The Mako. You know, the usual.” 

I try not to let him see how that list hurts because I know that he only has one prepared to keep some distance between us. “You’re never gonna be in a room alone with me again, huh?” 

Garrus hears the question even though it’s barely a whisper, and I almost jump when his hand lands on my thigh, the touch warm and firm even through my pants. “I don’t want it to be never, Elle.” His use of my first name gets my attention, crystal blue eyes looking right through me. “I’m just...prioritizing. You. Us.” 

“I like the sound of us, but...I just thought all of us was important.” I force out a harsh laugh and straighten my shoulders. “Commander Shepard does not whine, I swear.” 

“Hey.” He squeezes my leg and then takes a deep breath. “I really do have prep, but...can I come up later? In a couple hours, maybe?” My heart skips a beat, though I have a feeling the offer is a lot more innocent than I actually want it to be. Still, his eyes flash toward my lips before they dart toward our company, and then he’s gone, leaning away from me. “Later.” 

“Later.” 

He flashes the sort of smile that should be illegal, and the word hangs heavily in the air while he disappears into the elevator. It takes me a moment to realize that I’m staring at the doors like an absolute smacked ass. 

I recover too late. The three women at the table have all noticed, and they all have the same look on their face - despite being of three different species. The only attempt at distraction I can think of is lame, but since it’s all I have, I go for it. “Everyone ready for Virmire?” 

“Oh, Shepard, really?” Tali teases, openly laughing at me because she knows she can get away with it. 

“That was a sad little effort, Skipper,” Ashley chimes in. It surprises me that the human is able to find any humor in this, but she just rolls brown eyes at me. “Come on, Shepard. What woman doesn’t have needs? All the stress you’re under, you could do a lot worse than Vakarian.” 

“Wow. That was actually almost nice, Ash, you’d better watch that.” I laugh when she flips me off with a smile. “And anyway...I’m not sure any needs are going to get met tonight.”

“Still nothing?” Liara asks, raising her brow at me. I told Liara and Tali about my recent frustrations with Garrus. He’s been sweet and funny and attentive, but...damn it, Ashley is right. I have needs. 

“You know, he’s under a lot of pressure too - we all are. Maybe Garrus just needs a...distraction.” 

I frown at the Quarian, but it’s Ashley who jumps in to explain with a laugh. “She wants you to put your non-military skill set to use. My mother would call it your womanly guile.” My cheeks heat quickly, and she just laughs at me. 

“I cannot…” 

“Seduce him?” Tali supplies. “Why not? It’s obvious he finds you sexy.” 

I shake my head and argue, “I think most of what he finds sexy about me are my military skills. He’s a Turian, after all.” 

“Shepard, there are just as many Turians at strip clubs as any other race.” I turn to gawk at the demure and naive Asari professor at the same time Ashley and Tali do, all of us shocked that Liara has ever been anywhere near a strip club. The blue color of her skin deepens, and she clears her throat. “I mean...or so I’ve heard.” 

“You should take lessons on trying to cover your tracks from Shepard, T’Soni,” Ashley teases. I throw a piece from the game board at her even while joining the others in carefree laughter. Fortunately for me, it breaks the moment, and they move on to talk about other things, including Virmire. I manage to participate in the conversation, but my mind is elsewhere. 

Seduce Garrus? I’ve never seduced anyone, sex has always just been a casual and easy thing between acquaintances. And with Garrus, the physical draw I feel to him as always just been totally natural. Just thinking about him makes me feel the air around me spark to life, pushing and pulling with an energy I’ve never felt before. 

So...seduce him. I don’t know if I’m capable of that. 

Worse, I wish I didn’t have to try. Garrus has always been so into me, so hot for me. Now he barely touches me, and no matter what he says, part of me feels self-conscious about it. I could get naked for him, only to be rejected. Or...we could finally be together again. 

The worst thing I can think of is missing the opportunity to try. I’m tired of missing him. If the effort blows up in my face, I can always brush all of it off as stress about our mission tomorrow - a momentary break in sanity. Garrus is too nice to hold it over my head. 

If it goes well...I have to fight to suppress a shudder. Either way, it’s time to find out if we still have a shot at things. If I’m ever going to have more with Garrus, it starts tonight. 

*****

I wonder how it’s possible that Shepard still seems oblivious to how much she turns me on, how badly I want her...how crazy I am about her. 

How could she think I don’t desperately want to be alone with her when I want everything with her?

Short of really embarrassing myself and saying things that I reserve for my sister and mother - things that I know Shepard won’t say back - I’ve tried my best to treat Shepard differently than any other lover. The rest of them, men or women or whatever, are good for sex. They’re worth my attention for a few hours until I can cum, or they’re good friends who get a casual lay from me. Nothing else and nothing more. 

Elle Shepard is the first woman I have ever needed. 

And somehow, she thinks I don’t want her. 

Clearly, I’ve screwed this up. I thought keeping sex out of the equation would make Shepard understand that she means more to me. When she called us off, she told me that she didn’t know if sex was confusing our friendship or the other way around. I thought removing sex would let us focus on us. Instead, I’ve made the most amazing person I’ve ever known believe that every part of me doesn’t ache for her. 

It’s time to resolve that. Tonight, I’m going to show Shepard how crazy I am about her and use it to prove to her that her insecurities about not being a Turian are ridiculous. She’s exactly what I want, but if Shepard needs to be shown that she can be what extranet told her I like, I’ll show her. I’m going to break down every damn one of those walls she has built up until she’s screaming for more. 

Then we’ll see if she dares to doubt whether or not I want her. 

**Cancel whatever plans or work you have for tonight. You and me. OK?**

Shepard’s response comes quickly and makes me laugh, the sound echoing into the Cargo Bay. 

**Hmm, I don’t know. I can’t go canceling asinine paperwork for just anyone.**

**The guy who nearly got killed for you is just anyone now? That hurts.** 

**Depends. Does he have big plans for me?**

**Oh, he has something big for you.**

The smile remains since I’m feeling pretty proud of that last one. I can almost imagine the shock that will pass through her green eyes before she throws her head back to laugh. There’s a short delay this time, but Shepard never disappoints, and my Omni-Tool dings within a few seconds. 

**It’s average.**

Now I’m the one who has to throw my head back to laugh. The human knows how to challenge me, that’s for sure. It’s no wonder I fell for her. If only I could figure out what I’ve done right to make her care for me at all, I’d do it again. Although I don’t think it hurts that we both know I’m not average - can’t blame a woman for wanting to get hers.

I try not to rush through a shower, even taking time to apply my plate oil, but my hands are almost shaking by the time I dress in casuals. The moment Wrex and Ashley Williams return to Cargo Bay after dinner, and I think I could get some privacy, I’m heading to Shepard’s quarters in the elevator. I think about giving her a heads up that I’m on my way, but I like catching her off guard too much. 

I’m so distracted that I nearly miss Joker and Alenko sitting in Mess Hall, until the human biotic calls my name. I’d rather just ignore him and run for her quarters, but I remember how proud Shepard was when she found out I made an effector with Ashley. So, I pause. 

“Listen, I uh…” Alenko does that super annoying thing where he rubs the back of his neck and coughs like he’s preparing to say something important. We all know that he never says anything important. I glance at Joker quickly, and he tries to hide a smirk, aware of what I’m thinking. “I just wanted to thank you for what you did the other night with Shepard.” 

“Thank me?” Well, he’s managed to catch me off guard. Most of the crew has commended me, sure, but thank me...as if I helped him?

“Yeah. You know that Shepard is really important to me, and I’m grateful you were there.” My hands fist and some of the arousal that’s been coursing through me takes a slight detour, quickly simmering toward rage. The two emotions - turned on and pissed off - are closely related for a Turian, and I get a feeling that Alenko is about to get a glimpse into that. 

Joker clears his throat, but I ignore his warning. “I didn’t do it for you,” I inform the annoyingly handsome human Lieutenant. “Don’t pretend that you don’t know she’s important to me.” 

Vaguely I’m aware that the doors to Med Bay have opened, Liara and Tali joining us in Mess Hall, but then Alenko stands. All I can do is hope that he’s actually going to threaten me, give me a reason to break his jaw, and keep his mouth from touching Shepard’s ever again. 

“It’s a little different, Garrus,” Alenko says, speaking like he’s trying to explain something to a child. “You and Shepard are friends, you work really well together, sure. But at the end of the day…” He trails off into a shrug and makes a vague motion at me as if my body is his point. 

I hate that he got me right where I’m most vulnerable. 

“At the end of the day, Alenko...I’m the one she wants standing by her side. Have a good night.” 

I leave them with that, turning to resume my path toward our Commander’s quarters. We have a major mission tomorrow, Alenko pissed me off, and I haven’t been laid since Ilium. It’s a miracle I don’t explode on the way there, but I manage to reach the doors and throw caution to the wind, quickly hacking the lock before slipping inside, then locking it again behind me. 

I really wanted to see Shepard immediately, probably just tackle her to the floor, but an empty room greets me. I can hear water running, and my cock stirs when I realize that Shepard is in the shower. For some reason, even though I just broke into her quarters in front of the whole crew, barging into the bathroom to get what we both need feels too intrusive. 

Damn it. 

I resign myself to wait but head for the bed, going so far as to kick off my boots and sit with my back to the headboard. I have to bend my knees to accommodate my spurs, but otherwise, this bed is surprisingly comfortable. I guess humans like them softer than Turians. 

The wait is especially long because I know Shepard is naked in the bathroom, but then the shower stops, and I’m left waiting still for what feels like an eternity. I can hear her moving around in there but wouldn’t dare to pretend to know enough about women or humans to get what she’s doing. Spirits know my sister used to occupy our bathroom for hours. 

Still, I’m about a second from going in there when the doors whoosh open. 

I’m damn glad that I chose to sit, or I think I would fall right to my knees at the sight of the absolutely stunning woman who comes through the doors. 

“Garrus!” she shrieks, jumping a little when she spots me on her bed. No longer able to be or appear calm, I push right to my feet and head for the human while she tries to cover her breasts. 

“None of that,” I growl, guiding her hands away. “This seems like something you’d wear because you want someone to see it.

I’ve seen Shepard naked, and I’ve seen her like this, in just a bra and her panties. This is different. The set she’s wearing tonight does not seem like they’d be appropriate - or supportive - under armor. Black lace and very little coverage, I can’t help but think about how easily my talons could rip right through these pretty things. 

“Yeah, well...maybe that was the plan - but not by surprise,” she notes, letting me pull her hands back down to her sides. “Stop staring at me.” 

“I can’t,” I confess. “You’re...Spirits.” 

It might be embarrassing for me, but my reaction seems to give Shepard a little confidence, and she makes a soft humming noise. Her fingers squeeze mine where they’re tangled together. “You know the whole plan was...more.” 

“I like the sound of more.” 

“I thought I might have to convince you to want to see it.” 

My eyes flash up to hers - admittedly for the first time since she came out almost naked - and I hate the vulnerability I see in the emerald green staring up at me. It hits me loud and clear that convincing me is not what this woman wants; she needs to be convinced that I’m already there, already interested in her.

Those eyes of her widen when I slide my hand all the way up her arm and across her shoulder to wrap around her throat. I fucking love how small her throat feels in my hand. I could break her, we both know it. Part of me expects her to panic, push my hand away. If she does, I won’t fight. The last thing I want is to scare her. 

Shepard never takes her eyes off mine, and then, after a beat, she tilts her head to give me more access. Perfect. 

“I’m going to teach you to love this body as much as I do,” I promise, totally unable to keep my eyes from scanning her body again. I need to see her, feel her, taste her in a way I’ve never needed anything before. The last time I was this starved for something was during a particularly brutal training exercise Saren put us through that involved shoving our faces into a tub of water. 

I want this woman so badly that the only experience I can equate the feeling to is drowning, my every fiber desperate to make her mine in the way that all of my cells were once screaming for oxygen. 

She’s become lifeblood to me. It should scare me. I should be terrified, especially considering the distance that she’s kept me emotionally. I’d give Shepard whatever she asked for, and I know that she couldn’t give any of it back. But I don’t care. If I can have some small part of her, just these moments and just her body, it’s enough for now. I can wait for the rest until our work is done. 

We have forever. 

Tired of having only my eyes on her, I slide my hand from her throat and into her silken hair, tugging hard enough to force her to tilt her head back. I’m amazed that she doesn’t seem fearful or anxious when I bring a mouth full of sharp teeth to her throat. The flesh here is so soft, so vulnerable...and damn do I want to sink my teeth in. 

I use my tongue instead, finally getting a small taste of her salty-sweet skin. Shepard whimpers and tilts her head back even further on her own, granting me access and giving me faith. 

Small hands come up to my waist, strong enough to knead with exactly the right amount of pressure. I think about how easily I could hurt her and know at the same time that Shepard is not weak; she could have me on the floor in seconds if she wanted to. She may be soft and small, but I wouldn’t dare underestimate her, and it’s the combination that is so insanely hot.

“I don’t need you to seduce me, Shepard.” I whisper it into her ear, keeping my voice low and soft. Instantly, I feel her heart rate soar, and the constant crackle of energy between us starts to buzz with a tangible pull. “Spirits, everything about you turns me on.” 

“Garrus.” 

“Mmm. Especially the way you say my name when you want me.” 

She gives a husky laugh and flexes her hands, sending sparks rushing straight to my cock. “I always want you. It makes working with you difficult at times.” I laugh and nip her earlobe, continuing down her jaw and toward her mouth while she talks. “When I was in the bathroom, wearing this, I felt like a soldier in lingerie. I felt stupid. I was coming out here to change.” 

“That would have been very unfortunate.” She gasps when I run the talons of my free hand down her back and to her lace-covered ass. 

“The way you look at me, Garrus...I feel like a woman.” Her voice cracks a little with vulnerability, and I pull away from her neck to look down at her, green eyes blazing and wet. “No one has made me feel like that before. I...I really like it. I don’t want to lose it.” 

“I don’t plan to stop.” 

Before she can say something pessimistic or - worse - logical, I kiss her. Shepard doesn’t resist for a moment, her mouth opening to me and meeting mine with the desperate sort of eagerness that speaks to how long it’s been for both of us. 

Not so long since she was last kissed, though. 

The image of her in Alenko’s arms flashes unwelcome through my mind, and that rage threatens to emerge again. Shepard startles when a growl that can’t be mistaken for anything other than anger rips from my throat, but I don’t let her go, trapping her head by the hand in her hair and capturing her bottom lip between my teeth much harder than I would normally. She whimpers but doesn’t fight me or try to get away. 

“You don’t know what it does to me,” I tell her, swiping my tongue along her bottom lip now to soothe the pain. “The thought of someone else feeling your mouth.” I can tell from the way she tenses that Shepard knows where my mind has gone, where the anger has come from. 

“I do know,” she argues, leaning into me now. She shifts suddenly, dodging my mouth and catching my mandible between her teeth for a sharp bite that makes me gasp and makes my cock jump. “I could tear the hull out thinking about someone else having you like this.”

She startles when a harsh laugh leaves me and pulls back enough to look up at me. “You really don’t get it at all, do you?” I ask. 

I don’t let her push, and I don’t explain, choosing instead to move both my hands to her hips and draw her against me. Shepard isn’t passive anymore, clinging to me and moving her hands everywhere at once while we exchange kisses and nips over each other's mouths and throats. When I move my hands to the back of her thighs, she obeys the unspoken command and jumps into my arms with her legs around my hips. 

I move for her bed this time, finally prepared to claim her here if for no other reason that I can’t hold back anymore. Before I can lay her down under me, Shepard pushes at my chest to make me release her and jumps down only to spin us and shove me onto the bed. I prop up onto my elbows because I can’t lay flat on her bed but mostly for the view, enthralled as she plants a knee beside my hips. 

“So...you like these?” she asks, her tone teasing while she runs her fingers over the lace covering her hips and brings the other hand up to her breasts. Fuck. Watching Shepard cup her own breasts gets my cock roaring to life, springing from inside me so fast it almost hurts. 

I wonder how far I can push her and can’t resist the urge to find out. “I do like those. Especially when you’re touching them like that.” Shepard pauses for a moment, realizing I’m not talking about lingerie anymore. The blush that comes to her cheeks sets my blood to simmer, and my hands itch to touch her. “I hope you didn’t stop on my account, Shepard.” 

“God, Vakarian, that damn voice of yours. Makes me scared of what you could convince me to do.” 

I might laugh, but the growl building in my chest distracts both of us. “What do you want to hear, Shepard?” Her eyes meet mine again, and her pink lips part just slightly when she starts breathing heavier. “I’ll tell you for the rest of our lives how beautiful, how sexy I think you are.” Now her eyes squeeze closed, and she whispers my name, almost sounding like she’s in pain. 

I think back to the night I was injured, when I slept here and she told me that I feel like home to her. I understand her pain, the ache of knowing how much she cares when I can’t have all of her, so I sit up, bringing our faces within inches. My hands gravitate to her, sliding slowly over her stomach and waist. 

“Would you prefer that I touched you?” 

“Please.” 

I don’t make her beg, not tonight. Our positions and height difference have put me level with her breasts, and I take advantage of the nature of the lace, teasing her sensitive skin through the fabric with my tongue and teeth. She gasps and moans when I capture a nipple between my teeth, biting as gently as I can while running my hands slowly over her back and ass. 

I have to groan at the pressure in my groin when her little hands take hold of my fringe, encouraging me. One of those hands drops to my shoulder, and she tugs at my shirt. “Off.” 

“So eloquent, you humans,” I tease, even while pulling back to obey her. Shepard narrows her eyes, and I know I’m in trouble, but I’ll take any punishment that involves her mouth and hands on my bare plates. Talented, wicked woman that she is, Shepard has learned exactly how to kiss and scratch and nip me to make me almost painfully aroused. 

I jump in surprise when her hand cups my erection through my pants. She chuckles at the pathetic noise that escapes me. “Turians are just as eloquent, it seems.” 

“Keep running that mouth, Shepard, and I’ll fill it.” The warning comes with a tug of her hair, and I’m rewarded with her moan, her hand still squeezing me mercilessly. Spirits, she makes me crazy. “Is that what you want, Elle? My cock in your mouth, my cum on your tongue?” 

“Jesus...Garrus,” she pants, falling against me when her legs shake. “Yes, I want that.” 

“You want what?” I push, biting her shoulder gently while I catch her wrist to stop her hands. “Tell me, Shepard, tell me what you want.” 

She uses a hand on my shoulder to push back and straighten enough to look at me. I don’t know what she can see on my face, and it scares the hell out of me to think about the possibilities, but whatever it is makes her bold. Shepard leans in to graze her soft lips over my mouth, just barely touching me, while she whispers, “When you think about my mouth, I want your only thought to be how it looks with your cock inside it.” 

“Oh, shit, Shepard.” I feel my talons sink almost too far into her ass when I clench my hands, about ready to shove the redhead to her knees and fuck her mouth. “Get on your knees.” She obeys my growled words, and I tear through the buckle on my belt, groaning when my cock springs free after she yanks my pants out of the way only to be captured by her skilled hands. 

I lean back onto my elbows again, ensuring I have a view of this, and nearly combust when I catch sight of the hungry way she watches her own hand pump my dick. 

Shepard looks up at me, almost like she’s asking for permission. Like she doesn’t know she owns me. 

“I’m all yours, baby.” 

She flashes a smile I’ve only ever seen from her on the battlefield, a grin full of mischief and vast confidence that suggests she could take on the whole universe. Before I can get wise enough to be scared of it, she makes a dive to take my cock into her throat. I cry out and fist her sheets, my vision clouding for a moment from the intense bliss of wet heat. If she wasn’t squeezing the base of my cock, I’d be shamelessly cumming down her throat already. 

She pulls back after a beat that’s long enough to kill me and gasps for air, face flushed and lips wet. 

“Don’t stop,” I snarl, reaching forward with one hand to cup her head and pushing back through those perfect lips. She moans and welcomes both my cock and the aggression, tongue swirling while her head bobs, sucking and jerking me with both hands. “Fuck, yes, Elle. You suck me so good.” 

Her moan vibrates through me, and I swear I can feel the suction all the way at the back of my fringe. One hand leaves my dick so she can cup my quad, rolling them gently on her palm and sending shockwaves surging up my spine. 

“Ah, Shepard. Fuck.” 

The sight of my cock slipping in and out of her mouth, the blue color bold and brash against her soft pink lips, is something that will be seared into my mind forever. The bastard human biotic has nothing from her, not her affection or her body or this incredible fucking mouth. I ache with the need to spill into her throat, over her tongue, cover her with me. 

Let Kaidan Alenko taste that if he ever dares to kiss my Shepard again. 

“Like that, baby, make me cum. Need you to taste me.” I give her head a gentle push, never daring to hurt her - not this woman - and Shepard moans deeply, obeying and bringing me back into her throat. It shouldn’t be possible for her to take so much of me, and then she swallows, the muscles surrounding the head of my cock squeezing hard enough to make me see stars. 

I let go, giving myself over to her needs and mine, aware somewhere in my mind that I’m thrusting up into her throat, but Shepard doesn’t release me. Her hand continues to pump, milking me through the orgasm while she drinks me down. I let go of her hair when I can see straight again, and she pulls off to catch her breath, only to return to kissing gently down my shaft. 

“Spirits, Shepard. Why would I want anyone else knowing what you do to me?” Her head pops up suddenly, mouth gaping. I sit up and reach down to cup her chin in my hand, brushing her swollen lips with my thumb. “Come here.” 

She obeys, standing up and then moving forward like she’s going to straddle my lap, but I catch her by the hips. Shepard frowns until I stand, and then she stares up at me, her head tilted back in the most inviting way. I catch her hands and tug her against me briefly before I move, slowly circling around her until I’m behind her, our arms crossed over her body so that I’m encasing her. 

In an instant, Shepard takes a deep breath and sinks back into me. It makes me warm to know she feels safe, but it sets me ablaze to know I can use that to my advantage. 

I release her hands and bend to give her ear a quick nip. “Knees up on the bed, Shepard.” There’s a soft gasp, but she never hesitates, scrambling forward as soon as I release her arms. 

The first night we were together, I didn’t fuck her this way. I wasn’t sure a human could take it or like it, and I didn’t want to hurt her - already then I cared too much for her. Now, I know what this woman is capable of. And I know what she needs from me. 

“Slide forward.” 

She obeys on command, crawling into the middle of the bed and presenting an absolutely perfect image while she’s on all fours and waiting for me. I can’t help but take a moment to stare, running my hands over her round ass and strong thighs. She trembles when I sweep my fingers over her core, reveling in how wet she is just from getting me off. 

“Do you have more of these pretty things?”

“No…” She gives the answer cautiously, almost like she can read my mind. 

“I’ll buy you some.” 

With that, I tear easily through the lace that was my final barrier to getting inside this perfect body. Shepard gives a husky laugh, but I see her hands clench the sheets in anticipation. I don’t want to keep her waiting any longer, but I need a taste. I follow her onto the bed, leaning down to replace my fingers with a sweep of my tongue. 

“Garrus, yes, please.” 

She doesn’t have to beg. If the only thing I could taste for the rest of my life was this woman, I’d enjoy every damn minute. Devouring her is a joy, and listening to her moans while I fuck her with my tongue is enough to get me right back to the edge.

When I pull away, Shepard gives a soft and disappointed moan that makes me laugh. “Don’t worry. I plan to make you cum until you can’t take anymore.” 

“Oh, fuck me, Garrus.” 

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” 

She gives a drawn-out groan that sounds a lot like swearing with her face buried into the sheets. Her head pops back up, though when I kneel behind her, pulling her ass against me so that my dick slides between those perfect cheeks. 

“I have something new for you in mind,” I tell her, reaching forward to brush all of her hair into one shoulder. That way, the other side is all for me. Shepard tenses and pulls forward in a rapid jerk, hard enough to startle me. “What’s wrong?” 

“I...Garrus, I don’t know if I’m ready for...that.” 

For a moment, I’m lost. When it hits me, what she thinks I’m suggesting, I can’t help but laugh while I fold myself over her back. “Not that, Elle, I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t laugh at me!” 

“No, I’m not, I promise. That’s just not where my mind was.” I press my mouth to her shoulder in the closest thing I can manage to a kiss and then nip the skin softly, kissing it my way too. Shepard relaxes, and I slide my hands up to grope her breasts, grinding my hips lightly against her. “Don’t get me wrong, baby. Someday, I’ll claim this ass.” 

“Oh, fuck,” she mutters, shivering with either anticipation or fear - I smell both, and I like it. 

“For tonight, just remember that you’re safe with me.” I tweak her nipples in my fingers while nipping across the back of her shoulders until I feel her spine and then move down. She’s a little tense again, probably wondering why she’d need that reminder. “Lean forward for me, onto your forearms.” 

She does, and I get her to relax into my touch with a few well-placed tugs and licks. “You’re driving me crazy,” she complains, pushing her ass back into me. 

“Good.” I straighten and shift my hands to her hips, my dick waiting proudly between us. “Put me inside you, Elle.” Shepard gives a soft, intensely feminine little whimper that damn near kills me. Human flexibility will never cease to amaze me, and I watch her hand wrap around my dick before lining me up, pressing the head between her soft - so, so soft - lips. “Ready for me?”

I don’t wait for her to respond, snapping my hips forward so that I sheathe completely inside her. I braced myself in preparation for this, but still have to hold my breath and fight like hell to keep from exploding right now. How are humans this tight?

Shepard cries out and falls forward, which was the plan all along, so I gather my senses enough to get to work. Her ankles fit perfectly around my leg spurs, maybe not exactly like a Turian would fit but certainly well enough to get the job done. Shepard whispers my name when she realizes what I’ve done, and I feel her pull her legs, trying to disentangle herself. She’s trapped, unable to move her own legs - not to move, escape, or absorb any sensation. 

“All you can do is take me.” 

To prove my point, I pull her off my cock and then back against me, holding myself still and fucking her on me. She rewards me with a deep moan when I grind my hips into her, angling for exactly the right place in the mental map I’ve created of this woman’s body...all the places I need to make her mine. My hands shake against her hips with the effort to control myself, my dick throbbing with a need to pound into her. 

“Tell me this is OK, Shepard.” 

Now instead of my voice being deep, I sound the way I feel. Like my control is slipping rapidly. I’d never hurt her, never want to scare her. As much as I want to fuck her senseless, it’s not just my honor that keeps me from taking what I need but also a need for her to enjoy this. 

I’d give Shepard any damn thing in the world, so she’s going to get the best of me. Even if the best of me isn’t good enough. 

“Garrus,” she gasps, trying to move her hips and groaning at her helplessness. “It’s OK, God, it’s so good. Please, come on, I need more. 

“That’s my girl.” 

And I give my girl exactly what she’s asking for, yanking her onto me while I snap my hips forward to get as deep inside as her body will let me. She takes all of me, her perfect little body squeezing me hard like it never wants to let me go. Shepard moans and gasps and cries out my name while I pound with a driving need to be one with her. She’s helpless, screaming, and all fucking mine. 

I can feel the muscles deep inside her start to clench, and I up the stakes, wrapping my arm around her waist to hold her and sliding my now freed hand up to her breasts. Her gasps get higher pitched and breathier when I tug at her nipples and fuck her deep until she’s begging me for release. 

“I need you, Garrus.” 

Those words do things to me that she couldn’t imagine, and instead of spilling my guts, I find a new level of stamina and drive harder into her. I’m holding her up now, Shepard boneless and crying into the mattress when she climaxes hard. The fierce grip of her sex around my dick turns the tables on me, making me the helpless one - helpless to do anything but follow her over the edge and fill her. 

We fall forward together, panting and spent for at least the moment. 

I slip her ankles back out from around my leg spurs and quickly check for injuries. It pleases me to find that her soft skin held up well, and it frees me to return to Shepard’s body, kissing slowly up her spine until I reach her neck, and then I can stretch out over her back. She gives a happy little hum that makes me feel warm. 

“How was that?” I check. 

“A little intense, a lot amazing,” she answers, voice muffled by the sheets. That makes me feel proud of both of us. Earning her trust like this isn’t an effort wasted on me. Shepard reaches back over her shoulder and touches my cheek gently. “I know you were holding back until you thought I was OK. You’re good to me, lover.” 

“Lover, hmm? I like that.” I turn my head and kiss her hand. “Both my nicknames are sex-related.” 

Shepard barks out a laugh and moves to turn. I make room and grab a pillow to fold under my head so that we can lay facing each other. She snuggles back in close and hooks her knee over my hip while her hand sneaks under my fringe. 

I’d kill to keep the peaceful look in her eyes and this sweet little smile on her face. I almost change my mind about what needs to be said, for fear that it’ll ruin her happiness. Even if I know I have to say it, I wrap my arms around her to try and keep her here. 

“I’m sorry that I let you believe I don’t want you, kid. That was...really the opposite of what I was going for,” I confess. A laugh escapes me, and I continue, “I’m not going to admit how many people I’ve slept with and then avoided. Finally, I want more from someone and…” 

Nope, that is not where I was supposed to go. 

I don’t dare look at Shepard now, keeping my eyes down. She doesn’t let me get away with that, ducking under my chin so that she can kiss my throat. It becomes clear quickly that Shepard doesn’t intend to let me go, at least for now, and I happily succumb. 

We spend hours reaffirming one another as the only person each of us is interested in - again, at least for now. I’m sore and exhausted in the best ways when we crash back down onto the pillow together, hours, and multiple rounds later. Shepard falls beside me doesn’t keep a distance for more than a beat, curling against me and resting her head on my carapace. 

“I can’t imagine I feel comfortable to you,” I admit, even while wrapping my arm around her to enjoy this while I can. 

“Like home, remember?” Even muttered because the exhausted human is already falling asleep, the words make my heart skip a beat. 

The last thing I want to do is move her, but I’m not going to have a choice. I press my mouth to her hair, inhaling the soft cinnamon and citrus scent now mingling with my scent all over and inside her. It’s hard to get the words out, a lump in my throat like my body doesn’t want the words to escape. Maybe if I don’t say it, she’ll forget. 

“I should go.” 

Shepard’s head pops up quickly enough that I have to dodge her or get headbutted. “Where? Why?” 

“To bed and because you’re falling asleep.” I laugh and tuck her hair behind her ear before tugging gently on the lobe. She looks damn gorgeous, hair messy and framing her face while she looks down at me. “It’s late. I should go before anyone else starts moving around the crew deck.” 

“You don’t...you don’t have to go.” 

I can’t help a laugh. “Flattered as I am that you want more, I think it’ll kill me.” I drop my hand to her ass for a gentle squeeze and then shift to try and get my arm out from under her. Shepard doesn’t budge, though, and then reaches her arm across my chest, holding me down. 

She takes a breath, and I realize how vulnerable she sounds, even more than when she in lingerie earlier. My stomach nearly leaps into my throat when I realize what she’s going to say, and I’m not fast enough to stop her. “I want you to stay here. Tonight. With me.” 

“Shepard.” This time I push to sit up and don’t let her stop me. She scrambles up as well, coming to her knees in front of me. Damn, it’s hard to focus when she’s naked. “Look at me.” Shepard obeys, and I take her face between my hands. “I get why you need to keep this private, why you need to keep it casual. I respect your decisions. I can’t make you want the same things that I do and - “ 

“No, Garrus, damn it!” she snaps, pushing my hands away only to scramble into my lap and wrap her legs around my waist. “That’s not what this is. I do want the same things you do. I just...can’t yet.” She frowns a little at that but then shakes her head, and the determined look is back. “But don’t say or think that I don’t want it.” 

Her voice actually cracks, and it hurts my heart, so I quiet her with a soft kiss and my hands on her back. “OK, Shepard.” 

“You don’t believe me.” She says it very matter of factly, and that makes me laugh a little. It helps to hide some of my shame, anyway...or at least I can hope. 

“I...I don’t know. I find it hard to believe, to be honest. I’m an ex-cop, a thirty-year-old Turian with nothing to show for himself or to offer. You, Shepard, are…” I force out another laugh and shake my head, hoping that she can’t read me as well as I fear. 

If she can, she chooses not to respond with words and instead rains soft kisses all over my face. I have to close my eyes to absorb all the sensations, her soft, warm lips touching me gently while her hands brush back over my fringe. The touches make me feel...cherished. “You’re my best friend,” she whispers, making me shiver when her breath gusts over my face. “I trust you more than anyone. What you offer is more valuable than anything I could find anywhere else. And we’re not thirty yet.” 

I crush her to me in a hug when I laugh, grateful that she saved me from having to get too emotional with a joke. Shepard laughs too and leans up to kiss my mouth one more time. I can see that she’s searching my eyes when she pulls away. “Tell me you’re OK.” 

“I’m OK,” I promise, being honest. I won’t tell her that I’d much prefer spending the night with her because she already knows that it doesn’t help either of us. She smiles, stunning me, and then climbs off my lap so that we can both get up. 

Shepard grabs a t-shirt and pulls it on while I get dressed; somehow, she manages to make baggy cotton look every bit as sexy as the lacy lingerie. She notices me staring and rolls her eyes, cheeks turning pink again. 

“You’ll learn,” I promise, standing once my boots are on. “Maybe we can each get a couple minutes of sleep before Virmire.” 

“Maybe,” she laughs. “Try your best - I’ll need you on my six.” 

I lean down at the door and capture her mouth, slipping my tongue through her lips without waiting for her permission and kissing her deeply. She stumbles back into the wall and whimpers - almost enough to convince me that I could go another round. “You’ll always have me there, kid. See ya soon.” 

“Night, big guy.” 

Dragging myself away from her is easier tonight. It’s not because I don’t want to be there, or that I don’t feel every bit as at home in her arms as she does in mine. It’s easier because, for once, I’m confident that I’ll be back in her arms before long. 

Shepard will be mine, that much I know. And it’s much more than worth waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you all enough for the love and support this has received since going up a couple months ago. I've spent a long time pouring my heart into this. 
> 
> Strap in, folks, the ride has not yet come to an end. I may or may not have just finished drafting the sequel to this Mass Effect 1 story...and it may or may not be on Omega. There's a long road ahead for Elle & Garrus, and I hope you'll stick around with us.


	13. Beaches

A few hours ago, Virmire had been looming. There are few things I hate more than walking my team into the unknown, and with the little information I got from the Council, that’s exactly what Virmire is. My plan to seduce Garrus had been something of a distraction, but I had a knot in my stomach all day before then, too many questions with no answers. 

Instead of needing to seduce Garrus, instead of having to push Virmire out of my mind, the Turian showed up in my quarters and made everything else disappear. I’ll never know how he works magic on my mind through my body, but that man can make even the biggest of stressors seem like nothing. He makes me feel as capable as he does sexy, maybe because of the way he looks at me or maybe because I can handle everything he manages to gives me - which surprises both of us. 

Garrus Vakarian is, once again, the cure for what ails me. 

When my alarm goes off after barely a couple hours of sleep, I’m desperate for coffee but feeling far more prepared for Virmire that I did just yesterday even though nothing for the mission has changed. 

It’s what did change that makes the difference. I won’t fail on Virmire, and I won’t fail in my mission to put a stop to Saren. I’m even certain the Reapers are in trouble. I have Garrus Vakarian waiting for me, and I’m not letting anything keep me from him. 

Breakfast is an all hands on deck affair, everyone present and accounted for by the time I arrive after taking another shower and getting dressed in everything but my armor. “Well, well, well. Late morning there, Shepard? Or maybe a late night?” Joker gives me a wink from his seat beside Garrus that can only be called lewd. 

It would probably bother me if I didn’t feel like I was walking on air. I mean, sore as hell deep inside me but in the best possible way. Right now, Joker could say whatever the hell he wants, and I don’t think I could keep the smile off my face. 

One glance at the handsome Turian sniper responsible for my mood tells me that he feels the same, already watching me with a smirk that is at least a little cocky. 

“You really are spying on all of us, aren’t you?” Ashley teases the mouthy pilot. “Vakarian, can’t you rig something up to keep him out of the cameras?” 

“Oh, or maybe we can make something to shock him every time he touches himself in the cockpit,” Tali chimes in brightly, unable to keep herself from giggling. Her laughter and Joker’s undignified snort into his coffee sends the rest of the table into laughter as I reach the coffee pot. 

My smile only grows when I can feel Garrus approaching from behind me, the air around me sparking to life and pulling toward him. I don’t try to resist it anymore, leaning back into him just a little when he stands behind me - ostensibly to grab something from the cabinet above the coffee pot. “Good morning, Commander,” he practically purrs at me. 

“Good morning,” I manage to respond even as the butterflies leap to life in my stomach. Goddamn Commander Shepard with butterflies. “Something has you in a good mood, lover.” 

I can’t help but preen a little when that makes him growl, calling forward memories of our night. At least if I have to have butterflies, I know that he’s suffering too. 

We have no choice but to part after a moment, but he strategically moves around with a hand at my lower back that lingers for a beat. I let the heat from his touch soak into me, taking some extra strength from him to prep for the day ahead. 

When I turn back to face the table, I’m ready for work. “We’re pretty much all hands on deck for Virmire, so everyone suit up after breakfast. Joker, ETA?” 

“Just shy of an hour,” he answers around a mouthful of food. Liara and Ashley make the same exact disgusted face at him, which Kaidan laughs at. 

Everyone seems so comfortable together now. I’m not sure quite when that started to change except for Ashley making more of an effort with the aliens after Garrus saved my life with Dr. Saleon. I never would have thought that it would be the crew’s biggest xenophobe to make everyone feel closer, but it certainly makes me grateful I kept her around. 

“You should eat something before we go down there.” 

I make a show of rolling my eyes at Garrus over the top of my coffee mug. “Worried about me?”

He chuckles and takes a sip from his own mug, giving me a sideways glance that has no business being as sexy as it is. “I have a personal stake in your safety and stamina, Shepard.” I choke on a laugh into my mug, nearly spitting coffee all over myself and doing a good job of drawing everyone’s attention. Garrus doesn’t try to hide his amusement; he dodges a swat and walks away. 

I have to make a conscious effort not to watch him go. When did I start finding his butt so cute? It’s harder knowing that he’s going downstairs to the Cargo Bay alone...where we could be alone. When Wrex joins him in the elevator for the ride down, I abandon any plans of jumping him in the Mako again - for now - and head to the table for a few moments of peace before the mission. 

Ashley and Kaidan want to talk about the mission, bashing us all over the head with how much they know about Virmire. I know it’s because they want me to consider them for my primary team. With Kaidan, I can’t help but think it’s also because he feels a need to prove himself. Tali and Liara are trying their best to talk about other things, but it all just dissolves into chatter pretty quickly. When Joker escapes back to the cockpit, I follow him. 

“Needed a break from your downtime, Commander?”

“You catch on quick, Joker. How are we looking?” 

Joker shrugs before easing himself into his seat. “Not really sure, to be honest. The Salarian team is totally out of contact, and the Council had no other information for us.” 

“Great.” I try not to sound too discouraged or annoyed in front of the crew in general, but with Joker, I know that it’s OK to let down the ever-confident facade. It’s partially because the pilot is already such a pessimist that I’m pretty sure I couldn’t bring him down further. It also just helps because Joker has proven himself a friend. 

He laughs at my tone now. “Ah, come on Shepard. You and Vakarian put in some serious time on stress relief last night. You can’t let that go to waste now.” 

“I’m going to let Tali come up with her little masturbation trick if you don’t quit spying.” 

“I would love to spy on you, trust me, but Garrus did something on his Omni-Tool. I can’t track him around the ship anymore, and I can’t break through the firewall.” 

“That Turian gets more and more useful all the time.” Joker rolls his eyes at me, and I don’t try to hide laughing at him. 

“You both suck,” he mutters as something starts to beep from the control panels. “Hey, wait Commander. I’m getting a signal - crap. This whole planet is covered in defense towers. No way can we land the Normandy with those up.” 

I take a breath. “Well, if things went well, it wouldn’t be us. We’ll have to go in hot and take them out.” 

“I can get you in under their radar.” 

“I’d never doubt you.” I pat Joker on the shoulder before leaning past him to press the button for the comms. “Change of plans,” I tell the crew. “We need to go down in the Mako first. Garrus and Wrex, you’re with me. I’m on my way down now.” 

I consider it a blessing that I don’t have to hear the response from the rest of the crew through this system since I’m sure Ashley and Kaidan are complaining. 

“The rest of you need to stay in gear and ready. Once we can land the Normandy, I’ll want everyone on the ground.” 

“I’ll keep her ready, Commander,” Joker calls as I head out of the cockpit. “You go rev up the Turian.” I just roll my eyes and throw my middle finger up over my shoulder, the pilot’s laugh ringing out from behind me. 

I must be moving fast enough to keep everyone away from me, but Tali joins me in the elevator. She likely knows that she’s an exception to any of my 'I don’t want to talk' moods. 

“Everyone OK?” 

“It will be,” I assure her. “AA towers need to come down before we can land the Normandy.” 

“I’m glad you have a plan for Virmire, Shepard, but that’s not what I was asking about. You’ve been stressed lately. How are you?”

I take a breath and lean into the wall. Maybe it should bother me that someone or anyone on the crew has picked up on my stress, especially stress about another crew member. But Tali has never just been a member of my crew. And maybe I’ve done enough damage to myself and people I care about by creating distance and the Quarian deserves more from me. 

“We talked a lot. And did a lot of things that were not talking.” Tali gives me that soft little giggle, the one that always makes me smile. “I feel better. If nothing else, we’re back on the same page.” 

“Good. You’re definitely at the top of your game when you’re together.” 

It’s a compliment that likely means more to me than Tali could ever know. I’ve worked with a lot of people, and I’ve had brief affairs with other people...combining the two has always felt like an impossible feat for me. Hell, all I have to do is look at how distracted Kaidan gets on missions and imagine if we were sleeping together. 

With Garrus, we bring out the best in one another and strengthen each other - on and off the battlefield. It’s something I never imagined being able to have. And now it’s so close I can taste it. 

Thinking about tasting him again is not a distraction I need. Neither is thinking about how he looks when he watches his cock slide into my mouth. 

A shudder runs down my spine, and I have a suspicion that Tali is giving me a side-eye, but I’m not going to address it if she’s not. 

The elevator releases us into the Cargo Bay, and Tali parts from me to head for Engineering. Garrus and Wrex are already armored up and waiting by the Mako when I head for my locker to do the same. I should probably expect that my things will be neatly organized, cleaned, and prepared by now, but the gesture makes me feel warm every time. 

“Thank you, Garrus,” I call over my shoulder while slapping on my gear. 

“No problem, Commander.” 

“Does she thank you after every one?” I might hit Wrex myself for that, but I hear a dull thud and a grunt telling me that Garrus handled the dirty work. It makes the Krogan laugh, of course, and I can hear them shoving one another playfully. It reminds me of the way my brother and I used to play wrestle when we were kids. 

“You two have my favorite bromance, do you know that?” I tease them, clipping the final pieces of my armor on before selecting my guns. 

“Bromance?” Garrus repeats, saying the world like he’s testing it out in his mouth. “What is that?”

I shrug my shoulders on the way over to them. “It’s a human term, I guess, for two guys who are close. Play on romance, but you’re bros.” 

They exchange a glance and then look back at me. “You mean friends, Shepard?” Garrus deadpans.

“You know how human males are, Vakarian,” Wrex notes, shaking his head. “Their masculinity is more fragile than glass. Small cocks.” 

“Wrex!” I scold him, even while trying not to join Garrus in laughing at that. The Turian at least has the grace to clear his throat and try to control himself when I shoot him a glare. “You’re also two of the most incorrigible men I have ever met.” 

Wrex scoffs and glances at Garrus when asks, “You ever feel like she sounds like your mother?” 

“No, but sometimes she sounds like your mother. Especially when she - OW!” Garrus has to protect himself from punches by both of us, but he laughs anyway.

“Such a dick.” I can’t help smiling though, and Garrus notices, throwing me a damn sexy wink. Far too hot for his own good. “Let’s just get down there and kill some things.” 

*****

If breakfast doesn’t make a reappearance, it’ll be a damn miracle. 

Shepard drives like a lunatic under the best of circumstances. She’s the only person I’ve ever known who believes driving up and down the sheer face of mountains on alien worlds is the right way to drive. Virmire is a tropical planet that forces us to drive on sandy beaches and travel upstream around rock projections. Plus, we have Geth shooting at us from around every corner. 

Virmire is far from the best of circumstances. 

“Shit, Shepard, you almost threw me through the window,” I grumble at her, pulling myself back into the cabin of the tank after taking out a Geth Rocket Trooper. 

“Quit your whining. I haven’t even hit anything!” she protests. Almost immediately, she jerks the Mako on a hard right, and the passenger side of the tank lifts so that I have to grab the bar to keep from slamming into her. Shepard laughs. “You two look like you might shit yourselves.” 

“I’m more likely to choke on the overwhelming stench of Alpha Turian in here,” Wrex growls from the back seat. “We take something with more windows after the next time you two were rubbing all over each other.” 

“What?” Shepard demands indignantly, her voice going into a squeaky octave I’ve never heard before. “I took a shower!” Laughter explodes almost from my toes, and it earns me a sideways smirk from the fearless Spectre with a bright blush on her cheeks. “Shut up and kill more Geth, Vakarian.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

*****

“Hey, Wrex, wanna make this more interesting?” 

I balk at the ballsy Turian beside me. “You’re going to, what, bet on this?” It doesn’t seem like the time. Especially if they’re going to keep crying every time I make a sharp turn. 

“What do you have in mind, Vakarian?” Wrex asks, firing his shotgun through the window.

“Kill count. Highest by the time we reach the Salarian camp wins. The usual stakes.” 

“What are the usual stakes?” I ask, unable to help myself. Wrex laughs at me, and I try not to notice the smug smirk from Garrus. He knew, of course, that I would be interested. “Just tell me the stakes so I can decide if it’s worth kicking your asses.” 

“Bottle of ryncol, Shepard, and that shit is pure poison for humans. Even if you win, you’d lose.” 

“Whatever. You’re both lucky I’m driving.” 

They laugh at me before leaning back through their respective windows to take out the Geth Rocket Troopers, Assault Drones, and Juggernauts facing us. I manage to take a couple turns much tighter than I actually need to as punishment, though I’ll never admit to that if they ask. 

“We’re gonna need to come back to this planet for shore leave sometime,” I muse, mostly just thinking out loud. “The beaches are kind of beautiful.” 

“You like beaches?” Garrus asks, coming back in to reload and fiddle with his scope while we have a moment between enemies. 

“I love them,” I answer with a nod, feeling nostalgia grow in my chest. “Mindoir only had a lake, but I loved the beaches on it. And with oceans, it’s even better.” 

Garrus makes a soft humming noise, and I assume he’s a little too busy to actually be listening, so I’m surprised when he asks, “What do you like most about them? The water or...it’s sand, right?”

“Sand usually, yes. And I guess the water is. Although…” I fade off and smile, really wishing I could pull over and take some time here. “I think my favorite thing is the sound waves make when they break. Especially on rocks.” Another soft humming noise and I glance over to find him gazing out over the water. “What about you? Do you like beaches?”

Garrus gives a laugh. “Shepard, Turians avoid large bodies of water at all costs. We can’t swim.” 

“Really?”

“Does that surprise you?” he chuckles. “I weigh almost three hundred pounds in heavy plates and muscle, and our carapaces are metal. Plus, our mouths don’t actually close completely like yours, so...drowning and all that.”

“I can see how that would be an issue with water,” I allow. “You don’t actually have to swim to enjoy a beach, though. We’ll go together some time, you’ll see.” I can feel Garrus’ eyes on me immediately, and I try not to blush or smile. I know why he’s surprised by that, and I know Wrex heard, but I don’t care. I’d love to get back to a beach, and there’s no one else I’d rather be with than my best friend. 

“As much as I’d love to spend the time with you, maybe we can go somewhere else,” he mutters, anxiously looking out at the waves below us. It’s almost amusing to see Garrus nervous about something; he’s always so damn brave. 

Wrex has to start shooting through the window again, giving us a moment of privacy. “Garrus...do you know what a bikini is?”

“Yeah, sure, Asari strippers wear them.” 

I shudder a little. “Let’s not talk about how you know that. Anyway...you may want to reconsider the whole beach thing. Human women often wear bikinis on beaches.” 

“You would...you, in a bikini?” I glance over at him, finding bright blue eyes scanning me with interest and heat. “Shepard, pull over, and let’s go to the beach. Screw Saren, it’ll be fine.” 

My head falls back as laughter erupts from deep within me. He seems rather pleased with himself when I’m wiping tears away by the time we reach a gate. We have to get out to clear it, fighting through a small unit of Geth, and I swear there’s a smile on the sniper’s face the whole damn time. 

It’s much the same when we get back into the Mako and drive through to the other side of the area, fighting through just as many Geth to reach a second gate. Again, I give the order to clear all the rooms after the Geth are down, just in case there’s something here worth knowing. 

“Hey, I got something Commander,” Garrus calls from a back room. I head that way, Wrex’s footsteps pounding heavily behind me on the concrete. “The AA towers are controlled from here. I think I can disable them remotely.” 

“Looks pretty complicated,” I admit. 

“These systems are really all the same once you know the basics,” Garrus tells me confidently, typing on one of the consoles. I can see the others all start to light up with the same screen, so I assume he’s on the right track. “Someday, I can show you how, if you want.” 

“Teach me how to hack?”

He laughs. “It’s illegal when you say it like that, Shepard.” 

“Ah, I forget that you’re the perfect example of a cop,” I tease him, making a mental note to take him up on the offer. If Garrus wasn’t here right now, Wrex and I would have no way to disarm the AA towers unless we waited for someone with hacking skills or went in guns blazing and did it the hard way. It makes me feel less capable, helpless; a feeling I really hate. 

“Hey, was that the work of Super Nerd?” Joker asks, coming over our Comms. 

“Does that mean it worked?” 

“Sure does, I’m reading that the grid is down, Commander. I’m on approach to the Salarian base now. Out.” He’s gone, and we’re on the final stretch to reunite with the Normandy, to figure out what happened to the Council’s infiltration team and whether or not they can help us with Saren. 

It’s not much longer before we get to the camp, but the good news doesn’t last long. Joker comes back to tell us that the Normandy is grounded, but he’s unclear about why. All we know is that a Salarian Captain is waiting for us. 

“Salarians,” Wrex grumbles. “My clan battlemasters are rolling in their graves with me going to rescue a bunch of damned Salarians. It’s bad enough I’m working with a Turian.” 

“You love me, and you know it,” Garrus teases. 

“Either way, just cool it on the xenophobia, Wrex,” I advise. “I have enough to deal with from Williams. I need you to behave.” 

Wrex barks out a laugh. “Shepard, I never behave, and that’s why you wanted me for the squad in the first place.” 

I can’t help laughing and don’t dare deny that, rolling my eyes instead. Whether or not he complains about the mission, Wrex gets out of the Mako with us when we finally reach the beach. He chooses to hang back instead of following me to the Salarian talking to Ashley and Kaidan, but I don’t mind. 

“You’ve been gone for two minutes, and the Alliance wonder twins took over,” Garrus quips as we approach them. I punch his arm playfully, but we both try not to laugh as we reach the trio. 

“So, what are we supposed to do now?” Ashley’s annoyed demand takes me out of my thoughts. 

“Stay put until we can come up with a plan,” the Salarian responds. His dismissive tone doesn’t thrill me either, so I step ahead of Kaidan and Ashley, coming in front of the Salarian. 

“Are you in charge here?” I ask him. “What’s the situation?”

The Salarian takes a brief glance at the insignia on my arms and then straights a bit, his shoulders pulling back even though he outranks me. “I’m Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment, STG.” I try not to react to that but can feel my brow arch; he’s a spy. “You and your crew have landed in the middle of a hot zone. Every AA gun within 10 miles has been alerted to your presence.” 

“What would you have us do then?”

Kirrahe gives a nod and responds, “We will all wait here until the Council sends the reinforcements that we requested.” 

Oh, boy. I blink and turn to glance at Garrus, who has his plates raised in a look that mirrors how I feel. It’s Kaidan who finds his voice first, though he sounds unsure. “We are the reinforcements,” he informs the STG leader. 

Kirrahe blinks large liquid eyes at us. “What? You’re all they sent? I told the Council to send a fleet.” 

It strikes me that something significant must be going on here if he thought they needed that much help. “When the Council couldn’t understand your message, they sent me to investigate.” I extend my hand toward him, letting Kirrahe grip my forearm and doing the same to him. “I’m Commander Shepard, Council Spectre.” 

“Shepard...yes, Spectre and much more,” he breathes, blinking rapidly. Clearly, he’s heard of me; this reaction always makes me feel weird. He recovers and then shakes his head. “Unfortunately, an investigation is a repetition of our task. I lost half my men investigating this place.” 

“So, what have you found?” I only become aware of how close to me Kaidan is standing when he speaks, the armor on his shoulder brushing mine. It doesn’t bother me much that Kaidan is asking questions, but I hate how possessive it feels to have him so close. 

All that flies right out of my head when Kirrahe answers the question. “This is Saren’s base of operations. He’s set up a research facility here. It’s crawling with Geth and very well fortified.” 

That gets all of us perked up, and I notice Garrus shift closer, still holding his sniper rifle. It’s as much pacifier as it is weapon or protection, I know. “Is Saren here? Have you seen him?”

“No,” Kirrahe answers. “But his Geth are everywhere, and we’ve intercepted some comms referring to Saren directly. This is his facility, there’s no doubt about that.” 

It’s enough information for me to become very interested in finding out what’s going on here. Saren sends his Geth to protect important assets, like with Benezia and Therum, and he often follows them; he was on Feron himself. If there’s any chance that Saren is here, we need to be ready. 

“Do you know what Saren is researching?” Liara asks, probably already excited about getting back into her Prothean research element. 

Kirrahe gives a harsh exhale. “He’s using the facility to breed an army of Krogan.” 

“How is that possible?” Wrex growls from behind me, giving voice to what I imagine all of us are thinking. What kind of idiot would raise an army of almost unstoppable and certainly uncontrollable Krogan warriors?

Kirrahe looks entirely uncomfortable like he’d rather be anywhere else, when he answers, “Apparently...Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage.” 

“Skipper, this is bad,” Ashley pipes up before I can even process what he just said to me. I’m pretty certain my mouth is still hanging open when I look to her. “The Geth are bad enough, but a Krogan army? Saren would be almost unstoppable.” 

“Exactly my thoughts,” Kirrahe agrees. “We must ensure that this facility and whatever research or results may be in there are destroyed.” 

I wince and can hear Garrus scoff from beside me, both of us certain of what comes next before it happens. “Destroyed?” Wrex snaps, stepping forward so that now he’s standing beside me. Garrus comes closer, taking his place beside his friend. Or maybe at my side. I’m not sure who he’s there to protect at the moment. “I don’t think so. Our people are dying, and this cure can save them.” 

“If that cure leaves this planet, the Krogan will become unstoppable,” Kirrahe argues. “We can’t make the same mistake again.” 

Garrus doesn’t make any effort to stop Wrex when he marches forward, standing so close to the Salarian that he could bite him. Kirrahe looks terrified, but, to his credit, he doesn’t move away. “We are not a mistake,” Wrex snarls, deep and dangerous, before turning to march away. 

I watch him go, passing the Salarian tents and moving to the other side of the beach. No one dares to get in his way, but I can feel my heart aching for him. For his people. 

“Is he going to be a problem?” Kirrahe asks. “We have enough angry Krogan to deal with already.” 

I don’t like a stranger talking about a member of my team like that, but I don’t address it right now. “He’ll be fine. I’ll talk to him.” 

“I appreciate that, Commander. My men and I need to rethink our plan of attack, now that we know the fleet isn’t coming. Can you give us some time?”

I nod to Kirrahe. “Go ahead. I’ll come back and see what you all have decided.” I take a breath as the Salarian heads over to the rest of his team, feeling my stress levels rise again. Why is nothing ever simple when I’m around?

“Looks like things are a bit of a mess,” Kaidan notes, almost whining. Just barely not whining. Or maybe that’s how he always talks, but I only notice when I’m stressed and annoyed.

“Yeah,” Ashley agrees. “I wouldn’t be so worried if it wasn’t for Wrex. He looks like he’s gonna blow a gasket.” She’s watching her teammate pace along the beach, and I’m impressed that she doesn’t look annoyed or judgmental. 

I don’t particularly want their council, though, so I start on my way toward Wrex. The Krogan has made himself the first part of my mission and, all things considered, he deserves my attention. I catch Garrus’ eye and can tell that he wants to join me but feels unsure. I appreciate the concern, but it’s unfounded; I motion with my head for him to follow me. 

“You want me to try and talk to the tank?” he offers. “I know you can handle it, and Wrex trusts you, but he and I go pretty far back.” 

From anyone else, I might wonder if he’s undermining me. I know that if Kaidan made this offer, it would be because he thinks he needs to protect me. With Garrus, I know that he wants what’s best for me, but that he’s also thinking of Wrex and the mission. 

“You know, it’s really nice not to have to doubt myself with you, big guy.” Garrus looks down at me and seems confused by that since it’s out of context for him. I don’t explain. “I appreciate the offer, and I know your heart is in the right place. But I need to handle this.” 

“Anything I can do?” he asks as we get close. Wrex is growling so loudly that we can hear it even from several yards away.

I trust Wrex, but I’m pretty sure he could snap me in half. “Why don’t you stay nearby? Just in case.” 

“Aye, Commander. But you don’t need it.” Garrus pauses to wait, giving me a little distance with Wrex. I stop only long enough to give two quick raps of my fist on Garrus’ chest before heading down the beach to fight the Krogan. 

“This isn’t right, Shepard,” he shouts as I approach, hearing me coming. “If there’s a cure for the genophage, we can’t destroy it.” 

I hold up my hands with my palms facing him, trying to convey the message that I’m here in pace. I like to think he knows that, but I’m not taking chances with someone this angry. “Easy, Wrex. I’m not the enemy here. Saren is the one you should be mad at.” 

That gets Wrex to stop pacing, but now he storms into my face. “Really? Saren created a cure for my people, and you want to destroy it.” He throws his arms up. “Help me out here, Shepard. The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurry from where I stand.” 

“What?” I demand, unable to keep from scoffing at him. “You can’t be serious, Wrex. This isn’t a cure, it’s a weapon. If Saren is allowed to use it, you won’t be around to reap the benefits. None of us will.” 

“That’s a chance we should be willing to take!” he shouts, leaning even closer. I shake my head, and my arms cross over my chest naturally, my brain spinning for a way to make him understand. “This is the fate of my entire people we’re talking about. If you can’t give me a better reason to destroy the hopes of my people, I’m done.” 

I see Wrex go for his weapon and feel my fingers twitch, an instinct to reach for my pistol ingrained in me. I take a breath and fight the urge, leaving my hands at my sides when very suddenly I’m staring down the business end of a shotgun with my friend behind it. From the corner of my eye, I can see Garrus with his sniper rifle leveled at his friend. I know he’ll take the shot the moment he thinks he needs to. My archangel. It makes me feel safe and swamped with guilt at the same time.

“Wrex. Listen to me,” I plead with him, keeping my voice calm. “I hate what was done to the Krogan. The genophage is disgusting, a true fuck-up by both the Salarians and the Turians. There is no excuse for what happened to you, it was a war crime plain and simple. But this - ” 

“Shepard, how can you not see what this means to the Krogan? This base can’t be destroyed!” 

“Those Krogan are slaves, Wrex, puppets for a power-hungry Turian. Tools to be used and discarded. Is that really what you want for your people? Is that the freedom, the future you want?”

I’m shouting by the end of it, though I never meant to raise my voice. Wrex seems just as surprised by it as I feel, and we hold strong, neither of us moving for a long moment. My heart pounds the whole time, and I can only breathe again when the Krogan starts to lower his gun. 

“No,” he answers, voice lower though I can still see he’s breathing hard. “We were tools for the Council once, and to thank us for wiping out the Rachni, they neutered us all. I doubt Saren will be any more generous.” Finally, he holsters his gun and straightens. “Alright, Shepard. I don’t like this, but...you’ve done a lot for me. More than my own family. I trust you enough to follow your lead.” 

“Good enough for me.” I extend my hand, and Wrex grasps my forearm immediately. 

“Just one thing.” He yanks me a little closer. “When we find Saren, I want his head.” 

I laugh, relieved that at least one thing has gone right today. “Wrex, I’ll have it stuffed for ya.” 

The Krogan laughs at that and nods before releasing me. “Oh, and thanks for not letting your Turian shoot me.” 

“Maybe next time,” Garrus teases as we walk toward him, the sniper rifle back on his shoulder where it belongs. I’m glad it didn’t come to shots or blows, but I won’t discount the gravity of what just happened. Garrus put a good friend of his in the crosshairs for me. 

Once again, he’s proved his totally unfaltering loyalty. Things may not go right on missions often, but I’m damn lucky to have him. 

I can’t say all of that right now, so I just flash Garrus a smile that I hope he can understand. The sexy little wink I get in return says enough. I head back toward the Salarian tents, Garrus and Wrex making heavy footsteps in the sand behind me. 

“I agree with her, you know,” Garrus tells Wrex. I’m not far enough ahead that they should assume it’s a private conversation, so I don’t keep myself from listening. “About the genophage being a mistake. I know that I’m Turian but...it never should have happened, and I hate it. Just need you to know that.” 

“I knew it,” Wrex grumbles back. “You’re a good man. A terrible Turian and too damn pretty for your own good, but one hell of a friend.” 

I have to fight the smile off my face, shaking my head as I leave them and approach Kirrahe again. He’s back with Kaidan and Ashley; I hope these two didn’t say anything stupid - or offensive in Ashley’s case - while I was gone. 

“Thank you for speaking with the Krogan,” Kirrahe offers. “The assault on Saren’s base will be difficult enough as it is.” 

“His name is Wrex, and I always take responsibility for my team.” Let the Salarian do what that what he will. I want to like this guy, but I won’t tolerate his prejudice, especially against a friend of mine. “Anyway. I assume you have a plan.” 

The Salarian sighs. “Of sorts. We can convert our ship’s drive system into a 20 kiloton ordinance. Crude, but effective.” 

Damn. Pays to have some Salarian genius around, no doubt about that.

“Nice,” Ashley chimes in, reading my mind. “Drop that nuke from orbit, and Saren can kiss his Turian ass goodbye.” I turn to look at her, not bothering to hide my annoyance, and she instantly shrinks back. She knows damn well what the look is for. “Or...just his ass. Sorry.” 

“Unfortunately, the facility is too well fortified for that,” Kirrahe notes, oblivious to the rest of our exchange. “We need to place the bomb on the far side of the facility, where it can do the most damage while we escape. Your ship can drop it off, but we’ll need to infiltrate the base, disable the AA guns, and pacify any ground forces first.” 

“You want us to go in on foot?” Kaidan demands. “We don’t have enough men.” 

“Not to take them head-on,” Garrus agrees as he approaches, likely having heard the whole conversation with his super hearing. “We could find a way to work around that, though.” 

Kirrahe nods and seems pleased with the Turian. “Exactly. I’ll divide my men into three teams and hit the front of the facility. While we have their attention, you can sneak a shadow team into the back.” 

“It’s a good idea, but your people are going to get slaughtered,” I note. It’s a suicide mission if I ever heard one, and I’m really not a big fan of those. Especially when some people seem so damn eager. 

“We’re tougher than we look, Commander.” He says it confidently but then adds, “It’s true, though. I don’t expect many of us will make it out alive. And that makes what I’m going to ask even more difficult. I need one of your men to accompany me and help coordinate the teams.” 

I balk at the suggestion even as the rational part of my brain knows that he’s right. It’s only logical. Hell, it’s only fair. It’s not like this mission belongs only to the Salarians; taking out Saren is primarily my task. 

The words have barely been spoken before Kaidan and Ashley have their feet in their mouths. “I volunteer, Commander,” Kaidan pipes up.

“Not so fast, LT,” Ashley interrupts him. “Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke - someone who knows Alliance protocol will have to if we’re going to detonate it from the Normandy. I’ll go with the Salarians.” 

Kaidan sounds agitated when he responds, “With all due respect, Gunnery Chief, it’s not your place to decide.” I can hear that he’s annoyed, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it has to do with being questioned in front of me. It makes me wonder if he only volunteered at all to prove something. 

“Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect,' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?” Ashley demands, throwing her hands up. Garrus chuckles softly at that while Kirrahe waits patiently. I take a breath to make the decision. 

Ashley is right about the nuke. I need one of them to go with the Salarians and the other to help with the nuke. Kaidan has more technical skills, but Ashley isn’t ill-equipped, and she won’t have to do more than access a blast sequence on Alliance channels. She’s better in combat, but...she’s also Ashley. 

I turn around to face them. “Williams, you’ve been trying on board - I can see that. But I’m not ready to trust you with an alien crew when I’m not around. You’re helping with the nuke.” 

The brunette soldier opens her mouth like she wants to argue, but she quickly and wisely closes it. “Aye aye, Skipper.” 

“Kaidan, you’ll go with the Salarian unit. You are not a martyr, Kaidan,” I tell him, just as firmly. “If you volunteered for this to prove something personal...you’re making a mistake.” I don’t want to call him out in public, but I watch hazel eyes closely to try and see the message get through. Instead, he just nods enthusiastically and salutes me. 

“Good,” Kirrahe says. “I’ll have the ordinance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation protocol.” 

He heads away, and Ashley follows him. I catch Garrus’ eye, and he motions me closer, which I don’t even think to ignore. “Shepard, if you’re worried about Kaidan with the Salarians, I can go,” he offers, clearly trying to avoid looking like he’s questioning my decision. The moment I consider his offer, my chest constricts tightly. 

“I appreciate that, Garrus, but I…” The words get stuck in my throat, and I consider swallowing them back down. I remember my promise to be honest with him, to force myself to grow up emotionally and stop hurting him. He deserves at least that. “I don’t want to fight without you on my six. And...if I’m being honest? I can’t send you up against odds like that, Garrus. I just...I couldn’t handle it.” 

I manage the words, but I can’t look at him when I say the last part. Even the idea of Garrus heading off on what sounds barely this side of reckless as far as plans go makes me feel choked up. I don’t plan to lose anyone on my team today, but I won’t risk losing Garrus. 

“Hey.” I look up at the sound of his voice, impossibly blue eyes piercing me. He doesn’t say anything, just smiles and tucks a hair behind my ear, catching the lobe gently between armored fingers as his hand falls away. It says more than either of us could at this moment. 

I follow his gaze when he pulls away, Liara and Tali approaching us now. “The Salarian Captain is talking as though he doesn’t anticipate surviving this mission,” Liara notes, her hands fidgeting. It makes me nervous when someone with a gun fidgets but the Asari doesn’t much use her guns anyway. “I admit I don’t like that.” 

“Ah, come on, we’ve been up against worse,” Garrus, notes, keeping his voice light and teasing. “You escaped that floating Prothean jail thing after all.” 

“Yeah, and you survived that traumatic little bump on your head,” Tali teases him right back. Garrus accepts the whole thing good-naturedly and laughs. 

“Hey, that reminds me.” I elbow my sniper and give him as serious a look as I can imagine. “No playing hero today. Every damn one of us is going home when this is done, understand?” 

“Aye, Commander,” he responds quickly even though I can tell he’s still teasing me.

“Shepard?” I turn toward Kaidan, finding him wide-eyed and sad-faced. Although I think he just about always looks like this, at least around me. I’m not sure the guy has ever really smiled at me now that I think about it. “Can we talk for a moment? Alone?” 

Instantly, I’m aware that Garrus goes stiff beside me, and I itch to touch him, to comfort him, and assure that he’s got nothing to worry about. That’s definitely new for me; not wanting to deal with jealousy or drama is a big reason I’ve refused to be involved with any crew members or fellow soldiers in the past. With Garrus...it’s kind of sexy that he’s so territorial. 

Of course, it’s far less hot knowing that I’ve given him a reason to doubt whether I’ll be loyal to him. Telling him now has to wait, though, and I have to hope that everything we’ve done counts for something. Ignoring Kaidan right now isn’t going to be an option. 

“Sure, Kaidan.” We head off together, and I notice almost immediately how close to me the lieutenant is walking beside me, but I really don’t know how to step away without making it look weird. I stop as soon as I think we’re far enough to suggest we have some privacy...though I’m fairly certain Garrus and Wrex could hear us anywhere on the beach. 

“It’s weird going under someone else’s command,” Kaidan tells me, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve gotten so used to working with you.” 

“It’s temporary, Kaidan, and we’re all still on the same mission,” I assure him. I get that. I remember the first time I was assigned to a unit with someone other than Captain Anderson. It almost felt like I was betraying my mentor; I’m certainly not that for Kaidan, but I see why it still feels weird for him. 

“Yeah, well. Listen...I Just wanted to say that he’s been an honor serving with you, Commander.” 

Ah, crap. One glance at Kaidan now, and I know he’s hoping that this will be a special sort of moment between us. Facing down death, he’s hoping it’s enough for me to magically form feelings for him. The guy is on a risky part of our mission today, and part of me doesn’t want to hurt him right now. Breaking his heart will probably be bad for morale. 

The other part of me knows that his feelings aren’t my responsibility. I don’t have to lie or pretend just because he’s got a crush. And creating hope for him is going to blow up in our faces. 

“It doesn’t matter if we’re not in the same unit, we’re still a team,” I assure him. It’s my instinct to touch him for comfort, but I hold back; he’ll take it the wrong way. “Keep your eyes open, fight like I know you can, and we’ll all watch each other’s back. We’ll come out of this in one piece.” 

“Commander.” I turn at the sound of Ashley’s voice, and she waves us over to where the Salarian troops seem to be gathering with Kirrahe. By the time I reach them, Kirrahe is emphatically repeating something about holding the line. Whatever he’s said, it works to get his unit revved up. 

“That was a lot more impressive than I was expecting,” Garrus admits when he’s done; the others agree with him, and I’m actually kind of sad I missed the speech. Too late now, we have to get to work. 

“Alright, let’s keep things tight today,” I tell my group, definitely not about to make a speech. “If Saren is really here, this might be our best chance. Tali and Garrus, you’re on me for the shadow squad.” 

“No, problem,” Shepard,” Tali chirps. 

“Aye, Commander,” comes the response from Garrus. The others confirm as well, prepared to get back to the Normandy and wait for their next orders. I imagine everyone knew I’d choose them since Tali is my go-to for Geth, and Garrus is just my go-to, but I appreciate everyone taking it as an order anyway. 

The Salarians leave with Kaidan for the frontal assault, and I take my crew around to the rear of the building. All the waiting around, talking, and planning this morning has me on edge. It’s time to get to work. With my hands on my weapons, with some control and a direction, I can make things happen.


	14. Bombs & Betrayal

This facility is a nightmare. Saren is into something horrible now. 

We find the men that the Salarian unit lost, all of them in cages and most turned into mindless husks. We manage to talk to one, only to find out that Saren is using something called indoctrination to control people, to turn them into slaves. I make a mental note to let Wrex watch what I’m recording on my visor later so that he can thank Shepard for not letting this happen to him and the rest of the Krogan people. 

Shepard makes the decision to release the captive Salarians and give them a chance to run before the bomb goes off. Just one is still competent enough to escape; of the remaining, half just stand around staring at walls, and the other half attack us, so they end up dead anyway. It all just ends up being a drain on our morale and whatever positive adrenaline we had starting this thing. 

I feel sick by the time we get into the elevator, but angrier than anything else. Angrier than I can remember being in a long time. Saren has turned on the galaxy, that’s for damn sure. 

“I can’t decide what’s worse,” I growl, smacking the console for the elevator to start moving. “The idea that Saren is indoctrinated and has no control over himself or the thought that he’s not being controlled and has made a choice to be this monster.” 

“There is no better option,” Tali breathes, leaning against the wall. “That was...horrible.” 

I can tell she’s hurting and hope for the sake of my friend that we’re finished running into cages full of enslaved, mind-controlled Salarians for the day. I get my wish, in a way, when we step out of the elevator only to find ourselves in the center of a research area. 

Krogan scientists, of all things, have Salarians strapped into machines at various stages of indoctrination. Every last one of them - Krogan and Salarian - starts shooting at us when we appear, and it’s a pleasure to kill everyone in the room. 

“OK, let’s regroup for a minute here,” Shepard says, stopping Tali and me before we leave the room to continue through the facility. “It’s been a crappy enough day already, and God knows what’s left in this hell hole, so take a second. Take a breath. I know you’re both frustrated.” 

“You did the right thing down there, Shepard. That helps,” Tali tells her confidently. 

“Agreed. We couldn’t leave them in cages to deal with the explosions, not when there was any chance.” I shrug and add, “Even though some of them died anyway. What matters is the choices we made. Or, well, you made. You know what I mean.” 

I can tell she understands I’m referring to what happened with Dr. Saleon, what she taught me about choices and responding to other people’s behavior, by the way she smiles and nods. We assure her that we’re good to go, and Shepard seems better too, so we head through the doors and end up on a bridge guarded by a couple of Geth troopers. They go down easy, and we get to the other side, moving through a door into what looks like an office. 

Things don’t get much better inside with an Asari named Rana Thanopolis, helping us understand indoctrination a little better. Unfortunately, she also says that the mind control comes from Saren’s ship, Sovereign, and that doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. I notice Shepard glance at me when Rana tells us Saren is scared the indoctrination is starting to affect him, and I try not to be annoyed with myself for letting her get distracted by emotions. I try, and I fail. 

“OK, Rana,” Shepard tells the Asari calmly. “I’m gonna blow this place to hell and gone. If you want to make it out alive, you’d better start running now.” 

The Asari sputters for a moment, clearly shocked, before she runs screaming out through the way we came. Shepard tries to hide the little smirk on her face, but this time, she fails. “You enjoyed that, Commander,” I tease her. 

She flashes a wink that is far sexier than it has any business being and then motions for us all to head for the elevator. Rana said that it would take us to Saren’s private lab, so we steel ourselves on the way. I have no idea what we’re walking into...or if I’m prepared to face Saren in person yet. 

We’re released into an office on multiple floors that are connected by metal ramps. There are a number of machines and various consoles on both levels. All the tech doesn’t surprise me; Saren was always into engineering and technology, so much that he encouraged my own interest. Something on the lower level catches my eye, and it takes me a moment, but then I realize I recognize it from the images on the reports from Eden Prime. 

“Commander, check this out,” I call to her. “It’s another beacon.” 

Shepard and Tali follow me down the ramp, but the damn redhead keeps walking when we pause, heading right for the thing. “Shepard!” Tali cries out, realizing the same thing. 

She turns around and actually appears confused; I almost laugh. “Shepard, have you forgotten what happened to you the last time you were close to one of these?”

“He’s right, Shepard. We read the reports, and we really can’t afford for you to pass out here,” Tali chimes in. 

Of course, Shepard barely pauses for a beat before waving her hand casually. “It’s fine,” she tells us as if she can see into the future. Or like she can’t see what it would do to me - and to Tali - if something happened to her. “Just...stand back.” 

“Oh, we have to stand back because it might be dangerous, but she’s fine,” I quip, crossing my arms over my chest and taking a stubborn stance. “Makes perfect sense.” 

Shepard laughs and rolls her eyes at me. “You should consider a career change, big guy. Comedy is waiting for you.” 

Tali barks out a laugh, and I just shake my head at her, trying my hardest not to be sick with worry. I can tell that Shepard recognizes how nervous I am, and I know the little nod she gives me is supposed to be comforting. I’m not going to feel better until she gets the hell away from that beacon and doesn’t look back. 

She steps closer instead, and the thing springs to life, almost as if it recognizes her. At another time or with another person, I’d be fascinated by the response of the machine and the way it glows. Right now, I’m on the balls of my feet and ready for anything. 

I hear her gasp and watch Shepard go ramrod straight, her entire body stiff and frozen like something has grabbed her. It’s a split second before I react, and in that second, Shepard is released. She stumbles as I get to her, and I catch her easily, bringing her into my chest to keep her standing. 

“Damn it,” she growls, leaning into me. 

“What? Did you see something?” Tali presses. 

“I saw the same damn thing I always see. Nothing different, nothing more - just that vision of the war with the Protheans.” She steps back from me a little and looks at the beacon with a glare now. “I have no idea what these things want me to see or what I’m missing.” 

She looks frustrated with the tech, but I can tell Shepard is really blaming herself. She feels like she’s failing in some way that’s preventing her from seeing or understanding more. It probably doesn’t help that every time Liara digs around in her brain, they come up with nothing. Shepard is someone who needs to fix a problem, and this problem feels just out of reach, making her frustration tangible. 

“We’ll figure it out,” I promise. “We keep working at it, we’ll find the missing pieces and get answers.” 

Shepard hesitates for a second and then nods, choosing either to believe for me or actually believing me. I’m not asking questions. 

“Hey, look. Something is happening with the main console.” We join Tali and walk back up the ramp, going to the console at the very end of the platform. 

As we approach, it lights up, and my stomach sinks when I recognize the image of Saren’s ship, several feet long and glowing red. “This is not good,” I mutter, assuming we’ve triggered some kind of alarm. The layout of this room doesn’t provide a lot of good vantage points for fighting, so when Saren busts in here, we’re going to need to act fast.

“You are not Saren,” a deep, somewhat mechanical voice booms at us. It feels like it’s coming from the image, not from the console. 

“What the Spirits is that?” I demand, examining the console quickly for a way to turn it off. “Some kind of VI projection?”

Tali joins in beside me, also apparently confused. “I don’t think so. It’s not connected to the room - not in here anyway.” 

“Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh,” the image speaks. “You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, and incapable of understanding.” 

I straighten, totally taken aback, and turn to Tali, who - I think - looks just as shocked. Shepard laughs from behind us. “Whatever it is, it’s very rude.” 

“There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own, you cannot even imagine it.” The voice doesn’t sound like a robot, the way the VIs on the Citadel or Normandy do. “I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign.” 

“Oh, shit,” Tali breathes, swearing in a common language for the first time as far as I know. In another moment, it might be funny. 

“Jesus,” Shepard mutters in the exact same tone. I’m not sure if that’s a human swear word or not, but it feels oddly appropriate. “Sovereign isn’t just a Reaper ship Saren found. It’s an actual Reaper.” 

My mind had been headed in the same direction, but hearing the word sends my anxiety spiking, and I push Tali to back up with me, grabbing Shepard’s arm on the way to pull her back and create some distance from the console. Shepard gives me a look, but I don’t back down, raising my brow plates at her. “It feels like standing really close to the mind control machine might not be wise.” 

“Reaper,” Sovereign repeats, spitting out the word. “A label chosen by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they choose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are.” The thing spends the next several minutes insulting us, insulting all organic species and even the now-extinct Protheans. It speaks in a somewhat cryptic way about a cycle, building organics up onto to destroy them again later and using the technology of the mass relays to control our evolution. 

It speaks with finality as if everything that has happened and everything that is yet to come is simply inevitable.

“They’re harvesting us,” I realize, listening to Sovereign say that our existence is allowed by the Reapers, and our lifetime is finite. “They let us advance to the level they need and then wipe us out.” 

“What do you want from us?” Shepard asks it. “Slaves? Resources?”

“Our kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation, independent and free of all weakness,” Sovereign responds. “You cannot even grasp the nature of our existence.” Its tone tells me that it’s spitting on the idea very idea of needing something from organics. All they want is our death, our total destruction.

“You had to come from somewhere. Did someone build you?” Tali asks. It doesn’t surprise me that she’s managing to think logically right now. 

“We have no beginning, we have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure.” 

“And you’re doing all of this alone?” I ask it, determined that most of this is hubris. There is no way one machine can wipe out the galaxy, even with the help of a deranged Turian and the Geth. 

Sovereign squashes that, too. “We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom.” 

Now he’s mostly just pissing me off, and I can feel Shepard getting angry beside me, too. She takes a bold step forward and stares the thing down with a glare that would melt anything that wasn’t the projected image of a machine. “You’re not even alive, not really. You’re just a machine. And machines can be broken.” 

Pride swells in my chest. This woman backs down from nothing. 

“Your words are as empty as your future.” I can hear the anger rising in Sovereign’s voice for the first time, as much as it might pretend to be unaffected by us. “I am the vanguard of your destruction.” 

With that, he’s gone, and we’re all just left staring at the empty space above the console. 

There’s a second of silence and then a blast from outside, the windows exploding in and sending shards of glass flying everywhere. I duck my head and slide behind both Tali and Shepard, trying to let most of the blow hit me since my armor is thicker. It settles quickly like nothing happened at all. 

“Well, I did not like that guy,” I announce, brushing glass off of me. 

“Commander?” Joker’s voice breaks over our comms. “We’ve got trouble!” 

“He has no idea,” Tali mumbles.

Shepard chuckles softly. “Hit me, Joker.” 

“That ship, Sovereign. It’s moving. I don’t know what you did down there, but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half. It’s coming your way, and it’s coming hard. You need to wrap things up in there, fast!” 

By the time Joker is done, we’re already racing toward the elevator. “We’re on our way to the facility. You just be ready to pick us up after we set off the nuke.” Joker doesn’t confirm, which is odd for him. Shepard must think so too because she calls his name again. “Joker? Joker, do you read me?” 

“Garrus.” 

The voice that comes over our comms, that reaches our entire team, does not belong to our pilot or any other member of the Normandy. My feet stop cold, and my heart nearly does, too. Shepard stops just as quickly, turning to stare up at me. 

I greet the voice and answer her unspoken question in one word: “Saren.” 

“Garrus, listen to me,” Saren urges. “It doesn’t have to be like this. Me and you, we’ve always been a team. I taught you everything you know, Pup.” 

The words feel like a smack in the face, but hearing him use a pet name reserved for family and the people closest to me is painful right down to my soul. 

“Don’t you dare.” The words come out in barely a whisper, my voice caught in the torrent of emotions raging through me. 

“There is so much more going on than you realize, Garrus, and you can be a part of it. We can - “ 

“Shut up,” I snarl, my hands starting to shake as rage courses hot and heavy through me. “How could you think I’d be stupid enough to trust you after what you did?”

Saren laughs, the sound empty of humor and much harsher than any I’ve heard from him before. “What I did? Please. We both know you might have started this because of Nihlus, but now you can’t see the truth because you’re too tied up in that human. Probably literally, knowing you.” 

“Get him out of the comms,” Shepard whispers to Tali. She rests her hand on my chest, and I know instantly that she’s not upset about what he’s said or who heard it...only that he’s trying to hurt me.

“I see the truth, Saren,” I assure the person I used to know on the other end, covering Shepard’s hand with mine. “The truth is that you’re a barefaced traitor, a scared little bitch who has to send Geth to do his dirty work and shoot real men in the back. The truth is that I will avenge Nihlus with a bullet in your head, and I’ll look you in the fucking eye when I do it.” 

I hear a faint click over the pounding of my own heart, and Tali says over the comms, “I got him out.” 

“Back with us, Joker?” Shepard checks, her hand still under mine. I know she can feel the thunder in my chest, a growl combining with my rapid heartbeat. She doesn’t comment on it. 

“Yes, ma’am. I was there the whole time, he just had control,” he tells us. “Good for you, big guy.” 

“Hell yeah,” a voice I recognize as belonging to Ashley Williams chimes in, coming over loud and clear even with gunshots in the background. “That was badass, Vakarian. Way to tell him.” Tali nods and slaps my shoulder before walking ahead of us to the elevator. It must have been something if even Ashley is praising me, but I don’t share their celebratory mood. 

“You OK?” Shepard asks, a twinkle in her eyes while she checks to make sure we’re no longer active over the comms. 

I take a breath and try to decide how to answer that. As always, I’m honest with her. “I...I don’t know. I need to get this over with, get this place taken care of, and…” I catch her gaze and feel something spark back to life inside me. “Honestly? I need to bury myself inside you and forget today.” 

Her smile, shocked and pleased, nearly knocks the wind out of me. 

“Then let’s go get this done so we can make that happen, lover.” She leans up on her toes while pulling me down by the carapace and presses a soft, quick kiss to my mandible before pulling away again and turning toward the elevator. 

I pull my rifle into my hands, more than ready to kick some ass. 

*****

Fighting to get into the center of the facility and then to clear that area so the Normandy can bring in the bomb is one hell of an adventure. We might not make it without Tali and her AI hacking skills, even getting a Geth Destroyer to explode when we manage to keep the heat off of her for a moment. Finally, they’re done for the moment, and the bomb is brought down on the ship. 

The thing is massive. 

It should scare the hell out of most of the galaxy that there is a top-secret, Council-funded group that can build something this dangerous from a ship drive they could find just about anywhere. At the moment, I’m just grateful they’re on our side. 

Ashley gets on the comms when we’re about ready, waiting for my confirmation to let her, which impresses me. She’s on her game today. “The bomb is in position. We’re set here.” 

“Commander, can you read me?” Kaidan’s voice breaks over the comms in response immediately. 

“The nuke almost ready,” I tell him, and the Salarian’s that I know are on the radio. “Get to the rendezvous point, Alenko.” 

“Negative, Commander,” he responds. The background is full of gunfire and shouting. “The Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We’ve taken heavy casualties. We’ll never make the rendezvous point in time.” 

I instantly curse myself for letting any of them go, for letting this plan happen at all when I had a bad feeling about it from the beginning. “Joker, get them out of there! Now!” 

“Negative,” Kaidan interrupts again. “It’s too hot! Can’t risk it. We’ll hold them off as long as we - “ 

I wait, realizing only after a moment of silence that the comm has cut off completely. “Alenko, do you read me?” I demand. Nothing. My heart nearly stalls in my chest. “Kaidan!” 

A big hand comes down on my shoulder, firm and comforting while I try my best not to panic. “It’s OK, Commander,” Ashley pipes up. “We need a couple minutes to finish arming the bomb. Go get them and meet me back here.” 

I nod at her, grateful again for action instead of getting lost in my thoughts. I turn back to Garrus and Tali, who are right behind me and waiting eagerly. “Up to the AA tower. Move!” 

The team races back with me the way we came, fighting through multiple Krogan warlords just to get to the elevator. At least none of them need to be fought hand-to-hand this time. The elevator takes us up to the top of the building and the open pathways connecting all the areas of the facility. Of course, the Geth are already up here, but I’ll be damned if they keep me from getting to the AA tower. 

We don’t get far before a shadow falls over us, and we turn to watch a Geth dropship head right back to where we left Ashley with the bomb. 

“Heads up, LT,” Kaidan calls from over the comms. It’s a relief to hear his voice again. “There’s a Geth dropship headed your way.” 

“It’s already here,” Ashley responds, gunfire on both ends of the comms now. I hate being in the middle, not helping either of them right now. “Geth are pouring out all over the bomb site.” 

“Can you hold them off, Ash?” I ask her. 

“There’s too many, I don’t think we can survive until you get here,” she responds, her voice only just sounding like she’s not panicking. There’s a pause. “I’m activating the bomb.” 

“Shit,” Garrus growls softly. 

My stomach sinks right into my boots. “Williams, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m just making sure this bomb goes off,” she replies like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “It’s done, Commander. Go get Alenko and get the hell out of here.” I think the scariest thing is how calm the Gunnery Chief sounds about all of this. 

“No, Commander!” Kaidan protests urgently. “We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Ashley!” 

Shit. It occurs to me then that I have a decision to make. With the Geth attacks on both ends, I’m not going to have time to save them both. I need to make a decision now, go to one of them, help one of them hold off the Geth. And whichever I don’t get to…

We aren’t all making it off Virmire alive. 

For the second time, a heavy hand lays on my shoulder. The weight is instantly comforting, and I put my hands on the rail in front of me, trying to be rational. Tali’s hand covers one of mine, and the two of them stand there, silent. They don’t offer opinions that won’t help, just give me their strength. And I need it to make the decision that I know is right. 

“Alenko…” I say it slowly, testing my voice. “Radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower.” 

There’s a pause, and Kaidan sounds surprised, defeated, when he answers, “Yes, Commander. I - ” 

“It’s the right move, and you know it, LT,” Ashley chimes in, calm and confident still. She’s right, and I think she knew that would be the decision from the start. 

“I’m sorry, Ash. I can’t get you both.” 

“I understand, Skipper. I don’t regret a thing.” I hear a click and know Ash has turned off her comms, sparing all of us from hearing whatever happens down there next. 

And I can’t think about that right now, I can’t think about the bomb going off. We still have work to do. I take one more breath before giving the order to move, and then it’s a race to the AA tower again. 

We get to the AA tower and walk directly into a fierce firefight, Geth swarming the Salarian units and Kaidan who are giving the fight all they’ve got. There’s no hesitation on my part, and I’m not slowed down by having to give Tali or Garrus directions; they already know what I want from them. 

We spread out to bolster all sides of the defense, Tali darting across the rooftop area to the far side where I watch her take cover near a couple Salarians with assault rifles. One gives her a look that Tali doesn’t notice, or she’d probably shoot him. Instead, she gets to work on her Omni-Tool and proceeds to blow up a Geth Rocket Trooper that the Salarians had been struggling with. It gives me a good deal of satisfaction and pride when the Salarian’s expression changes entirely, and he digs back in to fight at the Quarian’s side. 

Garrus moves right for the middle of the field because, of course, he does. He’s following my direction not to play the hero, but he also knows just how much damage he can do with the right vantage point and his sniper rifle. I’m not even a little surprised to hear him give a few orders to the Salarians near him; my Turian might not realize it yet, but he’s a born leader. I remember him saying that he’ll teach me to love my body the way that he does; I’m going to have to return the favor by teaching Garrus to respect his talents the way I do. 

The Salarians obey him, likely in part because he sounds so confident, but I don’t doubt that his intimidating size - and the size of his rifle - has something to do with it. He only solidifies their confidence in him when he makes a perfect shot right through the flashlight face of a Geth trooper. 

I take a position as well, not far from where I can see Kaidan and Kirrahe fighting alongside a few other Salarians. The biotic is doing what he’s best at and relying on his natural talents; I’ve always been a little jealous of biotics who have always been biotic. They’re much more in control than I have ever felt. It’s not entirely my fault since I was only exposed on the Batarian ship when I was seventeen, so I’m substantially behind someone like Kaidan who is both older than me and was born biotic. 

When facing Geth, though, you need firepower more than biotic blasts. My assault rifle in one hand, my pistol in the other, I settle in for some cowboy action and start to systematically blast through the robots in our way of escaping the blast. It must be freeing, in a way, to be a machine and not actually have to care if you blow up when a nuclear device goes off. The Geth can fight like this because they aren’t afraid of losing their lives. 

Of course, if there is anything I’ve learned between Mindoir and slavery and Akuze, it’s that someone with everything to lose with fight harder. Right now, the advantage is ours. 

If the bomb blows while we’re here plugging at Geth, my entire team will die. No one will pick up the torch to fight Saren, I’m sure, since the Council is blind to the extent of the threat. The mission will fail entirely if we don’t survive this. 

And the galaxy will lose nearly seven feet of gorgeous Turian sniper that I refuse to imagine the universe without. No way am I letting him down. 

With a three-pronged effort, we turn things around and take the offensive. The Geth can’t keep up with the number of guns on them, and Tali’s tricks are creating as much panic as I’ve ever seen in a robot. We’re finally making a break in their ranks, so much that I’m considering calling the Normandy in to start our evacuation when a bullet comes flying from behind my head and explodes into the cement barrier I’ve been taking cover behind. 

I roll over my back to seek out the enemy, and my heart sinks into my gut when I see the shooter. 

Saren is standing on a hoverboard of sorts, armed to the teeth and glowing with either biotics or shields or both - for as little sense as that makes. He glares at me while floating right over my head and then lands in the middle of the fight, cocky as hell. The Geth stop firing, many of them making a retreat, and I’m certain it’s on order, but I can’t tell who the order is from - Saren or Sovereign. 

I can tell Saren wants me, wants Garrus, wants to fight us, so I catch Kirrahe’s eye and signal for him to round up his men. We might be able to distract Saren enough to get some of them out of here. 

“Shepard, I barely recognize him,” I hear Garrus breathe over the comms. I know that he’s telling me so that I have an idea of just how far gone Saren is, now that we know we need to be worried about Saren indoctrinating him. But I can also hear the pain in his deep voice, and I know he’s telling me because he’s freaked out by the differences in his old friend. 

“This has been an impressive diversion, Shepard,” Saren calls out, no longer trying to use our comm system at least. 

“Should have known he’d be the type to monologue,” I mutter, Joker laughing back over the radio. 

“My Geth were utterly convinced the Salarians were the real threat,” Saren continues, oblivious to the commentary. “Of course, your efforts were for nothing. I can’t let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can’t possibly understand what’s really at stake.” 

I take a deep breath and calm my anger, my concern. It’s worth trying to know what makes Saren tick if we can get him to see the light. “Make me understand. Why are you doing this?” I call back to him. 

“You’ve seen the vision from the beacons, Shepard. You, of all people, should understand what the Reapers are capable of,” he responds, voice tense and tight. “They cannot be stopped.” 

Garrus scoffs. “This coming from someone who taught me that no enemy was so great that you should surrender. Ever.” I catch him glance at me and nod to make sure he knows I’m OK with him interjecting. I want his input, here more than ever. 

“This is different, Garrus. Do not mire yourself in pointless revolt, do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms.” I have to frown at that, lost at the idea of freedom being petty. 

Saren is convinced, though. He’s certain that the Reapers are going to destroy all of us just like they did the Protheans and that the only hope for anyone organic is if he sides with the Reapers. He’s sure that Sovereign will save him. We learn as well that the Geth worship the Reapers as the pinnacle of their evolution, that they consider Sovereign a sort of god. 

He wants us to work with the Reapers. He wants to convince us that subservience, that slavery is better than death. No one is buying it, and Garrus’ reaction tells me that this sort of thing from Saren makes no sense. 

Saren starts to rant that the only reason he hasn’t been indoctrinated is that Sovereign needs him to find the Conduit. He doesn’t seem to understand that we find that concerning. “You have already been indoctrinated, Saren!” Garrus snaps at him. “Sovereign is manipulating you, and you don’t even know it. You’re already under its power.” 

“Damn it, Garrus, aren’t you listening? This is my only hope.”

“No, it’s not. Stand with us, Saren,” I urge him, trying to get a look from around the wall without getting shot at. Saren is pacing quickly, clearly distraught. “Together, we can stop Sovereign. We don’t have to submit to the Reapers. We can beat them!” 

Saren’s voice is soft when he responds. “I no longer believe that Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful - the only way to survive is to join them. If I can prove my value, I become a resource worth maintaining.” 

Garrus loses whatever remaining cool he had. “When did you become so damn selfish?” he shouts. “You were a Spectre, you became one because you wanted to defend the galaxy. Now you’ve broken that vow, you’ve betrayed Palaven, and you’ve murdered family to save yourself!” 

“I am not doing this for myself!” Saren snarls back, definitely taking that one personally. “Don’t you see, Garrus? Sovereign and the Reapers will succeed, it’s inevitable. My way is the only way that any of us will survive! I am forging an alliance between organics and machines that will save more lives than have yet to exist!” 

I can hear him becoming more hysterical and duck back behind the wall again, fairly certain this is about to escalate. 

“But you, Shepard,” he growls, proving me right. “Shepard, you would undo my work. You would doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation. And for that, you must die.” 

A bright blue light - one that doesn’t seem entirely biotic but isn’t a bullet either - comes flying at me and crashes into the cement barrier hard enough to make it shake. If he hits me or anyone else with one of those shots, it’s going to hurt. We all keep tight to cover while fighting back, now shooting against Saren and the remaining Geth. He gets back onto his floating board, which makes that much harder, quickly dodging bullets and blasts. 

I know I need to get him off that damn thing and start to focus my shots on it. It takes a few shots, but finally, the board is knocked out from under his feet. Saren tumbles to the ground. 

It doesn’t happen soon enough, though; Saren got off a good shot too and hits me - hard. I lose my senses for a moment but recognize that I’m flying only to have everything thrown back into reality sharply when I hit the ground on my back. The force knocks my gun from my hand, and I hear the metal scattering away before I can focus my vision. When things come back into focus, it’s in time for my heart to nearly stall. 

Saren is all but on top of me, and he reaches me before I can respond, wrapping a huge and taloned hand around my throat. He lifts me straight off the ground by my neck, and then my feet are lifted again. With two rapid strides, the son of a bitch has me hanging by the throat off a ledge, and panic surges inside me. It occurs to me that he could kill me any number of ways; the size of his hand and the force of his arm could let him snap my neck pretty easily, those talons could stab right into my throat, or...he could just let go. So simple, so good for him to finish all of his. 

I try to get my fingers between his hand and my throat, but he’s not budging, and kicking at him isn’t doing a thing. It’s slowly getting harder to breathe, and I don’t realize until then that he’s steadily tightening his grip to choke me. 

My eyes dart up to his, and I hear myself gasp. His eyes are blue, bright, and icy. They aren’t the same shade as the blue eyes I know so well, and they aren’t nearly as piercing, but the familiarity strikes me. Garrus puts his big, terrifyingly strong hand around my throat, and I get damn hot. Saren doing it feels like a cheap imitation, like he’s daring to try and steal the beauty of that intimacy from me. 

And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him. 

I put up a renewed fight, trying my hardest to kick him and thrashing to try and break his hold on my throat. It might be fruitless, but there’s no way I’m letting him have this one easily. Saren bares his sharp teeth at me, and I prepare for pain. He yelps instead, and I can feel something slam into him, though I don’t see the source. 

I don’t have time to consider it because Saren releases me when he starts to fall, and I have to scramble for the edge of the building to keep from falling. 

“Shepard!” I hear Garrus scream, his voice cracking with fear. That scares the hell out of me, and I try to find a foothold before I fall. Saren scrambles to his feet and grabs his gun before running, right back to that damn board of his. I see Tali and Garrus coming and hope that they’ll get him, but they’re both aiming right for me. 

Considering the way my arms are burning with the effort to stay up, I can’t really be mad. Tali grabs my hands to help pull, but Garrus reaches past her and grabs the back of my armor. Yet again, I’m lifted off the ground - this time, to safety. 

Saren is flying away already. “Damn it,” I growl, disappointed in myself for being that close to him and letting him get away. 

“He doesn’t matter,” Garrul growls, grabbing me by the shoulders and turning me to face him. I can the Normandy arriving, but I find myself trapped by impossibly blue eyes. 

“Shepard! Are you alright?” Kaidan demands, running toward us. 

“I’m fine.” 

Garrus doesn’t seem inclined to take my word for it, slipping his thumbs under my chin so that he can tilt my head back and get a look at my throat. I let him angle my head and move it however he wants, letting myself be calmed by familiar hands so that by the time he’s satisfied I’m unharmed, my heart rate is much closer to normal, and I can breathe again. 

He doesn’t let me go right away, and I don’t even consider telling him to. We’re about to board the ship without Saren and without Ashley; even if the facility is destroyed, it feels like we failed today, and someone is going to die for this. My heart aches, and all I want to soothe it is Garrus. I can tell he sees that, and I watch him give me a nod, promising to be there for me. Like always. 

For now, he releases me, and I nod to myself, ready to get the rest of us out of here. 

“On the ship. Let’s go.” My voice has none of the conviction it usually does, even I can hear that. They all listen to me anyway, including the Salarian team that will have to board our ship since there’s is now part of the bomb. “Joker...get us out of here.” 

Instead of continuing to follow the crew away from the cockpit and the airlock, I stay and watch the ship gain distance from the planet. My stomach is in a knot, and my chest hurts; if we hit turbulence, I’m certain things will get messy up here. I try not to imagine Ashley’s last moments while she waits for the bomb to go off. 

“Ah shit, Shepard. You don’t have to watch,” Joker murmurs when he catches my reflection in the window. I don’t look at him, not ready to watch that pity. 

“I’ve got her.” 

The chocolately voice comes with strong arms that wrap around me from behind, wrapping across my chest to grab my other shoulder and folding me into him so I have a solid wall, a breathing force of strength, on my six. This isn’t pity, it’s solidarity. And it gives me what I need to stand there and say a prayer to the god Ashley believed in that she finds peace in knowing she died a hero. 

We’ve gotten some distance by the time the bomb goes off, but the blast still rocks the ship. I don’t move at all, encased in Turian and safe from even an explosion. It’s a heady thing at the moment, and I take another moment to bask before nodding so that Garrus knows I’m OK, and he can release me. 

When I realize the others are close and can see him holding me, it doesn’t even occur to me that it might be an issue. I can feel the memories of Akuze at the back of my mind, the nightmares from Mindoir threatening to grab me while I’m awake. If I need Garrus to help me hold those back, that should be of no concern to anyone else. 

“Ten minutes and then debrief in the comm room.” It’s an order they’re used to, the standard after a big mission. Only this time, we’re missing someone. I watch them all go to their designated places. 

“What do you need, kid?” Garrus asks softly from behind me. 

I take a breath and look up at him. “Will you come with me? I just want to get out of my armor and sit for a moment.” 

“Of course.” 

I nod and start toward my quarters before Joker calls, “Hey, Shepard?” I turn back to the pilot, who is carefully pushing himself up out of his chair. He crosses the bridge and moves to stand in front of me, but then just pulls off his hat to scratch his head instead of doing or saying anything. “That sucked ass.” 

A laugh explodes from me, Joker probably the only person who could make me laugh right now. “Yeah, yeah, it did.” 

“Yeah. I just...you did the right thing. You have some really tough, really shitty calls to make these days. You know, on mission and off.” He eyes me, and I know he’s talking about Garrus, too. “I don’t know how you manage, Shep, but you always do. Ashley thought so, too.” 

A genuine smile feels really good right now. “Thanks, Joker.” I wish I could give him more right now, but I need to conserve what little emotional energy I have left. The debrief waits, and eventually, I’ll have to talk to the Council. Joker doesn’t seem to mind, and he smiles when I pat his shoulder. 

I turn and start back toward my room. “You holding up alright, big guy?” I hear Joker ask Garrus from behind me. “You had a hell of a day, too.” I’d nearly forgotten that Saren had the balls to hack our comms and try to get Garrus to turn on me. Ashley’s death distracted me, which isn’t unreasonable, but Garrus’ day was just as tough. 

One of his closest friends tried to strangle me off the side of a cliff. 

“I’m choosing to focus on her,” is Garrus’ response, though I wonder if I’m supposed to hear that. It’s honorable and sweet - and so very Garrus - but I’m not letting that happen. For now, I have to let it go, and Garrus catches up to slip into my quarters just after I do. 

We only have a few minutes, but it’s enough time to get out of my armor. Garrus seems to have the same idea, starting on his chest plate as soon as he sits in the chair beside me. His armor gets stacked much more neatly than mine, which is just so very Turian of him. He gets done first too and then leans down, smacking my hands away so that he can remove my boots; he knows that I don’t prefer to wear them on the ship. 

I don’t have the energy to stop him, and I feel really grateful. The gesture doesn’t feel small at all. I reach forward and run my hand back over his fringe gently, not with the intent to start something, but just because I want to be touching him. Garrus leans into the touch and looks up at me. His face falls when he glances at my throat, and I imagine it’s bruised. 

His hand covers the front of my throat, and this time I lean into the touch, reveling in the soft feel of the leather and the gentle rumble that starts deep in Garrus’ chest. He releases me and stands, reaching down to pull me up by the hand. I obey and follow him to my bed. Garrus sits with his back to my pillows and motions for me to climb onto his lap. It’s easily the best idea I’ve heard all day, and I happily sit across his thighs, my hand falling onto his shoulder and Garrus’ arms coming around me. 

We stay there the whole time, not talking and not moving. There’s not much to say right now. This is what I need, and I think Garrus feels the same. Joker gives us a warning that we need to get to the comm room, and I feel his mouth plates brush the top of my head. “Ready for this, kid?”

“No,” I answer honestly. “Think anyone will notice if I just don’t show up?”

“Nah, you’re not important.” I laugh, grateful for it, and smack his chest playfully. Garrus chuckles softly while I stand and then follows me. 

I’m feeling a little better. More solid, at least. Nothing has changed, and I still have a horrible feeling about talking to the Council, but getting a few minutes of quiet with my best friend restored some of my energy. It lets me walk into the Comm Room with my head up, prepared to get my team through this. We still have a mission; Ashley would have been first to remind me of that. 

There’s a job to be done. I’m not about to let this team down.


	15. Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feed the author with comments! I live for them.
> 
> But seriously, thank you so much for reading every week. We're nearing the end of Mass Effect 1, but Garrus and Elle's story does not stop there, so I hope you'll continue to stick around and enjoy! <3

I stay at the Commander’s side when we head into the Comm Room, where the rest of the team has just arrived. Most of them are sitting, but I get on high alert when I realize that Alenko is pacing the room. Shepard gets barely a couple steps into the room before he whirls on her, face flushed. 

“How could we just leave her down there, Shepard?” It just about explodes from him. He’s been dwelling on this for the last ten minutes for sure. I take my usual seat between Wrex and Liara, the Krogan giving me a look that confirms he’s just as on edge as I am about Alenko. 

After what we’ve all been through, I’ll be damned if I let that punk-ass little human make this even harder on Shepard. 

Shepard handles herself, of course, and takes a deep breath before she answers him. “Ashley knew the risks going on,” she tells him - tells all of us, really. “She gave her life to save the rest of us.” 

I hear Liara take a shaky breath from beside me, and Tali gives a nod from across the circle, all of us on Shepard’s side. She had a horrible decision to make, one with no real good choice. But she made the right one; the bomb wouldn’t have gone off if we got Ashley out of there. 

And I would never go so far as to say Ashley and I were friends, but I knew her well enough to know that she considered her service an honor. Whatever Ashley is now, she’s proud of herself, and it’s well deserved. 

We can all see that. All of us except Alenko. It’s a wonder the guy can manage to walk with a foot constantly in his mouth. 

“Commander, I…” He does that damn rubbing his neck thing. “I have to know. Did you spare me because of us? Because of what we have?” 

It’s like a smack in the face, hearing Alenko even suggest that he and Shepard have something. I have to look away, my vision going red, and it takes everything I have to control the growl building in my chest. Not only is he still pursuing my girl, but he’s got the balls to suggest Shepard would let her personal feelings influence a decision - a decision as serious as someone’s life. I could destroy the little bastard for that; I want to.

Before I have to bother, Shepard reminds me that she doesn’t need me to fight her battles. 

“You have got to be kidding me, Alenko,” she snaps at him. I can just about see the steam coming from her ears. “If I need to be blunt with you, I will. There is not now, there has never been, and there never will be an us. You got a problem with a decision that I make for my crew, you’re more than welcome to get the hell off my ship, but I am not going to let you martyr yourself when Ashley deserves to be recognized as a hero. Now sit your ass down and shut up.” 

Tali coughs, and I am certain that she’s trying to cover up a laugh while Alenko throws himself into a chair like a child that just got spanked. 

I have to shift in my own seat, decidedly not above thinking about getting that power from Shepard underneath me...or across my knee for a spanking of her own. 

“Commander, excuse me for interrupting.” I silently praise the Spirits for Liara’s interruption before I end up with a raging hard-on. 

“Go ahead, Liara,” Shepard assures the Asari, much calmer already. 

“I have an idea. I think the beacon you found in Saren’s base was similar to the one you found on Eden Prime. It may fill in the missing piece of your vision. I might be able to help you put all those pieces together,” Liara explains, wringing her hands. 

Because today wasn’t bad enough already. Now I have to watch Shepard do something incredibly intimate with someone else. 

Shepard’s frustrated sigh makes me feel at least a little bit better about it since she isn’t thrilled either. She agrees to do it, though, and I choose not to watch. “Incredible,” Liara breathes after a moment, signaling that I’m safe to look up again. 

“Did the vision make any sense to you?” Shepard presses, rubbing her forehead while Liara sways a little. That feeling is one of the many reasons I don’t like joining, and I’d never try it standing. 

“It was a distress call, a message sent out across the Prothean Empire. A warning against the Reapers, but...but the warning came too late.” 

“What about the Conduit?” Tali asks. 

Liara shakes her head a little, her gaze kind of far off like she’s thinking back through the images. “There were other images...locations. Places I recognize from my research.” Her head snaps up all of a sudden, and she all but shouts, “Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos. That’s why Saren needed to find the Mu Relay, it’s the only way to get there.” 

I can see the relief on Shepard’s face that something has finally come of these visions. She nods and states, “So we need to go to Ilos.” 

Only a human could say that so casually. 

“Shepard, the Mu Relay is inside the Terminus Systems,” Tali informs our Commander. “Alliance ships are not welcome there.” 

“Neither are Spectres,” Wrex chimes in. 

“The Conduit is on Ilos. That’s where Saren is heading, and we’re going to be waiting for him when he gets there,” Shepard responds. 

I almost laugh because I could have predicted exactly what she was going to say. 

Liara is much less into the idea. She sounds downright scared when she says, “Saren will have his entire fleet orbiting Ilos. We’ll never make it to the surface without reinforcements.” 

I can see Shepard starting to consider that, but I’m not about to let her get derailed; I like the single-minded and slightly reckless Shepard far too much. “We need a fleet,” I note, leaning back in my chair. Shepard eyes me, and I shrug. “The Council has a fleet.” 

“I like the way you think, big guy.” 

Before anyone has an opportunity to take that any further, Liara sways violently, and Shepard has to catch her. “You need to go see Chakwas.” 

“No, no, I just...I need to rest.” 

“That’s fine. You’re all dismissed.” 

“Hey, Commander, there’s a comm buoy nearby. I can link us in if you want to report back to the Council. You know, to warn them about the Reapers before it's too late.” 

Shepard gives a short chuckle. “Gee, Joker, why didn’t I think of that? Go ahead and link me in.” 

I stand with the rest of the crew and start to make my way out, hoping that Shepard will ping me on my Omni-Tool for some company later. Right now, I just want to be around her. 

“Garrus, wait.” 

I freeze immediately, half because she called my name and in part because Alenko is still standing close enough to hear it. He pauses and looks back, first at me and then at Shepard. I watch his face flush before he marches off, angry enough to make it clear that he wasn’t listening when Shepard shut him down just a few minutes ago. 

At least with him gone, I can turn back to Shepard. It surprises me to see that she looks a little nervous, but she clears her throat and looks up at me with bright green eyes .”Would you...mind going to my quarters? Waiting for me there?”

“I was hoping you’d ask,” I admit. The smile she gives me, almost surprised, tugs on my heart, and I step closer. I can hear that we’re alone, but I’m careful for her sake, only reaching out to touch her jaw. 

“I’ll be in as soon as I’m done here. I don’t have the energy for rounds tonight.” 

She says it almost like she’s disappointed in herself for that. “No one can blame you for that, Shepard.” 

“Yeah, well. Make yourself at home. You’re welcome to take a shower if you want.” 

Now I can’t resist any longer. I slip my other hand around her waist and tug Shepard against me while pushing the hand on her jaw into her hair, fisting the silky strands to pull her head back and expose her throat. She gasps, and I wait - I always wait - for her to signal that it’s OK. When her hands settle softly on my waist, I can’t help a smile. “I’ll wait for you.” 

“I was hoping you’d say that,” she breathes. 

“Sorry, guys. Council is waiting.” Joker has the absolute worst timing, but in this case, I know that he’s right, and it’s probably for the best - before I end up taking Shepard right here. I’m aching to be close to her right now, and I know that she’s anxious to feel close, so it’s for the best that I get away. 

I only have the courage to dare a kiss to her forehead in such a public place before releasing her and finding the willpower to leave the room. It helps more than a little knowing that I’m heading for her quarters, waiting for her there. Of course, the moment I get near the Mess Hall, I realize that I won’t be heading there as quickly as I’d like. 

“How is the Commander holding up, Garrus?” Liara asks from the table. She’s sitting with Tali and Wrex; I’m relieved at least that Alenko isn’t here. It’s probably the only reason I’m willing to slow down and answer. 

“She’s stronger than anyone else I know, that’s for damn sure,” I answer, jerking one shoulder. I don’t want to tell them how broken Shepard seemed earlier; even more than I’d feel bad for divulging something private, it feels like those moments are just for us. I know it’s a privilege to be the only one who sees Shepard at those times, so I won’t abuse that honor. 

“Damn right,” Wrex growls, lifting his beer to me in a show of support.

Tali turns toward me. “You’re going to stay with her tonight, right?” she asks. I know the question is innocent, and she’s only worried about Shepard. It still makes my chest feel tight, though. Tali must see something in my expression because she corrects, “I just mean that I’m worried about both of you, Garrus. You should be there for each other after such a tough day.” 

“Thanks, Tali. And yeah, I’m gonna stay with her.” For as long as she’ll have me anyway. 

“The humans I’ve known eat when they’re upset,” Liara informs me. “They eat a lot when they’re upset, actually. Maybe take snacks?”

“Oh! Shepard ate a bunch of whatever that ice cream stuff is the last time she was...well, last time she was upset.” I know from the way Tali trails off and then looks away that she’s talking about the last time Shepard was upset because of me. But it gives me a good idea anyway. I thank them both and head for the kitchen, grabbing a couple things I know Shepard likes and finding something marked as ice cream in the freezer. 

Why would humans eat something this cold? They’re masochists, I swear. 

With a couple beers tucked into my elbow, I feel prepared for whatever Shepard might need tonight and head into her quarters. I’m her best friend, and this is my duty...even if today was one of the hardest, crappiest days of my life. 

I put everything on the table and collapse into one of the chairs just as Saren’s face comes to mind. I barely recognized him; if that guy walked past me in a crowd on the Citadel, I never could have picked him out at the Turian who taught me how to handle a sniper rifle. And that look in his eyes...shit. 

I thought I’d been prepared for today, for eventually coming face to face with Saren and taking him down. I don’t have any qualms about it, and I’m confident in my core that it needs to happen. I just didn’t think it would feel so much like losing another friend to this whole thing. I’ve been so pissed at him, so hurt for what he did to Nihlus. But now, knowing that he’s going to end up a mindless slave to a machine...I should have protected him sooner. 

For about the millionth time over the past months, I wish that Nihlus were here. Or that I could reach him at least. He’d know what to do, what to say. About Saren, about my future now that I quit C-Sec...about Shepard. I’m a grown man, and no one has ever made my decisions for me, but sometimes I still feel entirely unmoored without Nihlus’ advice. 

The only person who has ever known me as well as he did is Shepard. And opening up to her carries risks that I can’t afford to deal with right now. I’m not prepared to lose her, too. 

As if the universe knows how badly I need to see her, the doors to her quarters slide open, and the fiery redhead marches in. At a glance, I know that Shepard isn’t broken anymore. Now, she’s pissed. 

*****

Just once, I’d like to come away from a conversation with the Council and feel like something other than an incompetent fool. They never listen. I’m a token alien with a gun for them, and it’s absurd. If anything, the Council hinders my ability to do my job as Spectre. 

For a full minute after the call ends, I stand in the middle of the comm room. It’s not until my hands start to ache from how tightly they’re balled into fists that I snap out of it. “Joker, please remind me why I shouldn’t just kill the Council?”

“Umm,” the pilot responds over the comms, drawing out the end of the world. “Oh, I know. Because they sign your paychecks, and it’s more than the Alliance pays.”

“How the hell do you know what I make?” I put up my hand right after saying it even though he can’t see me. “You know what? Don’t answer that. It’s better if I don’t know.” He laughs over the speaker, and I manage a smile, but it’s not totally genuine. I’m still too angry, too frustrated for that. 

It’s not going to be worth smashing my head against the wall speaking to the Council again, so I leave and hope that Garrus is already in my quarters. If nothing else, I can vent honestly to him - something I wouldn’t do with anyone else on the crew, so I do my best to put on a strong face when I see Tali, Wrex, and Liara in the Mess Hall. 

“I’m on your side if you decide to kill those bastards on the Council,” Wrex notes, evidently reading right through my Commander mask. 

“I’ll let you know,” I promise, grateful that it’s just the three of them so I can continue on my path. All I want is to get into my quarters, get into a shower, and get into bed. All of that with Garrus. 

“Shepard.” I pause when Tali calls my name, only because she sounds urgent. The Quarian is standing when I turn around. “You should know that Garrus took the kill shot.” 

“What?”

Tali nods and continues, “He took the kill shot with Saren when he had you by the throat. A Geth hit him at the last moment, so the shot slipped, but...Garrus had every intention to kill Saren. Right then.” 

“Of course he did,” Liara chimes in. “I don’t think anyone should expect to survive threatening you in front of Garrus.” 

Wrex grunts his approval. “Krogan may find more reasons to fight, but Turians get even more territorial than we do. Especially about their mates.” 

I blanch at that, but it fades almost instantly, overpowered by what they’re telling me. First of all, if not for some damn dumb Geth, we could be done with Saren today. That just annoys me; my luck has always been something of a disaster. But more importantly, Garrus was prepared to kill one of his oldest friends himself, to make the kill shot and do the honors. 

I know how much that would hurt him. I could see the pain in his eyes all day today. But Garrus was going to do it for me. 

“Thanks, guys,” I offer to them, restarting my path to my quarters. “Spread the word that we’re taking 24-hour shore leave. And do not disturb me for anything short of a miracle or a Reaper.” 

Goddamn Council. Fucking Saren. Oh, and that uber shit bag Sovereign. 

The doors to my quarters whoosh open just as I realize I’ve gotten myself worked up again. I'm greeted instantly by nearly seven feet of gorgeous Turian with impossibly blue eyes. He straightens when I come in, but it’s attraction and not a salute. I love the way his interest in me feels. 

“Yikes. Council was that bad?”

Of course, he’d be able to read everything as if it were written on my forehead. “Didn’t listen to a single word I said and still don’t believe the Reapers are a threat. Or really that they exist at all. They’re going to consider helping us out on Ilos, whatever the hell that means.” 

“Probably that they’re all going home to jerk off and feel self-important,” he quips. 

I don’t mean to laugh, and part of me hates him for being able to make me laugh when I want to be angry, but I appreciate the way the knot in my stomach starts to loosen a little. Garrus smiles and then shifts in his seat before opening his arms to me. There’s nothing in me that wants to hesitate or gives any consideration to whether I should need to be consoled. Screw that. 

I cross the room quickly, kicking off my boots on the way and leaving them where they fall. When I reach Garrus, I straddle his lap and rest my knees on the seat at either side of his hips. Instead of embracing him, I tuck my arms in between us and rest my head on his chest, under his chin where I fit remarkably well. Garrus’ arms come around me, caging me with strength and warmth, so his hands can rub slow circles on my back. 

His hands are huge, just one of his palms covering what feels like half my torso. They’re hot, too. Like heating pads on my spine and all the tense muscles back there. I don’t know if it’s the warmth of being tucked safely inside something so big, but I can feel myself start to relax almost immediately. “I used to hate feeling vulnerable, ya know,” I admit, just about melting on this Turian’s lap. 

“Vulnerable can be fun,” he responds with a chuckle that vibrates through his chest. “But I’d rather you feel safe right now.” 

“I do,” I assure him. “I always feel safe with you. But being safe with someone is vulnerable for me. Besides, I’m aware that you could snap me in half if you wanted to.” He laughs harder this time, and it makes me smile more genuinely than Joker could. I finally notice the table covered in snack foods. “What is all that?”

“I let the other non-humans on the crew convince me that humans eat a lot when they’ve had a bad day. Specifically, something way too cold to digest called ice cream.” 

I laugh hard enough that I have to sit up. “Well, the other non-humans did not steer you wrong. Humans do eat our feelings. Maybe after a shower, though, OK?”

“Whatever you need, Shepard,” he promises, hands tightening just a little where they sit on my thighs. 

“Alright, then I have a very random question for you. Why do some people call you Pup?” I choose not to mention that I heard it today from Saren. The only other person I’ve heard call him that was Nihlus, and I’m not sure whether the name will elicit a good reaction at the moment, but it’s a question I’ve had almost the entire time I’ve known him. 

He laughs and rolls his eyes dramatically. I know that he picked up that human gesture from me, but it’s damn cute on him. “You really want to hear this story?”

“Yes! Especially now that I know there’s a story.” 

“Fine.” He exhales hard, but I can tell that he’s not actually under any duress. “When I was a kid - I think around five since Solana was a baby - my oldest brother, Dex, was going out with some of his friends. They were getting ready to go into military school, so they were sparring and racing and whatever. I found out that Nihlus and my other brother were allowed to go, even though they were closer to my age. I got pissed, started demanding that they take me, too.” 

“Oh, my God. Someday I need pictures of you as a baby,” I inform him. “And please tell me that somewhere there are embarrassing vids of you.” 

“You are never allowed to meet my sister,” he informs me plainly, eyeing me suspiciously. “Also, hush if you want to hear the rest of the story.” I can feel a flush start on my chest when I think about the last time Garrus told me to hush...and I don’t hate the idea of him telling me like that again. “I see that look, Shepard, don’t you worry. I have plans for you.” 

“Why the hell did I want this story?” He laughs, the deep rumbling moving through me because of how close we’re sitting. “OK, but I do still want to hear it. Baby Garrus, whining about being left out. And then what?”

“Baby Garrus,” he grumbles, baring his teeth at me just a little. I know it’s playful, but I really wish it didn’t make me so damn hot. “Anyway...one of my brother’s friends said something like, 'you can’t bring him, he’s just a pup.' To make a long story short, I dusted all of them when we raced. From then on, they were calling me Pup. And because Nihlus was in school and training with me, other people heard, and it’s stuck over time.” 

“Does everyone call you that?”

“Definitely not. It’s reserved for my family and close friends.” 

I can’t help but ask, even if the question makes me nervous. I fiddle with the clasp on his shirt while I manage, “So...if I wanted to call you that…?” 

Garrus gives a soft hum and leans forward just enough to nuzzle his face under my chin. His breath is hot and ghosts over my throat, sending chills down my spine. “You most definitely qualify to call me that.” He nips gently at my neck, and a gasp escapes me. “But if I get a say, I really like the names you already call me.” 

“I know you do, big guy.” It’s still nice to know he considers me close enough to let me. As close to him as Saren once was. I have to shake that thought off quickly before going right back down into the black hole that today has become in my mind. 

I don’t get it clear fast enough to keep Garrus from noticing. He bumps my nose with his and kisses me briefly, the move unbearably sweet and just on the safe side of overwhelming. Only just though, because I can feel my throat going to tight with tears threatening. “What do you need, kid?”

“A distraction,” I answer, quickly and easily. “And you.” That answer is even more honest, but it’s not as easy to admit it. I need him, and part of me hates it. 

“You have me.” 

He says it like an absolute vow, and I’m certain that I’m going to end up crying if he doesn’t stop that. Fortunately, Garrus takes pity on me and stands, lifting me with no effort. I wrap my arms around his neck and drop my head to his shoulder, inhaling that sun-warmed metal scent and absorbing his heat to try and keep the pain at bay. 

I can still hear Ashley’s voice in my head, and my mind decides to be as cruel as possible, reminding me of everyone else I’ve lost. I hear the bathroom door open and only then realize that I’ve squeezed my eyes shut. “Someone has to tell her family. I have to notify Hackett and then...then someone has to tell her mom. Her sisters.” 

My voice cracks. Ashley loved her sisters, probably more than she loved anyone in the world. I remember what that love was like, how much Jake meant to me. I remember having to adjust to life without him, and my heart aches for the remaining Williams girls. 

“I know. You can worry about that in the morning, it’s too late on Earth now anyway.” I’m not going to object to that. Garrus sets me down on the sink and pulls my arms from around his neck so that he can stand. “Stay here,” he tells me, not an order but a request like I’m a small child. 

Garrus moves away from me, and I watch him, part of my brain registering the fluid motions of his body while he starts the hot water and then begins to strip down. 

The rest of my brain is quickly becoming clouded. Memories from today - the shouting and the gunshots, Saren’s hands around my throat, Ashley’s final words, Sovereign’s bleak warning - are starting to meld with earlier memories. The stuff of my nightmares. It’s been years since I could separate Mindoir and Akuze in my mind. I can’t separate the smell of my home planet burning from the odor of the thresher maw acid; I can’t tell which screams are from my family and which ones belong to my teammates. 

All of those memories belong to people that I failed. People who are dead because I didn’t protect them. Today will just be more fuel for the nightmares. More reminders of my failures and the lives that I’ve cost. 

“Ah, Elle.” Garrus’ voice is soft and broken, pulling me out of the dark reverie. I don’t realize until his thumbs brush my cheeks that I’m crying and my heart all but stops. “Can I undress you?” 

I nod, finding my throat too tight for me to speak, but I’m still desperate to be close to him. Garrus slips his hands under my shirt to pull it up, letting his palms slide over my waist as he goes. I know that the touch isn’t meant to be sexual, not right now, just soothing. And it works. 

He takes the same care in removing the rest of my clothes, moving quickly enough that I don’t get cold without rushing through it so much that it feels methodical and emotionless. He’s far from emotionless, his sadness pouring through in gentle touches. After he tosses my clothes away to join his, Garrus pulls me into the safe circle of his arms and walks backward until we’re both standing under the hot stream of water. 

He holds me for a long moment, just letting me soak in all the heat, before turning me away from him. I see his hand reach for my shampoo, and a moment later, his talons are scratching my scalp in the most blissful way. A moan escapes me, and I have to flatten my palms against the cool metal wall just to keep from falling. 

“I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing,” Garrus admits, his voice soft. “I’ve only ever actually seen you do this up close once.” 

“It’s perfect,” I manage through the haze building in my mind. I feel the tension fading from my whole body, melting and whirling down the drain with the hot water and soap. 

“OK good because I also have no idea when to stop or what to do next.” Laughing only helps more, but I let Garrus continue for another minute before straightening to rinse the shampoo from my hair before conditioning. “Why are there two soaps? And why doesn’t that soap bubble?” 

“God, you’re painfully adorable. The second one isn’t soap, it’s...it’s just something extra for thick and curly hair. Like mine.” Garrus nods like he understands and watches me for a few moments. 

I reach for my body wash, and Garrus catches my arm to stop me, reaching past me to take the bottle and then tugging me up against him. “This part, I know how to do.” 

Even if I wanted to object, any rational thought escapes me when all at once, his hands are everywhere. Soft leather under hard muscle gliding all over me, taking care to knead out every knot he finds. I’m putty in an instant, slumping into him. 

It’s impossible not to notice his cock throbbing between us, but Garrus is studiously ignoring it, not groping me with any of the opportunities he has. His hands and this treatment is one hell of a distraction, and I melt against him, enjoying the feel of his hard body against my back just as much as his hands. Pressing against him changes Garrus’ resolve. 

“So beautiful,” he murmurs, sliding one hand slowly down my waist and finally bringing the other up to cup my breast. “Feel good?” he whispers when I moan again. 

“So good,” I assure him, letting my head fall back against him. Garrus gives a soft, pleased hum and drops his head to nuzzle my neck. I almost miss talons starting to tease the inside of my thighs when he twists my nipple, the bite of pain settling as heat into my core. 

“I want to give you what you need, Elle,” he says, somewhere between a purr and a growl. It’s quickly become my most favorite way to hear my name. “I want to play.” He follows that up with a nip on my ear, but it doesn’t help distract me from the confusion. 

“Play?” 

He leverages long arms to wrap all the way around me and reach my other breast, his fingers brushing my already sensitive nipple. The other hand is slowly, so softly brushing just the inside of my thigh but still only teasing me. He’s giving and withholding pleasure all at once, putting me on edge and making me ache for him. 

“Play,” he repeats like it’s the most normal thing to say in the world. “I’ll need you to trust me.” 

“I do.” I don’t hesitate or pause to think about that because I don’t need to; it’s not a matter I have to think about even if he's being cryptic. I trust Garrus. He nuzzles my face softly, and I know that’s intended to show me his gratitude. I mostly wish he’d just show that by touching me, and I try to encourage his hand to the right place by moving my hips. 

Immediately, Garrus stops me. “Don’t move.” His voice is so firm, so deep that I freeze and feel my heart skip a beat. “When we play, you’ll do exactly what I say and only what I say. Understand?” I nod. “No, say it.” 

“I understand.” 

“Good.” I’m rewarded by his hands starting their work again, a finger finally sweeping my core. “I need you to be clear, Shepard, I need you to tell me with words. And I need you to pick a safeword.” 

Garrus accurately anticipated that I would have a little panic at that, and his arms lock around my chest to keep me secure. It helps, it grounds me, but I still feel just a little cold in my gut. “I’ve never...needed one before,” I admit. 

“I know.” He licks and nips gently along my jaw, his version of kissing me. “You know that I’d never hurt you. That’s why I want you to use one. If I do anything you don’t like, anything that scares you...a safeword keeps us both safe when we’re wrapped up in each other. OK?”

I manage a nod, knowing that at least the first part is true. Garrus would never hurt me. 

“If you tell me to stop because something is too intense...I won’t. That’s the point; I want it to be intense. I want you to feel more and better than you ever have.” This time he has to tighten his arm because my knees start to go weak. “Let’s pick a safeword, OK?”

I know that he keeps asking me if it’s OK on purpose, giving me every opportunity to stop him or ask questions. I nod and then remember his rule, quickly correcting myself. “OK. Yes.” 

“That’s my girl.” I’ll never be able to explain why I find that phrase from him so sexy, but damn does it make me hot. I want to keep pleasing him, and I want him to keep saying it. “Choose a word. Something you wouldn’t say otherwise, and that doesn’t hold any emotion.” 

“Um…” My eyes dart around the room, trying to find something that works. “Shampoo.” It’s the first thing that comes to mind, and I immediately feel a little stupid for the suggestion. 

Garrus seems pleased, though, kissing my jaw again. “Good choice. Shampoo. It’s important I can trust you to use your safeword whenever you need or want to, just like you need to be able to trust me to stop when you say it. OK?” 

“OK. What are we going to do?”

Now I can feel him chuckle softly, and it relaxes me, puts me at ease immediately. “You wanted a distraction, Elle,” he breathes, his tongue dragging up my neck and to the soft spot behind my ear. I lean heavily back into him. “We’ve earned a little more than our share of the hot water, I think. So what were you saying about taking a turn?”

My heart skips with joy at the opportunity to have my hands all over Garrus - I can’t think of a better distraction than that. “You’re going to smell like me,” I tell him, something of a warning since I know scent is important to Turians. “Although Wrex could still smell you on me after I showered.” 

“No, Kid. He could smell me inside you.”

Well, shit. I’m not sure why I find that so damn hot, knowing that Garrus stakes such a visceral claim on me when we’re together, but my mouth goes dry immediately. I can tell that he notices my reaction - hell, he can probably smell it - when he gives me a predatory grin. 

I manage to pull my shit together enough to grab my body wash again, choosing to use my hands so that I can get a better feel of him. I want nothing between my hands and Garrus’ body, starting at his neck and massaging just the way he did to me. I take the time to appreciate his build and work out the tension I find in his shoulders, Garrus apparently carrying stress the same way I do. 

I know we’ll talk it all out later. But I also know that we’re on the same page about what we want right now. I slow down when I get to his waist, intentionally letting my hands linger on what I know is just as sensitive and erotic for him as his cock. That, I ignore, and kneel to wash his legs and feet. Garrus growls softly and cards his talons through my wet hair, rather obviously enjoying the sight of me on my knees for him. 

The water is starting to run cool by the time I finish, but Garrus, for as much as I know he hates being cold, doesn’t seem to mind because he pulls me into his arms. My heart skips when he wraps his hand around my throat. “You smell amazing,” he purrs, leaning down and brushing his mouth plates over mine. 

I lean in to try and kiss him, but Garrus doesn’t give me that, tightening his hand just fractionally but enough to send a surge of fear rushing down my spine. He could hurt me, pretty damn badly. Even if I know he wouldn’t, there’s a moment where I want to defend myself. Garrus flicks his tongue gently against my bottom lip, and that fear is replaced by hot, intense heat. 

I’m instantly desperate for him, actually panting with his hand around my throat and his body towering over mine. “Please,” I manage to choke out, my voice hoarse.

“Please what?”

“Take me.” 

He flashes a smile, and then I’m surrounded by hot, hard Turian. Garrus scoops me into his arms, pulling my legs around his waist and devouring my mouth. I cling to him, letting all the tension and horror from today fade away while I explore his mouth and run my fingers down the length of his fringe, soaking in the way he shudders. 

I don’t register the water shutting off or that we’re moving, but suddenly Garrus is pulling me off of him and tossing me haphazardly onto the bed, still wet. I barely have time to bounce on the mattress before Garrus has a grip on my ankles, yanking me toward the end of the bed, so I’m looking directly up at him. He looks even bigger, even more intimidating from this angle, and damn I love that. 

Blazing blue eyes leave a trail of heat all over my body, and I can feel my skin blush, but I fist the sheets to stop from covering myself. I know he won’t like that. And when I push past the insecurity, I really like having him look at me. 

“Spirits, Shepard,” he murmurs, eyes tracking everywhere at once while his hand runs down my waist slowly. His other hand drops to his cock, and I watch, rapt, while he fists it and gives a long, slow stroke. 

He groans softly when his thumb rubs over the thick head of his shaft, and its somehow connected right to my clit. I try to press my thighs together to relieve some of the pressure, but Garrus’ body between my legs prevents that.

“You gonna do something with that, big guy?” I ask, nodding toward his raging erection. 

“I could…” He jerks one shoulder in a Turian shrug, playing casual very well. “I had something else in mind, though.” A blue tongue sneaks out to touch the end of his mandible, and I hear myself whimper before I can stop it. Garrus gives a soft chuckle before he leans over me, planting one hand at either side of my head and caging me in. 

He kisses me hard and deep, his tongue giving promise of what’s to come. I’m lost in sensation and give myself over to the pleasure entirely when Garrus pulls away to start licking and nipping a blazing trail all the way down my body. He rolls my nipples between his fingers, pulls them with his teeth, curls his agile tongue around them while his talons scrape my hips and thighs. I can’t help but cry out, and I might be ashamed of how pathetic my voice sounds if it didn’t all feel so good. 

“Think you could cum for me like this, my love?” he breathes against my breasts, his voice rumbling through his carapace. It’s the first time he’s called me that, and the tender tone of his voice combined with that word sends a chill down my spine. 

Garrus moans softly when I shiver and ups the ante, biting hard enough that it hurts, and I have to fight the biotic spark that wants me to defend myself. 

“Mmm, I felt that,” he murmurs, voice deep and his hands joining his mouth to be absolutely relentless on my chest. “Holding back on me, kid?” Another sharp bite and I flare, energy surging through both of us although I’m the only one who ends up panting and writhing. I can feel myself building to a peak from the attention, his hands and mouth making me feel wanton and desperate.

I get close, so close that I can taste it, and then Garrus stops so suddenly that I have to blink from the sudden loss. “Why?” I mean for it to be a demand, but it comes out like a whine; Garrus just laughs and continues licking his way down my body. 

I hold my breath in anticipation when he gets close to where I want him, sure that it’s not going to take much, especially considering how talented he is. The damn Turian isn’t going to give me that, though, moving further outside my hip instead of in between my legs. And all of this at a maddeningly slow pace. 

I make an attempt at squirming, but Garrus pins my hips to the bed. I reach for his head instead, fully intending to just drag him where I want him. “Don’t do it,” he breathes against my thigh. There’s a second where I hesitate, but I can’t help accepting a challenge, so I make an attempt to grasp his fringe.

Garrus is too fast, and he catches my wrist, immobilizing my arm with just one finger and his thumb. “See, I tried to warn you.” When he stands up straight, I could cry from frustration, and he shakes his head at my impatient groan. “You brought this on yourself. Apparently, you need a lesson in taking direction more than you need to cum.” 

“Oh, God. Please be kidding.” 

“You’ll learn baby,” he purrs, stroking my cheek tenderly like he’s not actively torturing me. “Sit up.” I eye him, curious and a little concerned. “Shepard. Sit up.” 

His tone the second time is different; even though I’ve never served under Garrus, I recognize it as a command. I’m sitting up before I even realize I decided to do it. Anderson would freak if he saw that; I’ve literally never obeyed any of my commanding officers this quickly. But with Garrus, it’s purely an instinct that I obey him.

The smile he flashes in response is reward enough. Trusting him so implicitly makes obeying him easy; even if I’m aching terribly to have him touch me, I know that he’d never hurt me.

“Put your arms behind your back, cross them, and hold your elbows.” It’s an odd request but not a scary one, so I obey that as well, grasping the elbow of each arm with my opposite hand. Garrus notices the way that the position makes my back arch a little with an appreciative growl. “Lie down.” 

He doesn’t wait for me to follow that one, instead leaning forward to kiss me and pushing me back on the bed under him in the process. The purpose of his instruction becomes obvious immediately since I’ve lost the use of my arms now, especially while his body is stretched out over mine. My skin is hot and sensitive, so Garrus’ textured plates spark every single one of my nerves. 

I could scream when I realize the damn Turian with the never-ending patience that could only belong to an ace sniper is starting all over, playing with my breasts again instead of going back where I need him. As good as it feels - and damn does that feel good. Why the hell has no one given this much attention to my breasts before? - I’m wound tighter than ever. 

“So soft, everywhere,” Garrus whispers against my skin, teasing my nipples until he’s left me hanging on the edge yet again. “So beautiful.” Frustrated or no, it’s not hard to appreciate his tone and the almost worshipful way he touches me. 

The time when he reaches my hips and continues down my leg, I don’t try to grab his head. I physically can’t with my arms trapped under me, but I also don’t want to try this time. I need him to keep going because I already need him to give me release...something tells me I’ll be waiting a while. 

Garrus seems perfectly content to explore every inch of me with his fingers and his mouth. He makes me jump when he kisses the back of my knee. He finds a shockingly sensitive place, just below my ankle that leaves me shaking by the time he’s done exploring it with his tongue. He trails sharp nips back up my leg, and I can’t help squirming, praying to whatever gods or Turian spirits that might be listening that he’ll finally focus where I want him when he reaches the apex of my thighs. 

“Please.” Panting, pathetic, and I don’t care at all. He’s the one who did this to me anyway. 

“Something you want, Elle?” he murmurs against my legs, not deviating from his path or the painfully slow pace up my body. 

He does this on purpose, I know - make me talk, make me tell him exactly what I want. Talking isn’t something I’ve tried or experienced before in bed. I’ve only had one other partner who made an attempt at dirty talk, but it was just awkward. The filthy things Garrus whispers and moans when he’s deep inside me or when I’m using my mouth on him turn me on just as much as the act. And his voice makes it all that much better. 

When I talk, he talks more...so I’m learning to love to talk. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for him. 

“I want your mouth.” 

A rumble moves through him, and I feel it on my thigh through his mouth plates. “You have my mouth.” He nips a little harder than usual, bruising me for sure, to prove his point. “Tell me what you want, Shepard.” 

Garrus is the only person who has ever made my last name - the name everyone in my life uses primarily or exclusively - feel intimate. 

“I want…” I swallow hard, trying to focus, and trying to calm myself down. I might chicken out until I feel Garrus moving back toward the outside of my hip, skipping the part of me that’s throbbing for his attention. “I want you to taste me,” I spit out in a rush, speaking around the lump in my throat. 

“Oh, that...that is a good answer.” 

I all but sob when his tongue, perfectly rough and amazingly dextrous, finally sweeps all the way up my slit. Garrus takes my thighs in his hands and pushes my legs up, trapping my arms even more firmly underneath me and putting me into an angle that lets him devour me. At this angle, with his talented mouth and his growl vibrating through my whole body, it takes seconds before I’m panting and right on the edge of an intense orgasm. 

Garrus knows that, of course he does, but just before I can crest...he pulls back. His attention leaves my clit where I so badly need him, and he licks softly at my folds. It's not enough to calm me down entirely but pulls me far enough away from the orgasm that I start to feel it fade. Just once, I can assume he misread me, but when the damn Turian then continues to do it repeatedly, leaving me right on the edge, actual tears start to fall. 

I’m begging him, barely coherent from exhaustion and almost too intense arousal as Garrus takes me right to the edge of orgasm over and over only to stop before letting me get release. The level of stimulation grows to a level where it’s just shy of painful, and I love it all every bit as much as I hate it. I can’t move at all, no way to absorb or relieve any of the sensations.

Finally, Garrus shifts his game again and takes my throbbing clit very gently between his mouth plates. With his tongue, he creates a soft sucking sensation, and that’s how he brings me over the edge. I explode and crash violently, a scream that I hear through the fog in my mind fading into a sob of desperate, beautiful pleasure. 

I watch him rise between my legs, his gaze predatory and dangerous. Garrus licks his lips as if savoring a meal. I have no strength left, unable to do anything other than lie there while Garrus pushes my legs apart and spreads me for him. I’m rapt, watching his face while Garrus slides slowly inside me, and his expression becomes overwhelmed in pleasure. His mouth opens, and his head falls back while he releases a guttural moan. 

The pained sound is a reminder that Garrus has to have been suffering for as long as I did, keeping himself from release the entire time he refused to give me mine. He proves just how desperate he’s feeling now when he folds over me, aggressively thrusting inside me and giving a beastly growl with every slam of his hips. 

“Feel that, Elle? How perfectly I fit inside you, how badly your body wants me? How well I know yours?” All I can do is whimper in response, his chocolately voice at my ear and my body completely full of him taking away my ability to think straight. “You were made for me, baby, made for this cock.” 

Every one of my senses is totally overwhelmed by Garrus, and he’s relentless, driving into me like he’s trying to permanently join our bodies, bury himself so deeply inside me that he’ll never get out again. I have not one single objection to that. 

“Cum with me, baby, cum again.” 

It’s not an effort to get there. I’m spread wide, stuffed full, and thoroughly fucked. My body exists only to serve this man, so when he commands it, I fall apart for him all over again. Garrus whispers praise softly while his thrusts lose their rhythm, and I feel him explode into me.

I can only manage to make out the words when we come back down together, both of us panting. “Did so good, Shepard,” he murmurs, gently licking and nipping my neck and shoulders. “So proud of you.” My heart swells at the words, the sentiment filling me with pride even if all I did was lay here and take him - not that he made it all that easy at times. 

Worth it. 

Garrus pulls up a little to kiss me before he rises, pushing onto his arms and then sliding out of me before standing. He’s still hard, of course, but he ignores that to help me sit up and release my arms. I groan at the pull in my shoulders, and he winces. “It’s not bad,” I assure him.

“Come here,” he breathes, ignoring me and sliding onto my bed. I follow him, letting Garrus arrange me between his legs with my back to him where he sits against the headboard. Whether or not the pain is bad, I would never object to an excuse to get a massage from this man. He patiently rubs the feeling back into my arms and then any pain out of my shoulders, all while his cock throbs at my back. 

“I think I need to work on building my stamina,” I confess as it occurs to me that I don’t know how much more I could possibly take tonight.

Garrus laughs, and I feel his mouth brush the back of my neck. “We’ll work on it. Don’t worry about that for tonight, though. I was rough on you, we both earned a little aftercare.” 

It seems like an odd phrase to choose, but I like the sound of it. I really like the feel of it too, if aftercare involves this massage. I realize that he’s said he needs a little, too. “What can I do for you?” 

“I’m good like this, kid. Just a little time before I go.” I know that he feels me tense; his hands still, and then his arms come around me, pulling me back against him. “Shepard. I know I’ve said I wouldn’t stay before, but...if you need me tonight...well, maybe we both need it.” 

“I do need it,” I assure him, grateful for the offer and sure that I’ll fall back into places I don’t want to be if he leaves me alone tonight. I don’t want him going back to bad places either. “I got my distraction for sure, but today wasn’t easy for you either. How are you holding up?” 

I let my head fall back into his shoulder so that I can look up at his profile. Garrus takes my hands in his, my palms flat inside his hands, and focuses on them when he takes a breath. “You know, I think I’m actually glad Saren killed Nihlus. If he’d gotten ahold of him, if he’d indoctrinated him...I’m not sure I could handle that. It’s bad enough to lose one of them that way.” 

“That’s fair. It would be heartbreaking to see a guy like Nihlus who was so full of life that way.” I shake my head a little and admit, “Being enslaved is a pretty great way to have the spirit sucked out of you.” 

Garrus presses his mouth to my head, approximating a kiss. I appreciate that sentiment much more than the sympathy I fear and usually get when anything related to my time with the Batarians is mentioned. Those aren’t my favorite memories, but nothing is worse than the pity. 

“How are your shoulders?” he asks, nuzzling my hair with his face. Somehow he always anticipates what I need. 

“Fine. They don’t hurt at all anymore.” I look up at him again and add, “I’m a little sore elsewhere, but that’s different.” 

He gives a soft chuckle and shifts me just a little so that he can kiss my lips softly. “I thought that might have been your first experience with edging, so I tried to take it easy on you.” 

“Oh, shit, that was taking it easy?” I balk. “God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack or explode or something!” 

“Mmhmm, and then how was the orgasm when I let you have it?” he asks with a knowing expression on his face. When I just roll my eyes in response, he laughs at me and gives me a cocky little shrug. 

“You don’t play fair, Vakarian,” I maneuver, turning around while being mindful that I don’t end up kicking his erection, and then straddling his lap. Garrus gives an appreciate little groan and once over of my naked form, his cock resting against my stomach now. I wrap my arms around his neck and toy lightly with the end of his fringe. “I think two could play at that game, though.” 

“Oh, is that what you think?” he responds, brow plates raised. 

I blink and lean back a little more to eye him. “I mean...is that something you do? Get your arms bound and have someone edge you? Or...I just, I don’t really know how any of this works.” 

“You’re overthinking things,” he tells me, leaning forward to close the distance between us again so that he can brush his mouth over mine. “This works in whatever ways make both of us feel good, Elle.” He kisses me more thoroughly this time, and I melt under the touch of his tongue all over again. “As long as you promise to use your safe word when you need it, there’s a lot we can try.” 

I cut off the end of his sentence because I don’t want to wait any longer to be kissing him and Garrus doesn’t seem to mind, giving me access to explore his mouth without protest. I don’t want to tie him up, but I do feel like I need a little control back, and he doesn’t fight me on it. I use a hold on his fringe to pull his head back so that I’m in charge of the kiss, and he gives that soft little moan I love so much, his hips churning just a little under me. 

I’m almost shocked at myself for wanting him so badly again already after what I just went through. Still, in only a few kisses, I’m practically panting for him. I get hot with need when his hands slide from my thighs to my ass, cupping me so that he can pull me against his cock.

The way he shudders against me when I rise slowly, dragging my wet lips along his shaft, is just about the most rewarding thing I’ve ever seen. Suddenly, I get the draw and why he’d put off his own pleasure for so long just to watch me shatter. I’m not nearly as patient as my gorgeous sniper, though, so I release his fringe only to direct him into me. 

We groan together into a kiss when I lower onto him until I’m sitting on his thighs again. He’s fantastically deep, and the position reminds me of our first time together, when he was careful not to hurt me until his control broke and he fucked me senseless. Tonight, he seems content to let me do the work, and his hands just lightly hold my thighs while I rock against him. 

I can feel his eyes everywhere, and his hands join them, coasting over my breasts and throat and back and ass, talons dragging softly the whole time and setting my skin on fire. “You look amazing like this,” he murmurs to me. “And you ride my cock so good, baby. You’re so sexy.” 

“Damn, Garrus, that voice. You should have a career on a vid sex line.” 

He laughs, the movement doing interesting things inside me, but the feeling of being able to laugh with my partner during sex - something else totally unique to sex with Garrus - is even more intense. “I think I’ll keep my talents just for you, kid. That OK with you?” 

“Definitely,” I manage around a gasp when I grind against him in just the right way so that a small ridge on his groin plate rubs against my clit. 

“There you go.” He takes the back of my head and pulls me close, kissing me hard and deep. “Take what you need,” he breathes between kisses. “Take us there, baby.” 

Like earlier, I follow his direction and don’t regret it. Our eyes remain locked, and the closeness makes this feel intensely intimate, Garrus somehow seeing right through me. The look in his eyes, the heavy and thrilling and terrifying emotions I can see in there, makes me even more breathless than the sex. 

I can feel my heart thumping hard, and every pound of my heart threatens to shove the words right out of me, confess something I’m not sure either of us is ready for. Garrus’ eyes flash between mine, and I can feel his breaths coming in short gusts. He gathers the courage first and closes his eyes before pressing his forehead softly against mine. 

A shiver runs through me, and this one has almost nothing to do with how good he’s making me feel physically. I remember what he said the only other time our foreheads bumped, how intense he seemed to feel about it. With a little research, I learned that pressing their sensitive foreheads together is about the closest thing to a confession of love Turians can do without words. 

It’s intimate, suggests total trust, and isn’t something that any Turian takes lightly. Especially not my Turian, knowing Garrus. 

I don’t want him to think that I misunderstand, but more importantly, I need him to know that the feelings are mutual - even if I can’t say it. I lean into the contact, pressing our heads more firmly together. “Shepard,” he whispers, hands stilling and tensing, his talons pressing into my skin. 

“I know,” I promise, finding his eyes again before he kisses me. 

We stay connected in every way, our tongues tangling and our hands exploring while I ride him slowly and deliberately. My orgasm builds in precisely the same way, the climax coming much softer than the previous but still just as intense. Garrus swallows my moans in his mouth and then holds me very still, totally flush against him for a moment before he shudders and follows me over the edge. 

We stay like that for a while after, soft kisses and softer touches while we come back down. Totally exhausted and entirely sated, I don’t hesitate to let Garrus arrange me against the pillows. He disappears quickly and returns shortly, a warm cloth in his hand. I thank him and clean myself up, not sure I’ll ever want to be that intimate with someone. 

When we’re clean, and Garrus’ cock is safely tucked away, he climbs back into the bed beside me. His hot body is such a comfort, I curl against his chest and hold onto his neck. Garrus seems just as content to wrap himself around me and hold me against him, his chin resting on my head. 

I can feel the weight of sleep pulling me down hard and don’t fight it. Joker’s voice makes both of us jump, but neither of us moves away from the other. “Sorry for the late interruption, Commander, I just thought you’d want to know this before the morning.” 

“Go ahead, Joker,” I respond, not caring in the least that my voice is muffled by my face against Garrus and my sleepy brain. 

“The Council checked back in a few hours ago.” I hear Garrus chuckle softly at that, knowing he’s kept me occupied and thoroughly distracted for hours. I poke him in the side as playful punishment. “They want to talk more about the Reapers and Ilos, so they want us on the Citadel asap.” 

That perks me up immediately, and I lift my head just a little, looking down at Garrus because who else would I share my excitement with? I can tell he shares it. “Let’s - “ 

“Come on, Shepard, you know I already changed course.” 

“Of course you did,” I allow with a laugh. “You’re the best, Joker.” 

“Obviously. See you in the morning.” A soft beep tells me that he’s gone, and I settle back against Garrus, grateful that he’s eager to wrap his arms around me again.

“At least one thing went right today,” I mutter, more than ready to sleep. 

Garrus huffs softly. “I’m going to pretend you’re excluding the last few hours,” he responds, his words mumbled just like mine. I only have the energy to laugh and squeeze him a little tighter, falling asleep with the goofy grin still on my face.


	16. Treason

I wake slowly, a little confused at first before awareness comes in. I’m used to waking up to my alarm, my blanket kicked off at some point overnight, so I’m usually fairly cool. This morning, something very warm and heavy is on me...but it doesn’t occur to me as a bad thing, even while my brain is still fogged with sleep. 

A sharp bite of pain on my shoulder finally snaps me out of it, and my mind rushes into awareness, dragging a big, stupid grin on my face with it. 

Garrus is halfway on top of me and wrapped around me from behind, still naked, and waking me up with kisses on my neck and shoulder. “I don’t mind this wakeup call,” I mumble sleepily, rolling over slowly to face him. He only gives me enough room to move, and I happily plaster myself against him. 

“I didn’t want to sneak out,” he responds, nuzzling his face against me. I love the way his mandibles tickle just under my jaw when he speaks. “But I do have to get up. My Commander is relentless, and I have things to do.”

I laugh. “Something tells me your Commander will be OK with you sleeping in today.” 

“We did sleep in, Elle,” he informs me with a laugh. It surprises me enough that I shift him away to free my arm, checking my Omni-Tool for the time. It’s nearly three hours past when my alarm goes off, several hours already into the morning cycle. I curse under my breath, but Garrus pushes my hand down so that I can’t also check my messages. “Don’t. You’re staying in bed; sleep in more.” 

“I can’t, Garrus. I have things to do.” 

“Like what? All we’re doing is heading to the Citadel. I have work on the Mako, Tali and Alenko have tasks, Joker flies the ship. You can step back a little today.” 

“Are you aware that Kaidan is the only person on the ship you call by their last name anymore? And that was true even with Ash.” 

Garrus huffs at my sudden change in topic. Or maybe at the topic. “Alenko considers himself my competition for you. I’m extremely competitive, Shepard.” 

“Ew, please don’t make me sound like a trophy,” I protest, grimacing up at him. I watch him blink and then balk, quickly realizing his mistake. 

“Shit, no, that’s not what I meant. Now I sound like Alenko,” he grumbles, rolling his eyes at himself. “Just the thought of that little bastard, the way he stares at your ass and fawns over you. I guess it’s more...territorial than competitive.” 

I can’t help a smile and reach up to wrap my arms around his neck. “Well, I’m much more OK with you being territorial. You don’t have any competition though, Vakarian.” 

He just makes a soft sound at that and chooses not to argue it, leaning down to kiss my lips softly. Garrus doesn’t let me take it further before he pulls away, brushing his mouth plates over my forehead quickly. “You can change the topic all you want, but I’m serious - stay in bed for a while. Go back to sleep. You earned it.” He smirks and adds, “And we both know I won’t have a problem tying you to this bed if you argue.” 

“That’s far more tempting than it should be,” I inform him even while I pull the blankets back up to my chin. I might have argued a bit, but Garrus is right; I don’t need to be out of bed right now, and we’re still early in the morning cycle. Another hour or so won’t hurt anyone, and maybe it’ll make the things I have to do today a little more bearable. 

I refuse to let myself consider those things right now and watch Garrus instead. From bed, I can watch him gather his clothes from the bathroom where he ditched them in a rush last night and then come back out to get dressed. A guy his size - nearly seven feet and a solid two hundred pounds of hard plate, metal, and muscle - shouldn’t be as graceful as Garrus is in everything he does. I wonder if that’s common to Turians or if it’s just him. 

When he pulls his shirt on, I drink in the way his plates shift to reveal his muscle tone as he moves. While the plates and his overall shape are far from human, the lines of muscle appear fairly similar to mine; I can recognize his abs and his arms are just as defined as I’d expect in any well-built human. I don’t see him or his body as alien, especially now that I know it so well. 

“You’re good for my ego, kid,” he informs me with a smile in his voice as he pulls on his boots. Apparently, I was more ogling than looking, but I know he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t put his armor back on, likely because he’s going to change once he’s downstairs, and comes back to sit beside me on the bed. “I’ll be in the Cargo Bay most of the day.”

“Is that a hint you’re hoping for a visit?” I tease him. Garrus laughs and reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear before tugging my earlobe gently. The fond look is back on his face, and I have to fight the urge to pull him right back into this bed with me. “Thank you for staying. And for not sneaking out this morning.” 

“Thank you for letting me,” he returns sincerely. 

I gladly meet his kiss when he offers it and settle back against the pillow when Garrus leaves. It’s a little odd, staying in bed while someone else heads for work, but I could get used to this. Well, maybe not the staying in bed part. But it was really nice falling asleep with and then waking up next to Garrus Vakarian. 

Considering my job - our jobs - it’s not really an option to make this a regular thing. Besides, now we’re closing in on Saren, and that means our mission will be over soon. I could tell myself not to get attached, but that ship has sailed. So, something else is needed. A different solution since clearly, I can’t stay away from him. 

Instead of getting myself anxious again about things that I can predict or control, I choose to think about last night - the post-crying parts, anyway - and rollover. The pillow that Garrus used smells like him, warm metal and the musk of arousal, so I grab and hug it. I don’t find the pillow nearly as firm as I want it to be anymore, especially not in comparison to the Turian, but I do manage to fall asleep quickly when it feels like I’m still surrounded by him. 

I wake slowly again, disoriented this time because it’s so quiet and I’m alone. It’s been just over an hour since Garrus left, according to my Omni-Tool, and I figure that’s enough to fulfill my promise to sleep in. Especially considering how much later than usual this is for me. I have to admit it feels pretty good. 

There’s still a part of me that feels weird, maybe even a little guilty, for having a night like that knowing what’s coming. Saren is close to the Conduit, close to bringing the Reapers back, and we’re still in basic level talks with the Council to figure out a plan that might work. And I had some of the best sex of my life. I know that this is the part of me that still needs to recover from my trauma, my survivor’s guilt and the pressure I put on myself, but that doesn’t make it easier to ignore. 

I do my best to swallow it down for now while I climb out of bed. My shoulders are a little stiff when I stretch my arms over my head, and there’s a soreness deep inside me when I walk, but I can’t say that I particularly mind either one. Pounding hot water feels great, and I indulge in a couple extra minutes. 

Memories of last night filter back in, Garrus’ mouth and hands all over me. It’s so vivid that I can feel the strong leather of his hands and the heat of his body against my back, his scent surrounding me. My breath leaves me in a sigh when my fingers trail down my own body, still wet so that my fingers slip easily over my clit. 

I ride out the pressure, imagining my hand as Garrus’ and closing my eyes to block out anything else. Even in a fantasy, that Turian makes me feel amazing. I have to lean against the wall when the climax takes me to prevent my shaking legs from just giving out. I imagine what Garrus will do when I tell him about this and can’t help a smile when I finally clean myself up. 

I feel much more confident, more capable today than I did last night. I’m prepared to face the Council again and convince them that we need a fleet to take Saren down on Ilos. Whether or not they want to believe me about the Reapers, they know how much of a threat he is. Before getting dressed, I remember that Captain Anderson is still on the Citadel and shoot him a message; if nothing else, seeing my mentor always boosts my mood. 

I also remember, or really haven’t been able to forget at all, that I need to officially notify Admiral Hackett about Virmire and call Ashley Williams’ mom. It’s with that in mind that I decide to dress comfortably instead of in my usual ship wear, pulling on my favorite sweats and a black N7 tank top with my hair up in a simple ponytail. Instead of my boots, I grab the sneakers I wear for workouts before sitting down at my desk to complete my least favorite task of them all. 

Hackett is supportive, as usual. He’s always liked me, for whatever reason. Today, he doesn’t fully comment on the Reaper issue, but at least he doesn’t fully dismiss me on it either. When I give him the report on Virmire, Hackett bothers to ask how the team is holding up after the loss. And he presses to make sure I’m alright, even while we chase Saren. 

Talking to Mrs. Williams is a hell of a lot harder. She cries...she cries hard. I can tell how grateful she is to learn that Ashley died a hero and that I’ve made sure to include that in my official report. Ashley saved her family’s legacy, and it gives them something to move forward with. I manage to hold it together for the call, stay professional and strong while being compassionate. It’s never easy, but I’ve had more practice than I want to think about right now. 

Rounds are a welcome distraction for the next couple hours, Joker and Tali making me laugh while Liara is super kind, and Wrex tells me to get the hell over it. I need all of them today. By mid-afternoon, I’m starving and dying to see Garrus, who has been in the Cargo Bay all day. I shoot him an email promising peanut butter on my way to Mess Hall. 

I realize that I shouldn’t be annoyed to see Kaidan cleaning up his own lunch, but I can’t help it. Especially not after yesterday when he didn’t just challenge my command but questioned my honor and my ability to make objective mission decisions. “Oh...Shepard, wow,” he mutters when he sees me, brown eyes sweeping me quickly and then going wide. 

“What?” I ask, immediately self-conscious and even more regretting the question the moment it comes out of my mouth. I don’t want to know Kaidan’s thoughts while he’s looking at me like that. 

“I’m just not used to seeing you like this, Commander. You usually look...well, professional, I guess.” I hear the word that he chooses, but I can see from his expression that he’s trying to say I usually look better. I must show my shock on my face because he starts to backpedal quickly. “I mean, you-you always look great, Shepard. It’s just different, less…” 

“There is nowhere that telling me I look less than anything can go that I want to hear, Alenko, really. Please, let’s just...forget it.” 

“Yeah, OK.” I head for the fridge and try to pretend that Kaidan isn’t just standing by the sink and staring at me. I hate considering what he might be thinking while he’s looking at me now. “I did want to apologize for yesterday.” 

I take a breath to calm down. I’d much rather just not hear this apology; he always seems to make things worse by apologizing. “It’s not necessary, Kaidan. Yesterday was emotional for all of us.” I have to wonder if he gets tired of doing things that require an apology. 

“OK. Well...thanks. Did you maybe want some company for lunch?” 

He sounds so innocent that it’s almost tempting to accept the offer. Almost. “You’re welcome to stay if you’d like. Garrus is on his way up to join me.” As if on cue, we can hear the elevator approaching. 

“I don’t think Garrus would like that very much,” Kaidan notes with a soft chuckle, almost sounding like he’s gloating now. 

I remember Garrus saying earlier that Kaidan considers himself competition for the Turian. It’s just about as laughable as it is misogynistic and frustrating. He’s innocent and sweet to my face, but when I’m not around, the Lieutenant tries to make Garrus feel insecure. 

If Kaidan wants to play games, he’s got to learn that he’s up against the best.

“Oh, Kaidan,” I laugh, shaking my head a little. I even press my hand to my chest for dramatic effect. “I don’t think Garrus has many concerns about who else is around.” My cheeks start to flush, and I’m well aware that Kaidan notices; for once, I just don’t care. 

The elevator door slides open, and Garrus Vakarian comes strolling out like he owns the ship. The visceral way my body responds to just the sight of him - the muscles in my core clenching and my skin tingling as the air charges to life - is a good sign of his ownership. I watch a similar response in Garrus when his eyes meet mine, the predator inside him coming to life. 

“Hungry, big guy?” I asked, keeping eye contact. 

I can see that he seems a little surprised, but he never misses a beat. “Starved.” 

Kaidan clears his throat almost obnoxiously and announces, “I’ll, uh...I’ll head back to work. Enjoy your lunch.” I watch him disappear into the elevator in a rush, and then Garrus looks at me with his brow plates quirked. 

“It’s not worth mentioning,” I assure him. 

“Fair enough. And probably for the best. I’m having trouble concentrating,” he informs me, stalking toward the kitchen. His blue eyes leave a trail of heat while they scan me from head to toe and back. “Damn, Shepard. You look…” He trails off and shakes his head. 

I frown at him and look down at myself. Definitely still just wearing baggy sweatpants and a tank top that’s several years old. Kaidan’s reaction stung a little and is fresh in my mind, so I wonder if Garrus is messing with me for a second. “Are you serious? You like this?” 

“Damn right,” he breathes, lifting one hand to run his fingers down my arm. “All this skin, those hips. You drive me crazy.” I can just about feel the arousal pouring off of him, so I know he's sincere, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t turn me on like crazy. 

“Stop looking at me like that, or we’re not going to have lunch.” 

“I can think of something I want to eat much more than lunch, Elle.” 

“That is not fair,” I tell him, shaking my head and taking a step back so that I can breathe. It’s too hard when he’s standing close, the air around us too full of spark. Garrus just follow and traps me against the counter, planting his hands at either side of me to cage me in. 

“That was nothing,” he breathes, his voice full of danger and promise. “Not fair would be telling you I want to lay you out on this counter and devour you. Take you over and over, fill you with my cum until it’s dripping out of you.” 

“Jesus, Garrus,” I manage to mutter, falling into the counter behind me when my legs start to shake. I need to get some leverage here. “You know exactly how much you turn me on, hmm? Did you know that it’s so much I thought about you in the shower this morning?” I press my hands to his chest and push slowly up to his shoulders, trusting that Garrus will tell me if someone is coming. “I came all over again, thinking about how your cock feels inside me.” 

“Fuck, Shepard.” It comes out in a growl, and Garrus grabs my hips, slamming me into the counter. “You are…” He looks up and scowls. “Damn it, the elevator is coming up.” Blue eyes flash back to mine. “This isn’t over, kid.” 

He ducks his head and kisses my mouth hard, just once, before straightening and turning to the fridge. He has the door open like he’s looking for something, but I can see he’s just using it as a way to adjust his pants around the significant bulge from his erection. 

“Best of luck hiding that, big guy” I tease him while the doors open, revealing Tali and Wrex. Liara comes in from the Med Bay just a moment later. 

“I hope you know I’ll get you back for this,” he calls as I head for the table with my lunch when the others join us. Liara and Tali exchange a glance when they catch me laughing, but I decide to ignore it. Joker joins us just before Garrus finally comes to the table. 

No one manages to keep from laughing when the pilot and our resident sniper are together, even Wrex ending up doubled over before too long. With Garrus in the seat beside me and at ease around people I consider our friends, it’s damn hard to keep from touching him. He’s not helping, repeatedly brushing his leg against mine or even running his hand down my thigh under the table. 

It’s absurd that just these innocuous and hidden touches get me hot for him. After last night, I should be worn out and satisfied for a while. My stamina might need work, but my libido clearly isn’t suffering. At least not when Garrus is around. 

My Omni-Tool dinging with a message stops me from reaching under the table to get Garrus just as tortured as I am. An email from Captain Anderson offering to have dinner with me after I meet with the Council makes me smile. It’ll be good to see him. 

It occurs to me that my mentor and former commanding officer may have more insight on what I should do about Garrus than anyone else. And I trust his advice more than just about anyone else’s, too. If my brain and body could just agree to forget Garrus, everything would be much simpler for me. Anderson will get it; he’ll talk some sense into me. Maybe he’ll even have a solution to the whole thing. 

My stomach sinks the moment I think about that possibility. I may know it needs an ending, that everything ends sometime, but I’m in no rush to get there. 

For once, when I see the Council, I’m not in the middle of a mission, so I bother to get dressed in my Alliance formal blues the next morning. Sure, working for the Council is separate from the Alliance, but it’s the nicest uniform I have. I prefer to prove my worth through action, but I’m not stupid, and I’m aware that managing to look pretty sometimes gives me an advantage. 

If I thought any of the Councilors could be swayed by it, I would wear something with a little cleavage for a mission this vital. I need to stop the Reapers; nothing is going to keep me from it. 

When Kaidan sees me this time, his reaction is much different than the last time. Instead of telling me that I usually look more or better or whatever, he almost spits out his coffee. And I’m not ashamed to admit it puts a strut in my step as I head for my own cup. 

Joker is far less subtle, whistling in a way that would get any other pilot cited. “Lookin’ all fly and important, Commander! And look at all that regalia. I forget how many times you’ve been medaled.” 

“I think what you really mean to say is that you’re so jealous of my medals, you’ve blocked it out of your memory,” I tease him, smirking over my shoulder. 

“Hey, if I could shoot like you or fight like you or...walk like you, I would be the real hero.” I just raise my mug to him in a toast and choose not to argue it, trying to hide my smile in the coffee. Joker narrows his eyes and then flips me off, also something another pilot or soldier couldn’t get away with. Fortunately for Joker, I’m damn aware that there is no one better for the job. 

And I kinda love him, though I’m never going to admit it. 

I’m distracted by a sweet giggle as the elevator doors open, Tali emerging with Garrus and both of them laughing about something no one else is privy to. I do my best to ignore the pang of jealousy that feels like hot acid in my throat. 

Part of me wonders what would have happened if they had met first, if it had been Tali that Garrus danced with that night. From what Tali has told me, Quarian-Turian relationships are common. The two of them obviously get along. And Garrus would have to deal with any of my bullshit if he just fell for someone good, like Tali. 

And even as I muse on it, I can feel my stomach turning. I don’t want anyone else to have Garrus, not even in my imagination or hypothetical scenarios. 

“Wow, Shepard!” Tali gushes, dragging me from my thoughts. “You look so official. And clean.” 

I laugh at that, not nearly as insulted as I was when Kaidan made a weird comment. “Thanks, Tali. Sometimes I shower.” 

“And sometimes you use all the hot water on the ship,” Joker mutters, playfully talking into his mug. I throw a balled-up napkin at him, catching the brim of his hat. 

I try my hardest not to look up at Garrus, not to care about his opinion. And I fail. Maybe if I hadn’t spent last night alone after compiling and sending dozens of reports for the Council - putting together everything we know about the Reapers - I could manage it. Instead, I have to look, and then the heat in his gaze threatens to ignite me. 

He opens his mouth like he wants to say something, and then glances around before changing his mind. I kind of hate that I don’t get to hear whatever it was, but I’m grateful he considered who might hear us. Joker’s chair scraping back from the table gets me back on track yet again. 

“We’ll be docking in a few at the Citadel. What are your orders, boss lady? Shore leave?”

I shake my head. “Sorry, guys, I need the ship ready to go as soon as we get the OK from the Council so I can coordinate with their fleet.” 

“Is, uh...is anyone going with you?” Kaidan’s hopeful tone annoys me. 

“Garrus is coming with me. Liara, too, since she’s our resident Prothean expert.” Kaidan doesn’t argue it, just flashes me his best puppy dog eyes and then nods. I brace myself, waiting for Ashley Williams to pipe up and have a response...and then I remember. 

I’ll never get to argue with her again. Or talk about poetry with her or listen to her laugh. 

I inhale deeply through my nose, trying to quell the rising tide inside me before it gets out of control. At the table now, Garrus chuckles softly and then asks just as softly, “Is it weird that I really wish Ash was here to argue with those orders, just for the sake of it?”

Relief washes over me in instead, the wave bigger and faster than the panic and sadness, so it overtakes that and floods me in ease. I even manage a laugh. “I was just thinking the same thing.” 

“To Ashley,” Joker announces, raising his coffee mug in a toast. Everyone at the table follows suit, and I do as well. “May we never stop questioning orders.” 

“I’ll drink to that,” Wrex grumbles, everyone else confirming as well. I sip my coffee after the toast and watch them, this ragtag crew of misfits and aliens that would never fit together anywhere else. They’re missing someone, but not letting it hold them down. They’re going to let her memory, her sacrifice, fuel them for the rest of our mission. 

And I can do the same. 

“Vakarian, T’Soni. I’ll see you at the airlock.” 

I quickly down the rest of my coffee and then head to my quarters, aiming for my console. I have a habit of checking for messages last minute, in case there is anything I need to get or know about while I’m off the ship. I don’t even make it all the way across the room before I hear the door open. 

I know it’s Garrus before I turn around. Tingles break out all over my skin in anticipation of what he might want, what he’s doing here. I don’t have to wait long to find out. 

I don’t have to wait long to find out. Garrus makes quick strides across the room and is on me in the blink of an eye, backing me up until I’m caged by his big body against the wall. He makes a dive for my mouth, and I dodge it at the last second, ducking under his arm for space onto so that I can think straight again. 

“Garrus, did they all see you come in here?” 

He turns and blinks at me. “What?”

“The whole crew was out there, do they know you followed me in here?” My stomach knots when I think about the conversation that’s probably happening in the Mess hall right now. Commander Shepard can’t even focus on the most important mission of her life, she’s too worried about a guy. 

It’s unacceptable, and he should know better. 

“Shepard, I…” He takes a breath through his nose, and I can tell he’s trying not to get angry. Part of me wants him to, wants a fight today. “I slept here a couple nights ago. And left in the morning. I thought we were...somewhere different now, I don’t know.” 

“That was...we needed that,” I decide on, choosing my words carefully. I don’t want him to think I regret that night or letting him stay. “But we have to keep normal protocol as much as possible. It doesn’t change things.” 

Garrus snaps his head to the side, removing his gaze from mine so that I can’t see his pain, I know. He fails. I see it. 

“I knew that,” he mutters, words barely audible over the rumble of his second set of vocal cords when he speaks that deep and low. “I’m sorry.” Before I can argue that, he shakes his head and straightens. “The crew thought maybe the mention of Ashley upset you. I was asked to come in and check on you. So...no suspicion.” 

Relief floods me right before the guilt that has become so familiar washes in. I could have just kept my mouth shut. I can feel the distance between us growing again, and I hate it, forcing out a laugh. “Well, damn. Guess I missed I really good opportunity for a quickie then.” 

He barks out a laugh, and I can hear that it’s forced. I wish I could take the words back and find myself scrambling for an excuse. He’s told me already that he hates feeling used, especially by me. 

“Not that I...Garrus, that’s not - “ 

“Hey, relax,” he breathes, waving it off and even taking a step closer. “I knew what you meant. We’ll just have to take a...what do humans call it? A storm check or something?”

Now my laugh is more genuine. “Raincheck.” 

“Your idioms are so weird. But yeah, raincheck. OK?” 

“OK.” 

He motions with his head toward the door, smiling at me again. “Let’s go get us a fleet and end this thing.” 

My stomach drops even while my feet follow his motion and head toward the door. This whole thing is going to end soon. The mission will be over, and then Garrus will have to decide what comes next for him. I’ve been using the mission and him being under my command as an excuse not to move forward with him this whole time, but now the end of the mission is within reach. 

Now I have to figure out what comes next for us. 

*****

I’ve learned over the last year never to underestimate Commander Elle Shepard. 

She always seems to do the thing that is least expected, forges a new path forward and creates new situations - usually for the better, but the woman knows how to make a mess. Sometimes her temper gets her in trouble; I know that, too. 

I have the distinction of knowing Shepard better than anyone in the galaxy knows Shepard, which is an achievement even if she’s kept most of herself walled off. 

Never did I imagine that I would have to physically restrain her from punching Ambassador Udina right in his annoying little face. Clearly, I underestimated her. 

Part of me really wants to let her go and watch her tackle the asshole. I should probably let her at the entire Council. They called us here on a lie, promising to take the threat of the Reapers more seriously only to tell us that they will not support our mission to Ilos to stop Saren from getting the Conduit. Worse, they grounded the Normandy to prevent us from going ourselves. 

We were betrayed by the very people who charged us with our mission in the first place. 

The other part of me gets fired up whenever Shepard does and wants to tackle her to the floor right here, test out the strength of the Prothean engineering on this platform. I manage to control myself enough to wrestle her away from the Ambassador before she gets charged with assault. 

“Damn it, Udina, you are a pathetic excuse for a man, a soldier, or a human,” she snaps at him, gripping my arm where it restrains her. I can feel her hands shaking, her heart racing. “You are all actively endangering the galaxy, and I will not pretend otherwise when this blows up in your faces. And when you need me to save you - and believe me when the Reapers come, you’ll need me - I’ll remember this.” 

She eases her grip and nods to me, so I feel secure enough to release her, but I’m not stupid enough to let her get between Udina and me. She has to be able to trust me on her six all the time, and at the moment, protecting Shepard means from herself. 

Whether or not it’s because she knows she can’t just barrel through me, Shepard spins and marches back off the platform. For once, I have to hurry to keep up with her as we tear through the Presidium. Poor Liara is all but running. Shepard is grumbling to herself the entire way to the rapid transit - which she almost never takes on the Citadel - and rips off her Alliance uniform jacket even before it arrives. I do my best not to notice all the exposed skin when she’s in just a tank top. 

In the cab, she’s silent and practically vibrating in her seat. I can see her hands clenching the seat, and her eyes darting up at me quickly. I know she wants to tear at me, whether for violence or sex...and I think she’d prefer the first right now. 

Unfortunately, we’re released onto the Normandy and greeted by chaos. Joker is almost in panic mode, infuriated and terrified all at once that he can’t fly his ship. Alenko pegs question after question about the meeting in rapid-fire, and the rest of the crew is milling around anxiously. Shepard lasts maybe thirty seconds under all of it before she finally snaps. 

She grabs a helmet off the table in Mess Hall and throws it across the room, the bang echoing. The only thing louder is her shout: “Enough! Back off.” 

The room goes silent, truly without the Normandy’s engines, and everyone just stares as Shepard crosses to her locker. She kneels to access it, only to fail at the lock three times. Before I can move in to help, Kaidan Alenko again finds his stupid and approaches her again. 

Tali turns to look at me from across the room and throws her hands up, mirroring the frustration with him that I feel. He really just seems incapable of learning his lesson. I’m afraid that Shepard may actually kill him for it today, but I hang back to let it play out for now. 

“What the hell happened out there, Commander?” Alenko asks, standing over Shepard so that he has to look down at where she’s now sitting on the floor with her back to the lockers. I can tell from the set of her shoulders that she doesn’t like it, recognizing it as a power stance - a dominant move - from him. She looks up with her eyes but doesn’t tilt her head. 

“Udina couldn’t wait to stab me in the back,” she practically growls. 

“You’ve done everything they asked and more,” Liara tells her, leaning against the counter beside me. “Nobody else could have done what you did.” 

“She’s right,” Tali chimes in. I think it’s cute that they’re trying to cheer her up this way, but I already know it’s not going to work. Although at least they aren’t actively pissing her off. “It’s not right. The Council owes you everything. So does Udina. And they ground the Normandy to pay you back!” 

“Maybe we could appeal and get them to reverse their decision,” Alenko pushes. 

Shepard scoffs. “I pushed as hard as I could. Have you ever known me to do anything halfway? They wouldn’t budge.” 

Alenko returns her scoffs, and I hear several people around the room gasp. It’s a miracle Shepard doesn’t shoot him, and anyone else would run for their lives from the fire in her eyes. Alenko is so obviously not smart enough to be anyone else. “So, you’re just going to walk away? You just give up and doom the galaxy to extinction?” 

“Shit, Kaidan, you are - “ 

“OK, that’s enough,” I announce, pushing off the counter and interrupting Shepard from saying something I know she’s a good enough person to regret later. I step right up to Alenko and do what I’ve been dying to for a year now, placing my hand on his chest and physically moving him away from Shepard. He stumbles back, and I ignore him. 

“Garrus, I…” 

“I know,” I tell Shepard, reaching down to her. “Get up. Get up now.” She grips my hand and allows me to pull her right up to her feet. 

“Listen, Shepard.” 

I spin back to glare at Kaidan. “I’ve got her, Alenko.” I can tell that he wants to argue that, but I don’t give him a chance, all of my focus going where it belongs. 

I take Shepard’s face between my hands and guide her to look up at me, barely controlling the urge to wrap my hand around her throat. She tilts her head back just a little, and I know that she wants me to hold her that way, too. I know she won’t like that later if the whole crew sees, though. 

Focus. 

“Breathe,” I tell her, keeping my voice low and quiet the way she likes. I can feel her pulse thrumming rapidly against my thumb, and it slows just a little when she listens and takes a deep breath through her nose. “There you go. No murdering the crew or human ambassadors, OK?”

“I can make no promises,” she snarks. That’s a good sign. 

“OK, well, I can make a promise. Look at me.” Green eyes snap back up to meet mine. “We are going to figure this out, we are going to get to Ilos, and we are going to stop Saren. That’s a promise.” 

Shepard narrows her eyes for like half a second and then has to fight a smile, emerald eyes sparking to life again - finally. She slumps against me, and I release her face to wrap my arms around her. Shepard’s head lands heavily on my chest, and her arms come around me, no regard given to who might be watching. “I don’t deserve you,” she mutters against my armor. 

“You don’t, that’s true, but no one really ever will,” I tease, earning a poke in my waist even though she knows I can’t feel that through my armor. 

Her heartbeat is steady again, and I can feel the strength returning to her, reset after being broken down by Udina, the Council, and Alenko. Pride swells in my chest, knowing that I did this for her. That I’ve served my purpose on her six and did the job proud. 

“Shepard!” Joker shouts so loudly and so suddenly that we both startle and my arms tighten around Shepard in an instinct to protect her. 

“God, Joker, what?” Shepard demands, only releasing me enough to turn toward the pilot and not turning away from me completely. If she’s not moving, I’m not either, so I keep my arm around her. 

“Captain Anderson sent a message to the ship. He says it’s urgent and he wants to see you at that club, Flux. But that’s all he would say.” 

Shepard heaves out a sigh and looks back up at me. “Well, if nothing else, we can grab some shots. Wanna come get me drunk, big guy?” 

“How could I argue with that?” 

She smiles and then pulls away from me to address the crew. “Everyone should stay here until I have answers and...something of an idea. Or a plan. I don’t know. Just...assume you’re on active duty unless you hear otherwise from me.” 

The crew snaps back into order and goes about their business. Shepard ducks into her quarters for a moment to change, and I wait in Mess Hall, avoiding Alenko and hoping he affords me the same courtesy. “Do you think she’s OK?” Tali asks, resting her hand over mine on the counter. 

“Of course,” I assure, catching a hand-shaped just like mine and giving it a squeeze. “It’s Shepard. There’s nothing she can’t handle, and we’ve got her back. Right?” Tali nods, and Liara smiles, both of them relaxing a little. 

I hear Shepard’s door open again and turn to face her, watching a different Shepard step out than the one who went in. She’s in her armor, and I recognize that choice as a signal that she’s fighting in whatever way she can. Her head is high, and her shoulders are back; this is the Shepard that all of her enemies should fear. 

I was certain a moment ago that we would figure something out. Now I’m just scared for whoever gets in her way. 

“That’s my girl,” I mutter when I join her at the airlock, unable to help myself. 

“I’m not done yet, Garrus. I’ll be damned if I let Sparatus and Udina be what stops me from saving the galaxy.”

No longer defeated, Shepard is near to boiling with anger. It’s better, an improvement, but I’d still prefer my Commander as herself. We step into the elevator, and the answer feels clear to me. “I’m going to tell you a story. You should know that I’m not proud of this anymore, but I know it’ll make you feel better, so I’m telling it.” 

Shepard gives me a strange look but leans against the elevator wall with her arms crossed, listening. 

“When I was fourteen, right before going into military school, my father got one of those marriage contracts I told you about.” 

“Wait, you were getting them at fourteen? How early can you get married?” She balks with an expression so shocked I can’t help laughing at it. 

“We can’t get married until we finish primary training, actually - seventeen or eighteen. But the contracts are often set-up in advance. Turians really like to be prepared,” I remind her. She makes a thoughtful sound, and I continue. “Anyway, he got one from Councilor Sparatus for his daughter, who is our age. Of course, my dad jumped at the opportunity and dragged me to the Citadel to meet her.” 

“I’ll bet he did. A Councilor’s daughter, that has to be kind of a big deal for the whole family merit thing.” She gives me the sort of once over that speaks to my primal urges and smirks. “So you’re quite the stud on Palaven, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what a stud is, and that’s a story for a different day.” She laughs and nods for me to keep going. “I didn’t want to be there, I definitely didn’t want a fiance at fourteen, I didn’t want her. Well, she didn’t want me either - which ended up being a blessing. My father and hers leave us alone in his office, and I swear, she started stripping out of her clothes.”

“What?!”

“I had no idea what was going on, I wanted to jump out the window before I got caught and blamed. Then she tells me that’s her plan - she wants us to get caught going at it on her father’s desk because then he’ll never approve of our marriage. Win-win for us.” 

Shepard explodes in laughter, her face red and the sound contagious. “I like this girl! So, did you?”

I scoff at her. “What do you mean did I? I was fourteen, and she was naked, you’re damn right I did.” Shepard’s laughter echoes around the elevator, and she has to bend over, hands on her knees, gasping for air. “The plan worked, they caught us. Man, I took a beating for that one.” 

Green eyes flash up at me. “Worth it?”

“Oh, absolutely. Especially now. You know, whenever Sparatus is acting all smug, he glances at me, and I can see him remembering his daughter bent over his desk, some punk ass teenager drilling her.” 

Shepard straightens, wiping tears from her eyes and still chuckling. “And loving it too, I’m sure. Oh, and now every time Sparatus looks at me, I will remember this. Thank you, that helps so much.” 

“When you let me take care of you, I don’t do a terrible job at it, kid.” 

“You’re not wrong,” she allows. Without warning, her eyes change from bright and full of laughter into a dark and sad emerald gaze. Before I have a second to ask about it, Shepard shakes it off visibly and looks away from me. She’s saved by the elevator releasing us, but at least she doesn’t run from me. 

I assume she’s still tense about what we’re facing, about what Captain Anderson might have to say, so I place my hand firmly on her shoulder as we reach the rapid transit station. The smile is back when she nods at me and feel some relief at a job well done. 

Alenko only pissed her off more, and I helped. She might not like that I’m competitive about her, but Turian nature can only be helped so much. 

Minutes later, we’re walking into Flux, where Captain Anderson is sitting at a table alone and nursing a drink. He looks much different than the only other time I saw him, now wearing just a plain black shirt instead of his full formal uniform. He looks younger this way, enough that he fits in with the crowd. 

“Elle,” he greets her, standing as we approach. I know something of their history, and I recognized how comfortable they were with the other when I met them both almost a year ago now. “I can see you’re pissed, but it’s still good to see you.” 

He’s just as good at getting Shepard to smile as I am, and it makes me like him instantly. 

She accepts his hug before turning back to me and motioning. “You remember Garrus Vakarian.” 

“Hard to forget,” Anderson responds cryptically, though I notice Shepard narrow her eyes at him for it. He extends his arm, and I shake his hand instead of his forearm. He seems pleased by that. “I’m glad you came, Shepard. I heard what happened.” 

“The Normandy’s been grounded,” Shepard grumbles, yanking a chair out from the table and then sitting down hard. It would be a petulant move if the woman doing it weren’t so damn deadly. I wait for Anderson to sit as well and then take a chair beside Shepard. 

“I know. I’m sorry,” he offers. “I wanted to warn you, but there was no way to get a message to you before you docked. I know you’re pissed off right now, but you can’t give up. They think this is over, but we all know it’s not.” Anderson leans forward, deep brown eyes flashing back and forth between Shepard and me. “You have to go to Ilos. You have to stop Saren from using the Conduit.” 

“There’s only one ship that can get me into the Terminus Systems undetected, and she’s grounded,” Shepard notes, raising her eyebrows and throwing her hands up a little. 

Anderson nods a little. “Citadel control locked out all of the Normandy’s systems. But if we override the Ambassador’s order, we can get them to bring the Normandy back online.” 

I feel the words hit me like a smack, blinking in surprise. Shepard leans over the table. “If we steal the Normandy, you’re the one left holding the bag.” 

It says a lot about her that her concern is for Anderson and not the fact that she just said if we steal the Normandy as an actual possibility. 

“And if Saren finds the Conduit, life as we know it is over. The Reapers will destroy us.” Even if I think Anderson is a little crazy at the moment, it’s nice to have someone in command believe us about what’s really going on and how dangerous the situation is. “You and your crew are the only ones you can stop him, Shepard. So I’ll do whatever it takes to get you on the Normandy and off this station.” 

Shepard sits back hard in her seat, her eyebrows raised. She looks over at me, and all I can do is shrug a little. Anderson doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to be talked out of something...especially considering he mentored Shepard. If she learned from him, the guy must have an iron will. 

“What’s your plan?” Shepard asks him finally. 

“I can unlock the Normandy from one of the consoles in the Citadel Control Center. You’ll have a few minutes before anyone realizes what happened.” 

Whether or not he’s the kind to be talked out of something, this is a terrible plan, and I can’t keep quiet on it. “That’s a restricted area patrolled by armed guards. Heavily. How are you going to get in?”

“Leave that to me,” Anderson says casually, brushing that off. “Just make sure you’re on the Normandy when the systems come back online.” 

Shepard glances at me for feedback again. This time, I have to shake my head. I can’t let him make a mistake like this, if for no other reason than that it will hurt Shepard immensely. I remember how upset she was at the idea that he was given a desk job for her to get the ship; if he’s arrested by C-Sec and charged with treason for her to steal the ship, it’ll break her heart. 

I’d much rather piss Anderson off than hurt Shepard. 

“I don’t like it,” Shepard tells him. “There’s got to be a better way.”

Anderson seems to consider that for a moment. “Udina issued the lockdown order. If I can hack into the computer in his office, maybe I can override it.” 

“He’s not just going to stand by and let you do that,” Shepard snorts. Old friends or not, she has balls talking to a Captain in her military like this. 

Anderson is still totally casual about it, though. “Hopefully, he won’t be in his office. If he is...I’ll just have to think of something.” 

“Guy like that is bound to have a glass jaw,” I mutter, kind of loving the idea of someone laying the little varren shit out. 

“Stop that,” Shepard scolds me even with a little smirk. “Udina is not the type to forgive this kind of thing. You’ll be charged with treason, Anderson, a capital offense!” 

“If you take the ship, everyone on board will be charged right along with me,” he counters. “We don’t have a lot of options here. Either I hack Udina’s computer, or I take my chances with patrols in the Control Center.” 

“Damn it,” Shepard groans. “I know we have to do something, but those both suck.” Anderson laughs a little at that but doesn’t cave. 

“You have a better chance with Udina’s computer,” I offer, trying to make this as easy as possible for Shepard. “The Control Center is too well guarded.” 

Shepard nods confidently. “I would take his advice.” It’s damn hard not to preen at that, and I can see Anderson is impressed by the vote of confidence as well. 

“I was kind of hoping for that. The ambassador has made this personal,” Anderson admits, proving that he has some of Shepard’s temper and not just her stubbornness. “You ready to get the hell off this station and take Saren down, Commander?”

Shepard pushes to her feet, and I follow her. “Let’s do it.” 

Anderson stands. “I’ll take care of the lockdown. You get to the Normandy and tell Joker to stand-by.” Shepard nods and salutes him quickly before pounding her fist on her my shoulder twice rapidly and then heading past me. I extend a hand politely before turning to catch up, and Anderson accepts but then keeps a hold, preventing me from moving away. “It’s your responsibility to take care of her, Vakarian.” 

“I know, sir,” I assure him, well aware that he’s right. “I’ll keep her safe.” 

He eyes me for a moment and then nods to himself. “Yes, I think you will. Go.” 

He releases my hand, and I salute quickly before rushing off behind Shepard. Now keeping Shepard safe isn’t just a personal mission, but an order. And I might be the worst Turian in the galaxy, but I’m not about to disobey that order. 

We have treason to commit and a galaxy to save.


	17. Yours

“I don’t do speeches, and I’m not really a big moments kind of person.” 

The whole crew is staring at me, and I hate it. Feeling exposed like this is precisely why I don’t do speeches or big moments. I seek out Garrus, leaning casually against the wall beside Wrex, and find impossibly blue eyes already on me. He gives a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, and it steels me. 

I’m Commander Shepard; I can make a damn speech. 

“I’m just gonna give this to you straight. We’re stealing the ship to go to Ilos and stop Saren. Anyone who is on the ship when we do that will be charged with treason.” 

A low murmur breaks out among the crew, some of them shifting uncomfortably, but at least no one is running screaming. Yet. The aliens on the crew won’t have as much to deal with; the Council can basically just frown at them, and their own governments or military leaders might be a little upset. But the members of the crew who are Alliance will face jail time and losing their rank. 

Kaidan and Pressly exchange a glance. I watch the navigator shake his head firmly before spreading his legs into a determined stance; he’s not going anywhere. Kaidan doesn’t seem quite as sure, and Joker whispers something harsh enough that the lieutenant flinches. Garrus and Wrex are glaring daggers at him from behind as well. 

“It’s fine,” I announce, “I get it. None of you is under any obligation to stay. But if you’re going to leave, you need to do it right now because I have a galaxy to save. If you’re staying, gear up. We’re going to Ilos, and we’re gonna kick some ass.” 

“Damn right!” someone shouts. The murmurs shift into a brief round of cheers, and then everyone is off, dashing for their stations in preparation for the ship to be released from Citadel controls. At least it was quick and painless as far as speeches go. 

I get away from the little podium of the galaxy map and away from any additional speeches. Joker told me it’s about five hours to Ilos from here, and I know exactly how I need to spend them. 

The Turian is making his way toward me already, a smirk on his unbearably handsome face. Part of me really wants to ask what Anderson said after I walked away in Flux, but once he gets closer, any nonsense thoughts fly right out of my head. “What do you need to handle right now?” he growls. 

“I think telling you what I want to handle in public would be really inappropriate.” 

Blue eyes flash at me, igniting a blaze in my core. “I have to check in with my baby sister. If something goes wrong, I’ll…” He trails off and shakes his head, but I don’t need any more explanation than that. He wants to make sure he talks to his sister, just in case. 

“I get it. I should do reports before letting you ruin me.” It has the desired effect, and Garrus moans, and not quietly. I’m certain Wrex heard when he starts chuckling on the way past us, slapping Garrus on the shoulder amicably as he goes. I can’t help a laugh at the anguished look on the Turian’s face. “Go. Tell Solana I can’t wait to meet her someday.” 

“And that would ruin me,” he quips, reaching out to tug my ear lobe quickly before turning and heading for the elevator. I force myself not to watch his ass as he goes. I have basically no choice but to duck into my quarters to keep myself from doing it, but the quiet is welcome. 

I figure that most of the team is doing exactly what Garrus is right now, reaching out to their family and loved ones. Just in case. I did just see Captain Anderson, and I assume he’s fairly busy running from trouble with C-Sec and the Ambassador right now, but I shoot him a message anyway after stripping out of my armor. He’s not much of a big moment person either, so I know to be brief. 

What do you say to the man who saved your life?

* I’m not going to let you down, Sir. * 

There’s really nothing more important than that between the two of us. I know he’ll appreciate it. I also know I’ll be back after taking Saren down, so I don’t need final moment worries. Besides, I updated all of my final records and wishes weeks ago. 

The only other person I could possibly need to say anything important to is Garrus. He means more to me than anyone else in the galaxy, and he’s the only person other than Anderson that I consider my family. And he knows absolutely none of that. Because I haven’t had the courage to tell him. I don’t even know what happens to Garrus or to us after the mission is over. 

My heart leaps into my throat when the doors swish open behind me, anxious to see him. And maybe to tell him that I’m crazy about him. Probably not, but I can at least touch him. 

It’s Kaidan Alenko standing my quarters now, though. Part of me feels guilty for the way my stomach sinks in disappointment. Kaidan has been a valuable part of this team, and he hasn’t been mean to me. But at the same time, it’s not just annoying that Kaidan isn’t listening when I tell him I’m not interested. I’ve been clear since the kiss, even that I regretted the kiss, but Kaidan persists. 

I don’t like men who think they know what a woman wants better than she does. And Kaidan is determined to convince me that I want him. 

The thought hardens me. The knowledge that Garrus is going to be coming up here soon and will feel like crap if he finds Kaidan in here steels my resolve and my arms cross over my chest before I even realize I’m going to take the pose. 

“What’s up, Kaidan?” Not rude, but distant. A little cold. Professional. 

Kaidan doesn’t notice. Tali calls him the most oblivious person in the galaxy, and she might be right. 

“Commander.” 

That makes me laugh, the sound bubbling up before I can stop it. “You probably shouldn’t be calling me that,” I remind him. “Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be wearing this uniform.” 

“Yeah, hell of a thing,” he murmurs, approaching me where I stand in front of my desk. He seems oddly comfortable in here. “We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so that we can keep it.” I watch his shoulders sink. “What happens if this doesn’t work out, Shepard? We stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We’re a hell of an example of humanity’s best and brightest, huh?”

I can’t help but feel like there’s a jab directly at me somewhere in there, a bruised ego that he wasn’t considered as humanity’s first Spectre. But that barely registers. An hour ago, he was goading me to get something done after the Council meeting. Now he wants to be a bitch about the results. 

I have to take a deep breath through my nose. Maybe I’m not officially with the Alliance at this moment, but I do still have an example to set - as Kaidan just reminded me. 

“I keep reminding myself we’re doing the right thing.” It’s the simplest thing I can offer him. 

“Look, Shepard.” He takes a step closer, still an arm’s length away so I don’t move or stop him. Yet. “If I didn’t think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn’t be here.” 

Wow, he actually said the right thing for once. I know Kaidan can see the surprise on my face when he smiles. It’s a sweet smile, soft and gentle. I still find him handsome, and I still think his heart is usually in the right place. He’s just got a lot of growing up to do for someone who is several years my senior. 

“It’ll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos,” Kaidan notes, shifting back and forth between his feet the way he does when he’s nervous or uncomfortable. “Shepard, if things don’t go well, I want you to know…”

He trails off, and my chest tightens. I’ve heard this tone before, and I have some idea of where it’s going. Before I can stop him, Kaidan steps closer again, this time almost closing the distance between us entirely. 

“I’ve enjoyed serving under you,” he murmurs, voice soft and deeper than usual. It’s an attempt at intimacy, maybe even at seduction. I hate myself, knowing that he thinks it’ll work because of a moment of weakness. 

But I’ll be damned if I make the same mistake twice. 

“You’ve been an asset to the squad, Alenko,” I inform him. I don’t move away because I think it might be interpreted as him making me nervous. Instead, I square my shoulders and watch him straighten on instinct when a commanding officer does. Kaidan needs to remember that he does indeed serve under me, stolen ship or not. 

“I just needed you to know that I think about losing you, and I can’t stand it,” he blurts out, the words coming in a rush like a dam has broken somewhere inside him. Brown eyes flash back and forth between mine, Kaidan searching for something to hold onto. 

There’s nothing in me for him. I’m too full already. 

“Kaidan, I’ve been clear on this. There is nothing for you to lose. There never will be, not with me.” 

It’s actually an effort not to put an apology in my tone. To soften it. I don’t want to hurt him, to upset him. But I know that’s crap, too. I have a right to my feelings, and he has a responsibility to listen. 

He gives a harsh exhale and then laughs just a little, shoulders relaxing a bit. I can’t decide if it makes me more at ease or more nervous. “You know, he might be a great shot, but sometimes I wish he’d never come on board.” 

Kaidan doesn’t have to say Garrus’ name for me to know who he’s talking about. 

“Whether or not Garrus was here, nothing would have happened between us.” He doesn’t need to know that no one has ever gotten me hot enough to consider breaking regs before, and I seriously doubt anyone else is capable of it. “And honestly, if you cared about me the way that you say you do-” 

“I care about you!” 

“Then you should be grateful that Garrus is here. You should be happy for me.” 

He gasps a little and eyes me; we both know that this is the closest I’ve come to admitting that something is going on with Garrus and me. If the Alliance needs to add it to the list of charges, I imagine it’ll fall pretty far down at this point. 

“Kaidan...Garrus makes me feel like I can take on the universe. And right now, I kind of have to. Why is it so terrible that someone makes me happy, even if that someone isn’t you?” 

I watch his mouth open and then close again, something like anger flashing through his eyes before it’s replaced by guilt and then pain and then back again. Clearly, the guy has a lot to think about and a lot to consider, so I’m even more grateful than usual when the doors whoosh open to interrupt us. 

It hurts like hell to watch Garrus take in the scene, though. I can see the uncertainty, can watch the memory of the last time he saw Kaidan in here flash through his mind. 

I look back to Kaidan and give him the opportunity to excuse himself, to decide to do the right thing. To care about me. When he just continues to look back and forth between Garrus and me, I give up on him. “Hey, big guy. Kaidan was just leaving.” 

“Oh. OK.” I can hear the relief in Garrus’ voice, and then when I look up at him, his swagger has returned. He prowls through the room, eyes only for me, and if Kaidan doesn’t leave soon, he’s going to get a show. I remember the look in Garrus’ eyes when I mentioned him ruining me; damn, I want him. 

“Yeah, OK. I’ll, uh...see you both tomorrow. For Ilos.” 

“See ya,” Garrus practically chirps, even patting Kaidan on the shoulder as they pass one another. 

I fight back a laugh and narrow my eyes to scold the cocky Turian. He just smirks at me and then glances back, both of us watching the dejected lieutenant go. 

“I almost feel bad for him,” Garrus allows. 

“Because I threw him out, and you gave him a pity pat on the back?” I laugh. 

Garrus chuckles and then lunges for me, yanking me into his arms before turning to press me against the wall. “No, because he’ll never get to know how incredible you taste.” 

He kisses me boldly, his tongue sweeping through my mouth with such hunger that my legs go weak, and I have to slump into the wall behind me. 

“He’ll never know how amazing you feel inside,” he growls, nipping at my jaw lightly while kissing along it. “Never know how tight you grip my cock when you’re cumming.” 

“Fuck, Garrus,” I gasp out, scrambling for purchase - physically and mentally. “Part of the reason he’ll never know is that I’m damn sure his cock his nothing like yours.” 

That gets him chuckling again, and he gives my throat a sharp nip. “Hmm. Did someone develop a thing for Turian cock?” 

“No,” I reply firmly. Garrus pauses and pulls back to look at me, concern flashing in his eyes. “Just yours. Just you.” 

I hear his breath catch and then a growl tears from his throat. “You’re damn right it’s just me.” I’m surrounded entirely by him after that, Garrus pinning me against the wall and rolling his hips into me. That glorious Turian cock throbs against my stomach. “What’s your safeword, Shepard?”

“Shampoo.” 

“That’s my girl.” 

Everything is a blur from there, Garrus a whirlwind of hands and mouth and tongue. Before I can figure out what’s happening, I’m naked and on my bed with a beautiful man on top of me. When I get to my senses, I get some control and manage to wrestle him underneath me. 

“All that talk about Turian cock, you are not holding it back from me,” I inform him plainly, my knees pressing into his shoulders. 

“I don’t want to hold anything back from you,” he tells me. I watch blue eyes center right between my thighs, and then a long, agile tongue sneaks out to lick his mandible. Garrus reaches above him to grab a pillow and bends it in half, getting himself comfortable on my bed. He then looks me right in the eye. “Come here.” 

I hesitate, a little unsure of what he actually wants from me and what I’m willing or able to do. Garrus doesn’t wait, sneaking his hands under my ass and tugging me forward. I have to reach out to catch myself on the headboard. I’m given no opportunity to catch my balance before Garrus pulls my ass down and tilts his head up, licking me long and slow. 

I make some sort of inhuman sound, and a hot rush floods me, his tongue flicking my clit at the culmination of the lick. He repeats the move again, and I can’t help rolling my hips against him. “Good girl,” he purrs, the vibration moving right through me. “Ride me.” 

A shudder runs up my spine when I realize what he wants, what he wants me to do. I don’t need more direction than that. Garrus moans and growls while my hips roll and twist and grind against him, his tongue lapping deep inside me and swirling my clit, using just the right amount of pressure. Once, I worry that I might be keeping him from breathing, but Garrus pulls my ass down harder, giving me unspoken permission to take whatever I want. 

He devours my orgasm with the sexiest sounds I’ve ever heard and tries to stop me from moving away after. “Your cock,” I manage to gasp. “I need your cock.” 

Again, there’s no hesitation. Garrus simply flips us over so that he’s on top of me. He sits back on his haunches, and I watch his hand drop to grip his shaft. He strokes slowly with a firm grip, watching me watch him the whole time. 

The thing really is beautiful, a deep blue with ridges dancing in a swirled pattern. His quad rests heavily, just as blue and just as bold. I never thought of cock as attractive before Garrus - maybe I have developed a thing. 

“I love when you look at me like that. Tell me how you want it.” 

I make sure that his gaze is locked on mine when I answer, “Hard.” 

Garrus makes a sound that is almost pained and closes his eyes like he’s trying to control himself. When he opens them, the sheer power and intensity in that impossible blue knocks the wind out of me. Something that feels like a lot like fear runs down my spine. 

“Do not move,” he growls, not giving me a chance to think about it before slipping off of me. 

“Please don’t leave.” I don’t really mean to say it out loud. The instinctual fear at having a predator on top of me, combined with the potential of being left - rejected and vulnerable - feels like too much. 

He pauses before getting all the way off the bed, one knee still on the mattress, and studies me for a moment. Just when I’m about to panic, Garrus smiles softly. “Kid, we both know you trust me. Stop talking yourself out of it.” He leans down to kiss me, his mouth just brushing my lips. “I won’t hurt you.” 

“I know that.” And I do. He’s right; even when I feel a little fear, my instincts never make me want to run. Never make me doubt or question him. I’m safe with Garrus, no matter what. 

He must see something that reassures him in my eyes because he stands at the side of the bed. Evidently, I had nothing to worry about because he doesn’t go far, only to where his pants were haphazardly discarded on the floor. I watch him collect his belt, my mouth already dry, and then he turns toward me. He snaps the leather, and somehow the sound is connected directly to my clit. 

I’m sure he notices the reaction when he quirks his brow plates. “I’m guessing that’s something you just learned about yourself, too, but we’ll explore that later.” 

“Oh, shit.” 

Garrus laughs and crawls back onto the bed. I don’t get an explanation for the belt because the hot, hard, gorgeous Turian spreads his body over mine. His tongue explores my mouth with a hunger I can taste, his hands travel my breasts and waist blazing heat everywhere he goes. The man has absolutely mastered my body and has me writhing under him in moments.

“You’re so beautiful,” he purrs into my ear, nuzzling my cheek. “Your body is fucking magnificent.” I can hear myself whimpering pathetically, but I can’t stop, can’t resist that sinful voice of his. His teeth graze my ear, and his erection is hot and heavy at my hip. “I could worship you forever, Elle.” 

“Garrus, please, just…” The words die in my throat when I reach for him, planning to pull him closer and try to get his magnificent cock inside me. But my hands aren’t moving.

He gives a sharp yank and leather I hadn’t even noticed before then tightens around my wrists. I tilt my head back to look up and have to gasp. Garrus successfully and rather impressively distracted me. Enough that I didn’t notice him tethering me to the headboard. 

“Look at me,” he breathes again, rubbing his nose against mine. I can see him searching my eyes. “You know your safeword. And I’m right here. OK?” 

I take a deep breath to try and calm my racing heart, settle the anxiety rising in my gut. 

“You’ve never been restrained before.” He doesn’t say it like a question, but I shake my head to answer him anyway. “OK. Breathe. Feel it, don’t avoid thinking about it.” 

I focus on his words and then on the belt, the leather encasing my wrists. I can feel the cool metal of the headboard railing behind my hands and the warmth of the belt pressing into my skin. It doesn’t hurt, and I find that it’s not a tight hold; I could break out fairly easily if I wanted to. I’m not trapped. 

“I’d like to do what I promised,” Garrus breathes, leaning down to run his mouth down the column of my throat. His breath gusts hot and heavy across my skin, and cool goosebumps break out all over me. I gasp when he nips my collarbone. “I want to fuck you, Shepard. Hard.” 

“Oh, God...Garrus.” 

“I need you to feel safe. I’d still be more than happy to fuck you when you’re untied, believe me.” Something like a choked whimper that I barely recognize as coming from me escapes, and Garrus slides down my body, nuzzling my breasts. “Don’t act like you don’t know it. I’m desperate for you.” 

His tongue flicks my nipple, and then he gives a sharp bite, something that he knows will get my biotics to spark in an unconscious effort to protect me. And he loves knowing he can get me there. 

“Mmm, don’t hold back on me, baby,” he growls softly, definitely smiling. I feel like I might be able to catch my breath when he kneels, but then Garrus grabs his cock...something else he knows gets to me. With a strong hand, he strokes long and slow. “You see what you do to me? I’m aching for you.” 

He moans on another stroke, squeezing his shaft roughly. I try to reach for him, aching myself to get my hands and mouth on him, but all I manage to accomplish is getting the headboard to rattle. 

“Garrus, please. I want you.” 

“Do you want me to untie you?”

“Garrus goddamn Vakarian, I want you to fuck me!” I buck my hips in a weak but desperate effort to get him inside me.

He gives me a wide, and almost feral grin, then grabs my hips and yanks me closer, pulling my ass up onto his thighs. His cock rests against me, laying thick and heavy and far enough up me that it’s intimidating as all hell. Garrus can read that on my face as plain as day. 

It’s even more intimidating when his gaze centers right between my legs while he spreads me, pushing my thighs wide apart. “So beautiful,” he murmurs, one hand dropping so that his thumb can circle my clit. “I can’t wait to fill you up.” Blue eyes meet mine while that hand lowers, and a finger slips gently over a place no one has ever touched me. “And someday...I want you full everywhere.” 

My heart nearly stalls almost at the same moment that I consider letting him take me any damn where he wants as long as I get his cock. 

And, damn him, he knows me well enough to recognize that look. 

“If you didn’t have to be functional in a few hours, that would be incredibly tempting. As it is…” He slips inside me with a hard thrust, sinking all the way in. And so fucking deep. 

“Finally,” I gasp, my body flooded with relief when it finally has him. When it’s finally complete. 

That thought jars me, but I don’t have a chance to think about it before he’s fucking me, that relief changing into totally overwhelming pleasure and intense sensation. He shifts to pull my legs over his shoulders and plants his hands on either side of my head, moving hard and fast like he wants to drill me right through the mattress. 

“Spirits, this body,” he moans, dropping his face against my throat. “I can get so deep inside you. I never want to stop fucking you.” 

“More,” I manage to gasp, my back arching when he hits exactly where I need him. “Right there, yes.” 

“I know, baby. I’ve got you.” He doesn’t quit, doesn’t relent. As much as I’ve been impressed by his stamina before, the Turian reaches a new level and screws me with reckless abandon until I’ve cum so many times that I’m weak and spent. Only then does Garrus get his own release, managing to go even harder and faster until he practically roars my name and explodes inside me with force. 

He collapses hard and heavy onto me, propped up enough that he doesn’t crush me but pants just as heavily as I am. “Jesus, Vakarian. That was impressive, even for you.” 

Garrus gives a sharp laugh and then reaches up, quickly undoing the belt before he rolls off of me, flopping heavily onto the pillows beside me and shifting only to fix a pillow for his comfort. I appreciate having the cool air blow over my heated skin, but Garrus’ weight at my side is immensely comforting. I like having him here. 

I don’t want him to leave. I definitely don’t want him gone after we get a hold of Saren. 

My heart thuds heavily in my chest, my stomach clenching. He’s going to leave. 

I can feel myself getting choked with emotion and have to try and shake it off, quickly sitting up for some distance. “Hey, where are you going?” he purrs from behind me, catching my arm gently. 

“Nowhere, I -” 

“Shepard. I know you well enough to know when you’re running from me.” I wince at the flood of guilt that hits me, and I feel him sit up behind me. I tense, expecting him to be angry, and shudder instead when his mouth grazes the back of my shoulder. “Talk to me. Please.” 

“Garrus, I…” 

It’s not like I can tell him to check out my personnel file to get out of this one. And I’m committed to not hurting him anymore for distance. I need to deal with this like an adult. 

But that doesn’t mean I have any idea what to say.

“It’s just a lot with you sometimes,” I admit, forcing the words out. “It’s…” I have to swallow to push down the lump in my throat enough to speak, to confess. “It’s scary.” 

Strong arms wrap around me, and Garrus pulls me back against him. I don’t resist, leaning into the strength and safety he can provide. Something I’ve never found anywhere else. 

“Scares me too,” he murmurs, speaking into my hair where he presses his mouth against the top of my head. “But I’d rather be scared than lose you.” 

“Right now, losing you is what scares me. The mission is going to be over soon, one way or another, and you can’t have C-Sec pay you to be on this ship forever.” 

I feel him exhale a heard breath. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about that, too.” 

He doesn’t say anything else, and I have no clue what to say. I just let him hold me, taking in the sun-warmed metal scent and the heat of his body. The comfort is a lot less than it should be when I’m plagued by wondering if I’m ever going to have this with him again. 

“Spirits, I hate the idea of going back to C-Sec as much as I hate leaving you.” I shift to lean against his shoulder and look up at him. He doesn’t complain about his job often, but it’s intense when he does. “I hated it there before, but after this...I’ve never regretted turning down Spectre training more.” 

He says it with a bitter laugh, but something clicks in my brain. 

“Oh, my God, Garrus. You should go into Spectre training! I’m obviously going to sponsor you.” 

Blue eyes narrow a little at me. “I’m not sure if I should be grateful or insulted that you want me gone for six months.” 

“No, no, Garrus.” I shift quickly to straddle his lap and grab his face, pulling him to look at me. “I don’t want you gone at all. I want you to meet your own potential. And I want you to be a Spectre because this force needs someone with your sense of justice.” He makes a sound at the back of his throat, uncomfortable as always with genuine praise. 

“I’m not saying I’m not grateful you believe in me, Shepard.” 

“Well, I’m saying that I’m going to hate being on this ship without you. I am going to miss you so much, Garrus, no matter where you go next.” Now his eyes meet mine, his attention riveted again. “There’s always part of me that remembers we’re breaking regs when we do this. You’re under my command. But I can’t seem to stop doing it. I want you too badly. Care for you too much.” 

His hands tighten against my back, pulling me fractionally closer. 

“When you’re in Spectre training, you won’t be under my command. And when you’re a Spectre, we can serve together again.” I run my nose along his as a buffer while I work up the courage. And then I bump my forehead against his and revel in the little whimper that leaves him. “No regs in our way.” 

“Shepard,” he breathes, tugging me completely against him and wrapping his arms around me in a bear hug. I loop my arms around his neck to complete the circle and smile where he nuzzles against my face. “I need to hear you say it, make it real. Tell me you want to be mine.” 

A laugh escapes me, my heart skipping about a million beats like it wants to make up for all the moments he’s made it go too fast. 

“God, Garrus. I have always been yours.” 

He shudders, his whole big frame rocking in my arms, and then leans in to kiss me. It’s not as rough as I would have anticipated, instead a slow and gentle dance that’s every bit as effective in getting me revved up again. I can’t help writhing against him, Garrus’ strong hands slowly stroking my down my back, under my ass, and over my thighs before going back in the other direction. I melt in his arms, confused and turned on and needy. 

And I want to keep going forever. 

*****

“Not gonna tie me up again?” Shepard asks between sweet little gasps while she massages the perfect spot under my fringe and runs her other hand along my cowl. Her kisses make me hot even when they’re slow and damn if tying her up isn’t tempting. 

I’m proud of her for letting me do it. For getting into the spirit of it and relinquishing all of her control over to me. I’ll do it again, and soon if I’m lucky. 

But that’s not what right now is for. 

The most incredible soldier I’ve ever met and the most admirable commanding officer I’ve ever had just told me that she wants to sponsor me for Spectre training. Pride can’t describe what I’m feeling. She believes in me, thinks that the sense of justice Chellick and Pallin on C-Sec used to complain about is valuable. That I’m valuable. 

And somehow that’s not the best thing that’s happened to me tonight. 

This beautiful, talented, brilliant, perfect woman wants to be mine. Wants to be with me. I can almost see what she likes about me as a soldier, but as a man...there is no way that I deserve her. No one could. 

I’m damn well going to try, though. I’ll try to deserve Shepard for the rest of my life. 

“No, I’m not gonna tie you up again tonight,” I tell her between kisses, reveling in how soft her lips feel against mine. “I wanna try something new.” 

“Play?” I can hear some anxiety in her voice, but even more anticipation. Shit, she’s tempting. But I need to stay on track. 

There’s something else I want so, so much more than playing. 

“No, not playing. Actually...something I’ve never done.” 

Shepard startles a little at that and pulls back to eye me with a cautious frown. I slide one hand into her hair, carding through the silky strands to cup the back of her head and hold her close. Her frown fades almost immediately and changes to a smile when my forehead meets hers. 

It’s the first time I can do that without a surge of panic that she’ll reject me. Instead, my chest swells with something that scares me, too, but not nearly as much as it thrills me. I lean in closer, finding her mouth. Shepard follows my lead and holds my neck, kissing me slow and deep. 

I shift to pull her against me so that I can roll with her, bringing her to the pillows under me. She clings to my neck as we move and never breaks the kiss. Not until I push slowly inside her, and then only to push her head back into the pillow while her body tries to adjust, pained pleasure all over her face. I give her a moment to adjust, always, and myself a second so that I don’t get embarrassed. And then I know she’s expecting to get fucked. 

But I’m trying something new tonight.

I press my forehead to hers again, soaking in the immensely satisfying tingle down my spine from doing that with a lover and not just friends or family. I had no idea it would actually feel different, that my body would react this way. I never really imagined caring about someone enough to be this intimate. And now with Shepard…

It all seems so obvious. 

Shepard reciprocates, leaning her neck up now that she can press into me while slowly rolling her hips to meet every steady thrust. 

With her arms around my neck and her ankles at my lower back, I’m surrounded by Shepard. Her scent envelopes me, that comforting citrus and cinnamon washing over me while it’s combined with the smell of our sex that charges me. I touch her everywhere that I can, exploring the endless soft skin while moving slowly, gently, inside her. She’s soft inside too, hot and wet and tighter than a fist. 

All combined, even at a pace that feels unnatural at first, the pleasure in my core soars to heights I’d only imagined before. 

I can map every inch of her body this way, enjoy the unique way her body pushes and pulls at my cock every time I slip in and then back out of her. It’s an exceptional way to enjoy Shepard’s pleasure as well, her hands much more active than usual; she explores my cowl and throat and mandibles while letting out the most amazing little moans and whimpers I can imagine. 

Our eyes meet, and it all surges, my heart threatening to choke me when it swells. Those emeralds hypnotize me, capture me, and I never want to try and break free. Our hands meet next and somehow the incorrect number of fingers on each hand works, our fingers entwining with just as much ease as our bodies. 

I hold her hand under mine on the pillow beside her head and search for what I know is in her eyes, even though it scares me. I need to see it, need to know that I’m not the only one who has fallen far deeper than I think it’s possible to crawl back from. 

She whispers my name, and it’s there. That terrified vulnerability, an intense openness blazing up. 

Scared or not, there’s a huge part of me that is desperate to say it. We’ve made so many mistakes in a short year together, and so much of it was because of what we didn’t say, what we were too scared to say. I’m done screwing up with her; this is just too important. 

But the right words just don’t come. I don’t even know how to say them. 

“Spirits. I’m crazy about you.” It’s still true, it’s just not everything. 

It makes her smile anyway, and that’s good enough for me, especially when she kisses me. Her hand squeezes mine, and I take the signal from her body with the same instincts that never fail me on a battlefield; I know exactly what’s needed of me, and how to get the job done.

This might be my first time making love, but I’m going to make sure it’s memorable for her. 

Even slow, quiet, and soft, Shepard climaxes for me. Her body answers the demands of mine perfectly so that when I need her, when I can’t hold back anymore, she shatters, and the death grip of her body around my shaft pulls me right over the edge with her. 

I stay inside her while we catch our breath, her soft hands traveling my fringe and her lips planting gentle kisses all over my face. 

“Do you know what Christmas is?” 

I frown at the exceptionally random question and shake my head a little, unwilling to pull away while she’s still kissing me between words. 

“Look it up after we stop Saren. It’s in ten weeks, and I want to spend it with you.” 

Something like a moan leaves me, and I can’t help a smile. “You’ll stay with me on the Citadel?” She nods and kisses me again, my mouth this time. “Consider it done. Christmas. Got it.” 

“Thank you.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “It was my favorite holiday growing up.” 

Now I do pull back enough to look at her. She so rarely shares anything personal about herself and especially about her past. “Well then, I’ll have to make sure it’s very special,” I promise. 

The joyful, carefree smile that breaks out on her face steals my breath away. I would do anything to keep that smile on her. “It involves you buying me a present. Fair warning.” She says it with an absolutely adorable, coy smirk that makes me laugh. “But you’ll get one too so. It works out.” 

“If you come back to the Citadel to celebrate your favorite holiday with me...I think we can count that as my present.” 

Shepard blinks at me, and I immediately wish I could take my words back. “Garrus Vakarian, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sounded romantic.” 

“You don’t know any better, that’s obvious. You want romance? My dick is still inside you, and it’s going soft. I need you to move so I can get cleaned up.” 

Now she throws her head back in laughter but releases me so that I can pull away; I have to stifle a moan when I slide out of her and try not to notice the way she bites her lip. We both know I have a few more rounds in me, but we need a solid night’s sleep before Ilos tomorrow, so I slip out of her bed and pad to the bathroom. 

Shepard is quiet while I quickly get myself put back together, but she darts inside past me as I step back through the doors. “Don’t leave!” she calls before they can shut. 

“You say that like I’ve snuck out while you’re in the bathroom before,” I tease her. It makes me laugh because that’s definitely something I have done to other partners. I don’t have as many excuses for those decisions now when I think about them; actually, I almost feel bad. 

Maybe having to fight for someone has made me a little softer. 

The last thing I want to do is run when Shepard comes back out of the bathroom. She’d been moving so quickly on the way in that I didn’t notice she was wearing my shirt. And damn can she wear it, even if it’s oversized and the extra fabric for my cowl doesn’t exactly work on her. 

Actually, I kind of love that it’s oversized. She looks smaller than usual, and it’s adorable on her. 

I might be staring because Shepard fidgets with the hem a little and then offers, “I just grabbed it. I didn’t know if - “ 

“No, that’s...I honestly think you wear it better.” Shepard rolls her eyes at me, but it’s an effort to hide her blush, so I let it go. “So...you told me not to leave.” 

“Are you going to make me tell you that I want you to stay?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest and falling back into that sexy, hip-cocked stance I like so much. I copy it, making it my own - neither of us has decided who did it first - and she grins immediately. “Just get back in bed, would ya?” 

I might laugh, but I’m not stupid enough to argue that. Shepard climbs back into her bed first, and I follow happily, arranging myself comfortably on my side with a pillow folded in half. I don’t mind the adjusted position or that human beds are apparently softer than Turian; it’s comfortable. 

And she’s here, so I’d sleep on rocks without complaining. 

Shepard lays on her side as well, facing me even though I know from experience that she’ll roll away eventually. I feel the stress of the day drain me as soon as we’re comfortable, her leg hooked over my hip, and our hands tangled between us. I can see her fading quickly, so I press my forehead to hers and let that soft tingle lull me to sleep. 

Something snaps me awake suddenly, my senses on alert immediately, and I curse myself for not even bringing my visor up here. I stay still and quiet, prepared to identify the threat...and then realize almost instantly that there isn’t one. 

Shepard woke me up when she kicked me; I know because I watch her kick the other leg. I stay on alert only because this isn’t a normal movement for a sleeping Shepard. A low, pained moan confirms my fears that it’s a nightmare. 

Solana had nightmares when she was a kid. I remember trying to wake her up once when I heard her screaming in the middle of the night, and she punched me square in the jaw. It’s the only time my sister has gotten away with hitting me when I didn’t hit her right back. I want to stop Shepard’s pain, but I’m certain she can hit a lot harder than Solana, and I don’t really want her to break my jaw. 

Her back arches off the bed, and she lets out a terrified sounding whimper. I can’t leave her trapped in whatever makes Commander Elle Shepard sound that scared; it’s worth the broken jaw. 

“Shepard,” I murmur, leaning up on my elbow but trying not to startle her. She doesn’t react, fists tightening around the blankets. From my new position, I can see the fear on her face. “Elle,” I call, a little louder this time. 

For a moment, I think it worked, and she tenses up. But it’s not enough, and the dream drags her back under. It’s my job to keep her safe. 

I go all in, risking life and limb knowing this woman. I don’t want to pin her down, far too much of a coward to ever ask what’s in these nightmares when I know just a bit about her past, but I know how to ground her. So I reach over her, capturing both of her arms against her body, and then smoothly roll her away from me before tugging back against me. 

She’d have to try to punch me in the jaw like this. 

“Come back to me, Kid,” I breathe directly into her ear this time, nuzzling the sensitive skin just below it. She gasps sharply, and her biotics send out a brief, protective spark, so I know she’s awake. I take it slow, assuming she’s dazed and shaken. “That’s my girl. You’re OK.” I repeat that last bit to her while Shepard shudders violently in my arms and then heaves for air. 

“Garrus,” she whispers, voice shaking as much as the rest of her. 

“I’m here, I’m right here.” I give a quick bite on her shoulder, knowing that the physical pain can help to counter the psychological one. She jumps but then settles a bit more, leaning back into me. “I’ve got you. What was it that you called me? After the concussion?”

She laughs briefly, the sound a little forced but a lot relieving. “An archangel. Warrior.” 

“Yeah, that’s it. There’s an archangel in your bed; nothing can get to you here.” 

I feel all of the weight and stress leave her body in a rush, and she slumps heavily. Before I can respond to her, Shepard breaks my hold on her to roll over and then launches herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck and burying her face in my cowl. 

“Hey, hey, you alright?” I slip my hands under the shirt she’s wearing to rub her back, hoping the skin-on-skin contact continues to help in some small way. 

“I am now,” she answers, her voice stronger this time. The answer relieves me, grateful that I could do something to help. After a beat, she pulls away a little and searches my eyes. “Sorry. I don’t…” She trails off, but I don’t want her to finish anyway. 

“What are you sorry for? The nightmare?”

“That you had to see it. See me like that.” 

My heart aches, and I lean down, rubbing my nose gently against hers before pressing our foreheads together. I hear her gasp a bit. “There’s no part of you I don’t want to see. And I’m glad that I was here. I always want to be there for you.” 

She smiles, her hand slipping under my fringe. “You always are.” 

“Come here.” I roll onto my back, the propped up pillow keeping the position from being uncomfortable. Shepard cuddles up to my side and hooks her leg over my waist, curling her hand around the edge of my cowl to hold onto me. I wrap an arm around her hip and inhale the cinnamon scent of her hair. 

It lulls me to sleep quickly, and the last thing I feel before I slide under is Shepard kissing my chest. 

We’ll take on the universe tomorrow, but for the moment, it feels like all is right in the world.


	18. Let's Do This

I don’t think I could ever grow tired of waking up with Garrus. 

It’s the only time he ever looks completely at ease, totally relaxed. It’s honestly adorable, and for a nearly seven-foot apex predator and sniper, that seems like quite a feat. 

The only other look I like on him more is that utter bliss when his cock is in my throat. And that thought makes my mouth go dry instantly. The throb between my legs becoming a physical demand, my instincts and primal urges demanding that I act on it, put that look on him right goddamn now. 

I want to keep him asleep as long as possible, but that’s not a small challenge with someone who has super senses. I move as slowly as I can and focus on the steady rhythm of his deep breaths, the almost snores that make me want to giggle. I manage to pull the blanket back from his waist without disturbing him and get face to face with his morning wood. 

Human penises have their merit, but they aren’t pretty. And maybe it’s just because his is so exotic, but I find Garrus’ cock damn beautiful. The deep blue color, the swirling ridges, the defined sweep of the head. Someone should paint these things. 

Not daring to risk climbing between his legs, I move onto my knees so that I’m sideways on the bed. I make sure to sweep my hair over my shoulder so that he’ll be able to see my face when he does wake up; I want him to watch. 

He only sighs softly when I kiss the tip gently, testing the waters. A soft moan escapes when I flick my tongue over the very tip. His whole leg twitches when I run my tongue gently along the underside of the crest, savoring the sweet taste of his natural lube. I’m starting to wonder if he’s ever going to wake up, only moaning again when I mouth the lush head and swirl my tongue around it. 

I’m certain he’s awake when I hear his breath catch, and I look up to find blue eyes blinking, dazed for a moment. When Garrus realizes what he’s seeing, what’s happening, a fire ignites in his gaze. “Ah, fuck, Elle,” he moans, one hand threading into my hair. “Woke up hungry, did you?”

I manage a laugh without letting him out of my mouth and then dive on deeper, relishing the feel of his thick shaft sliding over my tongue. He growls and throws his head back, his spine arching to give me more of his cock. 

“Shepard,” he whispers, writhing already. “Let me cum inside you.” 

A shudder runs down my spine, lust igniting in my blood. I let him out of my mouth with a pop that satisfies that hell out of me and then straddle his lap instead of letting him take the lead. I grab his cock and hold his shaft steady, taking a firm grip so I can grind against his length. Garrus’ eyes blaze and flash when I moan at the feel of his cock against my clit. 

“So beautiful,” he whispers, raising his hands to cup my breasts. His expert tugging on my nipples sets my blood on fire, and the throb between my legs becomes nearly painful, relieved only by the massage of his cock. “Shepard, come on, baby. Fuck me,” he groans, tugging at my waist now in an effort to pull me onto him. 

“Someday, I’ll have the self-control needed to make you really beg,” I tell him breathlessly. I have the willpower to do just about anything and convince almost anyone to follow me, but I am damn weak when it comes to a naked Garrus. And I’m not the least bit sorry or ashamed about it. 

Garrus helps me steady my hips when I raise above his length but then pulls his hands away, holding onto the pillow behind his head. He gives me an intense look, making it clear that he meant what he said and wants me to fuck him. To take control. It’s kind of a rush, being given the lead by someone as dominant as Garrus. 

It’s not an opportunity I’m going to miss. 

We both cry out when I drop my hips, my body taking his length much easier than it did the very first time I tried that move. His cock still stretches me to the point of pain, but the pleasure overwhelms that now, letting me enjoy the extended curve of his shaft that presses him right where I need him. 

I lean forward a little, pressing my hands into his chest for leverage and holding onto the edge of his carapace to prevent the rounded shape from getting in the way. Garrus grunts softly every time my ass meets his thighs, and when I grind against him, I watch intense blue eyes close with bliss. It’s more pressure than I anticipated, being in the lead, and I feel acutely aware of how much of me Garrus can see from his angle below me. 

“You look incredible,” he informs me, my eyes popping open in shock that he’s managed to read my mind. I can see that Garrus is restraining himself, his arms tight, and his mandibles pulled against his face, but his eyes track all over me, blazing heat. 

It’s the confidence boost I needed to just let my instincts take over. My hips start pumping all their own, driving Garrus’ cock hard inside me and rubbing against the ridge on his pelvic plates to send heat surging from my clit. Listening to Garrus’ moans and growls, feeling his groans vibrate under my hands, only makes my own pleasure surge. 

I feel nearly mindless, giving him everything that I’m worth. I need more, just a little bit more...something. The orgasm is there, just evading me by moments, and a frustrated growl escapes me while my ass smacks off his thighs. 

“I’ve got you,” Garrus purrs, reaching up and wrapping his arms around me. He uses the hold to pull me down, my arms slipping around his neck, and my face landing against his throat. It’s a good thing I’m holding on because Garrus pins me to him and then starts to drill me, lifting his hips to fuck me senseless at a place I never could have hoped to match. 

It’s what I needed, sending me reeling and screaming for him in moments. Garrus gives a violent growl, pumping right through my orgasm and then exploding into me with his own. When he slows, he doesn’t pull out and doesn’t let me go, only lifting one hand and using that to run the talons through my hair. 

“Good morning,” he sighs happily after a few moments of panting. 

A laugh explodes from me along with a swell of emotion, and I tilt my head to kiss his throat. “Good morning, indeed. If this is the only time we get to do this, it’s worth it.” 

“Don’t do that,” he scolds, tightening his hold on me. “You’re either already planning to get rid of me or thinking that we’re not coming out of today. I don’t want to hear it, either way.” 

“And here I thought I was the Commander,” I tease him.

Garrus laughs and drops one hand to smack my ass playfully. “You’re the Commander out there, but we both know who’s in charge in here.” 

“Hey, speaking of which.” I lean up onto my elbows to give him a mock glare. “Don’t think I don’t know you were topping from the bottom, big guy. I’m not the other dumb chicks you’ve dated.” 

“I’ve never dated anyone else, so you’ve got to be the only dumb chick.” 

He yelps and jumps when I poke his waist, dissolving into the free laugh of his that I like so much. I can’t help joining in, both of us fading into a fit of laughter while I try to tickle him; the Turian manages to both hold me at bay and squirm out from under me so that I end up at arm’s length and restrained. 

“Elle, wait, stop,” he manages, eyes sparkling at me. “I don’t know what a chick is.” 

My head falls back when I belly laugh, and I stop fighting, slumping to the pillows and succumbing to the laugh I so badly need. Garrus can’t seem to escape this case of the giggles either, and we lay there laughing like fools until my eyes are watering and my stomach hurts. 

“OK. Now comes Joker over the intercom to tell us it’s time to gear up for Ilos.” I laugh, and we both wait for what feels like a full minute...but no Joker. It’s a relief, honestly, to know that I don’t have to be ready to face all that just yet. 

As long as we stay here, inside this safe little bubble of peace we’ve created in bed and in my quarters, Garrus and I are untouchable. There’s no crazed, power-drunk Turian helping sapient killer machines destroy our universe. Just naked laughing and excellent sex. 

“You OK?” Garrus asks, taking my hand where it rests on the bed between us. 

“Yeah. Really good, actually. We need a vacation when this is all done.” 

Garrus laughs. “I can hide you away in my apartment for a few days, how about that?” 

“Oh, I’m holding you do that, Vakarian. When Saren is done, and we’re back on the Citadel...you owe me a hiding spot.” I lean over him and quickly kiss his cheek. “Now...how about a shower?” 

*****

It’s hard to be stressed out, even while approaching Ilos and all the unknowns awaiting us. I can’t even manage to be anxious about facing Saren’s fleet with just the Normandy. 

I woke up with Elle Shepard sucking my dick, devouring my cock like it was the best thing she’d ever had in her mouth. I’m walking on air, Saren and the Geth and the Reapers be damned. If it means getting a chance to repeat this morning again, ever, I’m not letting them get in the way. 

After gearing up, I head for the cockpit and find Tali, Alenko, and Joker chatting. Navigator Pressly is there but doesn’t have much to say; he never does when the aliens are around, and I’m aware that I’m his least favorite by virtue of being a Turian. 

Liara arrives just as I do, and I offer her a smile before taking the seat beside Joker. He flashes a smile, well aware that he interrupted me in the shower with Shepard less than an hour ago. He’s not aware that I was happily feasting on our Commander at the time, though. And if he ever becomes of aware of how damn good she tastes, I’ll kill him. 

“I understand why the flotilla is so hard to reach, but at times like this,” Tali sighs, “I wish I could talk to my father. It doesn’t feel right, not...well, you know.” 

She doesn’t want to say that she wanted to say goodbye, but we all know it. 

“I didn’t have anyone to reach out to either,” Liara laments, her voice soft. “Kaidan, were you able to reach your family? They’re on Earth, right?”

“They are and yes,” he answers from somewhere behind me. I kind of wish he could find out what I was doing before coming out here; then, he’d have a reason for that sour look that always seems to be painted onto his face. “My father served in the Alliance, so they get it. They’re supportive.”

I glance over at Joker, who is fiddling with controls he doesn’t need to be fiddling with. “Did you talk to your mom and sister?” 

“Mom, yeah. She’s OK, but, uh... didn’t want to worry my sister.” I nod, understanding that. Joker has a sixteen-year-old half-sister; I wouldn’t have wanted my teen sister to know if I was barreling toward a potential suicide mission either. 

“Did you speak to your family, Garrus?” Tali asks. 

I wince. She’s only asking to be kind, but it’s not the sort of conversation I want to have with everyone present. “I emailed my sister.” 

“Email? That’s not very personal,” Kaidan notes, his voice mildly lecturing. It sets me on edge but doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as it would have on any other day. 

The blowjob magic is still in effect. 

“Yeah, well. My sister will tell my mother if she’s upset, and I don’t want that.” 

The words are barely out before I regret them. “Why don’t you want your mom to know?” Liara’s question is just as innocent as Tali’s was, but I wish they could just leave it be. There is something to be said for being lonely and keeping a distance from people who might ask this sort of question. 

Of course, now that it’s been asked, it would be rude if I ignored it. “My mom... she’s sick. I don’t like to stress her out anymore than I absolutely have to.” 

The room falls quiet for a moment, the way it always does when people find out about my mom. They don’t know what to say to someone with a dying parent. I don’t ever really know what I want them to say, either. 

“You did the right thing.” Pressly chiming in surprises me enough that I turn to face him, just to make sure I’m not hearing things. He isn’t looking at me or at anyone else in the room full of people who are now staring at him. “My mother was sick for a long time. Saying goodbye is for us, not them. Better not to stress your mom.” 

“Thanks,” I manage around my shock. It’s the most he’s ever said to me and definitely the most personal bit of information he’s ever even come close to revealing. 

“Ah, shit.” Joker snaps me out of the surprise, something blinking ominously on his sensors, and his fiddling now has a more serious tone to it. Some of the other navigators start mumbling, as well. “Commander is coming.” 

“What?” 

“Shepard always shows up exactly when I need her to,” Joker explains. “Watch.” Without looking, and before I hear anything, he calls, “Hey, Commander? We got company.”

“What’s up, Joker?” A laugh escapes me, and Joker smirks, Shepard strolling into the cockpit exactly when she was needed, just like he predicted. She gives us both a look but stands behind Joker, her shoulders squared in a signal that she’s all business. 

Joker doesn’t need to explain himself when the Geth ships come into view. Fortunately, the one ship that I don’t see is Sovereign. That asshole of a ship could definitely ruin my blowjob glow. 

“Have their sensors picked us up yet?” Liara asks. 

“Stealth system engaged. Unless we get close enough for a visual, they won’t have any idea we’re here,” Joker assures us. It seems pretty hard for me to believe that some of these ships can’t see us as long as windows exist. 

Pressly piles on the bad news. “Picking up some strange readings from the planet’s surface.” 

“Take us in, Joker,” Shepard orders. “Lock in on the coordinates.” 

“Negative on that, Commander,” Pressly argues. “The nearest landing zone is two klicks away.” 

Kaidan scoffs. “We’ll never make it in time on foot. Get us something closer.” Pressly clearly does not like that and snaps at him that he’s already looked for somewhere closer. 

“Can you drop us in the Mako?” I suggest. 

“You need at least one hundred meters of open space to pull off a drop like that. The closest I can find to Saren is twenty.” Pressly is really a mood killer today. 

“Find another landing zone,” Kaidan urges. 

“There is no other landing zone.” I’m waiting for the sound of the navigator punching the biotic human at his point. 

I turn to look at Joker while they argue it, his gaze intent, and his brain clearly working on the options already. “What do you think, Joker? You got this?”

He gives a short nod to me but doesn’t say anything, not yet. I can see him shifting, just slightly. He cuts off another argument from Kaidan and announces, “I can do it.” 

Shepard steps closer. “Joker?”

“I can do it,” he repeats. 

Shepard glances at me, and I eye the pilot. If he fails at this, if Pressly is right and this is a suicide drop, not only will the mission fail, and I’ll die...but Shepard will die. The loss is unacceptable. And I’m not worried. I nod to Shepard, just slightly, and she returns it. 

“Vakarian, Tali, gear up and head down to the Mako,” our Commander orders. “Joker. You drop us right on top of that bastard, you got me?”

“Yes, ma’am. Won’t let you down.” 

“You never do.” I watch the pilot straighten with pride as she and Tali start to march away. When I stand to follow them, I pat his shoulder firmly but without the possibility of breaking him. 

“Thanks, big guy.” 

“Anytime, buddy.” 

I catch up to Shepard and Tali in the elevator, two of them snapping their mouths shut and Shepard flushing the moment I step inside. They couldn’t possibly be more obvious, and I have no doubt that they were just talking about me.

“Please, don’t stop on my account,” I tease them. Shepard rolls her eyes and grins at me. I’m man enough to admit that I want to know what they were saying about me, but I choose to believe it was all good. I don’t doubt that Shepard shares details that she probably shouldn’t with the Quarian, but it’s not like I have anything to be ashamed about. 

“We’re ready for this, right?” Tali asks, fidgeting a little. “I mean...I feel like we’re ready. But I’d really like to, ya know, not die.” 

Shepard barks out a laugh, and I can’t help chuckling. “Not dying is a solid goal. But we’re ready. The three of us are getting drinks on the Citadel when this is over, by the way,” Shepard tells us with all the confidence I expect from her. “It’s on Garrus.” 

“Garrus would expect nothing less,” I quip as the elevator releases us. I’m already in my armor and only need to worry about grabbing my rifle, which I left in my locker. 

Wrex is standing nearby while Shepard and Tali head for the Mako. “Vakarian,” the Krogan growls as I approach. “You have got to be the worst Turian I’ve ever met.” 

“You know, I’m going to take that as a compliment from you.” 

“You should.” Wrex stands and extends a massive hand toward me. “I’d fight by your side any time.” 

I feel something start to swell in my chest and grasp his hand before giving it too much thought. “Same here, Wrex. And I’ll kick your ass anytime, too.” 

He laughs at that and smacks my shoulder before heading toward the elevator. I realize that he was waiting here for me, but I don’t want to think about that too much either. I grab my rifle, double-check my ammo, and head for the Mako just as Joker confirms we’re approaching. 

Shepard is behind the wheel, and she blinks at me when I yank the driver’s side door open. “What are you doing?” 

“Driving,” I answer simply. 

“Oh, thank goodness,” Tali mutters from the backseat, earning a sharp stare from Shepard. “Sorry.” 

“Shepard, I adore you - this is not a secret,” I inform him, leaning on the door. “There’s no one in the galaxy more amazing. But you drive like an absolute lunatic, and we need to make a really precise drop. I don’t want to die in this tank.” I throw in a smile just for her and add, “I happen to have memories I rather enjoy in this tank.” 

“Oh, Keelah, you two did gross things back here, didn’t you?” 

Shepard laughs, her shoulders relaxing, and I know immediately that I’ve won. She finally rolls her eyes and then slides over on the bench seat. “Don’t think you won’t owe me for this, Vakarian.” 

“Shepard, I genuinely look forward to making that payment when we survive this whole thing.” 

That keeps her smiling as the tank roars to life under us, and the bay starts to open, Joker preparing to make a drop that he shouldn’t be able to make so that we can start a battle we shouldn’t be able to win. I have a moment when it hits me, the reality of how unlikely we are to walk away from this unscathed. With anyone other than Shepard, I’d have to at least consider bailing - Turian or not. 

“Hey.” She reaches across the seat and sets her hand on my thigh. “We’ve got this. Me and you.” 

“Always,” I promise her, reaching out to tug her earlobe. The way her emerald eyes sparkle is all the incentive I need. “Alright, Joker. Let’s do this.”


	19. Ruins & Rifles

The landing onto Ilos is anything but smooth; we smack down hard just a few feet from what looks like an entrance. 

More importantly, it’s the entrance that Saren is walking through right in front of us. 

Garrus guns it, flooring the Mako and rushing the doors with the intent to destroy Saren. It becomes clear in moments that we’re not going to make it, not before what looks like very heavy doors close, and he has to change tactics. He slams on the break, and the tires squeal on the muddy ground under us. 

“Garrus!” Tali shouts from the back. I barely hear her, my focus on Saren. 

The bastard has the nerve to stop, just before the doors close, and watch us. I swear there’s even a smirk on his face. The growl from Garrus, beside me, says that he sees it too. Just when I didn’t think it was possible to want to kill Saren any more than I already do...

“Damn it,” Garrus growls when the doors shut, just managing to avoid ramming us into it. “But, shit, that drop? Joker isn’t the best pilot in the Alliance, he’s the best pilot in the galaxy.” 

“We can never tell him that,” Tali notes as we climb out of the Tank and approach the doors, now firmly sealed and seemingly impenetrable. “There’s no way we’re getting through these with brute force,” the Quarian engineer tells us. 

I frown at that. “Well, we need to find a way. We have to get inside this bunker before Saren finds the Conduit.” We’re racing time and Saren now; there’s no option for failure. 

“Saren found a way to open it,” Garrus notes. “There must be some kind of security override. We just need to find it and get it running again.” 

I take a breath and turn around, looking at our other options. We’ve been dropped into some kind of Prothean compound, though I don’t imagine that it was covered in vegetation when this was actually in use. It looks like the ruins of ancient worlds I learned were on Earth, crumbling structures and crawling vines everywhere. There’s an odd dust floating in the air, but we can breathe well enough. 

So, there’s nothing left to do but kick some ass. 

And we get a chance quickly, Geth Troopers stationed around every corner...almost like Saren wants to stop us. We take them out systematically, pushing forward at all times, and find a ramp that leads down into a lower level of the complex. Once we get rid of the Geth down here, we find more of the alien plants crawling up every structure and surface. 

There are massive statues of aliens, beings unlike anything I’ve ever seen, sitting on regal chairs. They are a little creepy and a lot mysterious, but definitely impressive even in their broken-down state. “I feel like I’m walking over a grave,” I confess. 

“Is this what humans do with their dead?” Tali demands, her tone appalled. 

“God, no. Well...I guess we do have monuments like this for some people. And...yeah, some dead humans get mausoleums which are kind of creepy like this.” 

“So, by ‘God, no’ you mean ‘yes, this is what humans do with their dead’?” Garrus asks, eying me. “That is exceptionally weird. Makes me never want to go to Earth.” 

I laugh at that. “It’s not like the planet is covered in graves. Besides, don’t Turians bury their dead?” 

“Yeah, but we just...bury them. There’s no weird ceremony about it,” Garrus notes, guiding us around a corner with his rifle. “We bury our dead to let their bodies rejoin Palaven; their spirits strengthen her, but their bodies decay, and that’s it.” 

“On the Flotilla, the dead are essentially airlocked. But there is a ceremony beforehand that lasts for several days,” Tali informs us. “And then...I don’t know. I guess you go right back to normal.” 

I glance at the Quarian, remembering that she lost her mother to an illness that broke out on the Flotilla when Tali was young. I seriously doubt she was able to just go right back to normal after that. Garrus glances at her as well and seems to consider it. 

We’re all distracted when new Geth pop up and start shooting, their presence heavier on the lowest level even though it seems like there is nothing down here…except for more Geth. Finally, we push through and find an elevator that the last two Geth Destroyers are guarding. 

“If that thing is operable, it means this place has its own generator,” Tali tells us, hitting one of the Destroyers with an explosive override that sends it to its knees where I riddle it with enough bullets to finish the thing off. 

Garrus has finished the other on his own. “That’s good news for us; Saren’s troops must have sealed the doors from here after he went inside. We’ll have to figure out how to disengage the security lockdown if we ever want to get inside that bunker.” 

The elevator takes us down, moving a hell of a lot faster than any of us is used to. “Saren’s already got a headstart,” I remind them. “We have to go find him before he reaches the Conduit.” 

“Unless he’s already found it, and then we’re just walking into a trap,” Tali says, cocking her head. 

“Chance we have to take,” Garrus rumbles, and I nod. There’s not really any other option. Even if Saren’s troops do have a trap set up for us, we have to march right on through it to find the Conduit and stop the Reapers. The best thing we can do is hurry so that Saren can’t set up too elaborate a trap. 

The elevator dumps us into what looks like a War Room, based on the layout and the number of very old and crumbling consoles. Before any of us can figure it out, we have to take on a new surge of Geth Prime, Destroyers, Snipers, and Troopers all hellbent on stopping us. Even if the fight is a challenge, it’s a good sign that we’re heading in the right direction. 

“Alright, I brought the nerd squad for a reason,” I tell the two smartest members of my team once all the Geth are down. “Can either of you figure out the security lockdown?”

“I’ll race you,” Tali teases him. 

Garrus laughs. “Yeah, sure. Since I’m already done.” 

I spin toward and find a console does, in fact, seem to be powering up, but it’s not the one he’s standing in front of. “Did you do that?” 

“No. Actually, I think it’s responding to how close you are, Shepard.” 

I hate that thought, but the hologram that pops up prevents me from giving it any further thought. It’s clearly damaged and degraded, the image just a whirling blur of lights and the voice speaking in broken words, but it’s all clear enough for the warning to get across. 

“Some kind of message, but I don’t understand the language,” Garrus says, his tone frustrated. I blink and frown at him, wondering if he’s serious for a second. 

“It’s probably Prothean,” Tali chimes in. “The recording must be fifty thousand years old. It’s no wonder we can’t understand it.” 

“I...understood it,” I confess. My cheeks heat when they both turn to look at me. “It’s all broken up, but I recognize some of the words. It’s a warning against the Reaper invasion.”

“Shepard, that’s...incredible! The Cipher must have transferred an understanding of the Prothean language into your mind,” Tali gushes. She laughs and adds, “Liara will be so jealous.” 

I can tell that Garrus is more nervous about this new development in my brain, but he chooses not to comment on it for now, and so do I. 

“Well, it doesn’t have anything useful to say. Just a lot of doomsday stuff and it’s all too degraded to help. We should go.” 

We turn to go back the way we came, back to the Mako and the entrance that Saren took inside. The hologram behind us starts repeating, “cannot be stopped...cannot be stopped…” I take a moment to be grateful that Garrus and Tali can’t understand the thing; I really don’t need anyone else dealing with that particular morale blow. 

The Mako is right where we left it, and none of the Geth have come back to create additional obstacles. Everything left between us and the Conduit is on the other side of these doors. They open and we’re facing a tunnel that leads down...that’s always ominous.

“Anyone else vote that we take the vehicle into the creepy underground bunker?” Garrus asks, evidently thinking along the same lines I am. 

“Good idea. The firepower will come in handy,” Tali chirps, climbing into the tank ahead of us. “I really should make one of you sit in this backseat, now that I know what happened.” 

“You don’t know the half of it,” Garrus teases. I smack his arm but can’t help a smile, thoughts of that particular romp a personal favorite of my late night fantasies. I know that Garrus is still having the same thoughts I am when he looks me up and down quickly, his gaze blazing heat. 

Garrus and Tali don’t complain when I drive this time, taking us through a massive tunnel with running water. It’s eerily empty, especially considering the fights we’ve had at every turn elsewhere. “I thought Saren would have set some kind of trap or ambush,” I admit. 

“Guess they were in too much of a hurry.” 

The Turian isn’t that optimistic. “Or we just haven’t run into it yet.” 

“Who doesn’t love a three hundred pound ray of sunshine, Vakarian?” I tease him, accelerating through the tunnel. If there’s a trap, I just want to get it over with. If Saren and the Geth are hurrying, then we need to be doing the same. 

As we continue through the tunnel, it’s hard not to notice all the circular containers sticking out from the walls. “What are all those things? Containers?”

“They look like stasis pods,” Tali responds. 

“Makes sense. The Protheans probably tried to keep themselves alive through cryogenic freezing. Something must have gone wrong, though. Those pods are dead, and so is anyone inside.” 

I shiver at Garrus’ words. “God, so this place really is one big tomb. There must be hundreds of them.” 

“What was Saren expecting to find here?” Tali demands. “There’s nothing but corpses.” 

We don’t have time to think about that before I have to jerk the Mako to avoid a rocket, fired by a Geth at the end of the tunnel where it starts to slope downward steeply. 

“On it,” Garrus announces before I have to give him any orders, leaning through the window and taking shots at the Geth. We’re outside the range for his shots, and with the way I have to keep dodging rockets, the shots are almost impossible to make, but they at least keep the Geth in cover until I get close enough for Tali to nail them with the Mako’s rockets. 

When they’re gone, we continue through the tunnel where it takes a steep dive. Parts of the tunnel are overgrown with plants and alien vegetation, which only makes this place seem even older, ancient and completely abandoned. The plants are the only thing alive here. 

The tunnel finally levels out, and for a moment, I think the water in the tunnel is from the ceiling to floor waterfall in front of us. Then I realize that it’s not a waterfall; while it appears to be moving, it’s a shield, though it’s definitely not biotic. 

But it definitely is impenetrable, as we discover after Tali blows a rocket at it and nothing happens. 

I throw the Mako into reverse, prepared to find a different way through, only to find an identical shield blocking the tunnel in that direction as well. There’s a hallway of sorts on our right, only big enough to walk through, and it’s literally the only direction that we can go in. 

“What is happening?” Tali demands. 

“It’s a trap,” Garrus growls. “Saren must have set an ambush.” 

I shake my head. “I don’t know. I get the feeling that Saren isn’t behind this. That hallway is our only choice, so we might as well take it.” 

I can tell neither of them is pleased, and I don’t love the idea either, but we may at least get some answers this way. We get out of the Mako, all of us armed and ready just in case, and head down the hallway. It’s fairly short and ends in an elevator, which is powered up and takes us down. 

“If this were some sort of automated trap, Saren would have triggered it,” Tali notes as we travel. “So...what do you think this is?” 

Her tone is nervous, and I can’t really blame her. Any number of horrible things could be waiting for us when the elevator doors open, given everything we’ve faced and fought so far. I’m damn sure we can beat whatever it is, but I hope we can do it fast enough to stop Saren from reaching the Conduit. 

“Don’t get your hopes up about it being anything good. The only thing we can depend on right now is ourselves - on each other,” Garrus warns her. Pragmatic, but not exactly optimistic. The mission and the stress of having to chase Saren this way is wearing on him, too. 

I reach out and grasp his hand - the one not wrapped around his rifle - for a quick squeeze. I might not in front of other people on the crew, but Tali is close enough to both of us that I have no need to hide my feelings. Garrus returns the squeeze, and I feel him relax just a tiny bit. 

The doors open and release into a room...sort of. It’s actually just one platform that leads to one console - a sign that we’re supposed to be right where we are, and someone directed us here very intentionally. This room is covered in overgrown foliage and shut-down pods on the walls as well, but we ignore that and head for the console, still keeping our weapons at the ready. 

As we approach, the console flickers to life with a hologram that appears scrambled at best. I wonder if this one is just going to scream cryptic warnings as well, but the voice that comes on is calm and easy to understand, only a slight stutter showing the damage. 

“You are not Prothean,” it begins as if studying us. “But you are not machine, either. This eventuality was one of the many that were anticipated. This is why we sent our warning through the beacons.” 

“Looks like some kind of Prothean VI program. Pretty badly damaged.” Garrus moves to the console, sidestepping the VI like he would a person, and quickly doing something on the keys. “It’s legitimate,” he assures me. “I don’t think Saren has tampered with this.” 

“I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon any of you, unlike the other that passed recently,” the VI continues. Garrus turns back, and my gaze darts to him, catching the flash of pain at the confirmation that his former mentor is a slave to a machine. “Perhaps there is still hope.” 

Garrus rejoins us as Tali cocks her head at the VI. “What a minute. How come I can understand you? Why aren’t you speaking the Prothean language?” she asks, evidently keeping her head on straight. 

“I have been monitoring your communications since you arrived at this facility. I have translated my output into a format you can understand,” he explains. “My name is Vigil. You are safe here for the moment. But that is likely to change. Soon, nowhere will be safe.” 

“Why did you bring us here?” I ask, still convinced that it set up those shields to force us in here. The VI doesn’t deny it. 

“You must break a cycle that has continued for millions of years. But to stop it, you must understand, or you will make the same mistakes as we did,” Vigil tells us, his cool and mechanical tone at odds with his words. “The Citadel is the heart of your civilization and the seat of government. As it was with us, and as it has been with every civilization that came before us. But the Citadel is a trap.” 

I can hear a gasp leave Tali and Garrus shifts slightly beside me while my stomach flops, all of us concerned and disturbed. 

“The station is actually an enormous mass relay,” Vigil continues. “One that links to dark space, the empty voice beyond the galaxy’s horizon. When the Citadel relay is activated, the Reapers will pour through. And all you know will be destroyed.” 

“Well, shit.” It’s really all I can think of to say at this moment. 

“Hang on. I’ve worked at the Citadel for years. How come nobody ever noticed the Citadel was an inactive mass relay?” Garrus asks, crossing his arms almost like he feels indignant about it. 

“The Reapers are careful to keep the greatest secrets of the Citadel hidden. That is why they created a species of seemingly benign organic caretakers.” 

Now it’s my turn to gasp. “The Keepers? Those weird bug things that do nothing and bother no one are actually Reaper agents out to destroy us?”

“The Keepers maintain the station's most basic functions. They enable any species that discover the Citadel to use it without fully understanding the technology. Reliance on the Keepers ensures no other species will ever discover the Citadel’s true nature. Not until the Relay is activated and the Reapers invade.” 

“How do the Reapers survive in dark space? And how do you know all of this if the Protheans were destroyed by the Reapers?” 

“We have only theories. The researchers here came to believe the Reapers enter prolonged states of inactivity to conserve energy. This allows them to survive for the thousands and thousands of years it takes for organic civilization to rebuild itself. But in this state, they are vulnerable. By retreating beyond the edges of the galaxy, they ensure no one will accidentally discover them. They keep their existence unknown until the Citadel relay is activated.”

Again, Vigil is completely calm. The three of us, however, are definitely feeling the reality of what he’s telling us. “The Reapers could wipe out the Council and the entire Citadel fleet in a single surprise attack,” I mutter, my brain whirling around the idea. 

“That was our fate,” Vigil note, his tone a little more resigned in a way now. “Our leaders were dead before we even realized we were under attack. The Reapers seized control of the Citadel and through it, the mass relays. Communication and transportation across our empire were crippled. Each star system was isolated, cut-off from the others. Easy prey for the Reaper fleets. Over the next decades, the Reapers systematically obliterated our people. World by world, system by system, they methodically wiped us out.”

“It was that simple? Just...inevitable?” Garrus asks, his tone hollow. I know that he’s recalling what Sovereign said to us back on Virmire, what felt like posturing at the time. If it’s true...my mouth goes dry, and my brain doesn’t seem willing to follow that line of thought. 

“Their fleets advanced across every settled region of the galaxy. Some worlds were utterly destroyed. Others were conquered, their populations enslaved. These indoctrinated servants became sleeper agents under Reaper control. Taken in as refugees by other Protheans, they betrayed them to the machines. Within a few centuries, the Reapers had killed or enslaved every Prothean in the galaxy. They were relentless, brutal, and absolutely thorough.” 

Now I can’t help but think Vigil sounds sad, though I know that might be a projection. 

I take a breath. “You brought us in here because you wanted to tell us something. What do you want us to do?” 

The VI answers quickly. “The Conduit is key. Before the Reapers attacked, we Protheans were on the cusp of unlocking the mysteries behind mass relay technology. Ilos was a top-secret facility. Here, researchers worked to create a small-scale version of a mass relay. One that linked directly to the Citadel, the hub of the relay network.” 

“The Conduit is not a weapon, it’s a backdoor into the Citadel,” Garrus notes. 

Vigil explains that Ilos was spared only because records of the planet and the research facility on it were destroyed when the Reapers attacked the Citadel. The Protheans here went dark, went into stasis pods assuming they’d come out someday, and then died slowly when Vigil was forced to reserve energy. The Prothean scientists didn’t fight directly, but after the Reapers left, they did find a way to cut the Keepers off from the Reapers. 

Sovereign tried to signal the Citadel, to allow the Reapers in, and its signal was ignored. We’d already be dead if it wasn’t for those few Protheans who studied in their final days. 

I’ll be damned if we have to go out the same way. 

“So, Saren is going to use the Conduit to bypass all the Citadel’s external defenses.” 

Vigil’s hologram blinks at me. “Correct. And once inside, he can transfer control of the station to Sovereign. Sovereign will override the Citadel’s system and manually open the relay. And the cycle of extinction will begin again.” 

“The hell it will,” I snap. “How can we stop them?” 

“There is a data file in my console. Take a copy when you go. When you reach the Citadel’s master control unit, upload it to the station. This will corrupt the Citadel’s security protocols and give you temporary control over the station. It might give you a chance against Sovereign.” 

I’ll swear that Vigil sounds excited now. 

“Wait, where’s the Citadels’ master control unit?” Tali asks. “I’ve never heard anything like that.” 

“The Presidium tower,” Garrus answers for Vigil. “Besides, we could probably just follow Saren there. But I don’t understand why Sovereign needs all the secrecy. Why not just attack the Citadel?” 

“Sovereign is not invincible,” Vigil announces, the first time he’s said something even remotely positive. “Revealing its true nature would have united the forces of every organic species against it. Even a Reaper couldn’t stand such odds. But the Reapers are patient. They will not rush into the unknown. Sovereign could have been planning this for centuries, moving deliberately, gathering allies. Saren is the most visible pawn of the Reapers, but I doubt he was the first or is the only. Now Sovereign has grown bold, whether from confidence or desperation, I cannot say. But it is determined to reopen the portal into dark space.” 

“After losing the Keepers to the remaining Protheans, Sovereign must have realized organic species were difficult to control,” Garrus muses. “Explains why he approached the Geth.” 

I nod, grateful that the mystery of the Geth working with Saren and the purpose of the beacons have been solved. Of course, it solves none of our issues and only leaves us with more problems. Plus, I still get headaches and nightmares from those damn beacons. 

I shake all that off. “Saren’s got enough of a lead. Grab that data file, and let’s go.” 

“The one you call Saren has not reached the Conduit,” Vigil informs us. “Not yet. There is still hope if you hurry.” 

I thank the VI even though it seems silly to thank something that is just a computer and just doing its job, but I do it anyway and then lead Garrus and Tali into the elevator. 

As heavy as the weight of all this seemed just a few moments ago, it’s increased dramatically now. All of this just got much heavier, somehow much worse than just the idea of a race of sentient machines coming after us. Now it’s a nearly unbeatable fleet of those machines that systematically wiped out an entire empire, a whole species, with no qualms or pause. 

“It’s tragic,” Tali muses, her voice soft. “For all their great achievements, the Protheans lost everything. Just like my people. Even their last plan failed.” 

“Your people aren’t gone yet, Tali, and neither are mine,” Garrus informs her, his voice hard and firm but not mean - just resolved. “I’ve got no intention of ending up like them.” 

I nod, definitely on the Turian’s side for this one. We aren’t done yet, and I am not quitting. 

We get back in the Mako, the shields gone, and then I floor it. The Geth are well-fortified here, down through a trench run that leads us along the flow of the water and deep into the archives. There are even Colossus trying to block our path, and we expend a lot of the Mako’s firepower to get through. 

The very end of the path dips down sharply, like a roller coaster, and from the top, we have one hell of a view. The Conduit waits, very much like a small mass relay and spinning rapidly. 

“There it is,” Tali breathes. “It’s incredible.” 

“We don’t have time to admire the view. We have to get through that relay, and these Geth aren’t going to make it easy on us.” Garrus is taking a look down the slope with his rifle scope, so I’m inclined to trust his estimate of how hard the battle facing us will be. 

“It’s active. That could mean Sovereign and the Geth are attacking the Citadel right now - and they have no idea that it’s coming.” 

Exactly when I’m preparing to beat myself up for not doing enough to prepare them, for not doing enough to get us here, Garrus puts his hand on my shoulder. “It’s not for lack of trying on your part, Shepard. We’re playing catch up now because you’ve been stonewalled every step of the way.” 

“You’re right,” I reply, relieved and ever grateful that he’s around. “But we still have to save them now.” 

We close up the tank, no more firing or defense. There’s only one thing to do now, and I do it with Mako’s gas pedal pressed all the way to the floor. We need through that damn relay, and we have not a second to lose. 

Geth fire on us from all directions, getting in a few hard hits that force me to jerk the Mako back on track. “Shepard!” Tali screams with a particularly hard blast. 

“I know!” 

The relay is closing, the Geth preventing access now that Saren is through. If we don’t get through with enough time, we’ll be trapped...and I don’t like to think about what would happen if we were to get stuck in a mass relay jump. 

“Shepard!” Garrus shouts, gripping the dashboard and glancing over at me. 

“I know!” I shout back, seconds left when I gun the Mako right up the edge of the tunnel and hit the thrusters. We soar through the relay and get launched right back into our seats, the force so hard that it knocks the wind out of us. 

I don’t have time to catch my breath before the Mako is launched back out. The Presidium flies by us in a blur before the Mako slams down on its roof and skids, jerking us around violently. I manage to gather my senses after a beat, catching Garrus pull his hand back from where he’d reached out to make some effort at protecting me. 

I don’t have time to think about that. I’ll thank him later when we’ve survived all this. For now, I need to get out of this tank before the smoke from the engine chokes us. 

*****

“Just think: I used to believe that nothing exciting would ever happen on the Citadel.” 

Tali groans, obviously not amused by my joke. Shepard has to try and cover up her laugh with a cough, her green eyes glittering at me playfully. None of us has a lot of time to dwell on it, though, what with all the Geth firing at us and the race to stop a full-scale invasion. 

Saren must have brought half the damn remaining Geth with him here. That or they regenerate a hell of a lot faster than we thought because the fight feels like it’s never going to stop. C-Sec is doing their damndest to keep the Geth on hold and doing a nice job of it, especially with having to wrangle a panicked civilian population, and it lets us maintain course right to the Presidium. 

Blasting the rest of the Geth out of our way, we approach the platform where so recently the Council tried to convince us that Sovereign wasn’t a threat. I wonder if they at least considered how stupid they sounded when they had to evacuate...that is unless Saren and the Geth killed them already. 

Saren has a console open, and a smug smile on his face when he turns away from it does not make me feel confident in any way, but we need to take him down before anything else can happen. Saren gives off a blue aura from the cybernetics he allowed Sovereign to implant in him. He turns my stomach, the sight of someone I once trusted glowing like a machine-run freak. 

He throws a grenade, and we all dive into cover. Shepards ends up at the low wall before the stairs, the glass above her long-since shattered. I use a chunk of debris that gives me a solid angle on a shot, and Tali is near enough to keep watch in case more Geth show up from behind us. 

Saren, finally doing something that seems familiar, goes on a rant. It sickens me to hear him talk about letting Sovereign implant him, that he really believes he’s stronger now. 

“Sovereign hasn’t won yet,” Shepard shouts to Saren. “I can stop it from taking control of the station. We can prevent the invasion from ever happening.” 

I line up a clear shot at Saren’s head, my heart thumping painfully at having such a familiar face in my crosshairs. This is bigger than him, bigger than us. Besides, he’s out to kill Shepard, and I’m never going to let that happen. 

Then, she eyes me and waves off the shot. I balk at her, but Shepard just raises her eyebrows, the expression on her face very clearly meant to convey trust me. 

Easy ask. I nod and keep my rifle prepared for when she gives the command.

“We can’t stop it,” Saren responds. “Not forever. You saw the visions, you saw what happened to the Protheans. The Reapers are too powerful. I will not let my people - “ 

I see red. “Your people?” I demand startling Shepard with my very uncharacteristic interruption. “You let a machine implant you, you shot a friend in the back. You are not Turian - you have no people, you barefaced son of a bitch.” 

Saren startles even more violently than Shepard did, pausing in his tirade for the first time. 

Shepard takes the opening for what it is and calls to him, “There must be some part of you that still realizes this is wrong. You have to fight this, Saren!” 

I’m not surprised that even now, even here, when Saren has already completed his part in Sovereign’s mission to take the Citadel, Shepard is trying to save him. She wants him to redeem himself, to acknowledge what he’s done wrong, and then fix it. 

Saren would already have a bullet in his head if I were in charge. I’ll never be as good as she is. 

“Maybe…maybe you’re right,” Saren admits softly. “I don’t...I don’t want to be like this. This...monster.” He pauses and then turns his gaze on me. “Pup…” 

“You don’t get to call me that,” I snap, barely controlling my trigger finger or my voice. How fucking dare he. Shepard flashes me a look full of concern, but we really don’t have time to focus on my feelings right now. 

Saren makes a keening noise in his subtones, the sound registering an emotion full of regret and sorrow and pain. It makes me ache even as it makes me angrier. I can’t afford to believe that my mentor and friend is still in there somewhere, not now. It hurts too damn much. 

“Maybe there is still a chance for - ARGH!” His words cut off in a pained scream, and Saren doubles over in pain, Sovereign clearly trying to force his control on him. “The implants!” he shrieks, grabbing his head. 

He looks like the pain is horrible, and I stand on instinct, driven to try and protect someone who has done the same for me dozens of times. 

“Sovereign is...too strong. I’m sorry. It’s too late for me.” 

“You can still redeem yourself, Saren,” Shepard pleads, rolling out of cover and getting to her feet as well. I keep my crosshairs trained on him now, just to be safe. He knows that I can make the shot, and I know that if anyone can get through to him, it’s Shepard. 

Maybe there is hope for him after all. For us. 

“Fight with us, Saren!” she urges him. 

Saren groans and tucks his pistol up under his chin, cold sweeping through me violently and threatening to choke me while my hands tremble around my rifle for the first time in my life. “Saren!” My voice breaks on his name. “Wait!” 

“I’m sorry, Pup,” he breathes, closing his eyes. 

“Don’t do this!” 

“Thank you, Shepard.”

“Saren, no!” 

A bang echoes, the loudest gunshot I’ve ever heard, and blue blood with a familiar scent erupts and splatters on the console and window behind him. Saren collapses, and he falls, crashing through the glass floor of the Presidium. 

Shepard and I start running at the same time, Tali close on our heels. We reach the edge and stare down at his lifeless body, my heart aching with every pump. I’m flooded with memories of the Saren I used to know, the one who taught me to stand up to my father and who was totally smitten with his girl, the one who couldn’t wait to be a dad. 

That Saren died before I ever knew he was gone. This one died broken and guilty. I lost him twice. 

“Are you OK?” Tali asks kindly, resting her hand on my forearm. Shepard turns to look up at me, green eyes piercing right through me. 

“I wanted him dead...but I didn’t want him to go like this,” I admit. Even now, part of me is pissed that I didn’t have the opportunity to shoot him. He may have tried to redeem himself at the end, but this is not justice. 

Shepard rests her hand on my chest for a moment and then gathers herself. I nod so that she knows I’m OK, that I know we need to move on. She gets to the console and uploads the data from Vigil; in moments, we watch the controls shift. Sovereign is still attached to the Citadel, and we need to destroy him before he finds another way to take control. 

“I’ve got control of all the systems,” Shepard confirms. 

“See if you can open a communications channel,” Tali urges her. 

Shepard does, and a voice breaks over almost immediately, recognizable as an Asari. “...the Destiny Ascension...main drives offline...kinetic barriers down 40%,” she says in a broken message that makes her sound immensely far away. “The Council is on board. I repeat, the Council is on board.” 

We don’t have any chance to react to that before a more familiar voice comes over the comms. “Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that’s you, Commander.” 

“I’m here, Joker,” she responds. 

“We caught that distress call, Commander. I’m sitting here in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus fleet. We can save the Ascension. Just unlock the relays around the Citadel, and we’ll send the cavalry in.” 

I can see the stress wash over Shepard’s features instantly, all of us well aware of what the options here really are. And I can understand why it’s such a big dilemma. “You’re going to have to sacrifice human lives if you want to save the Council, Shepard,” I note. “And it’s not like they’ve done a lot to deserve that from you.” 

“Maybe, but this is bigger than humanity,” Tali chimes in. “Sovereign is a threat to every organic species in the galaxy.” 

“Yeah, exactly. Can we afford to throw away potential reinforcements against Sovereign to save the Council?” Tali stares at me for a bit, considering that. She apparently doesn’t come to a final decision before turning back to Shepard. 

“What’s the order, Commander? Come in now to save the Ascension, or hold back?” Joker asks. 

“God, we just know this is going to bite me in the ass either way, huh?” Shepard signs, glancing up at me. I rest my hand on her shoulder, wishing I could take a burden from her for about the hundredth time. She doesn’t need it though; she’s stronger than anyone. “I’m opening the relays now, Joker. Bring the Alliance in and save the Ascension.” 

It’s not the choice I would have made, but that’s not to say I think it’s the wrong one. If there is anyone whose judgment I trust, it’s Shepard. 

We hear Admiral Hackett give the order to the Alliance as the massive arms to the space station start to spread open. It’s up to the fleet now, and Shepard glances back down at Saren’s body. “You wanna make sure he’s dead, big guy?”

“You read my mind,” I admit, stepping past her to drop through the shattered floor and into the garden where Saren’s body lies waiting. I need to make sure it’s over. 

I need it to be over. 

I kneel beside Saren’s still and lifeless body, still unsure of what I need...of what Nihlus would want me to do. I grasp his cowl and pull Saren into my arms. Again, memories flood me: all the lessons, all the hours we spent together in friendship, everything he did for me when I was craving affection from my father. I allow myself a moment of sorrow at the loss and nudge his forehead with mine. There’s something weirdly soothing about his plates being too cool...a finality to it. 

I lay him back on the ground and stand before I use my pistol to send a round through Saren’s face, looking into dead eyes exactly the way that I promised I would. His head moves with the force, but his body otherwise remains totally limp before I stand and turn away. 

“Keelah, Garrus!” Tali screams, her voice in a panic like nothing I’ve ever heard before. She’s pointing behind me, and I whirl around to be greeted by something even my nightmares have never managed to think up. 

Saren’s body is no longer still, though it’s definitely still dead. I watch as it contorts and twists with flashes of red electricity until it’s stripped down to just a skeleton, misshapen and horrifying. 

“For shit’s sake, Garrus, get cover!” Shepard’s body slams into mine for once, tackling me right to the ground just as a blast of red electricity flies over our heads. 

“I am Sovereign,” the thing bellows. “This station is mine.” 

Shepard raises her assault rifle to shoot at him without getting off of me, and I wrap my arms around her, rolling both of us into cover. “Guess we’re not done yet, huh kid?” 

“I get my vacation when this is over, Vakarian,” the redhead informs me, managing to smile while the embodied version of our would-be enslaver shoots at us. “Get that damn rifle out, and let’s go.” 

“Your vacation is in my apartment,” I remind her. “I’m not sure it’s worth all this...but maybe the rifle will make up for it.” I laugh at the shock that flashes across her face and then roll her off of me unceremoniously. “Shepard, quit laying down on the job. I want my vacation.”

*****

Our victory is marked by smoldering remains. On my back, dazed and with a hellish pain surging through my arm, I make a note to bitch at Joker for this. Sure, he gave Sovereign the final shot to destroy the damn thing, but he also sent a chunk of the Reaper through the window and onto the Presidium. Actually, it kind of feels like a chunk of the window fell on me. 

Yeah, never letting him live this one down. 

I can hear shouting, sirens, and metal creaking, and something that sounds like a drill breaking through rock. A voice is calling my name, and it takes me a moment to realize that it’s Anderson. He’s calling for Garrus and Tali, too, along with other voices. 

I can’t remember where they landed or if they were near me when the explosion rocked the Presidium. Even now, I can’t tell exactly where I am. There’s a thick dust cloud around me that I can feel clogging my nose and throat when I try to take a breath. I try to move and realize that the pain in my arm is because it’s trapped under a beam, which seems lucky since the beam is attached to a jagged piece of metal that would have sliced my arm right off. 

Everything else is free, chunks of rock and metal and glass surrounding me in what feels too much like a cage for me to want to dwell on it. If I can get the beam off my arm, I can get out. Or I could just wait here for the rescuers that I can hear at work to find me. The heavy, exhausting pain resting in every joint and bone in my body makes that second option feel really tempting. 

“Shepard! Elle, damn it, answer me!” 

Garrus. Relief washes over me, knowing that he made it, but it’s quickly followed by guilt at the pain and fear in his voice. I can’t lie here while he suffers. 

The beam is heavy, but the metal it’s attached to is off-balance, so I manage to lift it fairly easily and just far enough to get my arm out from under it. The shoulder is probably dislocated - again, the same damn arm that was bashed out of the socket on Therum - but the rest of me is moveable enough. 

“Shepard!” Garrus’ voice is getting more panicked so I hurry to get on my feet. When I can see the extent of the destruction around us, I want nothing more than to get into his arms. 

I shout back but can barely hear myself, and I have to climb over a piece of what looks like it used to be the ceiling to start making my way out. It’s a minefield, every inch of what used to be the pristine and beautiful Presidium Tower all but destroyed now. I count our blessings that the command center wasn’t in a civilian part of the Citadel.

“Come on, kid,” I hear Garrus growl, not yelling anymore, so he must be nearby, and I follow the sound, ducking under a large piece of jagged glass carefully. “Spirits, don’t take her from me.” 

My heart all but stalls at the soft prayer, and I kick into another gear, finally climbing up a piece of concrete that’s become a ramp. Garrus is standing six feet away, and I can still hear him gasp, looking up at me with relief all over his face. I can see Anderson behind him and Tali leaning on a Turian C-Sec officer for support, all of them safe. 

It hits me there, staring at the utter destruction of the Presidium, that we did it. We stopped Saren, we killed a Reaper, and we bought ourselves some serious time on the invasion that might destroy our entire galaxy. We did this, my team. 

And I couldn’t have done a damn bit of it without the gorgeous, blue-eyed Turian now limping his way toward me with desperation in his gaze that I recognize and feel on a visceral level. 

Everything around us, all the noise and chaos and the knowledge that our fight is only beginning, fades into the background as I make my way over the last of the debris. I don’t stop when I get close, and neither does Garrus, reaching for me on the last step and yanking me up against him. I wrap my uninjured arm around his neck and push up onto my toes as Garrus’ hand presses firmly against my back, and he lowers his head. 

A rush of warmth floods me when our foreheads meet, and I close my eyes to absorb it, the intense sensation that at least for right now and right here - with him - we’ll be OK. 

“Shepard,” he murmurs, his breath gusting over my face and sending a chill down my spine. 

I can hear it, the words he doesn't say. I can feel it in every touch, everything he does for me. That’s enough. 

“I know, Garrus. Me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're not done yet! Stay tuned next week for the conclusion to Elle & Garrus's ME1 storyline...
> 
> ...and I might even drop the prologue to the next phase of their store. Hint: It's not ME2 quite yet.


	20. Epilogue - What About Us

The crew of the Normandy might be getting recognized as heroes, but we aren’t free from duty putting the Citadel back together after the battle with Sovereign. Most of the Presidium has been damaged or destroyed, and since the Normandy needs some repairs anyway, we’re immediately recruited to start helping.

So much for Shepard’s vacation. Although, she seems happy enough just to be crashing in my apartment and I’m never going to complain about that.

We spend most of the first couple of days apart. It’s a big change after working together so closely for almost a year, but it’s unavoidable. Shepard has to deal with the Council, including Udina’s induction as the newest member, and I was asked to help C-Sec lead the Presidium repairs until I start Spectre training next week. I find myself missing her during the day, even though I’m keeping busy.

Going home to anyone in my apartment is a significant change since I’ve lived alone the entire time I’ve lived on the Citadel. But going home to Shepard is...a revelation. The first night, we made love at the front door the moment I walked in. The second night I got home first, and we managed to wait until the dinner table where I fucked her so hard I can’t believe it didn’t break.

It’s the same before bed and in the morning. Neither of us can keep our hands off each other. Shepard is insatiable when she’s home, and it’s a struggle to let her go every morning. The more I get of her body, the more I want her, and the only reason I make it through the day is because I have some distance.

It’s not perfect. Well, the sex is perfect, But my foolish heart, the one part of my body I’ve never had an issue keeping our of my...encounters, just can’t be satisfied with the sex alone.

And Shepard is avoiding anything else.

I didn’t think it was a big deal when she made excuses not to go out to dinner with me; staying in with her and getting her naked made it an easy agreement to make. When she didn’t want to grab drinks at Flux with my C-Sec friends, Shepard blew off my questions. And then she blew me, which was a great distraction. It’s hard to complain about anything with my dick in her throat.

But now the Normandy is leaving in two days, Shepard hasn’t been seen with me in public since the day we took down Sovereign, and I have no idea what is actually going on between us.

It feels so stupid, so childish, to have to wonder if she’s my girlfriend or...whatever else there is, I don’t even know. But Shepard is leaving me on the Citadel for at least two months until Christmas, and then she’ll get back on the ship for who knows how long. 

Shepard is leaving me behind. I need to know where I stand before I say goodbye if I’m being forced to say it.

The crew of the Normandy is gathering at Flux tomorrow night for one last night together before we split up. Wrex is headed back to the Tuchanka, and Tali is finishing up her pilgrimage so she can go back to the Flotilla, both of them with big ideas for change among their people. I have no doubt they’ll make it all happen. And I’m going to Spectre training so...we all have to say goodbye.

I want Shepard to go with me. Not just be present as part of the group, which I’m sure she’s already planning on. I want to go together. Me and Shepard...as us. The problem is that I have to ask Shepard to go with me, and the fear of rejection is making me nauseous on my way home.

Home. That’s what she called my apartment this morning. “I’ll see you at home,” she’d said.

I thought my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. Last year, if someone had told me that I’d want to share my apartment with someone - especially someone I was sleeping with - I would have laughed in their face. Now, in the span of a year that’s gone by in the blink of an eye, I just about jumped for joy when Shepard made a comment about us having the same home.

I don’t know what she’s done to me or how, but I don’t ever want it to stop.

Now I just have to hope that she wants it, too.

The elevator crawls up to my floor, and I trudge toward the end of the hallway, where my apartment feels like a looming presence. Every step is heavy, like walking through sand.

Shepard and I have been back and forth for a year. Tonight, I have to know for sure. No more maybes and laters and indecision. Either we’re doing this or…

Or.

My mind doesn’t even want to consider the possibility of an or. I want her too badly.

I swallow hard as the door whooshes open in recognition of my Omni-Tool. A fantastic scent, salty and sweet and warm, washes over me, and I can’t help a smile.

Shepard cooks. She loves cooking, apparently, and she’s pretty damn good at it. It was a source of frustration for her that I don’t know a thing about cooking, so she hasn’t learned many Turian dishes yet, but the familiar smell tells me that she’s figured out at least one meal.

There’s music playing, Turian rock that I also recognize, and Shepard has pretended not to like in the past, loud enough that I know she didn’t hear me come in. I head for the kitchen quietly and pause at the edge of the room, taking in one hell of a view.

Shepard is freshly showered, her hair the dark color that it turns when it’s wet, and wearing one of my shirts. It’s long enough to mostly cover her, except that I get flashes of her ass cradled inside pink panties. Her bare legs sing to me the way Shepard hums along with the music, incredible hips swaying to the beat in front of my stove.

Damn, I could get used to this.

Despite being in my armor, I cross the room quietly and swoop in only when I’m close enough to swing my arm around Shepard and haul her back up against me. She squeaks in surprise but doesn’t resist or tense, melting against me immediately.

“Welcome home,” she breathes, tilting her head to the side before I can even lower my head.

“Damn good welcome, kid.” I nip her ear gently and then bury my head in the crook of her neck...right where my mark would scar her soft skin. “Whatever that is smells amazing. Second best smell in this room right now.”

She giggles at that, the sound warming me.

“You have time for a shower, but hurry.” She spins around and leans up on her toes to nip the end of my mandible. “And don’t bother putting too much on when you’re done.”

“Does that mean I get to take this off of you?” My hands move almost on their own, traveling over her hips and pushing her shirt - or, my shirt - up as I go to explore more of her warm skin. Shepard’s eyes spark with heat, but she dances out of reach, cleverly dodging my hands and then holding me at bay.

“I’m not letting you make me burn this, big guy, I spent almost a week learning how to make it.”

I pause and blink at her. “Really? You...you worked that hard to learn this? For me?”

“Well, yeah.” Her cheeks flush, and she squirms a little, grabbing onto the handle of a pan like she’s hoping to use it to bolster herself. “Least I can do for you letting me crash here.”

“You’re always welcome here, Shepard.” That gets the pink I like so much on her cheeks to glow even brighter, and I relish the little burst of pride. She lets me get close again, and I press my mouth to her forehead in the closest thing I can manage to a kiss before leaning down and bumping my forehead against hers, the closest thing I have to a confession of my real feelings.

Still blushing, Shepard shoves me away. “Shower. Now.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Hard as it is to leave her, especially while she’s not wearing pants, the shower will give me time to figure out how to ask what happens to Shepard and me next. And how to not be distracted by that whole no pants things.

Being naked does not make it easier to think. Especially not when I’m trying to think about Shepard, about how to ask her. With limited time before dinner is ready, I’m just going to have to wing it. The thought of laying her out on the table instead of dinner, devouring her like a fucking meal, and making her scream until she admits to loving me crosses my mind. Tempting as that might be, we’re actually going to have to talk at some point.

Shepard will be gone in less than forty-eight hours. I’m running out of time.

“I appreciate how good you are at following orders, Vakarian,” she teases, openly appraising me while she lays dishes out on my kitchen table. I don’t bother to tell her that I’m almost always half-naked or more when I’m home alone; it’s much more fun to be shirtless when she notices.

Shepard absolutely nailed the meal. It’s almost like being in my mom’s kitchen again, and I make sure she knows that I’m seriously impressed with her culinary skills. She has a back-up career if the military thing doesn’t work out.

Granted, the Hero of the Citadel doesn’t have to worry about her career.

“What’s on your mind, big guy?” I cock my head at her, and she gives me a soft smile. “I can tell you’re thinking about something. You OK?”

I try not to wince or grimace; I hadn’t meant for her to notice. I sort of thought I’d get her naked, make her nuts for me, and then ask her to go to the club with me. Shepard continues to eat, but I can tell she’s watching me now.

“Did you hear that everyone is getting together at Flux tomorrow?” Might as well start slowly. I’m not in any rush to get rejected.

She smiles, damn gorgeous at the thought of spending time with her friends. “Yeah, Tali called me today to make sure we were going. She was talking so fast, I’m pretty sure she was bouncing on the other end.” We both laugh at our adorable Quarian friend; Tali’s enthusiasm is probably my favorite thing about her.

“So...you’re going?” I ask. I immediately feel like an ass for it and try not to wince when Shepard pauses to give me a deadpan stare.

“Why wouldn’t I be going?” she asks with a laugh. “Did you hit your head on rubble or something today? You’re being really weird.”

Even while she’s laughing, I can see the concern in her eyes, and she reaches over to catch my free hand. I grasp her palm and squeeze, letting the touch ground me. “No, I’m OK. I’ve just been...thinking.”

“Careful with that, big guy,” she teases.

“Settle down human,” I drawl in response, grateful that she’s making me laugh since it helps me avoid getting too tense. “I just, uh...I thought maybe we could go together. Like, for real together.” I can’t look at her now, not prepared for whatever her reaction might be.

Her fork hits the plate, and the clattering sound echoes in my head, a hollow finality to it. I drop my own fork and pull my other hand from her, instantly desperate for distance as my stomach twists.

Again. She’s doing this to me again.

Or maybe at this point, I’m doing it to myself.

“Garrus...haven’t you seen all the graffiti?” I blink up at her, not at all what I was expecting - and I had about a hundred excuses I thought she might use. “It’s all over the Citadel, racist slurs about Turians and about humans, horrible shit about interspecies relationships.”

Shepard pales while she talks about it, and then she takes a breath, like thinking about it has made her feel sick.

“The Council mentioned it yesterday,” she confesses, head low. “You know how they are, gave me some bullshit about maintaining peace and having the standards of the Spectres to worry about. And then today it was Hackett. He wasn’t an ass, but he noticed, and that’s…” She trails off and shakes her head.

“I’ve seen it, yeah. Heard about it, too. It just doesn’t really bother me,” I confess, shrugging one shoulder. C-Sec had to dedicate a few more people to preventing property destruction in the last week, after responses to videos and pictures of Shepard embracing me when we took down Saren. It’s annoying, a nuisance, but I’ve never let racists and xenophobes get to me.

“Really?” Shepard asks, giving me a look like she’s not sure if she buys it.

“Shepard.” I turn my chair toward her and grasp the rail between her legs, using the hold to turn her chair toward mine. I take her hands back and hold them, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees and look her directly in the eye. “What started all the graffiti?”

“You mean other than the last forty years of war and hatred?” Shepard snarks. “It was the videos that people took. After we won.”

“We couldn’t find you,” I tell her, trying to get my voice calm. “Anderson showed up with a crew, and they dug us out, me and Tali. But the biggest pieces had fallen right where you’d been standing, we all knew it. Shepard, I thought…” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat.

She squeezes my hands tighter, hanging on every word now.

“I couldn’t just accept it, couldn’t assume. I had to find you, but...shit, I was so scared. What the hell would do I without you?” I reach out and tuck a hair behind her ear, catching the lobe and giving it a tug. “And then you appeared at the top of that rubble pile, and I swear you looked like the Spirits themselves had sent you. Prayers answered. I’ve seen the graffiti, I’ve heard the shit people are saying, and I don’t care. I have you.”

“God,” she whispers like it knocked the wind out of her. Shepard reaches for me, and I let her pull me toward her. She kisses my mouth, mandibles, and forehead before giving me a deeper kiss, slipping her hand under my fringe and instantly setting me on fire.

But it doesn’t distract me. I won’t let it.

I take her upper arms in my hands and pull her back a little, unable to let her go far. “I need to know if there’s always going to be something keeping us apart.”

“What?” Shepard tenses and pulls away. Her eyes flash back and forth between mine, a frown marring her face. “You say that like I’m making excuses.” When all I can do is cock my head at her, Shepard scoffs and pulls away.

My first thought is to apologize, to say whatever I have to if she’ll come back. I have so little time left with her.

I’ve dealt with this for far too long, though.

“C’mon, Shepard. First, it was Alliance regs, then upsetting the crew. Now that neither of those matter, it’s public opinion.” Hearing it all out loud pisses me off, a rumble starting low my in chest and my appetite for anything other than a fight fleeing.

“Well, you’ll have to pardon me if my career is important, Garrus.”

I bark out a laugh when it feels like a kick in the gut. “Fine, but excuse me if I’m tired of you using your career as an excuse to treat me like a fuck buddy.”

She gasps, but I get up and turn away before I can see her expression. It’ll make me feel bad, and I haven’t done a damn thing wrong.

“For Spirit’s sake, Shepard, how long are we going to do this? How many times do we have to have this conversation?” I demand. “You told me you were mine, and now that’s only true in private. It’s bullshit.” I finally turn back to her, finding her cheeks red like she’s upset, but her arms crossed over her chest like she’s angry. “Say something!”

“What do you want me to say?” she snaps, foot tapping hard and fast on my floor.

“I’m not asking for the world here, Shepard! I just don’t want to have to hide anymore.”

Shepard shakes her head and sighs like I’m frustrating her. “It’s not that simple, Garrus. And you knew what this what when we started it.”

“That’s what you want to use as your defense, Shepard? You really don’t feel like this has changed at all for you since we started?”

She looks away, her face flushing, and I know immediately that she’s not going to answer me. She’s made up her mind. And unless I’m prepared to change mine, to let things stay like this between us, I already know what has to be done.

My heart breaks the moment the thought crosses my mind, a heavy weight settling in my chest. For a moment, I can’t breathe at all.

“Everything has changed, Garrus,” she whispers, her voice tense. “And it scares the hell out of me.”

“So, that’s it? We’re...done?” The words are physically hard to get out. “You’re not even giving us a chance.”

She doesn’t answer. For a while, she doesn’t move either. When she finally gets up and goes into my bedroom, I hear her gathering things. That weight inside me becomes cold, and I sit down on my couch, trying not to think about last night when we kissed here for hours or a year ago when we shared our first beer together right here.

None of it matters now.

I assume she’s leaving and will go stay at a hotel or on the Normandy. She’ll be fine. I’ll be alone. Much of the same after the last year.

I’m already feeling broken, lost even. I don’t know how to be without Shepard anymore, not after the last year together. I damn well don’t want to be. But it doesn’t feel like she’s left me much choice. I’d do just about anything for this woman, but I can’t keep sacrificing my own feelings.

“Garrus.” I startle a little and jump to my feet; I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t even hear her come back out.

Now that we’re standing here, Shepard’s bag over her shoulder, I feel awkward on top of everything else. I itch to pull her into my arms, drag her to the couch and convince her that I’m worthy of her love. But that’s not something I can force on her. So I’m going to be alone.

Shepard doesn’t look at me. It’s probably for the best. If I’m going to cave for any reason, it’ll be those damn eyes of hers. Her voice is soft when she finally speaks. “I’ll see you at Flux tomorrow. I hope you’ll still come anyway. It’d mean a lot to the crew.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” And now there’s just about nowhere else I want to be less in the galaxy. But I’ve made friends of that crew, and they deserve me showing up to drink them off.

Shepard just nods. “Thanks for letting me stay here. It’s been...well, you know.”

It’s been fucking amazing. The best few days of my life.

“Yeah, I know. Me, too.”

It doesn’t make her smile. I don’t know if it’s not the right thing to say or if it just doesn’t matter anymore. Both are probably true.

Without another word, she’s gone.

Somewhere inside, I know that it won’t be the last time I see her. Every other time I’ve thought that this was over, we’ve found our way back to each other. I have no doubt that she is supposed to be in my life. I just have to accept that it might not be the way I want it.

*****

I couldn’t go back to the Normandy after leaving Garrus’ apartment or the next night when he didn’t show up at Flux. It felt too personal. Too close to him.

Today, I have no choice. My ship is taking off, my crew needs their leader. After all, the Council is eager to send us off on Geth-chasing missions instead of taking the Reaper threat seriously.

I can’t even be pissed about that. I haven’t felt much of anything since leaving Garrus. There’s a cold in my chest, but even that feels numb. I’m hollow. A year of the strongest emotions for another person I imagined possible, and now it’s all gone. Done. Over.

All because of me.

The xenophobic graffiti around the Citadel isn’t the minor issue Garrus was making it out to be. Tensions between our people have always been fragile, and I refuse to be responsible for more violence. He should know better.

But all he cared about was me. And I’m trying to convince myself that’s a problem.

The walk back to the Normandy from the hotel is miserable. It would be worse if Tali hadn’t spent the night with me. She delayed her trip back to the Flotilla to stay with me, to drink wine, laugh at vids, and think about anything but Garrus. That last part failed, but the company was much needed. Now I’m going back to a Normandy that’s missing Tali, too.

This ship won’t be the same with those of us who remain. Tali says she wants to come back eventually, but I want her to have a bigger career than working in my engine rooms. Wrex has a people to lead, and Garrus...well, Garrus will be a Spectre with a career of his own. A life of his own.

A life to share with someone who isn’t me.

Numb or not, that thought sends a wave of nausea rumbling through me. I’m still trying to keep the bile out of my throat when the doors to the airlock open, and I crash into a familiar body. One that was never supposed to be on this ship again.

My heart leaps into my throat at the sight of Garrus on the Normandy. A million possibilities run through my mind - he delayed training to come with us, to see the rest of the Reaper mission out, or he’s still going to training, but he needed to be OK with me first. I’d even be happy if he showed up for just one last pity fuck.

One look at his eyes, which won’t meet mine, and I know the truth. He’s not here for me.

“Sorry,” we both mumble at the same time. Garrus rubs the back of his head and explains, “I was just...Joker wanted to say bye, so.”

“OK.” I want to tell him that he doesn’t need an excuse or a reason. He’ll always be welcome here. But I don’t know if it’ll hurt him more. That’s the last thing I want to do.

Before I can figure out anything else to say. Garrus steps around me and walks toward the docks. I refuse to turn and watch him go, but my legs disobey the command to walk into the airlock. I stand there frozen, my body and brain locked in a battle that renders me stupid.

“Shepard.” Melted chocolate ends the war, and I turn, grateful I manage not to whirl around desperately even though that’s how I feel - desperate. “Be safe out there.”

It’s not enough, not even close, but I take it for what it is. At least he still cares.

“I will. Kick ass in training, big guy.” He winces at the nickname, and I immediately regret it, but I won’t apologize for it. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but that’s not one of them.

Garrus nods and turns, leaving me. This time, my body lets me walk away, too, and I board my ship.

“Commander? We’re ready to leave when you give the word,” Joker calls over the intercom immediately. He sounds stiff, if not frustrated. Considering he barely said three words to me at Flux last night, but I caught him messaging Garrus on his Omni-Tool several times, I know my pilot has chosen a side. And I approve of his choice.

It means I don’t have to pretend about my mood, either.

“No fanfare, Joker. Just get us the hell out of here.”

He confirms, and I head for my quarters to drop off my bag. The doors feel ominous, the room that’s been my haven for a year now taunting me with its emptiness and memories of the last time I was here was with Garrus. I wonder how long it’ll be before I can stop doing that around this ship, equating everything to a memory that hurts.

No matter what the answer, it’ll be too damn long.

I march into the room, deciding to allow myself a few more minutes of this pity-party before I get my ass in gear and get to work. I throw my bag aside haphazardly and cut toward my bed, throwing myself down onto it and immediately getting stabbed in the back of the head by something hard and sharp.

“Ow! What the…”

I sit up and turn, searching the blanket for the weapon that tried to maim me while rubbing the back of my head. Instead of a weapon, I find something fairly small and sparkling in the dim lights of my quarters. It takes me a minute to realize what I’m seeing after I pick it up for inspection. Then I can’t see it anymore, my eyes filling with tears and blurring my vision.

The golden pin in my hand is of a small humanoid figure with wings. It’s an angel.

A guardian angel, exactly like the pin my mother gave my father to wear whenever he left home for work. I remember watching her scan his uniform for it and only relax about his next voyage when she saw the pin on his collar. It was her way of feeling like they would be together, and he would be safe.

And there’s only one person I’ve shared that with.

With trembling fingers, I clip the pin to my collar and stop trying to hold back the torrent of tears flowing down my cheeks. I’m not sure what’s worse: knowing that my archangel is gone, or knowing that I’ve lost someone this thoughtful.

My heart finally shatters, the tenuous threads I’d used to hold it together snapping as I collapse to the pillows. For once, my career and my reputation don’t cross my mind while I spend my first few hours back in active duty in tears.

For the second time in my life, I’ve lost my family.

*****

It takes Shepard three days after leaving to message me with thanks for the pin. I hadn’t expected it at all, so I can imagine how much effort it took for her to send it.

It takes me another full day to respond. I try to convince myself that it’s because I’m exhausted from training, which is partially true. But the truth is that I don’t know what to say, and I hate feeling that way with my best friend.

I wait until the following night, safe in my own apartment where at least I have beer and comfort, to respond. Even then, it’s lame.

You’re welcome. Figured you’d need the help.

It took me a day to come up with that. Pathetic.

And why am I teasing her? We’re not supposed to be doing that anymore. At least I don’t think so. We didn’t set any ground rules for not being together; I don’t think either of us considered it a possibility.

I never should have left the pin. It was something I bought and planned to give Shepard before the Normandy left, but I should have thrown it out after. I should have gone for a clean cut.

When my Omni-Tool rings, I almost jump out of my plates, I was so lost in my thoughts. The sight of Shepard’s info on the call should not make me feel sick; a couple weeks ago, I was talking myself up about her leaving with fantasies of phone sex - something she mentioned more than once. Now…

I have no idea what to say. I’m still not cruel enough to just ignore the call. And I miss her.

And maybe I’m a masochist.

“Um...hi,” I answer, definitely the lamest I have ever been.

“Hey,” she replies softly. I hate that Omni-Tools always make the other person sound a million miles away. “I just...I wanted to check on you. See how training is going.”

I hesitate, part of me wanting to tell her off and end the call. But the rest of me really misses talking to her. Shepard has always been so easy; I have friends on the Citadel, in C-Sec, and even guys I get along with in training, but none of them has ever been like Shepard.

I want to talk to her. And it’s not like I can fall in bed with her when she’s a galaxy away.

I throw caution to the wind, and we start chatting about training and her efforts to manage how much Liara and Kaidan want to talk. For a while, it’s fun. And then one of us, and I don’t know who, starts flirting. Instantly, the mood changes, and we’re awkward, confused, hurt all over again.

I hate it. It makes me regret answering the call at all.

And yet, I do. I answer every time Shepard calls, a couple times a week. It keeps getting worse. Eventually, it gets hard to hang up for both of us. I skip opportunities to spend time with friends to make sure I get her calls. Weeks later, I haven’t been on a date, haven’t slept with anyone, and though I make excuses about being busy or being tired, it’s because I’d rather talk to Shepard about nothing.

It’s the same cycle all over again. I can feel myself falling back into it, and I can’t bring myself to stop. Christmas is approaching, and I’m dying to ask Shepard if she’s still coming back, if I’ll still get to see her, give her the gift I already bought her and can’t seem to get rid of. But I refuse to get my heart broken again.

So, I enlist some help. Orbin and a few other guys are all too eager to drag me out to Flux. I can’t manage to gather any interest for the Asari or Turians who make themselves available, but at least I have someone to smack some sense into me when my Omni-Tool rings with another call from Shepard.

Smack some sense into me literally in the case of Orbin, who swats my fringe and then pins my hand to the table. “Don’t. You told her you were going out tonight, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but it’s late. She probably thinks I’m already home.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Vakarian, you’re full of shit. You don’t care why she’s calling, and she doesn’t care what else you’re doing. But this shit isn’t good for you. Do not answer that call.”

I shouldn’t answer her call. We should be keeping our distance. It’s the best thing for me. It’s probably the best thing for her, too.

Damn, I want to hear her voice.

“Pup...she dumped you,” he mutters, his expression a little guilty even while his subtones are genuine and intense. “And it hurt like hell. She’s using you for comfort, and that’s not fair to you. Stop letting her do this. Don’t answer.”

He’s right. I know he’s right. Shepard was an amazing friend and the best lover I’ve ever had, but she was never going to be my girl, and we couldn’t figure how to separate the two. Whatever we had needs to be done.

I don’t answer the call. And then I try to pretend it’s OK for the rest of the night. I have to hope it’s not something I come to regret.

*****

It’s for the best that Garrus doesn’t answer. I know that. But the nightmares are a hell of a lot easier to recover from when I can hear his voice.

I take a deep breath and pull the blankets up to my chin. I need sleep before we hit a Geth base tomorrow. Another reason it’s good that Garrus didn’t answer the call. He was out tonight with his friends, and I really shouldn’t be calling him. I know that.

Maybe eventually I’ll convince myself that it’s good he didn’t answer.

It takes a while for me to get comfortable, and then sleep finally starts to drag me under again. Before I can fall asleep, a piercing noise startles me awake and out of bed completely, my body intuitively going into a fighting stance.

There’s a moment where I’m just confused and on guard, but can’t figure out why. And then it hits me like a punch to the gut.

The Normandy is under attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Author's Note***
> 
> I know, I know; this isn't how I wanted this one to end either. But Elle & Garrus's story is not over! Tonight, I'm also putting up the first chapter of "Into the Dark" - Garrus's time on Omega. I hope you'll stick with me and continue to enjoy. There's a lot of this love I can't wait to share with you all. 
> 
> Thank you so, so much for reading and commenting and being here. This was the first fic I ever put up, and it's been an incredible experience. Can't wait to keep going!


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